Timeless Wisdom: Male/Female Hour - Do Your Parents Know Who You Should Marry?

Welcome to Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Hear thousands of hours of Dennis's lectures, courses, and classic radio programs. And to purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles, go to DennisPrager.com. Hello everybody, you're listening to The Dennis Prager Show where we talk about everything in life, and it's not just a line to distinguish the show. It's a fact. I have a huge subject here for you to take a break from news talk. A huge subject that I can't believe we've never— I've never discussed. I can't believe it. It is amazing to me how many huge subjects I still haven't touched. I mean it, because I always think, oh my God, what's left? Here's a huge one. Do parents know best who their child should marry? Very simple. Do your parents know better than you? And do you know better than your child? I don't know the answer to it. I don't, I don't know if there is a— there certainly isn't a 100% rule. But in the limited world that any one of us lives in, the parental objections that I saw in my life to the choice of their child, the batting average of the parents has been high. Is that fair to say? And in our experience, the batting average of the parents when— and they—

and they—

and When they had reservations, the reservations were not foolish. Yeah, about potential spouse, exactly. 1-8-Prager-776. Should an adult child— we're talking about adults here by almost by definition, children don't get married— should an adult child, you're 25, 30, 35, 40, Should, or maybe even older, should you, should you listen to your parents' advice? It doesn't mean they have veto power. I'm not talking about veto power, but do parents know better as a rule? What do you think? If, because it really is, is a factor in people's lives. Now, if your parents are, are truly sick, and that they exist, they exist, then getting their input on these matters is not terribly valuable, obviously. But where you have relatively healthy, or even one healthy parent, should that matter? Or do you know best? You know, you're— as one parent once put it to me, and a wise man, he said, look, I'm not marrying her, my son is. And we all have different tastes, we all have different chemistry with people. Be very interesting to see what the batting average is. I don't know if it's possible to assess. But it would be very interesting to know what the batting average of parents is in the recommendations that they give to their children, pro or con, vis-à-vis, or even if they don't give the recommendation, even if they don't verbalize it. What, what my, my, Instinct is as follows. If you have respect for the wisdom of your parent, you may have emotional difficulties and problems, especially if you're a daughter, it's almost inevitable you do with your mother. So let's assume that. But if you have some respect for the parent's wisdom, That's all, just that. Shouldn't they have some say? Not be— not in the sense of controlling you, but in your making your decision. Now, if the parent— now, what the parent— listen to me, parents, you have to be very specific in what it is that troubles you. A vague statement of, well, I just, I don't get good vibes, is not helpful. And you may be, your vibes may in fact be a great monitor, but it doesn't help the child. But if, you know what, I saw him interact with you and it wasn't kind. That's powerful coming from a parent. That's, that's something. And sometimes the parental agenda is, is just for themselves. There are, there are parents I've seen absolutely screw up a kid's, kid's lives and kids' marriages. Of course that happens. Or, or wonderful people that they'll bring home. Look, there may be parents for whom no guy is good enough for their daughter. That's sick. Or there is no girl good enough for my guy, although I think it's more the other way around, I tend to think. But who knows? In either event, in either case, that's unhealthy. But if you can hear a finally reasoned statement, then that should, I think, have some degree of of influence on your decision, it would seem to me. And I'm very independent and feel, and I've always felt independent. But if my parents had articulated in a kind way, and what is this thing I said to you, Alan? State it once and then pray. State your objection once and then pray. I mean, you can't hound your child or you'll lose your child. That's the worst. Better that your child marry wrong and you don't lose your child than losing your child and then they may marry wrong anyway. But it is truly an age-old issue. Now, thank God we have left the world where parents choose your spouse. That's terrible. I mean, I can't accept that. Of course not. Now, it doesn't mean though that you can't date somebody that your parents suggest. It's a very interesting thing here. I'll never forget how many parents used to say to me when I ran this institute in Southern California, this retreat place, and they would say to me, listen, can you introduce my son to this girl or my daughter to this guy? Because if I do, they'll never go out with them. But if you do, they'll go out with them. You know how many people I have met, and I don't know, nobody knows a lot of people intimately, but it is amazing to me how often I have met people who met their spouse through their parents and who laughed at the idea, oh my God, my parents are setting me up on this date, give me a break. Why not? Why is your parents' choice for whom you might have one date going to be less, less realizable in marriage than if friends do. So it's a very important subject because it's, look, people choose wrong a lot. What is it that somebody or many people have said? It's not that people divorce too quickly, it's that they marry too quickly. In fact, I heard that from clergy. That's who told it to me first because they see how many wrong choices people make. Alrighty, 1-800-PRAGER-776. And let's go to Cleveland and David. Hello, David. Dennis Prager.

