Timeless Wisdom: Happiness Hour - People Disappointing You

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Welcome to Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Hear thousands of hours of Dennis's lectures, courses, and classic radio programs. And to purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles, go to DennisPrager.com.

Okay everybody, it is the happiness hour on the Dennis Prager Show. Every week we devote an hour to the subject because it is of overwhelming importance. Let me repeat what I always tell you: it is not a selfish pursuit, happiness. It can be, but it is not by definition. Nope. It is one of the most important things you can achieve in your life. It is up there with goodness and integrity and character. In fact, it's part of character. That's how big it is. Happy people make the world better. Happy people have happier children. Happy people have happier marriages. Happy people have happier workers. Everything, everything. You have a moral obligation to be as happy as you can be. All right, okay. I spent 10 years writing a book on happiness. Happiness Is a Serious Problem is the name of the book, and that is one of the themes— how we are obligated to be as happy as we can be. And each week I discuss another aspect of this subject. By the way, These have been, for many people, at least that's what you tell me, life-changing programs. Therefore, we have now put many of them on CDs, and you can find information about that at my website, DennisPrager.com, or through my office, 800-225-8584. Happiness is the subject. Now today, I am going to revisit a subject that I have touched upon once before. Just recently, in fact, only once. But the, the response was so overwhelming that I need to talk about it on the Happiness Hour, even though I talked about it on a regular hour. And the issue is people disappointing you. Yep, it's as simple as that. People disappointing you. And I— what triggered this It was a letter from a listener who says he will no longer listen to me because I disappointed him. He wrote me a warm letter about how I touched his life and I never responded. The ease with which we are disappointed by others is, I don't think there's anything easier that somebody can do to you than disappoint you. And I want you to think about it for a moment. I want you to think about how has anybody disappointed you? A child, a husband or wife, a friend, a, a co-worker, uh, me, anybody, people in public life. I want you to think about it for a moment. How many people have disappointed you? Then I also want you to think about this. How many people have you disappointed? Are you thinking? Now I bet you that in this world, far, far more people would be on list number 1 than on list number 2. Isn't that interesting? Think about that. If I asked you to make 2 lists, One list was of people that have disappointed you, and the other list was people that you have disappointed. Which list do you think would be longer? There's no comparison. I'll bet you you couldn't name 3 people you have disappointed. It would— you would be a very impressive person if you could name 3 people that that you've disappointed, and I'll bet you, you could name 10 who have disappointed you in your life. In fact, almost everybody you've ever known has probably disappointed you. That is the way it works. That's the way it is. We are set up to be disappointed. 1-800-PRAGER-776. 1-800-PRAGER-776. I want to know if you— how you have dealt with this issue, how many people you feel you've disappointed, who has disappointed you. And here is why this is the Happiness Hour: if you walk around regularly disappointed by people, you can't be happy. Not only that, you will also make them unhappy. Disappointment is probably one of the largest obstacles to happiness that the human being has, because everybody is there who is in your life in effect is going to disappoint you at some point. It is almost impossible. It is almost impossible for that not to be. So how have you dealt with this? Now let me give you a number of suggestions. Number one is to understand. I think the biggest way to deal with this is to understand that it is inevitable. He will disappoint me, she will disappoint me. My parents aren't what I really would like them to be. My spouse is often, but you know, I just wish he or she were, and then you fill in the line. My children, well, I tell you, it's not what I was really hoping for, and I get disappointed. They don't do this, they do do that. My friends, you know, they don't call. I can't really rely on them. And I— they call too much, they call too little, they're not there when I need them, they are there when I don't need them. I don't know what you can come up with. I expected more. I expected them to do more on my birthday. I expected them to do less on my birthday. I expected, I expected. So It is— that is part of being human. Life can be and is for most people disappointing. Let's be honest, life is disappointing. Not just people disappoint, life disappoints you. By the way, and I should do that on a separate hour, God disappoints most people. Let's be honest. Let us be honest that most people would like God to have done more in their lives. Everybody disappoints you. So now, in light of the fact that so many people and God himself disappoints us, maybe we need to not be so easily disappointed. That would seem to me to be a fairly, uh, fairly accurate response. Maybe it's our narcissism and not their failures that has us in a constant state of disappointment. Well, you didn't do what I expected, hence you're a disappointment. Instead of saying, you didn't do what I expected, maybe my expectations are too high. Right? Isn't that possible? Or it is inevitable. Or how about this? How many have I disappointed?

