Why Aren’t People Getting Married? (Part 2)

On today's episode of Timeless Wisdom, you have your good life with men who don't hold the door for you. I'll have a good life with a woman who wants me to hold the door for her.

That's coming up on Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager.

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Welcome to Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Hear thousands of hours of Dennis's lectures, courses, and classic radio programs. And to purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles, go to DennisPrager.com. Prager.com.

I mean, this feminist rhetoric had gotten to the point where women were starting to believe that they were really men with women's bodies. Oh, we don't need men, and we don't need commitment from men. We could have just as, uh, non-committed sex and enjoy it as men could. Now, when I was 21 and heard this from a woman, I blessed God. I went on my knees. I, I couldn't believe it. I— God, men have been waiting 14,000 years for women to believe such nonsense, and here I have it I'm in college. Thank you, Lord. What did I do to deserve this? Because I was always an ethical guy, and I would never lead on a woman, even at that age. Oh, I love you, I love you, to get her into bed and so on. But here they were saying, oh, you don't have to love me. I am just like a man. I could just enjoy the physical dexterity of it all, which was what they were told by feminist rhetoric. And it didn't work out quite that way to most females' happiness. You know, Sex and the City, you know, it gives these hyper-sexed women talking sex all the time and so on, but of course in their private lives they're just getting married and having children. They lead utterly traditional '50s lives. They talk liberation, they talk feminism, they talk sex, and they lead monogamous married lives as mothers and wives. That's the irony of all of this, but people don't see that. They don't see the non-exciting real life of Kim Cattrall. They actually see the sexy character in Sex and the City, and young women believe I believe this. This is the way a woman should be thinking and talking. I'm not with it. I'm not a normal woman if I'm not thinking and talking that way. But her real life, which is monogamous, loving a man and making a child, that's a non-issue. They don't report it. It would hurt ratings. It's not exciting. So between the media and feminism, the message is to young women, what? Men, marriage, home, that's for losers. You're a winner. For you, it's non-committal sex, a child anytime you want one, the hell with whether or not the child has a father, and of course career, because career is the be-all and end-all of life. That is what gives you meaning. Really? Really? It gives men meaning because men are wired differently. Conquering the outer world is meaningful to men. When men get fired, they're far more likely to get depressed and suicidal than when women get get fired. Because it is a masculine identity to work. Females can or cannot work, it is a choice in their life, but it is not an identity-giving fact, work. And I'm not saying there isn't meaningful work that a woman— of course there is, I mean, it'd be absurd to deny that. But women are wired to want to make something with a partner. That's the way women are wired. What is wrong with that? Why is that not glamorous? Why is that less meaningful? It's why I've always called feminism masculinism. It has no celebration of the feminine. It's a celebration of the masculine, and it applies his characteristics to her and calls it liberation. It is a tragedy. It is a tragedy. There is nothing wrong with marrying younger. Nothing wrong. It's actually probably a good idea. But all of that is taught otherwise. Part of the problem in that, in the not marrying younger and so on, and not marrying at all for even more women, brings me to reason number 7: no roles. Our hyper-intellectual society has said to men and women that there should be no male roles or no female roles. I don't know how many have heard my broadcast on this, but it was a very interesting study reported by the Wall Street Journal. A man, a psychologist at the University of Washington, has been studying marriages, interestingly studying good marriages as well as bad marriages, which is a very important thing to do, his whole life. And again, this is a professor with no, uh, no traditional axe to grind. The greatest single predictor of a good marriage was if the marriage had traditional male-female roles in it. Speaking for myself, I deeply believe that. It makes so much sense to me. We pretty much have divvied up, my wife and I, various activities in the home. Not that there is never any cross work together, of course there is, but by and large, she's the Minister of the Interior and I'm the Foreign Minister. You know, and that's the way it works. I mean, it just is, and it is very nice. I like that idea. I like roles. I like masculine things and feminine things.

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Okay, what's wrong with that? Why is the view that we are interchangeable good? Why is that considered liberated and smart? It's stupid and not liberated. It forces people into, into things that We were told, though, people were forced into feminine and forced into masculine roles, but in fact, I think by and large, more is happening in the other direction, where women are forced into masculine roles and men are being effeminized. And nobody's happy about it. When I spoke to Dr. Marmer before this talk today, who's a psychiatrist who has people of all ages, he was telling me about a 28-year-old single woman who was lamenting to him that she said, "Where did chivalry go? How come I can't meet a guy who will pay for dinner on a date?" To me, I mean, I may sound much older than I am, but to me the idea of my not paying for a date, when I had no money I paid for dates, it was so demasculinizing for my identity that I wouldn't pay for a date. If I took out a millionaire, I would have paid for the date. It never occurred to me, and I heard all this liberation stuff, It didn't— it was a non-factor to me. Now, you may disagree, that's fine, but at least acknowledge that that is the destruction of a gender role. I paid for the date, and I didn't pay for the date in the hope that, "Oh, if I pay for the date, that gets me to first base on the first date, second base on the second date, and so on." It was just, "That's— I'm a man, I work, I want— this is my way of saying to you that I hope to one day support a family." That's what was in my mind even when I was 20, and I didn't marry till I was 32. But there was all— I was like practicing. I, as a single, I was practicing to be a man. Boys practice to be men, girls practice to be women. And the idea that— now, that's not saying that it would— I would never allow, even on the 10th date, you know what, I'd love to treat us tonight. Of course, I'm not, I'm not locked into this with an unbreakable lock. But I like the idea of a masculine role and a feminine role. It keeps me more masculine and it keeps the woman more feminine. Why would I want to marry a masculine woman? I could have a roommate for that with none of the downsides. I mean, my God, it just— I don't know, what is the appeal of having somebody who does everything you do? I don't even understand it romantically. It doesn't make sense to me. And so this idea of no roles is another reason that people are marrying less, because they're not seeing an other. You, you want to marry the other, the opposite sex, not the same sex in a different body. You want to marry the opposite sex with different traits, a masculine man, a feminine woman. God, you know, we, uh, Just this morning, my youngest son, who's 9 and a half, we let— more than TV, we allow him to watch movies, and they're usually older movies, like John Wayne movies. I happen to like John Wayne movies for him. Let him see a guy who shoots bad guys. I like that model. I am primitive, I understand. But, you know, when I see John Wayne and his acting, and then you see some of the the, you know, like Tom Cruise, uh, in, in some of the roles that he would have, and his, his whole boyish countenance. John Wayne, you know, I'm talking about the roles they played, not their individual lives. I have no comment on that, and that would be gossip, and I don't do that. But just the roles they play. John Wayne was a man's man, and Tom Cruise, a woman's man. And that's the way it's sold. He's cute, he's gorgeous, He's clearly made his hair fall exactly right. And he's always called boyish. Was John Wayne ever called boyish? John Wayne was manish. And a lot of the women are the same. A lot of these, the women are so non-feminine. They may have great bodies, but they're not feminine. There's none of what you would have associated with so many— again, I'm talking about the roles they play, not their real lives where I don't know and I don't care. This too is a reason for, for the not having more marriage today. There are fewer masculine men, fewer feminine women. There is more confusion. Confused people don't know how to bond. They don't know how to talk. Guys don't even know whether to hold the door for a woman.

This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this.

Is losing weight getting harder as you get older? It's not your fault. You're eating better, you're moving more, but your body isn't responding anymore. At PhD Weight Loss, they help people identify what's actually blocking fat loss and help increase your lifespan. If you want to understand why your body isn't cooperating, call PhD Weight Loss now and book your consultation at 864-644-1900. Mention Dennis Prager and you get 2 weeks free in the program, and they'll pay for your food. That's a $1,500 value, absolutely free. Call 864-644-1900.

