Timeless Wisdom: Thoughts on Marriage (Part 1)

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It went over really well, if I'm allowed to say that, and many people ordered the tape. However, I have since given this talk a second time in Colorado at a meeting of FTI Consulting. They brought me out to Colorado to speak to their people, uh, and about, about marriage. And I incorporated more ideas than at the original lecture in Los Angeles. And so this is the one I'm sending out. If you insist on the LA one, just call the office. But in the meantime, enjoy Insights into Marriage. I'm going to talk to you about marriage, and I have a few things to say in advance. On, on this matter. You might wonder why I'd be talking to you about marriage. First, that's what they requested. Uh, that's really the major reason. I actually— let me tell you, because those of you who don't know me at all, I care about everything. And I do. And I've done radio now for 20 years, aside from my books and writings. That has been the greatest learning for me because I get to talk to people from every background on every subject. Marriage. And I have talked to hundreds, if not thousands, of couples in the course of my radio, in the course of actually even interviewing people privately. I am fascinated by marriage. Let me tell you my credentials. I am married. And I have also been single. And I was also divorced. So I had a 5.5-year marriage. I'm now in a 15-year marriage. My wife is with me as our of our children. So I have, uh, I have seen a lot of it. That does not make me an expert at all, although I guess every married person is somewhat of an expert on marriage. And it brings me some humility to talk before you, most of you being married, because I know you have wisdom to share on the subject of marriage as well. So I will, uh, just hopefully I will have earned your respect on this matter after you hear the points that I have to make. The purpose of this being to offer insights into the most complex institution. Parent-child relations are complex, of course. Business relations are complex. But nothing, in my opinion, matches the complexity of marriage. That a man and a woman will live together, for any period of time, is to my mind a victory for the human spirit. Men— I am never amazed at the divorce statistics. I am always amazed at these stay-together statistics. It is not just that I am some built-in optimist, it is just that I know how different men and women are. A subject, one of my all-time favorite subjects. On my radio show, I will have one hour on Iraq and the next hour on how men and women are different. They are equally important. And it's to your credit, by the way, that you didn't only have macro subjects at your conference. I am just as happy to speak on macro issues, but this is really as much a part of life and as much a part of whether you will be a fulfilled person as anything you do in your business. So I hope that this helps you. I gave this talk most recently in Los Angeles to couples who listen to my radio show, because I had been conducting single seminars, because I'm a big believer in marriage, And so I say that on the radio, and so I had 600 singles at a time who would come to conferences where I spoke on singlehood and getting married and so on. Then I said, "You know, though, I really want couples to meet couples, and I want to talk to couples." So we had a couples conference, and a very interesting thing happened. I got remarks through email and on my radio show the next day of wives telling me that some of their husbands cried. And I, I was a little taken aback. I didn't even know which part would. But apparently— and that's the only reason I feel I deserve your attention on this matter— apparently I had said things that really, in the best sense, not in any, God forbid, negative sense, hit home for people. And if I can in some way help your marriage or understanding of marriage in one of the 10 or 11 points I give, then the time really is worth it. Because you do wonder, and I did too— listen, I wrote a book on happiness, and I didn't want to write a book repeating what others had said. It's a waste of my time and the reader's time, and I treasure time. But I believe that over time, if you're careful and you think things through new, and you don't have an agenda, that you can say things that are worthwhile. And so I hope that that's what happens here. There is, by the way, I hear a honeymooning couple, or just the— Mike and Stacy Tucker. I want to congratulate you, and I am very happy that you're hearing this after your honeymoon. I just— I really got a little relieved. These are— because all of these, these are very sobering thoughts. About marriage. Okay, so let me begin. There is no order in this order. None. Every one of the points is probably equally important. But let me begin, because I do want to have time for you. It's very important for me to get your feedback, and you may not agree with points. You may think I left out a particularly important one. By the way, I always speak— every talk I've given— I started speaking at 21, I'm 54. For 30— it's pathetic that I have to do this slowly— for 33 years I have been speaking, and I think every one of my speeches has been enumerated, which is wonderful for the audience because in case you fall asleep at point 4, you could rejoin at 6 and you have only missed 4 and 5. They are all— they all stand on their own, each of the points I'm about to make, which is also good if you take notes. But if this does earn your interest, I want you to know it is being recorded and will be made available somehow to you afterwards. So I did want you to know that. This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this.