Hmm?

And I'm telling you, it would be a great exercise for you to do. A terrific one. I think I'm going to do it. How many people have I disappointed and how many have disappointed me? Just an interesting— you don't have to show it to anybody, just for yourself. Because you don't go around— the you, I mean, I don't mean you individually because I don't know, but I would say people do not go around with anywhere near the sense of having disappointed others that they have about being disappointed by others. The ratio of our believing we have been disappointed by others to our disappointing others is probably 10,000 to 1. How many people really walk around thinking, God, I've disappointed X, Y, and Z? Nah, people don't. So it's proof is that it is a function in— not always, not always. Some people really have a legitimate gripe about being disappointed. Somebody has really, really betrayed them, uh, and they didn't see it coming, uh, or failed them and they didn't see it coming, and they are disappointed. That there was legitimate disappointment. But I think overwhelmingly it is just part of our narcissism. The world should be as I want it to be for me. And if people are not acting the way I want them to act, then, ah, by golly, I'm disappointed. How do you react to this? Is this— does this register with you because you do walk around thinking you're disappointed by people a lot and not ever thinking how you have done it to others? Or is this, you know, totally out of left field? 1-800-PRAGER-776. This is, by the way, a function of another thing that I talk about a great deal when I talk about happiness. That is having expectations. Expectations are really the root in many ways of unhappiness. The more you expect, the less happy you will be, the more disappointed, the more ungrateful. The more resentful. Expectations are a curse. And if you lower your expectations or even don't have any, it is incredible how much more grateful you will be for whatever good comes your way in life and from people. I will tell you, I started learning— I learned that in college, and it has helped shape my life. We will be back in a moment on the Happiness Hour on the Dennis Prager Show.

This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this.

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Now back to more of Dennis Prager's timeless wisdom.

Alrighty everybody, on the Happiness Hour on the Dennis Prager Show, the enormous issue of disappointment and how so many people walk around fairly regularly disappointed by people in their lives. And while of course there are times— I mean, let's say you marry somebody and you marry a guy and he turns out to beat you up, or you marry a woman and she turns out to be a drug addict that you didn't know. I can— that, that is a fair disappointment. And sometimes it's not easy to know, is it your narcissism or a real, true, a fair assessment of disappointment? But I think by and large we are much too easily disappointed, and that's because our expectations are too high and because we want the world to be the way we want it. And that is especially so in our time for whatever reason in the last 100 years, people just assume that what they expect to happen with others should happen and feel that if they're disappointed, it's clearly the other person's fault. Not to have diminished expectations of people in their lives. 1-800-PRAGER-776, Roseville, California, on KTKZ 1380. And Maria, thank you for calling The Dennis Prager Show.

Thank you, Mr. Prager. Mm-hmm. I just wanted to make a comment regarding 3 people that might have disappointed me, and actually I can count 3. It's actually my father, mother, and my sister.

And, um, well, who's left? Only my family, but beyond that, the world's been great to me.

But my mother and my sister I've come to find out that they are the two people that I will never be able to fulfill their expectations. And although I understand that—

Oh, so wait a minute. You say you've disappointed them or they've disappointed you?

No, I've disappointed them.

Oh, I see. I'm sorry, I didn't catch that originally. You feel that you have disappointed your mother, your father, and your sister.

Yes.

And by doing what? Or not doing what?

Not fulfilling their expectations as well as my own contrived expectations that they had of me. And I've come to understand that in regards to my mother and my sister, that they will always have expectations that I will not be able to fulfill no matter what I do.

