Spilling Dating TEAquila

Hey, girl. Welcome to the GetYourGuy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips, and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go.

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to the GetYourGuy coaching podcast. Coach Anmore here, and I just wanted to come on here and share a little bit of tea, a little bit of gems from some of my lives that I've done over the last month. Because the girls are saying that I've been preaching that I've been, like, really spilling tea, sometimes tequila. And I thought it would be good to just really put in one episode some really great nuggets for you to have so that you can thrive in your dating life instead of survive. So without further ado, here we go. I hope that you enjoy, and I hope that you get something from this. Okay, someone said how to respond to. You got ig. First of all, don't respond to any questions that are not grammatically correct. That's number one. Okay. Number two, honey, I'm not going. I'm not going to engage with a man that has a 1.7 GPA. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it, and I suggest that you not do it as well. Okay? If he's in summer school, I'm not talking to him. Do you have nig? We engage with those men. And your answer is, I do, but I don't give it to men that I don't know. I'm going to have to get to know you a little bit more. Anytime a guy says that he's busy, it means that he doesn't like you. I'm sorry to be, like, very blunt about it, but I want everyone to understand this.

Girl. Barack Obama was not busy enough to have dinner with his family most nights, and he was the leader of the free world.

There's no such thing as busy. Busy means don't like.

Okay, I know. I know women that are literally with doctors and, like, clients, and they text their guy, grow their guy. You know what they. You know what those doctors do? They're doing their thing and they have an assistant saying, hey, can you text my girlfriend back, let her know I'm in surgery, and then I'll talk to her in 45 minutes? Suture.

Right?

So don't ever. If he says busy, that's. That's the B word. Girl. He's basically could just called you A. Okay. That's what. That's how I want you to think about it.

Oh, my God. Someone said, as a surgeon. Pa, I confirmed this is true. I think y' all think I'm, like, lying to y'. All.

Never that.

Honey, I know a little bit about my doctor stuff. I watch Grey's Anatomy. I know. CT scan, mri, L, O, V, E, Q said, how soon should you start dating after a breakup? So it's not about length of time. It's about depth of healing. So what that means is if you can talk about your last relationship without any emotion, you're probably ready today. Because here's the thing. People are always asking me, when am I ready today? I think sometimes people feel like, oh, my God, I have to be perfect. I have to be 100 healed. You just have to be 50% healed. Another quarter of healing will happen during dating. Another quarter of healing will happen when you're in a relationship. So all of the ladies that are thinking that they have to be totally perfect and totally healed before they start dating, you're wrongo Dongo, as my mother would say, nay said, how many dates before I sleep with him?

Well, girl, it already sounds like you really want to in your head, girl. So anything I say is going to be not what you want. Sounds like you wanted to sleep with him at negative one date.

My recommendation as a dating coach is that we're intimate after exclusivity. We want to see true commitment. The other thing is, like, girl, you can throw your pee around anytime you want to. No shade. The danger in that is that you will get chemically bonded to a man and you'll be diplomatized. And you'll have the twitches, the Shakespeare, because it'll mess with your critical reasoning skills. So you can do all of that if you want to, but it will affect you and how you think about this guy. And it'll create a roller coaster inside of your body, girl. You'll be a part of Inside Out, Part three, the movie.

And they'll add a new character called Dumbon't. Be that girl, please. Don't you hear me? It's true, Tea, honey. It's true, Tea.

Okay?

And we all know that girl. Best friend, cousin, sister, auntie. She's with a guy that is not good for her at all. But she is so diplomatized that she's not even thinking straight.

Don't Be that girl. Part of it is waiting. It's also a great evaluation tool to see if he's actually wanting a relationship or if he just wants to hit.

Is it crazy that my friends say that I love toxic relationships? No. Your friends know you better than you probably know yourself, so it's probably true. You're going to need to figure out why you like the toxicity of the relationship. Right? And oftentimes it is because we will lean into relationships that are familiar and our parents create our bonding patterns. So it probably means that you had a toxic relationship with one of your parents or both of them. Now, I will tell you, for most of my black women clients, most of them have highly judgmental or critical mothers and physically or emotionally absent fathers. Both very toxic.

So explore that, Darling said. What happens if he doesn't show you off to his family or friends? His family and friends should already know your name and should already know everything about you or a lot about you. If they don't, you're not the one. And I don't mean to be rude, but I'm letting you know what it looks like, what I see every week with my clients.

If he introduces you and they don't already say, oh, so this is Darlin. Okay. Nia said, do you recommend rotational dating? I sure do.

I sure do. I call it Olympic dating. You want to have a gold medalist, a silver medalist, and a bronze medalist at all times. And if you don't, you not. Don't stop dating till you get them. Don't stop till you get enough dating Olympians, like my mentor Michael said. Okay, ladies, you're gonna have to rotationally date.

Okay? Some of the girls are like, I can't even get one. I think it's because y' all are going for the gold all the time.

I think that you have to think about it like you're applying to college. You have some reach schools. Let's be honest. Some of the guys we're talking to might be a little bit of a regional shade. Some target schools, guys that are kind of on your level, and then some safety schools. Those guys that you might not be feeling totally, but showing up and doing everything that they need for you, this is how you fill up this roster, girl.

Y' all are trying to apply to Harvard, Princeton, Stanford, Penn, Yale. And then getting mad because you're not getting into any of these schools. And if you do get into a school, you're not getting any scholarships, so you can't go.

This is how you date. This is how I want you to date. Okay. Someone said, I can't handle a roster. Yes, you can. Yes, you can. You can handle it. You. The reason why a lot of women think that they can't handle a roster or Olympic dating is because you're used to giving 100% to these guys. So when you have three guys, you think that you're gonna have to give 100% of yourself to them. What I'm offering to you is that you need to give each one of these guys 33%. That's what it looks like, because.

One of them will drop every week. It's like.

I don't know, American Idol girl. Every guy gets 33%. The other thing is, when a guy texts you, you don't need to answer him right away. When you're texting, you need to have specific times where you're texting your dudes. I was just telling this to my clients, and I'll tell it to you, too, even though you haven't paid me.

Have time. Breakfast, lunch, dinner. Treat these men like meals and just eat them up. Breakfast, you chatting with all your dudes. Lunch, you chatting with all your dudes. Dinner, you're chatting with all your dudes. What's freaking you out and tripping you out is every time a guy texts you, you feel like, oh, I gotta text him back. Don't be that girl. Yes, honey. Devour these men. The reason why you do that is because you have a bonding pattern.

And let me know if this is true. For many of you.

You were taught, probably from your mother, maybe from your dad, that if someone texts me or calls me, I have to. I have to respond immediately. And if you don't believe me, miss a call from your mother. She'll probably call you right back two or three times. So you're taught that I have to drop everything for someone that I like and love. Someone said, you're right, sir. Oh, my God. Yes. Yeah. And he said, the Caribbean mom Squirrel. If you are from Caribbean, Nigerian garbage. Ghanaian. I pray for you every night.

Every night.

Now I vogue when I cross, but I'm still praying.

I broke it down, but I still pray for you. Okay.

We have to unlearn it, ladies. We have to unlearn it. Okay, so I was talking about.

Meeting people online. So one of the things that I do on my program is I help each lady understand, like, what their natural flirt style is. Because a lot of you girls. No shade. I think a lot of women are taught that the way that you flirt is by being this va, va, voom. Siren Vixen. And many of us are not that girl.

So you've got to figure out what your flirt style is.

Someone said, I don't know how to flirt. Many of us, and I was telling this to my clients a few weeks ago when we were going through this flirt style quiz. Many of us don't know how to flirt because we don't feel safe inside or safe enough to flirt. Everyone has their own flirt style.

Whether it's being playful, whether you're more traditional, whether you're more intellectual, whether you're more physical. You've got to figure out which one yours is and lean into that. Most of y' all are not va va voom. So don't try to give va va voom.

Especially for the smart girls out there. Flirt with this.

Everybody can flirt with these. My little A cups, girl. I can flirt with them and I give a V neck, girl. I'm already flirting with my A cups.

You gotta know how to flirt with what you got and what your lane is. Okay? So.

I think it's really. So I was talking about safety because I think this is like a very important point that you and this is what I help my clients do. We have to have the emotional confidence and the internal safety that comes with boundaries to be able to be vulnerable and flirt.

Flirting is vulnerability.

And if you don't know how to be vulnerable, it's going to be hard for you to connect with these men. Someone said, I'm a bully as a flirt. So if you are a bully when you're flirting, it is because.

You have experienced a lot of the patriarchy. Meaning, like when you grew up in your household, it meant that your dad was authoritarian and it means that he was number one and everybody else was a second class citizen or that your brother had more privileges than you did growing up. And so your first inclination is that you want to take them down a few notches. So you want to bully them and take them down so that you feel like you're on even, even playing field.

Total defense mechanism. We don't have to fight with these men, honey. A lot of us are playing defense. In dating, girl, defense doesn't win games. I don't care what the high school football coach said. In dating, you have to play offense.

If you're going to play defense, you always going to be defensive.

And ready for the fight.

You got to score, girl. You got to play offense. This is what I help my clients do. I help them flirt. I help them learn how to connect with men and connect with Themselves, first and foremost.

So if that's something that's of interest, you definitely want to book a call with me, because girl.

Defense is boring.

How to manage perfectionism. Oh, girl. Oh. Perfectionism is also boring. Now, I will say this because I always want to give you the why not just the what. Some of these other girls just give you the what. A lot of us were brought up to be perfectionists because.

A lot of our parents knew that we needed to be perfect if we were going to succeed in this world.

Especially our black moms.

So that is what we were raised to be. The unfortunate part about what that means in dating is that.

When you are quote, unquote perfect.

You will only be admired. No one can relate to perfection.

You can't love something that you admire.

To have true connection is to be relatable. The other thing about perfection is that it's rooted in shame and it's rooted in criticism. And if you're a perfectionist, I'm pretty sure that you have a lot of shame and that you're really critical. And love equals acceptance. So if you're judging everything and everyone, you're not going to get with anybody.

Men are very sensitive. They're sensitive to judgment and criticism. And so even if you're talking to him and you're judging and criticizing some other thing, he's going to feel less likely to even want to share anything with you because he's going to be afraid that you're going to judge it as well. So part of this work is healing. No shade, ladies. Your mother wound to be able to move through that so that you can come from a very accepting place.

When I tell you.

You want to be relatable, you don't want to be perfect in dating Mo Ashley said. But they expect perfection from us. But here's what I want to offer all of you, and this is what I do on my program. So if you want to do this work, you definitely want to book a call with me.

Many of you are still.

Focused on being a daughter and not a woman.

Let me pretend myself.

A lot of us are raised to be great daughters, but not great women. So what that means is a daughter, what does she do? She listens, she obeys.

She does what she's told.

She doesn't cause any trouble.

So oftentimes we will do that because that is what gave us the attention and the validation that we need. She gets good grades as an adult. She has a good job. Stop being a good daughter.

That's not gonna help you.

In life. But especially in dating.

We need to learn how to be a good woman. And I know it's so freaking ironic since I'm a gay man telling you this, but I'm sharing this with you Based on the 15 years of dating coaching that I've been doing. The quicker that you can get out of her shadow and be desperate for her love, the quicker that you can find true love in dating. Because the things that you will need to do, a good daughter can't do. The good daughter doesn't stress her mom out.

A good girlfriend stresses her man out.

That bonds him to her.

A good daughter obeys, doesn't talk back. A good girlfriend does what she wants and speaks up first.

But this is the sort of work that we do in my program. We go much deeper. Yeah, girl, you know me. I can talk about Ds all day, every day, but we really want to do the work. This is what it sounds like.

So whatever your daughter ways are, you need to drop them and drop them immediately. Jasmine said neurodivergent dating. What do you recommend? Okay, so I want to say something. I'm not a doctor. I just play one on Grey's Anatomy. A lot of black women.

Are not diagnosed.

With their neurodivergency. And what happens is it definitely affects the way that you date.

So what I know about this, and I'm not an expert, but I'm just sharing with you, my experience is.

Hypersensitivity to rejection. Also, you're the way that you talk. You're going to go from topic to topic and it's going to seem like you don't give a shit about what the guy is saying because you're going from someone's saying, what is that? Like if you have ADHD or add, right? So you're going to like change topics a lot or you're going to miss social cues. And it affects the way that you connect with other people, right? So one of the things, if you know this about yourself, you want to tell them pretty early, like, oh, okay. And obviously this manifests and it looks different on different people, on different bodies, different minds. If. But if you know, for example, that you are someone who goes from one topic to another in half a second, you need to let them know, you know, pretty early on before first date or even on like a phone or physical phone date, hey, I just want to let you know, like, my mind just works a little bit differently. So sometimes I will skip to different subjects. If I go a little bit too fast, just bring me back to the original subject. You want to do that now? Someone just sent me a video talking about which states have the biggest D.

Louisiana, Alabama, and y' all know why. But you know what surprised me a lot, girl? Utah, girl, that Mormon D coming through. That's how they have all those kids, girl. No shade.

Alaska, girl. Maine, Vermont, girl, it's that, girl, it's that. That nature, girl.

Girl, somebody said that country grammar, corn fed for the down south. But, girl, Alaska, Vermont, and Maine, honey, they stacking up. Someone said, get me a ticket. Not to Alaska, honey.

What do they say about the bears? Girl, whatever they say about the bears, that's what I say about men, girl. I think they said, if it's a black bear, girl, play dead. That's what I do with the black men, honey. Honey, they said, if it's a brown bear, I don't know what they say, girl. I think they play dead, girl. Because I play. I play dead with the brown men, too, honey.

If it's white fight, girl, that's what I do, girl. And I fight with these white men, honey. And I'm playing there with all the. If they got color on their skin, girl, I'm playing dead, girl. I'm just gonna let them take me.

So what? Someone said, you're married to a white man. I don't care.

Oh, my God. I hope he doesn't hear me, girl. I hope he doesn't hear me, girl.

Oh, Lord. Someone said, fighting with the polar bear is the last thing you want to do. Well, thank you so much, Ms. National Geographic 2024. Okay. Y' all said you won't tell. Good. Someone said, he'll forgive you. He sure will, girl. I'm not leaving him, and he not leaving me. Oh. Someone said, if it's brown on the ground, girl, same thing. Dead, dead, Dead for the brown, dead for the black.

Okay, okay. Someone asked chemistry or compatibility? I would say always prioritize compatibility over chemistry. And the reason why I say this is because a lot of guys that have chemistry are toxic and narcissistic, and they have chemistry with everyone because that's their jam, right? And so the other thing is that if you want to create a foundation of a relationship based on chemistry, the thing that we have to understand is that chemistry literally fades within our bodies within 18 months. So that's why after about a year and a half, you see all of these relationships not working out because they were built on chemistry and not compatibility.

The simple kids just, like, gives the tea on Nigeria, men very educated, well off. What else? Very Controlling, very blunt, very love bomber.

May cheat often. Oftentimes have families in Nigeria that you don't even know about. Like you'll have to do detective work with Nigerian men.

If they.

They think that just because they pay for things for you that they can do whatever they want. And to be honest with you ladies, if you're African American, they're really, many of them are only serious with Nigerian women. They will think of you as a placeholder.

I want to give you the tea.

I get a lot of shit when I talk about Nigerian men because they don't like people clocking their T.

That's the T.

So if you're going to engage with a Nigerian man, one of the things that you need to understand that you need to let them know that you're very close with your family. You're going to need to let them know that you're going to need to see their house.

Because a lot of them won't take you to their house. One, because they have a family there or two, because they're not thinking of you. Like, seriously. And people say 3 same for Ghanaian men as well. The reason I'm saying this is because I think a lot of us get really wooed by the fact that we feel like this man is cherishing me because many of us were not cherished growing up. So he feeds into this deeper need that we have and so we feel deeply connected to these Nigerian men.

But I will tell you, most of it is game.

And a sorry ass game at that.

The gag of dating a Nigerian man, it's like passing go and collecting $200. But what you don't understand is that when you pass the $200 and go, every property has a hotel on it and you will have to pay for it everywhere you land. Love bomb tea.

And I think I can say this. The 23andMe test that I said that I took, it told me that I was 23% Nigerian. So I'm really just talking about myself and my people.

Yeah, it's honey. Monopoly tea.

Someone said, are you Igbo? No, but sometimes I'm ignant.

Oh my gosh.

Somebody said, don't nobody want a little D. Some girls do. No shade. And y' all know who you are. If your V can't take big D, don't. Don't talk shit.

Don't talk shit. And y' all know who you are.

Yeah. Someone said, team Lil D, right? The worst thing that can happen is you talking all this shit to some guy. And then when it comes to when something happens, girl, and you see what is what he's really talking about. Then you had talked so much that you feel like you got to go through it and you suffering every stroke. Yeah. Who's. Who's team Little D? Who's team Medium D and who's team Big D? That's what I want to know.

Yeah. The worst position you can be in is you have talked all that and then you got to go through with it and then you join one of these.

Can't even enjoy it, girl. Feels like a war. Feels like surgery. Okay, I'm seeing mostly mediums. The gag is that the research says that if a guy has an 8incher, the probability that you will get an O is close to like 50 or 55%. Now if he has an 11incher or a 3incher, the probability of your O goes down to like 30ish percent.

Okay, good. All right.

Good to know. Good to know. I'm so glad to hear that most of you all are into medium because most of the men are medium.

A lot of girls talking about I need them. And I want to be really honest with you all. Okay. Can I be honest with you all? Please?

Okay.

A lot of you all might feel like you need a big D because it is the only way that you're able to relax and release. And the work is not needing a D to do that. The work is actually creating a life for yourself where that naturally happens for you. A lot of you all cannot get get to your O because you're so tense.

Because your life is a freaking mess. And your life is running you and you are not running your life.

If you feel like you are one of those girls.

Realize you've got to get your life together.

So that you don't need a 10 incher so that you can relax once a week.

Yeah.

You will get your O much more often if you got a motherfucking relaxed life. You hear me, ladies? So get that shit together. And you, you know what will happen after that? A six will get you there. A six will get you there. And guess what? He doesn't even have to go. He doesn't have to do all that to get you there.

Okay? Yeah, but here's the thing. You can create a relaxed life through your boundaries and through your feminine energy.

That's what it looks like. I hope this is helpful for you all.

Because.

This is part of the dating life. This is part of relationshiping.

Sometimes guys don't want to do that. They want to roll. They don't want to hit, especially if they love you. Any random mofo can hit pound.

But guys that are into you will want to roll with you.

And if you're tense, you won't be able to get off with that.

And one of the most demoralizing things for a man is not being able to satisfy you.

Yeah, okay, I'm gonna go. But I hope that this was helpful for you.

If you want to work with me, definitely book a call with me. But you don't have to listen to my podcast. It's called the get yout Guy Coaching Podcast. Alright ladies, be well. Bye now.

Hey girl. Thank you so much for listening to the GetYourGuy coaching podcast. If you like this episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at www.getyourguycoaching.com. apply or subscribe and leave me a review. Wherever you listen to your podcasts, talk soon.