We Don't Settle, Tyler Perry!

Hey, girl. Welcome to the GetYourGuy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week, you'll hear actionable advice, tips, and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can. You guessed it. Get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go.

Honey. The girls are acting out, honey. And when I say the girls, I mean Ms. Tyler Perry.

Oh, Lord, give me the strength. Lord, give me the strength.

I hope you all are doing well. Hello. Hello. Hello. For those of you that don't know me, my name is Anwar White. I am a dating coach for smart and successful black and brown women, and I'm here to help you level up your love life, per usual. Now, I hope you all are doing well. We got a lot of people talking a lot of ish about dating, love and relationships. And so I thought I would come in here and bring some clarity to the situation. Yeah. As well as, you know, if you've been here often, you know that you put your questions in the comments and I answer them so that we can make sure that we are properly leveling up in love, dating and relationships instead of settling.

Yeah. Because in 2023, we don't settle. We level up. And if people can't reach our level.

We bless and release them. Yes.

Okay. Now.

I've been a dating coach for 13 years. I've seen it all. I've coached it all. And one thing that I know is that.

There'S a lot of conditioning and programming when it comes to telling black women what they should or should not do in their love lives. And I hope through the work that I do that you never feel like I am trying to limit you. My job and my intention is to help you expand the realm of possibility as it pertains to your love life. That's my intention. That's why I'm one of the few black dating coaches that I tell you, date everybody, not just black dudes. Squirrel. Yeah, date everybody so that you have the highest chance of finding your person who's gonna treat you like the queen that you are.

So when I hear other people telling you.

To be okay with scraps.

That upsets me. It's an insult to your intelligence.

To your emotional intelligence, and to your lives.

It's inappropriate.

Completely inappropriate. Don't let these black dudes.

Gaslight you.

Into thinking or doing things that you know are completely wild and Unserious.

Inappropriate.

What we're not going to do is engage, engage in the nonsense.

What we are going to do is continue to do our work and continue to check in with ourselves to make sure that we are the women that are ready for the best relationship of our lives.

You feel me?

Because what we're not going to do is listen to individuals that don't understand your everyday life and don't understand what it looks like to date right now.

And date men.

Yeah. Guess what? There's an issue with settling.

And many of us have done it right. No one is above it. Especially if you're a woman of color. You've been programmed and conditioned to settle in your romantic life, but in other parts of your life as well because of institutional prejudice and racism. You've had to settle for careers and jobs that you knew that you were overqualified for, but you couldn't get the job that was at your level. You had to settle for certain schooling, right? Certain housing.

Certain cars.

Many of us have had to settle in a variety of different places in our love lives or in our lives. And so feeling like you have to settle in your love life just feels like a very natural thing. And I'm here to let you know that you don't have to do that.

Yeah. And I don't want to say settling because sometimes it doesn't feel like settling when you don't date a lot or you haven't had a lot of attention that any sort of attention or validation that you get feels amazing and great and is better than what you've had before. So I want to also offer that that oftentimes it doesn't feel like settling because you got something. But getting with someone that is a 5 out of 10.

And not a 9 or a 10 out of 10.

Is more detrimental than having no one. Let me explain. When you are with, I'm going to call him a half assed dude, what happens is when you stay in that situationship or relationship long enough, you will trick your brain and your heart into thinking that that is all that you deserve and it becomes your upper limit of love. So you only think that you are worthy of a level five kind of love and guy. That's why settling is actually worse than having nobody. When you have zero, nothing, no one, you give yourself the time and opportunity and the potential to get with a 9 or 10. If you're with a 5 and you stay with that 5 for a long period of time, you only think that that's what's available to you and you will grasp onto that because of a scarcity, love mindset, realizing that. And when you grasp onto it even more, it's kind of like a perpetual cycle. You are really telling yourself that. That's all I have.

Yeah. That's why we don't want to get with fives and we don't want to get with guys that cannot provide. And unfortunately, the one thing that Tyler Perry did get right in that crazy, unserious interview was that he said that black women make more than black men. Single black women make more than single black men. It's true. And that's why we have these conversations. We don't have these conversations in other races, in other racial communities because they don't have this issue. I'm going to say something that is going to be tough to hear, but you're going to have to date other men.

If you want to find love. Not just black men. They are not self actualized as a group. Some of them are. Here's the gag about dating black men. Many of them are not self actualized. And the guys that are like, have some sort of stability. They're so sought after because there's so few of them that they, most of them do not actually pursue, put any sort of effort and become narcissistic and expect women to chase them. Let me know if that's been your experience because I talk with clients all day, every day and they say I really want to get with a black guy that's on my level. But anytime I try to talk to them, he thinks he's better than everybody and he's not doing anything.

That's the tricky part about hyper focusing on just black men. I want you to date everybody and I want the best guy. It's like the Hunger Games out here, girl. I want the best guy to win ultimately. Okay, so I want you to think about this when you're dating.

Am I saying that I don't want you to be with a black man? No, I just want you to be with the best guy whether he's black or not. In my program, two thirds of the women that I work with end up with black men. Another third end up with non black men. And I actually think that that's what the statistics are going to be as a whole, as black women continue to wake up and understand that non black men are checking for them and that they have many more possibilities and as black women continue to heal themselves. It's exciting. But what that means is because right now, 90, 95% of black women are marrying black men. It means that when that shift happens, there are going to be a lot of single black dudes out there that are not going to know what to do with themselves. It's going to be sad for them. Hopefully that will give them the time and the space for them to level up and do what needs to be done. Because right now, the way that black women are killing it in this world, there's an evolution shift happening, whether we want to avoid it, ignore it or not. You come here because you want the real deal and I'm going to give it to you. Black women are evolving past many black men, unfortunately.

Is what it is. All right, I'm gonna get off my soapbox now. Yeah, Let me see what Ig's talking about real quick. So who's coaching black men on how to level up? Can you do that for us? No, girl, I don't want to deal with black men just like you don't.

Amari's.

Or soiree. Hi, I have a question. What's the probability of finding a man that can pull his weight around the house, help take of the kids and take on responsibilities? 50. 50. Well, girl, I don't know about. I don't know. I don't know what 5050 means. Number one, what is that? What language are you speaking? Don't know anything about that. Don't know her.

What I do know is that.

It really depends. So the statistics that I have based on the client work that I've been doing for the past like, you know, over a decade, is that if you're dating everybody, it's going to be about one out of every seven guys. Yeah. If you're dating just black men, it's going to be closer to around 2%. So I think 1 out of 7 is like 14, 15% black men. It's going to be roughly 2%. Right. 2, 3%, something like that.

Just FYI.

And that's. That's not the 5050 that is provider. Because I don't deal with that and I don't want you to either.

Cheezah said this is giving intervention. Yes, girl.

I wrote something. Can I share it now?

When you.

Hang out with, create situationships with and get into relationships with men that are not self actualized, it hurts my feelings and it makes me sad.

Yes, girl, very much. Intervention vibes.

Let me see what y' all are talking about.

Zach has said you have nice eyes. Thank you. Jesus said. He said black. Yes, girl, be lack. Be lacking, girl, in certain things. Other things they're not some things they may be.

Sarah said, they don't think men of other races are better options for us and they don't know. Yeah, I did a whole video about why black women and white men make the best coupling. They have the lowest divorce rate and there's so many other things happening, so, so many other options. T Chan said, I want to meet a guy, a man who is a leader and more I think you said meant alpha than me. Someone to guide, provide and protect. Part of our work is to learn how to recalibrate our feminine and masculine energy. We're hyper on the masculine, right. We're given 70, 80% masculine, 20% feminine. And the guys coming at you are at 80% masculine. And masculine doesn't work, my loves. Yeah, either. Y' all will bump heads because when you're in your masculine energy, the only guys that you will attract are guys that are in their hyper masculine energy to make you feel feminine, but they're so hyper masculine that they're toxic. So y' all are going to be bumping heads and fighting, trying to control and lead or you're going to meet the hyper feminine right. And those guys are going to regress into teenage boys and you'll end up mothering them. Those are the only two results. Let me know if you experience either one of those situations and if you have, I'm pretty sure you're in your masculine energy while dating, girl. Adrienne said, for some reason black men think we will wait on them. Yeah, I know. And many of you have been. Unfortunately, average age for a black man to get married is 35. And most of the time they're getting married to black women. Average age for other black men is closer to 30.

Again, not self actualized because they're not getting college degrees. They're not, they're not getting great jobs. So it's taking longer for them to actually get to a stable place in their career to get to a place where they can actually marry you. Why wait?

And you want to have, and you want to have a kids and a family and the picket fence and all that. And you get to have that if that's what you want. But I don't want you waiting to the last second because a guy can't get his ish together. You know.

Chanel said, really enjoy your videos. Just wanted to say that. Thank you. You're so welcome, girl.

Let me see what y' all are talking about. All I'm saying is facts. Yes, exactly. Yeah, this is straight facts. My experience right now. Yeah, These good for nothings are acting brand new like they're the prize. The successful ones, the one that have the degree and the jobs. Girl, a mess.

