What Partner Are You? w/ Karina Daves

Hey, girl. Welcome to the GetYourGuy coaching podcast. My name is Anwar White, but you can just call me your own personal dating and relationship coach. Each week you'll hear actionable advice, tips, and strategies that you can implement in your own love life. I'm talking about healing your heart, dating effectively, and understanding men so that you can, you guessed it, get your guy. Are you ready to level up your love life? All right, let's go.

Hello, my loves, and thank you so much for joining me on the get your guide coaching podcast. We have a very special guest today. I'm actually super, super excited, and I know I say that about most of my podcast episodes, but I'm actually being serious this time. We have the amazing relationship coach Karina Daves here, and she is going to break it down for us in terms of how we need to be thinking about how we can be our best partner. I'm so excited to get into this conversation because I know that if you're going to date well, you dating well is super important for you to be in a great relationship. But you have to understand who the hell you are and who you want to be in a relationship, and that will inform how you date. So, Karina, thank you so much for being here. Girl, how are you?

Yes. Like I said before, I'm so good and I'm so excited to finally chat with you.

Yes, girl, tell the listeners who you are and what the hell you do and how you got into it, please.

Yeah, okay. So my name is Karina F. Dave. I'm a relationship coach and the podcast host of One day at a Time. And I love helping women overcome their number one relationship issue because a better relationship begins with a better you at the end of the day. And so I got started. I'm actually a social worker. I was a social worker for about 14, 15 years, and I taught as a professor, women gender studies, women global leadership, and did a lot of mentorship with different type of age groups women and realize that, like, anybody can have strategy and anybody can have to do list and anybody can make all those things happen. But when we do the relationship work, when we do the identity work, what we value and what our standards are like, that just changes the game for the, I would say the type of relationship, whether it's romantic or not. And so I've had my business for about three years now and just loving my clientele, loving the content we're creating. And I just want to say yesterday I posted one of my first pieces of content in Spanish about relationships and I hired a Spanish coach, and she's helping me through my confidence, which is interesting, because you would think she would be my coach for more linguistic, but it's actually more confidence, so I'm working on Me too.

I love that. I absolutely love that. You know, it's really interesting. I am fluent in about five to six languages, and you take on a different Persona in that language and, like. But you have to build up your confidence in each of those languages to figure out who you are in that language. Right. I totally get that. I get that.

Yeah, yeah. It's the relationship with the language 100.

And yourself, as they said. Okay, so, girl, you. You said you help women with their number one thing. Girl, you're totally being a tease, and you've got to let us know what that number one thing is. Girl, you can't keep us hanging.

Okay, here we go. I can give you the top three relationship issues that I've seen.

Okay.

No, no.

We settle. People settle. That's a conflict in and of itself. And the top reasons why people settle are they're either attached. So, like, they're attached to the identity of being in a relationship. You ever meet people that just, like, want to be in a relationship, so they're attached to that identity. Others remain because they may be attached financially. Right. In that aspect. There's also a set of people that settle because of the investment in time.

Relationship. Yes. And so in their mind, they don't want to face what they think in their minds will happen, which is like, I waste. This was a waste of my time, which it actually wasn't. It was such a form of practice, such a form of lessons and surrender. Like, so many things are happening. And so that's one conflict people settle. Two, we have a group of people that are extremely controlling in their relationship. And when we hear this word, controlling, we think like, you never let them go. Like, you're super mean, but you can be controlling and be really nice. And your kindness can be extremely manipulative. Like, it just is. And what happens in these situations, that is that the root of your control is usually because you're trying to have this relationship fill a void that you never had. Right. And so plenty of us, some of us may have grown up in, you know, separate households or have divorced parents. And so, like, you're trying to control this relationship because you don't want to end up divorced. And so those are, I would say, the top two identity things. But in these two biggest conflicts, the main resolution is the identity work. When you know who you are, what you want and how you want it. So what I mean by that is your identity. That's who you are. What you want is your value. So let's take one of your values is respect. Right. And the third is your standard, how you want it. Right. If your value is respect in this relationship, you need to ask yourself what is the line that needs to be crossed when the value is no longer top tier? Like what is your standard for respect? Is it calling you out your name? Is it not remembering your birthday? You know, things like that. You have to figure out what your standard for your values are within your identity.