Yep.

And part of that also was my ego, which I also understand came into play. But I've come to understand that that's the only way to be happy is to understand the fact that you—

I'm curious now, and this is almost a game, but I, I don't mean it as such. The fact that you, uh, feel that you have disappointed your mother, father, and sister, do they disappoint you in, in that they feel that way?

Um, for— I would have to say that in regards to my mom and sister, yes.

Right, that's what I suspected. Yeah. God bless you, Maria. Thank you so much for calling. This is— I now realize we now have compounded disappointment. This is the way it works. This is a new— this is true, correct? And I, and I thank you so much, Maria. She's right. This— so this is what I'm discovering. Not only, uh, can I recognize that I've disappointed X, Y, and Z, but I'm disappointed in them for seeing me as a disappointment. Now, needless to say, they are disappointed in me for seeing them as disappointed in me. So you now have disappointment cubed. It gives you an idea how much disappointment is around there in the world. Now I'm laughing only because it's one of these classic examples of where you could either laugh or cry. This is a very painful subject, but I mean, I always say it's preferable generally to laugh, but it's really true. The amount of disappointment out there can drown the world. It may well be the most common sentiment on Earth. There may be more disappointment out there than there is love. And it's, uh, it's, as I said earlier, it includes God. You know, why didn't God come through when, uh, you know, I expected him to come through and he didn't? Wow, wow, what, what, what we set ourselves up for, for being unhappy. And this, this is being such a classic example of, of the, uh of the expectations of others, and we don't have those expectations nearly as much of ourselves. All right, let's, uh, let's see more here. Uh, Nanette in, uh, San Diego on KCBQ. Uh, Nanette, Dennis Prager, hi.

Hi Dennis, thanks for taking my call. I enjoy your show. I'm a new listener and I like your subject about disappointment a lot. I think I made my list in my mind while I was driving as soon as you said it. Yeah, and I was amazed at What maybe you just touched on, that was the last caller, how much my list is pretty equal. When someone has disappointed me, I always can see somewhere in there that I have disappointed them at some level.

Really? You know what, I wonder if women are more capable of that. Well, I think— If women walk around more thinking that they have disappointed others. I don't know.

It could be a gender thing, but maybe it's a personality thing.

Yeah.

Some people are harder on themselves or more critical of themselves. Themselves, and I am definitely working on that. But my oldest son is recently very disappointed with God because his father, my husband, got a girlfriend a year ago. And yes, I'm disappointed in that. It was huge, and it blindsided me, and I loved him very, very, very much, even though we had our issues and they were big. But, you know, my son has decided that God— he's blaming God, where I have decided that I'm not going to take that route. I am disappointed that my son's so upset, But I've disappointed my son too, because I probably should have gotten out of the marriage years and years and years ago because he was an alcoholic, but I didn't realize it. So, you know, there's a lot of disappointment that goes around. My family's disappointed that my marriage is falling apart. Oh well. You know, so to me, I think the key for me in disappointment— because I could wallow in a lot of self-pity and unhappiness right now. I've got 5 kids that are struggling and financially we're sinking, and it's really a hard life right now. But I think everyone needs to, like, hit just a moment ago, love. I think we need to cut people slack. I try to do that a lot because I want it done for me. And whenever I've disappointed, or when someone's disappointed me, I can usually see that I've probably at some level disappointed them. And it doesn't matter who did it first.

You know why I let you speak so long? Because you're a very wise woman. That's the highest compliment I can pay.

Well, you know, I appreciate that because I don't feel very valuable right now. So coming from you, I take that as a very nice compliment, and I needed that today. Thank you.

You're welcome, and I meant it very, very sincerely. It's very, uh, I'm, I am moved when I hear people on the air or off the air who are wise enough to take that approach and to be— and her, her, she gave me the words that I think are the perfect antidote to feeling regularly disappointed in people. Cut people slack. That's a good one. That's a good one. Your parents are human beings, frail like you. Your husband or a wife is frail like you. Your children likewise. See, when we are disappointed in, let's say, children, it is very often really a statement of, you didn't bring me the, the pride that I expected you to bring me, the reflected glory of your life onto me. Me, me, me. Back in a moment.

This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this.

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Now back to more of Dennis Prager's Timeless Wisdom.

This is the, uh, Happiness Hour on the Dennis Dennis Prager Show every week at this hour. Talk about the, the great important subject of happiness. My subject today is disappointment and how I would say most people walk around pretty regularly disappointed by almost everybody in their lives. And you know what else I was thinking here during the break is that the better the person, the more likely that person is to disappoint you. It's not the jerks who disappoint you, it's the wonderful people. So it— this disappointment issue gets more and more important the more I think about it and the more I talk about it, because you not only— you don't get disappointed by the, the, the jerks in your life. You don't expect anything from them. It's only the people that you think well of that can disappoint you. And the more you think well of them, the more they are set up inevitably to disappoint you, because they're still human no matter how wonderful they are. You know, all of this came about because of that letter that I got from a listener that I so disappointed him after I didn't respond to his email, he's no longer listening to me. And he obviously adored me because he wrote a very warm letter to me that I had never responded to. But I, I, I, I, you know, I say often I just can't, and I feel bad, but it's not possible. I can't respond to 200 emails a day. I can't respond to 100 a day. It's hard to do 50 a day. I mean, just think about it. If it's 2 minutes an email, that's 2 hours just for 50. Anyway, uh, it's— but there is a good example. If he thought I was a jerk and just listened because he liked the information he got from my show, then I couldn't disappoint him. But the fact is he thought, "Oh, this is a really good guy, this Dennis." And it turns out, "Oh my God, he doesn't even respond to my warm letter. He, you know, this is a total disappointment. I'm out of his life, he's out of my life." And I think that that macro example is what people do a lot in micro life. After all, it is only the good who can disappoint. Nobody's disappointed in Saddam Hussein. You get disappointed in good people. So it's really a problem, the disappointment one. Alrighty, let's go to Adina in Phoenix on 960 KKNT. Hello, Adina. Dennis Prager.

Hi, good afternoon, Dennis.

Hi.

Um, I read your book Happiness Is a Serious Problem. Uh, I borrowed it from one of my dearest friends, and I wanted to bring up about a lack of gratitude in the general population. Uh, as you stated in your book, um, are are we really counting the number of things that the person has done wrong to offend us when we should be counting the number of things that the person has done right?

That's right. What you're asking for is a magic word that a lot of people are incapable of doing. Children can't do it, and a lot of adults can't, and that is have perspective. That you have to be able to say, you know what, this person did fail me in this area, but as a general statement you know, so much more good comes from him or her.

Right.

And we need to remember to always say thank you. I mean, even teaching children at a very small age, even for the little things that we might take for granted, because if we're going to be willing to criticize, we also need to be willing to praise. And that includes even our own children.

Oh, of course it does. It includes everybody. It includes companies. I always say every year, as a New Year's resolution, for every complaint letter or call you make or write, You should do one letter of praise.

And that is such a good idea.

Mm-hmm. Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Okay, bye-bye. And over to Dan in Denver. Dan, Dennis Prager, hi.

Hi, Dennis.

Hi.

Love your show, appreciate everything that you do.

Thank you.

I just want to say that especially with regards to children, that expectations can be used Or I should say disappointments, which can be used regarding expectations. Excuse me, a little nervous here. It depends what you're disappointed in them. I think that it can help create the moral compass for your kids. If you express high, set high standards for them to the degree that if they disappoint you, they have failed miserably, that's not good. But in terms of it's far more important to express a disappointment with regards to a moral failing or something that's very very important versus something— he didn't get the job. That's not that big a deal. The other thing is, I find the more— the older I get, I find that I get disappointed in myself when I don't meet my own expectations. If I hurt someone, I'm disappointed in myself.

