From Surviving to Thriving: How Your Environment Affects Your Mind

Then today we're going to be talking about the importance of our environments and how often we are unable to recognize when environment is holding us back or our environment is toxic. And then what we can do to change that and ensure that everything we're doing here, like your program, your daily audios, and all of that has even better effect because you're changing your surroundings, your relationships, and where you're at.

So we're going to be covering three concepts like I shared in the emails, and that is we're going to talk about the importance of the environment. Then we'll give you some specific knowledge on how to recognize a toxic environment and then action steps on what you can do to change that.

Okay.

So Doc, how do we. Why is it so important?

Well, we also want to encourage you too, that if you have a question, you can put your hand up and ask the question, or you could send it to Maya. Or even if you, you know, before a webinar, if you have an idea that you want brought up during the webinar, just send it in and then Maya will bring it up.

So that's a great reminder. Thank you, Doc. We do want to make these as interactive as possible. Have you guys involved. Doc is here to respond to any questions you might have, but also for all of us to keep growing and evolving our TIP experience. So you can text it in the chat, you can raise your hand and ask it live, you can text it in the group or privately to me if you would rather keep it anonymous, and then I'll ask it for you.

Very good. So.

As everybody knows, sort of my story anyway, I sort of grew up in this idyllic environment, which was very fortunate for me, just having the ability to regulate my nervous system constantly. So it was sort of a surprise to me as I grew up to find out that not everybody had my life. And so why can't that be possible? Well, it actually is possible to live in that kind of environment.

But you have to have some say in it. So you can either just live in the environment that you're in and not do anything about it, or you can become proactive and do something about it.

So a lot of times I see it, especially in addiction. This is a big thing that happens.

In addiction where somebody will come in to work with us, we'll help them in what they're doing and make them feel better, and they're feeling better, and they're going through the program. And I'll give you an example of a lady who'd come in and she was doing really well. And then she'd come in the next day and she'd be all down. We'd say, what's going on? She'd say, oh, I was on the phone with my mom and my sister last night, and they kept on you know, telling me, well, you always say you're going to change and you never change. And I'm like, oh, my gosh. And then they're asking, well, why are they doing that? And that doesn't make any sense. So if you're. If you're trying to make changes and. And you're in an environment that doesn't encourage change, then you're going to have a difficult time making the changes. And so the. The story I sort of use in terms of.

Well, addiction is sort of a big one. So that was why I use this. So it's like somebody comes and they say they have a flower in the garden, but they love the flower, but the flower is dying. And so they take the flower to somebody who's going to work on it and make it better. So they said, come back in 30 days, right, and we'll have your flower all healed up for you. And so they do. They take it in 30 days later, they go to pick up the flower, and it looks amazing. It's very healthy, it's strong. And they go and they put that flower back into the same garden. What do they expect is going to happen? Right? It's going to probably experience the same things. So it's not having the nurturing. It doesn't have the environment to grow in. You've got to change that environment. Now, can you change that environment? Absolutely. You could put in new soil, you can put in more nutrients into that soil. You can put it in a pot. There's a lot of things you can do. So it doesn't mean that the environment that they're in can't change, but. But if you put it into the same environment and you don't make a change, right. You can sort of expect, you know, the same thing. So I've got all kinds of examples of different people, and I sort of had a list of different things that people have said to me, you know, over the years of things that they've been dealing with. But I sort of want to go over a few different areas of what to do to recognize what to sort of look for.

In an environment that you're not happy with. So you're either part of the problem or you're part of the solution. So a lot of times people don't recognize that they may be the problem.

In the environment and in creating this positive environment. So the kinds of things to sort of look for is.

Number one, if you're constantly on an emotional roller coaster with this particular person. Now, this could be a spouse, this could be a sibling, it could be whatever. But if every time you're working with them, you find yourself in this constant up and down and up and down.

Look at the relationship. And a lot of times it's coming from, as we all understand the atmospheric conditions. So if somebody has got a lot of trauma in their lifetime and then you're trying to deal with them, but you can't fix the trauma, then what you have to do is you have to recognize it and be able to adapt to it. Resilience, as we know is a big part of what we're trying to do here is build resilience. Kate Lund, actually, that's what she does. She works with people, young children, and building resilience, especially when you're young. So if you can build the resilience when you're young, my gosh, I mean, it's a life changing event. So for me, I think I had that ability very young, but I didn't have a lot of controversy. So I don't know if I really built my resilience through my environment. I really built my resilience to hockey and my sports because I learned about ups and downs and what worked and what didn't work and you don't always win. And so I think that was a big part. It was actually brilliant. My parents put me into hockey because that really was a way for me to learn.

So recognize if you're on this constant emotional roller coaster with the person in your lifetime that you're dealing with throughout your lifetime, is that the only relationship did you have roller coaster relationships with? If it is, it's probably them. But if everybody you deal with, you say, oh my gosh, everybody I deal with are just a mess, it may not be be them. I, I remember the story of Zig Ziglar, who told the story about his secretary or assistant, told him that there's a lady that wants to meet him after the.

After his talk. And so he said, okay. And he says, she's got a real problem. She's really struggling. She really needs to talk to you. So after he finished his talk, he says he went backstage and he says he immediately spotted her. He knew exactly who it was. He says, you could see it all over her. And he says, when I talked to her, she was like, you know, everything's a mess. I hate the place I work. Everybody that I work with or idiots, they don't know what they're doing. And so he says, okay. She go. He says, what do you like about your job? She goes, absolutely nothing. And he goes, nothing? You can't find any positive in your. In your. In your job? She goes, no. He goes, okay, so let me ask you a couple questions. He says, do you get paid at this job? She goes, well, of course I get paid. And he goes, and you like being paid, right? She goes, well, yeah, of course I like being paid. So he says, so that's one benefit. Something you do like. She goes, okay, okay. And then he says, do you work seven days a week, or did they give you the weekends off? Well, no, they gave me the weekends off, right? So, you know, but everybody gets the weekends off. And he went through a list of the different things. And the point of the story is to sort of say, sometimes you need to look at the situation. There may be some benefits to it, but you just can't see them because the relationship has become toxic. And so if you can find sort of those positives in that relationship, that may be something to use to build from. So I'll give you an example. I had a lady, and she.

Her.

Her mom was super negative all the time, always negative. And she says, I just get so stressed out with my mom. And she says, it's very, very frustrating. So she gave me an example. This is during COVID She says, my sister and my mom and I go and play tennis every week. We take a lesson and we play. And she says, so I get to the lesson, and she says, and I told my mom that I have to get our daughter vaccinated. And so anyway, she's like, no, no, no, you can't do that. Going all the negatives about the. The vaccine, and you can't do that. She's going, mom, I have to. They won't let her in school. I have to take her. So her mom starts pulling up videos, right, of all the pitfalls of vaccines and what you need to do. And she says. So she asked me, goes, those are the kinds of situations I get into. She says, how do I deal with that? I can't get rid of my mom, right? I can't walk away from the relationship. I'm in this relationship, and that's a really common thing. I hear a lot of times people say, well, it sounds great, you know, to make some tough decisions in a relationship, but how do I deal with that? I see her all the time. And I said, so what you need to do is. And this is the way I sort of explained it to her. I says, if you wake up in the morning and you have 100% of your energy available, I said, you have three children, right? She goes, yeah. And I said, make a decision. When you get up a day, you're going to be dealing with your mom. How much of that hundred percent are you going to give her? You have to give her some. But are you going to give her 50% of that energy? You're going to give her 10% of that energy? You're going to give it all? She said, well, I don't want to give it all. And I said, so make that decision ahead of time that how much? Because whatever you give her, you don't have available for your children. And so that really hit a mark for her because it was like, okay, now she had, right, an incentive on how to make this change. She just sort of got stuck and couldn't see a change. She's okay, so what do I do from there? And I said, you need to be able to break the conversation that's going negative. Drive a wedge and turn it in another direction. And I says, you have to practice this and you'll be able to do it. And I said, so? She says, give me an example. So I said, okay. So your mom sits down, she starts pulling out these videos of all the dangers, right? Here's the way you say it. Mom, thank you so much for loving our daughter. I know how much you care and you love her. She says, however, right? I really just want to enjoy playing tennis and enjoying the time together with you and my sister. Can we just go play tennis now?

So you're not criticizing your mom because she would take offense to it if you said, mom, stop it, Knock it off. I don't want to hear this anymore. Or you just sit there and keep taking it. You're not taking any kind of action. So see the positive in it, because there is a positive. Her mom loves her little girl. How great is that? Right? The approach she's taking may not be the best approach, but you can drive a wedge in it. Acknowledge that the mother is doing something good, but at the same time, change the direction by just saying, would it be okay just to go and play tennis? This is a great day for me to be able to just enjoy the day, right? This is my relaxation. And that way you're not giving all of your energy where before, what she said, I would have done and just sat there. I would have gotten all frustrated and it will ruin my night. So she says, well, what happens if my mother says she doesn't want to do that? I says, you have to insist on it. This is where you need to show the strength. You have to turn around and say, mom, I know, I get it. Thank you again. Compliment her. Thank you so much. I love that you care. Right. But this is my time to just enjoy and relax. I'm getting away from the children for a little bit. I want to enjoy the time with you and our sister or my sister. And so she started to employ that kind of thing. But you have to figure out how to put that wedge in there. And that's what I mean is if the. If the conversation is coming at you, how do you deflect it? Again, I use sports all the time. Right. If you're constantly getting hit. Right. Are you just going to take the hits? You're just not going to try to get out of the way. Right. Get out of the way. Turn, pivot, make some. So come up with a plan ahead of time. If you try to do it on the fly, it's very difficult. So practice in your mind some things that you can use that could become these wedges. You know your mom really well. Figure out the things that will make her positive about this relationship. Positive about some of the things. Right. You can even say things like, oh, that's a great idea. Send me that link. I'll take a look at it later. Right. And don't spend too much time. Don't sit in it. Because the longer you sit in it, the more frustrated you're going to get and the more the situation becomes toxic. And so it's the same thing in any relationship. It could be the same thing with a spouse. It could be the same thing with a friend. Right. We've all had those friends that are just constantly negative. Right. Anybody have those?

Right.

I know a lot of them. Right. And they're constantly negative. So that's a big part, Right. Of being able to learn how to recognize, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to be able to make some changes to it? And it took me a while, too, to sort of learn this. I really learned more about this as I really developed this program. But before, I used to have those people that would just try to pull you down. So what I found, and this was the. I don't know why I did it. I just. I think I naturally did it growing up as A child. I didn't have a ton of friends. I had a ton of people who knew me. I had a ton of people that I played sports with, I went to. So I had my hockey friends, I had my school friends, I had my tennis friends, and I never mixed them.

So my hockey guys never showed up at my tennis matches. My tennis people never showed up at my hockey games. I kept them all separate, and I limited the amount of time that I would spend with them. So a lot of my hockey friends wanted to, oh, you know, we're going to have a party on Friday night. You're going to come to the party? No, I'm really busy. I got this, I got that. I just wasn't a partier. I didn't really like to party because I didn't drink either. So. But they were always sort of encouraging me. But I always had an idea of how I would make the changes. So I had my pattern ahead of time, so I knew what to say. So it didn't sound like it was.

Just coming off the top of my head. It sounded like, oh, yeah, I've got this going on. Because I knew, for example, I would know that there's going to be a party on Friday night. What am I going to say, right? Because I don't really want to go to the party. So I already have something, you know, oh, my parents are going to this, and I need to attend this with them or whatever it was. And then they just sort of accepted it. My dad, I remember him telling me the story of how my dad was in the Navy. My dad didn't drink. And one of the jobs he had was being a bartender. Now, he said, the problem with being a bartender and not drinking is you insult everybody very quickly, he says, because these guys would be drinking, and then they would say to me, let me buy you a beer, right? Put it on my tab. He says if I said no, they would get upset. They would be like, what's wrong with you? Why are you saying no to me? He says, so what I did is, he says, I took a glass, I poured half a beer, and he says, and I put it on the back shelf. He says, and then when they would say, let me buy you a beer, he says, I would say, oh, I still got this one. When I finish this one, then maybe you can buy me a beer. He goes, and they were happy, and then they'd forget all about it, that they'd even offered to buy the beer. But he says that was the deflection, right? That he could use and he didn't hurt their feelings. So the idea is, if you have these kinds of relationships, is it worth saving? So there may be some drawbacks in the relationship, things that you don't like about the relationship, but because you don't like one thing doesn't mean you or you don't like one thing doesn't mean you don't like everything. So they could be the type of person you want in your life, but you don't like one of the features of the relationship. You don't ruin the relationship by attacking the thing you don't like. You figure out how to pivot and work around it. So I hope that makes some sense. But that was. Again, I learned all of this stuff from my parents. They were just. My dad was brilliant in the way he would do things, and that was the way that he would get around things. And so I learned that about. Because obviously a lot of my friends, when I'd go out and if I did go out, they wanted to drink and I couldn't. So the other thing I learned is never order first. Because as soon as I would say, I'm going to have this, and they go, oh, aren't you going to have a drink? As soon as I turned around and said, well, no, I don't drink, this is what I would get. Oh, oh, well, I really don't drink. Like, I drink very rarely. Like, I hardly ever drink. Like, I don't even think I'll drink tonight. I would ruin the day for them. And I'm not trying to. I could care less if they drank. It didn't bother me that they would drink. That's their choice. They can do whatever they want. I wasn't for or against it. I just didn't want to. And so that was sort of, again, figure out ways to work around it, and then nobody gets offended. So, you know, back to looking at some things that could have an effect on you. Look for those relationships where it's a roller coaster. Those are difficult relationships because you don't know what to expect. You don't know who you're going to meet today. I find those very, very difficult. Those are people that have got a lot of stuff going on in their lives and may not be. So you can still keep them as a friend, limit it, how many times you're going to see them so you don't get rid of the relationship. It may be circumstantial in their lives, what they're dealing with, or it could be something permanent perhaps. Right. But at the Same time roller coaster relationships are not healthy. So every once in a while they can have a thing going on, and that's what a friend's for, is to help them out. But if it's a constant roller coaster, right, look out.

The other thing is emotional manipulation, where they're trying to manipulate you to doing what they want to do. So if you feel like you're being manipulated, right, that's not a good situation. And so recognize those kinds of situations. And when they show up, so that's a sign that the relationship is becoming or is already toxic because they're trying to get control. Which also leads to another particular kind of trait, is when there's a power imbalance. Are you in a relationship where. Where every time you're going to go out with somebody, they say, oh, we're going to go to this restaurant. You go, oh, I really don't like that restaurant. Oh, you'll find something you'll like there. Just trust me, you'll like it. Right? And we'll find something that power and balance, again, depending on how severe it is. If it's just a restaurant, right, the person, like, go out to dinner with me, you're probably going to be going to the same types of restaurants because I eat the same kind of things all the time. So that's not necessarily a power imbalance. It's just if you, if you want to hang out with me, there's very limited options on what you're going to eat. And. But I don't do that in everything. It's just the way I. I tend to eat. So. But look for that power imbalance, because again, that's another sign that they're always using their power over you. And the fact that you don't stand up right for yourself may be coming from your own situation that you've been dealing with in your life. It could be coming from your trauma, your emotional concussions, where you never had a voice. So that's where those kinds of things will come in. If you never had a voice and the person sort of dominated you, you know, a parent, a spouse, or whatever it is. That's where that's coming from. Another thing to look for. So, Maya, you have a question?

We. Yes.

Oh, I can't hear you. You're muted.

Can you hear me now?

Nope.

I can hear you. Maybe he.

Maybe Dr. Wood has.

Has a setting on differently or something.

Yeah, I can hear you too.

Hmm.

Okay, Doc, you still can't hear me. Remove the headset.

Oh, now I can. All right. Now I Can hear you.

Oh, there you go.

There you go.

Awesome. Thank you, everyone. I was about to disconnect my headphones. Like, what's happening? So we got two questions that are basically the same. And that is, what? When we are in an environment that we recognize as toxic, but we cannot limit our exposure to them, how do we protect ourselves? Do we try to lower the expectations and accept that they're going to be difficult? Is there ways that we can protect ourselves by creating different routines or just kind of isolating ourselves within that relationship? How would we go about that?

Sort of similar to what I talked about with the young lady and her mom, right? She can't get out of meeting her mom. Her mom's a part of her life. Her mom's a part of their grandchildren's lives. So what you have to do is you really have to limit it if you can, or drive the wedge. So the limiting may be, okay, I have to deal with my mom, but I'm going to keep it to here's the schedule for mom, or here's the schedule for that person. So the relationship's important. If the relationship is important to you, sometimes you just have to take the good with the bad and you're not going to change them, you're not going to make them different. Their question is, how much can you take what is your tolerance and be accepting of that. So if you don't have a plan, everything will bother you if you say, okay, I'm going to keep this to one day a week. I'm going to keep this to a two hour, one day a week that I'll meet with them. And so you only take so much of it because you can't get out of it. But just accept how much you're going to take and be willing to accept it because you still love them, you still care for them, but at the same time, it's very difficult. So you're not going to change them, chances are. Right. So don't think that you're going to make them different. Right. The difference comes in you being able to change and accept it. Right. Don't try to make them different, just your tolerance of it.

We're changing what we can control, right?

Absolutely. And so limit it a lot of times. So I've got a guy that, he's a good friend. I've known him for a long time, but he was constantly negative, constantly. So I just limit my time with him. I just don't spend as much. I don't allow him to go on and on and on and on and on. So what I do now is, I'm saying, so he'll send me a message, you know, oh, you're available to talk, right? And I say, oh, I'm driving into the office, I've got to be at the office by 9 o'. Clock. Give me a call when I'm in the car between 8:30 and 9.

And then when I get to the office, I say, gotta run, gotta jump to get into the office now. So I have my escape, right? I have, I have my plans, right? And work your plan, it really makes a huge difference. And then he doesn't feel bad, doesn't feel insulted. He just goes, oh, okay, yeah, yeah, I'm sorry. And I'm still sometimes sitting in the car going, gotta go, gotta go. I'm gonna be late for this meeting. I don't want to be late for the meeting, right? And then I get out. But I have a plan where before what I would do is I'd get on the call and if I didn't have the plan ahead of time, it would be a two hour conversation.

So schedule it.

Regarding the plan, we got a question. It's interesting. It says, what's your take? How would you deal with people who like to pry into your personal and private life? You know, the romantic relationships, income. Like how would you politely build a plan that puts a limit?

This same guy I'm gonna tell you about, it would drive me, he'd come to my house, I'm not kidding, this is not exaggeration, right? And I would have like, it was, just give me think of an example. We have a new kettle. Oh, you got a new kettle. And I'm like, what? Like, how did you see a new kettle in my house, right? He was always scanning, looking for stuff. And he would keep mentioning it, right? And it would, in the beginning, I'm telling you, it would drive me nuts because he'd come in and constantly, I had another friend, same kind of thing, I'm not kidding you. He'd go over and stand by my phone where it had all the notes and be reading my notes from the phone, right? And so I could say something to him and insult them or get mad at him or, or what's the best way to deal with that? When he came over, I made sure those notes weren't sitting there. I just took him away. So I know he's going to do that, right? The guy that would always want to point out new things. What I decided to do was beat him to it. Hey, I got A new kettle. It's great. And it didn't bother me. It would bother me that he would bring it up. But if I could point it out. Right. I sort of took the sting out of it. And I don't know why, but it was just sort of that kind of prying that I get it. Because it is frustrated. They want to know everything. They want to know every detail. Right. Again, there's a kind of thing, Right. That you have to have a plan for the best way to deal with these things. If they're people that you want to have in your life, have a structure to how you're going to do it. And that's not being manipulative. It's really being protective of you. Okay. Yes. So that guy doesn't come over as often because, you know, that's what he'll do. And he would do do those things and drive Bridget out of her mind because he'd be pointing out Newton, she'd be like, where is he? He goes in the bathroom. Is he looking in the cupboards? Like, what's he doing? So, yeah, you just so basically have.

A plan for the trying situations. I had an aunt whose favorite question was, how much do you earn? So my plan was, I wish. I would love to tell you, but I signed an NDA.

There you go. Good job. See, you had a plan and it worked. Yeah. So that's the key. So these are people that you love and you care for. Right. So you just have to figure out how not to hurt their feelings and at the same time, how. Have a legitimate excuse as to why you're not going to participate in that. Very simple. Right. And it took the stress out for you because you. What's the number one fear for the human mind? Uncertainty. So now I've got this guy coming over. I know he's going to pry. He's going to look at all these different things. So what did I do? I took the uncertainty out of it.

Right.

If there was something I didn't want to mask and I put it away. I didn't put the notes out. I made sure that the notes weren't there, that he couldn't look at them and start asking me questions. I mean, this guy, no kidding, he would look at it and go, oh. And then he wouldn't say anything. He. I could tell he'd read the notes and then he'd turn around and he'd say, oh, you know, if you heard from Bob lately, he saw a note from Bob. I mean, that's how prying he would get. And so that's kind of stuff that. How do you avoid it? I like the guy. We were good friends, we played hockey together, but he was just nosy and it was in his character, but I still liked him. So I just worked around it.

So, okay, so back to power imbalance, right? That's actually, you know, you want to deal with that as well. Here's a real big one. Lack of empathy. Do you have those people? And then you start saying, you know, you know, I was just dealing with this person and this was happening in my life. And they go, yeah, yeah, yeah, well, guess, yeah, here's what happened in my life. And they have no empathy for you, right? Like they're not listening to you at all. They don't really have any empathy about what you're dealing with. They. That's again, coming from their atmospheric conditions. It's maybe their way, if you remember what we talked about with atmospheric conditions, we don't have to be okay with what they're doing. We don't have to accept it and say, okay, that's all right, I'm going to cut them a pass. We just need to understand that they couldn't be any different. The person who has no empathy is probably somebody who never was heard, never got their voice out. And so this is their sort of protection. They don't want to take it on. Right. Because nobody ever paid attention to them, nobody ever listened to them. So there could be a number of different reasons, but that could be one of them. So if you understand that. That this person is just not empathetic, right. Look at it and say, what's the positive in this relationship? Is there something I am getting from this relationship that I can accept?

So is it 80% negative, 20% positive may not be the best relationship, but if it's a 50, 50, then maybe you could deal with it. Okay, I don't get. So I'm not going to bring this person the issues or talk to this person about issues that I'm looking for any kind of empathy from.

So what is. Every relationship doesn't have to be complete. I think that's a big thing, right. Some people are really good for this side. Some people are really good at this side. Right. And so don't judge the relationship on the thing that you want from that person as being that relationship is not positive. They could provide many other things to you. But if you sing and so remember that the human mind tends to go to the negative bias. So what are you going to do? You're going to say, this person doesn't, you know, has no empathy, right? But they do so many other things for you in your life. But what do you focus on? Their lack of empathy. And so that's just not what they're good at, right? So it's like having an employee, right? The person's not. You ask them, oh, can you go and do this? You know, can you work in these spreadsheets? And they don't do a very good job, right? But they do everything else really well. Well, you don't fire them because they can't do spreadsheets.

Right? So those are the kinds of things you're looking for. The other one is constant negativity. That's a tough one for me. I really have difficulty with that constant negativity. And if that's, if there's a one relationship that I struggle with, it's that because it's like, it's a non stop barrage, right? Of negative. And I'm positive, so I'm always trying to be positive. So if you took, you took 99 people in a room that are all positive and you bring in that negative person, they will change the environment in that room. Negativity is very powerful. You know, it's like, why do we drive by a car crash and have to slow down?

It's that same kind of thing, right? That gossip, that negativity is very easy to fall into. So also notice if you're falling into it. And, and that's what would happen sometimes with relationships. I, I have one guy that was like always negative all the time. And I had to be careful, right? Because I would just listen to it constantly. That will kill me, that will drain me. And so people will say, well, how do you do what you do? Because there's a lot of negativity, right? And what I do, people are bringing in all of their.

Traumas and the things that they're dealing with. You know how I'm able to deal with that? Because I know we can fix it. That's temporary. That's just situations they've experienced in their life. And we know that. We can address that. But the person who's constantly negative.

If you don't have that ability to see any changes in that, be careful you don't get sucked into it, into that negativity. It may not be a good. For me, it's not a good type of relationship. So I would tend to avoid the negative people.

The other one is question from hand up, actually. So.

I think it's Aisha. I'm not gonna butcher this pronunciation. So.

I'm just gonna let her join in.

All right?

Hi, it's. Sorry about my voice. It's pronounced Aisha.

And don't worry about it. You were very close.

So my question is more about.

Stress having a negative effect on your life for situations, stressful situations that you can't avoid. And I'm going to give you the example in my mind as that I have young children, and at times our household is really stressful because let's say they had a stressful day. They come home, they want to decharge. Obviously, this is their safe space. I had a really stressful day at work, let's say, and I'm doing my best to cope, but there comes a time before they go to bed that I'm. Everything is negative. Everybody is whining, everybody is upset. And that's rubbing off of me as I'm trying to say, you know, I'm safe, everything is fine. They're just, you know, tired. Whatever it. I have, at times, I have a hard time stopping myself from becoming negative and joining the bandwagon with them. What is your advice there?

Oh, great question.

So because you're the mom, right, you're in charge, so you're absorbing all of that. You're not. What I talked about before is getting those wedges in there. So teach them to find the positive in the day. So if they come in and they've got a lot of negative, right, then say, tell me something positive that happened today. Can you find a positive in the day? So it's getting them to start seeing the positive because, like I said, we are negatively biased, right? That's just sort of a natural way so you can become the person that can start to teach them to see the positive. And so there had to be something like the story I told about Zig Ziglar, right? All this woman can't see anything except her business is terrible. Everybody's useless. Nobody knows what they're doing. She's the only one who knows what's going on. So she's now bringing that negativity to her environment. So he then starts to try to explain, you know, and understand, is there something that was good about your job? And he started to try to point out the positives. So if your child is coming home and they've had. So obviously you have to listen to them. If it's something that's. That's serious. But at the same time, if they feel safe and loved and you're. And you can make the changes and Starting to have them see something that happened today, right? So give me something that was good today. I. I'm listening to you and I'm hearing you because you want to make sure they understand that you're there and you're listening and you're hearing them. So can you tell me something that you had a good time with today, something that positive, and then start having them just talk about things that were positive in their day.

So.

I think it's just the story. I don't know, some people have probably heard the story that I talk about. It's the story of Sully Sullenberg, the pilot who landed the plane in the Hudson River. If you've ever heard, there's a movie about him called Sully. So it's a true story. He was a Delta pilot. On takeoff, a whole flock of birds hit both engines, hit the engines and stalled out the engines. And so he radioed back, if you haven't seen this movie, you should watch the movie. But he radioed back, said, we need to have an emergency landing, come back to the airport. The air traffic controller said, there's no way you can come back to this airport. We've never cleared the air traffic. You need to go to this airport. And he said, well, I'll never make that airport. And they said, well, you have to, you have to go to that airport. You can't turn around. And so what he did is he decided, I'm not going to make any airport. I've got to put this plane down in the river without sinking it. So you'd imagine the skill level that it took. He's a 42 year pilot and so he landed the plane right in the river. No, the plane didn't crash. It was just sitting floating on the river. But you know what? And this is what I tell the story about. You know what was the most remarkable part about the story was not him landing the plane on the river. I've talked to pilots who said they didn't know that that was possible. What everybody talked about afterwards was how calm he was.

So when he communicated with his crew what he was going to do and then communicated with the passengers, everybody felt safer. And so now he doesn't have to worry about them. He only has to focus on landing the plane. And everybody resonated. So you as the mom, have to be Sully, just land the plane, right? Figure out a way, right, to change the negativity that's going around to look for some positive in the day. And they're going to pick up if you just keep absorbing it, you're not figuring out how to pivot it. So focus on a way to pivot it. You can even say something. Listen, I had a really stressful day, too, but let me tell you what happened that was so good about my day. Can you tell me something that happened in your day like that? Does that make some sense?

Yep, totally. Yeah, I have. I have to think more like that, too, to find, you know, the better. I mean, obviously, most of my days aren't as stressful, but when it goes bad, it goes bad. You have to take a step back and say, what was nice? What was one thing that was positive? And that will add up. I often try to change their way of thinking by asking, like, what'd you do at recess? Would you play with and whatnot? And sometimes that works. It depends on how tired they are, I guess.

But.

Okay.

Yeah, but. But that's the key. Keep. Make that the pattern, right? So don't fall into the constant taking in all of this negativity. Try to figure out. And you may have to share some of your positive. You'll eventually change the conversation, and you'll change the way they come home thinking. So they could come home saying, oh, my gosh, this one. Now, if they really do have a seriously got bullied at school that day, you want to take that seriously and really listen, right? But at the same time, if there's something. If some of these stories are more like, you know, my, you know, nothing worked today. My backpack, you know, fell apart, and my book spilled all over the place. You just sort of go, okay, you know, and find something funny to talk about. Just say, I bet you that looked hysterical to everybody else. Probably didn't look funny to you. But, you know, I could think that would be funny at times. Like, find ways to get them laughing. Right? If you can. My dad was so good at this. He had humor all the time. Humor is the best way, right. To change the attitude. So come up with things. My dad had really corny jokes, and so we just knew him was all these corny jokes, but he would do them all the time. And so that's another way. Humor is a great tool to change the way people are feeling. So try that. But you're sully, right?

Thank you. I'm gonna watch that movie.

Watch that movie. But again, it's the key is they're gonna resonate off of you. So if they're throwing this stuff on you and you're absorbing it, they're going, it's gonna resonate with them, and then they're going to fall into it. So you have to be the leader. You have to see the positive. Something in the day or something is going to happen. So they could turn around, they could be saying all this stuff and just say, that's why we take vacations.

So I can't wait. So that we can just go on this vacation and all of that stuff will seem like nothing in a few days or a month or two months, whatever it is. Start focusing on that.

And I see I, as a mom of two young kids, I very well can empathize with the evening chaos that happens. And I think that one of the concepts that I adopted working with Dr. With going through the program that really changed my view is gratitude and practicing that muscle of, okay, everything looks horrible, but what can we be grateful for? Was a game changer for my family, for my. Me and my husband, for our kids, because it's really hard to get them out of that whiny moment and then get myself calm. And I keep repeating, like you said, I'm safe, we're not in danger. This is all I can handle. This, like, shifting the concept of, like, what is the one thing we can be grateful for? Just one. And immediately remembering one helps you come up with another. Kids now join. Well, Luca, he's four. The younger one is too little, but he'll find things like, they're usually silly. He's grateful for whales and chocolate and things like that. But it works. It shifts the mentality.

I'll give you another great. Oh, go ahead, Aisha.

No, that's. That's a great example. Mine are. Mine are nine and seven. So, like, their problems at school are not anything serious, you know, oh, I was playing soccer and they didn't pass to me or, you know, I wanted to do this at recess and my friend didn't want.

It's.

They're silly things. They're not. I mean, for them, it's serious and I get it and I listen and I make sure that they are aware that I'm listening and we try to find a solution. And what else was positive at school? But I.

It's.

It's a. Yeah, it's. It's a good idea to try to make them contribute into finding something positive in the moment so that they get to think about it.

So I'm going to give you a great example. This weekend, I work with professional golfers as well. But on this weekend, on Sunday, I was out with a. He's an amateur golfer. He's a High school golfer, but he's super talented. He's got a great chance to become professional. And so I just go out and we play eight. I don't play. I just ride with them. And I go over. And one of the things that I do that I work with, even the professionals, and this is sort of a great example of life as well. And his parents were riding along with us, so I bring them in on all the things that I'm. I'm sharing with him. And I said, we have a whole new way of talking about golf. And I said, we're going to play 18 holes, nine holes on the front, nine holes on the back. I said, on the first nine holes, and I asked the parents to do this as well. As we're going around and playing, I want you to write down a collection of the best shots. And we're going to talk about at the end of nine holes, what were the five best shots that we had on those nine holes?

And so that's what we want to focus on. So we're playing the nine holes after three holes. I said, you got any candidates for the best shots for the nine holes? And we talk. We go, well, the drive on one, the chip on number three, right? So what is he focusing on for 18 holes? Coming up with his best shots. Did he have some bad shots during that round? Absolutely. I said, but on the ride home, I want you to compare. What did you think my five best shots on the front were? What did you think my five best shots? Here's the shots. If you played golf, if you're a golfer, every single golfer I've ever played with comes in afterwards and says, I can't believe I hit the ball in the water on that hole. I can't believe I missed that putt. Right? I could have shot a 75 had I not done this and not done that. That's what we tend to do when we play golf. That's what we do in life, right? So I said, we will never talk about bad shots again. We'll only talk about the best shots. The parents loved it. So one particular pro that I work with, I walked with him for 18 holes, him and his caddy, and he's a professional on the PGA Tour. And I said to him and the caddy, I said, all you talk about every single hole is whether or not we had a candidate for our five best shots. Because even the pros do it. Even the best in the world do it. And I said, forget about that. Only your best shots. And it makes a Huge difference. So we can apply that same thing to what are the best things that happened today? Oh, yeah, we had a few of those things. And if there's a real serious thing. Right. That they come up with from during the day, well, let's take that seriously. But if it's like you said, you know, nobody passed to me today or my friend, you know, didn't show up at recess and stuff like that, then just say so. Where did you go for recess? Oh, I hung out with so and so. Oh, how was that? Right. Did you make a new friend? Like, focus on where the positives are, and you'll see a shift in the way your home operates. It's. It's amazing. So if professional golfers can do it. Right. You can do it in your house. Right.

Does that help?

Yes, definitely. Thank you. Very good. We'll work on that.

Yep. And then you have to work on it. You actually have to do it.

This whole thing is, like, since I've taken the course, it's been constant work, and I. I feel like the first few weeks I was on top of it a lot more, and then I kind of started slipping back and not using it as much, and then I caught myself doing that. So I'm, you know, making it. Making sure that I'm more on top of it. Because you have to change the habits.

Yep.

The whole thing to change. And that. That's the hardest thing to do, is to change habits in our lives.

Well, those are codes. So you've built up a code. Your mind doesn't want to switch the code unless you have a better code. So the way to have a better code is to start changing the way you're going to write codes.

Yeah.

And those. That's what the audio. So we keep emphasizing, everybody listen to the audios, because the audios are all focused on change. What would you like to change? And that's what the questions are for. You know, all of a sudden you think back. Like, for example, one of the questions could be, what was your favorite birthday? What memory do you remember about a positive birthday? And then you start realizing, you know what? I don't have those kind of birthdays anymore. Why am I not doing that again? Right. Yeah, I should be doing that. That's something that I'd love to do. How do you get out of that? So focusing on what are positive in your life. And the reason I use that for the golf is it's such a huge advantage to. If you can learn how to do that. And everybody's gone through the program. So I'm working with him. He's doing his symbol, statement and anchor. As we're going around, I'm reinforcing that. And he says that definitely made a huge difference. He used to get really down on himself when he'd make a bad shot. And he says, now I find I can reset so quickly, I don't get upset when I have a shot that doesn't work. Now we're taking it to the next level. Okay, so you're going to have some bad shots, right? Yes. What are you going to do about it? Right. You're going to focus on your good shots because we tend to have the negative bias. And then we start thinking about the shot that didn't go well. And so now you're playing on the third hole and you're thinking about the shot that didn't go well on the first hole. Are you present? No, you're not present. And so then that's going to pull you down that hole, that rabbit hole. So the more you practice it, trust me, you'll change the culture in your home.

And that's what you want to do. Yep.

Awesome. And we're have a few more minutes. I want to make sure we respond to all questions. Then we have another hand in the air. Rita has a question.

Yes.

Hi.

Hi, everyone. This has been really helpful. I'm on the west coast and I got in a little bit late this. But I also submitted a question earlier and basically my daughter and I both are on this program, but she has completely fallen off and she. I hope she listens to this recording. She has several issues she's grappling with and she has gone completely negative. And we're having a super.

Difficult, extremely difficult time now. She's reacting to what she thinks. We have a lot of mold here. We're in a very dry area. But she gets very hyper vigilant about this stuff. And she just said the program never resonated with her and all that. So I'm. I'm not sure how to approach her at this moment.

She.

She may need to. I think number one is to make sure that you're benefiting from it because she will pick up off of that. And if you remember one of the questions we asked, is it okay for you to be okay? Because if you're okay. Right. Chances are she can be better. So focus on you right now. Right. Be supportive of her. But make sure that you're following everything in the program because you will come out with the results. And it's not just as you know, the four hours are sort of resetting the explicit memory system. The audios are designed to work on the procedural. So the procedural sounds like what she's done is she's still stuck on the codes, the loop.

The habits and behaviors. So she's seeing the negative. So it's the same thing. We're just talking with Aisha is that you become the leader and show her the way, because she's going to be watching you and seeing how you respond. So totally focus on you right now. Get everything you need done, done. Right. And then you can lead her. It's very hard to lead her right. If she's not feeling it and you're not. So you love your daughter, obviously, and you want her to be there, but you have to be there, too.

Okay. I think I'm pretty good there. I'm doing the program. I'm. I'm on my second round with the audios.

And I'm. I feel. I am staying fairly positive. I feel like the bottom concern here is she doesn't feel safe around me, which is primary key.

That's the key. And that's why I'm saying work on you. Make the safe environment, and then she'll be able to start absorbing it.

Okay.

It's a big one.

That's all I'm saying.

But you can get there. Right? But she's. She's going to follow you. Right. If you do it again, I use this. The story of Sully. Right? Be Sully. Like, so the passenger could be in the back screaming and yelling, oh, my God, we're gonna die. We're gonna die. Right. And you're just turning around saying, I got it. I got this.

And then she'll start to feel safe.

Okay. Thank you.

Good. All right. You're welcome. Anything else? We got Maya, or we have questions.

Wiser at the ending. So just kind of like to recap, basically, after you recognize the environment. Doc, there's three things we can do. Right. Minimize it.

Yep. So the idea is. Yeah, you want to.

Sometimes you may just have to accept you have to walk out, may have to leave the relationship. Right. That's not a bad. It's almost like. Think about. If you use as an employer. Right. A lot of us are employers. You can never fire anybody too early. Right. You can generally fire them too late. So think of your health. If it's your health that's going to be affected right now, if you can. Not all relationships you can do that with. So if you can't leave a relationship or you can't get out of it. Right. Then figure out ways to improve it. You don't have to improve it and totally fix it. You just need to make adjustments where adjustments are possible. Right. But start looking for. This is where I say start focusing on, is there something I can do to make a change in this? Is there something that. But you have to probably be the person to make that change. Don't expect them to figure it out because they're not. So you make the improvements. Just as I was saying to Rita, you work on. You. Right. Work on the things that you can improve on and then see what you can then improve in the relationship. So improvement is one thing, if you can do it, and then the next thing is just to minimize it. Like I talked about with the mom and her daughter, right? Minimize it. Keep the relationship, if it's got some positive, but keep it to a minimum so that you still get some benefit, but you're not going to be totally absorbed in it.

Sound good?

What was the third one? What was the third one?

Minimize. The time that you spend in that relationship.

Improve. Minimize. And I'm missing one and leave.

The other one is to walk away. Now, you can't always do that one. Right?

That's always the third option.

That's the third option. And you know what? There's nothing wrong with that. Right. I've had. I've had people in my life that I've just had to walk away from, and that's okay because I'm not going to get sick. I'm not going to take myself down right. With that because they're doing it. So if you do do that, it's hard to do, but if you don't do it right, you're going to pay the price. It'll show up in your life somewhere. It's going to affect other relationships in your life. It's going to have, you know, all kinds of consequences to it. So you may have to make. And it's a hard decision, but sometimes.

You got to make tough decisions, right? You pick your heart. Doing something is hard. Not doing something is also very hard.

Yeah. And like I said, I can see all kinds of examples in my life where there were, you know, times that I had to make tough decisions. And. And you do, but you benefit from them. And. But don't be afraid to make hard, hard calls. Right. And this program, if nothing else with this program has done, has allowed you to get to your true self and find your center. Right? And so when you get to your center, right. That's who you are focused on. It's focused on you. Because if you're focused on what's in your best interest, all your other relationships improve.

Because you're in charge.

We're in charge. I like that.

Yep.

Okay. 115. I want to be respectful of everyone's times, but if you guys have any additional questions, we're here for you.

Very cool. Oh, one last really quick thing I just want to share with you because this is something that I learned, I thought was very positive is, you know, a relationship is over when you know there's contempt in the relationship, because that's not going to fix. Once you get. When the relationship gets down that deep. Right. That flawed, that the other person shows contempt towards you or you feel contempt towards them, there's not really a chance of that coming back. That's probably the end of the relationship. But you need to recognize it. The other thing that I got some advice on, I thought this was such good advice. I think I was probably not even 30 years old, but I had a very wise person tell me, you're going to have a lot of people in your life. There's going to be a lot of people that are positive, a lot of people that are negative. He says the key is to learn the key, the difference between people who are jealous of you and people who are envious of you. He says the jealous people will try to take you down. The envious people will try to replicate what you do. They'll try to be more like you. They're envious, but they're not destructive. Jealous people are destructive. They will try to take what you have, knock you down. The envious people will admire you. Right. They may want to do what you. What you're trying to do, but they're not going to be destructive. And I'll end with this last one, which I thought was really good, is Tommy Lasorda, who's a famous baseball coach. Some of the people may not mind. You probably have never heard of him, right? Nobody knows Tommy Lasorda in Montenegro, but Tommy Lasorda was a very famous baseball coach, and he may. He not only play in the major leagues, he coached in the major leagues for years and years and years. And somebody said to him, he said, what's the secret for you to have managed this long in the major leagues? And he says, and this is what he said, it's very simple. He says, you have to keep the people who hate you away from the people who haven't made up their mind yet.

That's the secret to lasting and management. So I just thought that was a really good. Good way to end this. I think Rita's got her hand up again. One more time. Yes.

Real quick. I. I really want to appreciate what you're saying. It's very helpful. I still feel a little unfinished about how to handle this situation with my daughter and the program. I mean, to me, I got the program for her because I wanted her to get rid of the basic trauma.

And that doesn't seem to be working. Can I get her back on it?

Yeah, I think we. I think we're talking about that. So I think they have a solution for you. I think Brandon and Maya were talking about that, so. Oh, yes.

Brandon will reach out with a solution.

Yeah. We just maybe need her to. To redo it.

Okay. Yes. Thank you so much.

Cool. Well, thank you, everybody.

If somebody has to drop off, drop off. No problem. Don't feel like you have to sit in. All right, so what's the question?

Good morning. When you brought up the part about, you know, a relationship is over when there is contempt, that really resonated with me.

What it's shown me is that there are relationships in my life, like, with some siblings and things like that, where there is contempt. So, like, what do you do if the relationship already has contempt and it's a family member and you can't.

Unfamily member them, you know?

Yeah. You can't fire them. Right. So limit it. Just don't absorb it. Just, again, coming down to an understanding that something may be going on in their life. Right. They may be dealing with their own set of atmospheric conditions, or the relationship just could be toxic. I'll give you an example. And this is my wife with her father. Right.

Her.

Her father was very abusive to everybody in their family. And when we got to the point that we had to, we cut them out of our lives.

My wife never talked to her father again. Now, that sounds really harsh. My wife is one of the most loving people you'll ever meet.

She.

And everybody said, oh, you need to forgive him. She couldn't get there. She got to the under. If you remember the atmospheric conditions. She got to the understanding that he couldn't have been any different. Right. But she also understood that it wasn't about her. It was about him and his pain. And so if she kept trying to stay in that relationship, he would have continued to hurt her. So she said, I'm going to focus on what I can focus on that's beneficial, which is my children and my family. And I'm not going to let him do that to them. And so that is a hard. And I said to her, I said, I'll work with you no matter which way you want to go. If you want to keep him in your life, I'll. I'll make that work. If you don't want to keep him in your life, I will also support you in that. And she just went, done.

Hard to do, but some. If she wanted to survive and have. Be the best mom, be the best wife, be the best friend to other people, she had to cut it out. It's cancer. We don't accept cancer. We just don't let cancer live in our lives.

And that's hard. But you may have to do it to make sure that you're there and available for the people you love and care for.

Thank you so much.

You're welcome.

And Kim, thank you for sharing in the chat. Kim said I no longer speak to my father and letting him go was the best decision ever.

Yep. It's hard, but boy, congratulations on doing it.

Me too. Very long time ago, actually, when I wasn't even 30. But it just had to be done. And I never regretted it.

No, because you have three children. You said two. Two. You have two children that need you.

Yeah. You can't let them drain you.

No, they will.

I add that you can still hope for the best for them.

Oh, yes. That's the whole idea. So that's what. What Bridget understood was she now understood that he was in pain and that created all his anger. What did it mean about her? Nothing. It wasn't about her. She wasn't doing so as a child. She wasn't doing anything right or wrong. Right. She was just living in his atmospheric conditions. But it hurt her and her family so much that she had to make the call as to what am I going to do about it? I'm going to take it out of my life because I don't want it in my life. I don't want that negativity in my life. So she got rid of it and I supported her. So, you know whoever is in your life. Right. That you need to talk to make sure that they support you on making those decisions. Because it was her decision, not mine. I would easily have cut them out. I had no problem cutting them out. That was like a no brainer for me. But I wanted to make sure that she was okay with it and that I would support her. Because that goes against what everybody tells you. Right? Oh, you just need to forgive them and then you're going to heal. The thing I've learned in my life, that's nonsense. If you can get to forgiveness and you can do that, congratulations, do it right. But when somebody says, oh, if you can't forgive them, you won't heal. Not true. You just need to understand, right. That they couldn't be any different, and that's what heals you.

Thank you. Going through this program has showed me that so many things people told me over the years really was just not effective. You know, 15, 20 years of therapy and going through this program has helped me more in 30 days, 45 days than all of that.

And I did. I really didn't realize the contempt was there because that particular side of my family, that is the norm. I. I can say that everyone on that side is. Is. Is toxic. And the ones that aren't toxic, toxic. They got out and no one can find them. So it's really crazy. I know that sounds extreme, but I. I feel. I just. I didn't know what to do. And when you said the word contempt, it was, like, echoing in my brain. Like, that's what is happening.

That's what it is. Yeah.

Like, I can literally feel my shoulders tensing up from the realization and, like, goosebumps. Like, that's what it is. And it's so clear.

So that's awesome. That's really good. And again. Right. That goes against what people will try to tell you you need to do. Right. But what I have learned. You don't want to have that. I had this amazing childhood with these amazing parents. That's what you need to be surrounded with. There's a lot of incredibly beautiful people that you can probably have in your life. You don't have to live with the pain. That doesn't make any sense. Life's too short. Enjoy your life. Right. Surround yourself with loving people that care about you and take care of you. Right. And nothing's perfect. You're going to have, like I said, take a relationship and say 80% is really good. I don't like that 20%, but I can live with the 20. Right. It's the old Ronald Reagan statement. He says, you're not going to agree with everything I do as a president. He says, but if you agree with 80% of what I say as a president, then I'm a good president. He says, but if you don't agree with anything I say, then I'm not your president. Right. It's the same thing with that. Right. So figure out what's good and what's bad. But. And then say, what's the balance I'm willing to live with? I'll live with an 80, 20. I'll even live with a 60, 40, but I won't live with a 20 80.

Wonderful. Well, I. I want to thank you all for coming. This, these, this joint growth we're all experiencing because we're sharing, because we're being vulnerable, and because we keep growing and learning from Doc is why we're all here. This is the beauty of the inspired circle, and we're so happy to have you in it.

Thank you so much, everybody.

Thank you.

Happy birthday, Doc.

Thank you. What a great way to celebrate my birthday.

Right?

We did get also a message from Hiram Davis, but she texted it just to me. But I have to share this. She says, best session ever. Thank you so much.

Awesome. Very cool.

You were appreciated on your birthday, which is great.

That is. That's why I said I love doing this kind of stuff. I love sharing with people. Well, enjoy and celebrate. Have fun and be well. I will. I'm going to go try to play golf. If a hurricane doesn't show up, maybe I'll have you.