Hug Yourself with Hilary Russo [Ep #17]

Welcome to my podcast, you Must Be out of youf Mind. My name is Dr. Don Wood. I use my knowledge of neuroscience to create what I call a memory reset. This reduces and eliminates the impact of trauma. I can't wait to share with you how the impossible is possible and why you must be out of your mind. Well, welcome everybody to another episode and podcast of youf Must Be out of youf mind. I'm Dr. Don Wood. And as you know, we always bring on these great guests that provide such amazing insight and it really ties into what we do. And my next guest is actually perfect for what we do. Then we're working and talking together about maybe doing some things together because I love what the message that she's conveying out there and it ties in with what we do. So I want to welcome Hilary Russo to the you must be out of your mind. Welcome, Hilary.

Thank you so much for having me. It's such a pleasure to be on the show.

Well, I was so excited when we got connected and we had a chance to talk. And I just love what you do. But rather than me try to tell everybody, why don't you explain it because you'll do a much better job.

Oh, well, thank you so much. Well, I am coach, so I am. I am the holistically speaking health coach. I love a good plan. Word. So I work in holistic health. I'm an innovative nutrition practitioner. I'm also a mental health practitioner and I focus predominantly in an area called Havening techniques. I'm one of the first 500 that is certified in this modality of only one of the first 500 in the world and first 150 in the country. There's only about 700 of us in the world. And what it is, it's a neuroscience based approach. Approach that uses touch and pleasant distraction to alter the landscape of the brain. Basically, we call it CPR for the amygdala because our brain loves to go to fight or flight. Right? We have to protect Amy. So the idea of what Havening is, is it's using touch to put the brain in what they call a delta wave state. And the delta waves are where the magic happens. We really don't get there unless we're in the sleep state. That's what delta waves are. And when that happens, it brings about a sense of calm. It releases the oxytocin, the serotonin, the dopamine, the gab in the brain so that we can make better decisions. And it's great for those everyday upsets to Deep rooted trauma. And as a trauma informed practitioner and also hypnotherapist, I use this in my practice regularly, which is really important to hold space for people when they're stuck, when they need to get to the root of the issue and things. Things. And using tools like Havening can be a self regulated tool as well that we put in their own hands.

So. So they can do it themselves as well. You train them to do it themselves.

Yeah. So it is both can be facilitated by a practitioner like myself. Because as you know, working in this field as well, it's never a good idea to deal with the deeper upsets the, the trauma. Work on your own. You should always be in a safe space. Feel that you have somebody who is trauma informed, trauma educated, works in that field that understands what it's like to hold space for you when you need it. But for the everyday things, for the, you know, being stuck in traffic, not being able to focus, test taking. I mean, I'm a college professor too. I use it with my students all the time. Or just the little irks that come up in the day that we have many. Right. We have thousands of thoughts a day and not all of them are positive. So when we have those feelings where we are not in the most positive space, being able to self regulate ourselves is really important. And that is the beauty of the modality and approach like Havening techniques. Because while it's neuroscience based, you have the tools in your own hands literally to be able to change your thoughts, moods, behaviors and habits.

I love that. So how long does it take? So if somebody wants to use it on their own, what would they be doing?

Well, sure, the ease of it, I mean it changes rapidly. This is an approach that actually has a rapid change with your brain and it can be in as little as minutes. I mean you could sit there in two minutes. I wake up every morning and do gratitude moments without fail. I don't look at my phone. You know, there's studies out by the Harvard Research, Harvard Research Review that says that two minutes of gratitude in the morning, before you touch your phone, before you read your emails, before you do anything. If you start your day with two minutes, you are 27% more likely to have a really good day six to eight hours later. So those two minutes are really important to me. I wake up and I do a little self havening in the morning. I just gently touch myself on my arms or my hands. It's almost like you're washing your hands or maybe going from your shoulders down to your Elbows in a gentle stroke or even on your face, because we have so many nerves on our face as well. Those are the three different havening touches. And when you pair that with something like a positive distraction or a pleasant distraction, which could be thinking of a really great vacation you had, or humming a tune, anything that brings you joy is a pleasant distraction. So when you're having a level of upset and you pair it with the havening touch and that distraction, that's where that little twist happens. And you're kind of telling your amygdala that loves to be in fight or flight, oh, I'm safe. I'm okay. Which is why we call it havening like a self, like a safe haven. And that's the term, right? Because think about it, Dr. Lynn. When you are. When you are in a place, when you have a child and a child falls and skins its knee, the first thing you do is you grab that child and you say, it's okay, everything's okay. The worst is over. Right? And that's basically what you're telling your amygdala. You're telling your amygdala, you're telling the brain the worst is over. You know, are those five to ten minutes of upsetting really meaning that the entire day is bad? Because we love to go into the fatalist approach, right? And this is a way of bringing yourself back and empowering yourself to change the trajectory of your brain, that neuroplasticity, and really change the brain waves to get into that habit of, oh, I can change the way I feel. You really do choose to choose, right?

Yep. And what's. What's interesting is, you know, a lot of people don't understand how quick you can do this, right? Because your system basically is operating in the present, right? So your subconscious is. Is now. So if you start to do those kinds of techniques, your mind is going to go, oh, I'm safe now. Perfect. It'll calm down.

And. And that's the beauty of any work we really do, is where we're. We're really learning to change the way we think is that the brain doesn't know if something's happening right now or later. The brain doesn't understand the landscape. If you go into freakout mode, the brain's thinking something's happening right now. So a perfect example is if you get into a fender bender, and the minute you pass that intersection again that you had that fender bender five years ago, your brain is going to think it's happening right now. Because what happens, you get clammy hands, your heart starts racing, your foot goes pedal to the metal because you're like, get me out of danger. And what Havening kind of does is it allows you to realize you're safe, you're okay. It's not happening right now. It's almost like that Jack in the box. Every time we see that jack in the box, right? And they're all the same, right? The minute the jack in the box and you turn that handle and it plays Pop Goes the Weasel, the minute it opens up, you kind of pop back because something's coming at you. Havening is kind of like the wire cutters that cuts that wire. And Jack's still in there, and Jack might still come out, but he's not coming out at you full throttle. So you have a minute to kind of think about things. And that's kind of what haven't been like, the wire cutters in that situation. Because, like, if something is a trauma, by definition, to be trauma encoded, it has to be an event that took place. There has to be a landscape to it, to the brain. There has to be a meaning that you put to it, and there has to be a feeling of inescapability. That's trauma encoding. So when you have those things present, you can honestly tell the brain, it's okay, you're okay, you're safe, the worst is over. Bring it back, bring it down. Find that sense of calm. And it can really be used for anything from, you know, like I said, the everyday upsets to stress, anxiety, feelings associated with depression, ptsd, chronic pain. I mean, I'm. I'm a survivor of a traumatic surgery from having tmj. And it is trauma lives in your body as you know, for as long as you allow it to. It's just how much you're going to let it be that volcano, right? And how much you're just going to have it be dormant and take it and have the control over it.

Yeah, we use something similar. So it's not. It's a different kind, but it's the same principle, right? We get the mind to recognize a particular symbol, statement and anchor as safety. And when you use that, the mind goes, well, I can't be in danger if I'm experiencing this now. And so it's made that association and connection to it. Yeah, calms down. And so it just. It just works.

And that's the beauty of what you're doing. And what I'm doing is that the more tools we have in the toolbox, the better there's that what might be right for somebody that you're supporting might be different for someone unsupporting. They might decide that they love both things that are in the toolbox. Because sometimes you need the hammer, sometimes you need the screwdriver. Right. Sometimes you need the support of Dr. Wood or Hilary Russo to help you hold up the shelf a little bit. So it's a level and that's I think, the beauty. Like I call it brain candy. It's the sweetest ways to be kind to your mind. And we have that ability to really pick out what we want from the brain candy jar and decide what we need in that moment.

Yeah, no, I like that. I love the terminology use. It's excellent. People get that, right? So it's.

Yeah, they do. Who doesn't love candy really?

Exactly. When we talk about. One of the things I wanted to bring up too is, you know, a lot of the studies are showing that after these school shootings that where most of the post traumatic stress seems to be coming from is when the children see their parents for the first time. Just like you were talking about, they're looking for hold me, I'm safe. And they see panic and fear and all of a sudden they realize the world's not safe. Even my parents don't feel safe right now. Yeah, they're trying to counsel parents that when you see your child you have to be. Not that you really want to be smiling in this situation, but you've got to appear friendly and safe for them to approach you and that calms their system down.

It's very similar to some of the work that I do with first responders or journalists. And you know, they are taught to be in a calm state. You're not going to be picked up in an ambulance with someone freaking out. They are very well aware of crisis intervent and the more tools they have. And that's. I mean I have a seminar coming up where I'm speaking about this that is sharing havening with them because what that's doing is giving them the tools like I said to. When they are in that crisis situation, whether it is somebody working as an EMT or a mom or dad to say the worst is over, you're safe, you're here now. And if our nervous system is leveled out and we're in a calm state, it's going to impact that person that is feeling the trauma or the upset in the moment. So you mentioned schools and. And this is actually an approach that we are putting in over 10,000 schools right now. That's part of a program that was created by one of the moms of Sandy Hook who lost her six year old, Scarlett Lewis. And she, she has the Choose Love movement and she's affiliated with us and I'm one of her brand ambassadors as well. Because if we're teaching kids how to self regulate, perhaps they will make different choices from those who have made really poor choices that have led to the, the loss of life of a number of children and adults.

Right. You know, yeah, I mean, yeah, that was fascinating. I wanted to talk a little bit more too. But you work with journalists.

I do.

Because you are one as well. So tell me a little bit about that because that's. Most people don't realize that the trauma that they do face, people think, you know, you don't go to war and you don't go to these accidents and all these things without. There's some residue that, that shows up in your life. So talk a little bit about what you've experienced or.

Yeah, I call it broadcast burnout. It's one of the programs that I do. And as a journalist, I mean I was a young journalist on air during 9 11. I had no tools to understand how to deal with that. Twenty years ago I was a young journalist. I'm witnessing this. It was secondary trauma for me because I wasn't in the trenches, I wasn't in New York. Even though I'm from New York. I was feeling the, the residual effects of watching all the news feeds, not knowing what's going on. But I've also been out on a lot of stories and a lot of things that I've seen that can really impact me as secondary trauma, some of it primary. And honestly, we have a moral injury in this, you know, where we've seen this happen so frequently, where a journalist or photojournalist, do they keep recording or do they put their camera down to help the person that's drowning in the car because the hurricane is hitting and they need to put their camera down to help that person. We saw that firsthand in a recent Floridian hurricane. Right. So these are the kind of things that I touch on with my journalists that I serve as a journalist. I'm still a journalist. I work in health and wellness. So I see a lot just focusing on that area. You know, from the opioid crisis to Covid to all the things that I've, I've been facing as a journalist recently, I still have to take a step back and protect my own emotional well being. So when I work with journalists, I Go to TV stations around the country, also conventions, conferences where journalists frequent, those big conferences. Because if they have the tools to know how to deal with this and self regulate before they go out on a story or while they're on the story, or when they're sit one of those edit bays, having to look at the imagery over and over again, or the guys in master control that are watching all those televisions and seeing all the imagery, everyone in those news stations is getting it. And as someone who is truly a journalist and has been doing this for almost 30 years, I get it. And if I can serve my fellow journalists in a way, then I'm going to do it. And I love meeting with them because I know what it's like to be in front of the camera, behind the camera, producing, writing, all of that is secondary trauma. And the more tools they have, the better they're going to be at what they do and be compassionate journalists.

Yeah. And they'll probably be able to, you know, that won't come home with them. Right. Because that's the big thing. Right. Bringing it home. And yeah, so many of the first responders, you know, they can be great out in the field and they've got all their tools, but then they come home and that's their place that they sometimes can't regulate. And that shows up in all kinds of issues in their homes, you know, from divorces to maybe even domestic violence.

Yes. And another thing that I've witnessed a lot as being a. Somebody who was military dependent a lot of times in the smaller markets as well, a lot of the journalists are married or their spouses are police men and women or they are military men and women. So I have a very strong connection to the military and our first responders because of that. And I witnessed that firsthand, waiting for my own own, you know, spouse to come home, wondering where they were during the different conflicts and wars that we've had. And as a journalist, is it a conflict of interest? So there are a lot of things that stand between the journalist, especially if their family life includes somebody who is a first responder or working in the fire department, or working the police department or working in the military, which is more common than it isn't, especially in the smaller markets.

Very interesting. Yeah, never thought about that. So now you got both people with their trauma coming home. Right. And that can become a collision if they're not taught how to, to regulate it. Because that's what I always talk about. It really comes down to a disruption of the nervous system. Right. And so trauma continues to loop, as you know. Right. And that continues to activate our nervous system even when nothing is happening. And so all it takes is a sound, a smell, things like that, that can activate. And I always talk about Hillary, I say activate, I don't say trigger. What is activating your nervous system? Because I always thought the word trigger sounded negative and violent to me. And I always say, I don't believe your mind is negative and violent. It's actually trying to protect you. It's calling you into some sort of an action. But it may be an error message because it's looking at old data from something that happened five years ago. Like you mentioned the car accident. Why do you speed through that intersection? Because your mind and your heart's pounding and your hands are clammy, Right. So you're thinking, what's wrong with me? Well, there's nothing wrong with you. Right. Your mind thinks that there's an accident about to happen because it's viewing the old data in real time. And so we can. What we do in our TIP program is we reset that old data so that the mind no longer sees it as real. And so the way I explain, I say we're going to do the opposite of what they did with the wizard of Oz. We're going to take that data that was originally recorded in high definition, you know, color, and we're going to switch it. So wizard of Oz went from black and white to color. We're going to go from color to black and white.

I like that. I like that. And I love how you're aligning. I align with you on the activation. I don't like really using the word trigger either, because words have power.

They do.

How we talk to ourselves, how we talk to others. It's. And I get it. I get a lot of people that, that laugh at me about this. They're like, oh, you're so much about the. Your words and, oh, everything about language. I'm like, yes, language matters. Word choice matters. How you say a sentence and. And the inflection of your voice can make a big difference. The words you choose and use towards others and yourselves makes a heavy impact. So a word like trigger compared to activate, which can be a really positive word, Right. Makes a big difference. And your TIP program reminds me very much of my Hug it out program, which I have a program which is. It's an acronym. Hug it out is about healing, understanding, and gratitude. And when you have those three implemented into your life, you can make a really big difference. And before you have Any, when you have any upset in your life and you're activated, you won't know unless your first step is to be aware of it. Right? And once you're in awareness, you can move into a state of okay, I'm going to allow a change to happen. I'm, I'm, I choose to choose. Empower yourself. Because I don't have, I don't have the ability to empower anyone or heal anyone. I'm just guiding you to do this yourself. And once you have that awareness and that allowance, then you can move into that state of alignment. And when alignment happens, then that's where the real power happens. You can really empower yourself to change the total trajectory of things. And it can be from the little those things that are irking you on the everyday to like the bigger things that have been living in you for so long that are keeping you stuck. It's time to be unstuck, you know, and find that purpose and live your life powerfully the way you want to and deserve to. And it's really easy when you give yourself permission to go there.

Exactly. It's usually you were, because that's the word I hear a lot. I'm sure you do as well. When they say, they describe how they're feeling and it's stuckness. And I said the reason you're stuck is not because your mind is trying to hurt you, Right. It's that almost a freeze mode trying to protect you. Right. So, and I talk about with depression, when people say, oh, I have depression, I say depression is a function of the brain, not a dysfunction of the brain. It's actually trying to protect you. It's in pain, so it's shutting down to try to stop some pain. But then people look at the symptom of depression and think that's the problem. It's generally not the problem. It's coming from somewhere. Your mind is trying to create some sort of a response to something that's been trying to fix, but it can't fix it. So it quiets down.

And what's really beautiful about that for your listeners and those who are watching is that it's even more empowering to know that your body is there to protect you, your mind is there to protect you. When you look at it as like, you know, when people are hurt, when relationship breakups, when you're injured, you're going to go into protection mode. But how beautiful is it to know that you have a body and a mind that wants to protect you, but it's just A difference of how do you want it to protect you? You can still protect yourself and take the power back. Right. Or you can allow yourself to live within the wall and.

Put up walls to not let anything in to actually help you in the healing process. Where do you want to be on that side of the wall, basically, you.

Know, and it's very easy because of the way we, we label people in mental health industry. I have anxiety, I have depression. Comes a badge. And as opposed. So they become a victim of something. And what I say is, there's nothing wrong with you. Right. If your mind thinks that you're about to be hurt, doesn't it make sense that it would activate your nervous system and you would feel fear? That makes perfect sense. That's exactly what your, your mind and your body are designed to do, is to activate if there's a threat. That's not the problem. The problem is why is it activating? And it's activating because you had had some trauma, whether that was from childhood or whatever, and your mind is viewing it in real time. It's a glitch, an error message. Let's just reset it so that your mind stops calling for that action. It's really that simple. When you give people the science and education behind it. What I hear all the time is this is making so much sense now. Yeah, There is nothing wrong with me. Of course my mind would do that. How could it not do that? It's designed to.

Very much so. It is. And I love that. We're doing more work now studying the brain. I think there is.

A lot of people out there that are actually making some powerful steps to try to be more aware of how much power the brain really has, how much our thoughts really matter. I mean, we have what, 50 to 70,000 thoughts a day and not all of them are positive. Right. So it's up to us to choose good ones. Right. And you can't be, you know, rainbows and butterflies 24 7. Right. I'm sure the Dalai Lama even has his moments. But you can certainly do your best to bring yourself or be aware. Like that first step I mentioned, be aware of when you're not feeling so good. And it's not about not feeling good. Right. I mean, we have all parts matter. If you've ever, if you've ever looked into parts work and we've talked about, you know, parts work, it's not about getting rid of those things. Like any story that's happened in your life, any upset or trauma that you have lived through in Your life is always going to be a part of who you are. That's what makes you be able to be like, be successful, be thriving, be out there doing what you do because your story is part of who you are. The difference is you have the ability to change the narrative. Right. And I think that's going back to what you're saying about the victim. And I tell that to my clients all the time. We've all have stories in the pages before us, but you can turn that page, start with a clean slate and say, okay, I know it's in chapter 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Fine, that's still there. But I don't have to bring that with me and not start anew on this clean page. That's where your power comes from. That's where your purpose comes from. That's where your passion comes from. And it all has to happen when you are in a place where you're open to healing.

Yeah. And that's the key. And so what I always say is, we're not going to change what happened to you. It's impossible to do. We're going to change the way your mind responds to it.

Yes.

That's all we're going to do. We're going to reset. Your brain is a giant computer. It's been coding your entire life, and it's basically recorded encoded responses to that event. It recorded it in real time when it happened and is continuing to run the codes. So all we have to do is reset it. And I always say if every time you hit your M key on your computer, your computer shut off, you wouldn't get rid of the computer. You take it and say something is coded wrong. Right. We need to reset the code so the M key doesn't shut off the computer. And then once you reset the M key, it becomes an M key again. But traditionally, what we're going to do is, if we use that analogy in mental health, we would say, oh, well, don't think about M's. Don't think about words with M's and them. Don't even write words with them.

Right, Right.

That's not going to fix it. Right. That's avoiding it and moving around it and managing and coping and living with a. An M key that's not working the way. The way it's supposed to. So let's just get it and. And reset it and then it becomes an M key again. We're designed to heal, as you know.

Yes.

The bodies are designed to heal. I love that hearing with the healing and generally it's trauma. And so trauma. So if you're being chased by a lion, your mind is going to be focused on escaping the lion and not doing maintenance. So you could run on jagged rocks and bare feet when the lion's chasing you. And you're not going to feel any pain because your mind's going to say, it's not important right now to alert you to this problem. Let's get away from the lion. When you get away from the lion now you're going to feel the pain and now the maintenance is going to start. But people who have trauma are in a perpetual state of running. Like you talked about, getting the amygdala running all the time. So it's running because it thinks there's something wrong and there's something happening. That's maintenance.

It's understanding the difference between your sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system, for sure. I think the, the more people are aware of how things work and listen, I think people probably come to us because they just want to get rid of the upsets and the pain, you know, And I understand that not everyone wants to know all about the neuroscience behind everything. It's basically like, just help me feel better, just help me find my purpose, just help me.

Deal with things differently, you know, whatever the upset is. And I get that. And it's. And it's meeting people where they're at because every client's different, right? Every workshop's different, every conference is different. And it's having a really clear understanding of who you are serving because we're, you know, it's all bio individuality. But there is a need and a want and desire to help people. But it's really people needing to understand that you, you're here because you want to help yourself. And that is where the empowerment really comes into play. They don't have to understand the entire neuroscience and what's going on in the brain. Right. You get a couple people that are the, the neuro nerds. I get it. And that's where I get to play a little bit. Right. Because I'm a little neuro nerdy too. But, you know, I think it's helping them have a clear understanding of what's happening without getting too sciency. But then if they want a little more, you have the ability to share with them what is going on, you know, because sometimes it's just kind of insane how the brain works. You know, when I was first, I got to be honest, when I first started this work and you know, like I said, my my background is 25, 30 years as a journalist and realizing that I want to really hold space for others, I became an integrative nutrition health coach, helping a lot of people on their wellness and their weight loss journeys. Because I've been there myself. And a lot of times my clients are mirroring back the kind of clients I am. Right. The client I am. And part of that was just realizing that there need to, there, there needs to just be more guides by the side of people. Because as you might know, even doctors will say this. They're not trained in nutrition. They don't go to medical school and learn anything. They might take an elective and they'll be the first to tell you. Fortunately, now we're seeing more doctors taking functional medicine classes, more classes in holistic health, which is great because I love working with those kind of doctors. But then it's just aligning with other.

Coaches, practitioners like yourself, where we create this collaborative so that it's letting people know they have choices and they have support where they need it. And they're never going to run out of that support if they're just open to the possibility of change.

Yeah. And as long as they're willing to be open to it, then their mind is going to be open to it. Yeah, right. And then all of a sudden is what's the message? That when the student is ready, the teacher arrives.

That's right. Yeah. I think I felt that too. Because what I was saying before, I had never. When I before I did the havening techniques, before I got into this, I was just a girl that met a friend at a birthday party and we're talking about what each other did. And I heard and she said, well, I do have a. Like, what's that? And she did a little bit on me while we were standing in the bar. She's like, do you mind if I just touch you on your shoulders? And she did it. And I'm like, oh my gosh, I don't know what this is, but I want to learn more. I wound up going to a three day workshop where the doctors, Dr. Steven Ron Rudin, who are the developers, were doing it. And Dr. Ron was the first person to ever haven me and he haven't me on the death of my father, which had been a major trauma in my life, being a child of a father who was sick my whole life and then on my tmj, which was my chronic pain from jaw surgery. So that one day of being haven't changed the trajectory of me knowing what was possible out There for my own healing. Right. And I think that's. That's a really powerful distinction, is when you have practitioners, when you have coaches that aren't just preaching it, they've lived it.

Yeah.

And we just want people to feel better because we know what it's like to feel better. Right.

And I deal with a lot of people in addiction, and it's pretty interesting because I've never had a drink in my life. Never once, never touched a drug of my life. Right. And I help people with addiction. It was like, what do you know about addiction? You've never even had a drink of alcohol.

Right.

You've never touched a drug. And before I really understood how the brain works and how all this works, I thought the same thing as most people, is that addiction was some sort of a weakness in their character, Weakness and willpower. And now what I understand, it has nothing to do with that. It's not about character, willpower, morals, or ethics. It's all about pain. And so the subconscious mind wants to be out of pain. Where does it want to be out of pain now? So it can't see a consequence to drugs and alcohol because it solved the problem. So somebody takes that drug or takes the alcohol. When did they stop the pain? Now. Perfect solution. What they don't understand is the brain codes. So the more you use it now, you're building up a code and association with the drugs and alcohol, with the pain relief. So what's going to happen when the pain comes in again? The mind goes back and says, what do we know about this pain? Oh, yeah, let's go grab that drug or grab that drink. That's going to stop it.

