Timeless Wisdom - The Problem of Happiness - Part 3

Welcome to Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Hear thousands of hours of Dennis's lectures, courses, and classic radio programs. And to purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles, go to DennisPrager.com. They should have said unhappiness comes not from expecting too much, but from expecting too little. The only trouble is they wouldn't say it because they know it's nonsense. Because people who expect little probably walk around, if they do it the right way, a lot happier than people who expect a great deal. That's the joke. I'm going to talk about that when I explain what to do with expectations, which I have not yet. But it's, uh, I wish I were at that seminar. Yes, the expectations one, and I'm going to start doing that and then go back to genes and the others a little later. Part 2 of this course will be solutions not to every obstacle individually, but recommendations for happiness as a way of life generally. And that is why the course will be in 16 sessions and not just 8. But let me tell you now, are there any questions therefore not on the expectations issue? Then what I will do is explain expectations, take questions, and move on. But there— yes, please. What's the difference between equality and sameness? As they are used in common parlance, they are rarely distinguished, which is a big problem. That was my major argument against most feminist thinking. I am supportive of basic feminist principles, but not when they cross over the line from equality to sameness. I think that it is generally done. You're quite right, people don't really make a distinction. The reason— part of the reason is in America the term separate but equal has a bad name because that is how southern racists justified segregation and inferior education for blacks. Separate but equal schooling. Well, it was nonsense. It was separate and highly unequal. So separate but equal strikes people as as inherently flawed. Also, the moment you are separate, what if your differentness is something I value? Then again, there's a conflict between separate and equal. People generally want very paradoxical things. So you've hit something very true. People want to be the same, and yet they will do everything to stick out. At the same time, they will do everything not to stick out. People want individual clothing. I mean, you mentioned women, so one of the things women want when they buy clothing is not to look like every other— oh, that one I saw it on 100 women, I wouldn't touch that dress. Right? That's the first reaction. That is why it's so important in some ways to get the newest style and be the first to have it. On the other hand, we don't want to stick out too much unless it is better. Better is okay to stick out. Well, it depends on your society. There's a motto in Japan: the nail that sticks out must be bashed in. Which is why generally you never see a single Japanese tourist. I've been to 65 countries and besides Americans you see Germans and Japanese most frequently traveling. I have never seen a sole Japanese tourist. It is, it is, it doesn't, I don't know. I'm sure it has happened. I simply have never seen it. It is a group society, and I'm certainly not passing any value judgment on it. So it very much depends on the society. So I would just say to you that people have to make up their own minds. What do they really mean by separate but equal? Do we consider in the sexes, in the gender separation, the traditional female role of making a home and raising children, is that considered as valuable as as having an outside-the-home career. Women suspect that with all the nice words that some men may give to child-rearing and homemaking, they tend to value outside career more. And therefore, they were saying, don't give me this stuff about separate roles but equal. Deep down, you really think that outside career is more equal. Now, the truth of the matter is, A lot of men do. Truth of the matter is as well, a lot of men don't. A lot of people think, for both sexes, that they are of equal importance. And ironically, when you die, everybody knows which was of more importance. I've often made the point that if we only had funeral values, life would be far better. The only time I hear a coherent statement of what really matters is when a person drops dead. A guy spends his life trying to get in, getting good grades, get into a good graduate school, get into a good law firm, get into good business, make a lot of money, be a success, make big pictures, be wealthy. Then he drops dead and they never mention any of it. Did you ever hear in a eulogy, "And we are here to bury Martin Goldstein, who graduated from UCLA Phi Beta Kappa"?

Who cares?

Who would be interested? Not only that, he was the chief executive officer for his company. The rabbi would never be invited to give another eulogy in a group. Who the hell cares? What do they talk about? The priest, the minister, or the rabbi? This was a good man. This was a good man. This man gave charity. This woman, anyone who wanted a meal just came over to her house, had it. Look at the children she raised. Yes, one is in jail, but look at the other. It is the only time that I ever hear the values that I would love people to live by valued. It's the values they die by. Nobody ever mentions how much you made when you're dead. Nobody gives a damn. Were you decent? So I just want to add, you know, in thinking about this aloud with you, that while it is true that maybe there was more lip service given to the value of homemaking and child rearing than real value, when all is said and done later, that's exactly what people think is most important. Most people who go to psychiatrists with problems, it's not about their business, it's about their mother. How many people lie on the couch and say, "Doctor, I have to tell you about my partner." Right? In business. My partner in business. Right? No, you know, that is the irony. People don't honestly peruse what's important. That's why I want to do that in this course. I am convinced that if we lived by what we really knew what was important, we would be happier human beings. We follow the glamorous. It is glamorous to be chief executive officer. It is not glamorous to be a parent. It's never put on a curriculum vitae. Oh yeah, the personal. After height and weight, 3 children, right? But that's it. The glamorous is where have you been a partner, in what firm, how much did you make last time, how many digits, and where did you get your degrees. That's glamorous. Inconsequential, but glamorous. The trick is not to be seduced by glamour. It's to be seduced by what you really know is important. It's unbelievably hard to do that. It's one of the reasons I'm so anti-television. It so reinforces the glamorous as a value. I often think about television news, um, I can't say reporters, readers. Television news— what are they, hosts? What are they called? Anchors. Thank you. Anchors. This is the new word, anchor. Think about it. It is the dumbest job I can think of. They read news. But if you look pretty and read news, you make a million dollars. There is no intellectual challenge. Literally, dummies can do it. Dummies do do it. I am in the media. I don't read this. No, it's— but, but is it glamorous? God, is it glamorous! What is glamorous in America? Two things: money and fame, and fame first. To be known is everything. This is a long disquisition, but it's totally related to this stuff. If you aim for glamour, you may achieve it, but you cannot achieve happiness because it's as shallow as the boob tube is. It's as shallow as the half-inch of glass on a television set. It's a Hollywood set. Southern California is the epitome. But it's also true in Connecticut. But this is the epitome of that problem of confusing a Hollywood set for something real. So I believe that there is such a thing as separate but equal, but I think people need to understand what they hope to be significant in order to figure that out. I'm not sure at all that's what you wanted as a response, but, uh, I'm happy that we got to cover some of that ground. Let me take one or two more and then go on.

