Q&A Preachin'

Hey, girl. Welcome to the GetYourGuy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips, and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can. You guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go.

Now, for those of you that don't know me, my name is Anwar White. I'm a dating coach for black and brown women. They call me the Fairy Godbrothers. I'm here to answer your questions about love, dating, relationships, and men or women. We're all inclusive here. Or anything in between. Girls, 20, 24. We don't know how many genders there are these days. Girl. No shade. So whatever you're into, I'm into it, too. Yeah, I'm. I'm every woman. I'm. I'm androgynous. I am, you know, poly girl. I'm bi. I'm everything, girl. Yeah. So if you into it, I'm into it, too. Yeah. I just want you to get with whoever treats you the best at the end of the day. Yeah. Someone said, is using eharmony a good idea? Yeah, girl, if you like. If you like feeling like you're going. If you stepping right into a white church, girl, that's what eharmony gives. Yeah, y' all are talking the same language, but are you really talking the same language? Yeah.

I know. I feel really uncomfortable. Girl, you don't know what kind of. You don't know what kind of coming together it is. You don't know if it's a rally or what, honey.

Ayan said, I met someone in jail on eharmony. Don't recommend. Yes, honey. Physical or moral. Jail. No shade. No shade. Chrissy said we're doing pretty good. I'm getting a third date, finally with a guy. I love that for you. Now, girl. You've been following me for a while, Chrissy. And you know what I say about third dates? You want to get. If he's paid for every date, you want to get him a small gift. That's like 20, $25. Real thoughtful tea, girl. And I'm giving you this tea. I only give this to my clients. But, Chrissy, you've been following me for a while, so I want to give you this tea because I want you to win, honey. Real thoughtful. Based on his passions, based on his hobbies, based on an inside Joke, Right? You did this, Girl, see your palm? He's gonna be eating out of it. No shade, girl. Yeah. So let me know if you need any help brainstorming, because I'm really good at getting guys gifts. I do it literally every other day in my program. You, Wilbur said, tips for not receiving matches on Hinge. Girl, get off of hinge. Hinge is unhinged. If you are a person of color, girl, hinge is not going to give you what you need. Trust me on that. Now, in the pandemic, it was giving everything. All of my clients got their people from Hinge in 2020 and 2021. After that, girl, Hinge has gone downhill really fast, especially if you're a woman of color. I always feel like if I were a black woman, I would not even download the app. It gives me, you know, in like, fifth and sixth grade, when you had a crush on that white boy, but, like, he was mean and racist.

Like, that's what Hinge gives me. And I don't like it, but maybe I'm telling my business.

Okay. Marley Baby Said got out of a relationship in December. Trying to get back to dating, but it's been tough getting out. Well, it's warming up now, honey. So I want you to focus on what are the things that bring you joy and start leaning into those things and getting out once or twice a week. Right? And when you go out, here's the gag. A lot of y' all are going out, but you're not talking to anybody. So your job is every time you go out, just talk to one person, say hi, and hopefully it's a guy, girl, or a woman girl. I don't care what you get into, girl, but I just want you having conversations. Like I said in a recent video, men are not approaching you anymore. The approach rate is a third of what it used to be. So it means that you're going to have to start conversations if you want to have interactions. If you don't feel like doing that, keep on doing what you're doing. But I want you to know that these men are thirsty for conversation. Now, am I saying walk across a room and talk to a guy? No. But if he's next to you, have a conversation. See what comes of it. Just start it. You don't have to drive it. Okay? Okay. Oris said, hello, I'm starting a long distance relationship and the guy wants to meet me. How can I know if he is a provider? We are the same age. Well, he needs to come to you, and you need to Let him know that. And one of the things about long distance relationships that I say is that he, he has to come to see you within the first four to six weeks if he's really serious. If he's not, then he's a pen pal. And pen pals are really cute in third grade. They're not cute now. So that's what I would say about that. I have, I have clients who. There are men that are flying from Florida to New York for a first date within two to three weeks. So for those women that are thinking, oh, my God, I can't. I don't think a guy would ever do that for me. I. I literally see it every week. So it's very possible, but you have to set a boundary and you have to share with him. Actually, I would feel more comfortable if you came to me.

If you. A lot of women were like, oh, I'll just come to him. He'll buy the ticket and everything. That's excess time, that's labor on your end that you should not be doing. You are setting a precedent here. And because for the guys that try to fly you out, please understand that you're on his turf when that happens, right? And you're going to be out of sorts a little bit because it's not your city, so you might not know how to get around. Right? You want to be in your home base just in case things go left and he needs to stay in a hotel room. And you should have two to three dates a day and see how things go. If things don't work out, you home, you chilling, and you go from there. Don't go to somebody else's home turf, girl. It's like, you know, in high school, like, you would go to, like, an opposing team's first field or basketball court, and it was like, home court advantage. You want to have the home court advantage. You hear me?

It's important, especially as a woman, because you want to feel safe in your interactions and you don't want to have that passive pressure that happens when a man pays for you. Sarah said, are there any good dating apps? Yes. The best dating app in 2024 is you. You are the best dating app. You need to go and meet people outdoors. I think that the first half of 2024, my whole program has pivoted this year just based on where the apps are right now. I don't know if many of you saw, but even, like, there have been women that have been changing their race from black to something other white or Asian on hinge and they've been getting different and higher quality matches. These apps are not for you right now. And what's happening is that they're getting called out right now. So they're doing a lot of shifting right now. And I think that they're going to course correct closer to the summer and Q3. Okay.

Lisa Renee said thoughts on dating exclusively but not in a relationship. I don't do exclusively and I don't think you should either. It's, it's half ass.

I don't know how else to say it. If a guy isn't ready to commit to you within two to three months, full on commitment, then he shouldn't be with you.

Yeah, I think a lot of guys cop out because they're not ready for commitment. And I think that you deserve more than that. I get at least two to three women into relationships every week. And one of the things that I see is that these guys know. They know within one to two months if they want to be with you and they're not afraid to be committed. That's when you know it's your guy when he says, oh, I just want to be exclusive with you. When you hear that, I want you to understand and believe that he's still making you audition for the girlfriend role. A lot of girls think, oh my God, we're exclusive. That's great. It's not it, girl. You still don't have the job. Right? It's like, you know, like when you, they say, okay, girl, you got the job, but you're on a three month trial basis and they don't give you any insurance or nothing until you get through those three months. That's what exclusivity means. Don't do it. Get another job. Get another man who's going to give you not just the benefits on day one, but also going to give you the signing bonus. Tiffany Marie said, what about men who say they want a woman to build with but have nothing? We don't build with men. Do you see these hands, honey? These are computer hands. These are not construction hands. These are not blue collar. These are white collar. This is white blouse, actually. Right. We don't build with men. So if a man wants to build with you, he's not your man. We get with men that are already built if you want to. It's like buying a house without windows or a roof or a door. Why would you buy real estate that is not done and think that you're going to be protected and safe in a house that has nothing to protect you?

No.

When a man says that he wants to build with you, I want you to take it as an insult.

And I want you to step away, and you get to let him know, why don't you take some time to build for yourself? And once you've built something, let's have another conversation.

You get to say that knock solo Said. Been following your advice. And they are working, girl. I know. I've been doing this for 14 years. It better freaking work.

You know what I'm saying? These girls always come to me like, oh, I can't believe it's working. That's why I get people into relationships every. Every week, honey. And that's not me building myself up, girl. I'm just. I'm telling t. Honey. Oh, my God, the girls, that they're changing their race on hinge now, girl. It's. It's not gonna. Girl, Hinge is still unhinged. It's unhinged for the white girls, too. Don't give white face on hinge, honey. Don't give white profile on hinge.

It's not worth it. Yeah. Alejandra said cross country. Cross. I think you said you meant cross country. Dating. Yay or nay? Girl. Date everybody. Girl. There's technology. You get to FaceTime. Girl. There's flights, girl. Date everybody. That's what I did, honey. I was in California. Girl on and I would move, I would have one profile in a home. My home city, and another profile in different places. Girl. One week I was in Barcelona. Another week I was in Berlin. Another week I was in Montreal. No shade, bitch. But now I'm in Montreal, married with three kids. Do it, girl. You never know. That's why there's a show called 90 Day Fiance.

Let technology work for you.

Your person might not be in your city, and that's okay. Tickness said, how do you feel about dating younger men? Well, most of my clients are dating men that are three to six years younger than they are. I actually think it's a great formula, especially for women of color. So I would say lean into that shit, girl. I think many women have been programmed to be like, oh, he has to be older than me. A lot of these older guys are, like, stuck in their ways, girl. It's giving mean and surly.

Get out.

Stop dating the older guys.

Vanessa said, what do I say when approaching a man in person? We don't approach. He has to be in your vicinity. We just start a conversation, and you can say a variety of things. You can give them a compliment. You can ask him for Help. You can ask him for a recommendation, right? I love that jacket. Where'd you get it from? Or oh, my God, can you give me a glass of water? I am parched. Or I never come here. What do you usually order?

Whatever feels most comfortable for you. Do it. Theor said, what are your thoughts on speed dating? I think that speed dating is great practice. I think you should have no expectations when it comes to speed dating. And I think most of the time you're probably going to find other women. That should be your intention. Let's find other women that I can go out with, you know, to go onto the hunt and to meet guys, because probability is you're going to meet more women than men. That's been the experience of my clients and that's helped them find, like, girls to go out with to do their hunting. Lisa said, have you gotten any Atlanta clients into relationship? I have. It just takes a little bit longer. It takes anywhere from around 12 months, which is almost double what it takes in other places. If you're in California, it's gonna. In my program, it's gonna take a year to find your person. If you're in Texas, it's gonna take a year on average. If you're in Atlanta, it's gonna take a year. If you're in Florida, it's gonna take a year, which is almost twice as long as other parts of the country. Forever and always. Kiki said, do you have a video on what to ask on dating apps? I don't, because it doesn't matter.

Talk to these guys the same way that you're talking to your friends and family.

I think a lot of people think, oh, my God, if I ask the right questions, then I'm going to protect myself. Girl, these men will lie in your face. It doesn't matter what questions you ask, right? Just like, you know how, like, some people will have stories all made up while they're interviewing for a job. They'll have a story for why they have a gap in their employment history for six months. That's how they do in these first interactions. So I don't really put a lot of stock into what these guys are saying. I'm in observation mode of what they're doing. And I want you to be the same way. I want you to be very observant, not just of what they're saying and doing, but I want you to be observant about how you're feeling when you're interacting with them most. That's why, like, you're never going to Hear me talk about red flags or green flags. Shit, doesn't matter. When you're talking about those flags, you're focused on what's happening outside of you. And my job as a dating coach is to help my clients access not just their feelings, but their intuition. Because please understand, your intuition will never lead you astray. Your mind will. This is why I work a lot with high achieving and smart, successful women. Because oftentimes they're leading with their mind and their thoughts are keeping them like or keeping them stuck in dating. Right, because you'll use your mind to justify certain behaviors or conceptualize or excuse certain behaviors. Well, maybe he's doing that or maybe he's doing this. Or you will. What I call. You know, some people say overthink. I say under feel, right? And, you know, confuse yourself. And when in that moment of confusion, you start to go with the flow because you don't know what the hell's going on because you haven't accessed what you're feeling deep inside kxmisha how to inspire his initiative and leadership qualities to come out again after he started slacking. We can't do that. That doesn't work. It means that he doesn't have the consistency and dependability to be a great partner. When he slacks, he's out. Here's the thing, There are no PIP programs in dating. We're not going to train him back up to the worker that he is supposed to be. When he slacks, he's out, he's fired. Just like in consulting, they always, like, literally every year they fire the, the lowest 20%. So you, you need to do the same. Laura said, what do you do when they say they need space?

Girl, you give it to them. Girl, when they say space, I want you to create so much space that they're in space. You hear me? What it means, respectfully speaking, is they don't want to be with you anymore and you need to find other people. You need to talk to other people. When they say that, just like, no problem. Thanks for letting me know. Best of luck. And then get on these apps, go outside and have two to three dates that week. Brianna said, what if I want to date, but I'm still working through my own insecurities and pursuing my goals? Girl, do it both at the same time. Please understand. That's why I, in my programs, we do the deeper work and we date at the same time. Because dating will bring up all of your triggers and that gives you an opportunity to actually address them and heal them. A lot of women Think, oh, my God, I gotta get my shit together before I can date. No, you kind of have to give half. You have to get half your shit together, and the other quarter of your shit, you'll get together while you're dating, and the last quarter, you'll get together while you're in a relationship. Lisa Renee said, should I listen to his words or his actions? They're conflicting. Actions over words. For sure. Girl, I could tell you I'm straight today. I'm straight, girl. I'm straight. Those are words. It doesn't mean anything.

Words mean nothing. Nada. Prada. Someone is asking shamanthi how to date as an avoidant. Stop being avoidant. If you are emotionally unavailable or emotionally avoidant, you will only attract emotionally avoidant men.

Because you're not emotionally available. You won't require him to be. So those guys will be attracted to you so that. Because they don't have to go deep. Yeah.

So I wouldn't. I wouldn't date until you are learning how to become more vulnerable from a feeling perspective. And that's one of the things that we do. In my program, Love Said. Can you explain the feet pointing? Yes. If a man's feet is pointing toward you, it means that he's interested.

It's body language.

Yeah. It's one of the ways that I knew, like, the straight men that were really interested in me or not, or the straight men ever interested in me or not, just look at their feet, and then I knew that I had them. That's why. And this is why I want you to look at it while you're out and about so that you don't feel like, oh, my God, this guy's gonna reject me if I start a conversation with him. If his feet are already pointing towards you, he's already into it. He's going to gag when you start. When you start that combo. When a guy is asking for space, you have to ask yourself this question.

When you're confused, and it is this. Would my future husband ever do this? And if the question. If the answer is no, then you need to go, yeah. Your future husband would never ask for space. I get people into relationships every week, and what it looks like is that you have to beat them off with a stick. Girl, no, I don't want to hang out with you today. Stop. I can't be hanging out with you every day. It's too much. That's what it looks like. Lil Lean 7. How do I put myself out there again? I'm so scared. I've been single for 14 years, I'm so insecure with my body. I've only ever dated my ex husband. Here's what I want you to understand. Make sure that you have accurate pictures on your profile. You're going to have to get right with your body. You're going to have to own every bit of it. Right. And it's interesting. A lot of curvier and plus sized women in my experience are not taking up as much space as they need to. Like, don't shrink yourself. Whatever space you're giving right now, take all of that and more. Right. One of the exercises that I do with some of my clients who are having some, you know, feeling, having feelings about their body is I want you to get to go into the mirror and I want you to strip down and I want you to be thankful and grateful for every part of your body. It's actually a very powerful exercise. Right. I'm thankful for my big lips and explain why you are thankful for them. I'm thankful for my ashy elbows and say, why are you thankful for them girls? Right. I think I'm thankful for my, my, my acne scars because you know, X, Y and Z.

I'm thankful for my wider nose so that I can breathe like a queen, honey. Right. Whatever it is, be thankful for each and every part of it. There are reasons why your body is the way that it is and we have to love on it. So if you're not loving on it, other people won't. Yeah, energetically you will. You will teach people how to treat you. And once you love on your body, you will want to protect it even more. Balance. Bliss said. Hello, Elmar. Do you think decentering men can align with wanting to materialize a healthy relationship with one?

I don't. I think I'm going to do a video about this if you're a woman of color. In my experience, this work actually isn't about decentering men. I think that that's like the surface level. You first have to decenter your parents, specifically your mother, because many of us grow up with mothers that are in their masculine energy. And this is about your relationship with the masculine energy. So you're going to have to learn, and this is what I do in my program, learn how to decenter your parents. You have to do that before you learn how to decenter men. Deva said how to stop taking rejection as a bad thing. Here's how I think about it when this happens. Well, first of all, 97% of the guys out there are not going to Be a match for you. So I think people think that every person has the potential to be a match for you and that's not the case. So for the 97% of the time you're getting disappointed and butthurt and you think it's a rejection when it really, it's like it's the rules of dating. It's the dating game, girl. Yeah. You're like, it would be the same as playing Monopoly and getting mad that you get in. You know, you only get in $200 to go past go instead of 500. It's the rules of the game, girl. Here's how I think about rejection that I think it will be important for you to reframe. Please understand that your future guy is praying for you to not match with all of these guys. Yeah. Because he wants you and if you are engaged with these guys, he can't be with you. So every time it's a non match you are getting closer to your guy. That's how I think about it. I don't really, I don't really call it rejection. It's not that most of these guys don't know you enough to reject you. They know 3, 5, 10% of you, Coco. Being said, I feel like most guys don't care if you got a little stomach. Not guys that are relationship ready.

Whatever you think is wrong with your body, girl. These men don't care. They don't care.

You got those, girl, you got those tiger stripes right here, girl. They don't care about it. You got some stretchy stretch over here, girl. They don't care about it.

They don't. That doesn't prevent, prevent them for. From getting their rocks off. No shade. It doesn't. Some of the girls are like oh my God, I gotta, I gotta lose 20, 30 pounds, girl. In my 600 pound life they always got a man. No shade. It's not about the way. And anyway, you know what do they say in the marriage vows? Through thick and thin. Sometimes you're going to be thick, sometimes you're going to be thin. No shade. Right. They got to love you throughout it all. Honey. I want to tell you something. My partner, during the winter time he always adds 10 to 15 pounds. In the wintertime it's an additional 10 or 20 pounds and then it slowly comes off in the spring and summer and it continues to do that, girl. Love them through thick and thin don't matter to me, honey.

So I just want to, I want to offer that for the ladies that are like I don't know, girl. I don't know if I'll find somebody, honey. Girl, that don't matter. It doesn't.

Okay, So I don't want to hear any of that anymore. I don't want to hear, oh, just the 20 pounds. No, girl.

Heather99 said, I love you. Thank you, girl. It's true. It's true. I hope y' all know I really don't blow smoke up your butt. I just try to tell T. It really doesn't matter. Honey, you don't have to lose anything except for the mindset that's not serving you. Yeah, got. You gotta love that. You gotta love the body. You gotta. Every day, you gotta be like, so. 15 years ago, my sister would give me so much shit because I'd be in the mirror, be like, oh, my God, I'm just, like, so pretty, I can't even believe it. Like, my God, look at me. It's. I'm amazing. Like, I would just talk all this shit to myself because that's what you need to do, especially when you're about to go out for the day. When you're out in public, girl, you gotta let these hoes know, girl, you're it. You're it. And you have to remind yourself of that.

In. In the privacy of your own home until. Until you believe it, girl. Hey, girl. Until you make it. Thank you so much for listening to the here's your guy coaching podcast. You will believe it if you like this episode every morning while you get ready, please understand. Please book a free consultation at www.getyourguy. that's the time giving yourself all that. Subscribe and leave me a review wherever you listen to your podcast. So pretty. I'm so gorgeous. I'm, like, amazing.

Oh, my God. The Lord made a masterpiece. I am the masterpiece of Michelangelo. Like, just give your, like, talk all that, girl, right? And just, like, crack yourself up. Yes, exactly. So. So Steph said, I say, lord, why did you make me so fine? Exactly. You see how I'm. I'm bringing the. The hair behind my ear, girl. And I have no hair. That's how beautiful I feel.

Yeah, that's it, honey. Oh, my God, I'm so amazing. Like, I can't even believe it. Like, that's it. Why?

Because everything that you feel like you need, you are going to have to provide for yourself before you allow a man to provide it for you.

Why? Because if you don't and you have some of these voids or these needs that are unfulfilled, any little something that A guy gives you, you're going to be so thirsty for because you're not able to provide it for yourself.

Yeah. So like, especially for those smart girls that were always complimented based on how smart they were, what I often see is like the guys that are like, oh my God, you're so beautiful, it hits them different because they're not told that enough when they were growing up and so they're gonna gag on that. And the guys that are telling you that shit, they're the lowest of the low because they're about the physicality. They're not about the totality of you as a woman. So you gotta give yourself the things that you're looking for from a man so that when you are with a man, he's going to have to meet what you're giving yourself or exceed it.

Yeah.

I love it. Y' all giving that affirmations in the chat. I'm literally the baddest. Someone said, I twerk in the mirror.

Chin said, I love when you tuck your hair behind your ears. I know, girl, it just gets in my face. So I have two daughters and I'm always tucking hair behind their ears too, girl. Because I don't have a girl, but I wish I did. Yeah.

But that's tea, honey.

I don't know. Jennifer what said hair behind the ears taking me out. Why? Girl, is it because of my beauty?

K8 said, Confidence is the best makeup. 100%. 100%. Brie Gam said, what should I look for in a therapist to help me become more vulnerable as a plus sized brown girl? Well, you can definitely join my program if that's something that you're interested in. I actually just had a meeting with a woman that's off boarding with me and she was saying that she is getting more from my program through versus years of therapy. Because we actually did the work, we put it into action. Right? We didn't just talk about it, we did it. And that's really important, especially for black and brown bodies, because our nervous systems are so always on high alert. And so you're going to have to do the things that you're scared of to calm your nervous system and to have proof of possibility that you're safe doing things that you are deathly afraid of. And unfortunately for many therapists, it's more of an intellectual exercise, especially for smart women, than it is like that significant healing that needs to happen. I can't as a dating coach, tell you when you're gonna get your guy, but what I can do is make sure that when your guy comes, you're ready for him. You are ready. You are the woman that is ready to get into the best relationship of your life. Yeah. That's what it's about. That's what I do. That's my intention as a dating coach. Okay? And I will, girl. I will breathe my last breath.

Doing this shit. Please believe when all this hair is gray or non existent and you got. I got nothing but wrinkles all up in here, girl. Giving raisin. I'm still gonna be talking this shit.

Yeah. Because I need y' all to hear it. Uuba said. What was the intentional work I had to do? Two years of work. I had to.

I had to heal my father wound.

I had to.

Set boundaries in my relationships. I was giving too much. When you give too much, you can never find someone to provide for you. You can't find a provider when you're providing for everybody else.

I had to learn that I was enough. That I didn't have to pay for love through actions, energy, time or money.

I had to.

Do other kinds of work that was actually serving me more. I had to get away from narcissistic relationships. I had to heal my abandonment wound.

I had to heal my parentification wound. I had to heal my codependency. That was the work.

It was tough. I had to open my heart.

Girl. I had walls. I had walls. And the gag about walls is you think that you're protecting yourself when you have these walls, but you're really not.

The only people that will cross your walls or climb them are burglars and thieves. Regular people will walk by them. A regular degular guy, he's not going to climb your walls. That's not his job.

Yeah, you're actually going to attract more narcissists and toxic people who are going to think of your walls as a challenge to take from you. So I had to learn that. I had to learn that I don't need walls. I need boundaries. And a boundary is not having a tall ass wall where nobody can actually see the mansion that's behind it. What it looked like was lowering that wall so people can see me. And if somebody comes on my property, my boundary is to call the police. Taiwan is a amore is over here doing God's work. Thank you, girl. I'm just sharing my truth.

I did go to a therapist for a little bit of that time. Maybe three to four months. But understand there are a variety of different resources out there for you now. You don't have to work with me or a dating coach or even a therapist. Right. What I think the value add is is that another person, a mentor, will be able to see your blind spots immediately, focus on them, so that your healing and your work can get accelerated. So instead of six years to find a guy, it might take you six months. That's the value out of it. Yeah. But you can do it on your time, too. All right, ladies, I hope that this was helpful for you as you continue on your dating journeys. If you want to work with me, definitely book a call or keep on coming to these lives and subscribe to my podcast, the getyourguy Coaching Podcast. It's everywhere where you listen to podcasts.

Yeah. All right, my loves. Be well and I will talk with you soon enough. Alrighty. Bye. Bye.

Hey, girl. Thank you so much for listening to the get yout Guy coaching Podcast. If you like this episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at www.getyourguycoaching.com. apply or subscribe and leave me a review. Wherever you listen to your podcasts, talk soon.