It.

And so then the code becomes very strong. And that's why they can't get out of it, because they don't understand it.

Right. And what's the lesser of the two evils, really? I remember doing a story on the opioid crisis, and I was interviewing a young woman who is now a crisis counselor. She's clean. And I remember this. Gosh, this comment she said, just sits with me to this day. And this, you know, a lot of people have misconceptions about the opioid. Opioid crisis and thinking that people are just drug addicts. It's like, I. I think that couldn't be farther from the truth. A lot of these people are just soccer moms who had to get a knee injury, a knee surgery. And she said the difference between having the drug was like, getting rid of the pain or having your fingernails pulled out from under your. You know, like, if that could not be any more visual because the pain subsiding was due to this drug getting rid of the pain. So you have. You're either feeling this way or you're feeling this way. And I've had that when I work with clients in that area as well. In addiction, it. It's a. It's a powerful tool to put in their hands, because at first they're like, I don't even want to. You know, they're coming to you because they know, they. They want help. But it is really powerful when they realize how simple it is to change the trajectory in their mind. But sometimes it's become like a safety net for them. So that pleasant distraction is changing it to a new safety net. You know, why not think about something pleasant? Why not let the brain know it's safe? And. And that's. That's a really powerful place to be. When you witness that shift in people.

You know, well, they've never had another resource.

Yeah, never.

So when you. We want to shame them and. And make them feel really bad. And yet at no point did they have any other resource to stop their pain. So people say to me, well, why would people use drugs and alcohol knowing all the consequences to it? I said, the reason people use drugs and alcohol is because it works.

Yes.

It stops the pain. Right. And if you are what I say to people, I haven't had your pain. If I had your pain, I would have probably found a resource too. So it doesn't say anything about who you are as a person. I get it now. And I had a guy who went through our program, and what he said was the difference between what you do and what traditional rehab was doing. For me, he says, I'd get out of rehab, and I couldn't stop thinking about wanting to use. I got out of your program, and I don't think about it anymore. And this was a successful executive making good money. Right. He again, an injury he got on opioids because he injured his knee on a job site and innocently started getting into this and then went into addiction and went to rehab multiple times. Now he had the money to do it and the resources to do it, but at the same time, it. They weren't fixing the problem. The problem wasn't the. The physical. You know, just the physical pain. It was the code that got built.

Yeah.

And a lot of times it's. You go even further back. It may be the trauma that created the code. His was more of just an injury, but Most people are coming in because they've had trauma and they've had no way to stop that trauma loop from running, constantly activating their nervous system. And they just, just like you said, why do people come to us because they want to feel better.

Yeah. And sometimes and that. And that upset and that addiction later in life or in their teen years or that might not even be the original incident. You know, we talk about the OI a lot and trauma and that original incident. I know mine was like days after I was born. I know my OI and I know that it's built on after that. I know I've had other series of traumas, like an injury when I was a year old, my surgery when I was 15. These are all encoded into us. And if we don't know that they're there or why we're feeling this way or that we can hold space for ourselves to have a better understanding of our own trauma and not shame ourselves, but live well with it, then we really can change the entire way that our life can go. Your life can go, but it's really being aware of it first and not shaming yourself for having it. Because we've all got stuff. We've all got stuff. Right.

At times in our lives. Right. It all happens.

Yes, we all have stuff. And, and the minute we stop bullying ourselves and being that inner bully and shaming ourselves and the imposter syndrome and all the stuff that sometimes gets in the way of us making those powerful steps and taking those steps forward when we get out of our own head, that's really where the healing can begin.

Yeah. And it's training like anything, you know, so if you talk to an Olympic athlete and you ask them, you know, how did you get to become, you know, the fastest person in the world? They could tell you step by step all the physical things that they did to get there. Right. Well, we don't do that with the brain. And yet it's capable of doing, becoming an Olympic athlete mentally. Right. So take the same approach to the Olympic 100 meter sprinter as you do to your brain and wow, your life will change so fast. You'll become an Olympic mental, you know, athlete.

Yeah, yeah. If we start thinking about the brain more as the muscle, it is. Right. We're constantly training our body. We're lifting weights, we're running, we're doing whatever we can for every other part of our body. But we're forgetting about the crown, the top, and what we can really truly do to, to take control back and realize that that is a. That in itself is a muscle that needs to be trained. And sometimes it forgets. And sometimes you have to remind and say, all right, where are you going with that thought? Bring it on back. Right. And then that's, That's. Then you can kind of play with it a little bit, too. You know, the inner child starts to step in. I mean, we can, we can go round and round on this one. But I. I have those moments, too. I have people ask me, like. Like, you must be so calm and cool and collected all the time. I'm like, are you kidding me? I'm a human being. That tiger is in the corner. Every once in a while. We have to retrain the brain constantly. It's just that it gets easier for us the more we do it. And it might be a shorter bout of upset or stress or anxiety, but it lives in all of us. And we're human, and it's okay to not be okay, but it's even better when we feel okay, you know?

Yeah. And I say that to everybody as well. I. I'll ask them that. Is it okay for you to be okay? And every once in a while, I know if you had the same thing every once in a while, people go, well, I don't know, because it's not really fair if I'm okay, but, you know, my mom isn't okay or my child isn't okay. And then I go, however, let's look at it this way. When you're okay, everybody you love and care for are better. They didn't have to do anything today, only you had to do something. Today you improve their lives by allowing you to be okay.

Yeah.

Because you have a major impact in their life. Right. Because they're going to be around. I love to use the. The story, the true story about Sully Sullenberg who landed the plane. Right.

I remember that. Yeah.

And I talked to him about that, and I said, now, first of all, I didn't know you could land a jet in the river. Like, that was news to me.

The Hudson, of all rivers, too, it's a tidal estuary. It goes both ways. That's even harder.

Yeah, I said, but you know what the most remarkable part of the story was? It wasn't landing the plane in the river. The most remarkable part of the story is how calm he stayed. So what happened is when he gets on the intercom and he's talking to the crew and he's talking to the passengers and, and he's saying, okay, this is what we're going to do listen to your crew. Fasten your seat belts. I'm going to let he talk like he was landing on Runway 25. And so now everybody's like, I guess he's going to do it, you know? But if he had to be yelling like, get in your seats and screaming at his crew, he couldn't have done his job as well.

Yeah, he would have created panic and crisis.

And by getting everybody else to do their job better because they were calmer, it allowed him to do his job. So when you get your nervous system in regulation, you start to regulate the people around you, which allows you to execute your skill better.

So true. Just think about how much of a service you're doing rather than a disservice when you come across in a calm and cool, collected space. And that can be whether you're a parent, whether you're a friend, whether you're working as a cris convention counselor, what. Whatever you're doing, journalists, whoever you are. The more calm you are, the more you're going to create that environment around you. And if anything, if you don't create it around you, you're not able to. Because we're only in charge of ourselves. Right. At least you're calm. But I think that also goes back to sometimes people feel that level of guilt, you know, using, like, grief, for example, when somebody passes on, somebody is feeling a level of grief. Like, I should be upset, I should be sad. I should be. It's not a coulda shoulda Prada. It's like, you are what you are. You're feeling what you feel. You're going to go through certain stages, and if somebody's at a different stage and they're really grieving and you're kind of like, I'm feeling okay. Like, maybe you have a different level of closure. So you don't need to meet them at that level of grief. It come to them to kind of help lift them up without taking away their feelings. Right. You're not. You're not trying to, like, you know, like, come on, get over it. You know, you're just that state of calm. And once they start witnessing that, that it's kind of hard not to want to be in that space because that feels better and looks better and sounds better. But a lot of times we tend to keep ourselves small, you know, that is it, am I worth this? And it does go back to worth a lot. Self worth is a big one. I'm sure you deal with that a lot as well, with. With those that you serve. But if you're not feeling that self worth. It's very difficult to get past that until you have an awareness that you are worth something.

So what's going to happen if somebody has low self worth? Chances are they're going to puff up and they're going to be very angry. Why are they doing that? To protect themselves.

Oh, goes. Goes back to protection.

Protection and safety. They don't feel safe. Well, if I can be the loudest one in the room, Right. Everybody's going to back off and they won't attack me. Right. So that can come in very easy. So when people have anger issues, what created that? Chances are there's some events and experiences that created it.

Yeah. And I, I think you know something I do a lot when I do meditations or when I have retreats that I do, or even when I'm just doing the workshops, I'll do a short meditation, a havening meditation. It's how do you want to feel? How does it feel when this happens that you are where there's that moment of joy that you're thinking about right now? What is the feeling like, hold on to that bottle that. Because the more you remind yourself of that feeling, the more likely you're going to want to go in that direction. But if you're not thinking about the feeling that you're having and you're just like, oh, I'm walking on the beach, whatever. But no, no, no, what's the feeling? How does it feel? What is it? What are the senses that are coming alive for you in that moment? People can go there. And, and it is so easy to change the way we think in the trajectory of where the brain wants to take us. Because you can't be in the state of depression and joy at the same time. You can't be in crisis and calm at this and chaos at the same time. Right. You choose to choose. I can't say it enough. So choose wisely.

And again, comes down to training, right?

It does.

Having a good coach, someone like you. Right. They can give them that education. Right. And understand. Because I always say why does. And I use sports as an analogy all the time. But why does Tiger woods have a coach? This coach couldn't beat Tiger woods, right? Not a chance. His coach is not better than Tiger, but he can see things that Tiger can't see.

Exactly. Yeah.