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Now back to more of Dennis Prager's Timeless Wisdom. Point number 1: Either marriage gets better or it gets worse. I take it from your reaction that you agree with me. I didn't feel that you were laughing at me, but with me. This is a very important, simple point. They're all important, simple points that need to be stated because the human The natural human tendency is to coast. Nobody likes to make efforts. We make efforts all day. Why are we going to then have to make efforts when we get home? I'll never forget a bachelor who, as it turns out, didn't have a good marriage now, I'm sorry to say. But when he was a bachelor, a very bright man that I knew, he said, Dennis, what is it like to be married? And I said, well, you know, well, we'll just call him Larry. You know, Larry, it's, it's You have to work on marriage. He said, work on marriage? That's ridiculous. I work all day. I don't want to go home and work. And I said, you better stay a bachelor. If that's your attitude, you better stay a bachelor. Marriage has to be worked on. That— it doesn't mean that it is laborious and tedious or anything like that, but the marriage has to be tended to. By God, your car has to be worked on. We bring in cars for tune-ups, right? If your car is not tuned up, it will get worse. You can't coast along in a car without lube jobs, without periodic engine checks. Alright, no pun intended, okay? Oh boy, you know, Jeff, you didn't warn me. You did not warn me. This is the raunchiest crowd I have spoken to in a while. Anyway, forget the lube job. A marriage has to be tenet. By the way, I have to say this, especially since my wife is in the room. I do not offer myself as a paragon of all 10 points. Please, okay? Just— I will not be able to face my wife. She said, how can you come across as doing all these things? This is— I'm telling you wisdom that I have to live by as well as anybody else. Okay, just want that clear. But in any event, either marriage does get better or gets worse. By the way, you know where I learned this? This is so bizarre. I didn't learn this just from being married. I learned this from, uh, my field of study was, was Soviet and Russian history, of all things. Prepared me well for life. Uh, but I— there was a, there was a czarist minister And only because I learned Russian can I say his name right. Pavyedenostsev. This guy made a statement to the Tsar in the late 19th century, which, about the Russian Empire, which stayed with me my whole life. And it's true almost about everything. He said to the Tsar, in defense of the empire expanding, he said, "That which doesn't expand contracts." That was the rationale for the Russian Empire constantly expanding. And I realized, my God, that's true for everything in life. That which doesn't improve, in fact, gets worse. And it is true for all of our lives. It is true for marriage. If you coast along, you basically end up coasting into an iceberg. And so you can't. Your marriage needs attention. And that's why there are marital therapists. That's why there are romantic getaway weekends. That's why there are telephones to talk to each other. That's why there are so many things. But you can't, no matter how much in love you are, and I say this to the newlyweds especially so that they can avoid this, please know, just as your business takes attention, your marriage takes attention. Number 2: Some romantic ideas can really hurt your marriage. Romance is beautiful. Romantic thinking isn't. And the most obvious one is this: many people who divorce— and I'm not against divorce, I'm against gratuitous divorce, divorce that shouldn't have happened. There are divorces that should happen, there's no question. But there are divorces that shouldn't have happened. And one of the things that you hear is, "Well, I fell out of love." Now, I'm not judging those people, but I want to speak about the concept of "in love." No one— and that's why I feel bad about the newlyweds— no one is in love all the time. That is like being, if you will, orgasmic all the time. It's not possible. There are times for being orgasmic and there are times for being normal. You cannot be, you cannot be in love all the time. It is a high, it is a chemical high. It is a chemical high that I wish upon every good person on earth. There is no high like being in love. And it doesn't necessarily end, God forbid, after the initial in-love period of a marriage, whatever time that is. But it doesn't continue forever, and that's nothing to panic about. In love is a chemical state. You can't be in a chemical state. It's like being manic. You can't be manic all the time. It is not good. It's like a high. You can love all the time, but you cannot be in love all the time. And it's okay if you're not. It's normal if you're not. The trick is to sometimes get that high back under circumstances. And sometimes, by the way, it's hard to know. Listen, so many things impinge upon being in love. Of course they do. Number one, children. As I have often said, God has a sense of humor. That— well, let me tell you why he has a sense of humor. Don't laugh yet. God has a sense of humor. Why? That which is created by passion