Yes. Last week you pinpointed the media and psychology as being two of our major problems. Would you also include the fact that women's liberation in the last 10 to 15 years, I'd say, also added to the problem because they've given lip service And they tried to convince women and men, I think, that they could go out and have it all. I mean, they could have glamorous careers, they could have grandchildren, they could become presidents.

Since I'm going to cover it, the having it all idea, since I'm going to cover it, I'm going to hold it for later.

Okay?

One more? Done? Done. Okay. There is one more? Yes? On the podium, why? Question. There's a question on the podium. What would you do if your conservative temple sent you an invitation to a gala New Year's party? Is that the one you had in mind? Oh, okay, that has nothing to do with this course. The answer is that I would, uh, hmm? Oh, then I will speak about, uh, about— that's today. Today is fun and happiness. Thank you. But I thought you meant Jewish New Year's. Oh, that's different. That's the other class. I can't do them both in one class, but it really would be. Are you in the other class? Okay, then I'm going to hold it for next week. Okay, let me talk a little about expectations. Last week I discussed how expectations is an obstacle to happiness. I left, I left you hanging deliberately because I said I would do solutions later. From now on, I'm going to combine obstacles and solutions because they are too intertwined. And then before the end of these 8 sessions, I will be speaking about the genes and the human nature answers, which are much longer than these. I think that I am better prepared to explain how to resolve the problem of expectations bringing on unhappiness this year than I was last year, because I listened to the tapes of questions asked to me And I realized what was bothering people. I still think it will bother some of you because, as I said, of all the suggestions that I have on the subject of happiness, or thus far made publicly, a lot of them will be new in this course in the next term, this by far raised the most problems with people emotionally, intellectually, and otherwise. If it's true that expectations unfulfilled are the major source of happiness in life, indeed, maybe the one source of pain in life, then clearly there's an obvious answer: don't have expectations. Any questions? I know that this sounds extraordinarily radical. It's almost un-American. It's impeachable. It's an impeachable offense. For an American to advocate don't have expectations. Because exactly as he was taught at that seminar, expect to make that sale. Expect to be thin and you'll be thin. Expect to be healthy and you'll be healthy. Expect to be happy, you'll be happy. Put a smile on your happy face. You know, it's really, it's all American. Expect to it and you'll get it. It's the land of endless dreams. Now ironically, I'm a somewhat optimistic type, and yet I have trained myself not to have expectations. Do I have any? It's an ongoing— the one area in all of this is an ongoing debate between my wife and me. She holds that I do have some expectations, and that it's normal and desirable to have Though I think I have moved a drop away from my radicalism, just a drop, and I think she has moved more than a drop towards mine. But I'll have to ask her after the class to see if that is absolutely true. Be that as it may, it's my solution. And what happens when you minimize your expectations? Okay? Because if I tell you to have none, I am asking the impossible for most of you. I work on having virtually none. I say virtually because there must be something. I mean, you know, I don't walk around thinking— do I expect to be— I don't expect to be hit by a car, you know, and so on. But by and large I don't. And even on the hit by a car, I will talk about that in a moment. Nevertheless, minimize your expectations as much as is humanly possible, and you will maximize, you will increase happiness. Because, and I will discuss this later, either later now or later in the course, you can draw, my dear friends, the following equation. It seems to me almost mathematical in its precision. The fewer your expectations, the greater your gratitude. And the greater your gratitude, the greater your happiness. It's an equation that I don't know offhand an exception to that is how important it is. The more expectations you have, the less gratitude you will have. After all, let's be honest, if you expect to get a job and you get the job, why would you be grateful? If you don't expect to get a job and you get the job, you'll be incredibly grateful. You expect to be healthy, so tomorrow morning you wake up healthy. And are you going to get up and say, "Whoa, I am unbelievably grateful that I am healthy today"? The only ones who will say that are the ones who don't expect it. Kids expect a gift, they're not grateful for it. Give them a gift when they don't expect it, they're very grateful for it. It's called being spoiled or not spoiled. Spoiled people can never be grateful. It's part of the definition of being spoiled. You've got all these expectations. I expect to be healthy, expect to have gifts, I expect to be beautiful, I expect to be healthy, happy, etc., etc. You're finished. And anybody who has to live with you might get a condolence card from you. Let me give you the example of a job because it came up as a question to me. Last year, and it was an extremely good and personal way for me to explain my attitude. Someone says to me, Dennis, you mean to say we're going to go to a job interview and we should not expect to get the job? What kind of attitude is that? It's the opposite of what we're taught. And it is, it's the opposite of what Americans are taught. The positive thinking crowd tell you to expect to get it. Of course, the positive thinking crowd are not there to pick you up when you didn't get it. They took your money in the positive thinking course, but they're not there to find out what happens when your positive thinking didn't work and you're much worse off than before you took the positive thinking course. First of all, my friends, 200 people apply for the job, okay? And if you're an actor or an actress, actress, as some are here, 3,000 may apply for the job. What if all 3,000 take the positive thinking course? All 3,000 expect to get the job. 2,999 people who should not have been unbelievably depressed have become unbelievably depressed. Expecting to get the job is a recipe for misery. You see, what happens is in the press they will then interview the one actress who got the job. And she will say, "It's positive thinking. I just knew when I was a kid. I expected it my whole life and I knew I would get it." And then you read that and you say, "You see, it's because she expected it that she got it." How come they never interview the ones who didn't get the job?

I am—

I, because I'm talking about happiness and not glamour, I'm much more interested in the 2,999 who never got the job. That's you and me. That's real life. Not the one who got the job. What happens to the 2,999 who walked in with expectations? They fell into the classic Buddhist mold of having pain from expectations unfulfilled. So now I'll tell you the personal story. I've been a radio talk show host for 7 years on KABC. KABC is the talk show show in town. Most— it's actually the most profitable talk show, talk radio station in America.

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Now listen carefully. This will help you immensely. I went into the interview as follows: Believing A) There is no one in the world who deserves this job more than I. B) I am eminently qualified. C) I deserve it. D) I'm terrific. E) I don't expect to get. You get the difference? No, I don't. Hold on, hold on. He doesn't.

He doesn't.

