What Were You Like in High School?

So I have the diametrically opposed experience of yours in high school.

I know.

All I did was play.

I know.

That's all I did. I did not do one homework in 4 years. I graduated in the bottom— what is it? The bottom 20%. Thank you. Of my class.

Top 80.

Or as I love saying that at speeches, folks, I graduated in the top 80% of my high school.

Do people get it or does it take a minute? No, no, I bet.

But I always I always stop and then I wait for the first person to laugh, then the second, and then the hundredth, and then the two hundredth. And I'll tell you why I say this. People are amazed, and I'm not complimenting myself. I'm amazed too. So it's not a compliment issue. It's just a fact. I, I have no burnout.

Yeah.

And I think a big part of it is I started late.

Hmm.

I started—

what do you mean you started late?

In college. I started to work later. Hmm. I didn't work in elementary school or high school. I just played.

Well, you know, someone who was also like that was Alan Dershowitz, interestingly. By the way, did you guys go to the same—

yes, we did. Yes.

Wow.

He was a few years ahead of me, but so I didn't know him.

He was a very—

wait, did he say state that?

Yes, he did. He, he faked his own suicide in high school.

Oh, that's not funny.

No, it's not funny. But he was, he was just a total— he didn't care about school. He was—

so wait, where did he go to elementary school? Oh, he went to Brooklyn. I think he went to Brooklyn, and then he went to Harvard.

Yeah.

And then he turned—

and you know what, I saw, I saw him a few days ago, and he was telling the story. He went by Avi. Or Abi, instead of Alan, as a child, apparently. And he ran into someone from his high school. This is like 20 years ago. He's in his mid-80s. And he introduced himself as Alan Dershowitz. And the guy from the high school said, oh, I know that name Dershowitz. Are you related to Abi Dershowitz? And Alan said, no, no, I'm not. And the guy said, Oh, or sorry, Alan said, no, I'm not, but nothing, nothing came of him. And the guy responded, oh yeah, well, that's not a shock. We all could have seen that he would have amounted to nothing.

That's hilarious.

There are a lot of people who kind of have that, and not that that was you, but like, you know, didn't really put their head—

No, my parents thought I would end up—

Really?

Yeah, absolutely.

Those people really interest me.

By the way, it was totally conscious. I even wrote about it.

Wow.

I actually wrote about it in essays for classes that I, I wanted— I'm doing what I want now. It's very important that people understand when I say I played it, I was not going to parties. I never— I've never liked a party. I don't like parties.

I know you don't, right?

So what I did, I had a massive amount of fun First of all, much of the day at school I laughed. I mean, I will tell you, this is truly hilarious, although I may be the only one watching, listening, or listening who finds it hilarious.

Or participating.

But, or participate, correct. I didn't know how to refer to you. That's right. Or participating. So here is an example. In my Talmud class, that was, that's, you know, that is so cool.

You had a Talmud class?

Yes, of course.

That sounds nerdy.

Well, half the day was Judaic studies in Hebrew and half the day was secular studies in English. And I learned a lot, obviously, but I also horsed around a lot. So in the Talmud class, which I never found Talmud riveting, I don't blame the Talmud, I blame me, but it's just a fact. It was in Aramaic to begin with. My Aramaic is rusty. My Hebrew is excellent, but my Aramaic is nothing. And it was often on subjects that I didn't care about. They were very, you know, legal minutiae. Anyway, so from the first— so September comes around, we go to class the first day. So I was sitting behind a guy, Isaac, and what I would do— there's no way you could fully relate to this. Did you ever hear of the Publishers Clearing House? I'm sure.

Yeah, of course.

How?

I just— I don't know, living in the world.

You got mail? You got mail from them?

No, I've just heard of that.

Okay, so Publishers Clearing House would send like 100 million Americans, they would get an envelope with little stickers. So they're like postage stamps. You tear them, they're perforated, you tear them, and you would put each— each of those stickers was the name of a magazine. And that's why it's called Publisher's Clearinghouse. Publishers of magazines would use Publishers Clearing House to get subscribers.

I see.

So if I would, let's say, put down Popular Electronics, which I did subscribe to, so I would, I would take, tear off this, the, the, the adhesive picture of Popular Electronics and stick it on the box for a reduced price, right? Get it with me?

I'm with you.

So I would bring those into class and I would take one of the stickies, perhaps, you know, Popular Mechanics, like, or I don't know, Sports Illustrated, and I would stick it on the back, Isaac's back. Isaac would then go like this and he would pull off a sticker. Of one of the magazines and get annoyed with me.

Yeah.

Which was the only point of it. If he didn't get annoyed with me—

Yeah, of course. That's what makes it fun.

There's no joy. So I would do it about 1 or 2 more times. And then for the rest of the year, all I would do is put my thumb on his back with no stab.

And he'd get really annoyed.

And he would still go like this. So people have to understand that this is so childish what I'm describing, but it was so much fun driving him nuts. I, I, I would— when I went to school, every kid brought a briefcase, not a backpack.

So cute.

Yes, every kid, the girls too. Everybody had a briefcase next to their— with their notebook and their books, right? Their pencils, right? Pens. I was so bored in class. That's a big factor. It didn't matter if it was in English or Hebrew. I was bored. What I would do is I would arrange with my male cohorts— there you go, cohort— I would arrange with them at a certain sign that they would all take the girl's briefcase from the side of their seat and switch it with another girl's briefcase.

That's the kind of stuff I would do.

Yeah, I know, I believe you. No, it sounds like you're getting up from the, uh, water and doing this. So the teacher would then say, all right, everybody take out your notebooks, please. And then the girls would go down and it wasn't their briefcase, and they would yell or panic, right? And I— the joy that that brought me. I know, it's so fun.

It's Oh, that's right.

It's immeasurable.

I used to push people in the pool and they were like getting ready to, you know.

You did?

Yeah, they'd be standing there.

Other girls, I assume, right?

I used to dunk people under the water.