then kills it. Now you're permitted to laugh. You are a very live group, I must say. God, why don't you like at 4 in the afternoon? This is 8:30 in the morning. That's very important to remember because children— it's possible to have a sex life after children. I've done surveys and it is possible. But it isn't the same for most. Unless you don't mind if your kid is crying while you're doing it. But most people do. And that is a very severe test of a marriage. Here you are, you are the focus of each other's attention entirely. And now that can't be the case. It can't. Even if you put your marriage first, first doesn't mean exclusive. Somebody else is demanding your attention who is helpless and gets you tired. And usually it's the mom, and she gets tired. And after a day of cleaning up puke and poop and pee and pop and pipe, maybe she doesn't want to make love. We'll come back to that issue because it's an, it's This is a significant issue. And then he feels, what's happened here? My lover is no longer my lover, she's dead tired. And then real things, real crises can take place. He may seek an affair in the worst-case scenarios, or they just start drifting and coasting, or what have you. But this is very normal. That's why I raise it. People have to be aware of this issue. That's why parents have to figure out what What do we do? That's what I mean by safeguard the marriage. What do we do? Kids have come. I want to tell you a very odd thing that happened. I got married first when I was 32, so I had a fairly long singles period, and I was single and the head of a retreat center in Southern California where many couples, many, many couples came for weekend retreats. And my dear friend and I, he was also single at the time, time we would talk about couples because we— because singles, people who've never been married, know nothing about marriage. I mean, it's just— there's nothing they can do about it. I didn't, you didn't. But I— so, but I wanted to know about marriage. And all of a sudden, one day, my, my friend Joseph said to me, Dennis, this is very strange, but it seems like the couples who have no kids have happier marriages. And I, I disregarded it. I said, Joseph, that's a little scary to think A, I always wanted kids, and B, most couples do have kids. So what kind of recommendation is that? But he may be right. Because you can attend to one another so much more if there are no children. On the other hand, having children together is also a form of cement to a marriage. Look at what we share together, these children. But please remember, this is all under the rubric of that high of in love is not available at all times. It's not bad that it isn't. The human being can't live on a high. So therefore, keep that in mind. And that brings me to a point that I was gonna make at the end, actually was gonna be my last point, but it's probably worth bringing in now. And that is patience. Couples need to have patience. There is a great story about the wise King Solomon, considered the wisest man who ever lived. And one day he asked his jeweler to make him a ring that would make him happy when he was sad and bring him to normal if he got too excited, got too happy. And the jeweler made him a ring, and on the ring were the words, "This too shall pass." I wear that ring, or I try to wear that ring. I recommend— I don't mean literally, I have a normal wedding band, but I metaphorically try to wear such a ring in life to realize this too shall pass. Every couple has bad times, and during those bad times, first you try to remember why you do love the person. Sometimes you may, you know, you may have to actually sit down with yourself. Well, wait a minute, why did I marry her? Why did I marry him? And good, good memories can come back. That is why, by the way, it is good to have a very powerful initial phase, I think, in a marriage. But in any event, know that this will pass. And it may not pass in, in, in a day. It may not pass in a week or a month. Or maybe it will take a year. Maybe it will take 2 years. Clearly, if it's going to take 15 years, you've got a serious, serious, serious problem. But there are periods, there are highs and there are lows. But that's true in your life, it's true in singles' lives. The difference between a married person and a single is that there is someone you live with that monitors your moods. Again, my friend Joseph said to me, Dennis, you know what I discovered when I got married? I said, what? How moody I am. Because when you're single, you're never in a bad mood because there's no mirror of your moods to bounce off. So you're just you all the time. But as soon as you get married, you are— everything you say, do, how you act is monitored by another person monitoring your, your life. Patience is critical to a marriage. Doesn't mean you just sit by and do nothing, but it does mean that you calm yourself down. Don't panic. That's really what I'm saying here. Don't panic. It's very easy to panic. My marriage is on the rocks. Don't panic. Some marriages are on the rocks. I'm not here to say one should never get divorced, but a lot of divorces were not necessary, I suspect. This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this.