Good. It wasn't a rhetorical question. The answer is he doesn't get the difference. I'm just curious, without my explaining, how many of you do get the difference? Now. Okay. I was realistic. A very positive view of my capabilities. Nobody goes up on talk radio and talks to hundreds of thousands of people without confidence. I mean, you would die at the microphone. You have to have chutzpah, confidence, a little arrogance probably. Of course that's true. So I'm a good example of someone to offer you the distinction between expectations and self-image, expectations and desires, expectations and hopes, expectations and ambitions, expectations and plans. Have expectations, have plans, have goals, have wants, have desires, but don't expect to get it. That's what I'm telling you. I want to be healthy. I want to be many things. I don't expect them. Why didn't I expect to get the radio job, thinking that I am the most qualified? And having heard what else is on the air, I don't want to tell you what I now think. I realize what is the truth in life. A, you don't always get what you deserve. B, there may in fact be 10 others as deserving as me. I said no one deserves it more than me, but I didn't say no one deserves it as much as me. I don't know that. There are other good people. No one gives commentaries like Bruce Hershenson, in my opinion. The man is an encyclopedia, whether you agree with him or not. His knowledge is devastating. So I didn't expect it. I knew too that there's luck. Ladies and gentlemen, it is a word that is rarely used except for the words good luck. But there's a lot of luck. I was once very friendly with a concert pianist. I know classical music quite well. It's the one art I can truly say I can hold my own with the with the Mavens. Why isn't she a household name with recordings with RCA or Deutsche Grammophon? I promise you, if you heard her Beethoven, you could not tell the difference and might even prefer it to half the ones who have international recording contracts. Now, the fact of the matter is, there's a very simple reason. I'll give you another example.

I'll give you an example.

Last week my wife and I heard the orchestra of the Academy of Ancient Music at the Pasadena. This terrific period orchestra from the classical period using original instruments from the time. I know Beethoven's Violin Concerto virtually by heart. I have heard it played on record were alive, by the greatest—Nathan Milstein, Jascha Heifetz, everybody. I heard a version last week which could stand with any of them by a woman I never heard of in my life. How could that be? The answer is very simple. There's just a limited number of recording contracts for violinists. There are far more great violinists than there are recording contracts. So obviously some deserving people won't get it. There are X number of talk show host positions in Southern California and X number of people who might be very qualified. Ask any actor or actress this: are those who don't get the big roles less capable? Do all with great ability rise? Oh, please. Not at all. And are all who rose of great ability? The amount of luck that goes into getting positions in media is stupendous. The right person at the right time in the right place is just a lot of luck. And I know that. So I went into this interview thinking the most positive things in the world about myself and my work, but not expecting to get the job. When I got it, I was thrilled. Grateful. Grateful to the woman who made it possible, who brought my name to KABC. Grateful to KABC. Grateful to God. Grateful to luck. Just grateful. And had I not got it, gotten it? Well, there are a lot of things I haven't gotten in my life. I'll give you the example of what I haven't gotten in the same exact area. I'm being personal because it'll help you. I don't like to be, but it's the best that I can do in this particular course. I think I deserve a national talk show. I listen to some of the national talk show hosts and I can't believe it. Why is this guy going into 220 cities and me not? But I don't walk around depressed over it. I know I deserve it. I don't have it. If it happens, wow! I don't expect it. I truly don't. I truly deserve it, but I truly don't expect it. Do you understand? That's why it's not negative. People last term thought I was telling you to feel negative about yourself. I tell you, have the most positive view of your ability. But why do you expect it to be rewarded? That's not the way life works. It's just not the way it works. And you gotta know that. And a sober view of life helps you celebrate whatever you do get. Because I have to understand too all the luck I got, I have in getting the job to begin with. And by the way, it's also helpful because I don't take for granted that I'll be employed tomorrow there. I don't expect not to get fired. I believe I deserve to be re-employed. Hey, I was bumped for a cooking show. That is demeaning. Hey, you know, they said, "Listen, Dennis, sorry, we're bumping you because we're going to have Dan Rather on." Okay, what am I going to do? Dan Rather, the guy's a household name. I was bumped for This Week's Casserole. You understand that? 2 years I talk my heart out every night of the week on the radio, and I get the news that a cook is coming on. Sorry, then. We'll get more— what was the reasoning? I was number 1 at the time. That's the big joke. The show was number 1 at the time. Wasn't enough. They get more revenue from ads from supermarkets. And food manufacturers. And that's the way it is in capitalism. That's the way it works. More ads for a cooking show, a cooking show. And if they'd have gotten more ads for a pet show, I'd have been removed for a pet show. And they now have a pet show. I, I— you must understand though the beauty of all of this, by not relying on expectations, my self-image doesn't suffer. My self-image is not entirely, but very largely independent of expectations of the issue. Since I don't expect success in these arenas— now obviously, if every article I ever wrote was rejected, if every time I wanted to give a speech I was never given a speech, I mean, if I failed in every single endeavor, I would be depressed, obviously, I'm not an idiot. Of course, I'd also be poor. And both are depressing. I understand that. But you must understand that there was no self-image crisis when I got removed from a cooking show. What I thought was the station was crazy, not me. Very important. Now let me make it more radical. I would even hold it with regard to things like health. You expect to be healthy, I believe that you are setting yourself up for an eventual depression. If pain comes from expectations unmet, fulfill. Maybe 1% of you will die when you are very old without any illness, in your sleep. Which is what we all wish for, right? Maybe 1% of you will die like that. Probably 99% of us will have disease and illness and pain. I don't want it. I'm not aiming for it. I try to work out. I try to do certain things. Sometimes I take vitamins, not frequently enough according to my wife, but nevertheless do. I work to be healthy. I don't work out 3 hours a day because I'd rather die sooner and build my brain. I'm very silly. In other words, I've made a trade-off. But I do work out. I do watch what I eat. I don't— I mean, there are things that I want. I want to be healthy. I work to be healthy, but I don't expect it. So what happens? I am one nut who does wake up grateful to be healthy. But if I expected it, I wouldn't. All I would do is be bitter when I'm not. I expect to get the flu this year. If I don't, I'll be thrilled. I get it every goddamn year. The slightest strain, you know, there's a Tibetan flu, 4 people got it, I'm the 5th. You have to understand that. But I will truly be happy if I don't. I don't want it. Now I could just see some science of mind person going crazy listening to this. He expects to get the flu, he'll get it.

I don't believe in it.

That to me is literally like voodoo. You know, stab the doll and it'll hurt somebody else. I don't believe in this stuff. I don't want the flu, I can't stand the flu, I hate the flu. But if I don't get it this year, hey, I expected to have allergies this fall. This is the first fall in 13 years in Southern California California. I am not wheezing. I'm thrilled. How many of you are thrilled for not wheezing? All right, clearly. Okay, so do you understand the point? I expected, 'That's going to be another fall, I'm going to wheeze.' I'm not wheezing this fall. I'm thrilled. I walk around thrilled. I'm exaggerating. I don't walk around thrilled, but I do walk around great. Don't you understand it is so possible to drive yourself crazy with expectations? That is why, incidentally, it is so cultivating of gratitude. That's the point. It so cultivates gratitude in you. And you never take it for granted. I am grateful for the fact that I have a microphone to speak my mind 7 hours times a week to very many people. My brother once said to me— he's a very articulate doctor— he says, I envy you. I get upset with the newspaper, with the news, I yell at my wife. You yell at hundreds of thousands of people. He's right. Most people get— my father doesn't yell at his wife, he yells at the tube. He actually yells back at the newscaster. Ah, you're full of it, that's ridiculous, eh? Turns the channel and he thinks they died. He now has a satellite. I am convinced the reason is he can kill 256 newscasters at a time. He's a passionate man, my father. So I'm very grateful for that stuff. And I tell you, it just goes across the board with children, with even having children. People expect to have children, but why? A lot of people can't have children. Then you have a child, you expect to have a healthy child. A lot of people don't. Then you expect to have a bright child. A lot of people don't. Expect to have a successful child. A lot of people don't. It's endless, endless with expectations. You can go crazy, and people do. So have ambition, Vision, have goals. My friends, your goals should be as high as the stars. I do believe in that. Aim as high as you can. Just don't expect it. In the proverbial manner, aim to be president. Don't expect it. How about dreaming? Someone said, how about dreaming? Well, I don't know what No, I don't know what that means. Someone would have to define it. Well, okay, no, define expectations. Expectations mean I expect it to happen. I mean, I'm using the same word to define it. Expect has an element of knowledge. It should happen. It will happen. I anticipate that it will be a fact. That's very different from hoping. It's very different from planning. It's very different from all these other things I've said. Now I'll take questions on expectations. Yes.

You don't get it. You don't get it.

I think you're fooling yourself, then. You didn't really expect it. You changed good expectations to good attitude. A person who expects to get a job is going to be more disappointed than one who doesn't expect to get a job. My friends, to me, it's very elementary stuff. I'm asking you not to have that attitude of expecting Well, I was in control. Yes, because I was in control of myself. I am not in control of my health. I am not in control of my children's fates. I am not in control of whether I get the job. I expect to write good articles. That is correct, because I am in control of my writing. That's a fair— that's good. I like that. It's a good That's a good thing. Expect in that regard, expect that what you can 100% control that and are capable of doing, that you'll do. Okay, a gardener should expect that his jobs be good gardening jobs. He shouldn't expect to get gardening jobs. Okay, so that's a fair— that's what the one fair ammendation that I will have accepted in 2 years where you are entirely in Being in control is the one place that I would allow myself to have expectations, where I am 100% in control. Yes. This is another aspect. I find it true that when I'm, for instance, traveling around and I see a sight that I anticipate seeing, like the first time I saw the Grand Canyon to me was a booming disappointment. Travelling around and I come upon a museum or a building, uh, serendipitously, I'm just thrilled and awed by it. Excellent example. That's true. He expected to be overwhelmed by the Grand Canyon, Grand Canyon, so he ended up underwhelmed. Expected to see nothing on a certain road and found a nice old church and he was overwhelmed. Yes, that's fair. That's right. Give you a religious example. It's one of the reasons that later I will be speaking with regard to religion. There is a prayer in Judaism which my brother the doctor recites. I am not as observant as he, so I don't yet recite this particular one, mainly because it's too long and I can't memorize it. But it is a blessing said said by observant Jews every time they leave the bathroom after relieving themselves. The blessing in Hebrew basically goes— I'll obviously say it in English— is, 'Oh, bless you, God, for opening those things which should be open and closing those things which ought to be closed.' Because if one of the things that should have been opened closed, and if one of the things that should have if it didn't close open, I would be erect. With very little liberty of translation, that is exactly what the thing says. My brother is in internal medicine. He knows if anything went in the wrong direction or closed when it should be open by erect people. Now, how many of you leave the bathroom grateful for urine? Can you imagine, come out of the bathroom and you're with your husband or wife or a date, "Oh God, I'm so grateful." And they say, "For what?" "For urinating." But you know what? If you have that attitude in life, you end up happier. Don't you see? That is, this is the first in our 3 sessions, 4 and a half hours together, is the first time I've offered you a solution to an obstacle. And it is a tremendous— by the way, you ask people who have trouble urinating or defecating, and they will tell you, God, should you be happy! In fact, to someone with trouble urinating or defecating, they would define happiness as the ability to do so. George Bernard Shaw said— I'm not tongue-in-cheek in this at all— George Bernard Shaw said, to a man with a toothache, happiness is not having a toothache. I am asking you who don't have toothaches to realize that. There is so much therefore by not having expectations. To be grateful for and therefore happy for. Disappoint you, cause you some sort of misery when others don't meet them.

That's the only thing that causes me happiness. I'd be miserable if I didn't set standards for myself.

Okay, let me just tell you, my general rule of thumb is: from others, demand a great deal Expect nothing. To which some of you are saying, God, is that pessimistic. To which I say to you, given the history of mankind, that is so sober, so realistic. Except in the rare cases—

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People that you have reason to trust, and we'll talk about that probably in the next— in part 2 of this course. How do you know who to trust? People are so frequently disappointed by, uh, by others, that, uh, that's where it comes in. I, uh, I have rarely been hurt by people. I have been, but much less frequently, to the best of my knowledge, than people that I talk to. And the reason for that is, one, because of the attitude that I hold, uh, but two, oh, and as a result, just let me say, as a result I walk around frequently thrilled at the good people I meet. The bad people don't get me down nearly as much as the good people inspire me. I get call after call and people writing in who would speak about their disappointment with people. How could you be disappointed if you don't expect anything? So what people then end up doing is going to the other extreme. Oh, everybody stinks. That's not true. Most people do. That's a very important distinction between most and everybody. And the trick is to find those who don't, to try to elevate the others, people Some people are elevatable. Otherwise I wouldn't do the work I do. I believe very deeply that people can be elevated. I also believe that some don't want to be and will never be. It's a difference in approach that some like myself have in the media and others who have, you know, smutty type shows. Geraldo appeals to the lowest. I'm very serious. I mean, that's the point. Because he's not out there to elevate, he's out there to make a living. So it's a different attitude.

Yes? I think that many people would say— I wouldn't challenge you— but you said most would be more than half.

Yeah. All right. You don't believe that.

That's very dangerous.

Okay, what if I said 50%? At what point did I become cynical? At what percent? 49. 49? Okay, I'll say 49. You think I want you to think I'm cynical? 49%. There you go. You're happy. I'm happy. Yes. As you were talking about expectations, I was thinking about interviews that I've heard or seen with great athletes, great writers, great— expects to be president. And I must tell you, now that I think about it, I'm frightened by people who expect such such things because it is— that is what is known. And I'm only using him because he's a current example, but I think anyone who expects such a thing— in other words, what you're really saying is it's a divine right. Kings expected to be kings because of the divine right of kings. People who expect to be something, I fear, think they deserve it. You should have healthy confidence to be— to run for President of the United States, or for that matter, to be a waiter. I'm dead serious about that, having been a waiter only at a camp. I mean, not a full-time, but I took great pride in my work. I wanted to be the best waiter I could be. I really did. And that's an important thing. But I am fearful of those who expect grandiose things, because why would they expect it unless there is some deep belief that they are divinely appointed in some way? Hitler believed that. Hitler was not an atheist. He was irreligious, he was anti-religious, but he was not an atheist. He believed he was doing God's work and God had appointed him to be the head of Germany. That's why he could be so ruthless. The rest of us have some doubts. So expectation is a very, very edged sword. Not double-edged, well, because one of the edges isn't that good. It's just bad. Where there was a hand there. Yes? No, good. I'm glad you're asking, so this should be cleared this session. If I'm I'm demanding something from someone, aren't I really expecting it? No, I am demanding of— I demand of Americans to vote on election day. Do I personally expect them to do so? Of course not. I'd be a jerk. I'd be disappointed every election day. It's constant. Demands are demands. Expectations are water in me. No, that's the whole point. I'm demanding that he does so, and if he doesn't do so, then I may fire him. I mean, obviously, if it's a simple thing, if I demand that the employee not steal, well, even then, I don't know. If I trust a human being, I will develop some expectation. But again, When it is where the person is 100% in control. My employee is 100% in control of whether or not he or she will steal from my company. Okay? Therefore, an expectation wherein I know the person and have reason to expect, then I can have that. But otherwise, there are— it is possible to make demands without expectations. Patience. Yes. Yeah, we've seen there are some reasonable expectations for us to hold when we examine this outside of first-person singular and look for other people. It seems we have the right to reasonably expect that people behave similarly. No, we have a right to demand it. You have a right to expect anything. You have a right to expect to meet members of a UFO But I don't think that— I don't— the right to do so you have. Whether you want to do so is a course on happiness. Your happiness will be decreased as the number of expectations increase. You have a right to demand civil behavior from your fellow neighbor. If you expect civil behavior from your neighbor, let me ask you something. If you stalled on the highway, okay, at night. What are your expectations? We all know what civil behavior is. Now let me ask you, you personally, what would you expect? Huh? Any other expectations? Let me ask you this: would you walk in the dark, on the dark freeway, alone, to a box? Well, I was— all right, but the very fact that you hesitated and added a qualifier means that you also expect that it's possible you'll get mugged, which is what sober people do. They have a number of expectations, so you calculate what is most likely to happen. The fact of the matter is— okay, but you expect to be helped eventually. Eventually. I would also think that it would happen eventually. But I would do everything in my power to prevent myself from getting mugged. You know, what has to do here is what has to do with the woman who thought I'm cynical saying 51% of the world stinks. I don't want to get into this at great length, but I must tell you that in the 20th century there has been so much evil by so many people to so many people. I don't mean not stopping by their store to talk. I mean rape and murder and torture of such great numbers. 100 million were killed in this century outside of war. You hear that? Outside of war. Many more including wars. You know, I don't know what it means. Do you know that whenever there is a But it's very rare that it happens now. But I used to cut this out of magazines in New York City. If somebody went to the top of a building threatening to jump, bystanders would gather and go, "Jump! Jump!" So do you know what? I have an expectation of the following: that someone in any major American city who threatens suicide by jumping off a building will be greeted by people below yelling, "Jump!" I also expect some people to show up and beg him not to jump. Reality teaches me something. Why do you have to walk into a wall of naïveté? You know why? Because it's too painful to recognize both what is in many of us, the selfishness and the darkness in our our own souls, and because it's so dispiriting to many to recognize it in others. But I am beyond dispiriting. One man who devoted his life to studying the Holocaust wrote, "You cannot study the Holocaust and remain the same person you were before you studied it." And as I was studying it again for the first time I could read about it after After 20 years, 15 years of not being able to pick up books about it, I just got re-immersed in it for the article I wrote in the last issue of my Ultimate Edition, which many of you will be receiving. And it is true, you cannot be the same person after you know of the evil that was done by so many to so many. You can't. But you have a choice. I don't only mean an emotional choice. An intellectual choice about whether or not to let that dispirit you. So I can walk around with what sounds cynical, but not be cynical. I do believe that most people are not particularly good. I'll tell you how I once said it on the radio: I think 20% of the world is very good, 20% of the world is evil, and the rest are weak. That is what I believe. There is every reason in the world to believe that to be true. 20% of the world are very good, 20% are evil, 20— the other 60% are weak. Weak. Most people won't fight. When a disgusting thing is said by a caller on Religion on the Line, I've seen it. I'll give you one example. I'm not just going to say Specific ones, I don't want to get anybody in trouble. A caller will call in and do something disgusting. Either make some awful comment about, unfair comment about someone there or about a group of people. Maybe once in a while one of the clergy will fight. They all take offense. I've never met an evil clergyman. That I will say. Of all the professions in the world, they are the single nicest people I've ever met. But most of them, like most people elsewhere, are weak. They won't fight. Most Germans did not touch a Jew in World War II. But very few people fought. It's true anytime. It's true in a classroom situation. I was a— it's true in bunks. I was a counselor, a camp counselor for years. Most kids didn't bully other kids. Most kids did nothing when one of the kids was bullied. Most people are not cruel, but most people don't fight cruelty. But you're not good if you don't fight cruelty. See, our definition in America of good is so blasé, it's so wishy-washy, everybody fits it. I don't hurt anybody. Not hurting anybody doesn't make you good. Not hurting anybody only means you're not evil. The evil hurt people. The sheep do nothing. Most people don't fight. That's why I said that. Most people aren't Hitlers, but most people aren't anti-Hitler either. People aren't fighters. And to do good, you have to fight evil. And in the world as it stands, do I expect most people to fight evil? No, I don't. I expect most people to be voyeurs in an accident. I hate that trait in people. Stand around and gawk. I always honk the poor schmuck in front of me who stops to peer over. First, because I'm angry that he's ruining traffic, and secondly, for being a voyeur. If you stop your car to walk over to help, God bless you, but otherwise you're just a hindrance. That's all. So having this view of humanity Do I walk around thrilled with humanity? No, I don't. But I walk around thrilled with humans. I don't love humanity, but I do love more humans than most people do. Because I so love and revere the good ones that I know. I know what treasures they are. That's a great attitude, and it's a great richness in life. So it's not cynical at all, not at all. Yes, please. —get the job, but your expectations are the one that is a negative result. Well, first, maybe it's true, but not that I know of. I don't expect negatives unless there's a reason to. My expectations—let's erase this—my expectations are predicated on reason, not on attitude or emotion. If you would have said to me before my job interview, Dennis, do you expect to get the job? I would I would have said, "Wait a minute, I'll tell you in a minute. Are they going to try me out on radio? Is it only going to be on an interview? Will they ask people what their radio experience is? Will that matter? Who am I up against?" With those 4 details, I would have told you what I expect. People make expectations because they are told it's a good attitude to do so. Do you get what I'm saying? Expectations should be based on reality. Not on attitude. Positive thinking is terrific, but it should not have an impact on expectations. That's what I'm talking about. If you would have given me the answers to those questions when I knew that I would be the first tried out on radio, my expectations rose a little higher. Oh, I know I'll do well on radio. But I didn't know who else was competing. I didn't know I didn't know if he needed background. In other words, I just need to know those things. But just based on positive thinking, I think that that's silly. Expectation presumes knowledge. My knowledge of the circumstances. That's why I asked this gentleman, what if it's a dark area? So he had to think for a moment. Where is it? Do I really have to walk to the phone booth? Then you know what to expect. That's all but I don't believe in it as an attitude. I believe it is a reasoned analysis of the situation. Yes. [INAUDIBLE] Very good question, and I won't answer it now because gratitude is going to have its own section. Okay. He asked what percentage of happiness is gratitude. I'm tempted to say 100%. I really am. But there were many other factors too. Yes.

Um, I think what you're saying too, happiness amounts— happiness is the lack of expectation, the lack of expectation, the irrational expectation.

You're in control of the success. You have a rational expectation. That's right. When you know something about one of your employees, some information is rational expectation. That's right.

When you go into a job, you have no idea if the job exists, and you can simply say it can exist in every possible scenario. So you don't really have any rational expectations.

You hit it on the— you summarized it beautifully. You should only have expectations when there are rational, as opposed opposed to just attitudinal feeling-based reasons to have them. Exactly. Yes, please.

But you're also saying that life is not fair. Mm-hmm.

Go on, ergo.

So even if you come up with all these rational expectations, you may not get it. Give me an example. A job. You may have had all That's right.

Plus, hey, you're not going to get an argument from me. I couldn't support you more. I have rational reasons to expect to be healthy tomorrow. So there's a good— but I know, but you see, I'm not in full control of it. So it's got to be rational and you have to be in full control. Someone asked me, do I expect— or I said it— do I expect my articles to be good. Yeah, because I write them. Exactly. I write them so I have control over them. I expect them to be good. But I don't have full control over my health. I don't have full control over other people. That's all. It works. I'm telling you, this thing works. By the way, let me tell you something that was raised last year. I was not accused of cynicism. But I was accused of this being a protective device, and I pleaded 100% guilty to the charge. I absolutely agree it is a protective device. To which I then countered, what the hell is wrong with protective devices? If spears are being thrown at you, it is very worthwhile to have a shield. Life throws spears. I don't think that you should be protected in the sense that you cannot react I won't act normally. In other words, I'm so protected from any hurt that I won't let anybody touch my heart. I won't let anybody love me. I won't love anybody. I won't make any real friends because I don't want to be disappointed. That is protection that kills you. You might as well be dead already. You don't need spears thrown at you. You've already stabbed yourself. You're already dead. But there is nothing wrong with healthy defenses against a life that is difficult. I mean, for people to walk around thinking everybody is good, that is like saying, "There is still a spot here that hasn't been attacked. Could you please get it?" I don't even understand that attitude. Now, you see, the subtle differences are important. Why, upon meeting every individual, think, This is a potential Nazi. Can you fix your microphone? What can I do with it? I'm—

Americans have a big healthcare problem. Over 100 million US citizens carry medical debt. But that's not the whole story. With health insurance, your out-of-pocket and monthly costs are way too high. You get surprise bills denied claims, and poor customer service. That's a serious burden. As Christians, we don't have to pay for a broken system. Christian Healthcare Ministries is an alternative to health insurance at half the cost. You can enroll at any time and join a proven faith-based solution that's both reliable and affordable. CHM isn't just health, it's financial and spiritual support when you need it most. Families across the country count on CHM to step in during their hardest moments, and it works. Stand up to health insurance with a low-cost biblical solution. Join CHM today by visiting chministries.org/wellness. That's chministries.org/wellness. Americans have a big healthcare problem. Over 100 million US citizens carry medical debt debt. But that's not the whole story. With health insurance, your out-of-pocket and monthly costs are way too high. You get surprise bills, denied claims, and poor customer service. That's a serious burden. As Christians, we don't have to pay for a broken system. Christian Healthcare Ministries is an alternative to health insurance at half the cost. You can enroll at any time and join a proven faith-based solution that's both reliable and affordable. CHM isn't just help, it's financial and spiritual support when you need it most. Families across the country count on CHM to step in during their hardest moments, and it works. Stand up to health insurance with a low-cost biblical solution. Join CHM today by visiting chministries.org/wellness.

That's chministries.org How's that now? Perfect. Oh, you see, that's right. Very good to complain. Now, at least until my chapter on complaining. What was the last point? Oh, do I need a guy to go, "He's a Nazi." No, I don't. The truth of the matter is, upon meeting a person at that first. See, let me explain to you, see, this really gets— that's why this, I realize as I'm writing the book, it ends up philosophy. It ends, it's so much of life. I know how much evil people are capable of. I know how much good people are capable of. And I also believe my 20%, 20%. I don't believe when I meet a person that they're in either 20%, neither the 1/5 that are evil, are evil, nor the one-fifth that are unbelievably good. I assume by the law of averages I'm going to hit somebody in the 60%. That isn't in either case. But I do believe that among those 60% of humanity, if you treat those people in a certain way, you're probably going to be treated similarly in return. So I can have a positive way of acting. But if it comes to real trust, then obviously I want to know much more about a person. That's all. That is why I always, when I speak to singles who are dating, thinking of marrying, I tell them that they are unbelievably foolish if they do not have a clear sense of the character of the person they are dating. And it is the last thing that I ever read about or hear about among people dating. They know all their interests. They love tennis, they love concerts, they love fun. Don't smoke, of course. This is the sanctum sanctorum. I heard you should. I have asked people, I have asked single women on my radio show, two guys, same in every way except different in two ways. One of them smokes, but he's very honest in his business dealings. The other one doesn't smoke, but he's not so honest in his business dealings. Oh boy, he said, I don't want either. Or, well, I don't know. Or a lot of thought given to the question. I find that incredible. It's incredible. As if men of good character or women of good character are a dime a dozen. And then people wonder why they're hurt all the time. People of good— who aren't of good character will hurt you. I always tell people on a date, see how the person you're dating treats the waitress, not how the person treats you. Obviously while dating you'll be treated beautifully. The person's not an idiot. So that is why I stress character as much for selfish reasons as for altruistic reasons. People of good character will hurt me less. Okay? I have a simple selfish reason for stressing character. It's not religious, not biblical, it's purely selfish. Selfish. I'd rather be with nice people, they'll hurt me less. I don't understand, that's why it's the ongoing riddle of my life. Truly, the biggest riddle I don't understand. Why people are not preoccupied with how do you make good people. We wonder how you make good doctors, good lawyers, good surgeons, good politicians, good teachers, good everything except good people. On purely selfish grounds, I don't understand why that that is not the most important question society asks. So anyway, it's not cynicism. Yes? Speaking of when another person is involved regarding expectations, is it unreasonable or a recipe for unhappiness if you expect your wife to not commit adultery? Any other questions? About expecting expectations from others. Is it unreasonable to expect your wife not to commit adultery? It was asked last term. I don't remember the answer I gave. I have to work that one through because it's obviously such an extremely sensitive question. But I would argue that, you know, without getting emotional on this, that I don't know exactly why that would differ from other expectations of honesty, decency, loyalty in many areas of life. I would say that the better you know somebody, The more you trust them, the more you will have reason— remember, that was the thing we said— reason to expect something. But remember, you're not entirely in control there. That was one of the things. In other words, I am not entirely in control of my wife, or vice versa. You can expect yourself not to commit adultery. Okay, that, that I think. But I, I would only add that it's probably— I think it's probably worth having that expectation. That's one of the few times it's an area of such profound intimacy that to walk around expecting otherwise is— would be injurious. Because what's your alternative? You don't expect your wife to be faithful. You don't expect your husband to be faithful. You know, what's the choice in effect there? So it's almost a unique situation where I would argue that based on increasing trust, etc., it is worth having. I would only add one word, that if someone were to say I expect it. And therefore, if it— if there should be a failure in that area, that's the end of the marriage. I think that the person is making an error. That's the issue, by the way, in Woody Allen's movie that I've recommended to you. Isn't it great? He— the man felt that after all those years of a good marriage, what he had had with had now an affair, his wife would not forgive him and she would end the marriage and break up the family. So do I think that that is a wise thing to do? No. But I think that to walk around any other way in a marriage is just to be neurotic. I mean, just to drive yourself crazy. So it's a rare, rare time where I think it probably is worthwhile to have that Dennis Prager. Uh, yes? What about internal struggles?

There you know yourself the best. You're able to say 100% control. Well, the person doesn't always do what they want themselves to do. Why are the most unhappy people dieters who cannot stay on the diet that they are on?

So what, what is the question with regard to expectations? Person is dieting, is in control. No, it may not have been rational for the person to expect it. There were two things necessary for expectations: you're 100% in control and you have rational reasons to assume it. If I go on a diet, I am in control, but I do not have rational reason to assume I will live by it. I know me. Okay, that's the difference. I can only say this: if I live on the Nutri— what is it called? Is that— no, what's the one that the LaSorda used? Ultra Slim Fast. If I lived on Ultra Slim Fast, I expect to lose weight. That's a fair your expectations based on reason. Let me go on to one other thing because I didn't want to— I don't want to spend the whole day on this. But next week feel free to ask. God, my voice is really giving the microphone competition. Okay. The next obstacle is guilt. Clearly by your reaction, none of you experience It's a very funny thing. I'll tell you a personal story. This was not on my obstacles list last year, but a man came over to me after one of the classes and said, what about guilt? And it just— I realized, my God, that I missed is a biggie in so many people's lives. It was simply not one that afflicts me terribly. But, and I'll tell you why, because I have more or less digested the solution. The solution to the problem of guilt is simply stated but probably lived with some difficulty. And the solution is to understand that there are two types of guilt: necessary and unnecessary. That's profound. It's so obvious when I say it, you should have realized— you're thinking, it's not one of those things, why didn't I think of that? Again, what do people do? People so frequently go into extremes. They will either say you should never have guilt, it's completely self-destructive, or there are the guilt mongers, right? Why didn't you call? I love that when, from a friend, a parent, you finally call and you get yelled at for not calling. Which needless to say can only create the following scenario: "You won't call again!" I got that today from a guy I used to work with. He spent half the call yelling at me for not calling him. Why would that ever induce me to call him? My dear friend Joseph Telushkin has made the case so profound that guilt and anger are so deeply related, and if you induce guilt in somebody, body you are saying, "Be angry at me." It's not usually a very productive weapon. But this is very important. A purely guilt-free life we don't want either. First of all, we don't want it for the obvious moral reason. People who can never feel guilty are people who will do horrible things. If Nazis had felt guilty, we wouldn't have had a Holocaust. I mean, obviously. The Night Stalker is apparently guilt-free. I am told when I read about some of the gang members that these are conscienceless people, something you and I I can literally not understand. It's almost like saying these are people without a heart and a liver and a pancreas. How do they live? I don't know how you live without a conscience. Therefore, here is my rule of thumb, and it's just a rule of thumb, it's not ironclad, but it's pretty strict. We should only feel guilty in the ethical sphere. Not elsewhere. Give you the classic example: masturbation is not an unethical act, generally speaking. Anything can become— I mean, somebody who does not pay any attention to his spouse because he masturbates all the time, it has ethical implications, though there are probably so many other deeper reasons reasons involved there, that it's not an issue for this particular moment. But by and large, I'm giving you a classic example of an act that the vast majority of mankind, well more than 51%, has engaged in. And historically, kids were told horrible things will happen Makes you feel terribly guilty. You'll lose your hair, you'll lose your this, you'll lose the thing you use, you'll lose everything. You'll lose your mind, you'll lose your sight. I have heard all of those things, not told to me. Bless my father, he raised me in a very different atmosphere, which given that he's an Orthodox Jew is particularly praiseworthy. But generally speaking, I remember as a camp counselor, I remember this with great warmth. The first night of camp, I always had 13-year-old boys, the world's most difficult human beings except the 13-year-old girls. And I was given the most difficult bunk each year because I was the biggest Jew they had ever seen. Seat. It was simply physical, not because I was talented or bright. I was larger than them. That was all. So I could basically beat them all up. I think that was the criteria. At any rate, the first night of camp, I would walk around the bunk and give them a speech about about the birds and the bees and the bears and the antelopes and everything. And I would tell them— this was an Orthodox Jewish camp and I knew what they had been taught either at home or by some rabbi from Eastern Europe— and I said, "Boys, don't worry about it. It's not the only thing you should do in your life. But on the other hand, don't worry about it." 'God's will will always be done and has always been done.' And I gave them funny stories and everything. The relief that came out, I mean these big sighs of relief, of gratitude, of thanks. That is unnecessary guilt. People walk around with a lot of unnecessary guilt. But there is necessary guilt. I want you to feel guilty if you steal from your company. Yes, I want you to feel guilty if you cheat on your spouse. Yes, there are things that are worthy of guilt. Now why? Why? Remember, this is not a moral course. This is a happiness course. Why, for the sake of happiness, should you be able to feel guilt? Right? That's the question here. We all know why morally, but why in purely selfish terms of happiness? The answer is, if you are capable of feeling guilt, it means that you have self-esteem. It means that you feel in control of your life. If I steal from my company and I feel guilty, What am I saying? I'm saying, Dennis, you are above that. That doesn't suit you. You're above such an act. You see the point I'm making? Only someone who has an ability to say, I am too worthy to do such a thing, can be able to feel healthy guilt. A good way of putting it is not just necessary or unnecessary, it's healthy and unhealthy guilt. I am above that act. I know me better, and I didn't control myself when I could have. Otherwise, what are you saying? You stole from the company and you don't feel guilty. What you're saying is that's exactly the sort of conduct you expect from yourself. Yourself. Your expectations are perfectly appropriate. I expect me not to steal. I expect me not to cheat on my income tax. I'm tempted to cheat on it. I like money as much as anybody else. But I see myself in too high, too grandiose a firm to grovel by cheating. Doing bad things lowers you each time a notch. That's how you become consciousness, but that's also how you become an automaton. You lose that which makes you human— freedom. So I argue to you that the ability to say, 'I was wronged,' is an incredibly revelatory characteristic of a healthy, happy human being. If you can't say you were wrong, then it's clear you're insecure. And insecurity and unhappiness are twins. The more secure you are, the more happy you are. The more happy you are and secure you are, the more you are capable incapable of saying, "I was wrong." Mea culpa. Did I get it right, Andrew? That's— oh, it's Latin. It's in the Catholic Church for— for what exactly, meaning? My fault. Really? All right, culpable. There you are. My fault. That's right. That's even better. My It's not my fault. A guy called me up. A guy called me on my station. A black man called me up. It was so sad that it signifies part of the problem in the black inner city. I say this totally openly, totally with sympathy. And his call was, you have to hear it to believe me, Dennis Prager, all the problems of America are Reagan's fault. Poverty, homelessness, AIDS, and he just went down the litany of problems in American life. If he were capable of saying, you know what, some of that is my fault, some of that is our fault, you think he's a happy guy? There is an intrinsic relationship between being able to say it was my fault and being happy. The same thing goes with kids. It is a struggle to teach your kid to be able to say I was wrong, because the inclination is to defend yourself immediately. Not me, what do you mean, what are you talking about, it wasn't me, I didn't do it. To be able to say I'm sorry, I was wrong, Whoo! That is one of the great vehicles to being a happier human being. It means you think the world of yourself and you're secure enough to do it. That's the irony. Passing the blame seems to be the road to more happiness. It's not my fault. Being able to say it was my fault and not dying over it. It's my fault, I won't do it again. That's what penitence in religion is. Penitence is two parts: I was wrong and I won't do it again. But I know I'm weak, maybe I'll do it again. But I'll be wrong if I do it again. Standards and being able to feel guilty and be wrong over what you did that was wrong is great. Makes you stronger. Better, more secure. Next week we'll take questions on it, and I thank you very much. This has been Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Visit DennisPrager.com for thousands of hours of Dennis's lectures, courses, and classic radio programs, and to purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles.