Turning Your Resentment Into Appreciation Session 1

Great, Great.

Okay. Recording in progress. All right, man. So let's just take a breath or two just to let our energy settle in. Just let us both arrive here in this moment. Yeah. Great. All right, Steve. So we're here to explore. What we're actually going to Explore is commitment. 7 out of 15 commitments, and that is the shift move of moving from resentment to appreciation and entitlement, which is always underneath resentment. Let go of that and shift into appreciation. Yeah. But before we do any shifting, the first thing we want to do is just really let ourselves own the resenter inside of us. So many of us are unwilling to resent as much as we do. It's a big word, you know, it's kind of like hate or despise. There's something incredibly powerful about owning the part of you. It's just a part of you that resents. Okay, so you showed up. You're willing to play a little bit. Practice. So let's begin with if you'd be willing. Who is it that you want to do your work with today? The work is inside of you. But who's the person or persons that you want to explore your resentment with? Who is it?

My father.

Your father?

Yeah. I didn't even have to hesitate.

Yeah. I'm appreciating you. Because so many people. That's part of their big work to fully feel the resentment towards the father. Great. And as you know, what we want to do is there. There could be many things that you resent him for that would be normal. So we're just going to pick one.

And there are.

And. Great. Yeah, Great. So you pick whichever one you want. It could be the most juicy or the not so juicy. You just get to. But what is it that in this moment you resent him for?

There are two that are coming to mind.

Great.

And I'm trying to reconcile. I think one, they're both strong. I think one I'm more scared to talk about, and the other is. I could talk about it all day long.

Yeah, I got it. Okay. So you have those both in your hands right now. The one was in your left hand, the one you're more scared about, and the other was in your right that you could talk about all day. You get to pick. So just actually put your hands back up like you did. Yeah. And just feel them. One is stronger. Little scared to go there. And one you could explore, talk about all day long. Now just feel you could. Plenty of time to do them both whenever you want. But in this moment, which one is calling you to let go of.

Yeah, I got it.

Okay, great.

I got it.

So what is it you resent your father for? He.

Yeah, I resent my father for not paying child support but also having a shopping addiction. Okay, so they're almost related.

They are, aren't they? Good for this practice, though, I want to separate them out. Because what we learn in this practice is the more specific and more confined, the more impactful the practice will be. So tune in. Do you want to feel fully feel your resentment for him not paying child support, or do you want to feel your resentment for him having a shopping addiction? Which one feels like the real thing you resent him for?

Definitely the child support.

Yeah, there you go. Yeah, I got it. And maybe the shopping addiction, too. But let's go with the child support.

Yeah, let's do it.

So let's differentiate here, because there's lots of content. In other words, I could ask you, you know, how much was he supposed to pay? How long was he supposed to pay it? How much did he pay? All that. But that is actually not what this practice is about. This practice is somatic. It's in your body. So what I want you to do is I want you to begin by. It helps you to close your eyes. I want you to picture your father. See him over there. Yeah. And see you at whatever age you're at when he was not paying his child support. Yeah. And go ahead and let the resentment show up. Let it show up. Just kind of invite it in. You're inviting the resenter part of you to be here. Yeah. Great. It's welcome here, your resentment. And just check. Where do you feel the resentment in your body? Where do you feel it to?

Rising energy.

Yeah. Good.

At first there was sadness when we started, when I started to picture him. And then, like, warmth in my hands, tingling energy up my spine. Like, definitely beautiful. Energized. Anger.

Yeah, it is that anger. Yeah. That resentment. It's got energy in it. Yes. Beautiful. Beautiful. So now all we're gonna do is we're just gonna match that energy with words. And the key to this practice is the words are very simple. You're going to picture him. You do it with eyes open, eyes closed. You could see him sitting over here. You could imagine that I'm him or picture him in your room. I resent you for not paying child support. That is all you are going to say. The words are not as important. They are just a vehicle to match the energy. Now, again, matching is the key. If it's big, it's big. If it's not big, that's okay. It can be small. I just want you to feel the energy, and then I want you to say the words, I resent you for not paying child support. And we're just going to do it four or five times and just see what comes up. Again, you're feeling the body and you're matching it with that phrase. So whenever you're ready, begin.

I resent you for not paying child support. I resent you for not paying child support. I resent you for not paying child support. I resent you for not paying child support.

Beautiful.

I resent you for not paying child support.

Yeah. Now, Steve, check in with the body. Just tell me what's happening. You track the resentment before. Just feel what's happening with it. Is it changing shape, size, intensity? Just tell me.

Feeling more. More grounded. More grounded in my feet. Like, almost like a dropping sensation in my chest. Almost as I reached that crescendo. Crescendo. There was like a sense of the sadness that was starting to come over.

Of course. Yeah.

So I was feeling like the feeling itself was transforming from anger to sadness.

Yeah. Great. Noticing so often resentment is a jacket, or it's actually like a shell that's covering over a broken heart, a wounded heart.

I feel that. Yeah.

In there, there's. There's a boy who didn't get supported by his dad, and you feel that I can. And we're unwilling to feel all that brokenheartedness, so we covered over with the fire. I resent you. So just picture him again. Picture him again. And you don't make this up. You feel it in your body. Just see him. Now, is there still resentment? Check your body. Is there still resentment? Just try it. I resent you for not paying child support. See if there's a little bit there, and if there is, just match it. And if not, great.

I resent you for not paying child support.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Imagine that he's here. He's listening to you. See if you have completed your resentment or if you want to say it one more time. He's listening. He sees you.

I really want you to know that I resent you for not paying child support. You fucking hear me?

Yes. There you go. Yeah, I feel that one over here again. Go back to your body. Does it feel like you've matched the resentment with expression? I do. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Now, I just want to catch. You know, we say this resentment comes from a belief that we're entitled to something. Can you feel the part of you that believes you were entitled to have him pay child support. Yeah, this is a good one because I imagine some court of law at some point said that you were entitled.

My mother.

Yeah, there you go. Great, great. Yeah. So your mother made it very, very clear. So you took in that entitlement. I'm entitled to this. Can you feel your entitlement? And you're not doing what I'm entitled to? All resentment is tied to entitlement.

Yeah, it's about the clothes, too. Like, I was entitled to that money that you spent on clothes.

Oh, that's good. Yeah, yeah. If we took more time, I would have you do I resent you for spending money on clothes? My money. I resent you for spending my money on clothes.

Right.

Hey, you can feel that one, can't you? Yeah, actually say that one. I resent you for spending my money on clothes. Go ahead and let that one come up.

I resent you for spending my money. Our money on clothes.

Yeah, there you go. Yeah, yeah. Oh, God. I get it. Yeah. I was entitled to have that money. Feel that. I want you to feel how the entitlement.

There's like a. Like a righteousness.

Yes, there it is. There it is. Can you feel it? I want you to taste the righteousness. That righteousness is delicious. I'm right. You're wrong. I resent you. It feels good, doesn't it? In this feels good. We're not trying to skip over any of that. We're not trying to bypass the righteous, entitled resentment. We're calling it all up. You've had this in your body for a long time. Ah, yeah. Beautiful, man.

Feels good.

Now, what's here in your body now? Just check in.

Some fluttering in my chest.

Yeah, Nice, nice.

Little nervous, nervous butterflies in my tummy.

Yeah, good.

Yeah.

Fluttering in the chest. Butterflies in the tummy. That heat, that uprising thing that we called resentment, does that feel like it's kind of been released out of the body?

Yeah, I feel. I feel calm. Like I'm not. Like. It's not like the nervousness isn't like. Like choke. It's just there's. There's a. There's almost like a settling feeling. Yeah.

Yeah. Beautiful. This is what we so want people to get. If you're willing to welcome your resenter and feel your resentment, it's not weeks, days, hours, it's minutes. Just let it come up. Ok. Now, what I often say is before we go to the next step, we could. We're not going to do this, but I just want to identify. We could pause here and do the work, you know, the work. Byron, Katie, the work.

Yeah, yeah, of course, yeah.

My dad should have paid child support. Or this would be a great one. My dad shouldn't have bought clothes, right? That'd be a good one, wouldn't it? Because there's juice there. And then we would do the work. My dad shouldn't have bought clothes. Is it true? You'd feel it. Can you know for certain it's true. When you believe that thought, how do you react? And what we'd be doing is we'd be starting to deconstruct the righteous entitled belief. We'd let it soften. You've released it from your body. Now we deconstruct it in the mind. So everybody knows about that, we've talked about that other places. I'm going to see if we can go a little bit. We're going to just go directly to appreciation. So here's the question I have for you and really tune in. In this moment, would you be willing to let go? Just in this moment, would you be willing to let go of your entitlement, of your belief, just in this moment that he should have paid child support? Really feel it. In this moment, would you be willing to let go? Just drop the belief.

I felt an opening there.

Okay, great. So you know what I'm going to say? Is that a yes. No's a perfectly good answer. Are you willing to just let go of your entitlement in this moment? Shitting.

Yes, I am.

Okay. Okay, good. Good. I believe you. And are you willing to appreciate your dad for doing just what he did? Are you willing to appreciate him for not paying child support, for buying clothes? So see him in your mind's eye there. He's over there buying clothes. He's not giving your mom and you the child support. See if you're willing to choose to appreciate him, remember, to appreciate means to be sensitively aware. Or another word is to see with fresh eyes. So you've seen him through the eyes of an entitled one. See if you'd be willing to see him. He's over there buying clothes. He's not giving you the money. Are you willing to see him with fresh eyes? I am, yeah. The other thing appreciation means, it means to let someone or something grow in value. You know, when you see him as though through the eyes of your righteous entitled one, he diminishes in value. He's a bad guy, he's less than. The question is, would you be willing, it's a choice to see him with fresh eyes and to actually you don't have to try to do this. Just see him with fresh eyes and let him grow in value as opposed to depreciate. That's exactly right. It's appreciate. Not as long as we stay attached to our entitlement and our resentment. People and things depreciate. So it's a real question. Tune back in. Are you willing to see him with fresh eyes? He's over there buying clothes. He's not paying your child support. Are you willing to let him grow in value being just as he is?

That's a yes.

Beautiful. So now what you're going to do, we're just going to change the phrase. It was I resent you for not paying child support. Now I want. This is from the body again. So I want you to feel. See if it's in your heart and you'll just prime the pump. See him. Close your eyes. See him. He's over there. I appreciate you for not paying child support. Say the words. And you're using the words to test and see if your body agrees. So see them in your mind's eye and say the words. I appreciate you for not paying child support. And see if the words are congruent. You'll feel it in your body. Go ahead, say the words out loud. I appreciate you for not being child.

Dad. I appreciate you for not paying child support.

Okay, now feel into your body. Does that match your internal experience? Right now we're not trying to do some sort of positive mental attitude. We're trying to see if it matches. Have we released the resentment so that our natural state of appreciation can come forward? Say it again and see if it matches your internal experience.

Dad, I appreciate you for not paying child support.

What do you notice in your body?

What I'm noticing right now in my body is strangely enough, it's joy. And I had the thought in it and the joy and I don't. I know that we don't want to get too deep into content, but it was almost like I got the life that I had and like with my sibling, I'm exactly who I am because of it.

There you go. There you go.

Like I'm so many of my great qualities are probably result from the fact that he didn't pay child support.

And you feel that right now? It feels. You said joy like what does it feel like?

It's like a radiating in my heart. That's why I smiled before you asked me to repeat that appreciation because I was like, oh, I didn't even Realize I could have that perspective?

Yes. So do it again. Just feel in. Dad, I appreciate you for not paying child support. And again, you're just letting the body have its experience.

Dad, I appreciate you for not paying child support.

Yeah, that's beautiful. There's a shift now. When you said it before, your mouth was a little more pursed and tight. This time there was a little more genuine smile. Can you feel, Steve, that your head is tilted a little bit to the side?

No.

Okay, do this. Tilt your head real to the side. Good. Now tilt it real to the other side. Oh, yeah, yeah. Back the other way. Now find center with your head. Go back and forth till it feels like you found center. Good. Now that's center. Now don't worry about your head. Just say it again. Dad, I appreciate you. And let's just see what happens. See him over there?

Dad, I appreciate you.

Yeah, let's see if we can go a few yards farther. Dad, I appreciate you for buying clothes with the money. That was for child support. See what happens. See him over there? He's buying clothes again. Just see what happens in the body.

Ted, I appreciate you for using our child support to buy clothes and to see.

Does that feel congruent with your body? What's happening in the body?

I feel some opening in my chest.

It's like.

That's the sensation. It's just this, like, opening and even some joy and. Yeah, yeah, just. It's like. It's just this, like, radiating sensation in my chest.

Yeah, yeah.

Like wanting to smile. Like, also, like wanting to smile.

Beautiful. Beautiful. So the body is matching the words. The words are matching. So now I want you to actually imagine your dad. Is your dad still living? Is he still on the planet?

He is. He is.

Okay, good. Picture him. And now I want to see if you'd be willing to send telepathically, energetically, that appreciation to him wherever he is on the planet, doing whatever he's doing. Would you be willing to say to him, dad, I appreciate you for not paying child support? So the intention now here is to use your heart and kind of beam that toward him. Go ahead and do it a couple of times. Just see if you'd be willing to send him your genuine appreciation. And what's it like as you do that?

Feel calm serenity.

Yeah.

Feel my feet on the ground.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's beautiful.

And I do appreciate him.

You do? Yeah. So I don't know what the state of your relationship is like with him in this day, but depending on where that relationship is at. At some point, you could actually say it to him. You could send him a note, you could send him an email, a text, or you could actually call him and do a FaceTime and say, dad, you know, I don't know whether you know this. Maybe he does. For many years, I resented you for not paying child support. I want you to know I've let go of my resentment. I've really set it free. I appreciate you for not pain to see if that's available to you. You don't know. You see? Beautiful. And does it feel like the resentment is gone?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think there's still more work for me to do. Like, because now that I saw that opening in terms of the reframe, like, oh, I'm exactly who I am because of that in a loving way. And I think there's just maybe a few morning pages sessions dedicated to that because I think it will open up a whole bunch of other appreciations.

It will. And the other homework I'd give you is over the next week or so periodically, just check, bring your dad to mind. See him buying clothes with your child support money. And you're not trying to block it out. Just see if resentment comes up, you're going to pressure test it. Once the work is really done, you're really free. But that doesn't always happen in one shift. Sometimes you need to come back. This is beautiful.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Yeah, yeah. All right, man. Great being with you.

Thank you.

Bye.