Hi, Dennis. How are you?

I'm well, thank you.

That's good. Happy New Year to you.

Thank you.

My mom actually apologized to me after, oh, I don't know, 10, 15 years. That she had it all wrong about my wife. She asked me not to get married. And did she—

wait, here is my rule. Wait a minute. Did your mother give you reasons?

Yes. She thinks that—

what did you—

actually, that my wife was marrying me for the wrong reasons, that her parents had been divorced and her mom has been married and divorced 4 4 times, and, uh, now it's been 5 since we've been married. But, uh, she thought that, uh, Sonia, or my wife, was marrying me for, uh, stability and the fact that my parents have been together and I'm in a big, large, happy family. And, and my mom, my mom thought that she was marrying me.

See, that's a, that's a very odd objection. So there was nothing wrong with the, the girl No. All right, so in other words, Dave, sit down. Mom and I want to talk to you. We have zero objections against Sonia, but by golly, she wants to marry you for the wrong reasons. That's an insult to you, not to Sonia.

Yes, it was actually. I took it offensively.

Well, you should. It's one of the rare times when people say, I take offense at, that you would be right. You mean, you mean, wait, wait, Mom, so wait a minute. So she's a terrific woman But, but she's not marrying me for the right reasons. What do you think of me, Mom and Dad? Maybe she really loves me. All right, your parents made a boo-boo. Remember the Prager Rule here. That's the key. Yes, respect parental opinion, but it has to be grounded in reason. And that one would not have passed the Prager Rule test. She wants to marry you because you have a stable home. 1-800-PRAGER-776, The Dennis Prager Show. This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this. Popular, happy, well-rounded kids across America are being exploited online through a sinister scheme that leaves them broken, defeated, or worse. January is National Human Trafficking Prevention Month in the U.S., and to raise awareness, SalemNow.com is offering Sexploited in America, the 4-part docuseries from AGA Media, at 50% off. Sexploited in America, now just $4.99 at SalemNow.com. Now back to more of Dennis Prager's timeless wisdom. Alrighty everybody, Dennis Prager here, and, and I am talking to you about a question that I can't believe I never faced on the show when we talk— and I say we talk about all of life— and that is, do parents know better who their child should marry? And how much should you take their input seriously? And the answer that my life has I don't mean my personal life, but my life's experiences with people has dictated is that if parents give reasons, that it's worth listening to. They just can't say, "I don't want him," or have bad reasons. They may have bad reasons, like the last one had a bad reason. Well, she only wants to marry you because her mother's been married and divorced 5 times and she sees stability here. I, as I said, in any event, the insult was to the, was to the boy, the child, their son. It wasn't to the woman. But if the parents give good reasons, it's a good idea to take them seriously. So I want more of your experience or reaction to this, because there is a desire to show I'm utterly independent. I'm not gonna let my mother influence my decision on who I marry. Come on. 1-800-PRAGER-776. 1-800-PRAGER-776. And we go to Pete in Elk Grove, Illinois. Pete, Dennis Prager, hi.

Hi, Dennis. Happy New Year.

Thank you.