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Now back to more of Dennis Prager's timeless wisdom. Number 4: No human being in the world can fulfill all of your wants, or even probably all of your needs. It is not possible. That is, again, remember I said I'm anti-romantic. Not anti-romance, anti-romantic thinking. That is why I have never been a fan of the term "soulmate." I meet singles, singles drive me nuts, and I drive them nuts. It's mutual. Singles are telling me, "Oh, you know, I don't know, when I meet my soulmate, that's when I'll get married." What does soulmate mean? You know what it means? For most people, it means clone. I tell you, I know singles real well. I do all these conferences with them. They— half of them will never get married. They're looking for themselves. My soulmate will be me in another body. That doesn't happen. What does that even mean? What does soulmate mean? I mean, it's a term that is used, but it— but all it does is hurt people, in my opinion, because, because it's, it's creating an image of some grandiose grandiosity that is not available to normal mortals. It is enough to have a partner in life that you respect and love and can make love with and, and, and have shared values. That's a big achievement. Forget Soulmate. Or look at singles ads. Singles ads are— that's why we're in bad shape. Look at what they think matters. Singles ads go basically as follows: 40 years old, love Chinese food and tennis. Who cares? Who cares? Chinese food? Food and tennis? Oh, that's going to make a beautiful marriage. I'm serious. I have met men who have said to me, women, if he doesn't play tennis, that's it. That's it. That's it. Because you and I know how important tennis is to a good marriage. It's as important as loving Chinese food. They list things, and that's what I mean by clone. Who cares whether we both like Chinese food? Who cares? It's a nice addition if we could both play tennis. Admit it. It's just a nice addition, though. That's all it is. People don't even know what to look for if you read singles ads. If you read singles ads compared to— they had singles ads 100 years ago, by the way. I just saw recently singles ads from the late 19th century, and it was like another world. Looking for a man with good character. Who would love to raise children. I mean, now it's Chinese food and tennis. We are in some ways far less sophisticated, believe it or not, and we think we're much more sophisticated than they were 100 years ago. There is no such thing as the person who will fulfill all your needs. If you love tennis, find someone to play tennis with. It doesn't have to be your spouse. Okay? That's all. It is not hard to do. There are many people looking for tennis partners, and you have to understand that, uh, otherwise it is endless. You really want a duplicate of you, and that's not possible, that someone will meet all your needs or all your wants. Marriage is a unique institution to share a life with a human being that you can love and respect, and the respect part, that's the one part that is a sine qua non. There are even times you may wonder about loving, but if you wonder about respecting, that I have to say is hard for me to imagine that a marriage can survive. The respect is absolutely the bottom line that I do believe has to exist virtually every moment, even when you're angry at each other or whatever there is. If you can't respect the human as a human, or as a man or as a woman, then I think you're pretty much doomed, unless it can be revived somehow. In light of the fact that nobody can fulfill all your wants or all your needs, I advocate with equal passion, as I do advocating that singles get married, I advocate that married people find friends. If a woman has a close girlfriend or a man has a close guy friend, it takes a lot of pressure off the marriage. If the guy is really aching to watch football and she's not into it, then watch it with a guy. That's all. And a woman, listen, by and large, most men don't want to know all the details of your stories. I know this is a This is very painful, very painful for me to say, especially with my wife present. Yes, honey, I do want to know what the two of you had for lunch, but I, I, we are very different. Men and women are very different, and if a woman could find a girlfriend to talk the stuff that she loves to talk about, and a guy could do whatever guy stuff he's into. Listen, I realized very early in my marriage that my wife is not into stereo gear. She isn't. For her, preamplifier is irrelevant. That hurts. That hurts. I just want you to know it took me a while to get over the fact that when I brought in two mono amps It did not mean much to Fran. But gradually you realize it doesn't really matter. You like the stereo, others like it, that's fine. Your wife, your partner doesn't have to love it. It's okay. In the sum total of life, it's pretty darn trivial. So you don't have to find someone who meets all your wants and needs. That person doesn't exist. Maybe 50 people would have to exist to do it, let alone all your emotional needs and all your psychological needs and wants. That's why getting friends is so important. Now, there are two types of friends that I strongly recommend for couples. One is the same-sex friend for each of you, or friends, and couples friends. I believe couples need couples as much as singles need single friends. And I believe— so strongly do I believe in that, that I believe you should date to find a couple friend, just like you dated to find a spouse. You need— I, I'm convinced. I have seen no data on this, but I am absolutely convinced that couples with couples friends have a better chance of the marriage continuing. And the best thing couples could ever possibly do and this is very rare, I admit it, is talk about their marital issues with the couple. It's very hard. People will talk about problems with children openly to couples. People will talk about financial problems even. But they won't talk about marital problems. They're embarrassed. That's why I am so amazed at how often people will have friends, and I'd say, "Well, did you see the divorce of your friends coming?" "No, we were shocked." How could you be their friends and be shocked? It's a very— it's the ideal. I'm offering you an ideal that you can open up about your marriage to friends. And I'll tell you why. The moment you do, you start to laugh about many of your problems because you realize they are universal. Most marital issues are not unique to the jerk you're married to because you're not married to a jerk in most instances. You're married to a normal man, and you have to understand that. You know, this is the relief. This— there are two things, guys, let me tell you, there are two things that work on your behalf in your wife understanding you. A is having other couples for friends who talk about their marriage, and then you can sit back and, and, and see, see, I'm even better than he is when they talk about their issues. The second thing that helps all men in marriage is if you have a son, because your wife looks at this animal and realizes, my God, you have come so far. That is absolutely right. It was a major moment in my marriage. My wife looked at me, I was like saintly. I had be— This is the question every wife asks her: "Well, you like that?" Right? That's every wife said. "Yes, darling." That's right. "I no longer make fart sounds at the table." "Oh, you're great, you're great." So guys are guys, and a woman can't know guys are guys till she meets other guys. In couples or in having a son. So, and the same thing with women. It's not that your wife demands a lot of attention. Women demand a lot of attention. That is the way they're made. That's what makes them female and not male. That's, by the way, all generalities have exceptions. I understand that. If you're different, you're different, that's fine. But this is as true as seatbelts save lives. Some seat— it is. No, no, no. Some seatbelts don't save lives. But most do. Okay. So it is very important. You need friends. Friends are a big help, both as couples and singles. Number, uh, let's see, number 5. Remember, remember, I don't know if you remember, but Love Story was a famous film many years ago. And you know, most movies have a motto. The motto of Love Story was without question the dumbest motto Probably the dumbest statement that I have ever heard publicly made: "Being in love means never having to say you're sorry." That is what I call romantic thought and a thought only Hollywood, in its wisdom, could come up with. Because being in love means always having to say you're sorry. It is the opposite of that stupid line. In fact, let me tell you in all seriousness, those 3 words, "I am sorry," in the course of a human life may be more powerful than "I love you." They are. I'll tell you where. And this is a talk that I give about raising children. And I believe that saying to your child, when appropriate, "I am sorry," will do more for the psychic health of your child, psychological health, than "I love you." If your parents had said "I am sorry" to you on some occasions when they should have, even maybe today, things would be better with your parents in most instances. They are the most powerful 3 words, and they are powerful not only to your children, they are powerful to your spouse. "I am sorry I hurt your feelings." I know that because we do hurt each other. It's not possible for a couple never to hurt one another. It's not possible. Even if you do nothing wrong, you will hurt by sins of omission, not just by sins of commission. Most guys' errors, by the way, are in fact sins of omission. "What did I do?" is typical. "What did I do?" "Me?" We have no idea, by the way. We truly have no idea. The— now, by the way, while those are the most important words, here are the worst words that a man can hear: "Honey, we have to talk." You don't feel that those— I mean, your wife doesn't say that to you? The "honey, we have to—" it's not usually about, "I just wanted to tell you how great you are as a husband." It's usually not what happens. "I am sorry" is powerful. Now, that brings me to point number 6, and that is, uh, here is, uh, men and women have their own, uh, uh, I don't know, flaws. I would better say challenges in being, uh, an ideal spouse. Uh, one of the flaws with women is, and I'll put it to you best, a dear friend of mine made a great quote. Uh, he said, uh, Dennis, I, I read Genesis and This is the way I read Genesis. In the beginning, God created men and critics. This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this.

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Now back to more of Dennis Prager's Timeless Wisdom. Now, Some of you probably relate to this. Women do tend to criticize their husbands about their driving, for example, in my case. My wife actually gets closer to God whenever we drive because she feels that he has saved her from a fatal accident with me. She truly— she does not— she believes it is divine intervention alone that I do not crash every time I drive. You may have your areas, but women tend to criticize their men. Now, why do women criticize their men? It's an interesting question, because it is fairly universal. I say fairly, because it's not always true. I think it comes from a primal desire that their husband be perfect. Men have a primal desire that their wife be beautiful. And women have a primal desire that their wife, that their husband be perfect. The knight in shining armor, whatever you call. But in effect, that's what they want. Primal desires are okay. We are consistent of, consisting in some ways of primal yearnings. And that's okay. The problem therefore is not that the wife criticizes. It is how the criticism, and men criticize too, by the way. And men's criticism is usually more severely problematic for the marriage because basically the ratio is about 80 to 1 in her critiques to his. Because if you say something critical to your wife, it doesn't bounce off quite like her criticism might of you. I tried to understate the case as best as I possibly could. So here is a suggestion on criticizing. First, here is a general rule that I have. On my radio show, as each New Year's approaches, I have suggestions for New Year's resolutions. This one I give every year. It would make life a lot nicer in our society. For every time you make a call or write a letter of complaint, complaint to a company or whatever, write a letter of praise or make a call of praise as well to someone who has done good for you. We tend to be more verbal in our complaining in life, in our criticizing, than we do in our complimenting. And it's a very important lesson in the macro vis-à-vis— oh, if you had poor service on an airline, you may very well write a letter. But if you had great service, did you write a letter too? And so, but one should. It's not right not to. And so likewise, certainly in the micro, that compliments be as often— monitor almost. It would be a nice idea for the spouse who criticizes the most to count how many times I have done so this week, today, whatever. It's a little chart you could keep. And how many times did I tell him how wonderful he is? Is. That's all. It's, it's a fair, it's a fair thing, just as it's fair with the airlines. It's fair with your spouse. The other is when you do criticize. And by the way, wifely criticisms are very important. And this is— I mean this seriously— I am a very much better man for about 46% of the criticisms. I don't know what percent, I'm kidding, but I am a better man because I want to be better too. And but it has to be done lovingly. It has to be done that you criticize the action, not the person. It's not you, but it. By the way, you know that for children. You don't say to your child, you're a bad boy, you're a bad girl. You say, what you did was bad. You're a good girl who did a bad thing. If you're a bad girl, well, that ends everything. Then there's no hope for me. If I'm a bad guy, then what's the hope for me? Now, when you're angry, it's very tempting to overstate the case, to overstate the criticism, and to generalize about the person. Maybe that's why it's best to criticize when you're not angry. Just a thought. It's a very, it's a very sensitive part of marriage. This has been Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Visit DennisPrager.com for thousands of hours of Dennis's lectures, courses, and classic radio programs, and to purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles. You're invited to pull up a chair on Lisa Harper's back porch where faith meets real life. Welcome to Back Porch Theology. Each episode helps you dive deeper into God's Word and discover that the gospel isn't just good news for eternity, it's great news for everyday life because God is for you and he's always been restoring our value and —drawing us closer to him. With honest conversations, a few laughs, and guests ranging from close friends to brilliant theologians, Back Porch Theology is thoughtful, meaningful, and never stuffy. So grab some coffee or sweet tea and join Lisa Harper on Back Porch Theology. Subscribe now wherever you listen to podcasts.