Stop Withholding & Start Revealing

Hi, Jim Dethmer here with the Conscious Leadership Group. And what I'd like to do in this video is have a coaching session with you. I'd like to imagine that you and I were sitting down to have a conversation. And today we're going to explore commitment number four, the commitment on candor. So one of the first things I do is I'd ask you to bring into your mind an issue in your life. It could be a problem or a concern, someplace where you're stuck, preferably a situation that involves at least one other person. So the first thing I do is I'd ask you to bring this situation, this person, into your mind. It could be a professional relationship, a co worker, it could be a personal relationship, somebody at home. But go ahead and let the relationship come up into your mind, almost like playing a video camera and see the person. And as you do that, you can hear the person. And as you start to play the video, you might notice that feelings arise or thoughts, memories. And then as you tune into it, the question I would ask you to explore this commitment is do you have any withholds from this person? Now, withhold is just simply anything that you've thought or felt, any opinion you have or judgment about the person or the circumstance, any wants or desires that you've had that you haven't fully expressed. It's just anything that has arisen in you that you haven't revealed to the other person. Now, if you're like most people, especially in a relationship where there's some tension or struggle, you've got some withholds. A simple shorthand for withhold is any thought or feeling, judgment, opinion, want or desire that you've had three or more times. So we're not talking here about just random things that occur, but things that occur for you multiple times in the relationship, and then you don't share them. You don't make yourself known to the other person. Now, if I were to ask you about this, if you're like most people, you would have some withholds. And then if I listened, you'd tell me why you haven't shared the withholds. It might be that you've tried before and it hasn't worked, or talking to this person at that level doesn't feel safe. If you got really honest with yourself, you might say you'd be afraid of being rejected or hurt or even of losing control. If you share your withholds, if you kind of reveal everything, you lose the power to control or even manipulate the situation because you've kind of put all your cards out on the table. All of that makes sense, by the way. I wouldn't have any reaction to that other than to tell you that I understand. But then the next thing I'd ask you to look at is where you have those withholds in that relationship. Have you withdrawn from the relationship? Have you pulled back just a little bit disengaged, so now you're not really fully showing up. You just have taken a step of self protection, a way that you've just slightly moved away in the relationship. And if you're like most people, you'd be able to see that maybe even significantly, depending on the size of the withhold, you might have stepped quite a ways back in the relationship just to protect yourself or in order to maintain control or security or even approval. Now, the subtle part comes when I would invite you to see your projection again. If you read Commitment 4, the chapter in the book we talk about this model called withhold withdraw project. What it means is that I start by withholding my thoughts, opinions, judgments, feelings, wants or desires. Then I withdraw just a little bit. So let's say for a moment that you have a judgment about your boss, that they don't really appreciate you, they don't really value your contribution. And you've never shared that. That's what makes it a withhold. You've never gone to your boss and said, hey, I want to have a candid and transparent relationship with you. And I just wanted to tell you that my experiences or the story that I make up is that you don't fully value me and my contribution. I want to have that conversation with you and check it out. Instead of doing that, you have this story about them not appreciating you. You don't go and reveal it, and then you withdraw just a little bit. So you're a little more guarded. You protect yourself a little bit. You have this opinion about your boss, that they don't value you, so you've withheld and withdrawn. Now you start projecting. Projection means a lot of things, but in this case what it means is you start seeing your boss through the lens of your story. So your story is that they don't appreciate you. Now you start looking at your boss through that lens, they don't appreciate me. And what happens reliably is that when we make up a story, withhold the story, we start to project that onto the person about whom we have the story. And then an amazing thing happens. We find confirming data. So if my story is that my boss doesn't appreciate me. And then I withhold, withdraw, and start projecting that belief onto them. Then I'm going to find evidence to prove that he or she doesn't appreciate me. Actually, what happens is the way our minds work is they kind of cut out all disconfirming evidence that would say our boss appreciates us. And all we see is the evidence that proves our story, that justifies our withhold, that they don't appreciate us. And of course, what that leads to is even more withholds because now we have more to withhold and that leads to more withdrawing and more projection. And we call that the death spiral of relationship. Because as I start to withhold, withdraw and project, the relationship begins to deteriorate, at least on my side. Well, the antidote to that, the whole point of candor, is that instead of withholding, I go and I reveal. And we teach you how to do that in a very simple and direct, non blaming, non judgmental way. So if I were coaching you, I'd say, would you be willing to commit to candor? Willingness is always the first key. And you might say no, and that'd be perfectly okay. But if you said yes, then I'd say, would you be willing to go to your boss and just reveal your story, your opinion, your experience? Might be a simple conversation like, hey, over the last couple of months, I put some extra effort in and I've done some things that I really felt good about and I haven't experienced you giving me much appreciation for that. So the story I'm making up over here is that you don't fully appreciate the contribution I'm making or how I did that piece of work. And I just wanted to come and check that out with you. Rather than with holding, I wanted to reveal myself and rather than withdrawing, I wanted to come here and connect with you. I want a great working relationship. I want a relationship where we engage. So I'm coming here to connect. Now here's where it really gets fun. Because on one side in the death spiral of relationship, we withhold, withdraw, project. On the candor side of relationship, we reveal, we connect and we own. Now, owning is eating your projection. What that means is this. If you look at your boss and you say, my boss doesn't appreciate me fully, you would check and see. Maybe that's true about me. Maybe I don't fully appreciate me, or maybe I don't fully appreciate my boss. And your very withhold, your very story about your boss becomes a learning edge for you. If you're willing to be curious and creative. So if we were in a coaching session and you were willing, we'd make a time for you to go talk to your boss, to connect with your boss around your story. And then I'd want to explore with you all the ways you don't fully appreciate yourself and maybe all the ways you don't fully appreciate your boss. And in those explorations, you would become a high speed, transformational learner. So check it out. If we were coaching together, would you be willing to identify one relationship that matters to you, an important relationship where you have a withhold. Then would you see that that led to withdrawing and that led to projection and that forces you to see the person through your story and your belief and that's causing the relationship to disintegrate. And then you'd see, am I willing to be candid? Am I willing to go reveal my story not from a place of being right, that won't work, but from a place of just making yourself known to the person? And then am I willing to connect with the person, really understand them and listen to them and create a relationship of connection? And then finally, am I willing to take my very complaint about them and see how it might be true about me? Me with myself and me with them. Me with the world. In our experience, this practice of candor is totally transformational to the relationship and to you. So give it a try. See, see what you discover. This is the kind of thing we'd explore with you in a coaching session. Take care.