I just wanted to share my experience. I grew up in a home with parents who were married for many years, had a happy marriage. When I was a young man going to college, I dated a young woman who turned out to be pretty damaging to me. In retrospect, I mean, it wasn't a good thing for me necessarily in a lot of respects, but it was kind of a form of rebellion really going out with her because— a rebellion against my kind of suburban upbringing. But my parents were not shy about letting me know that they thought she was the wrong choice for me. And of course, as you just put it, you know, since young people often want to rebel, they You know, I resisted back. Ultimately, the relationship didn't end up going anywhere because she ran off with someone else. Best thing that ever happened to me though, because I met my wife, and my parents were not shy at all about giving their approval when I was with someone that they could see obviously was a good fit for me. And sure enough, I've been happily married for 15 years.

Well, good, there you go. He has the perfect scenario. They were right on the one that they didn't want, And they were right on the one that they did want. See, this is where, you know, this even raises a larger issue, and that is those of you who lead your lives, this is true if you're a teenager, if you lead your life doing the opposite of what you think your parents want, you are as controlled by your parent as if you only do what they want. People forget that. You know, the trick vis-à-vis parental advice is to know when to take it and when not to take it. But you don't have a rule they're always right, and you don't have a rule they're always wrong. But if you have reason to respect your parents— and I'm not saying that you have a great intimate bond— if you have reason to respect your parents as humans, then they— there's a good chance that they may have good insight into who it is that you are dating. That's all. You have the final say. And parents, I say to you, you better be very clear that your decision is ego-free, that you are not objecting because to your daughter's choice because he's not a lawyer or a doctor, but he's an electrician. You better be very, very clear about why, where your opposition comes from. It has to come from a good place, not your ego, so that you can say, my son-in-law is a, or whatever, or went to XYZ college. You know how that really impresses me anyway. So parents, you have a huge role to be, to claim credibility. You need to earn credibility in your children's eyes, and that is something that is earned over time. But it is absolutely right for you to say, as specifically as you can, listen, I think there are issues here that I want to raise with you. If you decide to marry him or you decide to marry her, then this becomes my new son or my new daughter, and that's the end of the issue. But while you are dating, I have this obligation to say something to you. That is very hard, by the way. It's very hard because then the child said, what, you don't trust me? You don't think I'm mature enough to make my own, my own decision here? And, and then the answer to that is that everybody can use help in making a decision who to marry. Everybody. 20-year-olds, 30-year-olds, 40-year-olds, 50-year-olds, 60-year-olds. Everybody. And if everybody you respect is lined up for, or everybody you respect is lined up against, they may, may all be wrong, but the chances are they're not all wrong. All right, so let me take more calls here. 1-800-PRAGER-776. And let's go to, uh, is it Ruffle or Rachel in San Diego?

Rochelle.

Rochelle, hi.

Hi, my comment is I try to lay the— I'm 48 years old. I have 3 children, 22 to 18. We try to lay that foundation all through their lives, and currently, like, one example is my daughter brought a young man home, and we were just chatting, and he made a comment about hating work and trying to avoid work. And so later on, I just said, hey, did you Did you notice that comment he made about work? And she said, yes. And I said, well, tell me what did that mean to you when he made that comment? And she said, he doesn't like to work and he's kind of lazy and he likes to avoid it. And I said, what do you think about that? And she said, I don't think that's a good quality. And she had actually already identified that. She said, I think I could lead this guy around by the nose, so I'm not really interested in it anyway. But we dialogue, I dialogue with my sons in the same way, trying to Just as we observe character qualities and conversation, just, you know, asking, "What do you think of that?" and "How does that affect you?" and, you know, "What do you think about that?" That is perfect, Rochelle.

