Timeless Wisdom - A Night with Prager and Carolla

Welcome to Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager.

Hear thousands of hours of Dennis's lectures, courses, and classic radio programs.

And to purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles, go to DennisPrager.com. What you're about to hear is the evening that Adam Carolla and I had together in Los Angeles. Actually, it is a double evening. Because the first event was sold out, so we did a second one which is entirely different. I know you will love it. Now enjoy.

I'm thrilled and honored to be here with the great Dennis Prager. I thought maybe we would start because we have my audience and your audience, and some, some commingle. Uh, we got some half-breeds in here, Dennis.

Hey, um, if you listen to both of us, cheer.

Wow.

If you thought that the Adam Carolla letters were too big, cheer.

It's in the rider, Dennis. You just have to read Well, I thought we would start out by talking quickly about each other and our backgrounds just to get the small group that does not know both of us up to speed. It'd be interesting as well, so I thought just a quick thumbnail, you know, keep it to 35 or 40 minutes, just background, how you got started, where you come from, all the good stuff, your sign, how you dress.

Uh, it's very hard to do that in such a brief time, but I can do it. Here's very simple. When I was in high school, this will be a serious moment here. When I was in high school, I wrote in my diary that I kept at the time, and I wish I had kept the diary. And just a word of advice for all of you. Uh, if I— that's a good one. I'm going to ask you that. Do you have any regrets in life? Yeah, because I, I do.

Not writing in your diary is at the top of my regrets. Is it?

Yes.

I thought I could thoroughly confuse you. Struggling with sexuality, day number 185.

Oh, we'll talk about that too, I promise. But anyway, I wrote in my diary, junior year high school, that I know exactly what I want to do with my life. I had no idea what I wanted to do for a living, but I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to try to influence people to— and I wrote, these were the words— to the good. And it's corny, and I admit it, and I— but since I was a child, I've been absolutely motivated by a real hatred of people who hurt people. I hate evil. Those who know my show know that this is true. And here's— and that's it. And so it's just— I've been very fortunate that I've been given the opportunity, and there are many other things to say, but that's it. I ended up in radio. By sheer good luck. If we had smoke signals, I would be a smoke signal host.

But can I stop you for one second? One thing I appreciate about Dennis is he hates people who do evil, and everybody hates people who do evil, but I think the distinction is, is you want the people who do evil killed. And there's a— which—

yeah.

A lot of people regard that as an evil act, but I do not. No, no. I regard it as a great act. Yes.

We're in sync, we're in sync. That's why we're here. I'll try to figure out where we differ. It'll be very interesting to see where we do differ. Eddie, it's your turn.

Ah, but you say you got into radio through good luck. Yes. And part of my message is there isn't as much good luck as you think out there.

Oh, there we see we differ already. We differ. I, I have come to the sobering conclusion in life that there is a tremendous amount of good luck and bad luck in people's lives. There's also, I admit, obviously we are a factor I couldn't agree more, but not everybody gets what they deserve. There are hardworking, capable people who don't go very far, and there are people who are inept in our business, and you wonder, how did this guy get on radio? You know, so it's— look, you need both. You need good luck and you need to work your tail off. Right. Okay. That's fair. And some ability. Oh, yes, that's right. That helps. You have all of those. So go ahead.

Thank you. I first off, I do not like to think of myself as unlucky.

Why?

Because it stops you from gambling.

That is brilliant. That was brilliant.

It stops you from attempting to cheat on your wife. It stops you from attempting to get to Vegas in under 2.5 hours. It stops you from many things in life.

No, it's a brilliant insight, actually. Right. It really is. And it forces you to work hard.

So people say, what do you mean you're not lucky? You're lucky. Look at your life. Look at your home. Look at your family. That's all stuff I busted my ass to get. None of that was a lottery ticket.

I like that.

I grew up very differently than you, I guess. I grew up in North Hollywood. I was sort of a— one person. By the way, you call it Valley Village now.

Anybody grow up in Brooklyn?

Uh-huh.

Okay, go ahead.

The thing that makes LA a bad town to live in, in general, I think, is we are 11 miles away from North Hollywood and 2,800 miles away from Brooklyn, and there are more people from Brooklyn here tonight.

That is interesting.

How are we supposed to get along?

I don't know, I don't know.

I grew up, I was a jock, I focused on sports. I didn't study, I didn't go to college, I got out of high school, I started cleaning carpets and digging ditches for a living. And everything in my family was very depressed. And I want to talk about happiness later because that's a very important topic, I know, to you, and it is with me as well. And I didn't know you were able to do what you wanted to do for a living. I thought work was miserable, then you went home to a plus-size wife and watched whatever the non-cable television zenith 13-inch black and white would provide on any given evening. I had no idea that you could overcome these things, that you could actually do what you wanted to do. It's a very important message, and I think it's a balance, and it's something I'd like to discuss as well, which is, you know, this thing where we're infusing every kid with this sort of pipe dream of you can do whatever you want, you can be whatever you You want to be— I think that's dangerous. On the other hand— thank you for those who have disappointed their parents here in the audience. The one person from North Hollywood. But on the other hand, the sort of dark evil cousin to that is the downtrodden parents that says, you know, life's a bitch and then you die. Which is basically where I come from. So it took me a while to realize I could do what I wanted to do. And I worked construction, and when you work construction, as I always say, every construction site in Los Angeles is 15 Mexicans and 3 racists named Mike. And I would listen to the radio as my comfort. Talk radio.

You know, it's a very interesting— you really do, you raise You're very funny and you raise very important subjects at the same time. It's a real— it's a real gift.

So what do we do about Israel? Because I brought this up on your show. I'm a fan of Israel and I— I don't see them as part of the problem, but I do see their neighbors as part of the problem. I basically see them as the sane roommate with the 5 meth heads they're living with.

Right.

And I would always say to the one sane roommate, why don't you just move? And he says, but I put down a cleaning deposit and I'm not going anywhere.

This is a very new analysis of the Middle East problem.

What should Israel do? What should we do about it?

Look, this is an intensely important subject. In a nutshell, I don't know what choices exist. One of the meth heads has announced that no Holocaust ever took place, but let's make another one anyway.

Right.

So as Golda Meir, former Prime Minister of Israel, once said, we Jews have learned at great price that when they say we want to kill you, take them seriously. Right. And so something has to be done about Iranian nuclear weapons. I mean, it's just— there's no choice. Voice for the world. It's a problem. It's a very, very, very big problem. And people, you know, a Christian, a guy was just sentenced to death in Iran. He might have been executed today. I didn't follow the news. And for converting at the age of 19 from Islam to Christianity, right? He's put to death. Now, by the way, as a challenge, a lot of Christians here, every Christian church in America should have a sign, "Free this man." It's very disturbing that if there were a million Christians all over the world who gathered on behalf of this man in a peaceful, loving, calm demonstration, this man's life would be saved. It bothers me. It does bother me that Christians are not more animated about the killing of Christians that's happening today.

I will blow a call into Tebow as soon as we break. Well, be the tip of the spear of this idea.

The truth is the guy could do a lot if he were— if he made one YouTube video on behalf of this guy in Iran, it would be a big deal.

I had a story happen this, this very afternoon Dennis, that I thought would put a little kindling underneath your fire, and we could start off with this.

We've started already.

Oh, have we started?

Yes.

Oh, officially? Wow, we've clocked in. I went and took my kids, I have 5-year-old twins, and I don't know why you have to hold your hand out to the approximate height of your children. It would be confusing if I said I had 5-year-old twins.

But why do I feel like Ed McMahon?

Because you had 3 Budweisers backstage.

So how was the story? What was the story?

I—

wait, how long will the story be?

20, 25.

All right, so 1 minute, 1 minute. I knew this would happen. Happen. Yeah, so one there.

Okay, smoke up.

Yeah, while he tells his story, I'm gonna light up.

Go ahead. Please. Okay, um, I took my, uh, children, my twins, um, to, uh, Little League practice today at the park, and, um, they have a sort of rotating coach thing, and I was going to coach along with some of the other dads, and they're all 5- and 6-year-olds, world. So there's, uh, not, you know, the coaching is, uh, a lot of stuff like, uh, you know, run toward first base, not toward third base, and—

right, right—

try to— try to— yeah, it'd be nice if you weren't in your underpants while you're doing it. A lot of that. But, um, I got out of the car and I started walking toward the, uh, field, and it was just, uh, I think it was at noon today, and the kids were out there and the dads were out there, and one of the moms intercepted me, and I had to write this one down. She said, "Oh, what are you going to be doing?" I said, "I'm going to be helping out coaching today with the kids." She said, "Oh, have you had your live scan done?" And I said, "Your live scan?" "My live scan done, yes." And I don't know what testicular cancer has to do with coaching kids, but— She said, have you had your Live Scan done? And I said, uh, I'm gonna say no because I don't know what a Live Scan is. Oh, you have to be fingerprinted and they have to do a background check on you and have to make sure that your paperwork is, you know, up to snuff before you, you know, underhand a 5-year-old a Nerf baseball at high noon in the middle of Toluca Lake with 4 other dads and 10 moms sitting around. And I thought Wow, is this what it's come to? And yes, this is what it's come to. And yes, I don't want pedophiles hitting infield to my kids. But on the other hand, exactly. This is worse somehow. And I don't know why.

You know why they didn't fingerprint parents when we were kids? They never came to our games.

That's why.

Why do you have to? I don't even understand. Why do you to go to all your kids' events. Wow.

I need you to talk to my wife.

I do. I will. I'll talk to you. I don't—

this man is a saint, sweetie. Listen to his words. Go ahead, Dennis.

I didn't want my parents to come to my events. It made me feel like a man that Mom wasn't— Mommy wasn't watching, right? That was independence. I was a grownup. Do the ballplayers' parents show up at every game? No.

No.

Why should mine?

Right.

I identified with the ballplayer.

Right. Even when you lost your virginity, you did not want them anywhere near?

Let me think about that.

See, even for encouragement?

This doesn't go on on my show.

Come on, you're Prager, son.

I went to Orthodox Jewish schools till 18. It was not an issue. All right, okay, let's just— let's make that— which, talking about that, by the way, I'm still, I'm still, uh, wondering about— I don't know if you heard, uh, I don't expect everybody would have heard every minute of either of our shows, but he had a very interesting insight, uh, into your first encounter with Jewish food. Yes, I thought it was very funny. So why don't you share that again?

Well, it's somewhere in my book. I don't— again, I'm from North Hollywood, so I didn't grow up amongst the Hasidim. Not Jewish though, right? When you're from Studio City, then maybe we can talk menorahs. A few of those out here. But I always had a great I have great respect for the Jews because my step-grandfather is Jewish. And the Corollas were very dysfunctional and laissez-faire at best when it came to rearing the children. But my step-grandfather, Laszlo Gorog, who was a Hungarian Jew— Gutmann was his real last name, But to get through the Holocaust and to get work as a writer and all that kind of stuff, he ended up changing it. And he cooked. He was the only one who cooked. And he took care of his grandkids. And he would make things like cow's tongue and long for the days when he could get hold of some good stuffed goose liver and all the stuff that made a 10-year-old want to vomit. And my observation was this: the Jews aren't exactly stunt people. They're not risk-takers. They're not— a lot of the folks you see in the X Games don't have Burning Man at the end. And I don't believe Evel Knievel or anybody's ever jumped a car or bikes. But Jewish— not a lot of Jews, not a lot of guys wearing leathers and capes that are Jews, or crash helmets. But when it comes to eating, big risk-takers. You guys, you guys eat the stuff the Irish won't put in haggis. Like when they're stuffing the sheep's stomach, one of them says, nah, nah, come on, please, that's— we don't—

how many of you, how many How many— again, give an applause or a cheer— how many of you have heard of gefilte fish?

Okay.

I don't think you've sat through—

It's like night at the Apollo here.

So here is the story. This is the truth. Gefilte means in German and in Yiddish, filled. So it was filled with everything that the Jew accumulated over the course of the week. Week to prepare for the Sabbath meal. So everything edible and semi-edible was thrown into the fish. You know, you can't fish for gefilte fish. It's not a species of fish. And so that's why nobody— I have never met a non-Jew who liked gefilte fish, right?

It's why Jell-O doesn't have a flavor called cod.

Yeah, that's right. That's one of the reasons. Yeah, that is one of the reasons. That's exactly right. So while you know, they say Italians and Jews have a lot in common. Have you ever heard that? Seriously, have you heard that?

I've always— and I'm allowed to say this because I'm Italian— I've always thought of Italians as good-looking Jews and Jews as smart Italians.