Yeah, I love that. So we're going to get into a little bit of each one of those because I think it's so important because like I was saying before, how you are in relationship is basically going to be how you are in dating. And you want to make sure that you get it right. And dating is the training ground for being in a relationship. I mean, that is why we do it. So I want to get into settling because I think it's so important. I think it's actually, you know, I work with smart and successful black and brown women and oftentimes they do date down or they relationship down because they want to be in a relationship. They want to have the wedding, they want to be, you know, in September. They want to be able to say, I'm taking young, you know, Teddy to school. Right. They want to do those things and check the, the things off of the life milestones list. Yeah. So they will settle for a guy that is okay, but not necessarily one, you know, one that lights you up. But you talked about financial, right. You talked about time investment as well. Let's talk a little bit about financial because I think that's actually something that's really important, especially for women of color. And you know, if, if we grow up, some of us don't grow up wealthy or at least, you know, middle class that often we might come into our dating and relationship with some money wounds. Yeah. And I think it's. It's one of these topics that maybe isn't talked about so much that actually affects a significant way in. You will date and partner with someone. What have you seen in your work when it comes to women that are focused on a rich guy or a generous guy or what have you?

Yeah. So it's interesting that I, that you asked that question because that ask of a guy is only to fulfill a void, is only to ensure safety. So one of the reasons why we also settle Is security is. We feel like this person can fulfill that void of feeling secure. And what happens is money tends to be a topic where we do have some wounds. Like, I know I have some money wounds, but what I found is a solution. And it's super simple, but it's difficult to do is you gotta lay it out. You gotta lay it out. Listen, with my particular marriage with my husband, we rarely fight about money. And it's because we talk about it. Like, we actually talk about it. I remember when we got married, it was. I was straight up, like, how much debt do you have?

Yeah.

And he was like, I have this. And I was like, he's like, what do you have? And I'm like, I have this. But listen, this I have a plan for, you know, this is my student loans. And this. I was like, what's your plan? And coming from a place of, like, this is teamwork now, right? Like, how are we going to do this? And I think even for the dating scene, plenty of us are like, how do you talk about money when you're dating? And I'm like, if it's that important to you, you should talk about it 100%. Just like kids. Y' all want to talk about kids, but not want to talk about money. Kids is a lifetime commitment. Like, you can't give those things back. Money and debt is also the same way. But we can get rid of debt. We can figure out a plan, right? So, like, we should. As openly as we are talking about, do you want to have kids? We also got to talk about the money aspect. And from a place of less judgment and more so about, hey, listen, these are my values when it comes to money. I'm not saying you need to be a millionaire, but I believe that we should have security. I believe that we should have a system. And if it's not something that you have, would you be open to it? Because that's what I need, right? So, like, having those open conversations. What do you think?

Super important. Super important. I'm of the mindset that, like, when we are dating, like, I tell my clients all the time, I don't want you in their wallet because it's not there. It's not your business. If he's courting you, you will see it through the actions. It is not until we get into an exclusive relationship and there's a level of responsibility that is different than the courtship phase. We can, obviously, I want us to have those conversations while we're being courted, but in a more serious way. Getting to a Level of specificity and detail around, how do I think about this? How do I. How am I going to manage this? What is my plan? When you're being courted, your job is just to figure out how you feel. And if it feels good, I want us to continue. If it doesn't, I want us to step away. Right. But like, the way that he courts will tell you a lot about the money that he has and how he manages it and how he thinks about it. Yeah. So my understanding is really being observing or observant of that more so than anything else. But, you know, to your point, you know, many of my clients get into relationships, and I do have like a secondary relationship coaching program. We have a lot of different questions that we ask as it pertains to. And this is specifically. Right. Like, I want to say about three to six months before moving in together. Right. Where we need to figure out, well, what do you consider an expensive pair of shoes? Or how much would you spend on a new sofa? Right. To get a sense of not only spending habits, but also like, well, that's the time in which we talk about, here's my debt. When we start to combine the finances or potentially thinking about what that looks like and thinking about joint accounts and things like that, that is when we start to have that conversation. So, you know, we, for me, we ease into it. But definitely a super important conversation. The settling thing is so, so prevalent, especially for black. And I was just having a conversation about this with my clients this past week as we talk about maybe some beliefs that we received from our. From our fathers. And one of the things that I was saying or we were discussing was that often because many of our parents got together in like the 80s, and that was a very hard time for everyone. But specifically for black and brown individuals that, you know, we were in a recession, we were in, for many of us, you know, a drug epidemic of sorts. And so a lot of our fathers were not in place, places where they needed to be. And that actually created a model in which we. We were forgiving of things where men were not fully showing up. And that becomes a bonding pattern and something where a lot of women will be okay with. Okay, well, he's not doing this, but I'm just going to give him a chance because that's what I saw my mom do or that's what I had to do. And I saw my father not showing up, but I had to settle because I didn't have the agency to step away from a relationship that didn't fully Serve me. So, I mean, I think it's multifaceted. And I, you know, I always look at the Len from, you know, what does this look like for a black or brown woman? Because it's a different experience than maybe a white woman who hasn't had the same lived experience. Especially as it pertains to settling. Sometimes I think more so white women will settle for maybe not as attractive, but less so about the financial piece and whereas black and brown women will settle for more the financial piece or the less emotional perspective.

I love this conversation because it reminds me of how much we marry potential and not patterns straight up. We will marry the potential to the max and then get upset when we're in the relationship. But there were patterns way before that. You would much rather settle in a relationship that you deem as comfortable rather than being fulfilled. Right. And it reminds me of a quote that says, like, I would much rather stay in my known hell than open up the doors to unknown heavens. Like, plenty of us do that in relationships as well.

Yeah, 100%. Okay. So we talked about settling, which is such an interesting concept. And then the second. The second biggest conflict that you talked about was beyond control is control. Let's talk about control for a second. What is that? What does that look like? I think, you know, this is, I think, especially interesting for black and brown women. So what, when you say control, what does that look like in the everyday of a relationship?

Okay, so it doesn't look the way we think it looks, which is like somebody being very mean. It literally is you trying to control your partner and the narrative of your relationship rather than just allowing your partner to be them, their true selves. So plenty of times I've seen many of my clients be in relationships where they are unhappy and they're like, I just wish they got it together. All they need to do is listen to me and do X and Y and Z, and you can tell that they are very in, very much in their, like, alpha energy. And they want to make sure that things go a certain way. And they're very organized and their thought stream is very clear. But at the end of the day, they're frustrated because their partners aren't up to the level that they want them to be. And at that point, it's like, you need to allow your partner to be themselves so that you can make a clear decision. Like many of us, especially the ones that are controlling, are very upset about the situation. But if you just allow your partner to be themselves, then you can make a decision, an informed decision because they'll show you all their cards. So they're not just like following every command. They're actually, you know, being their true selves. And here's the thing. People in controlling relationships, and this is very separate than relationships that are, you know, that have domestic violence and stuff like that. I'm not talking about that level. I'm simply talking about a very different level of, of just wanting to control the narrative is that you will constantly come to your partner with your fed up energy as opposed to being able to regulate your emotions and know who you are. You will constantly be fed up with them. Then what will happen is either they will be nervous about your fed up energy and your control and just follow and continue walking on eggshells around you and do everything you say just to make you happy because they love you so much. And this is actually a toxic relationship, even though there is love in it. Because love can exist in a toxic relationship. Okay, Amen to that. And then. And. Or they are going to get fed up themselves and tell you about yourself. And then you got two fed up people that haven't learned how to regulate their emotions. And there's an extreme amount of tension. And you're like, what happened? Because three months ago we were on cloud nine, dating and doing everything and going on adventures, and now we're in this funky place and it's because one of y' all are trying to control the narrative.

Yeah, I love this. You know what's so interesting? I think that so many of us, when we think about a controlling nature, I mean, I work with smart and successful people and part of their success is having control over their domain, control over their environment. Right? Being able to be the smartest one in the room, to know and have all of the answers and never be wrong. That, you know, this is oftentimes what we get from our. From our. For many of women of color, oftentimes our moms, right, that they're actually very critical and controlling because they've had. They had to be. They were put into that role. And so the definition of love, to be loving, to be, you know, and also to be respected and loved back, is to fulfill that role. I think it's so important for us to just realize that you don't have to be that girl.

You really actually don't have to be that girl. Because the more that you. And this is what I see so much in my work that I do with my clients is that you know that that critical voice in your head is often projected to your Partner or the person that you're dating. And it's really 80% of the time coming from mom. Right. And so part of. Part of our work is making sure that we are approaching these relationships and creating our own new body patterns. Right. And deprogramming that if I'm critical of you, that means that I love you.

Right.

Actually, it's not about the judgment.

It's about the acceptance and the surrender. Yeah. You don't have to be a feedback machine with your partner. Your partner is not a project. It's not a team project. It's not anything to be managed. Y' all are a team. This is your partner. You're not their parent. You're their partner.

100. Talk to me. You use the word surrender. Talk to me a little bit about that, because, you know the girls are going to have a little bit of a ick when they hear that. What does surrender mean for you, and how do you think about it in the work that you do?

Okay. So for me, surrender starts out in a very spiritual place. Like, if you follow me on any of my social medias, I love God, and, you know, he's just been by my side, and all the glory goes to him. And so for me, surrender doesn't mean giving up. It doesn't mean you lose. Surrender in a relationship literally means allowing it to play out in a way that you're. You would have much a much better deck of cards if you surrendered, because when you surrender, the game just plays itself out and you can know what next move to make. That's true. Surrender. The second part of surrender is that not everything needs to be, like, fixed and talked about. And here's the thing. Sometimes we wake up and we're, like, upset with our partners for no reason. Like, we think of something to be upset with them about.

Yeah.

You don't got to talk to them about that. Right. You need to regulate yourself first. Get your yes. Yes. In your identity. Like, why did I wake up with that? For me, I realized I woke up like that. I used to wake up like that because exactly what you said. I grew up with a very demanding mom that would wake up every day and tell me what was wrong before she told me she loved me. Yeah. And so when I would wake up, it's like, oh, the. You know, I would. It would be. I didn't realize it at first, but it was like every time I would wake up. Did you do your homework? Did you do this? Are you doing that? Did you do. Like, it's very different. And so then I started waking up with my partner, like, hey, did you do this? Well, what about this? Are you working on this definition?

It's your definition.

Yes. It's all. So I had to surrender that and figure out what I wanted in a relationship, what I wanted for my life. And also, like, that puts a lot of pressure on your partner, especially if they love you. So many partners will stick it out because they see the good in you, they see the light in you. And so they put up with, like, this other side of you, and it's unfair to them.

I mean, they're going to put up for it for so long. I think men are actually quite sensitive when it comes to feeling inadequate. Like, that is, like, the worst thing ever. Whereas for, like, smart and successful women, I think that their biggest fear is not being inadequate, but just being mediocre. Right. So be like, this inadequacy thing is, like such a disconnection, a disconnector in a relationship. So what I'm hearing you say, and I'm so glad that you clarified this, this notion of surrender is surrender to what the relationship is and will be. Not to necessarily a man, but, I mean, you can do that if you want to. But I think it's important to clarify that, like, to your point, we don't need to control it and make a relationship happen. We have to let it be and accept it as it is. And that will give us the understanding about whether we need to engage, how to engage with it, or if we need to engage with it at all.

At all. Yeah, yeah. Thousand percent. Thousand percent. Thank you.

Thank you for that clarity. Okay, I wanted. The third thing that you talked about was about identity, right? And who the hell you are. So I know that, you know, you have a certain thought process around different kinds of partners, and I would love for you to share a little bit about the different kinds of, kind of archetypes of partners that you see in the relationship work that you do and for us to get an understanding and maybe peg ourselves into. What kind of partner am I?

Okay, So I want you to ask yourself, like, what kind of partner are you? Are you the cheerleader? So are you the one that's, like, very. People will call you, like, delusional when your partner is like, I need, you know, I don't know, $10,000 by tomorrow. And you're like, you got this. You know, you're like, you know, are you the cheerleader? Are you the fixer? Right, the parent? The person that shows up and, you know, your partner may share Something with you, like a business idea. And you're like, okay, well, the next step is doing this, this, and this. And there's absolutely no space for what they've wanted. Right. So I think of those two, I think another one that I've seen in the. In the identity is the opposite of the cheerleader. So the one that constantly tells you, like, everything that's wrong with yourself. And this isn't the fixer. This is the person that, deep down inside, they have a lot of work to do with themselves. And they may also have been raised by somebody who's highly, highly critical of them. And so then they love in a very critical way. And this is dangerous to the person's identity as well. But I don't want you to identify with one of these. I want you to figure out how you can simultaneously be all of them in a very. Not so much loving way, but in the way that your partner has given you the green light that you can be. So, for example, right, if my partner comes to me, which he actually did recently, he said, my husband's a race car driver, and he said, honey, I'm getting to the next category of, you know, my time. I beat my record three times in two weeks. It's important that I get it. Yeah, he's an amazing guy. He's like, I need a race suit. And he showed me all the prices. And I think it was about, I don't know, I think we're gonna say $3,000. And I'm, you know, listening to him. The fixer in me wanted to be like, okay, well, how are we going to pay for this? Blah, blah, blah. But instead, I just created a safe space to cheer him on, to be like, wow, that's amazing. I'm so happy for you that you're getting to the next level. And you either wait for your partner to say, how do you think we can figure this out? Or you can simply ask. And which I did. I was like, honey, do you want help? I'm trying to figure this out. Or you think you got this? And what that does is it gives them the power back instead of you constantly having to fix up. Because if you constantly have to fix up in your relationship, you're eventually going to have a lot of resentment. And so in that moment, my husband was like, no, I'm going to do a couple jobs. I'll figure it out. I just want. He said, I just wanted to show you.

Yeah.

And so many times your partner just wants to show you something. It's that simple.

Yeah, I love that so much. What I'm hearing is that it's situation dependent and part of our work is figuring out what situations work with each specific partner. At the end of the day, I want to flip this around too, because I think it's the opposite is also true. And that I want women to feel empowered, to be able to let their partner know, right now I need a cheerleader, or right now I need protection, or right now I need help strategizing. And what I see is that so often, because maybe we haven't had a lot of individuals that could, we could to speak our needs to that we have to kind of just keep it in our heads or in our hearts, but we're not sharing in a relationship. And also in dating, especially in the later parts of the courtship, you get to let your guy know, hey, here's what I need right now from you. Yeah, this is the thing that would make me feel really good and safe and secure with you, you know, in this relationship.

You know what that reminds me of?

Yeah, go ahead.

No, it reminds me of a very, it wasn't difficult. But you know, I, I, I, I'm very proud of my husband and his hobby, or I don't know what he calls being a race car driver, but it's scary. And I had to have a very serious conversation in the, in the way that you just explained, which is like, this is how I'm feeling and this is what I need. And I was like, listen, it's such a dangerous hobby. Without a doubt, you just need life insurance, like, but like high life insurance because you are putting yourself in danger much more than the normal person. And then that was when his goal was eight seconds and a quarter mile. Then he shared when he broke that record last November, he said, okay, I know I said eight seconds was my goal, but kind of want to try seven happen. And I remember my heart stopped a little bit and you know, I was like, I'm so happy for you as I'm like holding back tears. And then I was like, I'm so happy. I'm so, I really am. And I'm also really scared. And he was like, okay, what are you scared about? And I was like the obvious, like you not being here, the car catching on fire, you becoming handicapped. I don't know, all of the above. He goes, well, we'll make you feel safe. And that's when we got into a lot of conversations of like the upgrade of the car. So it would need a different road cage, it would need a different Stuff I was like, that's a different level of investment, right? And he said, yeah, yeah. And so having those open conversations about that, and then, I'm not gonna lie, the next day I called and I upped his life insurance by 200,000. I did.

Okay.

I just did. I did. Because that, I was like, you know what? Let's. We can do whatever was in, whatever I could do in that moment. I couldn't get him and we couldn't get a new road cage the next day, but I could at least do that. That. And then within the. It's been about six months now, he's making all those upgrades. So. Yeah, good.

Thank you. So thank you so much for sharing that. You know, this relationship thing is really tricky. And one of the things, one of the reasons why I wanted to have you on this podcast is because I think that, you know, when I speak with women, they, they're like, dating is really tough. And then I'm like, when they get into the relationship, I'm like, they're like, oh, yeah, that was nothing compared to actually being in a relationship. This is when the real work starts because you actually give a damn, you know, so it's so interesting that, like, this work doesn't necessarily stop, it actually intensifies, but it intensifies on a daily basis. It's like this. It's like this marathon. And I think a lot of people try to date in a sprint way and I try to help them, like, manage their emotions because it is going to be a marathon, because I want them to be best prepared for the marathon of what a relationship feels like and looks like as well.

And so why, why do people sprint? I'm curious.

Well, a couple things. Couple of things, right? One.

They like, control and they are high achieving and successful and they power through everything for the results. And two, many of us are not taught how to date. They just know that they want the result, so they will do whatever they can for the result without understanding that the journey is a result.

Right.

That actually you have to go through X, Y and Z so that you can become the woman that's ready for the best relationship of her life. But everybody wants to kind of just skip that part and get into the relationship. This is why, like, a lot of the women that I talk to have been dealing with matchmakers. And I'm like, girl like you, having a guy, amazing guy in front of you doesn't ensure that you're going to have a great relationship because you're probably not ready for the best relationship. Of your life right now. No shade. Right. And so this is. This is sprinting is because that's how they accomplish so much in their every day and in their life. But also it is because I am not used to doing the work and I don't know what the work entails, and.

That'S most of it. And I just want to be in control. And part of dating, just kind of being in a relationship is relinquishing a bit of that control and allowing surrendering to what you're dating and to what your relationship will be.

Yes. And your relationship is your mirror. I constantly say that your marriage is your mirror. Like, you and I could probably talk about that. I mean, you've been married for a while, right?

Yeah, girl. 12 years, 13 years.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm on 11. So I. Your relationship is your mirror. And part of what you're saying is like, when you get to be in the relationship, the reason why many of us have tension is because the mirror is being put up to you because the other person is starting to tell you about yourself self. Right.

You get. You're being your full, authentic self with someone and you get to see who the hell you are. And you're like, oh, I'm not like, putting the. I'm not. I don't have the face on to the outside world. And you get to see, oh, I like, yelled at him for no reason. Like, why did I do that?

Yes. And it's like. And even the stupid arguments about the dishes are never about the dishes. Never about the dishes.

Oh, my gosh, you are so right. We could talk about this forever. But yes, I'm so glad that we were able to kind of identify, like, what kind of partner you're going to be and what are those top things and conflicts as it pertains to being in a relationship. Because guess what? It's the same as being in dating, actually. Yeah. And I love that we were able to highlight that, because how we do one thing is how we do everything. And I want to make sure that everyone that is listening is able to maybe rethink and reframe how they're dating to make sure that they're actually preparing themselves for how they want to be in a relationship.

Right.

My granny would say how you start is how you finish. So if you want to start the way that you want to be in a relationship and show up energy, that same identity. Right. In a healed, centered whole way. So I'm really happy that you came on. Before we go, though, girl, I always want to hear, how did you get your guy? How did you meet him? And not just meet him, but how did you maintain this relationship? Because it's not easy.

Okay, I'll give the short version of the story, which is I. And again, like, I really feel like it was all God. My parents got divorced when I was. I was 10. A year later, my mom remarried my stepdad. They both. My mom and my dad filed for bankruptcy, which is a money wound for me because we ended up living in basements at the time, and we did it again. And so for me, basements are very triggering. And so she ended up moving and renting a home in a town called Union, New Jersey. And this is where I met my husband at 13 years old, walking down the hallway in his ROTC. Sexy very outfit.

ROTC love, girl.

And I have always known. I've just been very vocal about what I want. So I went up to him when I saw him, and I said, hi, my name is Karina. I think you're really handsome, and I would love to get to know each other. And this is 13. So it's like, there's no social media. There's no cell phones. There's just us, you know? And so he said, I. I like you too. And so then we started dating. We dated for a year. Unfortunately, my mom lost the home. We went back to my grandma's basement. We lost. I. You know, we broke up. We lost touch. I moved. And when I was in my first year of college, he reached out to me on Facebook, when it was invented. And I said, we met up. And I said, terrence, listen, like, I have so much love for you, but I am a child of immigrants and I cannot get pregnant. I immediately correlated being with my husband with getting pregnant. And I was like, if I. If we get into a relationship, I'm gonna get pregnant. And because I just love you so much. Wow. Like, what? And I was like, I just can't be with you. And he's like, okay. So then I got into graduate school. He hit me up again.

And he goes, now he was not stopping, girl.

He's like, can we date again? And I was like, we can see each other, but we can't be serious. He's like, why not? I was like, because I just started graduate school and I can't get pregnant.

Again with the pregnancy.

And he was like, okay. And at the time, he had had two daughters, actually. And I said, also, you know, I just turned 21. I know that being a co parent requires a certain heart posture and A certain level of maturity, and I don't have that right now. And I'm not saying that you're a bad person for having kids. I just know I'm not mature enough to be with somebody that has kids. And we can do all whole podcast episode on dating someone with kids. And so then he said, okay. And then I went away to Delaware. I was getting ready to go on a missions trip. I downloaded Instagram, and it said, these are all your contacts you should be friends with. I friend requested my husband when I got back from my missions trip. He didn't accept me, so I hit him up. I texted him, hello, and he said, hi, and I said, hey, listen, this Wednesday, I want to go out for a drink and have a conversation. Are you free? He said, yes. We went out, and I told him my intentions. I told him that I was ready to date him. And four months from that day, we got married. And we've been married for 11 years.

Girl, that's amazing.

Yes. Yes. I love that story. And to your answer about how have we made it work? It's very much a lot of surrender, not doing everything our parents did. You know, I grew up, obviously, with a lot of divorce, and he grew up with his own stuff. And I think that we were just trying to do the same program. And what Anwar said before was like, you have to deprogram from the original program that was installed in you thousand percent. And so we had to. At that point, we had a very serious conversation. I remember in year three where he was like, karina, I love you, but you're super controlling. And I was like, I love you, but you're so forgetful. You forget everything. And he was like, this isn't working. What do we do? And we ended up in couples therapy. And by our third session, our therapist said, none of the issues that y' all have to do with each other have anything to do with the other person. You have daddy issues, and you're still strung up on your parents. Divorce individual sessions immediately. Y' all need to do your own individual work.

That's right.

And. And that's why, you know, I think both you and I both really believe in the individual work that people have to do with themselves. Be. Not even. I mean, listen, I'm not. I'm not saying it has to be before the relationship because you can be in it, but just acknowledging that you have to do this work.

Yeah.

With yourself, you know, at some point, because it's going to affect other people, especially if there's kids involved. Right. Yeah, that's my story.

Oh, my God. I love it, girl. It was meant to be. Girl, you can't not. I love the fact that every three to five years, he was like, hey, what's up? And then you were like, hey, what's up? Amazing, Girl, I love this so much.

Thank you.

So are the listeners out there that, like, want to work with you? Because I have a number of listeners that are in relationships but still understand that these dating principles are similar for relationship principles at all. How do they get in contact with you? How can they, you know, contact you and just engage and figure out what that would look like?

Okay, listen, if you're ready to work on yourself and figure out who you are, what you want, and how you want it, I want to do this work with you. Head over to my website, Karina F as in frankdaves.com and book a sales call where we're going to talk about what's been going on, what you've tried so far, and we'll figure out how to work together. Okay? I want to help you do this work because, again, a better relationship starts with a better you. I love you so much, and I don't even know you.

I love it. Thank you so much for being here. And that's Karina with a K. All right. And we'll put everything in the show notes so that all of your information is there and they can hang out with you, book a call with you, get to know you a little bit better and more. Girl, thank you so much for being here. This has been such a beautiful conversation and so lovely. Thank you again. It has been great. And I know that my listeners have gotten so much information from this episode. So again, just thank you for your time, your energy, and your wisdom.

Thank you for. Thank you so much for having me, too. Thank you. I had a great time.

Good, good, good, good, good, good. All right, everyone, be well. I'll talk with you soon. Bye.

Hey, girl. Thank you so much for listening to the get your guy coaching podcast. If you like this episode and want to talk with me personally, please book a free consultation at www.getyourguycoaching. com. Apply or subscribe and leave me a review wherever you listen to your podcasts. Talk soon.