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I remember when guys my age— and I'm from the heyday of feminism— they would say, "Gee, I don't know, do I hold the door for women?" I had a very simple attitude, but I was very secure. I'm very lucky. God gave me inner security from a very early age. I flew from Miami to New York when I was 7, alone. My parents came late to the airport. I had already gotten my luggage and tipped the porter. So I don't take any credit for it. That is my nature. I take care of myself, my life, have a good day. They were cracking up. The porter was already there. I was waiting for a taxi. I didn't care if they paid. So I remember when, you know, when fellow male friends at college said, "Yeah, I don't know, do I hold the door for a woman? You know, some women may resent it." I had a very simple— if a woman resented that I held the door for her, that was the last date we went on. That was the end of the issue. No offense, but we're not for each other. But I was secure enough as a male to say that. You resent my holding the door for you? Then obviously we don't have a future together. That's it. That's all. It's no big deal. You have your good life with men who don't hold the door for you. I'll have a good life with a woman who wants me to hold the door for her. But so many men have been cowered by feminist rhetoric or by, well, ball-busting women— forgive me for being so graphic— that they have just been cowered into not knowing. Do what comes naturally to a man. Act like a man. That doesn't mean macho. Now, there are things men do on dates that you're— I'm embarrassed to be a man. I was talking to a single woman who was widowed very early. There's a tragic situation with a husband that had cancer at 30, and dating now an attractive woman. She tells me that a guy, a guy asked her on a second date whether or not she enjoys oral sex. That's an idiot. That man is a bona fide idiot. That's the other side of the extreme on the thing. What are you, an animal? Well, the answer is yes. It was a rhetorical question. But the, uh, I mean, my God, what? A real man doesn't do that. You know, it's like I want to give— I feel bad saying this because I don't want to come across as better than anybody or anything like that, but maybe men need men lessons and women need from a good woman women lessons. You don't talk like that. What kind of talk is that? I just don't understand that. How does a guy say that? What is this? You know, does he work for the Kinsey Institute? I just don't understand. You know, when she said it to me, I just dropped what was in my mouth. I couldn't believe it, but I do believe it. Too many women tell me these things. I know sex is on guys' minds. I'm a guy, I know that. But my God, there's such a thing as called just having the appropriate behavior, not exactly wearing it on your sleeve at all times, having it develop in a more natural way than having a sex survey on the second date. I just— again, and these are some of the things that go on, and it's part of it is the breakdown of roles, because now men think, "Hey, women are just like us." Well, if women are just like us, then they're sex animals just like us too. Then by golly, I want to know what you love, what variations on the, uh, on the, uh, coitus theme that you really like on the second date. And he thought he was a hero for waiting one date before popping the question. But I'm telling you, it's part of the no role, no roles. Hey, if men are well like women and women are like men, then I don't have to guard my tongue, do I? Money, then I can just expose myself, theoretically, right? Or not literally, but expose what I'm thinking at any moment. After all, she's no different from me. The feminists told me that. Life told me that. TV told me that. And finally, why people aren't getting married, number 8, is the terrible, terrible narcissism that afflict so many people. And it gets worse the longer you don't get married. I mean, it's not a criticism. It was happening to me. I mean, it's just inevitable. I mean, you could be devoted to a million great causes, but if you have never— and I'm talking specifically to the never married, not those of you who have divorced or been widowed. I have a dear friend in the Midwest. He is a wonderful man, a wonderful man, and gives his gives his life to many causes. I really, really like this guy. And he has never been married, and he just broke up in another relationship. And he's telling me, it's funny, as I watch his life progress, he says, Dennis, the truth is I really like the life that I have set up for myself. And any woman right now is almost like an intruder. And I'm sure that that is for a lot of women too after a certain age. Because there's a lot of bending you have to do for somebody else. A lot. It's very tough, and it's tough— it's easier when you do it earlier than later. And as it is, we have a narcissistic society. Worrying about myself, I worry about me, what do I want? That's inevitable when you're alone. What else is there to worry about? As soon as you marry, it's cut in half, the self-perceptions. What does he want? What does she want? Do I have to be home? Not have to be home? I mean, did you hear— I don't know if you heard the couple just this Friday called up. It was so sad, you know. They're having marital problems, which is inevitable. That's all right. They both respect me, so they called up. It was one of these— the one hour a week I have call on anything. So here I was, you know, like a marital therapist, which by the way, incidentally, I've done twice in my life with two couples actually in my room. And it worked both times. And I have a— not that I'm doing this for a living, but I have an approach which is behavioral rather than figuring out the psychological sources. Just do behaviors. Behaviors change your psyche more than your psyche changes your behaviors, in my opinion. But anyway, I wasn't going to give them therapy on the air. It would be silly and irresponsible, I thought. But it was interesting what her issue was. That he is now, you know, staying out late and not even calling in, calling home to tell her that. And, you know, I don't know what he's doing, if he's messing around or if he's working late or whatever he's doing, but you owe it to your partner, to your wife, to say, honey, she doesn't— you don't owe it to be in on a leash. A couple should give each other as much freedom as possible. I believe in that very deeply, very deeply. At the same time, you can't abuse the freedom and not say, "Honey, I'm at the office, I have to do X reports," and so on, and just stay out late and come home at midnight. You're not a bachelor, you're a married man. And obviously, in whatever way it would apply, it would apply to a woman too. The narcissism factor cannot be overstated. It is a very terrible factor. Those are some of the reasons that I believe that a lot of people are not getting married. And it is, uh, it is sad because with all of its challenges and unhappinesses and tensions and so on, by and large, it's better for the person, and it's certainly better for society when people pair off and take responsibility for another person. I know that we don't even think in these terms today— what's better for society. It's just what's better for me, and it's not even what's better for me, it's what's better for me right now. But over the long haul, making something bigger than yourself with somebody else is a good idea. And they're not gonna be perfect, of course not, and you have to know which imperfections you can live with. But you know what? In most cases, people do get better. Even people who had lousy marriages, I am convinced that for the— I'm not talking beatings, but people who had an unhappy marriage even, and then divorced. Do you know that even they grew from their marriage? Ask anybody, almost anybody, "Are you a better person for having been married and divorced than for never having been married or divorced?" Overwhelmingly they will say, "I am a better person for both. It was horrible, the divorce was just unbelievably traumatic, which most divorces are, especially if there are kids involved. But that's the, that's the question that really isn't asked, and that is, do people— do I want to grow? It's, it's easier not to grow than to grow. But I've always said, on my tombstone, I don't want written, here lies Dennis Prager, a man who avoided pain and didn't grow. I wanted— here's a guy who dived into everything life could possibly give, whatever he was lucky enough or even unlucky enough to experience. I was divorced. This is my second marriage. We're married 14 years this week, in fact. And I will tell you— thank you. And, you know, it was hard to divorce. It was very hard. It was, but I learned so much from it. I learned so much. It made my second marriage possible, in fact. I didn't look at divorce as, "Oh man, I've been burned. I'm avoiding this institution." My whole mindset was, "Now I gotta figure out why I screwed up." And I went for psychotherapy, and I learned a lot more about me that I was not open to learning before that pain. Nothing like pain to open you up to learning about yourself. When do people ever go for therapy? When they're really in enough pain to finally enter a therapist's office. And you know I believe in religion and therapy. It bothers many of the religious that I believe in therapy. It bothers many of the secular that I believe in religion. But I believe in both. And they have both played very good roles in my life. And so I realized, "Oh, that's why I did that. Oh, that's it. Oh." Instead of spending the whole time thinking, "What a jerk I married." I didn't marry a jerk. I did not. I didn't feel it then, I don't feel it now. I didn't marry a jerk. I married someone I shouldn't have married if I wanted to make a good marriage, but she did the same thing. She also married wrong. It wasn't just me. And by not spending my time afterwards thinking, "What a jerk I married," but, "Hey, how did I make that mistake in the marriage and what I did in marriage?" Then I could work one out. I didn't decide, "Oh, marriage isn't for me." I decided, "I'll do better next time." Isn't that the better way to look at things? So I invite you to ask yourself which of these 8, if any, apply to you or apply to friends that you might know. Because this is something to think about. And please throw away the image of of 10, because 10s don't stay 10s anyway. You don't know how many 6s become 10s when you love them, and you don't know how many 10s become 2s when you don't love them. So get rid of that idea. Good luck. Thank you very much.

This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this.

Is losing weight getting harder as you get older? It's not your fault. You're eating better, you're moving more, but your body isn't responding anymore. At PhD Weight Loss, they help people identify what's actually blocking fat loss and help increase your lifespan. If you want to understand why your body isn't cooperating, call PhD Weight Loss now and book your consultation at 864-644-1900. Mention Dennis Prager and you get 2 weeks free in the program, and they'll pay for your food. That's a $1,500 value, absolutely free. Call 864-644-1900.

Now back to more of Dennis Prager's Timeless Wisdom.

Does anybody have— if not, it's okay. But if you want to ask me anything, by the way, it could be on anything you want. You might have heard from the radio, it's a time when we're together, but it's quite alright with me. Don't worry about my feelings if you don't have questions. It's not an issue. Yes?

The other day I met this man, we met halfway, and I said, "I'm out of gas, I need to stop at the gas station." So we go to the gas station and I just stood there. And he said, "What are you doing?" I said, "Well, why don't you pump my gas?" Well, don't you know how to do it? When I'm alone, I do it, but I thought it was like a— would have been a nice gesture of him to say, here, let me pump your gas. And he's looking at me like, you do it.

Well, that's right. Well, here was— I don't remember pumping women's gas, but the reason that literally at a gas station there were no variations on a theme with that comment. But I want to tell you The reason that I don't remember pumping— she had a— she met a man on a date recently. They met halfway. She ran out of gas and she wanted him to pump her gas. You're the guy, pump my gas. Okay, now—

Well, he wouldn't know why I didn't want to. I don't want to smell from it.

Why can't you smell from it? Right, you didn't want to smell from it, why can't you smell from it? Okay, fine. All right, fair enough. A man who smells like gasoline is a man. I mean, let's be honest. Anyway, frankly, I'd rather smell like gasoline than have my date smell like gasoline. So, I mean, if push came to shove, that would be alright with me. But here's an interesting— see, here's the reason I'm trying to relate personally, as we all do when we hear these very personal issues, obviously. So I'm thinking, gee, did I ever pump a date's gasoline? But then I realized I always picked up a date at her home. So, or at her place of work. So it never arose as an issue, now that I think of it, only because of that. Now, I'm not saying that that's the way it has to be now, but— and maybe there are women who don't want to be picked up at home for obvious security reasons, so I understand that. But I don't know if—

what is interesting is his reaction was, you know, "Why can't you pump your own gas?" I was kind of testing to see if he was going to be a gentleman and just sort of offer and said, "Oh, sure, let me do it." I mean, I drive to meet him halfway. He should have even paid for my gas. It's like, bro, you know, an hour out of my way. At least bump it.

Right. Well, that's an interesting one. He should have even offered to pay for the gas. She drove an hour out of her way. Listen, the issue was not the specifics. The issue was the mindset. The mindset of many men, as Dr. Morrow was telling me from his patients, is, "Hey, you women want equality." equality. Okay, here it is. Make up your minds. Do you want equality, which has come to mean sameness, not equality? Everybody believes— anybody decent believes in equality. Uh, but so you, you— which is it? If— and so men, a lot of men are confused. A lot of women are confused. And that's why I believe that we have paid a terrible price for the utter abandonment of any gender roles of chivalry, you know, I mean, there's no mystery in the opposite sex even anymore. I did a show on this last week about co-ed dorms at college. What the hell is that about? So what is the gain? What is the big gain? So people called me up and said, "Oh, Dennis, it is a big gain. I still have girlfriends from college that I met in my dorm." And I was thinking, is your wife happy about that? I mean, you know, I'm not a big believer in opposite-sex platonic friendship. I believe deeply in friends, but I believe the friends should be the same sex. I'm very suspicious that— because somebody wants something more. Because guys— and if guys really do open up and talk guy talk to a girl, how defeminizing that is of the girl. I mean, it's just, there's something awry here, going on here with all, it's just all a matter of friendship and so on. That's what happened there was again, the guy doesn't know. Are you women like us or not like us? Okay, yes. I would just like to— Alright, give her a mic, fine. Hold on.

I just want to make a comment about when I heard them in the film last night, last week talking about men that were afraid of being criticized by women. And she made a comment and said, "Criticize with love, follow by grace." And to me, that was a very important thing to hear because I think— I say the old days, but that's something my mother used to mention when I was a child. And that's one of the One of the things she told me when I got married, she gave me this little card with all these little things on it, you know, like never criticize him in public, you know. And so that was an important thing that I think she said, because we are too free today to criticize one another and not think about the other person's feelings.

That's an area where women have— each sex has its own battles to fight itself, to make themselves better and make a better relationship. One of the things women have to watch out for is their tendency to constantly try to make their man better. It is a natural— I'm convinced— female tendency. I want him to be perfect, and I, by golly, I'll make him perfect even if I drive both of us crazy. Um, I— almost every marriage has this, and it's a— everything is a fine line in love. On the one hand, you don't want to be a doormat. "Oh darling, that was beautiful the way you rammed into that car." Obviously, that's ridiculous. On the other hand, Bruce Hershenson, whom I adore, has a great line, and I actually did a whole show on this. He said, "Dennis, I am rewriting the biblical narrative as follows." In the beginning, God created man and critics. And so it obviously is fairly universal an issue, and women have to watch that. You know, I finally told my wife, who is not particularly guilty of this, but is a female, and as I am guilty of male things, and I just said the other day, I think the next time we drive, I'm going to have you in the back seat. And I will be your butler. You know, you can call me James. Uh, but she truly believes I'm the worst driver in America. She truly believes that. She thinks that it is a proof of God's existence that I do not crash every time we drive. Now, I want you to understand, I have driven probably a million miles in my lifetime, and the last time I crashed, I was 22 years old. I'm 54. So either God really is protecting me, which is what she believes, believes, or I don't drive nearly as badly as she thinks, which is what I believe. Uh, but so it is endemic to marriage that this happens. See? Okay. Yes.

Feeling that excitement, but making them say that when they don't feel that high anymore, that they, oh, I've fallen out of love.

That's right. God bless you, that is such a valuable point. That's right, when there's no adrenaline, people think they fell out of love. They fell out of adrenaline. And that's right. But look, I mean, a mature person recognizes that the, the, there are highs available when when two people meet that are only sometimes replicable later on. It is almost like saying, you know, my baby was born and now he's in his terrible twos and I just don't feel the excitement seeing him as I did on the day he was born. Well, you're an idiot if you expect to have that excitement. You know, you'll have it at his wedding, you'll have it, you know, at his high school graduation, or maybe maybe, I don't know what, but the daily life is not available. Those things are not available in daily life, nor should they be aspired to. That's why I'm saying excitement must be found in many areas. And the more you have, the better it is. I'll never forget, I have a lot of hobbies, and they truly are valuable to me, invaluable to me. And a friend of mine once saw me many years ago, I'm no longer into it, I no longer have other hobbies, but believe it or not, I had a stamp collection, which is really quaint today. And I was putting in these new issues that were sent, and I collected propaganda stamps from communist countries, it was fascinating. Anyway, and I found it fascinating, and I'll never forget, my friend came into my office, and he looked at me and he goes, "You know, Dennis Prager, 'Our friend so-and-so and I were just talking, and we envy you. You really can tune out with your hobbies.' And it's true, I can. And it, you know, and people need to find a lot of areas. You can't put all your eggs even in the marital basket. You can't put them all in the sex basket. You can't put them all in the fun basket. You can't put them all in the children basket. The more baskets you have, the better your life will be.

Tomorrow on Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager.

Thank you, Dr. Prager. Your wisdom and your sage advice, uh, that I have been listening to for months and months and years. Finally, today I let you know how much I appreciate you.

Well, that's very kind. Really, it touches me. Thank you. By the way, for the record, I'm not a doctor. Just for the record.

Join us tomorrow to hear more on Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager.

Is losing weight getting harder as you get older? It's not your fault. You're eating better, you're moving more, but your body isn't responding anymore. At PhD Weight Loss, they help people identify what's actually blocking fat loss and help increase your lifespan. If you want to understand why your body isn't cooperating, call PhD Weight Loss now and book your consultation at 864-644-1900. Mention Dennis Prager and you get 2 weeks free in the program and they'll pay for your food. That's a $1,500 value absolutely free. Call 864-644-1900.