That's interesting. So an Italian Jew is the ultimate. Yeah, good-looking and bright, right? All right, Renaissance. I want to go back to your wife for a moment, please. So this is a subject that comes up on my show, and I, I, uh, I gingerly approach it because I have a lot of religious listeners. I'm, I'm religious myself. But a lot of my religious listeners and I have a difference on this. I make peace with the fact that men have a certain sexual nature, and that this came up a lot this week on my show for whatever reason. And that we are visually stimulated, to put it as objectively as possible. The visual is very powerful. And I was wondering, does your wife know that you look at other women?

If she didn't, she will in the next 10 to 15 seconds when I answer this question. Probably.

Well, she's putting the kids to bed, so we won't tell or what the answer is?

You know, my wife trusts me, and she has to trust me because of my profession. And she understands that if you're going to travel as much as I travel and be stopped at airports and approached and be away from home and staying in hotels, that you're just going to have to cheat. And she— no. Yes, she— I don't like— I do know that she trusts me implicitly. That much I know. And I think she does know— I think she has to know I look at other women because actually I don't know how to work a computer very well. And at all. And the other night somebody tried to send us a file. File of, uh, it's a t-shirt that's going to be for sale in the lobby out here soon. And she was monkeying around the computer doing the 'let me get that' and 'let me pull up this file' and pulled up a file of something else that I happen to live there on the computer that I thought I'd thrown in the trash can, but evidently—

the filter fish.

Yes, yes, all the stuff I threw away from week, the prior week, ended up on the screen. And I think, you know, it's sort of interesting, and I've had this discussion with friends of mine before, which is if the things that your wife finds you looking at, whether it be a magazine or something on the computer or maybe just your waitress when you go out to dinner, If that woman looks remotely like your wife, I think you're cool. But if you're looking—

That's a new theory for me, I have to say. Oh honey, I don't mind, she looks like me.

And when I say me, I don't mean you, I mean your wife. Oh. That would be grounds for divorce, but what I'm saying is—

It would, it would.

I'd like to see that website.

I was quoting the woman.

Oh, I see. Understood. Understood now. Yes, if the woman, you know, if your wife is flat-chested and red-haired and you're looking at busty women of color, that's not good. That's probably not good. Uh-huh.

But if you're looking looking at flat-chested, red-haired women, right? That's good.

Yeah, but not— yes, I understand what you're saying. Yeah, not for your genitals, but yes, for your marriage. Yes. Super low self-esteem.com. I want an A-cup. I want a mousy, freckled, flat-chested, middle-aged albino. I don't want to see your eyelashes or her breasts.

Yes. All right, so here's my theory.

Please.

This was novel, this was new, uh, but, uh, uh, my theory, and again, I know that many of you have heard it, I think that the more a man can be open about his nature, the better their marriage. And while I have 100% sense of empathy, because The, the, the— when a woman first encounters male sexual nature, it's scary. It is. I mean, there's no, no, no way around it. But, uh, if, if you're— he's a good man and, uh, you're a good man. I mean, the fact that you said my wife trusts me on the road, uh, was, was touching, actually, in all seriousness. And, and, and I think she should trust you most of the time.

Sure.

And, uh, I, uh, And my wife trusts me on the road. It's a very similar life in that way, although I think you get a different type of a woman approaching you. I'm not sure our shows have identical— I get approached a great deal as well at airports. They're often twice my age, and they— I'm kidding, that's not entirely true. It's mostly true. But it's, uh, in any event, uh, when a woman and a man can share that— well, I'll tell you, I'll be very open. This is not a story I could tell on the radio, but I could— you'll get a kick out of this. So my wife knows.

I mean, I—

it's all— it should be embarrassing for most people. This would be embarrassing to tell 1,400 people, but I have found, and it's been a great, uh, lesson of my life, the more open you are, the more people trust you, you, and the more they feel they know you, and the more they open up in turn. That's in private life true, and it's in public life true. So here's a cute little thing. My wife knows my nature, and I love her for it, and I love that she is so accepting of this. I married a male. I didn't marry a female with different accoutrements. And so One of the kicks I get out of life is at night, if I'm at a stoplight and women with nice legs are crossing the street and my headlights are there to illuminate their lovely limbs. This is one of those little thrills that men live for. And so my wife, who is here tonight, certainly knows of this. So we were in Florida visiting my son and grandson. Just a couple of months ago. And so there were some young women walking into the hotel where I was pulling up, and in their skirts, and just as they passed the headlights, a big gust of wind came. And I looked at my wife and said, "Sue, I just won the lottery." Well, maybe there is a God. Yeah, you see, that was one of the things I wanted to do tonight, was offer you arguments for God.

That divine wind.

The divine wind, yes. On Thursday, the television station where I work in San Diego ran a story about a local charter high school that refuses to raise an American flag out front. They don't— they refused to put in a flagpole. What reason did they give? The head of the charter system said that there was no room in front, because they had redesigned the school, that it was impossible to find room for a flagpole, which the construction company denied. They have a flag in the lobby, folded up in a nice little triangle, that they say is quite sufficient. There was a lot of feedback on Facebook, on our Facebook site, and a lot of students criticizing the station for questioning their patriotism. And, you know, that they felt just as patriotic without a flag out. I just thought I'd like to get response from both of you.

Well, first off, no room for a flagpole. His name is Doug.

Doug.

Yes, it is.

It is.

Yeah. Okay. Doug. No room for a flagpole is like saying my closet has no room room for a mop. It doesn't have a big footprint. If you have room for a can of coffee in front of your school, that's about the footprint.

That's right.

Of a flagpole. They're taller than they are wide. That's one of the— they're like supermodels. They're smarter than supermodels, but they have the same build as a supermodel. And yes, this disturbs me. And when I hear stories, even as an atheist, where people are being outraged over the Los Angeles Crest having a mission on the front of it with a cross in front of the mission, it bothers me because I don't think— first off, I don't feel like we're progressing at all with this kind of behavior. This falls under the neither here nor there. Our school systems are failing a lot of the children that are attending it. The graduation percentages are at an all-time low. The teachers are overstressed. The classes are oversized. This falls under the "who gives a shit" category when it comes to schools and society. And I feel like we're spending a lot of time talking about a lot of stuff that we wouldn't be talking about if we were in a war. And to me, and I don't mean we should start a war, but what I'm saying is, is if we had real problems, would we be arguing about flagpoles? And I— a lot of people look at this as a progression, but I look at it as a huge step backwards.

It's, you know, he mentioned that people are saying, don't question our patriotism. I don't question your patriotism. I question your wisdom. It's not wise. It's not intelligent not to have the symbols of your own country available to be honored. It's a stupid and destructive decision. I have no idea what your patriotism is, and it's not for me to judge. That's fine. But the act of having a flag in one school that this is now considered to be controversial. We have really— we have descended. And so I hope people do make a big stink. But of course, if you make a big stink, then you're called a chauvinist and a nationalist, right? You know, neo-fascist, and you're called all these names. But there's no excuse. An American school has an American flag.

Flag.

If you don't want to have an American flag, go to a United Nations school. They exist. Go to a UN school. But in America, an American school has an American flag. Have a good day.

I agree. And what about the rite of passage of taking the nerd and hooking his underpants up to the flagpole and hoisting him to the top?

Well, that's right.

That simple pleasure will be denied to hundreds of children.

Exactly. That's a very interesting thing about— I agree with you. I haven't watched the Academy Awards in a number of years, but I did for many years, and it drove me nuts when an actress— usually it was an actress— would get up, you know, she grew up in rural Montana, now she's getting an Academy Award, and she says, I have a message for all you young girls out there. All you have to do is follow your dream. 'Right.' And look at where I got. Now, of course, there are 86,000 waitresses—

sure—

to the one woman who got the Academy Award, right, who were also following their dream. And it's a terrible message. So I have an interesting theory now. Maybe, maybe it's better to have parents who say you're a loser. Yeah, well, no, no, I'm not joking. I, I know it's funny, but I, I mean Look, he— your parents said that, correct? So let me tell you— wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay, no, no, let me tell you something. You got to hear this. So this is my mother, may she rest in peace. When I, in my early 20s, I started getting paid to give lectures. So she looks at me one day, they're paying you? And I said, yeah, Mom, they're paying me. I can hear you for free and I don't listen. So that's my theory. Maybe it's not good, maybe it's better to have What did you tell your teenage parents?

That day, the diary was riddled with more than ink, but tears as well.

I thought it was a hilarious line. I loved it. I loved it.

Well, I think the balance is to have one very optimistic, enthusiastic parent who thinks you can do anything, and another that basically tells you you're an idiot and you should take the first job that's offered to you.

That's what you had? You had one who—

My parents didn't say anything to me, good or bad. And it turns out to be bad. We didn't speak. They had— they're mainly depressed. Mainly.

Also, you really love my happiness message.

Yes, I do. I do. And I think— and Dennis makes a point on his show that you owe it to those around you to be happy. It's very selfish to be unhappy.

That's right. No, thank you. It means a lot to me that you got that and said it, and it means a lot to me that you applauded. By the way, just a fair thing, because Torrance was very nice in allowing this to happen tonight, because usually places that have you asked for a month that you not speak in their area. Tomorrow night I'm speaking very close in Torrance on that very subject. I just want to make this point, and I hope some of you who are here tonight will come, because I am very big on that, that we owe it to act happy to the people around us.

Right.

That is a huge, huge message.

I agree. And a lot of A lot of people will say, "Well, if it's false, who cares?" But I don't know it if I'm just traveling through LAX and you're checking my ID and you appear to be walking on sunshine. It's not like I climb onto the plane and say to the guy next to me, "You know, I think that chick was full of shit." That's great, that's great. I happen to know that was just the mask of— but there was tears behind that clown's mask. I don't care. And as a matter of fact, Going from, you know, micro to macro, I wish the whole Middle East would act happy, even if they were miserable. Wouldn't it be nice? Yeah.

Look, you know, when I do my Happiness Hour, my opening is, "The happy make the world better, the unhappy make it worse." It's just a fact. And I know some— I have some wonderful Muslims. Obviously there are bad Christians, bad Jews, bad Muslims, good people in every group. Nevertheless, what you just said has truth, and I would say this in front of an all-Muslim audience: Muslims, at least religious Muslims today, do not evince joie de vivre. Is that a fair comment?

Is that that author they wanted to kill? He wrote Faces of Islam?

French author, right? French author, yeah.

Yeah, he drew that cartoon, didn't he? Yeah, now he's in a safe house.

That was the last happy thing he did. No, no, it's a very big deal. That's exactly— I tell religious people all the time, the worst advertisement for religiosity is a miserable religious person. Yeah, the worst. And the best advertisement— if your religion is good, you should be happy. Simple as that. And, and, uh, this is a very big argument. That's exactly right.

Right. So my— I I'm an atheist, not because I'm trying to be.

Yeah, that's on my list.

And we can get to that.

Yeah, yeah, that's on my list.

But, you know, I, to me—

Number 1.

I have a list as well.

That was a laundry bill, there was not a list.

My assistant does the laundry, but I pretend to be happy in front of him. For me, well, actually, it makes me think of my children when I think of happiness, because my parents were visibly unhappy around me during my childhood, and that really ruined my childhood. And, you know, there's psychologists who would say, well, the child internalizes the parents' unhappiness and blames oneself. I didn't even blame myself. I was just living with unhappy people, which made me miserable. That was enough. I didn't even think it was my fault. I'm very glad that you're into psychology, because for a lot of people, it's a sort of a decision they make. Are they, you know, it's sort of like, are you a Raiders fan or are you a Denver fan? It's not not both. You know, those are football teams, Dennis. Um, they—

that was a low blow.

Okay, sorry, you're right.

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Well, that are— if they're religious or they're into psychology, but right, I don't find a lot that are into both. And I like the fact that you're into both, and I respect that. And it's always been a sort of fascination of mine, psychology. And I don't understand I don't understand why it's devalued as much as it is in a culture that is created solely of human beings that you're trying to get to do what you would like to do. You know, I mean, sometimes you're trying to get out of a ticket and there's a certain psychology that goes along with that. Officer, it looks like you've lost weight, even though we've never met before.

Have you tried that?

I've gotten out of tickets. There is a psychology to getting out of tickets.

Really?

Yes. Well, the first thing is, I mean, it's a technical term, but don't be a douchebag. You know, don't say, what, no one's robbing any banks today? You know, don't start with that. Start with an apology. I know I shouldn't have done that.

It never worked with me. I have done exactly Exactly your thing.

No, here's the thing. Your chances go from 0 to 1%. But at least there's 1%.

That's right.

But there's a psychology involved with landing a job, a job interview, meeting a woman, impressing people. I mean, everything you do at one point or another, even if you're talking about filling an arena or filling a theater on a Saturday night, there's a psychology to that. This, not a planned psychology that we've been on, you know, on course for, for the last 20 years. But I mean, you create a product that people want to hear. And there's a psychology to that. Not, not smoke and hokum, but a psychology to it. It's deliberate. And I do the same as well. And it's a topic that's not only sort of underserviced and underdiscussed, but not It's dismissed and stigmatized as well, I find, in our culture. And I don't get it.

You mean the psychology issue?

Yes, psychology in general.

Not just among religious people, you mean?

No, I mean just as a culture. We talk about everything except for this topic. And we will try to break down what motivated a killer or what happened in the news but we rarely get into the psychological aspect.

It's funny, we may have a different— a difference. I agreed with you on the religious one, but I think in general almost we've gone overboard, because now, for example, you mentioned the killer— people don't even say he's evil, they say he's sick, right? So we use a psychological term instead of a moral term. Almost everything seems to have been therapized. What's the whole self-esteem movement? Yes, I know, darling, you, you You know, you can't hit a ball, but here's a trophy anyway.

Were you watching my daughter try to bat today, by the way? No, I agree with that, but that's pseudo-psychology. Oh, okay. That is an attempt. That's Band-Aid psychology.

But I agreed more on the religious one. I think that there's— see, here is where I've tried to give religion a good name. A name in my life. I really have. And part of it is that I'm real. A lot of religious people don't come across as real, right? They come across as saintly. And, uh, saints are not real. They may exist, but they're not real. I'm not— I, I don't aspire to be a saint, and I'm certainly not one. Uh, and so if I talk about sexuality openly and I'm deeply religious and take God very seriously, Then the agnostic, the secular person, the atheist say, "Wow, they're really not out of it." The religious people, and it's true for all our religions, often, not all by any means, often come across as living in a different world and not the real one that the rest of us do. And so, in that regard, I agree.

And not governed by needs and wants and human nature.

Yes, exactly. So here's the question. Question. I, and I mean, this was, this was number one on my list. Why are you an atheist?

Um, I grew up in a, a vacuum of religion, and, um, my family— it's funny because religion, part of it is, is spiritual, and then the other part of it is, is family-oriented. I mean, it's sort of a team that you all root for. It gets you together. You know, y'all put on— I mean, you know, some people put on their Sunday best and go out on a Sunday. Some people go out on a Friday, or turn the washing machine off on a Friday, or whatever. Eat gefilte fish on a Saturday. But some families put on— put a block of Styrofoam foam cheese on their head and Brett Favre jerseys on and all shuffle off to the stadium. It's something that a family does together. And my family didn't do anything together. And religion would have been something to do. And it would have also been something to impart. And they didn't do any imparting as well.

All right, but wait a minute. But you were now an adult. You were a grown man. And now you you can think for yourself, you believe everything came about by sheer chance? That there's no possible designer involved? This is total random chance?

Yes, I believe in nature, and I believe— and, you know, maybe we're splitting hairs a little bit here. I'm a big believer in nature knowing what it's doing, And well, but nature does—

if nature knows what it's doing, then it was given intelligence.

Well, that, that's— see, I wish—

so you believe, you believe nature has— so lima beans have intelligence, but, but they didn't get it from anywhere?

I was going to go garbanzo, but yes.

All right, all right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're right.

You got to stay on prompter. There, Dennis, come on. Yes, I know there's this sort of perpetual dog chasing its own tail until it passes out in a pile of its own sick.

No, no, really, how do you believe— no, no, no, wait, wait. How does nature have intelligence but it didn't come from intelligence?

It—

intelligence comes from intelligence.

Yeah, I, I, I— it's the The difficulty— see, you and I have the same beliefs, but we're on, you know, the other side of the spectrum, which is—

Only on this issue. We have similar values.

Oh, we have— I think that's a good point. I think our values are the same.

Yes, and that's more important. I'd rather have an atheist whose values I share than a believer whose values I don't share. I just want to make that clear.

Right. Well, I'm one of the atheists I'm an atheist who is fine with religious people. I like it. I like the values. I worry that there's so many different religions and that they seem to do battle so often. And I'm not sure how to avoid that because once you pick a team— sorry, getting back to football again— but I've always sort of found that it's not enough just to be a Patriots fan, you have to hate the Ravens. The Jews, unfortunately, probably the Cleveland Browns, or I don't know. What I'm saying is, is that's the part I wish everyone could just be a fan of their team and not have the vitriol for the other teams.

Well, you know, the truth is is something was created in America which in fact did do exactly what you wanted. This, the founders of this country rejected Europe where you did have religious wars. We have not had religious wars. You know, everybody, I was a little kid, but I remember, oh, America's not going to elect John Kennedy, he's a Catholic. And they elected John Kennedy. And I think we're going through a similar thing with Mitt Romney, he's a Mormon. And there's no country where you feel as welcome, no matter what your religion, as the United States. Do you know— I mean, yes. And so this country has been different. We not only don't have religious wars, the value system of this country is called a combination of two religions that were in terrible conflict. Conflict in Europe. It's called Judeo-Christian. They didn't speak of Judeo-Christian values in Europe. They spoke of basically, you know, let's get the Jew. That was, you know, that was unfortunately what predominated in Europe. And then the Catholic against the Protestant, the Protestant against the Catholic, everybody against the Roman pagan and so on. But not in the United States. And You know, that's— this is still the best hope, which is— let me just say that was an advertisement for my forthcoming book, whose title is Still the Best Hope. Just wanted to say.

All right. Yeah. And I'm not talking about this great melting pope we have here in the United States, but I am sort of talking about abroad. And other parts of the world.

Well, right, okay, but we're not advocating the other parts' religion. Folks, I have accepted a task to get him to move from atheism to agnosticism.

Okay.

Alright? No, no, no, and then, who knows? Who knows? You know, you could end up an Italian Jew. I mean, bright, handsome, smart, smart, right, rich.

Well, what, uh, Kenny, it'd be nice to run Hollywood for just a few moments. In the age of, you know, nanotechnology and molecular genetics and functional neuroimaging, you know, biological warfare and nuclear warfare. Do you see a problem with people going to a 2,000-year-old text for their sense of morals? Oh, that's an ethical consideration. It's a loaded question, but go ahead.

Not only don't I see a problem, I, I, I don't know what— I can't think of a single moral insight that we should be governed by that isn't already there. If you can offer me one, then I, I would, I would have a No problem.

I—

if you knew— I'm curious, if you're— I assume you're not a parent. I think you're— No, definitely not.

Right.

But if you had—

You can tell he's gay from here? I can hear a little.

Don't look at me.

Dennis, just as an aside, you'd be glad to know that because I was talking to my daughter the other day and she announced that she wanted someone else to be her father as well. And I said, well, now wait a minute, I'm your dad. You can't have two daddies, can you? And she said, Jaden has two daddies. And I said, touché.

It's a new world.

It's a new world. Yes.

And now I totally forgot what I was going to tell the guys. Oh yeah, so I said to your, uh, oh yes, so imagine you're a parent, although you can't imagine you're a parent if you're not, because no, no, you can't. You, the love that you have for your child, you can understand intellectually, but you don't relate to until you have a child. It's just the way it is. Okay, so, but imagine in even that way you have two possible 2 possible candidates for, to take care of your kid, you know, babysit your kid, 2 women, okay? And you know nothing else about either of them. They're both 21 years old. And you know that one attends a Bible class and goes to church pretty regularly, and the other one has no religious convictions whatsoever. You know nothing else about them. Would you flip a coin or would you choose the one with the irrelevant 2,000-year text?

Oh, I'd choose the other one.

You would choose the other one? Okay, I think you're in a very strong minority. As I have asked atheists that I've debated, imagine you are in— and I'll ask you this— you are in a—

I have a complicated algorithm involving cup size. I said—

I don't want to get into right now.

No.

I said All other things being equal.

Oh, okay, both C cups, interesting.

God, I thought I was bad with the headlights. So you imagine you are, you've rented a car in a city that you're visiting for the first time in America and it's midnight, you're lost, and it's a dark, dark area where you ran out of gas or whatever, the car broke down. Down, and you all of a sudden see 10 men walking toward you. So I'll ask you, but although to me it's a rhetorical question, you certainly feel free to answer: would you or would you not be relieved to find out that they had just attended a Bible class?

I actually— first, I wanna say, I saw you pose this to Christopher Hitchens, and I think he had a really good response.

He had a terrible response. Terrible, and dishonest response, and I wrote it up as an article. And I like Christopher Hitchens. Christopher Hitchens changed my question. He changed it to prayer, not Bible class, which I specifically chose because that meant it was Jewish or Christian. Those are the two that would have a Bible class. Second, he took it out of the United States and said, well, what if a Jew is walking in Algeria? Or what if a Catholic is in Protestant Belfast or whatever? Well, wait a minute, that's not what I asked.

But Avis has unlimited miles now. I don't know if you know that. So it is technically possible.

You know, I hadn't thought of that. You might have driven into Mexico and been killed by a drug lord, and that changes the whole question.

Yeah, but how many atheists are on death row?

Probably. I think the question is better. If 50% of Americans attend church regularly, are 50% of the murderers those who attended church regularly? Do you think that that's the case?

I don't know, but I know—

No, no, no, no, no, no. What do you think the case is?

Oh, I'll say no.

Okay. All right.

I'll be honest. And I like I do like religion because I do like the notion that it keeps some folks in line. A lot of folks.

It keeps me in line. I admit it. It keeps me in line. It does. I fully admit it.

But I do also wrestle with the notion that most of the folks on death row probably believe in God.

That's irrelevant. That's why I said—

That's irrelevant?

Yes, totally. Belief in God means nothing.

Me nothing.

Nothing. I want to know what your values that you believe God demands from you, and whether you were active with other religionists. Believe in God— I mean, monsters can believe in God, people who do awful things. Belief in God tells me nothing. But if you're active in the American Christian or the American Jewish way of life, I have more faith that you are not going to be a rapist and a murderer. Murderer. I mean, it's a limited scope, but I do believe that, and I think you believe that. Yeah, belief in God— belief in God ensures nothing. It just ensures nothing.

Well, for the Jews, the whole raping through a sheet thing is what slows them— it slows down the process.

They're raping through a sheet?

Don't you have to have sex through a sheet, Dennis?

Your wife said that All right, next, uh, the next performance or show, whatever this is called, will be on what he thinks of Judaism. I, uh, uh, the, the, uh, the long answer is no. No, no.

You sure it's long? Some of those sheets are quilted.

I suggested on my show, some of you I'm sure heard, and I wrote my column on it last week, that just as people have a dot on their license if they want to give their organs over if they die, and I have such a dot on my license, we should have a dot on our license and/or license plate and/or even a bracelet, red or green. Just, I picked two colors, green Green, life, red for execution, that if you're murdered, that you would want— you want to make an announcement in advance, and if, as it were, from the grave, if I am murdered, I would like my murderer executed. You wear a red band, right? A, uh, so would you wear a red band or a green band?

Well, I would wear a red band if I didn't think the likelihood of me being stabbed went up tenfold told. Oh, the moment— the sad irony is only moments after he donned the red band did the junkie break into his apartment and stab him with the rusty sprinkler key. So I, I'm not religious, but I'm a little superstitious, and I think that band just means I'm going to get stabbed by a junkie. But yes, I, I do, unless, unless it's a domestic dispute, in which case. I understand because she's put up with enough. I would downgrade that to jaywalking, really, if my wife— By the way, not a jury in the land would convict her.

I got a very big question. Does your wife— this is huge, by the way. I don't want to hurt any marriages here, but I have a theory on this. Does your wife think you're funny? Yes. Oh, thank God.

Yes.

Oh, you have no idea, because I— here is a theory, and I got to give my producer Ellen—

but that being said, she'd like me to shut up.

No, no, no, no. Okay, that's a separate issue. That's a separate issue entirely. So here is a theory, and it was most directly expressed by my producer, and we were discussing this. If you're funny and your wife doesn't find you funny, it's not good. Yeah, it's a bad sign. And people dating— guys, if you're dating and you're— the woman you're dating doesn't find you funny, you might want to move on. Yeah, you agree with that?

Yeah. Well, I— we want out—

we want our women to laugh at our jokes.

We basically just told half, you know, every woman in here who is engaged to fake a laugh. You've been faking everything else, why not just keep it going into the refractory period? But don't laugh while you're making love, that you don't want, right?

Bad, very bad.

Very bad.

Very bad, that's true.

Very bad. On the death penalty, and I've heard you say many times that, you know, the people that think it's immoral to want the death penalty, and you say it's immoral not to want the death penalty. For me, it's really about oftentimes what happens after they're incarcerated. The fact that they're able to get married, have children. The fact that there's Manson family members that have had multiple children from from inside the prison. That to me is the reason I'm for the death penalty, and others as well, but that's one of them. Also, it's not like they're in there sitting over a Bunsen burner trying to cure, you know, AIDS or breast cancer. They're just going to be locked in a cage. One could argue it's more humane to humanely put them down at this point. We do understand this clearly in the rest. It's funny because when, when an animal turns, we understand it's necessary to put that animal down. And for me, that's just a creature who turned who needs to be taken off the board of life. That's, that's for me.

You know, I do find it interesting when people accuse us who are for capital punishment of wanting revenge, but the people who want life imprisonment without the possibility of parole equally want revenge. That's an act of revenge. Nobody's going to commit murder at 92 or at 85 or at 75 when they've been incarcerated at 25. It's clearly revenge. Life imprisonment without parole is just as much revenge as, so to speak, execution is. Worth mentioning. So, and anyway, I don't know what's wrong with just revenge. There's unjust revenge. You kill me and then my family kills your family. That's, that's unjust revenge. But if you kill me and then your life is taken, that's justice. Yeah.

And people, you know, people do this statistic stuff where it doesn't It doesn't curb— well, first off, how could it hurt? You know what I mean? In terms of just whether it's getting a parking ticket or murder one, I would say being put to death would eventually curb murder. But even if it doesn't, it's academic. It's like Tim McVeigh. This guy killed a whole bunch of people. He did an unthinkable thing. He took out all these people in Oklahoma City. And he was killed. He was killed fairly quickly, or put to death fairly quickly, and now he's not writing books, he's not painting clowns that are going up on eBay, he's not cranking out kids. And by the way, I always complain about on our show, Randall Tex Watson from the Manson Family, I think has had 3 or 4 kids from inside the joint. Now think about the DNA that's coursing through the veins. Of those kids. It's the guy who thought it'd be a good idea to put down an acoustic guitar and pick up a knife and do some killing because Charlie Manson told him to do it. And then the chick that thought it'd be a good idea to go to the prison. That would be an interesting conversation she had with her dad. Dad, I just spotted my next husband on television. What's he host, the game show? Not quite. He was walking to the courtroom.

It's a little, it's a little hard to explain. You want to go to questions?

Sure, sure. Do we have some questions out there in the audience on anything you'd like? Any topic you like?

I think we have people walking around with mics, is that correct?

Yes, we do, right here.

You want to turn on, maybe we'll turn on a little bit the, uh, the crowd lights.

Yeah.

Wow, I feel like God. Let there be light.

It was very— Yeah, I have a question. I guess it's kind of directed towards both of you, but mostly towards Dennis Prager. You made the observation, Adam, that religion, you know, creates vitriol, and then you later said you wanted to somehow convert Adam into some kind of a believer. Why does there have to be any kind of agenda? Why can't you just accept Adam as the atheist he is?

Oh, I— wait, this is a great question because it's— why are they— why is in any way they're mutually exclusive? Didn't I just say that I will take him over a religious believer that I don't share values with? He's my buddy. I mean, he's beautiful. In fact, from the Jewish perspective, this guy's going to heaven. This atheist, he doesn't—

he—

I don't want him— the only reason— there are only two— there are two reasons I would like to see him believe in God. One, because I think he would have a more fulfilled life, because without God, I think ultimately one confronts those 3 AM questions. You know, you wake up in the middle of the night and you, you know, what's it all about? And if there is no God, You know, it's just a crapshoot. And I don't— I would like him to have a better 3 AM experience. The other—

couldn't you just get me one of those Breathe Right strips and we'll call it a day?

You will breathe right with this.

So now, the other—

and now there's another And there is another one. You have a lot of influence on people, as you rightly should. You are gifted. You truly are. I mean, I don't patronize anybody. You are truly gifted. And you, if you took God seriously, I don't give a damn what religion you're in. It doesn't even have to be a religion. It could just be, I believe in God. You don't have to have a religious affirmation of any specific one, but you would have a very positive influence on people. Care for a godless society. You know what the most godless institution in America is, of any large existence or large numbers? Yes, the university. The single most morally confused place in America is also the most godless place, and it's not a coincidence.

I think some of those folks Humboldt State are fine individuals. So do I. Adam, I have a 5-year-old who's within days the same age as your twins, and I tell him about God, and I'm Jewish, um, although sometimes I question some of the things I tell him, and I can still be a good Jew and do that, right, Dennis?

That what? Wait, sometimes you question some of the—

I, I question some of the things about God I tell them, or even the existence sometimes, and you can still be a good Jew?

Well, Israel means question, a struggle with God. The word Israel means the name of the Jewish people is fight with God. So fighting with God is intrinsic to being Jewish. Go ahead.

So Adam, I was wondering what you tell your kids about God, or if there is a God, or— I have, first off, all communication goes through the Guatemalan nanny. So, Olga. And Olga. And there's a language barrier, so I'm not sure what she's telling them. I will tell you this story. I woke up this morning and I walked into my office and my daughter was standing in the bathroom in the bathroom with the door open, standing up on her little platform, cutting her own hair with the scissors from my office. And I said, "Natalia, what are you doing?" And she said, "I'm giving myself bangs." And I said, "No, no, no, no, don't. You don't cut your own hair." And then she could tell, sort of as a child could tell, that she'd done something wrong. She knew she was being naughty. And then later on I saw her and my wife together. My wife was sort of consoling her, saying, it's okay, it's okay, mommy and daddy are okay with what you did. You shouldn't do it again, but we're not angry at you. And she said, I'm not worried about you, I'm worried about Olga, the nanny. She literally was more worried about the Guatemalan muscle coming in and teeing off on her. I have spoken to my wife about this, uh, basically because I have a Labrador that's 9 years old that's had an ear removed and a couple of goiters lanced and, you know, walks with a limp. And she's been around my dog Molly since the kids were born, and she's going to, you know, probably drain my bank account and then die. That's right. That's That seems to be her tentative plan. And we are going to have to tell the kids something about Molly when Molly moves on that involves a farm or playing fetch with Scott.

No, no, no, you'll tell Molly what you told us. Molly's legacy of goodness will live on.

Every time you step in a pile of crap, You know, if you forget to pick up the crap in the backyard, that'll be Molly reminding you.

Moving, moving.

Yes, we will, we will, we will have to cobble together some sort of story for the young'uns, but I'm guessing that when they get older, they'll be free to choose their own direction. And I'm not going to impose that on them. I mean, I'm not going to, you know, unless one of one of them grabs an acoustic guitar and says he's starting a commune, in which case I'll need to intervene. But if they would like to pick a faith, you know, I would be happy for them. I envy you. I envy all of those who have this faith. I honestly do. It's not— I'm not coming from a place where I feel like I have answers and, you know, you folks and your witchcraft and your ancient scrolls. I look down my intellectual nose at you like much of Hollywood does. I don't have that at all. I wish I shared your belief system. I grew up in a place that was a sort of vacuum of that and thus None ever seeped through my pores. But yes, we'll give him some bullshit about a farm. Thank you. All right. That seems like a fine note to go out on. Mr. Dennis Prager, everybody. Thank you. Thank you very much. I am—

Wait, wait, wait. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Mr. Adam Carolla, everybody.

Adam, I love the, uh, narration that you did on your audiobook, In 50 Years We'll All Be Chicks. Oh, thank you. I bought it.

You did what?

I Wrote a book called In 50 Years We'll All Be Chicks. I bought it on audible.com, which sponsors the podcast. Everybody support the podcast. When he came, thank you. Click through the Amazon link. Um, I think it would be great if maybe you could possibly narrate Dennis's new book and add some colorful language to punctuate the point. I think that would be fantastic.

That's great.

I was hoping to get Dennis to agree to that, both of you to agree to that tonight. We call it punching it up in the business.

So where I would have, for example, Soviet leader Brezhnev, you would add that piece of shit Soviet leader.

Right.

I, I, it's great. An X-rated version of my book.

Yes. Right. Yeah, I would mispronounce Brezhnev, but Yeah, other than that, yeah. And let me tell you something else about this bratwurst douchebag.

That's good, that's good. I'm gonna mention it to HarperCollins. I think there's something there.

My first question is, if you were to die tonight, would you go to heaven? And my second question is, do you care about eternity? Eternity, did you say? Yeah. Yeah, that's for me. Or both of us. I have this belief, or sort of my religious view is this. I am comfortable with being an atheist. If there is in fact a God, he would not judge a person that paid his taxes, loved his children, did not covet his neighbor's ox, except for when he'd had a couple of beers. And my neighbor has a fine ox, so I believe God would make— I believe that the God that we speak of would judge a person like me who did no harm to other human beings and tried to bring bring laughter and tried to bring some wisdom and tried to bring some happiness to his family and to those who heard him, I believe I would get a sort of a, you know, look at St. Peter and say, ah, give him a break, you know, he's got a, he's got a laminate, let him in.

I look, I, I know that many don't agree. I happen to agree with you. The, this was great, or part— I am the biggest fan of America's Christians. They have created— they created, not Jews, not Muslims, not Buddhists, not atheists— they created the greatest country in the world. Okay? That's just a fact. Having said that, I also recognize that there are obviously theological divides between my religion, Judaism, and Christianity. If there were no theological divide, then we'd all be in the same religion. But I was taught from grade zero that the deepest belief of Judaism is that God does in fact reward based on behavior, not faith. And so I believe, as you do, that you will have the appropriate reward. Now, you may be shocked. Maybe the appropriate reward is elsewhere. But I—

I've instructed my loved ones to bury me with a nice roll of 20s just in case I have to grease a few palms in the afterlife.

That's good. That's good.

Do we have a question on this side?

Yeah.

Statement. First of all, big fan. Of you, Adam. Thank you, Dennis. The first time I've heard you, and big fan now.

Wow. You know, I really was— I was really— I— that's very sweet. Thank you. I thought he'd say, first time I've heard you and the last.

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I, I was really— I had already formed the, uh, signed up for the long haul.

This is the second show, went to both of them. Wow. And the first show, Dennis Dennis, you were saying you were going to work on Adam. You were going to talk to him first, get him from being an atheist to hopefully agnostic, and then at one point have a belief, right? Something that I, you know, I'm gonna hope that you do as a believer, because as hearing you guys talk, believing in heaven, I want you guys there because I would love to sit and watch this for eternity and just this be the rest of my existence. That would be be heaven for me. So whatever you view it as, you know what that reminds me of?

I have to say, and I appreciate that, no cash bar, right?

As long as you're buying, it doesn't matter.

When I was in Bud Lights for you, when I was in 5th grade, I was in—

thank you—

I was in a yeshiva. Yeshiva, for those of you who don't know, is an Orthodox, uh, Jewish parochial school. So it's total, you know, an enclosed world of Orthodox Judaism. You Jewish subjects in Hebrew in the first half of the day, and then secular subjects in English.

Ultimate Fighting in the second half?

Ultimate— yes, very good. You knew.

I know.

So, uh, I'll never forget, in 5th grade, I raised my hand and I asked, Rabbi, uh, could you please tell me— I'm very curious— what's going to happen in heaven? And the rabbi looked at me with total seriousness and I— and said, in heaven you study Torah forever. And I remember thinking, I don't want to go, with all respect, because I pictured being in his class for eternity, and I thought, maybe hell isn't that bad. I, I don't know. So when I hear this, us talking for eternity, it reminds me of You know, my rabbi's class.

One of the notes I made, and I know you have some for me, some questions for me. This is just more of a statement, and since we're talking about the meaning of life, and tonight would hopefully be a little more than, you know, telling colorful anecdotes about getting into radio, but more of, you know, what is life and our philosophy and things like that. One of the things I think is really important, and it's gonna sound a little strange, is balance. And I don't mean balance as a metaphor. I mean physically having balance and then taking that into your daily life. I have always had really bizarre balance. I could ride a unicycle cycle when I was 8 years old. I could tip a chair back, although I've had a couple of beers, I'd probably end up concussed on the floor if I tried it right now. But I think— and Dennis, I'm sure this is not something you practice at all, just by the look on your face.

Well, forgive me, you're telling me that physical balance is important?

I— yes.

Well, on a scale of 1 being completely insignificant and 10 being life-shaping, what would you say physical balance would be?

Well, uh, the, the, uh, to be balanced, 5. It's in the, it's in the eye of the balancer. I, I have, I have 5-year-old twins, and my son does not give a crap about me and my balance. But my daughter, I had up on that sort of double-ended board, you know, the one with the cylinder in it that just has the sort of flat snowboard in the middle of it, and you can kind of do this with it. And I got her up to 31 seconds of Daddy not touching her while she did this. But I told her, and I tell everybody this who is trying to learn to ride a cycle or balance something or something, pick a point. Don't look around. Pick a point. I told her to pick a point, probably a sweat mark on Daddy's chest, and stare at it. And if you stare at it, you will balance. If you break off or look the other way or my son comes running by or makes a noise, you'll fall off. And personally, in my life, I've always felt that balance balance is important. I mean, whether you use it as a metaphor or not, you balance your professional career, your family career, your music, your cigars, your, your, your, your, uh, orchestrating, your conducting. And, you know, I mean, the, the idea that you have a life that is balanced— I'm curious. For me, it's a, it's a physical thing that has moved its way into the metaphor world, but is it important to you? Because I do know people who do nothing but one thing, and I sort of feel for them. They're rich and they seem to be happy with the one thing that they're doing.

Well, there's a lot of wisdom in what you said. First, let me be, let me be honest. I never learned to ride a bike.

A bike?

A bike.

Forget unicycle.

I know, two wheels. Uh, my parents gave up on me when I fell off the tricycle.

Wow.

It was very— it was—

no, that was the worst 19th birthday, Dennis Prager.

That's right. I finally learned to ride a bike about 10 years ago, uh, which is, which is to my credit that I would still try to do it. But no, it's, it's sickening to me that I— that it took so long, to be honest. But, uh, that was That's not one of my gifts. But balanced life, yeah, that I've always felt. And you mentioned a lot of the things that— that's why I speak a lot about how important hobbies are to me, and they always were. I love— I like to balance seriousness and goofiness, which people who listen to the show tend to hear. So I think there's a lot of wisdom to that. And the third thing you said, which was very wise. I was just talking recently— the very, very rich, I mean the very, very rich, uh, they— everyone that I've ever met, I haven't met many, but I suspect they represent the rest of that group— are mono-focused, right? All that matters is making that amount of money. And that's why I knew very early in my life I will never be particularly rich, and I won't be, because it doesn't matter that to me.

Yes, a microcosm. And by the way, they're monofocused because they're looking at life through a monocle, which is— I've seen how the very rich dress, and when they're upset, it drops right into their brandy snifter.

You know, that's right.

It's sort of a micro version of that, just is show business. And you probably feel this a a little as well, which is if you just want to focus on one facet of show business, you can get rich. If you want to lecture and if you want to write books and if you want to do a radio show and if everything sounds interesting to you and you spread yourself out in 20 different directions, you'll be satisfied but probably not rich.

We in radio, in talk radio, radio are all generalists, right? When you think about it, if we knew one thing really well, we could not do our show, right? Because if any call would be on another subject or anything else is in the news, you'd have nothing to say. So none of— it's, it's fast. Every single one who is good at radio— and I have a theory on that which I'll share with you, you'll find this very interesting, I think, uh, listen to this. This is— this I I came up with this a number of years ago, and it still remains true in my mind at any rate. Very, very few people can play the violin, right? A tiny, tiny percentage of humanity can play the violin. Everybody can speak. Yet there are far more great violinists than great speakers.

I think you just made that point by that super boring violin analogy.

Well, maybe.

I'm here to crack wise people. That's, you know, no, that's a, that's, that's a good—

we got a 10-minute circuitous route to how he became on radio. I give 30 seconds.

I rode a unicycle at a semi-professional level, and I'm not going to sit here and be ridiculed by a man who fell over on a trike.

Oh no, it's embarrassing, but I, I was open with— but I'm, I'm not kidding about the speaking thing, right? It's very Where our job is, and I'm curious if you thought about this, our job is to have the listener think this is the easiest job in the world. Yeah, you just sit there, you got a microphone, you just, you know, shoot the breeze. But it's very hard.

Yes, it's like sex if you're doing—

No, it is not.

No, no, what I'm saying is I differ.

I differ.

If you're doing it right, it seems very natural. It seems very organic. That's it.

Well, what does it mean to do it wrong?

Well, there's chafing and oftentimes extra tipping.

I'm sorry, that was a wrong request. Okay.

No, the, the, the, the, yes, the, the notion, uh, if you're doing your job right, everyone who's listening should think they could do it.

That's it. That's exactly it.

That's a horrible profession, by the way. Why? Well, because what if everybody in the plane thought, I should be flying this fucker. This is nothing.

That's a good point. Yeah, that's right. But that's the truth. That is what is— that's our job. That is our job on the thing is for you to think it's effortless and we're just—

And then how much How much— so we both do a daily show. I do a podcast, you do a radio program, but it's the same muscles.

Yes, exactly.

How much of your off time is consumed with scratching out notes on things and seeing— yeah, I mean, wherever you are.

It's frightening.

Everything is fodder.

Everything. Do either of you like to fall asleep to the TV?

No, I don't. I have I have what's been, what Dr. Drew diagnosed with hypervigilance. So I can't fall asleep while things are moving or on. I have to put earplugs in and an eye shade on and the ceiling fan and drown everything out in red wine and Bore-Tex.

And she?

She'd fall asleep while I'm talking to her. And that's it. While she's driving at noon.

Well, when I go up and if my wife— I try to be in bed so we could snuggle. We'll just leave that where it is. And, but in any event, often I will come in and so she's there, the TV is on, sometimes she's already asleep. And it's a very amazing— my wife, I wonder if it's idiosyncratic. I don't No, my wife, who's very much into history, nevertheless, every night for at least a year and a half, I come into the room and it's the Hitler channel. Yeah, I mean, it's the only way I could put it. It's called the Military Channel, but it's really the Hitler channel, right? It's Hitler's on. My wife falls asleep to the Nazis. I know I couldn't do that.

Hitler, first off, has had more spin-offs than Happy Days in terms of— it's a cottage industry. Because they started with like Hitler, this, you know, the man, the man you didn't know. And then it got to Hitler and his bunker, and then it was Hitler and his henchmen, right? And, you know, Hitler and his secret army. And now it's like Hitler and a guy named Steve he sort of knew. I mean, they just, they just keep going with Hitler and stuff he may or may not— here's a place Hitler was never— here are countries Hitler never invaded. There's an hour, you know what I mean? Here's a list of appliances that were invented after Hitler's death. But they get Hitler in there and they tie it in and you get sucked into—

now I know how, how it happens. You have answered it.

Yes, that's—

no matter as ethnic groups Hitler didn't kill.

Right, right. There's 35 shows. They're sort of like Tyler Perry is today, which is just— I mean, Hitler's not as bad as Tyler Perry. What I'm saying is— no, what I'm saying is he puts his name on a lot of different stuff, you know what I'm saying?

Who's Tyler Perry?

There you go. See, that's right.

I'm sorry, I admit it. Who is he?

Tyler Perry. Tyler Perry is a gentleman of color who Oprah has endorsed, who writes movies and television shows and kids' books and makes everything, and it is consumed by the black community even though it's subpar. The writing is horrible, I mean, to be honest, on the Tyler Perry stuff.

All right, now I got one for you. Who is Lavrenti Berry?

That was one of Hitler's favorites.

Now, Klaus, he was the head of the Soviet secret police under Stalin.

Well, there you go. He's bad.

I just thought I'd throw in a name that you didn't know.

Stalin—

Who's worse?

Yeah, I mean, you got to think of body count.

Sheer number of bodies, Stalin killed more. That's right. Yeah. By the way, it's in my—

So if you were, as a Jew, They both took some Jews, right? Who do you— if you could, one of them wasn't born, you get one or the other.

I have never— I've thought about who is more evil, so to speak, which is not answerable. But if one were not to be born, the irony is if Stalin were not born, then communism might well have died after Lenin's death. Death, and then there would have been less of an excuse for Nazism to arise to fight Bolshevism, and Hitler would have had one less argument to give, might not have arisen to power. So I'd have to argue that way. But having said that, uh, in the annals of pure sadistic evil, the Holocaust is, is unique, right? But the, the—

you got to pick one and You pick Stalin?

Let's move on. No, no, that's a very powerful question, actually. It is. I love those sorts of questions. The trick is I'm trying to remove any emotional fact of my being Jewish from the answer, because you can't base it on, well, it was my group. Then it's not a fair answer, right? Because obviously then a Ukrainian would say Stalin because Stalin killed about 5, 6 million Ukrainians. So it's— I guess on the sheer level of numbers and the fact that Stalin— I would say Stalin, and I'll tell you the reason.

So you love Hitler? We can go to Q&A now.

No, no, I want to tell you why. This is a very serious question. It's very fun. No, here's why. Stalin made World War II possible because of his pact with Hitler. That gave the green light to Hitler to invade westward because he knew he wouldn't be invaded from the east.

Right.

And so had there not been a Stalin to make a pact with Hitler, there wouldn't have been a World War II as we know it, and then there wouldn't have been a Holocaust.

Can you believe that, you know, there's certain things in life where you sort of think, wow, how did this continue as long as it continued? And for me, it's the Berlin Wall. I can't believe that that thing made it well into the '80s. And I remember especially folks in my family who are very left-leaning because they rely heavily on the government. But the thing that's ironic is the more you get from the government, the more you despise the government as well, which is interesting. Any of you who are successful or become successful and have to lend money to relatives, you will realize quickly that they resent resent the hell out of you, and you will not get Christmas cards, ironically, from those relatives you give the most to. So there's an element— it's really shame that turns into resentment. They feel shame for having to put their hand out, but that shame quickly turns into resentment for the person that sort of filled that shame vacuum, which is you and your checkbook. But I can't remember what I was talking about. What was I talking about? Oh yes, when the Berlin Wall went down and I think Reagan called them an evil empire before that, I remember people in this country being outraged. Where does he get off calling them— Sting's gonna write a song saying they love their children too. Remember the outrage in this country because somebody had the temerity to point a finger at a nation and say what you're doing is evil? Evil and essentially judging in this horrible, you can't judge society that somehow we formed. I like judging. I'm glad he judged. I think we should do more of that. There's modern-day equivalents to that. There are nations that are evil and they need to be called out as evil.

Well, look, you're absolutely right. Yeah. That, uh, I grew up It's redundant to say liberal Jew, but I grew up a liberal Jew in New York. I went to Columbia. I mean, I'm the classic liberal. And it took years for me to understand how morally troubled that world is, morally confused. And what did it was communism, because one thing I knew was communism was evil, that it rivaled Nazism, uh, in its evil, and the inability to say it was evil that the entire left-of-center world declared. Who are you to judge? Just like you said. And the, the, uh, the way they, uh, excoriated Reagan for making what it should have— people should have yawned when he said the Soviet Union was an evil empire. It was obviously an empire and it was obviously evil, uh, but they, but they They didn't. And then with Bush, when he said that Kim Il-sung's North Korea and Saddam Hussein's Iraq and Ahmadinejad's Iran were an axis of evil, the same eruption. Well, if they're not an axis of evil, then the word evil doesn't belong in the dictionary. And the truth is, for the left, the only thing that is evil is making a judgment about evil.

Right.

And so you're right. And that's what started me on my long trip toward conservatism.

Thank you. Thank you. I thought maybe we'd just start quickly because there's some Adam Carolla fans, some Dennis Prager fans here with just a little background. We touched on it in the first show, but I don't know how you got into radio.

My theory is that I don't know anybody in radio who grew up saying, "Yeah, you know, when I get older, I want to be in radio." Right. I mean, you know any 8-year-old who has said that? "Yeah, I'd like to be on radio." Maybe television, maybe movies. Yeah. You're right. A surgeon.

Astronaut pilot is what I wanted to be.

Really?

Yeah. No. I had no— I wanted a job that paid $10 an hour. That's as high as I could dream. But it really, it really was. But I had a weird route into radio. I don't know what yours was.

That's what I'm saying. Everybody's is a weird— you tell your weird route, I'll tell mine.

I had always worked construction, so the radio was my friend, and I listened to talk radio almost exclusively. And I used to listen to you, and I'd listen to— it just, it was almost like when I— not when you were on, but when other people were on. It was, you know, when you're leaving and your wife says, turn the radio on for the dog. I just wanted to hear some English coming through a speaker. That's all, right? That's all I wanted when I was swinging a hammer out here in the Southland for all those years. So I I always listen to radio. And at a certain point I thought, well, geez, that's easy. I mean, I could do that. There was that thought. And, you know, it's an interesting thing that we should probably touch on, which is, you know, you should definitely chase your dreams, but let's be realistic. If you're, you know, 5'0" and you have no vertical leap, you're probably not going to make it in the NBA. So let's go ahead and squash that dream, right? Right now, which is not enough dream squashing in this city, I've found. A lot of actors, comedians, and models that are getting into their 60s who are just doing a horrible job at delivering my sandwich to my table, minds spent busily thinking about the dream. And by the way, recognizing me and telling me about the dream, which I'm tired of hearing. I thought, wow, if I could just do this. And I was working as a boxing instructor in the morning. Does that sound— why is that so?

On that, I'll tell you why. Just on that basis alone, which is the Italian and which is the Jew?

Working construction.

You ever hear of a Jewish Jewish boxing instructor?

Carpenter boxing instructor.

Jesus— Carpenter is big. Carpenter is big. I agree.

Jesus was a carpenter.

Jesus was a Jewish carpenter.

The only difference is I didn't gouge the elderly. That's— Trying to lighten the mood here, Dennis.

All right. Okay.

I was teaching my boxing in the morning and then I was doing my carpentry in the daytime and I was driving over the hill, over Laurel Canyon, and I heard on KROQ them talking. Then Jimmy the sports guy, who's now Jimmy Kimmel, hanging out with Oprah tomorrow night, of all people, by the way. Oh yes, we started the Man Show as the anti- The Oprah Show, and now he is warming himself against her warm brown bosom. But that's Jimmy. I'm keeping it real out here with Dennis.

So, back to radio.

Yeah, sorry. I digress. I was driving my truck over the hill with an entertainment unit in the back of it that I was going to deliver to a customer, and I heard Jimmy doing his sports, and he actually said that Bobby McFerrin, the black singer who sings "Don't Worry, Be Happy," broke his leg on a ski slope. And then he said, "What's a black guy doing skiing?" Seemed funny at the time. It was the '90s. It was a different era.

It was a circuitous route to radio. Yes.

And Michael the maintenance man, who was a black man, rushed in and started a fight with Jimmy, and they decided they should have a boxing match, like morning radio shows are apt to do. And I, driving my truck, decided that I needed to train one of them for this boxing match. And they said, we need trainers, we need equipment, we need a venue, and I thought I could be that trainer. Not to train Jimmy, just either one of them. And long story short, I became Jimmy's trainer, and I sent him out in the second round with no mouthpiece. I remember that. I was that focused on comedy at the time. He lost the fight, but I gained a lifelong friend, and he got me into radio.

Oh my God.

God. Yeah, thank you.

All I can say is, uh, after hearing that story, if anybody should not be an atheist, it is you. Oh, that's a good one. I mean, that, that really sounds directed.

Yes, yes, yes. I, I—

mine is unbelievably simple. I, uh, I was lecturing out here in LA. A woman heard me give a lecture, uh, she She was Roberta Weintraub. She was then the head of the Board of Education in LA. Then George Greene, who was the head of KABC, needed a new host for a program called Religion on the Line, where a moderator moderated a priest, rabbi, and minister each week. And he said, I want somebody who knows religion, knows how to speak, and isn't a clergyman. She said, oh, I heard this young kid. I was 32. 34. I heard this young guy. "Hey, there's a kid, he speaks really well and he knows religion and he knows how to speak and he's not a clergyman. Let's try him out." So they tried me out and at 11 PM, was on from 10 to midnight, this was one of the great moments of my life and I mean it, it was. There were no ads because it was a program that was called public, whatever it is, you know, you give, they don't do it anymore I don't think. Public programming, you gave it, so they gave 2 hours a week, commercial-free for this show.

Yeah, they do it in the wee hours and the off hours. The FCC wouldn't give you a license unless you gave away X amount of this sort of program.

So needless to say, 2 hours of commercial-free radio is equivalent to about 5 hours of broadcasting. And, uh, we had the show on Sunday night. Then at 11 PM, Wally Sherwin, uh, the, the program director, slips me a note, the greatest note I ever received: 'Tell them you'll be on next week.' Wow. And that began my life, and that's, that's how it happened. And I, I was so nervous actually that I, I dripped sweat on the microphone, and I thought people could hear it. And, and that they— I really, I had this whole scenario in my mind that they envisioned me broadcasting outside and it was drizzling, and I, I I felt very self-conscious, but I was very nervous. But I knew going in, if this works, it will change my entire life. And it did. And it was a dream. Here's a question to probe who you are.

Sure.

Okay. What's your biggest vice?

Uh, I like, uh, red wine.

That's your biggest vice? Well, if I— you are a holy man.

German stump porn and in front of a large group of people. They're going to turn on me, Dennis.

OK. So that's it?

Well, I mean, I don't— you know, there are things—

Well, you said you didn't gamble.

Well, yeah, there are things that people— it depends what falls under the heading of vice. And by the way, I mean, I like a good vice answer. I don't like when someone says, I'm a chocoholic. Oh, shut up. Right. Everyone strung out on methadone in the room is very happy that you're a chocoholic. I would say that my— if I had an emotional vice, to be honest with you, I love mechanics and mechanical things, and I love automobiles and vintage automobiles, and I have almost an obsession with racing vintage cars and building vintage cars.

Like Jay Leno, a sort of thing?

Yeah, yeah. Well, Jay's— it's very broad with Jay. Jay has, you know, every car ever built. I mean, literally, literally steam-powered this. And I've always joked with Jay— I'll digress and get back to this— but somebody 40 years from now, some school kid, is going to write one of those book reports or reports on Jay Leno, like you would do, you know, when I was a kid, you write one on Hank Aaron or something like that. And then it'll say, and in 2031, he died in a steam car accident. And the teacher's going to go, wait a minute, we had hovercrafts. What do you mean? Research this again. He wasn't— they didn't have steam cars, but that's— he will drive around. And yes, he has a crazed obsession with that. I have an obsession with specifically the vintage race cars and then driving said specific vintage race cars. And why? Now, it's not a vice monetarily, although costs a lot of money. The cars end up being worth more than I paid for them at some point. But it is sort of an emotional vice because I find myself at times sitting around looking for stuff on eBay while my kids are behind me playing around, and I get the tug on the arm and it's, uh, not now, Daddy's trying to find Paul Newman's racing helmet from the 1979 IMSA series. And I, I know It doesn't exactly— it's not the stuff junkie dreams are made of, but there is an emotional checked-out vice that sort of transcends vice, if you know what I'm talking about. I don't know if you're guilty.

I totally do. It's not exactly a vice, but the obsessive nature of it and the ability— can you spend hours looking for this stuff? On the internet?

I can think about it. I think about it way more than I think about— more than I should think about it, honestly. My wife and kids knew how much I actually thought about it. They'd be disgusted.

This is, you know, I have a million vices, but if we're going to use vice in this sense, one of my idiosyncrasies is better perhaps than vice, is every time I I hear a point, I try to make a generalization from it. So I'm listening to this and I'm thinking, this is so male, because you— I can't— well, I'm sure it exists. I can't imagine a woman sitting in front of a computer and, uh, being obsessed with getting Paul Newman's racing, uh, helmet, right? It's just— there may be such a woman, but she's rare.

She's out there. I'd like you to introduce me to her. Or you just say—

No, no, it was theoretical. It was theoretical, exactly.

Don't get me going.

No, no, I won't. But we do that, whatever it is. Guys think about one thing at a time. Right. And women somewhat both envy and resent our ability to do that.

Yeah.

Because they can think of 7 things at one time. You know my theory on the brains? If men were given a woman's brain for an hour, they would all kill themselves. No, no, I believe that. I'm not joking. They'd go, "Oh, I can't take it. I can't take it. I'm going crazy." The noise, the sheer amount of noise, the amount of conversations going on. We never have a conversation going on.

I don't know if we'd be smart enough to kill ourselves in an hour. I mean, stabbing yourself with yarn and things like that, I don't know.

Oh, that's right. That's interesting. I'd never thought of that possibility. On the other hand, if women were given our brain, this is how they would react. Free!

Free at last!

Because nothing is going on. There's—

it's the truth.

We admit it. One thing is going on. We— it's either a hobby or women. And I mean, that's right. That is a fact. And so it's a very— so your thing, this— when you're— that's the point. When you're preoccupied with the cars issue on the internet, if your kid, God forbid, were choking to death—

unless it was on one of my miniature diecast cars. Yeah. Okay. No problem. Right, but if he—

that, that's what you're eating, a feature toy or Lego or something? Yeah, no, exactly. That's why you need both sexes. I'm serious, that is why. Yeah, they wake up when the kid is choking.

I, I— great, kid's purple, hitting me. Not now.

That's exactly—

Daddy's found some rims from some guy in Indiana.

Exactly right.

It's a very high user rating. Now hold on. Yeah, there's also though to be— and Dennis and I agree, and I've gotten into hot water with the gay and lesbian community about this many times because as you know, you'll make a statement that is just what you consider a fact, and not only a fact in your mind, but just a cosmic fact. And then somebody will twist it just a little bit and make a point, an example out of you, which is, you know, I've said many times, if something happened to my wife and I, I would like my kids raised by a mom and a dad, if somebody were to raise my twins. Now, if it was a mom and a dad who lived in a trailer up on cinder blocks and were cooking up meth somewhere outside of Riverside versus David Geffen and his partner Désirée, give them to Geffen. You know what I mean? I'd give them the gay couple if the gay couple had a better environment, could provide a better home.

Things being equal.

Things being equal. And the answer that I get whenever I argue with someone about this is, okay, so let's say there's two rich, nurturing, loving gay men who live in a triple-gated community versus—

Yeah, of course.

You're crack addicted.

Right.

Ma Barker. Ma Barker. Ma Barker.

Right.

And Right.

Yeah.

Living right. In squalor.

But you just said all things being.

Started it. Yes. With that. Yes. Because there are things my wife can provide.

Right.

That I certainly can't provide. And then there are things I can provide that she can't provide. Like money on occasion. Would it be nice.

Do you spend more on your dog or on your wife's clothing?

Wow. I just— I just had this—

Because we established in my house the dog.

I just had this conversation.

And I don't want that. By the way, I was not happy to establish that.

I was just having a knowing, bittersweet conversation with your wife backstage about my dog Molly, the Labrador who—

Without an ear.

Well, it's worse than just an ear amputation. First we got the, we can do a partial ear amputation. By the way, I only hear cash registers being rung up. That's exactly right. And they say, and the vet says she thinks there's a good chance that she can save her eyesight if she does the retinal surgery. How much? Cha-ching, cha-ching. You just keep hearing it rolling and rolling and rolling. She, first off, she's diabetic, so she requires special food, cha-ching, you know, an insulin shot on a nightly basis. She had a partial ear amputation, which could have worked, but it didn't work, so she had to go back for the whole ear amputation. And she also, she had a tumor in her chest that was removed, and she went blind but had cataract surgery on one of her eyes. Again, just cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching. And I always just have this theory with veterinarians that they don't have set prices. 'Cause their clientele can't talk. It's not like the Schnauzer and my lab are at a park going, hey, what'd that ear amputation set you back? $7,300. Same guy, I could have it done for under $4,000. It never happened. It never happens. I think, and I've said this many times, the veterinarian sees my wife pull up in the Jag crying and carrying a purebred and goes, get out, get out the abacus, because this is going to be good. Like, actually, like, I want to hire a hobo and a primered van, right, to bring Molly in.

Very smart.

And just grab, you know, reach in that pocket, just grab a handful of, you know, just quarters, dollars, and spent condoms and just put them down on the table and go, that's all I got for her, doc. Now what about the Hippocratic Oath?

I got a worse story.

I have at least—

I have a worse—

$12 grand into this dog in the last year and far more than my parents spent on me my entire life. Okay, easily, easily.

All right, 1 minute, my turn. All right, all right. And just think of this next time was it Molly? Molly has a cataract. I spent nearly $2,000 removing a tortoise penis. I swear to God, my wife came in the marriage.

Yeah. Oh, it— what? That's not a name for a condition.

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A penis, because my buddy Ray could do something called the turtle. He called it the turtle.

You know what, excuse me, I gave you great sympathy with your sob story.

He had a tortoise.

And, and my, uh, my condition has now entered the picture. Uh, my wife came into our marriage with two gigantic tortoises. I mean, they're really something. They are like 40 pounds, 35, 40 pounds. One day we realized one is not moving at all, although it's very hard to tell if a tortoise is moving. You have to do time-lapse photography to actually know they have moved. And anyway, so one wasn't moving at all and was very lethargic, and we noticed that sticking out from his rear was was what looked like a big red blob, and it never— and I thought that it was an organ. Well, it was, uh, um, an internal organ.

Sure.

That never should be outside. Anyway, be that as it may, for whatever reason, it turned out that he, uh, he could not retract his penis. Right. Which, which is a blessing for some, But a curse for most.

Well, you can only attempt to have sex with so many trash cans before—

Well, I might add, we don't know the sex of the other tortoise. I just thought I'd mention that. And anyway, there is actually in Santa Monica a veterinarian who knew what to do, and he knew how to remove the penis permanently, uh, uh, for, uh, what was it, $1,800?

You say whatever number you want. No one will be in the audience goes, I just had my tortoise's penis removed. That's a gross overstatement. $449 out the door. You and your hyperbole. You Jews and your inflation. You say whatever number you want.

But I really tell the truth, it was about $1,800. So just know what, you know, your friend Dennis spent good money on. And I also was cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching. I totally had that.

And that was a tortoise penis.

And it was a tortoise penis. That was not Molly, who you can relate to. You can't relate to a tortoise.

No.

Exist, right? That's all they do.

No. Yes, they're just like— all you have with them is one day you'll make a fine ashtray. That's about as close as you ever get to a tortoise, right?

But I will not have the opportunity to use it as an ashtray because they outlive us.

Oh, that's right, that's right.

So I'll give it to your kids.

You're a religious man, I'm an atheist. Okay, if there is God. Yeah, why would he make tortoises live to 150? What goddamn use does that have? Because there's no wisdom that's going to be imparted. There's nothing they're going to do except for take up space and eat plant life. I mean, what kind of God?

I got a much better one. All right, why did God make the mosquito? At least tortoises don't annoy you.

I have a million questions for God so we could enjoy the movie Jurassic Park.

That's why he made tortoises, is that right?

No, that's the mosquito. You gotta watch. Oh, somebody's, somebody's Netflix is expired, buddy. You haven't seen Jurassic Park?

I have, but I don't remember the mosquito part.

You guys remember, right?

Oh, all right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

The, the mosquito took the blood from the dinosaur.

I was probably I was reading a book at the time.

Oh, you.

Yeah, I think.

You're one of those readers. Yeah. But you're not one of those asswipes that claims not to watch TV or doesn't own a TV, which is worse.

I'm not one of those asswipes?

Yes.

So in other words, by definition, one who doesn't watch TV is an asswipe. It was a loaded question.

That was a really loaded question. I don't— Look, if you're incarcerated and you can't You can only get to the one with the cage around it and the big guy's got the remote, I'll give you a pass. Okay. And today's 500 channels and high-def, you should be watching golf.

This is what I watch and it is— this is— everybody ought to analyze this. It's very funny when you go to bed. Does your wife like to fall asleep to TV?

She likes to fall asleep to any appliance that's on, even if it's not in the room. She likes— she loves to burn kilowatts. That's her thing. She'll turn a space heater on in July in the garage just so she can sleep knowing she's wasting my money while she's planning her next surgery for the dog.

Gotcha.

Yes.

My son— what was it? I just told the story. Oh yes, my younger son, he's 19, he's a total slob. Like every male that I know was and remains. And so he— total slob, finally moved out of the house last week. He's studying and he's got an apartment. And so he talked to me the other night and told me how he now vacuums every day, how he takes off his shoes before walking into his one-bedroom little apartment lest he dirty the carpet. He does his laundry, uses soap in the shower. This was an unbelievable moment. But, uh, well, leaving that aside, I said, wow, why, why are you doing all these things? He said, 'Cause Mom isn't there to do it. And I said, now you know my, my fight with the entitlement state, right? That's exactly right? If, if, if Uncle Sam is there to do it, you won't do anything to take care of yourself, right? And that's, uh, yeah.

And possibly he's gay, but that's just a— that's a— you know what, possible, possible. What's wrong with—

hey, I didn't say he decorated it. I said he cleaned it.

Now, I agree because I come from welfare and I come from food stamps and my mom was on welfare and my mom is a living, breathing example of what you're talking about. I grew up, I lived in a house, but it was my grandmother's second house that she bought for $10,000 in 1951 as a rental, and my mom ended up just living there rent-free. And then she got her stipend from the state, she got her welfare check, and she got her food stamps. And between the no mortgage, no rent, just enough to get by, she literally was in a hole holding pattern over the world's worst airport her entire life. And I don't know what she could have done, and she doesn't know what she could have done. She's still with us. She's still— eventually my grandmother passed on, and now she's looking to move into grandmother's second house, which is— it's funny and pathetic at the same But she has no idea what she could have became if she was pushed, right? If not by, you know, a coach or a teacher, but by necessity. She didn't— I said to her once, naively, in one of the worst mother-son conversations ever, ever to go down, When I was about 9, I just sort of looked around and, you know, because every answer was, "We have no money, we can't afford this." And, you know, when you're young you say, "I want a minibike and I want to go here and I want to do that." And they said, "We can't, we have no money." And so at a certain point, because when you're a kid you don't really understand how things work, I said, "Well, I know we don't have any money, but maybe if you got a job—" You were a conservative and a parent early? Yeah, and she said, "If I got a job, I would lose our welfare." Wow. And I was like, "All right, I'll be sleeping over at Teddy's house tonight." And yeah, and it was— the message was sent to me early and often, what can happen. And what people are capable of. And Dennis, you and I have not discussed this on or off the air, but I have this belief that people, and almost everyone universally, is capable of great things and capable of almost nothing within the same person. You know, if your plane goes down in the Andes, you're capable of a lot. Because you have to survive. And you hear these stories and we call these people heroes, but all they are is doing what any one of us would attempt to do if our life was at stake. Or there's the story where the rich uncle or dad kicks off and leaves you the chunk of change and you end up doing a bunch of blow and hanging out with prostitutes. Dennis, tell me if I'm getting too close to home, here. And you get strung out on Angry Birds and mac and cheese, and the next thing you know, you're 60 years old. I mean, the greatest thing that ever happened to me was not winning the lottery. That's right. And not having parents that had money.

I— my— if I had 10 life-changing moments, one was at the age of, uh, I guess 14 when I made my first money, and it was shoveling snow. I grew up in New York, and I shoveled Mr. Klein's driveway for $8. $8 then was a lot of money, and I probably— I did get a hernia.

It's still a lot of money to my mom.

Okay, to most of us it's not a lot of money. So I worked all day. I worked many hours, and I gave him a driveway price, not an hourly price. It was a big mistake, but okay. So I got $8 for doing— and I don't know how many of you have shoveled snow, by the way. Did you ever shovel snow? You grew up here.

Well, North Hollywood, the winters were pretty harsh. Okay. Sometimes it would dip down in the 70s.

You have no idea how much a shovel of snow weighs, especially with water and sleet. Right. No, it was terrible. Anyway, so I I did it. And I immediately took the $8 and I walked the mile to where the stores were near our house in Brooklyn, New York. And I bought 2 Hardy Boy books and Clue, the board game Clue. And I looked at those books and at that game for about a year with such pride. I bought that, right? And it— and I didn't draw any conclusions about politics. I should have. That is the essence of the conservative versus liberal view. That, A, self-esteem comes from actually doing something worthy of esteem. Number 2, that you should be rewarded for hard effort. That the guy who worked nothing shouldn't be able to get his Hardy Boy books. It's the guy who worked hard who should be able to get Hardy Boy books, and that's immediately inequality. I got 2 more Hardy Boy books and a Clue game than the guy who did nothing and watched TV. And so it was, in retrospect, I realized what it was, but it was emotionally riveting. Wow, what a great feeling to be rewarded for work. And that's how I've looked at it to this day.

Well, I completely concur. One of, uh, a pretty big Hardy Boys fan up there in the second row. That'll be a great metaphor when you're confronting the guys from Occupy Wall Street.

You all want my Hardy Boy books. And my Clue game.

And my Clue game. Right. But you can pry them out of my cold dead hands. That's right. Well, one of my biggest regrets, and I have thoughts on happiness versus satisfaction, I'd like to remind me to talk about that as soon as I tell you quickly, I grew up, you know, I got out of high school. I didn't go to college. I began digging ditches.

By the way, forgive me, you have not gone to college? No. This I'm telling you, the consistency of the people who have wisdom who never went to college is frightening to me. It really is. College is a wisdom crusher. It is. It is. I mean that literally. If you leave— if you leave college wise, it's because you were inebriated for 4 years and didn't learn anything. Right.

Well, I'm going to go for 6 years for my twins because they don't seem to be— I know, and I have mixed feelings about this with my kids because, you know, of course my wife is like, hey, they're going to college. But first off, what does that count for anymore? And secondly, I've had the uncomfortable conversation with my wife. I don't know if you've taken a look in the mirror in a while, but I'm not college material. I was never college material. She isn't exactly Harvard faculty. I don't know who— unless the Guatemalan nanny can impart some scholastic wisdom into these children. I don't know if they're getting past Pierce or LA Valley College. I— a couple things. I always, you know, so I grew up on a construction site, or I should say spent my, you know, years after high school just digging ditches and swinging. I worked from labor. And something I think you'll appreciate, along the same lines with the sort of right and the left in our sort of super hip liberal friends who live in Santa Monica and drive the Priuses with the "Coexist" bumper stickers on them, which do not benefit anyone else at the Whole Foods in Santa Monica. We don't need to tell those Birkenstock folks to get along with other cultures. They're doing just fine. I tell them all the time, you know, when I say, hey, maybe we should beef up I open up the border a little bit, they go, well, you know, who's going to dig your ditches and who's going to flip your burgers and who's going to put— and I go, poor people. Stop being— you're being racist because I flipped burgers and I dug ditches and so did the rest of my blue-eyed or at least semi-blue-eyed friends with me. We dug ditches for $8 an hour and worked my way up. Foreman told me if I bought a pickup truck, he would give me another dollar an hour. And I realized that meant another Hardy Boy book. And I could— that's how I— and I bought my pickup truck, and I was up to $9 an hour. And every payday, I would— I remember at the beginning, for the first month, I just dug ditches. And then I got my paycheck, and I went to the— whatever the equivalent of Home Depot was back then, and I bought myself some tool bags and a hammer and a tape measure. And I came walking in Monday morning with my bags on and my new tools, and I said, "How do you like this?" And he said, "That's awesome. Now take them off and pick up that shovel and get back in the hole." But we used to eat off of lunch trucks, and back then it was horrible eating off off of lunch trucks. And I'm not— you're going to be able to tell, or did tell your kids about walking through the snow to get a Hardy Boys book and all shoveling the driveway. I'm going to tell my kids about Daddy having to eat off a lunch truck, and they're going to say, you mean the Kobe beef truck? Or is it the Toll House cookie? Which one was it? I'm going to think, no, it was the bad lunch truck that they used to have. They weren't all gourmet meals back then.

What did you say you bought again? You bought a belt, and what did you put in it again?

I bought tool bags. Tool bags. They call them— on the site would always be bags. Okay, what else? And your bags needed a framing hammer if you're doing framing, or finish hammer if you're doing finish. Framing, heavier with a waffle end on it. Finish, smooth end on it. I can get into specifics, Joe. I would also— a tape measure.

Okay, so I'm going to make a point here. It's a sociological point. I grew up in a Jewish neighborhood in Brooklyn, and how do I put this? None of us had that belt. We hired people who had that. No, no, it's just a sociological point, that's all. It's just— it's fascinating to meet someone who did have that bill.

That's all. It's really nice. It was, yeah, it would— the big— there was always the construction guys were always practical jokers, and oftentimes after you you just drop your bags, you know, on the wood floor, on the subfloor, and they would nail your bags to the floor, which was good. When you would go for them, they would be fat, which was good, good stuff. They would also fill the back with drywall compound so that when you reached for your speed square, you just get a handful of topping or joint compound or mud. You know, you know it by different names, I'm sure.

That's my point. That is my point. We had a different, we had a different upbringing, and look, we're together on this. Yes, yes.