That's good. I agree with both your points, Dan. It is what we can get disappointed— I don't believe that the— it should be ruled out of our emotional lives, disappointment. But what is it that renders us disappointed, like in our child? Are you disappointed if they don't get an A or a B, or are you disappointed if they cheat on a test? We'll be back in a moment. I'm Dennis Prager. Alrighty everybody, this is Dennis Prager, and this is one of those happiness hours that I think if you take to heart can really affect your life. It's— these things touch me too. I just need you to know I When I talk about these things, I am talking to Dennis as much as I'm talking to you. And this notion here of people disappointing you in life is so big, and it is so harmful how much we walk around disappointed. And it is— now, there are times, of course, where it is appropriate, but I would say that in vast numbers of cases it's not appropriate because That's— or, or it's appropriate, but you still have to say that's part of life, and it is part of life. Everyone is disappointed, and everyone is disappointed often. That, that is the way it is because we set others up in almost in order to disappoint us. Even people we don't know, even public figures it could happen with. Alrighty, let's go, uh, to— oh, is that true? In Los Angeles on KRLA, Larry, Larry Dennis Prager. Hi.

Hello.

Hello, Larry, this is Dennis.

Yeah, hi Dennis.

Hi.

Uh, in listening to the comments of some of the past, uh, speakers, it appears to me that perhaps we can, without sounding too legalistic, divide people up into disappointors and disappointees. And sometimes people occupy both physicians. There's such a wealth of Jewish comedy about Jewish parents in planting guilt on their children. It made me wonder whether— because I think there may be some truth in that, although Jews don't hold the monopoly on that— whether the implantation of guilt is a defense mechanism to one who is a disappointor. In other words, gee, I think I'm disappointing my children in some way, so I'm going to make them feel guilty about this or about that.

Could well be. That's very possible. And, uh, remember, they— by, by telling, by communicating to them that they just— that is, our children— that they disappoint us, that is also instilling guilt in them.

Yes.

Now, at the same time, you see, that's why life is so complex, or one of the billion reasons. And that is, there, there should be an element of, I don't want to disappoint my mom or disappoint my dad. There should be an element of that in a child's life. The question is, what is it over? That's where the earlier caller said we have to use that, uh, very, very finely tuned. Am I, you know, if I, if, if my whole belief is that what I, I disappoint my parents if I don't get A's. I don't think that that is nearly as good as I'll disappoint my parents if I cheat on a test.

Yes.

Yeah, well, you made it. You made a powerful point. It's a very complex subject, and the issue with children is different, by the way, than I think the issue with others, because you do want to have a level of disappointment there. I don't think you want to have a level of disappointment anywhere else. It probably is good for a child to not want to disappoint a parent. It is a motivator. So that can be an element. On the other hand, that obviously could be overdone. It could be, you know, it's so finely tuned that it's very difficult for me to give a general rule on what level of disappointment is a good thing for children to feel vis-à-vis their parent and whatnot. I remember talking about parents disappointing I remember I saw, I think this was a cartoon in the New Yorker. It's a very famous cartoon, if I'm not mistaken. And I'm not going to get it fully accurately, but you'll get the gist of it. It is a monument somewhere in some park in some city. There's a monument to a man and, you know, there's a sculpture of him and it says, you know, his name, Commander or Admiral or General so-and-so. Financier, entrepreneur, poet, linguist, general, leader of men, and then on the bottom, and still a disappointment to his mother. Obviously, it must be so universal that you could make this, draw this cartoon, and know people will laugh. That no matter what you have succeeded, you're still a disappointment to your mother. Now, that should not be. That's a bad thing. Obviously. But it must be universal enough for it to have been a funny cartoon. Alrighty, over to Howard in Seattle on KKOL. And Howard, Dennis Prager, hi.

Dennis, how are you?

I'm well, thank you.

I thank you for taking this subject to America because I believe it is the most universal theme in people's lives in regards to maintaining Sustaining Happiness, and I think it taps into the idea of this tape that we all have running in our heads of, "What's wrong with me?" And it starts as little children disappointing our parents, through school not getting good enough grades, through the job, I don't make enough money. Whatever it is, when people are disappointed in us, it triggers that tape, "What's wrong with me?" And I think it opens the door to our own self-loathing. When we start asking ourselves, "What's wrong with me? I'm not good enough. What's wrong with me?" Right.

So you're explaining or you're offering illustrations of the bad effects of being regarded as a disappointment.

Absolutely. I think it taps into even larger issues. One of the great doors that I walked through into my own personal evolution was a conversation I had with my sister a couple of years ago in regards to forgiveness and forgiveness of myself for all of the disappointments that I felt that I wasn't achieving in my life. And you know, the perfectionism that we all have— we want to be the best, we want to be the best, and we're driven in this country to be the best. And I think it really— this whole issue of disappointment, it is so universal to humanity. And I think it comes from that idea of triggering that question, what's wrong with me? If we accept that there's nothing wrong with me, my mother loves me exactly the way I am, I love myself exactly the way I am, I think it opens the door to immense amounts of joy.

Right. The problem is, the problem is, and this is a problem, if I am so wonderful the way I am, why should I improve? See, that, that's the other issue. But because we do need a certain, see, certain amount of neurosis is, is inevitable in life. You know, only, only animals can experience such calm without neurosis. So we— that's why this is a difficult subject. In addition, great call back a moment.

This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this.

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Now back to more of Dennis Prager's timeless wisdom.

Alrighty everybody, Dennis Prager here. The Happiness Hour goes very fast, at least I feel that way. Hope you do too. Now let me give you an example. I'm talking about disappointment. Now look, I have before me David and Kate and Richard and David and another caller, I don't know the name yet, and Michael. The lines are filled with people's names. Now obviously I can't take all, and I may not even be able to take one, I don't know yet. But here is a good example of the inevitability of disappointment. Anybody who calls obviously waits and hopes to get on the air, otherwise you wouldn't call, and you will be disappointed if you didn't get on. The issue in life is, is there are two issues vis-à-vis disappointment at least. One is Am I legitimately disappointed? Or is it just my narcissism? The other is, if I am legitimately disappointed, what do I do with it? And that is where happiness is so dependent upon philosophy about how you think about life. Otherwise, we can all become so unhappy all the time. So if you called in and you've been waiting, and my God, uh, take it, Richard in Denver has been waiting for 45 minutes and 32 seconds. We, we have it, you know, we have the data on here now. And when Richard says, I've probably disappointed a whole lot more than I've been disappointed, well, here's an example of where you may be disappointed, Richard. Uh, now, you know, what is Richard to do with this disappointment? The— and the only answer for your happiness, I'm talking happiness, is to to say, look, I tried, I didn't get on. The vast majority of people who call don't get on, and it's too bad. That, and this is a little tiny example, I'm only using it because it is immediate and it is at this very moment. But all day it happens. One is disappointed regularly. It's what do you do with it? As regards people, they do it to us, they disappoint us. I disappoint just as many as people disappoint me. There's no question about it. It is just— that is the way of life, and it is a— it is something you have to work through. Am I a victim of constant disappointment? Well, it's possible that you are truly a victim, but there's a good chance that you are no more a victim than anybody else. And that you have disappointed just as much as you have been disappointed. And life is a series of disappointments, and you rise above it and you march on, and you know that it is inevitable. Or, or as I will— I just tell you, you will end up friendless, you will end up wifeless, you will end up husbandless, you will end up alone. And you know what? That is why so many people prefer pets to people because your dog never disappoints you. No matter what, he or she is there to lick you. And that is why there is a dangerous preference for animals over people these days, because people are so afraid of being disappointed. That's not the route to— the road to happiness. Stay tuned. This is Dennis Prager.

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