Yeah, honey. A lot of these black guys with basic college degrees, this is what Letiya said, think that they're the cream of the crab. Mind you, you got your bachelor's, master's and at. At a director level, and he's giving senior. Senior analyst.

What now?

Girl, I just exhaled. I was waiting to exhale and I just did.

Yeah.

Tootsie roll said amwa. I went on a date. It went really nice. Should I throw ideas for a second date or let them pick?

So, no, because that's adminning the date. So the feminine, energetic response to you've had a great first date, you're waiting for the second date is wait for him to ask you out. Right. And if he doesn't ask you out within a week of the first date, let him go. That's not your husband. That's not. That's not your guy. And when he says, hey, I would love to take you to, you know, something really great. Awesome. Would love that. Great. If it's something that you don't like, let him know. Thank you so much. This sounds really fun. I would actually prefer to do a more fun activity like bowling or topgolf. And then he can pick one of those two, and then you guys are both maximizing your pleasure and fun.

Yeah.

Honey. Stevie said, tyler Perry has convinced me to leave black men alone.

Tamara said, I don't want to deal with the issues of a white guy's family and friends. Here's the gag, girl. So in your filtering, evaluation, evaluation, vetting process, you're going to have to evaluate how he protects you during the courtship. Right. And how he advocates for you when you're out at a restaurant, out in public, how he protects you, how he stands up for you, how he speaks up for you when somebody comes sideways, because they always come in sideways for a black woman for some reason.

If he keeps acute and mute.

If he doesn't stand in front of you, if he doesn't check people immediately, he's not going to check his family. But you have to evaluate that during the courtship process, his family is going to do whatever they're going to do. And that's not any of your freaking business. Your business is does your guy stand up for you? And unfortunately, he's going to have to stand up for you more than the average guy, just based on your lived experience and all of the things that you got up karate chop left and right every day.

So please understand that that's what you're looking for when you're being courted by a white man.

Nycastro said, hell, I went to women, girl. I almost did, too. Quiet as his cat.

Adrian said, we're going to be the passport girls. That's right, honey. That's why we going to Italy this fall and we're going to Turkey next spring, honey.

Vibes girl said, do non black men approach? Y' all put me on. No, girl. Non black men don't approach black women. You're going to have to start the conversations.

You're going to have to.

Either compliment him, ask him for help, or ask for a recommendation and get the party started.

Many of y' all are like, white men are not checking for me, bro. When you get when you enter a room, don't look any anyone in the face. Look at their feet.

Any of those feet pointing toward you. That guy's into you. That's how you know a guy's checking for you. Not because he's staring in the corner like a perv or that he's approaching you. Because most guys won't approach you these days. They're a little scared of rejection. We're in post me too environment. We're in a post pandemic environment. Although the pandemic is starting to come back a little bit. If you know, you know.

You'Re going to have to start the conversation.

Steph said, I tagged you in a video of a black man realizing more black women dating white men. I'm trying to tell you, I feel like when I hear those things, I'm doing my job.

That's when I say to myself, go, girl, go. Magnolia Darling said, I'm so equal opportunity in dating, y'. All. If you are not giving DEI in your dating, what are you doing? If you're not giving separate but equal in your dating, what are you doing? If you're not giving MLK and you're dating, what are you doing? Yes.

Okay, KDB Rodriguez, how do we go about picking men to swipe right on the apps without being too picky? What you have to realize is, on a scale from 0 to 10, if he's a 5 or above in terms of attraction, you want to have a conversation with him because the profile is not going to equal the men. I literally just got off of a My VIP clients can message me whenever, right? And text me. And I'm working with one of my clients in LA and she's actually started not being so picky and started having conversations with men and because she was one of those girls. And you can let me know in the comments. Out of 20 profiles that you see, out of 20 profiles that you see, how many do you swipe right on?

If it's less than 5, then I know that you're swiping for your husband and you're not swiping to date, and that's a problem. Yeah, you will be pleasantly surprised when you start actually having conversations with many more men and you will actually fill up your roster. The reason why many of you all don't have actual you're not Olympic dating. You don't have a gold medalist, a silver medalist, and a bronze medalist is because you are swiping on one person out of 50 men. And then he doesn't respond and then you're devastated and you're like, I hate these apps. I'm done. That's not how you got to work the apps. That means the app is working you, girl. Yeah, you don't want to be too picky because here's the thing right now, many of you, and I can say this with full certainty, because I've been doing this work for 13 years and I get women into relationships at least one or two every week. Many of you don't know what your actual type is. Your type is actually not your type because your type is really dependent on not what it looks like, but what it feels like, which means that you have to do deeper analysis of your deeper relationship needs.

And many of us haven't done that yet. Many of us don't even have a dating strategy.

In the comments. If you have a dating strategy, say I have a dating strategy. If you don't have a dating strategy, give me nostrategy. And if you don't have a strategy, girl, don't you ever tell a man, I'm dating with intention.

Intention, but with no strategy. Try again.

Tatiana said, you are too funny, girl. I. Girl, I'm trying, girl. Trying. I'm seeing a lot of no strategies, honeys, my loves.

I'm seeing a lot of no strategies. That's a no no. Because let me ask you this, and this is no shade.

If you went into your work without a strategy, if you were a nurse, you would never go into a patient's room without knowing exactly what you were going to do step by step. If you're a lawyer with a client, you would never have a client meeting and not know exactly how you're going to represent that client and what sort of arguments you're going to make. If you're a project manager, right, you're always going to know what the project timeline is and what are the deliverables and the deadlines.

Right?

So why are you doing. Why, why don't you have that in your dating life? I'll tell you why.

Our parents don't teach us, especially if you're black and brown.

Media tells you something completely different than having a strategy. Media. Disney movies, Hallmark movies, Rom coms tell you.

Just wait and see. And he will come and he will bump into you in a coffee shop and drop all of your schoolwork and your papers and your work and your computer, help you pick it up and y' all are will fall in love. And that's not what it looks like. That's not dating. Not in this technological era.

Where girl, no shade, but your guy could be in London, England right now.

And you're trying to find someone in a suburb of Houston.

No, you got it. We got to do it differently.

Yeah. Earthly awakening. Why don't black men like to show up for their women? It's not that they don't like to show up. Many of them don't know how many. Most, I would say most black men have mommy issues and three things, especially with black moms. And y' all know this because many of you all have black mom issues, especially if you're a high achieving black woman. Most of the issues you have is not, are not daddy issues. They're often mommy issues because she was in her masculine energy. So as this. What, what does this look like for black men? It looks like, and I'm gonna do a podcast episode about this. But like most black moms are often quite controlling. So what that means is that he is. That creates.

Kind of like a distaste for women, right? Because he feels powerless and that he doesn't have control or agency. And so oftentimes when he is interacting with women, not only will he disrespect them, but he will cheat on them and be narcissistic toward them because he's trying to gain control over women that he never had when he was growing up. Controlling is the first mommy issue. Also codependence, right? In the 90s, 2/3 of black households were roughly 2/3 were single parent. And we all know that that's single mother households. So those single moms often.

Made their sons surrogate partners for them, which is inappropriate. So what does that mean? It means that oftentimes men, Black men are going to also be less commitment, focus or be scared of commitment because they were forced into this weird quasi relationship with their mothers that they didn't ever want. So that's another mommy issue that a lot of black men have. The third one that a lot of black men have is enmeshment. And for those that don't know that it is where they are.

Spoiled and entitled. And if you've ever grown up with a black dad or a black brother, you know that.

They get to get away with murder. And everybody's so hard on you.

If I'm lying, give me hashtag no. If I'm telling the truth, give me boy, you ain't lying.

Or give me brother privilege. Yeah. What does this mean? This means that they think that they're the prize. So they think that women are just there to serve them. And these are the men that will ask you what you bring to the table.

The men that have the enmeshment. Mommy issues.

Okay. I hope this is helpful for you as you start to understand like, that it's not that they don't. They don't want to show up. They don't know how. And if you grow up in a household and there's no man in his true masculine energy, there's no model for you. He doesn't know how to be a man in his true masculine energy.

It's sad. He's getting the societal learning and programming that's telling him, be a man, be a man, be a man. But most of the actual influence that he is getting is from his mother. Right. Who is also has his feminine energy. Kanye speaks about this a lot. Like so many people thought that he was gay when he was coming up because he had the mannerisms of his mother, but he was hanging out with his boys, so there was this weird mix. And when you have hyper masculine energy and hyper feminine feminine energy, that's narcissistic energy.

That's why they can't show up for you.

By the way.

Check the link in my bio book a call if you want to do this work with me. It's deeper work that we're doing here. I'm giving you some black eyed tea. But there is deeper work that can be done here so that you can get your guy, whomever that may be. Yeah, I also have free trainings and a link to my podcast in my bio, so definitely check that out in the link in my bio.

Hey, girl, thank you so much for listening to the GetYourGuy coaching podcast. If you like this episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at www.getyourguycoaching.com apply or subscribe and leave me a review. Wherever you listen to your podcasts talk.