Timeless Wisdom: The Problem of Happiness - Part 11

Welcome to Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Hear thousands of hours of Dennis's lectures, courses, and classic radio programs. And to purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles, go to DennisPrager.com. The, uh, massive importance of enjoying life to love many things. I want to develop this a little more, more ways of enjoying life. Somebody came over after the last class and said, how do I find more interests? Just logistically. And I was thinking, it's a very funny answer. And maybe absolutely, you know, terribly superficial one, but the first thing that occurred to me was go to a big magazine stand. See all the magazines that exist on all the subjects. You know, people are passionate about birds. There must be 20 bird magazines. Do you know, my life, I have always felt I am always envious of people who love a subject? Who do? I am envious. Why? I don't want to deprive myself of the joy that that person is having. That is why I told you I tried ballet. People were so into it, so passionate about it, I figured I was missing something. It said nothing to me, but I gave it the try. Not everything is going to speak to you equally. For some of you, the thought you wouldn't get to page 6 in a bird magazine Okay, birds? What the hell am I going to look at birds for? On the other hand, do you know that it is one of the single most popular avocations in America, bird watching? That there are people who go around the world, take their binoculars, meet other people interested, tour unbelievable places, and look at the most colorful things in nature. Sounds funny to you, I'm sure, to many of you. Bird watching beats TV watching by a thousandfold. You're out in nature, you're learning about one of, if you like, God's creations. Don't like God, nature's creations. But it's a passion. Passion. Passion is the word. You use passion, I salute you. I'm big on passion. It's my old thing. What are you passionate about other than secondary smoke? That's the question I ask Californians all the time. I know already that they're passionate about inhaling secondary smoke. Okay, I've learned that. That's a big passion in California. But after secondary smoke, what else are you passionate about? By the way, it is a worrisome thing to me that the only thing that seems to get a rise out of a lot of people is health. They're passionate about cholesterol, they're passionate about workouts, They're passionate about muscles. But what is this— this health has become a passion. My question to that is so obvious. What is the purpose of being healthy if not to enjoy life more fully? The purpose today, though, it has become an end in itself. People today want to be healthy in order to be healthy. The purpose of working out is to be able to work out again tomorrow. Not so that you are healthier and then can really climb a mountain. If it was, at least now I can climb a mountain and see Everest, or now I can, I can go underwater and scuba dive and look at gorgeous fish, or I could be healthier so that I could get a little less sleep and read more. But no, it's, it's to be healthy so you will die healthy. Congratulations, you were healthy very many years. That's what will be on your tombstone. He worked out every day at the Sports Connection. I play racquetball 3 times a week. I'm in favor of a moderate level of this stuff. I want to be healthy. I want to be able to do what I do. I lead a very tough life. I'm going to Alabama tomorrow, giving 3 lectures, flying back after Tuscaloosa and Birmingham, and doing a weekend of radio, then going to Phoenix on Sunday, then doing Sunday radio, and then coming back here to do the course here. I have a very, very busy life, and I'm very, very devoted to my family. So I want to be healthy so I can do a lot of things. It's a very big deal to me in that regard, but not in order to be healthy. It's almost as if you have a report card. Remember you used to bring your parents, "Look, I got an A." Look at my cholesterol, 192. So, what are you going to do with a low cholesterol? What are you going to do with it? So please write it down. So I'm telling you about passions about something in life. That's what people are missing. And in this society, for reasons that I will get into later, I have theories on it, though I'm not certain. But I do have strong theories. There is an aversion to being passionate about things. And you know what the opposite of passion is?

Cool.