But we, we do, we do agree. And if I could give my kids anything, I would give them a motor, as I, as I call it. It's just something inside them that said, I want to go, and I want to keep—

the motor is destroyed when either motor comes from outside of you. That's, that was the point that I was making. That's, that's why I'm so passionate about the destructive nature of the welfare state. It, it hurts people's soul. It's crushing. It is. Look at Europe. I mean, you know, people, massive demonstrations if they raise the retirement age in France from 60 to 62. When people die at 83, right? And what if we die at 100? Are you supposed to have 40 years of welfare? What is in people's minds? But it's corrupting. You and I, I with the shoveling snow, you with your construction work, I knew if I didn't make money, I'd have no money. I wasn't going to get money from the state or from my parents. So I had to do something. And you had to do something. And we are better, far better for better for it. Compassion as a national policy produces the antithesis of compassion. It destroys. That's the irony.

And we're better for it. But I think also society's better for it because we pay more in taxes. Oh, well, certainly. And many other things that help benefit society. I'm not saying we're saints. I'm just saying everybody here understands the idea of working hard and getting ahead and equating that with success. And when you remove that, you are hobbling your citizens. And this is very dangerous. And when that group gets large enough and they can vote on who gets in and what the policies are, that's the beginning of the end.

Well, that's the beginning of becoming like Greece. I couldn't agree with you more. So I have a question.

The movie? I'm talking about the country. I don't want to be either one.

Correct. Good. Well said.

I think we're going to do some questions out in the audience right now, because boy, where's the time gone to? If people have questions about anything under the sun, doesn't have to be stuff we've just spoken about, I think we have some microphones, guys handling microphones spread out around. Someone's raising their hand there, you can probably yell it out. Hi, I want to thank you both for doing this, this is fabulous, I appreciate it.

I have two questions for you, Adam.

What is evil to an atheist? Oh, okay, what is evil to an atheist? To me, I know there's a lot of, well, if you don't believe in the Ten Commandments, then how do you know? I do believe in the Ten Commandments. I don't think you should steal. I don't think you should kill. I think you should honor your parents. Not my parents, they're shitty. But if your parents do a fair to middling job, you should honor them. You know, all the golden rule stuff for me. I mean, it's— a lot of people make that argument, which is sort of, well, what's the truth if you don't have a deity that that is explaining the truth to you. And to me, it's as true as gravity is true if Newton was never born. I understand what evil is, and I understand what goodness is as well. And it's empirical to me. I mean, if someone's hurting another individual or stealing their possessions or raping them, or to me, those red light arrows You know when the intersection's green but you have to sit there with the red arrow? That's evil. That's pure evil.

That's my Hitler. I'm with you. By the way, let me just say—

I understand that the same way a woman would understand a baby when a baby cries. You don't have to be a mother or religious or anything. It's just there for me.

Yeah. Forgive me, this might help a little bit, and it might not, but I think it will. I know what you're driving at, and I know what you answered, and you're both right, and I'm not being a diplomat, but I do want to explain something. Atheists can have the same exact values as those of us who are rooted in God. There is only one difference, and it's a huge difference, but it is not a difference of whether they're good or not good, or whether they have the right values or not. The question is, is there really an evil and a good? If there— he— see, an atheist like Adam can fully appreciate how bad murder is. The only thing he can't do is say that it is objectively wrong. He would have to have to conclude, and any atheist that I've had on the radio, most philosophers have acknowledged, yes, it's subjective. It's a matter— if God says do not murder, murder is objectively wrong. If there's no God who says do not murder, then I truly believe it's wrong, but I admit it's still a subjective response. That's the difference between the two.

I don't think it's subjective if the lion's share of humanity would agree on.

But the lion's share of humanity didn't agree on it. Human history is rape, pillage, murder, torture, uh, uh, uh, persecution, cheating, lying, stealing, all of which we're going to do after the show, by the way.

Why? You got to keep it to 12:15. Uh, yeah, no, I, uh, but, but, but in, in, in modern times.

And, oh, the modern times are the worst. Well, what argument would you have given to a Nazi who says, I like killing, I like torturing, and I enjoy it, or, and in any event, these are subhumans, and more important, uh, just as in nature, this, the, the weak will be devoured by the strong, and I believe in nature. What would be your answer?

Uh, well, I would say Well, that depends where you're gonna kill me. I got to figure out whether I'm Jewish or not. First off, there's gonna be a whole channel devoted to you. A man named Dennis Prager, a very wise man, who's sworn to confound me on stage. His wife will fall asleep to someone who's playing your likeness. I would say, and it's hard to put into words, words, why I love my children or why murder is wrong or why what you just described to me as a Nazi soldier in 1939 was wrong. Killing or harming another, to me it's just Golden Rule stuff. Whatever it is you would not like done to yourself, you should not be able to do to another human being. And in my— according to my value system, that makes it wrong. I think that that's fairly universal, although I do think it's ignored quite a bit. I think there's a difference. I mean, I think people who murder people would not like to be murdered and do understand that murdering is wrong and yet do it anyway, religious and unreligious or not.

Well, given the— look, you know, this is a huge thing, but given the number of people who did it, They— the ability of the human being to convince himself that the evil is wrong, I do believe ultimately for most people necessitates a God. I'll never forget, putting aside murder, I'll never forget a guy I— when I was a bachelor, I used to quote-unquote interview married men. No one who was never married knows anything about marriage, by and large. There are exceptions. And certainly I knew nothing. In fact, I knew nothing for a long time. Time, even post-maritally, but certainly pre-maritally. Anyway, I asked this guy who was about 15 years older than me, we were close, and I said, "Bob," that really was his name, I said, "Bob, you know, you can tell me, I would never say a word, have you always been faithful?" He said, "Well, Dennis, let me tell you something, I'm completely irreligious, but I do believe there's a God, and I've been very tempted on a number of occasions," And believe it or not, this is going to sound silly, but believing that there— I somehow believe that there's a God who said, "Do not commit adultery," and that I'm going to have to answer to him. And I got to tell you that kept me on the right path. I think in the final analysis that if you believe God said, "Do not steal," it's got a lot more power to it than, "Gee, I don't want to be stolen from." stolen from, so I won't steal.

Well, but it also depends what your, your, your, your personal moral compass and makeup, which is there is asking for forgiveness after you steal, whereas I, I cannot ask for forgiveness if I steal something.

You know, you can from the person you stole— you can from the person you stole.

But there's plenty of occasions where no religious doctrine—

a lot of A lot of Christians, and Christians know how much I adore them, as I always say, they're the people who founded the greatest country in the world, but a lot of Christians got that wrong. They think that God or Christ will forgive them if they do nothing to atone for their sin toward the person they hurt, and that is not Christian. Certainly not Catholic, and it's not Christian generally, and it's certainly not Jewish. I can't begin to ask God for forgiveness for hurting you until you forgave me. That is a Jewish law. Until the person you have hurt forgives you, you can't even ask God for forgiveness.

Oh, what do you guys know about law? Good point.

That's fair. By the way, I just want to say, while you got on a very serious topic here, but sure, that's why I think that murder is unforgivable. Unforgivable. I know this won't go over well with a number of people. I agree with that. Because the murdered can't forgive you. Right. So maybe God works something out afterwards, that's fine, but I believe that it is an unforgivable sin, and you can try to make your peace with God, and I think you should try to, and that's great, but that's— we don't have a sufficiently abhorrent view of murder. That is what my deepest belief is in society. Oh, we killed somebody. It's really sad. It's the worst thing you can do.

I am amazed at our— I mean, our legal system, but also the people that sort of support it. I mean, all the people that— all the instances where somebody kills somebody, does 5 and a half years. And then, and by the way, oftentimes they do the killing when they're 19, 20, 21. So by the time they're 26, 27, they're out and moving on, debt paid, all that. I, that to me is insane. And I don't, and that's why I'm for the capital punishment or death penalty, you know, whatever, whatever you want to call it. As much as you are. And also, for me, although I think this is probably where we differ on the capital punishment part of it, I don't believe that all life is precious at all. I think there's a lot of people need to be killed.

Yes, no, no, life is precious, and that's exactly why they should be killed.

Oh, there's a better point. Yes, that's a good point. You'd make a good warden, actually. Listen, good good news and bad news. Life is precious. No, no, don't start celebrating yet. That's why we're going to kill you.

That's right. That's exactly— I would make a good one anyway. Yeah, right.

We'll go on a KFC run for you, whatever the last meal is, whatever you like. My last meal's whatever's furthest away from the prison. That's how I—

that's a good one. That's a good one. Mine— you're a good man.

You are a good And kind of a slightly different note, I came in from Phoenix, so— Wow. Just— and I went to two shows, so— Wow, you came out and saved two. Yeah. But Phoenix is a little different than LA over here, and I was wondering, especially you, Adam, you know, buddies with the Hollywood people, why do you think they lean to the left? I think it's pretty simple with the Hollywood people because, you know, in general, because it's a business and it's a kind of a chicken or the egg kind of a business. Like, what got there first? Hollywood can embrace you and Hollywood can reject you. It's not really about being a heavyweight prize fighter. If you're Larry Holmes and it's 1987 and you're knocking everyone out who's put in front of you, or Muhammad Ali in the '70s or Tyson in the '90s, then it doesn't matter what your belief systems are, it doesn't matter who you embrace or if you're Democrat, Republican, it doesn't matter. Put them in front of me, I'll knock them out. Hollywood, you don't have to work if somebody doesn't want you to work. There's a lot of actors and actresses And you can get on the wrong side of a subject or topic or movement or political aisle, and your career can be negatively impacted. Or, on the other hand, there's a lot of cool parties you can go to if you're friends with Barbra Streisand. I mean, let's be honest. So part of it is a disingenuine business of the Hollywood community just coming across a certain way because they perceive that that's the way the town leans, and I'm going to lean that way just from a pure financial standpoint. I would like to work, and work, even when you're a working actor, you still realize it can all go away this time next year. I know there are many people whose names I can't recall and neither can you because they stopped working, but we all knew them 2 or 3 years ago. So, A, it's a lot of it is just financial. The other part is a sort of bullshit part where the left appears to care and the right is cold-hearted. And it's so nice to say, what about these people that don't have any money? It's so easy for these guys guys to come up on stage and go, you know, there's a lot of hardworking folks out there that don't have jobs after the mills shut down, and I'm for these people. Well, what's the audience going to do? Meanwhile, this guy gets back in his limousine, gets back in his Learjet, goes back to his multimillion-dollar mansion that's, you know, either in Manhattan, or it's a penthouse in Manhattan, or it's a place in Malibu. But it's so easy just to pretend like you're a fan of the little man and the working man. And a lot of it is overcompensation. A lot of it is guilt, essentially. These guys live a life and have grown up with a lot of privilege and now live a life of privilege, and they overcompensate worrying about those who don't have what they have. And they say, hey, it's high time, you know, rich people pay their fair share. Look, they're free to pay whatever they like. I know all these guys. They all are incorporated. They all have accountants. They all write off their Prius as a company car. Believe you me, they have guys crunching numbers, making sure that however much money they made, whether it was $10 million last year, $3 million, or $33 million last last year, that they hang on to as much of that as humanly possible. If they were true to their word, they would say to their accountant, "Look, you're fired. I'm going to do it on TurboTax this year. I'm getting rid of my corporation. I'm not going to write anything off, and I'm going to pay the highest percentage the government will allow." I don't need Barack Obama to legislate anything. I'll pay 45% on my own, and that will be the statement I will make. But none of them will do that. And as a matter of fact, they'll be the first guys to get on a plane to go to New Mexico to shoot when the show was supposed to be shot in Riverside, California. They'll shoot it in New Mexico. Why? Because someone is saving 8% on taxes, or they're being incentivized to go there. They will pick up and leave the second The second someone gives them a lower tax rate or a break anywhere around the country. So obviously they're hypocrites or they'd be staying here in town paying their fair share. And honestly, they're not great thinkers. I mean, they're not. They're actors. They play judges and lawyers and cops on the edge. But really, They're guys who smoked a lot of weed in high school and look good in their underpants. Why should we listen to that?

That was great.

You know, Dennis, I don't think we're going to do any better than you announcing that was great. I think we ought to probably call it a night. It's after midnight for— I almost said for Christ's sake.

We're very grateful. We're very grateful for all of you coming. And I am grateful to have a new friend, Adam Carolla. Thank you very much.

I feel the same way, and I'm grateful to my new friend, Dennis Prager. Great to see you.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you, guys. This has been Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Visit DennisPrager.com for thousands of hours of Dennis's lectures, courses, and classic radio programs, and to purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles.