Consciousness Grows in Community - CLG Forum members share their experience.

Hi everybody. Jim Dethmer here with the Conscious Leadership Group. And today we're going to have some special kind of fun. We do a lot of things at the Conscious Leadership Group. We do corporate consulting. I'm actually here in Washington D.C. and I've been working with the World bank today. And you know, we put on our own events. Diana and I were out at a very cool place called 1440 Multiversity. It's just outside of Santa Cruz. And we were putting on a workshop for coaches out there. And then we provide individual coaching and we provide materials for the world. But one of the favorite things we do at the Conscious Leadership Group is we have forums. And a forum is a gathering of eight to 10 people or so who meet on a monthly basis. We meet for about four hours and then once a year we go on a two day retreat. And the purpose of a forum is to really dive deep into the practice of conscious leadership and really in a community where you get to have real relationships with real people and you're practicing together. So today we thought it would be fun to have some forum mates join in on this recording. So one of the forums that I lead in Chicago, it's been going on for several years and the people who are with me today have been in that forum for quite some time. So I want to introduce them to you and then we'll have a conversation about forum. So first I'd like to introduce you to Susan Flynn. Hi Susan.

Hi, how are you?

I'm great. Just super. And then I'd like you to meet Donna Placio. Hi Donna.

Hi Jim.

And then you've heard before from Kim Redding. Kim did a podcast with me and Diana, which many of you really liked. And Kim happens to be in this forum as well. Hi Kim. Hi Jim. So along with the four of us, there are six or seven other people in the forum as well. But that would have gotten a little crowded for this zoom cast. So I just wanted to have the four of us get together and talk a bit about forum. So that's what we're going to do. So I have a couple of questions I'll ask and then we'll kind of free flow and see where this goes and you guys can kind of popcorn and just see what happens, what comes up for you. So first of all, what have you liked most about being in a forum? When you think about your time spent in forum, what is it that you've liked most about being in that community meeting monthly, having authentic relationship with each other?

I'll go, I Like mostly the continuity piece of it and the depth of relating that you get in a conscious way with people that you have deep relating with on a regular basis. And then you kind of go back to your regular life and, you know, you always touch deeply into issues. And we all speak the form, speak of the 15 conscious commitments of leadership. And it's just a great way to bounce back and forth to normal life, quote, unquote, and then back into your consciousness to see how you can integrate it more fully. For me, that's been a huge gift.

That's cool. Yeah. We say that it really is a laboratory to practice. I like that word, laboratory, because you get to try stuff out. And I like what you're saying, Susan. It's a laboratory a little bit removed from your quote, unquote, real life. You know, we come together once a month now. Many, like in this forum, are really good friends outside a forum, but we come together in this laboratory forum and we play, we try stuff out. And then you get to see if it works. And then if you want to, you can take it back out into your real life. That's great. How about your other two? What do you like best about it?

Sorry. Go ahead, Donna. Ladies first.

You know, I'm a busy mom, and I have a full life like most of us do. And for me, this is something I look forward to every month. It's a sacred space, and it's something I thought I didn't need for a while. And once I've done it, I could never go back. It's this place that I look forward to that feels so safe. And my life is going, going, and I feel like it stops and slows down and it's so nourishing for my soul. And we just do so much learning there. I never know what I'm going to expect. And I always walk away feeling really full and more awake, more alive. And they've become not only my friends, it's like family now. So I just still look forward to it.

Yes. Sort of picking up on that. I was thinking about both Susan and Donna's answer. You know, in life when you go to a cocktail reception or something, you get very superficial conversation. And the first time I went to forum, I thought, four hours, boy, what are we going to talk about for four hours? But for my personality type in particular, I need time to really sink into things and be forced to stay with something. And you build a relationship, it's like family because you share the good and the bad and the ugly that's going on and when you break down the barriers to that vulnerability and you get real. Susan said, real life, I think form is real life and the other is.

Pretend, like in many ways.

And I love how it draws me to go deep into issues that I may not want to with people that I really trust and love.

That's great. Yeah. You know, we say that there are different kinds of groups. Like one kind of group is what we refer to as a safety group. You know, like 12 step programs are this. They're safe places where there's no crosstalk and there are real strong rules around confidentiality. They're great. They're fabulous. We're big believers in safety groups. And then there are insight groups. These are like therapy groups where you come and somebody's an expert and they're going to help you get insight into yourself. And a forum is the third kind of group, what we call a transformation group. And what we mean by that is we're really. I mean, it's safe in that we learn how to make ourselves safe. We give each other insight and feedback. Like out the wazoo. It is a feedback rich environment, but it's really all about transformation and changing. It's about waking up. It's about becoming more and more self aware and becoming practiced at learning, living this way and relating this way. So one of the questions I think would be fun would be having been informed. As long as you've been informed, how have you changed? You know, just pick one or maybe two ways that you think you've changed as a result. Been transformed as a result of being informed.

Go ahead, Kim.

I think, yeah, maybe I'll start this time. I think the way that I relate to feedback. Feedback used to land on me as meaning something and being. Yeah. So there could be a stinging part to it. But as the forms develop and people get comfortable with one another, you learn that feedback is just other people's kind of reaction to what you're doing. And it's really nothing about me. And at the same time, there might be some pearls in that feedback that I was unaware of or that I could think about. And so I think the way that I relate to feedback has changed pretty dramatically as a result of forms.

That's cool. So it sounds like you've become less reactive to feedback. There's less of a personalization of it. You get that when somebody's giving you feedback, we say all the time they're really telling you more about themselves than they are about you. And they're risking making themselves known and then having Watched you for years, Kim. I know that you also listen to the feedback and then get curious about it. You try it on, you say, is that true? How could I learn? How could I grow from that? But you do it from a much less triggered or reactive place. Is that right?

Right. And when you get two or more people giving you the same feedback, you get very curious because odds are you're wearing it.

Dude, that's great.

Yeah, I would say the same as Kim has referenced. And also for me, it's going from like being a student and reading things in a book to practically applying them in real time, relating with trusted others. And like you said, Jim, there's some safety in it. It's a transforming experience as well as far as the group structure goes. And for me, the learnings just are the online in my system much faster. It's not like studying something and then trying it on in my own head. It is real time feedback in languages that I understand and even like Kimbal said, particularly about feedback from others and interactions. How is that true? If I really want to go deeply and get the master information for it, I just look for where it's true. And that's a huge shift for me where I would get defensive or reactive about any type of, you know, criticism or however you want to say it. And now I just really, you know, I like to say it's not all the time, but just look for how is that true for me that what that other person is saying and that has shifted a lot of relationships in my life.

That's so cool. Yeah. One of the things we say all the time is when you're kind of a novice at receiving feedback and somebody gives you feedback, you ask the question, is it true? Especially if you're defensive, you'll find all the reasons why it isn't true. And then like you said, Susan, as you keep playing the game, instead of quite frankly wasting your time with the question is it true? You go straight to how is that true about me? Sometimes you can find it, sometimes you can't. But at least you're in that place of ownership and responsibility and curiosity. That's cool.

I would say, you know, the whole laboratory aspect of it. For me personally, a couple things I can think of is it's given me more bravery and courage to be authentic and say what's on my mind. I think I've had a lot of practice in the group of blurting or just saying what's true for me and learning how to give that kind of feedback and just have More candor in the group, and you realize that that was okay and actually feel more myself. So trying that on with my friends outside of the group, that's been a big change for me. So that's awesome. And I'm also in a forum with my husband separately. And I would say, you know, that's been transformational as far as how we handle conflict and the things that we used to get so stuck on. I would have to say we move so much more quickly through that. And I've personally been able to go from less of a place of blame and criticism and trying to find the learning in it. So that's been really cool. I mean, we're not perfect. We get very feisty, but this has been just like a really cool, supportive atmosphere for us to practice that with a loving group. And it's really cool how that's transformed that relationship, too.

One of the things I love about Forum is it's a place that we say, you can get messy. You know, I mean, you can get messy. You can be angry, pissed off, rageful. You can be, you know, brokenhearted. You can be scared. You can feel your sexual feelings. Whatever's up, you know, is welcome in the group. And I feel a fondness just being with the three of you, because over the years together, we've all gotten messy together. I think that's part of the transformation is our willingness to get messy and hold space for each other while we can't, you know, figure it out. While we don't know, while we're uncertain and fucked up. You know, we can just. We can just play and have fun. So I appreciate that about all you guys. Anything you want to say about getting messy?

Just that it's such a refreshing thing to be encouraged to get messy and go to the darker side of emotional experience, like get angry and get messy. That's. That's not, in my experience, messaging that I've had in a consistent basis in my life. And it's really opened me up personally to, like, a more fuller experience of myself. And not to say that, you know, the nice things aren't still nice, but it just is a deeper, richer experience of the entire panoply of me. So that, for me, has been a huge shift.

Go ahead.

Sorry, Don, there's a delay. You go first this time.

No, it's just I think I had been conditioned that certain feelings were okay, and those are the ones that you show the world. And so, like, I second with Susan saying, you know, just an encouragement to really express anger and to get Ugly in there, what I thought. And then I'm really learning. That's just a beautiful part of me. It's just the spectrum of all of my emotions. So doing things like triangle work and all of that has been a real big way to dive into that.

I was just going to add quickly, Jim, that I think, you know, before forum I would have thought getting messy would make me less appealing to other people I wanted to be in relationship with. And the reality is I relate more to the people that get messy and they relate more to me when I get messy. Because we're all messy, some of us express it to others and some just like are messy in their heads. And the freedom to be messy in a group of trusted people that are going to love you even more because you got messy. It's really cool.

Well, Kim, I had that experience with you just this last month. You know, I put some stuff. When you're in forum, you also have an ongoing private group. We do it on Facebook. We're moving it over to Slack where we are always posting and giving each other feedback. And I posted something and Kim gave me some really powerful, straight, candid himself. And as a result of it I felt more connected, more open hearted. And then we processed it in groups. So it really makes a difference to be authentic and candid and open with each other. Well, one thing I want to say.

I'm just saying it's like it's scary in the beginning because of our old ways of being. And the more you do it, the more reward you get from it and the more you learn that it's not only it's cool, but it's like it's the only way to really grow in relationship.

You know, in life most people have a ton of withholds, a ton of unsaids. And forum's a place where we really create an environment where you can blurt, you can let go of your withholds, you can speak your judgments and your wants and your, you can bring it all there. It's really cool. You know, conscious leadership group is really about supporting people to become conscious leaders. So we define leadership as having influence and taking radical responsibility for your influence. And I know you three are having influence all over the place. From organizations to homes to volunteer spaces to spiritual communities. You three are people of influence. So I'd just be curious how's being in a forum impacted you as a leader, changed you, made you a more conscious or more impactful leader? Does anything come up for you around that?

I think the responsibility portion about It I think my typical way of leading in the past had been taking on way more of my response. More responsibility within the relationship, more than the hundred percent based on many things, my birth order and just the way that I am. And you know, I've really grown to learn that I should give enough but not more than that than asked for. And I think that's really helpful in my relationships because people give them an opportunity to learn and also helps to delegate and also for me, frees me up quite a bit. So that's one thing I'm working on a lot in my relationships and with my children too.

Great.

Yeah.

I think for me that the biggest piece has been letting people have their experience and sort of like Donna, Donna and I are the similar personality types. I also would take more than my fair share of responsibility and kind of rescue people beyond what was maybe healthy for our co creative relationship. So I've seen myself step back and let things unfold more naturally. And as a result I feel like the relationships and my direct connection to either organizations or my family members or projects that I'm creating have been more clear and less laden with all sorts of other emotional baggage. Everything feels a little lighter and cleaner, a little more nimble in my life than it has in the past. So that's been a great shift for me.

Cool.

Yeah. I don't have a ton more to add to that, Jim, so I'll let us move on.

Okay, great. So the last thing I wanted to cover with you guys was, you know, if people were thinking about getting in a forum. And by the way, gang, we have forums in New York, Washington, Chicago, the Bay area. There's a group that wants to get a forum going up in Toronto. Actually been some interest in London. So if you're watching this and you go, boy, I'd be interested in that, first go to the website and we've got a whole thing about forums and how they work and what's involved and then just let us know, you know, we have great forum leaders who are willing to travel to moderate forums. That's one of the things that about all of our forums. They're all led by a CLG trained facilitator. And I think that's one of the things that makes them really fun and wonderful. But if people are considering getting a forum, you know, one of the questions I had was what should they be aware of? Like imagine that there's a warning label, you know, you know, because they're wonderful and people ought to pay attention and be aware of would There be any warning you would put on the label or what should they be aware of when they jump in?

How about objects are closer than they appear.

Humans are closer.

Like, there's so much about the interaction space either on Facebook or virtually or. And you're learning partnerships that you have outside of the monthly meetings. The ability to get close to people in an intimate connection is just beyond. So it's like a ramped up version of relating. So be aware for that. Get ready.

Yeah, you know, that's a great point. Some people are still approaching consciousness conceptually or conscious leadership as an idea. You know, a book to read, a video to watch or something like that in forum. It is not an idea. We're here to practice. So that's a warning. Objects are closer than they appear.

I was going to say fasten your cheekbone, because if you really want to get in the roller coaster of looking at life and your relationship and consciousness, this is the single best way to do it. And yeah, it's. It's totally exhilarating and it's scary. It's like everything is there. And if you're serious about, like, going to the next level, I don't see how you do it without doing it for them.

Yeah, I would say anything goes and not for the faint of heart, and you're gonna go another layer deeper. And I would say there's a lot of facing if you're ready for that and, you know, be prepared to let go of some things you might be attached to. And it's scary and so worth it, like a good scary.

I would also like to point out that, you know, yes, you do face things that are called to do things, but it's always within a safe, you know, experience. And if it feels too personal, you're processing too much, the whole group stops and you're sitting. You know, you lead that. You lead yourself through the process of processing your emotional, you know, energy, which is an amazing experience.

I agree with you on that. It is friendly. I think there's a loving pressure. It doesn't feel. You feel so supported. So I agree with you.

Well, this is big fun for me. I just noticed. I'm beaming on the outside. And I love being in relationship with you three. I do. The forum that we've been in meets on Monday morning, so it comes right out of the chute Monday morning from 8 to noon in Chicago. The forums in Chicago happen to meet in Debbie and my home. And it's just fabulous to welcome you three and the rest of the gang into the home and it's just a fabulous way to get the week going. So our journey together has been totally exquisite to me. We're co voyagers in the big game of life. So gang out there, if you're watching this and you want to know more, just reach out to us. We'd love to tell you more about forum and create the possibility of you being in one. So thank you, Susan. Thank you, Kimbo. Thank you, Donna. Big hearted love to all of you and blessings to everyone, everybody. Bye bye, everybody.