Cool. Remember? That's the word by generation used. That was the in word in the '60s. That's cool. Be cool. And it still is. It's the only word for which there's no generation gap. Kids today also use cool. Hey, that's cool. Cool means dispassionate. That's why I always hated the word. And that is part of the reason everyone has passions. They've got to express themselves somewhere. But if they're bottled up out of being passionate, I don't know, in bird watching or music or, or, or helping the retarded or whatever your passion will be, Then they'll come out elsewhere, and maybe it'll be rock music. That's where— that's the only time I remember vast numbers of my generation and youth today, I ever see them passionate, is when there is wild music. And beyond that, it's absolute cool. And of course, the joke is, it's not even— there's no intimacy in that. It's everybody alone, and the music is so loud, of course there's no possibility of relating to another human being. That in and of itself says such a great deal. I've always marveled at singles bars with loud music. What are you supposed to do? If you're not a lip reader, you're ruined. Oh, no, that was when I was single, it was one of— that was one of the reasons I wouldn't go. Not on principle, I don't think there's anything wrong. It's as likely to meet someone there as in Vons. I mean, you know, I have nothing against meeting someone anywhere. I have nothing in principle against single bars, but the point was I wouldn't go because there was no way to talk in many instances. And if we would talk, I was always generally suspicious of how the reaction would be when I would be asked what I do. It's not the line to have as a pickup line for a man: "Speak on ethical monotheism." Women did not throw their clothing off at that line, I gotta tell you. They— some thought it was a disease. I will never forget, this is the God's honest truth. I was on an airplane and a middle-aged woman was talking to me and she said, and I said, why, you know, why are you going to whatever city? I said, for lectures. She said, on what? So like an idiot, I said, on monotheism. And she started talking to me about her illnesses. I had no— I had no idea why. She heard "ism," she thought it was an illness, and so that was it. Like, you know, free medical advice on an airplane. So that was the second reason that singles bars never worked with me. It's a very important question, my dear, dear friends, to ask yourself: What do you get passionate about? It's very important. And the more answers you have, I suspect— here's a helpful one for my friend back there— I think the more answers you have, the happier you'll be. I think if all your eggs are in one basket, it could be a real danger, at least in terms of happiness. I think all those who have their passion eggs in art, even if they're the greatest of the artists, I think they're missing— I think this course is on happiness, right? It's not on another subject. You will suffer in terms of happiness. As great as your passion may be about one thing, if it is only about that thing, you will suffer. Because you will become mono-dimensional, uni-dimensional. You will cease to relate to people, which is a notoriously common thing among the greater artists. Now, thank God for them. I'm not unhappy that Beethoven was unhappy. If Beethoven were happy, we may not have his great works. I prefer that Beethoven have been unhappy and give me his works. Purely selfish motive on my part, because I'm passionate about Beethoven's product of his unhappiness. If Beethoven were a completely well-adjusted person, we would have completely well-adjusted classical music. He would sound like Vivaldi. Vivaldi was happy. And he sounds it. I like it, but you can go mad after the third concerto. And I really do like it. I'm a big defender of Vivaldi. But you can tell he was happy. Okay? And that is a very big flaw in art. It is a problem. You want angst. Mahler was a neurotic. That's music, folks. That is music that you can sink your teeth into. But this is a course on— not on art. This is a course on happiness. And in terms of that, the more answers you have passion for— if you have it for your spouse and your kids, that's terrific. If you only have it for your spouse and your kids, it's not terrific. It's not good for you, it's not good for them. It is good to develop it in as many areas as possible. And obviously one hopes that they're positive areas. You can certainly become passionate over non-positive things. That is very much within human nature as well. So I tell you it is worth looking into. When I said I can only speak from my own life in this, Seeing others passionate about a subject. And let me give birdwatching as an example, because it's the sort of thing I would have laughed at. I mean, you know, birdwatching and so on. I would have this vision of, you know, older, very old women and utterly staid men, you know, "Look at the thrushes, the blue-breasted thrushes. How cute." And, you know, and that would be their lives. The truth of the matter is, my wife has put bird feeders in the back of the house, and it is so interesting to watch them. To watch them take baths, to watch them feed, to watch them communicate. It is a remarkable— I believe we have the most boring— I think I told you— what was it? Rosie finches. That's it. They're the only ones who show up at our house. And they're not even rosy. At least if they were rosy, you would look. I don't know why they're called rosy. They're really dirt brown. Dirt brown finches. That's what they really are. But, you know, I get a magazine about it. I love looking at that stuff. The more you love about life, the happier you'll be. That's what it is about. You're here once. Why not fall in love with this stuff? Whatever it might be. Knitting? Then it'll be knitting. Now, my general belief, and I'm going to get to this later, either today or another day, and this is going to be one of the major elements of this whole thing, is that whatever you do ideally should deepen you. That's important. One of the words that is least used in this society is depth. We use healthy, We use happy, we use successful, but we very rarely say, you know, that person is deep. It's not a quality that people aspire to anymore. It's an interesting thing to me, and that's a problem. Woody Allen had that once, I don't remember which film, where he was commenting on how lucky it is for the boring because they have so many partners to choose from. Now, that's one aspect under enjoy life. Get passionate about things. Maybe I will develop actually this point. It's a good time to. I was thinking of when to do it. It's a good one. Let me make, let me develop a little further the point of depth. Here, if I had 10 rules, this would be one of them: make growing more important than being happy, and you will be happier. One of the most common problems of people becoming happier is that they hold as a goal in life to become happy. This is an ongoing issue that recurred in my— in the first course, and I will repeat it a number of times. Another way of putting it is happiness can never be attained directly, which wasn't one of the things in part one. Never, ever, ever. It is always, and there are few things that allow for ironclad rules, happiness is always a byproduct of something else. You've got to pursue something else. And here's the rub. Pals, you can't fool yourself. You can't say, oh, okay, I really want to be happy most, but I'll pursue something else so to— in order to become happy. Uh-uh, uh-uh. You must pursue something else because you believe it's more important than happiness, or it won't work. That is why there's an old common saying in Hebrew, "Ashrei haMaamin"— the believer, the religious, is happy because they truly have something that's more important than being happy, that gives them passion and meaning and fulfillment. You can't be religious instrumentally. You know what I mean by instrumentally? As an instrument towards something else. You've got to believe in it. You can't— you take art, you cannot do your art in order— this is what will make me happy, so I'll do it. You've got to love the art for its sake. Whatever it'll be, you've got to do for its sake. You can't do it to fool yourself. Well, if I really pursue something else, I'll become happy. You've got to really start to believe that it is important. Important to pursue. And my rule for this session, and this is the most important of all of them in regard to what— no, there's one other thing which I'll come to later in this course. This is one of the two big ones, is growth is more important than happiness. If you believe that, you can't just say it, if you believe it, you will become happier. Most people, however, I am amazed to say, this is very painful to say, I am starting to believe that most Americans are not seeking to grow. They are seeking to get through life. Please write it down because I will take time, but I can't stop in the middle. When I meet a guy who doesn't want to get married because he's having too much fear about commitment, which is a totally natural male fear, totally natural, he is a man who has said, "I prefer ease to growth." Okay, now those of you who want to get a guy committed to you, using that line may not work. He may— what he will say is, you're right, you're right. But if you are right, get away. Who the hell wants to live with somebody who prefers ease to growth? What a wonderful life. Now, if you prefer ease to growth and he prefers ease to growth, You're made for each other, except for one thing. He doesn't want to get married because he prefers ease to growth. That's the difference. So ironically, it won't work, because you need— for a man to commit to marriage in a society where he can live perfectly well without it, have companionship, have sex, have laundry, have meals, have frequent flyer mileage, have his nephews and nieces for, uh, supplementary vicarious daddy thrills. In such a society, for a man to commit to marriage is a man saying, I prefer to grow than to have it just easy. Most men deep down envied Hugh Hefner. Doesn't mean they wanted to be him, but there was an envy of him. To commit to grow is a radical statement because growth is painful. Growth is painful. It's painful to marry. It is painful to have children. It is painful to grow. It is not painful not to grow. You can dull yourself, or it is less painful, let's put it that way. Growth moves in a direction. What are single people who don't get married— and by the way, you can be a beautiful human being and be single, don't get me wrong. It's very important that I'm not making a moral judgment here. There are some married assholes. And there are some single beautiful people, okay? I mean, let's get that straight, okay? So my point is not to tell any of you who are single, "Ah, you're a worthless human being." Not in the least. This is not a course on ethics, on values. This is a course on happiness. But one thing one has to say about the single's life: it is the opposite of growth because it is utterly repetitive. It is cyclical. There is constant déjà vu after a certain age. You go through— oh, we meet again, get excited, the same interrogation. Oh, what are you interested in? Oh, really? Tell me about your parents. Oh, isn't that interesting? Wow. Yeah, my last guy, well, we broke up after 2 years. The one before that was 3 years. The one before that was 2 months. The one before that was this. And what about you? And do you like Italian food? I love Italian food. And if you both answered an ad in New York Magazine, then you both like of yachting and boating and all other fun things, as you know, because we read from that. I remember I didn't get married till I was 32, which is, which is not late in this society, but it ain't early. It is late. And I remember a sense of I couldn't keep track of what, who I had just dated.

It would—

they— everybody was blending in. Because all the conversations were blending in. Even other things were starting to blend in. And as a man of holiness, I'd rather not amplify on that particular theme. But everything was blending in. It was all one big foggy thing of single's life. Yeah, at 19 you grow by having a relationship. You start out with a relationship. That's true. A second one, find out what, whom you are a little bit, what the opposite sex is like a little bit. Very healthy thing. After a certain period of time, there isn't growth. I'm not saying therefore you marry the next person, but I think we have to be honest, there isn't growth. And the people who will most attest to that, as I said last session in another context, are women dating men who have never married. It is a general— by speaking to women, it is generally stated, and I've never heard a disagreement, that all the best men are married, or at least were married. You meet a guy 35 or older who's never been married, it doesn't mean everyone is a jerk. And I only mean jerk vis-à-vis women. The person could be absolutely giving, in his hospital or, or to charity. In other words, we are not unidimensional. A person could be highly immature vis-à-vis the opposite sex and very mature in other ways, but there is no growth in that arena, in the micro-interior arena. And for men, men don't naturally want to grow there, okay? Men are more naturally animals, and animals do not seek growth. They They seek other things. Women teach them, "Hey, you gotta grow in this arena. What's wrong with you?" You know, women want to shake men up, and that's their task in that arena. By the way, in that regard, it is men's task to help women grow in other arenas. It is not— it is usually everybody agrees this— well, women help men grow, but men help women grow. Both might grow. And macro, but it's particularly true. Women have an instinct to emotional growth and intimacy. Men don't. It's something that needs to, in most men, to be developed. They don't have— they have an instinct to computers, men. That's their instinct. Cars, computers, football. That's their instinct. But there's not much growth in that. I mean, how many, you know, how many games can you watch What, how do you grow? Unless you're going to do a sports talk show, where does all that knowledge go? You know all the yards gained in rushing by the Pittsburgh Steelers in the '70s. So what? And that is my argument, by the way, on having children. My primary argument for having children is the opposite, or not the opposite, is unrelated to the arguments most frequently offered. Oh, it's, it's, it's— you'll love them, they'll love you, it's a beautiful thing. I told you last week about the images I had and about the reality, right, of my son sneezing on the volleyball on the way to school the other— last week. Now, by the way, there are some of those wonderful moments, but they're infrequent. They're infrequent. Okay? The best reason to have children is because you live once and you should experience it. That's why. You'll know you better. You'll know your parents a million times better. You'll become far more sympathetic to them. You'll apologize 10 times a day and realize how similar you are to them, which will drive you truly crazy. Parents want children to have children for one reason: R-E-V-E-N-G-E. I am a big believer in that. When all the other stuff is done and said with— there are other reasons, obviously. I'm kidding somewhat. But I'm telling you about this growth. I believe in it emphatically. I want to be a deeper person next week than I am this week. That is what one should strive toward. If you do, everything will fall into place. It's probably the only rule I can give for which nearly everything else will fall into place. Get deeper, and you see, deeper is very important. Deeper isn't just at what you're good at, because I know men who'll say, "Oh, I get deeper. I only read serious works." There only, though, goes in two directions, as opposed to frivolous works, and as opposed to anything else in life. There is depth to be had from books, there is no question. It isn't only to be had from life experience. Great people have lived before me, and I want to know what they thought. The book is the most wonderful thing, it's unbelievable in that way. People have been willing to say in books what they wouldn't tell their spouse. And I have this opportunity to sit and read in bed what the greatest minds of history have done, thought, lived through. It's a high to me, but it's not enough. It's one way of becoming deeper. Another is through diapering kids who have just made. That must— and I say that for both sexes. That's what has to be understood. It's through getting married, it's through having to relate. A marriage, a marriage can't stay still. It will either deteriorate or get deeper. I mean, there's no— how could it stay still? It's not, it doesn't happen in life. Life is too inherently dynamic. Now, deeper can mean a lot of troubles, often does. Troubles don't mean bad marriage. Very important thing. Some people who never argue may have a terrible marriage. Some people argue every day may have a great marriage. Something, by the way, I had to learn. I thought if a couple had an argument, it meant things were terrible. I never saw an argument in my home growing up. Never. It turns out not to have been a blessing. I didn't know that till a few years ago. I thought, wow, was I lucky I was spared all that. I was spared reality. That's what I was spared. Who the hell doesn't argue? There's something wrong with that. I mean, I'm not saying it's a mitzvah to argue. You know, wow, we didn't argue in a week, let's find something. There are people like that, by the way. If they're not yelling, it's like the guy in the news dealer I told you about on 42nd Street. If he's not being yelled at, he doesn't think you take him seriously. Everything is in this very tender middle road. It all emanates from a desire to be deeper, if you want to be deeper. If you do, life will all of a sudden unveil its greatness. Then you will say it is good to be alive. And that to me is— maybe that's about as good a definition of happiness as I'll ever come up with. Being able to say as frequently as possible, "It's good to be alive." One of the things militating against depth is that to be deeper, to grow, and they're the same things in my opinion, or I'm using them interchangeably, involves pain. And we are living for reasons I do not know. Maybe some of you can help me, and I mean this sincerely. We are living in a generation wherein many people, especially educated, think that pain is bad, that pain is inherently bad. I commented on this peripherally on my show Saturday night. Or Sunday night, I don't remember which one, wherein I spoke about birthday parties for kids today. My son, his birthday is tomorrow. We had the birthday party Sunday. We were the only ones of his entire group, at least that I'm aware of, that did not hire an entertainer. Every other one has had magicians, singers, Simon Says types. One had, I keep forgetting what it was, that Ghostbusters, where the guys literally had jetpacks and flew around. My son was absolutely scared out of his mind. He did not find that entertainment entertaining. At any rate, all we had, poor kids, was pizza, ice cream, cake, candy, a lot of games, fun, basketball in the backyard and croquet set up to hit balls through hoops and so on, and that was all we had. And they were in withdrawal. I don't know for a fact, but I had this sense that, you know, they were: "Where's the entertainment? Is this all there is? This is it?" You know, all these 6- and 7-year-olds looking at each other and wondering what happened. You know, last year we go to David Prager's party. Maybe I'm wrong. For all I know, they had a great time. They certainly seemed to, you know, to be having a fun time. But it struck me that I think there are a lot of reasons for this. It didn't happen when we were kids. And to tame— first of all, it's amazing, you know, I was— I was— I have a summer birthday. I was lucky if I saw my parents. I was always at camp, at sleepaway away camp. And you know, I get a card. Get a card, I get a gift, get a card from my Uncle Al, and that was about it. That was my birthday. Then the kids would have a party, you know, I mean party, a birthday cake, which they all devoured before I could get to it because I was giving out the slices. And that was basically what I remember from birthday parties. My brother was in January. I mean, I can't even envision a magician, you know, in the '50s coming over hiring a magician or something for a birthday party. I mean, it is a joke. What has happened? I think part of it is a deep need to have children always happy, or seemingly always happy. Oh, and of course, what does that mean? Always having fun or being entertained. I have a feeling that a lot of us were raised I wasn't, so the "us" is not my generation. But I think a lot of my generation was raised, if not with birthday party magicians, not dissimilarly, that we were to be protected from any pain. This is among the worst ways to raise a child. It is literally, and I rarely use the word "literally," it is literally to cripple a child. It is, it is as if you were to say to a child, "I will not teach you swimming," but the moment they become an adult, they're expected to swim the English Channel. Life is the English Channel, and you better start learning it very quickly. It's hard to navigate its rapids. Well, that's a river analogy, but it's hard to, it's hard to get across. This idea of pain is bad and Fun is good. I spoke about fun last term. Let me concentrate on the pain part. You can't grow painlessly. Therefore, make up your mind. Either accept a priori mass amounts of pain along with growth, and then you will have some happiness, or say, I want little pain and I therefore choose not to be as deep as I can. There is no pain in watching television, and that is on for 7 waking hours a day in the average American home. It dulls you, and people are dull. That's the whole point. Why are people dull? They dull themselves. Interesting people have passions. If there is this I can define: interesting people have passions. Or even more simply, interesting people are interested in a lot of things. That's why they're interesting. In that regard, by the way, the artist who is only great in his art and does nothing else is a bore. You never want him at your dinner table unless all you want to talk about is his art. He's a dull human being. I'd much rather talk to the mother of 4 children than an artist who's only with his art. Much rather. The truth of the matter is I have no desire to meet Beethoven. I am truly in love with classical music, and yet I never read the biographies of the composers. It just doesn't interest me. I read analyses of their music. That interests me. I wouldn't like to dine with Beethoven. I'd like to dine with George Will. He has thoughts. I'd like to hear Beethoven conduct his own stuff, because I would be curious to know how he did his own music. But I wouldn't want to hear George Will conduct Beethoven. And think in your own lives, whom would you really like to have dinner with? And if it's the name of a star, oh God, that should be a tip-off to you that something has gone wrong. And I mean this with utter sincerity, that you would want to have an evening with, and then just fill in a star's name because they're a star. I mean, some can be interesting. There are probably as many interesting actors as there are chiropractors. I mean that very sincerely. But the fact that someone is a star has absolutely— there is nothing necessarily of interest. It all goes back to, do we want to grow, and are we prepared, therefore, for pain? Are we prepared for our children to have pain? An ongoing issue with with my son is he hates to be alone. It's painful to be alone. He constantly wants to be with friends or with us, obviously. Or not obviously, but also. And we were having a discussion, and it's very hard to explain things to a day-before-7-year-old. I try, I know that 1/10 of it gets through, but then it's done anyway, even if it's not understood. But at least I do try to explain. And it's a very powerful belief in me that if you can't be alone, something's wrong. That is the time of the ferment that goes on in you. That's when you tear in on the inside. That's when, that's when, that's the deepening time. It's when you're not being entertained. I don't mean alone with the TV. You're not alone with the TV. I mean alone with you. It's very important in growing up to have some of that time and not always be entertained. Then, by the way, you learn to interest yourself. And that's who becomes interesting. People who can interest themselves. Makes a person very desirable to be interesting. But most people are not interesting, and the proof is they can't be alone. Why is that proof? Because they find themselves boring. Now, it's very understandable that a 7-year-old finds himself boring. There's just not that much life experience to reflect on. But it is a good time to start. Well, you just have to be creative. You just have to do something. Doesn't mean you have to stare at a wall and think. I mean, he could play. There's nothing wrong in playing by himself. But we, to summarize, we want to raise children without pain, to protect them as much as possible from pain. I remember this as a camp director and counselor. 12-year-olds, 13-year-olds were shown a Holocaust film at a Jewish camp that I was a counselor at years ago, and parents called up in tremendous anger at the camp. I emphasize, this was a Jewish camp, at showing Holocaust films to 13-year-olds. My daughter had nightmares. To which I answered, that is correct. And, you know, they were so amazed that that was my response. They thought that that should answer the problem. You gave my daughter a nightmare. You have done something wrong. When is it right? At 15? Is nightmares at 15 appropriate? I mean, we can haggle over the age. I obviously wouldn't— there were certain films I wouldn't show 9-year-olds. I absolutely believe that. There's a difference between 9 and 13. I don't want to protect my kids from nightmares. I want to protect them, obviously, from hurt, but I don't want to protect them from the fact that life is tough. The sooner they know it, the happier they'll be. The happier they'll be. That's the irony. They'll be more grateful for the easy road that they have, and they'll be stronger to grapple with life. Don't all of you know that as adults? I mean, isn't it true? That's why my motto in child rearing is, "Remember that your child will be 40." People don't think about that. They look at a 7-year-old. I try to train myself to look at a 40-year-old as much as at a 7. He's gonna be 40 one day, God willing. I have to have my eye on that, not what will make him happy at 7. What will make him a man at 40? What will make our daughter a woman at 40? Capable of dealing with life. Parents don't think in that way. They think, how do we get through today with as little misery as possible? How can we keep them happy? Hence a lot of the, of a lot of the stuff that is bought for them and so on. The next element in enjoying life and growing is taking risks. You've got to take risks. Everything's a risk. There is a great Brazilian song in Portuguese. I know no Portuguese except the following: "Casse a mente." Does anyone know Portuguese? Casi niente es de lotería. Marriage is a lottery. It's a great phrase. Marriage is a lottery. It is a risk to get married. How do you know how this person will be 10 years from now? How do you know how you'll be 10 years from now? People change. Events change. People are on special behavior during dating. They're even capable of controlling hormones, we remarked last week. You don't know what it'll be, and it may not work out. Half don't. A friend of mine who is single said, why should I get married, Dennis? Half of these marriages end in divorce. I said, that is an absolute non sequitur. What the hell does one have to do with the other? A friend of mine who was very worried about getting married, I finally said, listen, you either break up, or if you're not prepared to break up, get married. And no, maybe you'll divorce, okay? Maybe you will. I hope you don't. I hope it's wonderful. You might divorce, that is correct. But because you might divorce, not to get married is as stupid as you might crash, don't go on the plane. Well, the analogy to me is absolutely perfect. You cannot grow without marriage. There is a risk. The risk is divorce. The risk is misery. You take that risk. There's a risk in having children. There is a risk in changing jobs. You're miserable in your job? Change your job. Yes, you take a risk. What are you here to live for? So that you didn't have problems? I don't understand it. Change it. Move. Now, at the slightest— again, there is always the other extreme. At the slightest problem, switch a job. I've had 14 jobs in the last year I didn't like. There's an ad like that I heard on the radio. Take risks. You fall down, you fall down. The purpose of life is not not to fall down. It's to have lived it as intensely as possible. If that's your motto, you will have a happier life. But that doesn't make you happier at any given moment, because it's filled with pain to lead an intense life. Filled with it. The safe is safe, but it is not happiness-inducing. It's boring. Get up. Just get up. Move. I don't mean move to another city. Just move. Move whatever it is. If something's wrong, fix it. Work at it. Take a risk. But again, you got to be prepared. It takes courage. Courage is another quality that is necessary for happiness. I don't know how to instill courage. This is a puffy. That is why I'm convinced— not convinced, that's why I worry— that some people cannot be any happier. Because some happiness may necessitate qualities that may not be engenderable. I'm not sure, this is all a question. But if I am right that happiness necessitates courage, I don't know, you can't take a courage pill. I, and some of you may have an answer on how to instill courage. I can only offer you this little advice on the issue of courage. Courage doesn't mean stopping to be afraid. It means continuing to be afraid but doing it anyway. Okay, that might be somewhat helpful to you. Some people may have courage in some areas, some people may have physical courage, not moral courage. Courage. Some may have moral courage, not physical courage. Some people, you know, whatever it may be, you got to work on your weak spot. Throw yourself into stuff. I remember when I was a kid, I was very scared of horror movies. So my brother said to me, Dennis— it was my older brother, and older brothers are frequently godlike to little boys, and he was godlike to me— he said, Dennis, You scared of horror movies? Go to as many horror movies as possible until you stop being scared. And I remember doing it. I hated it. I was angry at the advice. And it worked. I finally started laughing and the dybbuk was neutralized. We all have horror movies. There are horrors that we won't confront. Front. But it takes, it takes courage. I have my areas, you have your areas, but they are necessary to take risks, and risks are necessary to grow, and growth is necessary to live. And that's the way it works. Everything needs something else. These are painful things, my friends. They are. So, these are all under the rubric of enjoying life. Enjoying life means passion. Passion is growth. Growth means taking risks and understanding that life will be filled with pain. There's nothing wrong with pain. My father had a great way of raising me in this regard. I resented him as a child for this, and I am thrilled as an adult. It has helped me immeasurably. Whenever I would hurt myself, he'd go, "It's alright, nobody ever died from pain." Now, it's not technically true. People have died from pain. And I hated him because it was so unsympathetic. I didn't hate him. I hated the phrase. But it's had a very helpful impact on my attitude towards pain. It doesn't kill you. It's a very big help when you're going through it to know that. On the physical, on physical pain, I suspect a lot of women know that instinctively, especially if they have given birth. I mean, here they are, their child, after, uh, after having had their body stretched beyond anything imaginable, uh, and then to say, oh, let's do it again. Obviously something is worth the pain. I think that that's true about a lot of things. Now, there is another area, but I would like to take questions now. If there are enough or too few, then I will go to the new area. But there was so much I said today, I'd like to try to take—

yes? Happiness in conjunction with honesty. I happened to hear a little bit of David Grusch talk today. He's the co-host of PragerU, and he happened to be talking about his major theme is honesty and saying what's on your mind and knowing what you're feeling, being direct. He seemed to say that part of it is that honesty and being direct Okay, the question concerns statements that—

thank you— that you heard from a colleague of mine on radio, that honesty means being direct, saying always what's on your mind, and that that leads to happiness. Let me react to the comment rather than to him, only because very frequently things are not cited absolutely accurately, uh, because I know it's happened with regard to my, my own self being quoted. So everything takes a middle road. I don't believe that we should always say what's on our mind. I think we should always know what's on our mind for ourselves. That's the honesty and clarity I was talking about. But saying it I mean, where do you draw a line? Would you like— should we say to someone, "Gee, you know, you are about the ugliest person that I have seen this week. You really could stop a clock." It's on your mind. Should you say it? And there are so many analogies to that. I don't quite understand the point. I think we should be in touch with what we're thinking and feeling. But having to say it all the time? No, I believe that if anything that I try to teach the kids, it's to develop censorship between the brain and the mouth. That everything that the brain thinks or the heart feels should then emanate from the mouth? God forbid. That's literally infant. That's to be an infant. So I think that, let's say a couple, that's the most intimate relationship in the world, I think that as much as possible, and I've always believed this, friends generally and couples specifically should say in ways that can be heard, critical words, what is on their mind 99% of the time. I think 1% of the time it is probably just not worth it. What do you gain? And that's a question to be asked. What do you gain? Sometimes I think that this quote-unquote honesty thing— well, I'll give you an example. I mean, it is an issue that has come up on my show over the course of many years. If a spouse has been unfaithful, should that spouse tell the husband or wife. My— I don't have a general rule except one: if it was an aberration of a one-time sort of thing, I don't understand why one would tell it. I don't see any good out of it. I think that sort of honesty is selfish and not healthy. I want to be relieved of my guilt. Please unburden me of it. That is what I generally think is the issue. You have problems in the marriage, confront the problems in the marriage. But something of such seriousness could be so destructive when it doesn't necessarily have to be. I do believe, you know, there's the philosophic question: if a tree falls in a forest and no one Hears it. Did it make a noise? So, you know, objectively it made a noise, but it wasn't heard. So what's the difference? In that regard, I think that that is a, a mature person's response to something that can be devastating if known and relatively inconsequential if unknown. I mean, you have an ongoing affair, we're talking about something different, and everyone has his or her own relationship with a spouse. But I don't believe in "let it all hang out, this is what I'm feeling, what are you feeling, let us all tell everything about everything at all times." That's one person's response. I generally believe that it's correct, but there are enough exceptions that it should not be a general rule That's my, one man's opinion on that particular issue. The mouth can be too hurtful. And why do it? Why do it?

Yeah. [Speaker:MALE_SPEAKER] Before I ask my question, in response to that, David Biscott says, I think pretty much what you're saying, it's inappropriate or it's not going to be for purposes of relieving your resentment or anger, then, you know, I've always heard them say, "Why would I?" Good, right.

And anger, that I think— that, look, I'm feeling angry and you figure ways to say it. That's why I said in the appropriate way. Good, and I thank you for that.

Okay, I agree with you subjectively about what you're saying, but objectively I still don't quite understand about if a person, especially a young person, is passionate about rock music music or TV or shopping, and they, they, you know, you can't tell them that they, uh, they aren't happy or that they don't feel like what you said about, um, oh, life is good. They would say life is good, and it doesn't seem, uh, if you tell them that you don't have death, they won't hear it.

Yeah, death is not a word that that a teenager understands. That is correct.

So in that sense, how are they not happy?

Well, they may very well be. I think you're right. I think— I'm glad he asked. This is an important question. How is a kid not happy? He's passionate. You used rock music, shopping, and what was the third?

TV.

TV, okay. They certainly think they're happy. And you're right. That is why I say it is a parent's responsibility— your primary responsibility is to raise a child to become an adult. Your primary responsibility is not to see to it that at all ages and all times the child feels happy. They are mutually exclusive goals. That's the point. So my child says, "Sure, I am happy doing X." I'm sorry. I will explain, probably to no avail, and still pursue my agenda of making a deeper human being. Because at a very relatively young age, that won't work any longer. And the kids who develop themselves in other ways, deeper ways, will soar ahead of the ones who are passionate about baseball, rock music, TV, and the like, if that were their only passions. Now, if they have other— if those are their passions plus others— hey, my co-author knew everybody's batting average in the major leagues, Rabbi Joseph Telushkin. I remember, you named a player, he knew his batting average. At the same time, however, he was passionate about books and read voraciously, as he still does. I was passionate about trivia. I don't remember which my trivia was actually, but, uh, but, well, hockey. I had hockey was my, was one of my, my things. Oh, absolutely. And that, and let a kid have fun. A kid has a right to have fun. An adult has right to have fun. It has a place in life. It has a place in life just like salt has a place in cooking. But you can't live on salt. You literally thirst for something better and deeper. My best answer to you, however, is to give them deep things that they identify with happy. My dream in my house is, religiously speaking, we observe the Sabbath quite, quite strictly in my house. There is no stereo, no radio, no television, no telephone, Friday night sunset to Saturday night sunset. Our daughter is in love with heavy metal and plays guitar. So she loves listening, loves playing, etc., etc. And I love classical music. I feel a deprivation, by the way, not being able to listen Most nights I will listen to something at least. I have 4 CD players. I mean, I love this stuff. The house is absolutely quiet. The only thing you hear in our house Friday night to Saturday is human beings talking to human beings, an immense rarity in the American home. It is usually electronic voices speaking, and on occasion you will hear people speaking, like What's on Channel 7? That will often be the extent of human intercourse in an American home over the course of an hour. Or, you had it last week. That will be the extent. Now, on occasion there is some serious complaining about this. Other kids are at parties, other kids are listening to music at that time. And I'll be totally honest with you, my hope is that 20 years from now, she will recall the peace and love and, and I use it again, peace in our home and human dialogue that took place Friday night and Saturday. And at 35, 23 years from now, 22 years from now, she will say, "I like that. That's the way to have a home. That's what I'm aiming for." Not that she'd be happy now with the situation. I know that she's not happy with that situation. On the other hand, she loves the talk at the table. She loves the guests who come over from all over the world and from all venues in life. And talk about everything. I mean, if it is not possible, it won't have an impact on our children. It is not possible. They're human. It can't not have an impact. And I am hoping this is it, that at some point in their lives they will say, "You know, that was a better way to lead a life." Will they say that as a kid with all the bombardment of excitement electronically? Let me tell you something electronically. How many of you saw in the Wall Street Journal the front-page article about this recluse genius who was developing electronic LSD? Anybody see that? Now, not electronic. In other words, you don't ingest, and it's not a drug, literally. But he is a recluse, never bathes and so on, described— I mean, he's a perfectly human being who relates only to machines, but he's a genius. And he is making, through computerization, he is developing ways of interacting feeling-wise with computers. There's no doubt in my mind it's going to be developed. I am very much into the computer world. At that point, a very interesting thing is going to happen. People will either have to enforce self-banning in regard to electronics, or they will cease becoming human. It described, for example, how he's already developing where if you just touch this huge screen, you can open a window. Some of the uses will be good. Architects, for example, building a house. You don't like the chimney here? Here, let's move it over. You don't like this window? Okay, we'll get rid of the window, we'll have a wall. And he just covers it up with a wall. It's now done in plastic surgery. Let's show you how your nose will look.

Okay?

Now, again, it's a tool. It could be used good and evil. It also pointed out in the article, though, really, if you read it very carefully, said it in 2 words: "and pornography." And I could see, I could truly envision, within a decade, if this thing— 2 decades, maybe 100 years, maybe you won't have to confront it. Remember, billions of dollars men spend now on magazines and videos. Imagine what they'll be able to do electronically. Take women's clothing off electronically. If you can open up a shape, you can take off a dress. It's going to be wonderful, won't it? Men will truly be able to live— remember in Woody Allen's film, uh, Asleep at the Orgasmatron? That's what they'll be. They'll be orgasmatrons for all intents and purposes. Who needs women when I have this? This beats any live woman, my God, this is the ultimate. You can have electronic orgies. You can't have an orgy in real life. So I am a big believer one day of the week saying no to technology and just having human dialogue and human intercourse. So I am saying to kids, as long as I have the authority as your father, These are the rules. You're not happy, that makes me sad, but that is not why I'm your father. The magicians at birthday parties are there to make you happy. Fathers are there to raise you. That's the difference. Yeah. Um, I don't know if—

yeah, if growth is the key to happiness and growth is painful, then it would seem that to be happy You must be in constant pain.

Well, you've over— I worry about that. Yeah, to be happy means to have frequent pain. It's the only thing I'd change from your sentence is I would drop constant and substitute frequent. And I will tell you another thing: those who have no pain are as happy as a cow. Cows have very little pain outside of childbirth, if things are going well, if they're having a calf birth, okay? If things are going well, good crop. I mean, think of a cow's life, how terrific it is. It is like a permanent delicatessen. They just go there, look at all this delicious pastrami, salami, and things all around me, this yummy, yummy grass, and no bull is bothering me. This is the greatest day of my life. Okay? And I'm telling you, I truly believe many people wish to lead such lives. A painless life is not human.

But are you saying that one can be happy and in pain at the same time?

You bet I am! Yes, I am saying you can be happy and in pain at the same time, though you're not feeling happy. But my whole predicate is that happiness is not always a feeling. It's a state. It's in the brain. You should be able to say, "I am basically happy, but I am now in pain." That has been a very key thrust in my own life. Some pain is unhappiness-inducing as well at that moment. Of course. Of course that's true. I don't deny that. but you are the one who determines whether to allow it or not. Please see My Left Foot, one of the great movies ever made. Great is truly the word for it. It is life-affirming in the deepest sense. See what this man with cerebral palsy did with one left Foot. I know, I want to get the book as a result of the film.

Yes, Dennis, it seems like what you're saying is that pain leads to depth, depth gives you an appreciation, or pain leads to growth.

No, depth necessitates pain. Pain may not lead to depth. It's possible to have pain and remain shallow.

Okay, so depth necessitates pain. But my curiosity is, what would you say to a person is It's my understanding that in life that there are people who haven't had that much pain. I mean, everyone has pain, but there are people who have grown up very normally without death, without divorce, with wonderful parents. That happens.

Yes, it does.

And when that happens, sometimes that person turns out not very neurotic, meaning, okay, they haven't had much pain. But then sometimes what I find that follows that, when they haven't had much pain, there doesn't seem like there's that much depth, right?

No, you've said it very eloquently.

So with regard to a person like that, they also know that in a way, pain relates to death and growth, but they haven't had much pain.

Yes, right. But you know what I would say to a person like that? They should seek out others who have pain to help them. That's what I would say to them.

I mean, it sounds sort of crazy.

No, it is not crazy at all. I, I felt— I grew up in such a home. I grew up exactly— I mean, I had— there was a lot of pain in a certain area, but it was, it was stable. Parents stayed together. Went to one school, didn't move. I mean, none of the usual obvious trauma, though there were many ones that I think anyone has, almost anyone has. But I remember, though, I remember thinking at a fairly young age, things have gone so well for me that I should really start getting involved in those for whom it's much less well. So I remember in high school I used to record for the blind, and it brought me very much into touch with people who have obviously far more serious problem than I had had in whatever the area might be. Being involved in Jewish life made me intensely aware of pain very early. The Holocaust, though my parents are American-born and we lost no relatives, was a ubiquitous subject in my home. I remember when I first heard of Hitler, I was watching The 20th Century with Walter Cronkite. Remember that? On Sunday nights at 6:00. '86, Channel 2.

Hmm?

We watched TV. I watched TV, like, a lot of TV as a kid, uh, except on, except on Shabbat. And, um, but this was actually— that was good TV, the 20th century. I wish they had stuff like— they have, probably have stuff like that.

I would know.

It's being repeated. Anyway, Hitler was on, on one of them. I remember asking my parents— I couldn't have been 8 or 9 maximum. And I said, "Who's Hitler?" They said, "Oh, he killed 6 million Jews." That was it. "Oh, he was a very bad man. He killed 6 million Jews." And I didn't say anything, but I was, from that moment on, I was never quite the same. That hit me permanently. And it has. The Holocaust has deeply affected everything about me. And I believe that, at least in a Jewish home, where kids would grow up and they would fight for Soviet Jews who were persecuted, demonstrate for Israel in the middle of being— where others are trying to destroy it, whatever it might be, there is an awareness of that pain. There should also be an awareness of the pain down the street, too. We keep kids away. You know, it's very funny, my wife and I had a little debate. We saw the movie last night, My Left Foot. Was it better to have cerebral palsy a generation ago in poverty-stricken Ireland or in 1990 California? Well, it's an interesting debate. My immediate instinct was, God, look at how terrible it was then. He was being taken around in a wheelbarrow for much of his youth, and they thought he was retarded as a child. They thought he was worse than retarded, when they didn't realize what cerebral palsy was, until he finally scratched out the word "mother" on the house floor with chalk at quite a late age already, I mean, like 10. Can you imagine being thought of as mentally deficient when your brain is working well? Can you imagine that? On the other hand, he would— everybody related to him. The whole, you know, the whole town related to him. What do we do with people today who are crippled or who have mental deficiencies? So frequently they are sent away. They don't— they're not part of our lives. Do you know, I will never forget this. In the third world, it was the one thing that that most made an impact in my third world travels. Everywhere I went, I saw crippled people. People were crawling, people were being wheeled in wheelbarrows, people had no eye, no ear, no this. Nobody thought anything about it. Oh, so-and-so, yeah, he has no eye. So-and-so, yeah, he has no legs.

So what?

You know, that's his problem. Much worse much less sophisticated medically, but they were part of life. So I don't know. I think that keeping our kids away from seeing misery has that problem for the kid whose everything is intact, everything is fine, everything is hunky-dory, and the biggest problem is homework. I think that's very bad, and they must see pain. That's why I got so angry at the parents about the Holocaust movie. I said on the radio frequently, "Don't take your kids to a movie again this weekend. Take them to a nursing home. Take them to do something good, to see people who aren't 14." Okay, well, I'll take one more. Yes.

My question is about pain.

When you say be open to experiencing that, it reminds me of the Steve Martin bit that he does about how to become a millionaire. Well, you get a million dollars. You know, we have this— we build houses so we don't have to be under the rain. The rain could teach us more about nature.

And Guy said, baloney, we don't want to be cold. Every impulse is to avoid pain.

So it's so comfortable for me to sit here and listen to you going, 'That sounds so great, great.' God bless you, you're right, you don't. So my son said to me, 'I, I don't like being alone. Why do you want me to? If I could have a friend at every minute, why shouldn't I?' But other than just saying embrace it, when would Every fiber in your body militates the other direction.

You—

I, I wager you didn't take part 1 of this course, correct? Right. Part 1 of the course had one theme: happiness is a fight with your nature. Your nature also says, look, cheesecake, yummy, yummy, yummy. Unless we are capable of understanding that what our natures want is not the same as what the human in us wants. Our nature is animal. The human is human. And there is a battle between the human and his nature. That is my deepest belief in life. Morally, depth and happiness, all of them, in all of them. So you're absolutely right. Your nature screams, "Comfort, comfort, comfort." Happiness screams, "Depth, depth, depth." self-control, fight your nature. And ironically, the ones who fight their nature end up much happier than the ones with the comfort. Nature says— listen— says take a drug. Nature says sleep with her. Happy. This has been Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Visit DennisPrager.com. Dennisprager.com for thousands of hours of Dennis' lectures, courses, and classic radio programs, and to purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles.