Answering Your Relationship Questions - Dennis AMA

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Today's episode of Timeless Wisdom.

I love your show and I really respect your opinion, so I wanted to ask you— maybe I just haven't heard you talk about this much, but I'm, I'm needing to know more information about how you can let your husband know that you understand his male sexual nature without giving him permission to act on it.

That's coming up on Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager.

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Welcome to Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Hear thousands of hours of Dennis's lectures, courses, and classic radio programs. And to purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles, go to dennisprager.com.

Let Dennis be Dennis. I agree with that. That's the way it's worked for me in life. My parents let me be me at 14, and I— at 14 I became a happy man and haven't changed. And my employers let me be me. My wife lets me be me. And it's worked out well. Hi everybody, this is the Ari Sethi Agenda. Whatever's on your mind about you, about me, about life, about death. And of course, take the music in and I'll tell you what else. Okay, whatever it might be, including needless to say fountain pens, audio equipment, photography, classical music, and cigars. One of the rare times I need to hold 5. Thank you, thank you very much, thank you! Gary in New York City, Dennis Prager, thank you for calling.

How are you, sir?

Okay, thank you.

Thank you for taking the call. Um, I'll be brief, I guess, if I can, and it's going to be a complete opposite call from the Arizona call. I've been married about 7 years. I have a young son with my wife, and we have not been intimate for 3 years. This April will be 3 years. I remember the day.

And how old are you?

I'm 37.

Right, and how old is your wife?

Uh, 34.

Okay. When, uh, how long have you been married?

10 years?

7 years.

7 years. Until 3 years ago, was that part of your relationship okay?

Great question. Uh, yes and no. Uh, there were some financial hardships which she attributed to, but prior to that, there was also— there was a, a lack of real intimacy. I, I, um, I feel on her side, um she'll attribute it to one day this, one day that, one day this. And it's gotten to a point now where I love her unconditionally. Well, I should stop throwing out terms, but I love her. And it's gotten to the point where she told me, well, listen, it's not going to happen. I think we've lost attraction to each other. But at the same time, she's adamant you're not going to get a divorce. If you want, you can go out and get what you need, um, intimacy-wise, and, and, you know, you just have to tell me about it. So I, I heard that, I'm like, oh, that's great. But, you know, when it comes to reality, that doesn't, that doesn't work. And it's gotten to the point where I crave intimacy so much that, I mean, the good-looking girl behind the counter giving me my change back, you know, her fingers touch my palm, like, oh Ah, female touch. That's how bad it is. And I'm just, I wouldn't say lost, I just don't know what I should do. She's adamant she doesn't want to break up the family, or, you go ahead, break up the family, see what that's gonna do to our child. And I'm—

Well, actually, she would be the one breaking it up because part of male-female marriage is sexual intimacy. It's— there is no religious tradition, there is no secular idea that would hold otherwise.

I just— a couple of disclaimers is not to really throw her under the bus per se, but she's, um, I think it runs in her family, the lack of interest in intimacy, for whatever reason. I have brother-in-laws, etc. So, and I've discussed not everything with them, but just certain things. And, um, you know, she told me to tell her about it so that she understands what's going on. So I have to tell her, and I'm not allowed to get, uh, close, uh, emotion-wise with, with the person, another, another person.

And does she, does she have any, uh, does she appreciate the notion that each, uh each spouse has certain obligations to the other?

It's so funny, some days she's extremely cogent that way and she believes that, but then, you know, a couple of days later it's— I mean, there is, um, we are religious people and that has— that also plays a role in, in Well, I don't understand if it— that's—

I didn't know whether you were or not.

That's—

but I did, thinking you might be, I said there was no religious tradition that would defend her decision.

Correct, correct. Um, it's— you mentioned before we went on break and you said that there are so many— there are a lot of men that are going through this, and I, I— it's, it's, it's very— it's a very painful thing to go through because I feel it's natural and this is how a relationship should be. And at the same time, I feel like a bad guy because what do you need it for? What do you, you know, this is I guess from her side, what do you need it for? It's not that big of a deal. And, you know, we're—

Well, shit, then she's wrong. It's a very big deal and you do need it. You would give up a house to have relations with her.

It's so funny.

You would live in a tent.

I've said, you know, more, you know, I've said things that are similar to that with more—

Yes, no, she's simply wrong. And I don't know, and she's— look, so it's clear. It has to be dealt with. You can't go on forever like this. If the marriage breaks up because she won't bend on this matter, then she is the one who broke up the marriage, not you. Just as if you decided to spend the rest of your marriage watching television and not earning a living, I think, and then say, look, hey, hey honey, you want to, you want to, you know, have a divorce? You're the one who's breaking up the relationship. No, no, no. The one who sits and watches TV rather than goes to work, is the one who's breaking up the relationship. She is the one who would be doing this. So there is a regular marital therapist, ideally sex therapist. There is a religious person. I cannot imagine a priest, rabbi, or minister taking her side. I take it back. I can imagine anything, but it is hard to believe that that would exist, uh, or simply say, look, if this is what it is, I cannot live this way. And so, uh, we will have to, uh, amicably, to the extent possible, amicably split. I, I hold you responsible because this is an obligation in marriage. It is as much an obligation as anything else. Anything else that there is in marriage. And people need to know that, that marriage is a contract. More than any other thing, it is a contract. I give you XYZ, you give me ABC, or we give each other XYZ, however you wish to put it. It is a contract. It does— it sounds non-romantic. The irony is the contract will create more romance than no contract will.

This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this.

Okay, let's go to Dry Ridge, Kentucky, and Dwayne. This is the famous Dwayne of Dry Ridge.

Hey Dennis, uh, hi. I have a question for you about girls, or specifically wives going on girls— just strictly girl trips. In the last year, calendar year, my wife, she planned and went on, coming up, her 3rd or 4th trip. And we're talking 4 days to a week and flying places, you know, not just really short trips. And without going— we have 2 kids and without going on any family vacation. And I don't know. And then I asked her if we could go on a trip, and she's like, well, we could probably go on a weekend trip because I don't know, we, you know, could figure out enough to do. And I kind of— it's— I don't know where to go with it. I don't know what she's trying to tell me. I mean, our relationship—

I think, I think you need to go I didn't hear her side. I always mention that, but based on what you've told me, I think you need to go to either or both of the following. Either to a marital therapist and/or to a new firm. Dwayne, I'm sorry, this is, is not good for our marriage, or or which may more likely be the case, symbolizes that our marriage is in trouble. That you will take all these trips away from me and away from the family, and that's what gives you your greatest pleasure, is a statement about me. I mean, let's be honest. I'm not talking ego. I'm not— I'm talking reality. Because it does. I mean, if her response is, I don't— you know, I hope we'll find something to do over a weekend, but 4 times a year she's taking weekend to 4-day trips with girlfriends. I gotta say, it seems to me to speak of a troubled relationship. I'm sorry to say that to you.

I think—

I'm sorry, I said thank you.

Yeah, yep, yep, yep. Yeah, it's almost as if, I mean, it's as close as to making an announcement that I think our relationship is troubled. Look, I'm dubious about men doing that, frankly. I think on the rare occasions you have to have a vacation, you'd want to do it with the person who's who should be your best friend, your spouse.

This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this.

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Now back to more of Dennis Prager's timeless wisdom.

Hi everybody, you're listening to The Dennis Prager Show. This is the Male-Female Hour, and despite the events in the Middle East, which I discussed before and will discuss again next hour, we don't— we rarely defer what I call my dedicated hours. There is more to life than current events. They are the events in your own lives, and Male-Female Hour is one of those examples, or one of those hours that deals with that. This is an open line male-female hour. Haven't had one since May, but I have, uh, you'll see there are a number of issues that you folks raise you may want to comment on, including my question. I have an instant admiration for a guy who gets married at, uh, 25, 24.

Am I wrong?

All right, let's go to, uh Auburn, Maine. I think it's the first call I've ever gotten from Auburn, Maine. Bethany, hi.

Hi.

Where is Auburn in your gigantic state?

It's about 45 minutes above Portland.

Is it nice there?

It's pretty nice.

Did you grow up there?

I did.

Well, thank you for calling.

Well, thank you. You've talked about how women should always try to keep up their appearance and be in shape, and maybe even to the extent of getting plastic surgery should their husbands want them to be more attractive or find something unattractive about them.

You want—

they should be always acting as if it's still just a relationship, I guess, dating relationship. Does that go for husbands too? Should they try to maintain their, their physical, um, state and, you know, stuff like that. Can wives ask their husbands to work out more to be more attractive? What are your— what's your opinion on that?

Are you married?

I am.

And your age?

28.

What most attracted you to your husband?

Um, His personality, his interests, um, some— he was in better shape when we were dating, um, so a combination of all those things, but mostly his personality and his, his goals and his values.

Before I answer you directly, I have to go to the, the larger question: how do you account for the large number of beautiful women married to men who are not nearly as physically attractive?

I, I don't know. I guess the, the, their personalities and, and values and everything outweigh that, and women aren't quite as visual as men.

Well, if that's the case, then why isn't that somewhat of an answer to your question? If, if it's not as important, if looks aren't as important to women, and I assert that they are not, as they are to men, then why isn't that a self-answering question? That, that for one sex, how you look is more important. I mean, if a, if a man If a man looks gorgeous but has no particular ambition in life, uh, is happy to basically take care of the house, most women will not be attracted to him. But if a woman is stunning and does not have any particular career ambitions, the vast majority of men will be tremendously attracted to her.

Right.

So I'm not negating the desire that a man stay in shape, but I'm saying that there's no equivalence, right?

Is it, is it okay to, to ask, you know, or want your husband to go back to being in shape, or, or, you know, like, yeah, you know what I mean?

Well, everything is, everything is okay. The question is What is behind it? Is there a fear of getting older? Which, which I told— I'm not saying is wrong. I'm just— I want to understand what's behind it. If you agree with my suppositions, then I would like to know what's behind it. Is it a fear that he's letting himself be different than the man you met? I think there's something beyond, man, I'm dying to feel those biceps.

Maybe it's more like the discipline that was behind going out and running versus not going out and running anymore, or something like that.

Is he, is he equally disciplined in going to work and providing the two of you with an income?

Yes, definitely.

Is he equally funny?

Yeah.

Is he equally attentive to you?

Yes.

Then I would let it go.

Okay.

You're a wonderful woman, you really are. Oh boy. Look, like with, like with our children, so too with our friends and our spouses. Here's a very big rule. You have to know when to drive them crazy. You've got to pick— I wouldn't say your fights, but you have to pick your demands very carefully, and you, you gotta prioritize. And generally, men don't like to be pushed. In, in most areas by their wife. I mean, encouraged, absolutely, etc., etc. And, uh, maybe, uh, he would just desire to do it again watching you do it. I don't, I don't know.

I don't know.

All right, let's go to some more of your calls here. And Tori in Fort Worth, Texas.

Hi, Tori. Dennis Prager.

Hi, Dennis. I am so happy to be able to talk to you.

Thank you.

I, um, before I, I say what I called for, I want to let you know that there have been times when the, the events surrounding us have been dire, and it has been your, your calm and thoughtful voice that has helped me through that day.

Wow, I'm so happy to hear that. Thank you.

Well, I'm calling because my husband and I both got married at a very young age. He was 22 and I was 20. And, um, this is unlike your, your feeling that most men don't want to marry young, and I actually do agree with that, most don't. My husband was unusual. He, um, he always wanted to to be married. And once he settled on me, that was it.

He wanted to get married.

I, on the other hand, was, whoa, now hang on. And my reason wasn't because I felt like we were too young, but because I had come from generations of divorce and was uncertain of my own ability to keep a marriage strong. But he was undaunted. And we have just celebrated our 29th wedding anniversary.

Well, what a beautiful story. And it vindicates— at least your story vindicates my point about men marrying young and why I admire them. Back in a moment.

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So this is the male-female hour. It's open lines on whatever you want. I had thrown out the subject of early marriage and why I admire men who do so, but there are a lot of, a lot of issues that you're raising, and I really like that. Let's go, uh, we'll go back again to Fort Worth and Scott. Hello, Scott, Dennis Prager.

Well, hello, Mr. Prager, sure nice to speak to you.

Thank you, sir.

You know, I'm calling because I wanted to chastise you a little bit for, um, fibbing to your couples that you talk to after you do your seminars. You said earlier that you approach the man, the woman, and say how lucky you are, and I think both you and I know that really luck has very little to do with a successful marriage.

Well, the word successful is the key word here. I say that luck has almost everything to do with a happy long-term marriage. So you and I differ.

Well, I doubt very much—

a successful marriage, you're right. A happy marriage, they're not the same. A happy marriage is overwhelmingly due to the luck that you had in choosing the right person.

Well, but that's hardly luck, Mr. Prager. I doubt that most men put all their girlfriends on a dartboard and throw a dart and pick the one that happens to be the lucky choice.

No, but I doubt that— but the number of people who know at 25, let us say, or even 30, how that person or how they will be 25, 35 years later, it is impossible to know. And they were very fortunate.

Well, they may be forced, but don't you think that the person you are 25 years after you've been married is dependent to a large extent on the person that you're married to and the work and effort that you put into your marriage and respect that you have for your marriage, rather than just how someone happens to turn out after 25 years?

Yes. So what, you're very lucky that the person put a lot of work into themselves?

But it's not luck.

No, it is luck. Look, we I don't, I don't, what can I tell you? Every long-term happy marriage I have known, all right, I'll just, I'll confine it to the narrow parameters of my own life. Every long-term happy marriage I know, the couple will be the first to say how incredibly lucky they are to have found this person at a relatively early age and that it turned out to be so good. That doesn't mean there's no work, there's work. There's work in everything in life. There's work getting up out of bed, but you're still lucky if you have your health.

Well, I think you're lucky to find someone, no question about that. But to me— and I'm with you, I've been married for 25 years, have a terrific marriage— but I, you know, there have been a lot of days and I haven't felt that lucky. There's a lot of days I've just felt plain exhausted.

Um, wait, wait, exhausted, exhausted with regard to your wife, or exhausted about, about your daily routine?

Well, the combination of all of that, as you know.

I mean, well, all right, but you gotta isolate. Uh, I, I, you, you wake up on frequent days thinking, gee, I'm not that lucky to be married to this person?

Well, you know, it's obviously difficult to separate it completely, but I think the work plays a much bigger role than luck. For example, the girl that called earlier was talking about, are men, do they need to have the same responsibility to keep themselves looking good? I would just say absolutely. Absolutely, because you may be lucky to marry someone early who looks good, but it takes work to look good when you're older.

Right, and I would say that any man who is married to a woman who takes care of how she looks her whole life, as my mother did for my father for 73 years, is a lucky man. Okay, well, I don't— I, you know, I'm very happy. That's why I took your call. I love when people challenge what I say, and I'm Dennis Prager is perfectly prepared to have us, uh, maintain a different view on that. To have a long-term marriage takes work. To have a long-term happy marriage is largely luck. You don't know how the person will be, and you're very lucky if they are relatively moodless. Take care of themselves, supportive of you, happy disposition, good parent, you're pretty darn lucky if that's what you found in a spouse, especially if you married at a relatively earlier age. I'm Dennis Prager.

This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this.

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Now back to more of Dennis Prager's timeless wisdom.

All right, Denver, Colorado. Brittany. Hi, Brittany.

Dennis Prager.

Um, I wanted to call in earlier. You had proposed that, um, it's— or talked about how women often call you and say that you've really helped them understand men. And it seems that women actually have a lot more difficult of a time understanding men. Than vice versa. And I wanted to speak to where I think that comes from, at least in the Christian world, in that while I feel like Christians have come a long way in really understanding femininity, there's an idea around right now about masculinity, and particularly about masculine sexuality being this extremely tame meek thing. And I say that because I recently read a blog post on a prominent Christian website where this woman said— she was talking to girls about what kind of relationships they want. And she said, "Girls, you want a man who will kiss you on the forehead instead of the one who wants to make out with you." And my thought is, But that's not— wow, that's not male nature. You should want to make out with each other, even, you know, even if you're trying to live a chaste life.

Um, that is such— that is such an interesting, uh, blog post that you're citing. I hope you respond and say, well, to be honest, I'm a Christian woman, and frankly, I want a guy who does want to make out with me. Yeah, I mean, I'm—

and I, I loved that about my husband when we were, um, when we were dating, is that he was very open about about that. And, and even open— we, we want— we waited to have sex until we were married, but he was open about, I can't wait for that.

Yes, that's right. That's great.

That's—

and may that continue. You're— I mean, you're 25. I, I hope you can call me at 45 and say the same thing.

I do too.

And, you know, and forever. Thank you. It's very important.

This—

there is a certain romanticization. I, I don't think it— I don't know if it has anything to do with the Christian websites or blog posts or, or Christian activism today, I have no idea. But there is a romanticization of male sexual nature that is just preposterous. This is the way men are, and the issue is how they behave, and that's the, that's the only issue. But you, do you want a man who really, who prefers that? I mean Who wants to— prefers to kiss you on the forehead than to make out with you? Wow, I'd like to meet that woman. I really would. The woman who wrote that. I don't know if this is— the only thing I don't know about Brittany's call is whether it's really emblematic of a lot of Christian thinking today. Let's go to Maggie in Corona, California. Maggie, Dennis Prager.

Um, I do have a question. You do talk a lot about how men have that instant attraction when they see somebody, but then just as quickly as it happens, it's gone.

Right.

Well, how do we process when it's somebody that maybe that they know, maybe that they work with, that they see regularly, you know, on the big screen for an hour in a movie? That you know that your husband's attracted to, or, you know, along those lines. How do we process that attraction and what's going on in your husband?

Well, first of all, it's a great idea to be— that's why I'm such a big advocate of the couples being open about this. The more men hide, the worse things are. Uh, it's a sort of, uh, when, when the— it's like a pressure cooker, male sexuality. And if the, uh, the lid can be taken off and the pressure released, it's a lot better for everybody. And, uh, if he could, if he could say to you, let me tell you, the woman in that, that actress, it was such a turn-on. And you say, boy, I could see why I mean, I'm a woman and I could see why. I mean, if you— the question always comes back to how is your relationship. If you have a good relationship and he is attracted to you, it is irrelevant whether he was turned on for 90 minutes in a movie with a stunning actress. Irrelevant.

We do have a great relationship.

Okay, then it's irrelevant. I promise you, as a man, it's irrelevant.

In fact, I wanted to tell you too, the only thing I interrupt the Male-Female Hour for is if he calls.

That's fair. Does he know you're listening?

Yes.

Yeah, well, he owes me big time.

He does.

You're another terrific woman. He's very lucky to have you. Don't worry, that's— that's my— one of my Prager University videos that I— it's not yet ready, but I I made is, is he wants you. Your husband wants you. If your husband doesn't want you, it's irrelevant what he sees. And if he does want you, it's irrelevant what he sees.

Get it?

That's the point. If he wants you, he could— he, he can see the most stunning women, uh, all day, and then he comes back to the house and he wants you. If he doesn't want you, he could be working with— at the zoo all day with just— with just with other species on the presumption that that does nothing to him erotically, and it won't help. So the issue is what's going on between the two of you, not what is catching his erotic eye during the day, which is, uh, which is good news, uh, you see. But you can't have the good news about male sexual nature till you assimilate the bad news about its existence. We'll be back in a moment, The Male-Female Hour, and I'm Dennis Prager.

This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this.

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Now back to more of Dennis Prager's timeless wisdom.

1-800-PRAGER-776. When they go well, these open line once a quarter, I do it for the Happiness Hour once a quarter in the male-female era. They really work well. I get new topics as a result of your calls. First of all, let me say to both men and women, you must always regard yourselves as dating to win the other. I don't like the idea of dating. I won the person. I no longer have to win the person over. You don't have that in your job, I'll bet. I'll bet every one of you feels you better do your best job or you might lose your job. It is a job to be a husband. It is a job to be a wife. You did your best to get that person. Why don't you do your best to keep that person? Hmm? You can't give me a rational response. To negate my, my statement here. There is no rational way to get around it. That's one of the reasons I do not buy the idea that you never have divorce. Never has to have divorce means no matter how crappily I treat you, you will still hire me, keep me hired, employed as your, as your spouse. Permanent tenure. I don't buy it. I'm sorry. I think it should be the last resort, needless to say. But if it's impossible, it's— then there's a guarantor that no matter how poorly you do in your job, you're still hired. Many of you gave up thinking that I wouldn't be able to get to you with the final segment coming. And that rewards Kelly in Sarasota, Florida. Hi, Kelly.

Hi, Dennis. I'm glad I'm the winner.

You're the winner.

That's right.

I've heard you speak in the past about a CD or a series of CDs that you have done on male sexuality and wanted to ask you if that would be appropriate for a high school age young man?

I would be surprised if it weren't, uh, but, uh, always when parents ask this, I would just simply suggest that you listen first and you make that call. For, from my perspective, I would absolutely play that for my teenage child if I had a teenage child, uh, but Uh, that is a call you have to make. I, I know how much good those CDs have done for husbands and wives and for teenage girls. Teenage girls need to know male sexuality, and it, uh, this stuff comes as a total stunning shock to the vast majority of them, for good reason. There's no way to intuit male sexuality for a woman. There's just no way. We're— it's like asking people to understand aardvarks, asking women to understand men. So, uh, so it's a great series. Let me just say for everybody, there are 4 CDs, An Introduction to Male Sexual Nature. Uh, there's a 5-minute free course on Prager University, and then there's the 4-CD paid course through the Prager store.

Okay, well, I have a teenage daughter around the corner in the not-too-distant future, so, uh, I'll get a double.

Well, the first day that she wants to wear a very short skirt, uh, play, play her, uh, the CDs.

Okay, well then it might be sooner than I think.

Uh, yes, I'm afraid so.

Yes, exactly.

Great, thank you.

All right, all right, thank you very much. Yeah, as a general rule, I believe, you know, clarity is our best friend. I say that all the time, and it is certainly true in this arena. However, I fully acknowledge, fully acknowledge, that the initial exposure, in this case to the male sexual nature, can be a shattering experience for a woman, and especially to the woman who who wrote, "You want a man who will kiss you on the forehead, not one who wants to make out." If somebody really wrote that, she really, uh, we— I need to speak to her immediately.

Tomorrow on Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager.

If there is any word that has a really bad rap, it is in fact revenge, and I want to talk to you about it because I want to tell you that it is, it is misunderstood. So let's try to explain what revenge is and then talk about when it— is it always wrong? Is having a desire for revenge a bad, a bad thing in a human? And so on. Now, revenge is essentially doing to another, getting back at another, as we would say, for something bad that that person has done. So I guess it would be if you, if you, I guess, step on my toe and then I step on your toe, that's, that's revenge. Now we say, and folks, this is, this is a really complex subject and I want to simplify it as best as possible, but it is complex because when we say that we believe in punishment or justice but not revenge, I think we're fooling ourselves.

I grew up with a mother that suffered a lot of disappointments in her life and never got over them. And I just really felt at the time that it was not my responsibility and that if I didn't let the situation go, I would be just like my mom. It harms you because if you have an emotional spin on the revenge, you know, it affects your heart.

So therefore what? You should give up any desire to have that person suffer?

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