You are meeting every criterion that I mentioned. I salute you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Your kids are lucky. Be very— the more specific you can be, the better. I get bad vibes is not going to work generally. Well, Ma, why do you have bad vibes? Well, I can't articulate it, but maybe that's worth saying. Maybe you have a bond with your child. It's worth saying, but that's a very risky one. That's a very risky one because if you can't articulate why you don't have good vibes, maybe it's not worth dwelling on. On the other hand, if you've relied on your vibes, as it were, your whole life and they have not misled you— that's why I'm talking about credibility and the larger question: do you have credibility in your children's eyes that's earned over a lifetime? Back in a moment. 1-800-PRAGER-776. This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this. Popular, happy, well-rounded kids across America are being exploited online through a sinister scheme that leaves them broken, defeated, or worse. January is National Human Trafficking Prevention Month in the U.S., and to raise awareness, SalemNow.com is offering Sexploited in America, the 4-part docuseries from AGA Media, 50% off. Sexploited in America, now just $4.99 at SalemNow.com. Now back to more of Dennis Prager's timeless wisdom. You may want to download this hour, I mean it, for your kids to hear. So I'm taking a very sober view on this question. Hi everybody, Dennis Prager, the show where we do talk about everything in life. The question is How much should you take your parents' views on the person you're dating seriously? And if your parents have earned credibility in the arena of wisdom, then it should be a great deal if, and here's the thing to you parents, it's got to be ego-free. And you have to articulate as precisely as possible any objection. That you might have, knowing the power of influence that you may in fact have. But it, but it is worth using. All righty, let's go here. Got very good calls from all over the country. And, uh, yes. Oh good, this, this is a very— well, there are a few really interesting ones here. All right, listen to this one because this is a subject, Alan, that, that we didn't— we've never raised. Listen to this one. Joyce, who's 79 and in Houston. Hello, Joyce.

Hello, how are you? Happy New Year.

Thank you very much. Tell me, tell me your story here.

Well, um, I was 20. My, my, uh, boyfriend or my husband-to-be was, uh, 9 years older than I was, and my family did not want me to marry him for that reason. And They were never happy with it, but they said, well, it wouldn't last 6 months, but it lasted 46 years.

Well, they were right. It didn't last 6 months. It lasted 46 years. I'm sorry about his dying. When did that happen?

Um, well, we got married in 1948 and he died in 1994.

Uh-huh.

Well, you were blessed with all those years. Did they finally come around, your parents?

Well, sort of, you know, not really completely.

Why? Because of the age difference?

Well, that was part of it, and then he had been in World War II, and when he came home, he didn't have a career yet, and of course they were concerned about that.

Okay, well, I'm surprised they never came around. It sounds like it was beautiful. Thank you. The reason that I consider that so important, that's another example, by the way, of parents' objections that totally— and by the way, is that it may— it's very understandable. If your daughter is 20, well, 29, 20, I don't think today people give a hoot. But I know, I know a marriage of a guy, he was 40 and she was 20, and the parents of the girl were very disturbed. And I understand that. I do understand that. Not the 20 years, but 40, 20. If it's 60, 40, nobody gives a hoot. If it's 40, even 50, 30, nobody gives a hoot. But, but 20, 40, you really wonder about a guy. And that turned out very good. So it's, it's, there's a note, but at least the parents were specific. The guy didn't have a job and he was 9 years older. I don't know, I don't get the 9 years older one, but at least the parents were specific and they were, and those objections turned out to not be valid. Here's another example of parental objection. Colorado Springs, Jeff.

Hi. Hi there, Dennis Prager. Thanks for all you do. Thank you. I'm 47, been married 26 years. My parents did not have any role in who I chose, but they did have a huge role in helping me to look, uh, establish priorities of what I was looking for in a wife. And the most important one was that one should love God first and your wife second, and look for somebody who has the same values Oh, okay, that—

so that, that's— they gave you the guidelines. Okay, excellent. I appreciate that very much, Jeff. So that's not where parents got in. It's too bad. There was a call on that very line, and I— it's not— that's a great call, Jeff's call. But there was another one. The parents objected. It's a Jewish guy. The parents objected. Is he still on there? No, no, no, it isn't there. Too bad. That's so funny because I went to that line instinctively. That's where it was. So his parents wanted— didn't want him to religiously intermarry, and she did convert, and then everything worked out fine. But you see, there's a good example. The parents were specific. The girl is wonderful, but we want you to marry someone of the same faith. That's legitimate. That is a legitimate request of a parent. And especially if they can put it in that way. Look, you know, that he's a great guy, she's a great girl, then it's when they would lie about that, make up things about the person because of the religious issue. That would be not right, to put it mildly. So a lot of people are voting for parental influence. Very interesting. A lot of people. And I agree, if it's rational and wise. 1-800-PRAGER-776. This is The Dennis Prager Show. You're listening to The Dennis Prager Show, and I think you'll want to give a tape of this to a child who might be dating somebody that you're not fully pleased with for specific rational reasons. I emphasize that. The issue of parental influence on a child, adult child's choice of a, of a mate. 1-800-PRAGER-776, the show where we do talk about everything in life, and your calls have been verifying. It's very, very interesting. Uh, we got that guy here. Uh, here's Alan in Seattle. This is the call that, uh, why did you hang up, Alan?

Hey, I was filling my, uh, car with gas and I had to leave. Sorry.

I love, I love having an image of what my listeners are doing.

So I see people waiting for me.

Okay, wonderful. Go ahead.

But hey, I was just going to say, you know, I've known my wife for 15 years now, and, uh, and, you know, we met actually at a fraternity. We were set up at a fraternity dance, and, you know, I fell in love with her like the first, uh, the first week we met. We knew, we knew that this was it. This was the woman, this is the man. We knew this was going to be a good marriage. And boy, I was scared to take my wife, or my girlfriend at the time, to my parents' house because I knew I was ingrained, you know, since a young boy that marry a Jewish person, marry the same religion, you know, marry the same person. So I finally took her over there and, you know, they didn't talk to her for like the first, you know, at least 12 months or maybe, maybe even longer. And then, you know, later on, you know, it took about 7 or 8 years of engagement and then we finally got married, or maybe 6 years, we got married. And since then, you know, they love her, you know, and they love our kids, love our family, love our lifestyle. We, you know, I'm living a lifestyle that I probably would have never lived. And, uh, and, you know, they don't regret anything. I don't regret anything.

Oh, and she never converted?

No, no, she did. She converted.

Oh, she did.

So she got married, actually she converted.

Did their—

a couple times.

But did their—

converted.

Did their attitudes change then?

Definitely. Yeah. Yeah.

So it was entirely, it was entirely not related to her. It was entirely a religious issue.

Oh yeah. It was religious issue.

All right. Well, all right.

So it's like, you know, we didn't grow up as an Orthodox Jewish family. It's just a very traditional Conservative, you know, we'd go only a few times during the year to synagogue.

Right, let me explain this, by the way. Thank you, Alan. Let me explain this. That's, you know what, that's another good topic. Jews and intermarriage. 'Cause people, a lot of people know this about Jews, that, you know, even if they're not religious, they still want their kids to marry a Jew, and is this ethnic chauvinism? And what is going on there? Everybody in America is a melting pot, and everybody marries everybody. In one brief nutshell, let me just explain because people don't fully understand this. Jews are deathly afraid of dying out. They feel like the bald eagle, which has finally been actually resuscitated. But please understand, that's a major factor here, rational or irrational. That is a big factor. And because after the Holocaust in particular, when one out of every three men, women, and children who were Jewish was murdered, and, and 9/10 of Europe, of the continental Europe, Jews are afraid that, that intermarriage means the end of the line. It doesn't always, by any means, and that, that in itself needs to be examined. But I'm just explaining to people what the fear is there. If there were a billion Jews, like there are a billion Christians, Jews would have a very different view emotionally on this issue. Okay, so just want to make that clear to people because a lot of people are totally understandably confused by it, and I thank you, Alan, for that call. But back to our subject here, and it is, it is a really big one. What, what, what role parents should play in giving advice, if at all, and should kids take it with regard to whom they marry? Aaron in Minneapolis, Dennis Prager, hi.

Hi, I wanted to call in and confirm that I think that your parents' influence actually worked very positively in, in my case, and I'll actually tell you why. I actually agree with Alan, your previous caller, because I met my now husband when I was 17 and he was 18, and I was in high school, and I knew within the first week of us dating that this was going to be the man that I spent the rest of my life with. And that scared me. And I actually didn't meet his parents until several weeks after we had already been dating. And it was actually his mother's suggestion that I was going to be 18, I needed to move out of my house, and he was already 18. And I— she saw the effect that I had on him, that I just made him a happier person to be around. And she said, why don't you guys move in together? And so I know your views on cohabitation, but we did move in together, and a year later we were married. I got married 18 years ago.

Why did your parents advise that?

It was actually his parents, and they saw that the effect, the positive effect that I had on him is—

Yeah, but it's not typical. I guess they tend not to be on the conservative side, which is fine. I'm just establishing, because usually parents don't say, especially at that age, why don't you— monitor shack up.

Yeah, exactly. And but it—

they, they had gotten married when they were young, and so their positive influence was in the fact that they were encouraging.

Yes.

This helped you both of you at such a young age believe this was the right person.

Yes. And so then we had lived together for about 6 months and got engaged.

Right, right. But all right, your, your point is the, the positive role, especially you're 18, 19, you, you want reinforcement. Why? You know you're only 18 or 19, or at least a wise 18-year-old knows that. You know what? I am telling you, I did not expect the unanimity of views that I'm getting here from people of all different backgrounds, all different parts of the country, about the positive role— not the positive role, but rather the agreement with me that it can be such an important thing how parents react. The final segment of this is coming up. Even though the lines are taken, give it a try. 1-8-PRAGER-776. 1-8-PRAGER-776. It is not a wise person who says, "I don't care what my parents think," unless you have contempt for the parents on that issue, or you know what they do think and you have rejected it. That's fine. They may say, "Well, he seems mean," and you know he's kind, although That's not likely. We'll be back in a moment. This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this. Popular, happy, well-rounded kids across America are being exploited online through a sinister scheme that leaves them broken, defeated, or worse. January is National Human Trafficking Prevention Month in the U.S. And to raise awareness, SalemNow.com is offering Sexploited in America, the 4-part docuseries from AGA Media, at 50% off. Sexploited in America, now just $4.99 at SalemNow.com. Now back to more of Dennis Prager's timeless wisdom. I tell you, this is a big hour. The young people, the middle-aged, the older, all agreeing that unless the parent is irrational, it's a very good idea to listen to them vis-à-vis whom you're choosing to marry. Now here is one area where it becomes difficult, so let me take this call. Portland, Oregon, Jonathan. Hi, Jonathan.

It is an honor to speak with you, Dennis Prager.

Thank you very much.

Um, my story is growing up I saw a lot of errors that my peers were making in their choices for marriage, so I decided to seek out my parents' advice on who to marry. And I not only got their advice but the advice of all my other siblings, which meant quite a few. And upon their advice that I should not marry her, I called off our engagement. And, uh, then I came to the realization that I couldn't live without her.

Well, here's— but here's the 64,000 peso question: did they give you good reasons?

The reasons that they gave me were based on theology, though she was of the same faith, and, uh, their perception of my change in attitudes and personality from what they were saying.

All right, so what happened? So you ended up marrying her?

I did.

And did that early opposition hurt relations?

Yes, it did indeed.

Have your parents— I didn't tell them about the whole thing. All right, but wait, have your parents come around?

No, they have not.

Oh, well then, then the early opposition is not what hurt the relationship. It's that they're not relating to her now, that is.

Yes.

Okay, that's very important to distinguish. That's the point here. Forgive me for letting you go. It's only the time factor. I'm— that's a terrible mistake of these parents. In fact, do you know I was debating till the last few seconds before this hour which topic I would take, this one or the issue of in-laws hurting marriages. So this is a perfect opportunity for me to tell you there is a book out by divorce lawyers, 100 divorce lawyers, people who know about divorce better than anybody, including probably therapists. And one of the top 10 reasons people divorce, it might have been the top 5, one of the top 5, is meddling in-laws. So while I am absolutely for parental advice, I am also— once the person is there, you love them up. Unless they're evil, you love them up. That's the way it is. You say what you say beforehand, and then you love your child's choice afterwards. Don't go away. This is the Dennis Prager Show. This has been Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Visit DennisPrager.com for thousands of hours of Dennis's lectures, courses, and classic radio programs, and to purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles.