Timeless Wisdom - The Problem of Happiness - Part 1

Welcome to Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Hear thousands of hours of Dennis's lectures, courses, and classic radio programs. And to purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles, go to DennisPrager.com. Teaching for about 20 years, ever since I taught at Brooklyn College, at the City University of New York, just scholarly sorts of things, to all the courses that I've taught here in the 13 years that I've been in Los Angeles, nothing is as difficult as a course on happiness. The reason is it can so easily descend into pap, cliché, pop psych, and feel-goodism, all of which I loathe. It was a very real gamble And not only gamble, it was actually contrary to my nature to give the course last year. And I'd like to explain this. I'm almost asking your apology for giving this course, which is an odd thing to do. But I'd like to explain how this all happened. It shows that, you know, in a sense, for those who are very religiously inclined, we're in God's hands and whatever we do, he has his plan. And for the rest of you, fate just determines things or whatever. At any rate, a few years ago, about 3 years ago, I was asked by the Chabad rabbi at UCLA. While the Jews are a small people, we have quite a few— I wouldn't say denominations, but teams. That's probably the most accurate word, teams. Within Judaism. And one of them, a form of Orthodox piety, is the Hasidim. At any rate, they are the liveliest of the Jews. You will very often find in a Reform Jew's house a picture of a dancing Hasid, in fact, which is why I've often asked Hasidim, in the name of Jewish ecumenism, to have a picture of a dancing Reform Jew in their house. But anyway, they're a lively group, and of the lively Hasidim, the most lively is Rabbi Shlomo Schwartz, the liveliest Jew since Abraham. There isn't even a question about it. And he was the Chabad rabbi at UCLA, and as you know, they are our form of missionaries. They are Jewish missionaries to Jews, to get Jews who are totally uninvolved Jewishly to become involved. And no one does it better than Rabbi Schwartz, who gives me a call one day and says, Dennis, I want you to speak at the Chabad House at UCLA. We want to use your name, which is known somewhat in the community, quite outside of Jewish circles, and to get kids who would never otherwise come to anything Jewish into Chabad house. So I said, fine, uh, well, use my name, and I guess you want me to speak on something about Judaism? He said, oh, absolutely not, then they'll never show up. So I said, so what do you want me to speak on? He says, what, speak on happiness? I said, happiness? Said, yeah, happiness. I said, happiness? And Happiness is a Serious Problem. Excellent title. That has since become the name of the book, Happiness is a Serious Problem. From that route, the following happened. I gave a speech that night which I worked on for a week in preparation. That speech was a great speech. I'm not saying it because I gave it. I tell you how I know it was a great speech. It was the only time in my life that I actually listened to my own speech after I gave one. To me, it is torture to hear me. Okay? You pay to hear me, I would be tortured to hear me. That's the way it is. You don't want to hear you, I don't want to hear me. And I certainly don't want to hear me 5 minutes after I gave it. I was so sure this was good that I actually listened to it. I called up a friend and I listened and I sat there laughing. It was so— I just enjoyed it so much. Anyway, that became the best-selling thing I ever put on tape. I then get a call 3 months later from Redbook magazine, one of its editors tracks me down in Los Angeles through my old KTLA TV show. I never got a call from KTLA in all my years there. One call from the editor of Redbook. 'Are you Dennis Prager?' 'Yes.' 'I heard your tape on happiness.' 'How'd you hear my tape on happiness?' 'Oh, I heard it on the radio here in New York.' 'You heard my tape on happiness on the radio in New York? What station?' He said, 'Oh, I'm not Jewish, but I was tuning the dial and I heard you one day coming home from work on a Jewish station.' Needless to say, that Jewish station with the ultimate chutzpah, not to mention absolute criminality, one day said they had no show, they stuck in my tape and I was the show. Thank God for these crooks. They at least announced, they didn't at least say, "Aren't we terrific here at W-whatever?" They said, "That was done by Dennis Prager in Los Angeles." So she tracked me down. You must write an article on happiness for Redbook. This is all because Rabbi Shlomo Schwartz wanted to get kids who would never show up to a Jewish lecture. I write an article. Redbook publishes it last year. Reader's Digest reads the article in Redbook. We like this article. It's really good stuff. They publish it in 52 different editions. I now have Happiness Is a Serious Problem in Finnish, in case any of you are, you know, have Finnish blood. I can get you the Finnish version of it. I'm not done. After that, I get a call, we get in touch with Random House, want to buy a book on the subject. Random House is going to publish a book. UJ has the course. Apparently, it wasn't that. Apparently, a lifetime of my own struggles in this arena and not allowing clichés to filter through has been helpful. And so I'm very touched that you're here. I hope this will help. Last year I said, because it was truly a stab in the dark, I didn't know if I had more than one lecture in me. To give on this subject. I said, look, we're going to have these sessions on happiness, but I don't expect you to be one whit happier when you leave. I now will say this: the purpose of the course is not to make you happier, but if you don't leave less unhappy, I will be surprised. I am putting myself on the line in that regard, I have more confidence in the ideas that I will be, uh, offering to you in the course of these 8 sessions. And if you choose Part 2, and you may want to choose Part 2 since it'll have the solutions— hey, I ain't stupid, I got to feed a family. Part 1, and actually in the first few weeks I'm going to be delineating obstacles, and then we're going to spend a good deal of time delineating some solutions. Exactly what that means, you'll see. Now, for the handful of you who took the course last year, there were, I think, last year 9 obstacles. I'm up to 16. This year it is impossible to become happy. Last year it was difficult. This year it is absolutely impossible. By the way, the irony of life is I gave that talk on happiness during the saddest period of my own adult life. So maybe that was part of the reason that it was so fortuitous for me. And because I was I have— in other words, my theories have been tested to a certain extent. I mean, they have not been tested as someone who has lost a child has been tested. They have not been tested as someone who's been through a Holocaust or someone who has a terminal illness at a young age, but they've been tested. This stuff is not coming to you from a human being who has not gone through the mill. I have as I suspect every one of you has. Anybody who hasn't wouldn't be here. And if you haven't had a tragedy and sadness in your life, I feel for you. I do. I think that part of life is pain, and a life without pain is not worth living. And that is part of the reason that I have been capable of being pretty happy. In my life. Frankly though, or oddly I should say, the only thing that I won't do is define happiness. I can't. However, very much like the Supreme Court said about obscenity, we will say about happiness, we can't define it, but we know it when we see it. And I would say that in effect, I mean, you know at moments when you're happy or not. But I will give you a preface now of 3 or 4 points that will help put this in perspective, what we will be doing in these next 8 sessions. And by the way, unlike Class 1, which is far more of a class as such, there's a body of material that must be covered, here I will be allowing for more time for input from you because A, it's important to me, and B, it's important to you. This is not like, you know, I have to teach you about George Washington and here's the body of material. So every time there will be this period for questions at the end and questions at the beginning of the session. Please, please write down when something hits you as a question, write it down. Because I can't take during the middle or I'll never get through anything. But I want you to ask then and certainly a week later if things have happened to make you rethink anything you've heard, or if you want me to explain something again. Okay, I give everything in terms of numbers— point 1, subsection 1, subheading of subsection 2— so it's easy to take notes and easy to follow and easy for me to review later. It's also all being recorded if you wish to have that at the end, that will be available. Okay, my first prefatory note is this course is not being given in the belief that every single person can be happy, but I do believe that every single person can be less unhappy than they are at that time. Okay, that is, that is my belief. I am not so naive as to think Everybody can go around, "Hey, am I happy?" It's just not true. It's just not true. I saw, as I mentioned in the last class, what I think is the most important modern film that I know of, Crimes and Misdemeanors, Woody Allen's latest film, last night. I was staggered at its importance. I beg you to see it. And I am not I'm not a great movie fan. I just think it is critical. But it was, but as one of the, one character, and this will not give away the plot because the character is tangential, committed suicide, said, "I'm going through the window." He had had a miserable life. I appreciate that. I am not so naive as to think, "Well, if you just do the right things, you'll be happy." I think, though, that if, uh, if one adopts certain attitudes and perspectives, there is no reason why you shouldn't be less unhappy. I, I believe that very deeply, and, uh, I am putting my, uh, actions where my thoughts are in giving this course. Number 2, it— the course is predicated on the assumption that happiness is in fact a a very serious problem. It is therefore worth, as all serious problems are, painstaking work at its achievement and painstaking analysis. With all the lightness that there may be about it, it's a very serious issue, which is why it's a good title. It is a serious problem, and it's very often dealt with cavalierly. And just as you would not think you could attain wisdom if you took a course on wisdom, don't think one can attain happiness by taking a course on happiness. It's a lifelong work. And by the way, I just want to add, it may not be worth devoting a life to being happy. In fact, one of my arguments later on is in fact that, that a life spent pursuing happiness is ruined. Happiness should be a byproduct and not a pursuit. And I will explain that later, but it's very important, especially in America, which has enshrined in its Declaration of Independence that people should have the right— and that's part of what life is— of pursuit of happiness. Number 3: My own aim in life is not to experience tens. If ten is ecstasy, and one is depression. Give me a life of sevens anytime. That is my motto. I prefer to be with people who are constantly seven than those who were 10 and 4. People prefer to be with people who are sevens, and by and large, most people prefer to be at sevens. Not all. Some say, no way, I'm here once I'll take those ones, you just give me some tens. Except when they're at the ones, you ask them at that time. They usually say that when they have a ten. I don't think it's a good idea. I don't think that that's the aim, to be in permanent ecstasy or even fleeting ecstasy. And, uh, an interesting article was sent to me by, of all places, one of the most prestigious magazines of the sciences in America. Science magazine, and the, uh, it was in the August issue of '89. They have been doing a study of happiness. Now, I for one am not a big fan of studies. They're— most of the time you can prove whatever you want in a study, especially when it's about things that are related to feelings. But it's very interesting that they write the following: what happiness does boil down to is the frequency of positive emotions and infrequency of negative emotions, which sounds like a tautology. I mean, it doesn't tell you much, does it? I love these college studies. It's probably financed at a few hundred thousand dollars. What it really boils down to is if you are more happy than unhappy, you're happy. Thank you, I appreciate it. That is helpful. What they really mean to say I mean, because that doesn't help you in the least, does it? Well, what they really did mean to say is frequency. In other words, what is the general trend? Not do you have ecstatic moments. And I find that in my own life to have been very helpful. That is why I don't take good news ecstatically and don't take bad news as if it's the end of the world. It has been very helpful. And I lose out on a day of ecstasy that another would have. I remember when I was given the advance on this book, to be very open and candid with you. It was a big deal, and I felt very good for 5 minutes and then went back to work. I celebrated by giving my entire staff frozen yogurt. That is exactly— which they still haven't gotten. I offered them frozen yogurt. They still actually haven't gotten it. Kay is on my staff, she could tell you. But it is— that was it. And that's— I like that. It's very good. I'm pleased. But it— I wasn't dependent upon it. At any rate, I'm jumping the gun. The point is to establish 7s for those of you who love 10s. And fourth, Most important, this course will appeal to your mind, not to your feelings, because I believe that it is in the mind that happiness should emanate from in any event. Therefore, I admit at the outset, and some of you will not even like that I say this, but, but it is not meant, God forbid, as offensive to anyone, but in the traditional no mode of understanding male-female differences, I admit at the outset it's a masculine perspective on happiness. I do. That may or may not appeal to you, but it is. I think it is helpful in that regard. I think— I do believe that women are more in touch with feelings. I believe that is a wonderful thing. I also believe, like every wonderful thing in life, it comes with a price. By and large, people are not aware of the prices of wonderful things. But there is a price for being very in touch with your feelings. It's called going crazy. The reason you go crazy when you are very in touch with your feelings at all times is because your feelings change much more frequently than the weather does. Therefore, I have to appeal to your brains only on the subject of happiness, because if it remains solely a thing of feelings, we should not have a course. We should just all feel happy. Let's all massage each other. Please turn to your neighbor, especially if you don't know the neighbor, and massage that neighbor. I, I, it is not, of course feelings are a factor, but we have the capability, and that's what, that's one of the major distinctions between us and animals, of saying feeling, feeling, get thee out of here. Cows don't say that. Cows feel good, cows feel bad. They're very in touch with their feelings. They live by them. The human being should be capable of saying, I feel bad, but I'm happy. That is what you should be able to leave this course saying. My feelings tell me I am miserable and sad and depressed, and they're wrong. Okay? That's pretty radical sounding. I don't, for for a minute believe in the denial of feelings. No way. I really don't. You should be in touch with your feelings. You just shouldn't let them rule you. That's the difference. Okay, that's the middle road position. Some, in order to avoid feelings causing them depression, deny them. That's not good because the feelings don't go away. They'll just express themselves another way 10 years from now, 20 years from now, or 10 minutes from now. So that's not, that's not the suggestion.

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And finally, did I say that was the final one? No, this is the final one. That's the one thing I often do. My final points are never final. This final point is final. It's the second to final. Happiness is a battle with yourself. That is the— that will be the ongoing theme of this course. Happiness is not only a serious problem, happiness is painful. The process is painful because it involves a daily battle with oneself. The sooner an individual learns that, the better the individual's chances for any degree of happiness in life, for successfully navigating the course of life. We don't teach children that. We teach children a lot of things, but not how to deal with themselves, how to deal with teachers and with siblings and with peers and with parents. By the way, in this regard, our society does that with adults too. It constantly tells people how to deal with strangers, how to deal with coworkers, how to deal with spouses, how to deal with children, how to deal with the government, how to deal with society, and not how to deal with yourself. It is a very non-introspective society despite all of our psychology. That's the irony. And therefore it blames vast amounts of problems on outsiders when in fact the enemy in the proverbial— what is it, peanuts or pogo? We have seen the enemy and he is us. That's exactly the problem. And that is, that is what is the ongoing theme of this course, that the— that is a battle, and I mean a battle with yourself. And you have a different battle from me. Not all of our battles are the same. I don't know your demons. I know you've got demons, but I don't know what they are. Are, and you don't know what mine are. For one, the battle is with alcohol. For another, it's with sex. For another, it's with money and gambling. For another, it's with attitudes towards children. For another, it's an uncontrollable temper. I mean, it's endless, just endless. But everybody's got it, and that's where the battles are. Some have more battles than others, but everybody has a battle. And there are battles that we all have in addition to the unique, the ones that are unique to us. So that is very important. That is the ongoing theme of this course. It is a battle with yourself. That is why it's the opposite. That's the one way I can validate my even standing up here and taking your time. It is the opposite of a, this will make you feel good. Some of it will make you feel bad. Because it involves a deep sense of looking inward and blaming inward stuff. I would say to most unhappy people, "Why did you let yourself get unhappy?" Not, "What made you unhappy?" "Why did you let yourself get unhappy?" That would be my response, not to all, but to the vast majority of people especially in this free and affluent society. My God, if most Americans are unhappy, what should we say to the people of Ethiopia? They should all be committing suicide. My final, final point. We would not want to live in a world without these battles. And specifically, which I will not get into now, men have a specific battle and women have a specific battle owing to a difference in their natures that I will discuss. And the irony of these battles is that is what makes us what we are. Let us say you are intrinsically selfish and you have to battle selfishness. I think most of us do. You might be tempted to say, "I wish I had no selfish nature." But if you had no selfishness in your nature, you wouldn't be you. You wouldn't be human and you wouldn't be you. That which makes you human, and for that matter even lovable, are your fights. If I could ask one question of a person upon meeting, I would say, "What are your greatest fights with yourself?" I will learn so much about a person. If any of you are single, and I am a big believer in interviewing people on a date. When I was single, that was something I didn't call it an interview. I didn't bring a recorder and I didn't take notes, but I did not discuss movies or sports or other stuff that I could get off the radio. I would talk about life, and I would ask questions of the woman I was on a date with. I wanted to know whom I was with. And if I had the insight then that I have now, I don't say, you know, I wouldn't say, "Hi, I'm Dennis, and I'd like to know what are your battles with yourself?" But I would say by date 2 or 3, I would have popped the question, and that would have been the question. I think it tells you so much about whether a person is in touch with their nature. I think it tells you a great deal about what I value most in the human being. Character. If there is a way to define character, I would put it this way: character is chiseled out of our nature. Just like a sculptor has smooth stone and chisels out personality, the chiseling is a very painful process. I would say that our chiseling is our battle with our smooth stone, with our natures. And that is what makes a person lovable. I love to know what fights they have with themselves. It's what makes you endearing. And we have those battles. It's what makes you great. So, so much for the, uh, for the, uh, preface. I would, uh, like you now It's the only time I think I'll ask you to do anything like this. I'd like you to do something that will be helpful at the end of the course, but particularly helpful 5 years from now. If you've got a pencil and pen, or pen and paper, this is solely for you. I would like you to I want you to think, don't, you know, think for a moment and then write 5 things, up to 5. If you have to write more than 5, you need much more than this course. But write up to 5 things that you believe would make you considerably happier than you are today. And I will tell you why I'm having you do it, I'll just give you a minute to do this, as not to take too much time. This is valuable. I wish that I had been asked to make this list 15 years ago, 10 years ago. I think that the vast majority of us would find that exactly what we wrote takes place and didn't help at all. The reason that I think that is of great value— first of all, it's of great value because let's say it does happen, you'll then be able to examine whether or not those things really work. My suspicion is in the vast majority of cases it doesn't work, that looking for something outside to make you happy Take for example, I mean, I'll give you a few of the proverbial ones. Let's say you're sick. You would obviously write down to be healthy. I submit to you that if you became healthy, a year later you'd have a new list. And what's my proof? My proof is that healthy people are not happy. If health should make you happy, how come all the healthy people writing down another list. Or how about this one? You're not married. A husband or a wife, that'll make me happy. So ask everybody who has a husband or a wife, how come it didn't work? Whatever you would be listing, a unless it's something unique and it's really true, you've truly isolated one or two things and there's just no question if that came about you'd be happy. I would love, for example, it is one of the few things I can't believe with all the books that are published and all the television documentaries, nobody has done one. And maybe they have and you can tell me about it. I'd love to see a psychological study of lottery winners. I would love to know if they're happier. Now, theoretically, anybody who's gone from janitor to multimillionaire, I mean, that should answer a lot of the things you put on your list. And I would be very curious to see if in fact that is. If so, then one would have to say there really is a direct correlation in most cases between money and happiness. I am not prepared to say it's not true. I think it's not true. But, but I am prepared to accept evidence to the contrary. But I think this is a very valuable lesson. By constantly thinking that something will happen to me that will bring me happiness and focusing on that, I think that we make a terrible mistake in our lives. That is another reason that I believe that it is me having to deal with me that is the major issue in terms of happiness. I am structuring this course in the following manner. I'm going to delineate obstacles to happiness, and then we will deal with the obstacles to happiness. True to my opening comments, the vast majority of obstacles are internal. Not all, but the vast majority. After you hear this list, you will wonder how anybody can ever be happy. You will, because in every instance you will agree, God, that is right, that is really an obstacle. But if in fact we do agree to that and then can deal with them, I think that that is a tremendous, uh, a tremendous help towards taking, towards having clarity with regard to happiness. Oh yes, my final, final, final point: clarity. If I were offered by God the following choice— by God, not by Mephistopheles, but by God— the following choice: Prager, you can have happiness or clarity. Which do you take? I'll take clarity. I'd rather be clear. I'd rather know what is going on. I live once. It is more important to me to know what is happening. In a certain sense, I've skewed the question because I believe that clarity, if not bringing happiness, certainly helps immensely. I want to know— to me, the greatest source of unhappiness is being confused, not understanding what's happening. If I were on a sinking ship, I would probably— the first thing I'd ask is, why are we sinking? Not where are the lifeboats, which is probably wrong. You should first say, where are the lifeboats, then find out why you're sinking. But I want to know why I'm sinking. Let me give you a very serious example of this. The second book that I wrote co-authored is called "Why the Jews? The Reason for Antisemitism." And it's very much part of my own philosophy of life that it was much more important to me to know why there has been all this hatred to Jews historically than to know all the details about it. Books about antisemitism never interested me that much, though I spent 7 years researching a book on the subject. I wanted to know why. I wanted clarity. That to me is the most important thing. And if I am unhappy, I am dying to know why. And when you find out why, there's the possibility of dealing with it, or at least know you can deal with it. This is the way it is. I suspect I'm not alone in a desire to have clarity. That's why, even if you can't overcome these obstacles, just knowing them is a serious, a seriously positive step towards happiness. The first one, the first one is genes. G-E-N-E-S, not J-E-A-N-S. My dear friends, you all know this to be true if you have children, especially if you have more than one, for a very simple reason. When all is said and done and you've taken all your abstract college courses which tell you about societal inducement and other wishful thinking courses that you take in graduate school. Then when you have a child, all of a sudden reality impinges. As one New York Times article recently said, PhD stands for piled high and deep. It was written by a PhD, and I myself have been to graduate school. Not all PhDs are, but a lot are, because it's very theoretical. And I remember being We're told about the power of environment to affect your happiness and well-being and attitudes and everything. Only a fool denies the power of environment. But it's not nearly as powerful as we tend to think in many areas. And one of those areas is the area of this course, happiness. And my proof to you, my dear friends, is children. Some children come into this world thrilled to arrive. Thank you for bringing me here. I've been looking forward. It's mom and dad. I don't know what to say. I'm just so happy to be here. The other 99% come out with their middle finger up finger extended to humanity. You should all drop dead. I didn't want to come. I didn't ask to be here. You took me out of comfortable uterus. I was fed. I was warm. I liked it. I don't like this world, and I will make you pay for it. Okay. Anybody who has 2 kids marvels, just marvels. If you want to talk about controlled experiment, it is the vast majority of homes. Same socioeconomic conditions, same school, same geography, same room, same diet, same parents, same upbringing, same attitudes. I know that there are subtle differences, the older one and the younger one. Et cetera, et cetera. But my God, outside of a controlled laboratory rat experiment, I can't think of anything more controlled, especially than an intact home, which is the normal home. They watch the same things on TV, and they're totally different. One is miserable and continuous kvetch. Kvetch is Yiddish for chronic complaining. Complaining. There is no English word for chronic complaining. There's just a complainer, but that is not the same. It is the lowest form of humanity, the kvetch. It is. The hottest circle in Dante's Inferno, after Nazis, is kvetches. I believe that. Nothing drives me crazier. At any rate, let's be honest, we are born with predilections towards happiness. This drives one of my dearest friends, he is driven crazy by this. He is convinced that this is not true, it's a function of parents. Do they raise you with a, specifically, do they raise you with a good self-image or not, but not the way you're born. And to some people, this is painful news. I must tell you, to me it is great news. And I will explain why in a minute. If you truly understand this to be true, this should not be a major obstacle to your being happy. I mean, if you have a chemical imbalance, okay. But the vast majority of us don't have chemical imbalances towards happiness or unhappiness. But the world is composed of these two types of people. Of course, it's always been a riddle to me why they marry each other. It is one of the ongoing riddles of human nature. I totally understand why the moody marry the moodless. They're not stupid. They're moody, but they're not stupid. I understand why Now why does the moodless marry the moody? That has always been a question. My theory is the moody hide it till the day they're married. That is my theory. Which, if there is any basis in truth at all, means you can control your moods when you really have to. Right? Did you ever notice— I love when Couples have a terribly depressing battle and then company comes over. How is it, how is it, if we can't control our moods, that we are perfectly capable of being nice, rational, civil, happy-go-lucky, cheerful, kind, and everything for hours while the company is there, and then revert to misery as soon as they leave? That is why I think that everybody should have a lot of company. That is one of my solutions to the problem of moodiness— company. Now, if you think that I am just basing this belief about genes being a factor, being one of these obstacles to happiness, on, you know, just on what common sense might suggest, let me read to you a report Published in the New York Times, December 2nd, 1986.

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It was published under the title Major Personality Study Finds That Traits Are Mostly Inherited. This was in the science section of the New York Times. Let me read it to you. The genetic makeup of a child is a stronger influence on a child than child-rearing, according to the first study to examine identical twins reared in different families. Isn't that amazing? That is why, by the way, I have a word for parents in this regard. This, this might be very helpful to you. Parents do a very backward backwards sort of thing. They generally very, very much try to make sure their kids are happy and tend to leave their values to others. It's backwards because the thing parents can most affect is values and least affect is happiness. Your parents don't make you happy or unhappy. I'm not talking about abusive parents. Parents. Obviously, someone who has a child-abusing parent or some— or an alcohol-abusing— I mean, these things can obviously be a factor, a major factor. But the majority of us do not have those types of parents. They're parents with big flaws, because our parents, among other things, are people. But, uh, it is remarkable that parents don't realize this, and it should help to liberate any of you who have unhappy children, whether they are 10, 20, or 30, or 40, not to take the blame. Even though your child's psychiatrist is agreeing with your child that you deserve the blame. No, that really is important. That really is important. And for those of you walking around, you're all adults, still thinking my parents made me miserable. When will you get out of that? It's time to leave that. Obviously, obviously there are cases which are so exceptionally cruel and evil that I, I just have no comment to make, and I, I— all you do is get my empathy and sympathy and not any suggestions. But the majority of us are not in that category. Of course our parents made made mistakes, probably big mistakes. And I'm a parent now, and I'm probably making big mistakes. But I cannot make my child happy. I can try to avoid obvious errors. I don't molest a child. I mean, uh, they were just— I give love. I mean, there are certain basics, but it is not in our power to make our children happy. The study goes on to explain and delineate which traits are more inherited than others. These traits include virtually everything we associate with human personality. Incidentally, the one thing that seemed to be independent was values. That's the interesting thing. The one thing where society, parents, schools can have deep impact is values. The earlier the better. But not happiness. Okay? Very important thing. Why is this important? Well, let me give you the, uh, let me give you an example from my podiatrist. I went to my, I went to a foot doctor for the first time last year. The moment he looked at my foot, he looked up at me and said, Mr. Prager, you were never good at track, were you? Which was an understatement. I came in last in all races. And I had the longest legs, so it was particularly embarrassing. I ran my heart out and never moved fast. Had I known as a kid that it was my feet, it would have been a nice thing to have known. I would use that example with regard to happiness and genetic predisposition. If you know that you or your spouse or your kid is just predisposed to being moody, quiet, introverted, unhappy, sure you can work on the person and work on yourself, but isn't it good to know that? Isn't it a massive relief to understand that it really may not be life It just may be my genetic makeup. You say, "No, that's terribly depressing." But why? I'd rather believe that I can't run because of my foot than because I'm lazy or because people have worked on me to think I'm slow or because of psychological reasons. It's good to know. When I come to answering these obstacles, I will delineate that much further. But I'm only delineating right now the obstacles, not the solutions. The first one is genetic predisposition to unhappiness. You may be that way, your spouse may be that way, you may have a kid that way. Okay? It's very helpful to know. But why? I mean, the answer to that is when I answer the obstacles. Number 2. Human nature. The first one is genes, the second one is human nature, and they're not the same. Genes differ from individual to individual. Human nature doesn't. Summarize it for you in a sentence: human nature conspires against your being happy. It does. I'll give you 4 examples. Example A, because remember we're in number 2, so this is A, not number 2. You drive me crazy. Physical appetites. We have a great number of physical appetites. Food, sex, creature comforts, for example. Why does human nature conspire against our being happy? I'll give you a food example. It's the least emotionally charged. Body announces: Body want cheesecake. Right? Happiness announces: Happiness no want cheesecake. There is a classic battle between happiness and nature. Right? Your physical body makes demands which happiness precludes. You can fill the list as you want. We were not created, unfortunately, with "body wants celery." It is not fair. That is not fair. In my theology class, I often raise the issue of theodicy, God's justice. It is not fair that God made cheesecake fattening and celery healthy. It isn't fair. It is an absolute load of dice, this world. And I agree with that. I have a lot of questions to ask God. That is one of them. The other major one is why he invented the mosquito. I think that there is absolutely absolutely no reason for it. I actually believe it was an error. I do. I think he was trying to make something else and a mosquito came out. At any rate, this physical part of our nature is a terrible source of unhappiness. It keeps making demands. What is America worried about today? A country that is going crazy on drugs. You take a drug, then the body demands more. Does happiness demand more? No, happiness demands stop. But the conflict between the brain and happiness— remember, feelings are everywhere but the brain. They're in the heart, they're in the genitals, they're in the stomach. Feelings are located everywhere but the brain. It's a battle. It's a fight between feelings and brain. Brain knows what makes happy. Brain knows if I have that affair, oh God, am I in for a miserable life. But much else says, have the affair. Have the affair. You live once. He's sexy. She's gorgeous. By the way, in this regard, this is one of the reasons that I'm so grateful for my religious upbringing, my religious Jewish upbringing. When I went to yeshiva, which is, which is Talmudic academy in English, if that is any help to anybody, until I was 18. And from a very early age, like 5, I learned that there is a constant battle in us between the yetzer hatov and the yetzer hara, the will to do good and the will to do bad. I'm telling— I didn't understand the great profundity of this, but I knew at 5 that there's a battle going on in Dennis Prager. What a good thing to know. That daily life is a battle. I was very— I was lucky in being taught that. People are not taught that enough today, especially in secular society, which really announces, do what you want, do your own thing. When you do your own thing, you'll have a miserable life. It's a war. It is a war. So, Example A is just physical appetites. Let me tell you, just between genes and physical appetites alone, you could be an utterly miserable human being. The fact that I have 15 more obstacles gives you an idea. You will leave this course thinking it is amazing that any one of the 5 billion million people in this world is happy. B, psychological wants or appetites. Not only does our body crave and demand, so does our psyche. For example, love. We want love so much. And I don't only mean love in terms of the opposite sex. I mean love— you want your mother's love, you want your father's love, you want your spouse's love, you want your child's love. Some people want crowds' love. What animates actors and actresses, most of whom get almost nothing to live on, is love from an audience. People want love. And by the way, it's important, when I say that this is a battle for happiness with all these things, these things shouldn't be negated. I am opposed to someone who says, "I will never eat cheesecake." Any of you who've heard me on the radio, which I take is most of you, know that I am very skeptical of the passion of the dominance of the health factor in so many people's thinking. I mean, you know, I would trade in 10 years of my life to have a normal diet rather than live 10 more years on seaweed. Okay? I have every day of the week half a piece of cake, and it probably shows a little. And you know what? I'm perfectly prepared to live with it. Svelte I never was, svelte I'll never be. Which is one of the reasons it's great to have a radio show. Not a big factor. Okay, if I go over a certain weight, I'll stop it. But I have figured out how to eat wherein I can have a half a piece of cake a day and with an X amount of racquetball They're neutralized. But if you told me, Prager, you can have no cake whatsoever, I would be unhappy. It would cause me— I wouldn't be unhappy, it would cause me unhappiness. It would. I admit it. You have to know yourself. When I say there's a battle here, I don't mean that the enemy has to be obliterated. That's very important. I argue for a moderation in all of these things, and it is much harder to be moderate than ascetic. It's much easier to say no cake than half a piece and stop. For most people. For most people. Most people will have a box of donuts or nothing. Okay? Thank God I don't relate to that. Thank God. Back to these psychological wants. We want all this love. This is an obstacle to happiness, because what if you don't get it? What if you get— here's the best— I said mothers, fathers, spouses, child. What if you get love from your mother, your spouse, and your child, but not your father? You run a 3 out of— you're batting.750, folks. That is heavy duty, 750. You will still end up at a shrink to talk about your father. Do you understand? That's what I mean by life conspiring to make us miserable. How many people could say, my mother loved me, my spouse loves me, my children love me? That is, anybody who says that, God, you'll get envy from people. But you will remember only one thing your father didn't. The ability of the psyche to only remember what is missing is genius. It is the human genius to focus on the one tile that is missing. It is. If there were in this room one light out, you'd have all seen it. If there is one tile missing, toil on a ceiling out, that's what you remember. The ceiling was miserable. That is how we think. It's okay for ceilings. It's terrible for the psyche. But that's how we're made. You don't walk around thinking, "Oh, am I lucky for my spouse's love, children's love, and mother's love." You think, "My father, he never hugged me." That's human nature. That's psychological want. Then of course there's romance and security as well. Love is not enough. Your spouse loves you, but it's platonic love. You don't want platonic love from your spouse. You want romantic love from your spouse. So we have a lot of wants, and I'm only at B under human nature. C Emotional wants. Emotional wants in particular consist of what others have. It's the grass is greener syndrome. We want what others have. In addition, what I would characterize— I would characterize what's What's the difference between emotional and psychological wants? It's a fair question. Psychological wants I hold to be built into the human being. I think human beings in Sri Lanka, Brooklyn, and Dahomey want love from their parents, their children, and their spouse. But emotional wants, I believe, are more induced by the society in which you live. When I was in New Guinea, everybody wanted pigs. Pigs was the big thing. In fact, people walked pigs on leashes in New Guinea. And the richer men had pig bones across as a necklace. The great majority of you in this room do not wish pig bones on your necklace. Okay? So it's an emotional— this gentleman does, but With that exception, most of you— actually, I saw you in New Guinea, if I recall. That's right. You had a bone through your nose. That's right. In our society, the following would be big ones: to be happy, to be thin, to be rich, to be sexy and desirable, to be respected, to be bright. And of course the beauty of it is, if you are thin, rich, sexy and desirable, and respected, but don't think you're bright, that's all you'll think about. If you are rich, sexy, desirable, respected, bright, but not thin, that's all you'll think about. As one man who was bald once said to me, and I wish I remembered who he was, I would cite him in my book. He said, "You know, Dennis, whenever I walk into a room, all I see is hair." The greatness of that story is I have all my hair, and as a result, I don't even know if someone is balding. Do you know that actually, if you asked me after I met 5 men for 2 hours which one was bald, under torture, I would not get it right. Okay, now I may be different than most, but I don't really think so. I don't think that it is nearly— I know it is not nearly as big as the balding man thinks it is. That he looks in the mirror and sees skin the size of a volleyball. I am convinced of it. I am absolutely convinced of it. If you're fat, all you see are fat cells. Flat stomachs. That is all you notice in the world. If you have pimples, all you see is smooth skin. That is the way, that is the way people function. And by the way, you don't even need to be fat or have pimples or be balding. It could be slightly, your nose is 1 millimeter curved in one direction and all you see are straight noses. And when you look in the mirror, you see a ski slope. This is how the— this is how we play tricks on ourselves, by concentrating on the one thing that we want that we don't have, even if we have all the others. I learned this best from my dear, dear lifelong friend Joseph Telushkin, with whom I wrote my first two books.

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Joseph and I have been friends since second year in high school. And, uh, we were both single till our 30s, so we would often discuss dating, social life, etc., very intimately with each other. And the typical thing would be— I recall this very vividly— I would go out on a date, and I remember at the time when I was dating that one of the big things in me was to search for what is the most important trait in a woman. First I had to figure that out. The stupidest thing I could imagine. But I was stupid. Okay, I was stupid. But anyway, that was a very important thing I had to figure out among the competing characteristics in women, which is the most important. So after a date, I would make an earth-shattering conclusion about what is most important and call Joseph. And this is the way a typical evening would go. "Joseph, tonight I realize what the most important thing is looking for the right woman." And I would announce what it was. After 6 years of this drivel, the following, and I give you my word this is exactly how it happened, the following occurred. I was on another date and I said, Joseph, I realized tonight what's most important in a woman. He said, Dennis, don't tell me. I know what you'll say. I said, how do you know what I'll say? You don't even know who I went out with. He said, it doesn't matter. You're going to say whatever trait she didn't have. And he was right. That's exactly it. Instead of focusing on what she had, the one thing that she didn't have— since no one in the world has all traits— that was the most important trait. That is how people think. That is how people choose spouses. That is what people think with regard to children. The one trait your child doesn't have, that's the most important. The one trait your spouse doesn't have— that's how we make ourselves miserable. It is through these emotional wants and because of our, what I would call, the missing panel in the ceiling syndrome that the human being has. That is the way, you know, I know men much better than women, and I know when guys are single for a very long period of time, I know exactly how they think. I know what they're looking for, and I know all the whole thing. And this is so They're looking for the one who's missing nothing. To which I always cite the famous statement of I don't remember who, I wish I did, I'd give him credit, who said, "My whole life I was looking for the perfect woman, and I finally found her, but she rejected me because she was looking for the perfect man." Now, to make everything even worse, and this is a very key element here, and with this I will conclude and open up for discussion. We are human nature. This is the underhuman nature. Human nature is insatiable. It can never be satisfied. You must understand that. I'll put it first in physical terms, and then you will see it in other areas. You have a very big meal that doesn't satisfy you. It satisfies you for an hour or two. Nobody says, well, I had a really big meal last Wednesday. And, uh, that really satisfied me for the week. The reason you can't do that is because the body needs to constantly be replenished. If the body were satiated, you would starve to death. So that's understandable. Trouble is, it's not only the body that's never satiated, or the bodily needs, it's also the bodily wants, as opposed to needs, and it is also the psyche and emotions. They are never, ever satiated. Please understand that. It is the most— it is among the most liberating realizations I have come to in my life, to know that if I am waiting to be satisfied in these areas, I will be waiting forever, and I will never, ever be content. Give you an example in terms of income. Many surveys have been done asking middle-class Americans, not poor Americans, what income would make you happy? Everybody answered 30% or so more than they were then earning. That's why I had you make the list of 5 things. You think if they got a 30% rise, they won't want a 30% 30% rise then? I'm sure every one of you, if you think monetarily, would love to have— I don't want— you're all saying, I don't want to be a multimillionaire. $100,000 would make me happy. You get $100,000, it wouldn't last. It will never satiate it. That's why I keep saying it's the brain. The brain has to announce, you are now satiated. That it has to make that announcement, because otherwise it will never happen. The area where this is most dramatic is with regard to men and women. And since, uh, I have your goodwill, I can risk alienating some of you, uh, in this regard. Um, in every area of this course, everything will apply equally to men and women, and everything I've said thus far applies equally to men and women except one area where I believe that it is so helpful for men and women to understand their differences, and it concerns insatiability. I've written this in the latest issue of my newsletter, and it'd be best for you to read it, but I will tell it to you briefly. When this is understood by each sex, I believe it is massively helpful in understanding oneself and in understanding the opposite sex, which always helps. Actually, I must tell you that people have told me on this particular issue that their marriages have been helped just hearing this idea. Okay? And there's somebody in the second row who's nodding, so I'm very happy that— and now chuckling. And I'm telling you that as— I'm only saying that as a preface because for some, this will be difficult to digest. So it's maybe good that I'll conclude with this. You'll have a week to fume and then challenge me, and I really want you to do so next week. Men and women have same insatiability with regard to cheesecake, with regard to love, with regard to you know, the love of mother, father, and spouse, and want to both be respected and sexy, desirable, and bright, and all these other things. But there is one area for each sex where they're both insatiable, equally insatiable, but they are opposite areas, and therefore it is a cause of profound friction and also profound love. Between the sexes. And that is, with regard to men, it is sexual variety, and with regard to women, it is intimacy. Neither sex's nature— nature, do you hear me? Neither sex's nature can be satiated in either of those areas. There is never a time where the normal male— I can't speak for every male ever invented— but where the normal male— and this is as true for gay men as it is for heterosexual men, which is proof that it is not societally induced but it is natural— it is as true for gay men about male sexual partners as it is about heterosexual men regarding female sexual partners. There is never a time where in the normal man's life his brain— excuse me, his nature— announces, I have no more desire for any other sexual partner. I am so satisfied with the one I have in love, I have no desire for any other. It never happens. It happens usually right after he dies. That is when it usually happens. It is actually dateable. At the same time, the normal woman never has her nature announce, "I am, though I am so in love with my husband," or my man. I have absolutely no desire for any more time with him. I'm perfectly satiated in the amount of intimacy we have. I don't want any more communication than we now have. No more time together or alone. No more cuddling than we now have. I am absolutely satisfied. Those words have never been uttered word in the history of the female human being. They are so foreign, I don't even think a woman could say it without laughing. Now, what's interesting about this is these are recipes for enduring misery. Even if we were genetically predisposed to being happy, this would ruin it. Even if none of these other obstacles existed, this alone would help make everybody miserable. But here is one of the most important themes of this whole course. These tensions are terrific. They are what make for the vibrancy of life. Because women You would not want a man to have a different nature. He wouldn't be what makes him male and masculine to you. Men, you wouldn't want women who had a different nature. They wouldn't be feminine to you. Men would not want a woman to say, "Oh, it's perfectly sufficient. Just give me a good book." Of course not. What we do want is the opposite sex to control their nature. And what we want is for our own selves— what we should want is for our own selves to control our nature. Men have to control themselves in this arena, end of issue, or they bring misery upon themselves, upon their family, upon their wife. Upon their whole life. And it is a daily battle. It is. And it is a bigger battle in Southern California in the late 20th century than it was in medieval Holy Land. In the medieval Holy Land, there were no posters of women in bikinis. In ancient Israel, there weren't. The women who you saw, um, if you were turned on by noses then you got really turned on because that's all you saw to turn you on. What a nose! Did you see that nose? I remember when I was a kid, I, I, it's funny, I, I just recurring to me now, did you ever hear in, uh, in literature, for example, she had a, what is it, a well-tanned a well-turned ankle. I remember reading that as a kid and said, a well-turned ankle? Who the hell gets turned on by an ankle? It's like it was like a podiatrist manual. Well-turned ankle. Well-turned ankle. When all they saw of a woman was an ankle, the ankle was a turn-on. But as more became visible, the ankle receded in its power to elicit erotic responses. So a man has to control himself. And it's tough. And it's particularly tough, as I say, in the modern Western world where the bombardments and availability, not only of billboards but of real women, is just so real. But just as women and men know that men have to control themselves in that arena, women must know that if they don't control themselves in their arena, they will drive themselves crazy. Because no matter how much intimacy— I mean, those of you who have a good relationship with your spouse, those of you women, for example, you take a a 10-day trip with your husband away, and it's romantic, and you're together the whole time. He has no business calls, no distractions. You love it, and it's wonderful. You get back home, and it's like it never happened. And the man is sitting there wondering, why don't you remember what happened last week in the Bahamas? I didn't change. I still love you. I loved you then. But I have to go to work. I cannot only hug you in the Bahamas. We will lose our mortgage. They will claim our house. Which leads me to a conclusion that is very helpful. Desires have no memory. Only the brain does. That is why happiness must be so brain-central. So too the man. Man is in love with his wife. She's terrific sexually, and she turns him on. She turns him on, and they had a great time together sexually. And the next day he is at the beach, and there's another woman in the bikini. You think he remembers how terrific that was? All he sees is the terrific woman in the bikini. Bikini. He doesn't have a memory. His desires don't have a memory either. Theoretically, she should be able to say to him, what do you know what's the matter with you? We just spent the day in bed and here you are gawking at this girl on the beach. Now, he shouldn't be gawking, especially not in front of her, because it's just— no, it's just, it's rude. But the point that I wish to make here is not rude or not rude. It's that desires have no memory. A man can't talk to his genitals, and a woman can't talk to her nature. What you have to do is simply talk to your brain. He has to be able to say, "Wait a minute, jerk. Hold on a minute. What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you gawking at? You had a terrific time with your wife." And by the way, he should remind himself that if he had a terrific time with the girl he's gawking at on the beach, What happens after the terrific time with the girl on the beach? It's my argument. I say it on the radio to guys who were considering having an affair. Doesn't work. My argument against having an affair is not primarily moral, though obviously I'm big on values. It is absolutely pragmatic. It won't work for 24 hours. There's a new attractive woman at the office, and I don't know He's, you know, he's got the 7-year itch, whatever, and he's really desirous of her and so on. Okay, so I say to him, knowing men very well, okay, you'll go to bed with her. What happens the next day? You are back exactly where you were the day before, except now you've been unfaithful to your wife, and now you can ruin your life. Other than that, it was a great idea. It was an extremely pleasurable 2 hours. That's what you get for all of that. I, you know, if God had created us in a manner where one affair a year would kill the urge for a year, I wouldn't have such a big argument. Yeah, once a year, then he's at peace with himself for a year. Then I can only make a moral argument. But it doesn't work for 24 hours. The desires have no memories. The brain does. This area of insatiability is critical, critical for us to recognize in ourselves. That is why a woman should be appreciative of the man who does remain monogamous and control himself. The man should be very, very grateful for the a woman who is not smothering because she is fighting with herself? I've often contended that there must be something Freudian in the fact that smother is mother with an S. It's not sfather. There's no word. Stop sfathering me. All right, I will continue on on these themes next week. I did not have enough time today for questions. Please jot any you might have. One final word you might want— This has been Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Visit DennisPrager.com for thousands of hours of Dennis's lectures, courses, and classic radio programs, and to purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles.