Queen Dating with Coach Fila

Hey, girl. Welcome to the GetYourGuy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go.

Hello, my loves, and thank you so much for joining the get your guy coaching podcast. I have a very special guest here and I know I say that all the time, but this is actually.

A fellow coach that I trust and I don't really pump up a lot of other coaches out there because I don't think a lot of them are good. No shade. I think that the woman that I have on this podcast, podcast today and she's, she's family, she's come back, she's been here before, is amazing. And I'm so happy that she is joining us. Ms. P.H. antwine. She's an award winning wellness, self care and relationship coach for women of color, black and brown women, and I'm so excited to have her here on the podcast today. Girl, how you doing?

I'm always good when I'm with you. It's such a pleasure to be here again.

Girl, this is what you did last time. I had to tell you you're taken and I'm taking. Girl, we can't be doing that because our husbands won't have it. Honey.

That's how you get those guys.

Exactly, girl. But you know how our men are, honey.

Yes, sir.

They don't want any of it. Welcome, welcome, welcome. How you doing, girl? Thank you so much for being here.

I'm doing well. I, you know, did my meditation today, got my yoga in, had some fruit. I'm trying to be like one of the fitness girlies lately, so I feel good.

I love it, girl. Now for the girls that, like, you know, maybe didn't catch the last episode, tell them what you do. Tell them how you're a master in the things that you do.

Girl, listen, I should just let you tell it right if you want me to grow.

But this is, girl, this is you, girl. I want you, girl. You know what you do. And I just think that what you so amazing. I'm so glad that you're here. So tell the girls.

Absolutely. So I prepare and position women for the absolute best relationships of their lives. When it comes to intimacy, when it comes to friendships and familial Relationships, My motto is that you are the sun in your life and everything else revolves around you. So it is about allowing and helping black and brown women, and women of color specifically, reclaim their personal power, own their feminine prowess, and really become the star of their own life again.

Oh, my God, I love that so much. And it spread. Totally aligns with what I want to talk about today, which is all about de centering men, because recently they've been taking up way too much space in dating conversations, relationship conversations, love. And, you know, I, you know, I'm someone who likes to do the research. And a lot of this, you know, I think men have been taking on a lot of this power because, you know, when in college and also in some of these bigger cities, there aren't as many men, especially when it comes to black and brown women, because many of them are not alive, imprisoned. And so when you have fewer amount of men, you tend to have, it's called operational sex ratio, where you. They hold more power because they can. But in this episode, I want you and I to reclaim the space for women, and that is why we're here. So, girl, can you just let me know kind of your observations about kind of the space, space that we inhabit and. And what's been happening in your eyes?

Absolutely. So I absolutely, totally agree with the perspective that you presented. Right. Women of color are, like, doing the damn thing and succeeding and achieving and living and traveling and exploring and expanding. However, when it comes to living such big lives, there are so many men who are insecure about being a part of that storyline. And so I find with many of my clients who are successful women who are accomplished and educated and working their way up the corporate ladder or entrepreneurial is that they have challenges connecting with men who are aligned with their expansive vision of life. And when they do connect with the few who are aligned, there is an actual line of women, right, waiting for these guys to get their attention. And so I hear them say that dating is hard, hard. And it is. We get to acknowledge that there are challenges, that the more successful you become. And I know that, you know, you are all about choosing those who will choose you back, loving those who love you. And I'm of that same mindset, right? And one of the things that's really important to me is for women to recognize that they get to do the choosing, and you don't have to wait to be chosen. And so as we're moving up and as we're taking up space in all of these places in our lives, I want to Remind women to do that in their dating lives and in their relationships as well. Not to shrink in that space because of the research, because of the statistics, but to operate from an abundance mindset. Recognize that all of the things that you have achieved in every area of life have prepared you to really be that boss bitch in your relationship life as well.

I love that so much. And I hear this, too. Like, my God, dating is so hard. And I'm like, girl, you've literally been doing hard things your entire life. Why do you think that, like, you won't be able to do this? It's just like, one of the millions of things on your checklist. And it, like, exactly nags me so much because it's like, well, I don't know if it's going to happen to me. Girl, did you think that you were going to get to college, girl, when nobody else was going to college, or get that amazing job at X, Y and Z, or go to grad school or whatever you've accomplished? Do that marathon when your family never ran marathons ever. Like, it's just one of the long list of things that is so amazing. So I'm so glad that you kind of mentioned that, because life is hard. Everything's kind of hard until you do it.

That's it. And it's supposed to be, you know, we have this. This, like, toxic happiness mindset lately where everything is supposed to feel good, but everything is not supposed to feel good. All those other feelings are valid, and you get to do something with the anger, with the frustration, with the challenge. And it prepares you because you and I know relationships are hard. Marriage is challenging, and you can't be no punk if that's what you want to do.

Girl, I tell the girls all the time. And it's so funny when they. They're dating, they get into the dating program, and then they go into my relationship program. They're like, oh, I thought it was going to be easier. And I was like, no. This is when the work actually starts, like, right. That you were feeling at dating. Now it's times 10. So I. I worry when women tell me that I can't do this in dating, because if you feel like you can't do it in dating, you probably won't be ready to do it or will be able to do it in a relationship.

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And if you can't achieve your way through it, right in the way that they're used to doing in the other areas of life, I really have to show up here, see myself hold Myself accountable in a new way. They're never going to be able to get over that dating threshold into being in an actual healthy, sustaining relationship.

Yeah, thank you for sharing that. You shared something really interesting that I also am totally aligned with, which is you, you need to be doing the choosing. You are the chooser. We don't need to be waiting to be chosen. And so many women are doing that. Why do you think that they're doing that? And how can we kind of step outside of this mentality?

You know, we live in a society where men have always been dominant figures. And so we've been taught that our roles as women is to be pleasing and appealing to men. You either were not taught how to date at all or only how to date from that particular perspective. How can I be attractive to the men? How do I make the boys like me? What should I do to get his attention? Right. And so we have women in these polar opposite spaces either. I have no idea what to do here. And that's really common when it comes to black women and women of color. Right. We get one sided negative messages about dating, which is like don't be fresh and don't show off too much and don't give it up and don't get pregnant and like all of these negative one sided ideologies. And then on the other hand, we're trying to figure out how to navigate in the dating space from the perspective of I want him to like me and choose me. So we become competitive with other women.

Right.

We become super catty. And we're never actually positioning from that place of power, from that place of centering self. It is absolutely necessary to live a self centered life if you want to be a woman who gets what she wants. And so many women, I think, struggle with being in one of those two places of just not having any idea or coming from that perspective of just pleasing men, appeasing men and being the one to be chosen.

And I just think, especially like when we're growing up in our households, like everything was about dad, right? If dad was there. Yeah. Because if you look at the statistics in the 90s for black households, 2/3 of the households were single mother households. Right. And so it's this, this mindset of if he's there, I have to cater to everything that he does because that's what mom does. Or if he's not there, I hold this idealized version and I'm always chasing his love because he was never there either physically or emotionally. So I also think that there's These other aspects that maybe we're not talking about a lot that, like, makes us want to, like, just be chosen by male energy. Masculine energy. Yeah. Oh. So I don't think it's going to serve us in 20, 23 or 24.

Or any other beyond, honey. Right, the great beyond. I think this is so, so important what you're bringing up, because it's what leads to the romanticizing nature that so many women have in their relationships because they didn't see an actual functioning dynamic in their own household. Right. So like you said, either dad is physically not there, or he's physically there but not emotionally present. And mom is doing all the things to make it work, make him happy and satisfy him. And so young women developed this romanticized idea of the man that they want to be with because they never had a real model of what it should look like. And then we're in the dating space, having folks sit right in front of us, not being able to connect with them because we're living in that idealized version of what we want to happen in our own heads. And I'm sure you see that with some of your clients.

Oh, my God, girl. I have to remind them, girl, this is not Disney.

Right?

Girl, this is not Hallmark. Yes. This is not a rom com. Girl. This is real life.

Absolutely.

And it's sad because. And you and I see this all the time because we're in the work, but like 90, 95% of the people that you get with you, it's not going to look the way that you wanted it to look. Right. It's not gonna. You're not gonna run into him at that coffee shop and all your Excel paperwork's gonna fly and he's gonna pick it up, honey. You guys gonna meet eyes and then it's happily ever after, girl.

Right? I always remind clients when you brought up the Disney thing, it's so funny because I remind them. You remember the black princess, right? Her prince was broken. She still had to work. They tried to take her restaurant from her. Let's think about Tiana. When we are thinking about Disney and romanticizing and princesses, there was still some work that had to be done in there, some struggle and some challenge. So your story is going to be more close to that one of Teyana than it is going to be to Cinderella or Snow White or the other princesses, girl.

I mean, all of those stories are a hot ass mess.

A hot ass mess. And the reason I think that they're a hot ass mess is because obviously they're centered for little girls, but it brings women into a princess mindset. And when you are in a princess mindset, you are only going to be focusing on the prince and not the king.

Yes.

And when you, like, just think about all of these different, like, stories, all of these princes, they always messed up.

Each and every way. Kind how, girl. And here's the thing. It like, subconsciously makes you think that it's okay when they do these things. Right. That like, oh, they're making these major mistakes, but it's part of the love story. This is what's going to make it more romantic. When in reality, no Girl in 2023, we're cutting them off.

Absolutely. Absolutely. And it creates this imbalanced dynamic between other women as well. Right. Because the women are usually the ones who are victimizing them in these stories. And so we don't know how to relate to other women. So we're not having genuine conversations. We're not sharing experiences. And you're just sitting and waiting for the prince to find you and to choose you and thinking that this is going to make everything so much better when all of the trauma from the evil stepmother is going right along with.

You to that room in the castle.

Girl. Yes, ma'. Am. All of it. Right. So, so interesting.

Here's what I know and I want to hear from you too. Because my intention in the work that I do is to help women kind of get out of that prime princess mindset. And the way that I think about that is becoming your own hero. Right. That ultimately we don't need some guy to save us. Right. And I think so many women are. Are thinking about love and dating in that way. Oh my God. If I could just find a man, then I won't have to work and all my problems are going to be solved. Research says that you won't be statistically, statistically significantly happier in a relationship than you are if you are single now. You will be a bit happier. But happy people get married. Happy people get in relationships, successful and healthy ones. So you've got to be able to be healthy and happy before that. But I think so many of us are waiting for a hero without really finding the hero within ourselves. And I'd love to hear kind of your thoughts around, you know, how we can kind of get out of this princess mindset that many, so, so many of us are kind of dealing with.

Yes. So I love that question, Anwar. And just the concept of. Right. That princess mentality and princess energy versus the queen energy and mentality and what that means for us. And really, the stories that we're told as young folks, the stories that were told as young women, the stories that were told as young people of color are meant to disempower us. Right. They're built to lift up the power structure. And when we think about men and we think about the dynamic and the role that men play within our society, the stories that women are told growing up are to position you to feel disempowered, like you're not able to run your own life, like you aren't able to accomplish things and have a healthy relationship. Right. We're told that we're. We have to choose. Either you're going to be a strong, independent woman or you're going to be a docile, submissive woman over here.

Yeah.

And you can do both. You can mix and match the energies. You can show up how you want.

And you have to do both.

And you have to do both. Exactly. You have to do both if you're going to live life in a healthy way.

Right.

From a mental and emotional standpoint. And I think Princess energy is about looking for the savior and waiting for the savior to get the things you want, whereas that queen energy is about embodying the energy of what you want now. Right. What does it look like for me to be supported? What does it look like for me to have dependability in my life? What does it look like for there to be joy and for there to be success in these areas? And I get to embody that now?

Yes.

I get to wear that now, and I get to live in that energy now. I don't have to wait for any man to come in so that I can enjoy myself. That also leads to deeper sensuality. I think in womanhood, you learn to embrace and enjoy and feel and just surrender to all of those good things. And then, like you said, you get to opt into what you need to when you need to.

Can you talk a little bit more about embodying it? Because I can hear some listeners now. What does she mean when she says embody? And I know you talked a little bit about it now, but can you kind of expand. Expand upon that? Because I know the girls are listening.

How can I really be in my queen energy when it comes to dating? And what does it mean to really embody the queen?

Yes. So for when I'm working with clients, each of them have to create their own idea of their queen self. Right. So my signature program is Sacred Queen Academy. And so one of the things that we do is you get to envision yourself as that version of you. What does she look like? What does she feel like, how does she show up, what does she wear? What kind of energy does she exude? So getting clear on your sacred queen self, right? Empowered in the most powerful way that you want yourself to be, and then embodying those emotions by doing the simple things, judging up the lingerie, putting on, right? That sexy nightgown when you are just going to bed alone, touching yourself, bringing in the intimacy and the sensuality, lighting the candles in the space, being romantic with yourself, going out on those dates, treating yourself in the ways that you want a partner to treat you, bringing in the energy and inviting it in by living in that experience of it. Now, one of the things that I think is really fun and that I have my clients do pretty often is to go out and buy brand new lingerie, like sexy, expensive to you, put it on at home and wear it around the house all day long, right? So if you're making breakfast, if you're doing the laundry, whatever it is that you're doing in your home, wearing it in that new lingerie so that you feel sensual, so that you feel sexy, so that you feel romantic, and so you're not inhibited by the clothing and the facade and all the things. And that's one of the things that I think that any of the listeners can try on for size.

I love that. So, girl, give me some of your, what some of your queen, like some of the things that, when you are doing this exercise, how you thought about it, just so that you can give people an example of like, well, this, these are some of the things that I navigated in my own journey to my own queendom, right? Because I did a similar exercise, it's a different name, but I'd love to hear from you kind of how you thought about it.

For me personally, you know, I am a woman of a certain nature.

What does that mean, girl?

So I am very embodied in sensuality. For me, touch is super important there, right? I also come from a past of sexual abuse. So taking ownership of my body is something that empowered me in a way I never imagined. Dressing for myself, touching myself, having like really luxurious after bath routines. One of the things for me was about reclaiming my body, reclaiming my physical power and taking ownership in that space. So that played a large part in what it meant for me to be the ruler of my own queendom, to be the CEO of my life, as you like to say. So it gets to be really personal. But for me it is so much about physical sensuality and ownership and letting the tatas breathe every now and then. All of those things to take away the shame and the guilt and the feelings and emotions that may minimize you in any way. So I'm always about luxurious spa treatments and pampering and anything that can get me back into my body and back in connection with that. I. I do those things along with, like, the lingerie exercises and things that just remind me that I'm a woman and I'm sensual and I get to show up in all of this sexiness.

Yeah. Thank you so much for sharing that. Yeah, I did an exercise like this, but this identity that I created was. His name was Akeem.

Oh, wow.

Akeem.

Was he from Zamunda?

No, girl. But the gag is my mom wanted to name me Akim, and then she named me after Amwar Sadat, so. So I used this name to embody, like, who I want to be. And this was someone that was different than someone who was working way too much and didn't have enough time for the kids. But, like, put me first and figuring out what those things are. And, like, you know, for some of the listeners out there, one of the. Some of the things that I thought about were some of my own relationship needs and how I can provide that for myself, because I think that is really queen energy. So what does it look like to cherish yourself? Right. What does it look like to nurture yourself? What does it look like to protect yourself?

Yes.

What does it look like to respect your own boundaries? What does it look like to have unconditional love? What does it look like to have hygiene life skills and consistency and dependability? Right. How can we provide that for ourselves? And that's going to be different for every woman as you are finding your own queendom and within yourself. And I'm just so happy that we're having this conversation. And so I wanted to give examples like that to the listeners so that they can figure out what those things look like for. Because obviously you talked about, you know, your body, and here's the thing, you know, we're talking about all of these things that kind of can sound really external, but one of the things I think that is really important that a lot of people don't get, especially if you're an intellectual woman, which many of my listeners are, is that these external things will actually create an. An experience and a reaction that is from your body. Right. And that is how you get in touch with your heart, with your hut. Your heart and your Gut and your intuition. And that is how we kind of center ourselves in, like, the most innate way. And so I'm so happy that we're having this conversation. Anything you want to add to that?

I do. Right. Because it's so important. Like you said, it's going to be different for every woman. And getting into the space really is about looking over your relationships, looking over your experiences. I touched on personal trauma, how that also inhibits you and what areas you can really focus on in that way of centering your needs and centering your wants as it connects to that. So much of the trauma that we experience gets stored within the body, like you said, and we become disconnected from intuition. So getting back into the body helps to ground you and then allows you to center emotionally in all of these ways that are more important when you or that seemingly make more sense to folks. So again, it is a customized plan that you get to put together and you get to take a look at your very specific needs and dynamics and experiences to decide what it does look like to center yourself. And I think for some. For some women, and I do appreciate your listeners because my clients are very similar. You know, they're like, no, no, what are the steps? Right? What is. Where are we going? What's the result? That kind of thing. But slowing down, allowing yourself to rest, because sometimes we're in go mode. Allowing yourself to be pampered, allowing yourself to be supported. These are the things that the queen does as well. She allows the help to come in. She doesn't do it all on her own. And she lives in, like, her fiercest feminine energy. When she is in those states, she doesn't feel guilty about help. She's not ashamed to ask for support. She really lavishes in that. So I think doing all of these things that we're talking about is going to be beneficial for. For the women who are listening.

I love this so much. Yes. I love this queen energy. Because the queen, she doesn't have to do anything.

No, she doesn't.

She tells the knights to do what she needs them to do. She tells the king to, hey, this is what I want. This is what I need. And, you know, makes it happen.

Right.

I think that people think that queen energy feels like, weaker, and it's actually the strongest energy that you can have.

And because who's whispering to the king at bedtime, honey.

This is what I want. This is what I need.

That's it. That's it.

And everyone else's job is just to do it for them. And here's the thing. Because some of the girls are like, well, what if they don't? If they don't, then we find other people who do.

That's it. That's it. We don't worry, we don't stress, we don't chase.

No problem. Thanks so much anyway. And I go on to the next.

Guy and that's it. One of the things that I have conversations with where I find clients have resistance is around energy manipulation, as I call it. Right. And I think we have trouble with the word manipulation. And so often I'll hear women who say, well, I don't know if I feel comfortable with that, but that is what a queen does. She manipulates the energy in the space to get what it is that she wants. Not from a selfish or solely self serving way, but from a self centering way. This is what's going to benefit me. This is what I need and this is what I desire. So she shows up in the space already ready to receive that and then everyone moves around her to make that happen.

I love that so much. Now some people might have an issue with that language, but I don't really care because. Because this is what, what, this is what's really important. Right. Because I think a lot of women don't understand the inherent power that they have and you know, the power of the punani girl. Like, like all of it. Right. Like I want to keep it real.

Yeah.

If we're, let's keep it 100% real now. Women are smarter, they're more educated for the black community. Single black women are making more than single black men. And, and.

What I think is really important to understand is.

Many of these women are dimming themselves to try to connect with people that might not be where they are. And queens don't do that.

No, they don't.

They expand their queendom. Yeah. They don't allow themselves to be taken over. Right. And in so many ways, can you speak a little bit to how you know, you know and you know, even in dating, right. Like you just go through all of these guys and like there's so many people that are just like not quote unquote on level.

No, not at all. I think it's all about exploration and expansion. You get to try it on and you get to remember in the process that you're the one who is the present. Right. You're the one who is the prize. All of the prize talk and going into it with that mentality. So I'm only here to see if you're worthy of Possessing me. I'm only here to see if you're worthy of having access to me. I'm only here to give you permission or to deny your permission. And that takes so much of the pressure off, as opposed to thinking that you have to come in and entertain and prove your value or your worth in some way. If women understood, like you said, the value of the punani, right? My goodness, girl, I had the power.

Of the punani, you know where I would be, girl? Queen of england, girl.

I always tell my husband, I say, you know, you're really lucky that I use my powers for good and not evil, and this is why we're here and it works and all those things, but recognizing really that you are sitting on the power that you hold the power and allowing that to guide you in the dating process, knowing that you get to choose, you get to give and deny access. You get to off with his head whenever he doesn't fit and move on because there's always another behind you.

Yes. One of my clients, I've been working with her for a couple of months, and she was like, anwar, I finally got it. And I was like, okay, girl, well, tell me what it is then, if you got it so much. And she was like, so, you know, remember that music video by michael Jackson? Remember the time and is on her throne and all of these men are there to entertain her, and most of them don't. And she gives them the chop, honey, this is queen energy, and this is how we need to be embodying what it means to be in our queen energy and dating. Right? Men are the jesters, they are the magicians. They are the entertainment. And when we start to approach it in that way, we can allow ourselves to actually have fun.

Absolutely, Absolutely. Absolutely. I loved dating when I was much younger, just for the fun of the experience of it, Right. Just to explore the different options and to also be in a position where I think women generally don't get to be in other areas of their life. So this is where you get to show up big. This is where you get to be iman. And if we've seen the video, we recognize that when she moves, everything moves with her, right? When she's not entertained and it doesn't fit for her, she throws it to the wolves or the lions or whomever with no remorse, with no guilt, and she follows what fuels her. She centered herself, her needs, and then the king went above and beyond to be better than the other guy. Right, Michael? And this is what we want. You want these men to Be out here competing for you. Because that is their nature. That is it. Let them do what he's supposed to do, to hunt and to gather and to come back to you and say, this is what I have and you get to choose. It's such a powerful position to take and women get to do it and not feel guilty about it.

Yeah, I love that so much. Is there anything else we want to talk about before we go? Girl, I feel like we really rocked these topics out and I'm hoping that the ladies are getting something from this group. Really, really rich combat.

I hope so too. I hope so too. I just my intention in doing this work and you know, we have all the fun and we get a little messy sometimes because, you know, that's what it is. But my real truest and deepest intention is for women to reclaim that personal power. To move in the world from a self centered position, to become self actualized and to no longer move with self doubt, move with insecurity or these feelings of inadequacy. Because baby, when you realize who you are, everything shifts and everything moves around you. So I just want women to date with more fun, to have more pleasure in their lives, to allow themselves to enjoy and to explore. Date them all. Explore it all, girl.

Exactly. Now for the people who want to get in contact with you, girl, to learn more about the beautiful work that you do, girl, give them the deets, girl.

You can find me on all social platforms at Sheisphyla, on tick tock, at Sheisphyla, YouTube and Instagram @Sheisphyla as well. Or you can come on over to my website@phylaantwine.com Anwar, it is always a pleasure, girl.

Thank you so much for being here. And I just want to let the ladies know, honey, I fully recommend Coach Fila for the work that you want to do in your love life and also in your general life. Right? If it ain't me, I'm saying it gotta be her.

Same, same, same. The amount of women where I'm like, okay, you're ready for Anwar now we've done the dirty stuff. Now go ahead and get your guy. I'm always sending the girlies over to you.

This is so funny. You know what it is? If I'm like, I'm always like, in my email, I'll be like, you need to reach out to Coach Byla. Here's her information. I think that this is going to be a good fit. Please chat with her.

Same.

I love the work that you're doing. Please keep on Doing it. Please continue to change lives like you are doing. It is so necessary. And I know, because I'm in this space, too, that you hear that all the time. But I want you to receive this from my heart to yours. This is such important work that you're doing. And, you know, I can only coach from my perspective, but as a black woman yourself, you know exactly how to work with these women. And so it. It brings a smile to my face seeing the work that you're doing, because I know that you'll be able to reach them in such a different and more intimate way. And so I acknowledge that, and I honor that, and I appreciate that so much.

I love it. I'm so supportive of you and the work that you do as well. I received that wholeheartedly, fully. And likewise, I absolutely believe in the work that you do. The perspective that you offer is different than any other perspective out there. And you bring the research, you bring the numbers. You bring an aspect to this work that's missing, and that's necessary. So I honor and appreciate you as well.

All right, girl, this is getting too much, girl. The girls are like, wrap it up, honey.

Girl, yes. This love fest over here.

Get a room, girl. Get an emotional room.

Thank you so much for being here. It has been a pleasure. And, girl, you know, I'll see you on the flip side.

Yes, sir. I will see you when I see you.

All right, thank you all for joining us. I hope you got a lot out of it. Bye.

Hey, girl. Thank you so much for listening to the GetYourGuy coaching podcast. If you like this episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at www.getyourguycoaching.com. apply or subscribe and leave me a review wherever you listen to your podcasts. Talk soon.