That's what a coach does for you is sometimes you may not see the answer when it's really in front of you and a coach can actually guide you. Just like you talked about earlier. Right. We're the guides. We're going to guide you to what you naturally have as an innate ability. You can actually do this. It's within you. You just haven't had access to it. We're going to show you how to access it. And you can do it all the time.

I love that you're saying that because I say that to clients all the time are those people who call and get a first, just, you know, hug it out. Discovery called me. I'm like, my whole mission is to help you see and mirror back at you what you might not see in yourself at the moment, but you will because it's very hard sometimes to see it in ourselves. So being able to sit there as somebody who is really witnessing you and holding space for you and seeing in you what you don't see in yourself is what my job is. And then when I see the shift, you've done it yourself and that, that's where the real, the real beauty and the gem and the magic is.

And it's really amazing. I know you've got a lot of experience with it is too. But one of the things that, that we do and I do a four hour session, which is a long time to sit with somebody, but I'm very, very intentional in what I'm listening to because so many times what I'll come back and I'll say, you know, I've been listening very carefully to everything you've said today to me and a little earlier you said something, and I'll explain what I heard and they don't even know they're saying it right. And I'll say, tell me what that means, like, where did, where's that coming from? And they'll go, oh my gosh, yeah, you're right. I never thought about that. Their answers, they have them, they just can't see them. They can't even hear them. Right. And then when you bring those in and you say, let's look at this, this, why would you say that? That there's a reason why your mind brought that thought to you or brought that message to you. So let's look at that, or you.

Get in that pattern, you probably are hearing clients that are so used to their own dialogue and their narrative and their story that they've been saying over and over again and to be witnessed and be told or that they've been heard because they're not really hearing what they're saying. And when somebody else is like, hold on a second, repeat that. Are you saying that, you know, and Then you repeat it back like the. A lot of neuro linguistic programming there as well. Are you telling me that? And suddenly they're like, oh, did I just say that? I'm like, yeah. Have you been saying that to yourself for the past 25 years? Because perhaps that is where the disconnect is. Right. They're just not used to having anyone mirror it back. They're just used to their own story that they've been telling themselves. But when you, when you're on like, you know this, the spin cycle, it's not going to stop unless someone presses stop, right?

Yeah.

Slows the roll a little bit. So yeah, I use two.

When somebody says, I'm just a pessimist, I'm always pessimistic. And I'll say, well, I don't think you're pessimistic. They'll go, oh no, I'm really a pessimist. And I say, let's look at it this way. I don't believe you're a pessimist. I just think you're low on optimism.

No, that's good. I like that.

Improve your optimum fitness score.

I love it. Yeah, that's great.

Takes it out of that. So the reason why you feel like a pessimist is because you don't have enough optimism. Let's fuel you up.

Right. That's again, using the powerful positive words. That's great.

Yeah, right.

It is strategy.

No, you're just low on gratitude. Let's improve that fitness. I talk about as just fitness. Resiliency is a fitness score. Optimism, gratitude, intuition. What is your score? Right. And so let's work on that. That's the training we're going to do.

Yeah.

So I'll ask them, what's your optimism fitness score? I was really low. Well, so you're 30%. That's not pessimistic, that's just low optimism.

Right. Well, it's giving them, it's letting them know that they can raise it. You know, giving them hope and, and something to strive for. Just like you do if you're running the 100 meter and you want to run the 200 meter later. Right. So it's letting them know there's still possibilities of that goal over there. Just take baby steps. You can get there. You don't have to get to like 100 optimism tomorrow. But what if you do 5% more tomorrow and then 5% more and then 5% more and before you know it you're like, oh, pessimism. What? That's great. I love it.

Who do you know that's a really optimistic person? What would you rate them on a scale? Oh, they're like at 95. So is that what, where would you want to get to? Would you like to have that kind of optimism, that kind of a fitness in the optimism skill area?

Yeah, that's great.

How are you going to do it? You're going to just like training. We're going to train you in optimism.

That's great. Yeah. I love the athlete analogies. Those are good.

And that's why I always use that. Right. It all comes down to that. And the same thing I talk about when people say, oh, I sabotage myself, I go, it's impossible. Your brain's not capable of sabotage. It's survival based. So it's not going to sabotage you. It's going to move you in another direction that will look like you just sabotaged yourself. Because just like it's. For example, you use your, your story of going through that intersection. All of a sudden you say, well, I never go through that intersection anymore. I'm sabotaging myself on my way to work because I go a different way. No, you're not. Your brain's trying to avoid that intersection because it thinks it's dangerous.

It's so much about the words we use. It really is. And when I go back to, to thinking about my hug it out program and the, the healing, the understanding, the gratitude, the whole idea of hugging it out is like, you know, when you're in an upset with someone and, and somebody will come along, be like, oh, can you guys just hug it out? Like just come on. Right, well, we need to start doing that to ourselves. We need to really like make amends with ourselves, be kind to our own minds. And by hugging it out, you're saying that you're like releasing some of that ability to call it sabotage or I'm the pessimist or self doubt, self worth, all of those things that we say to ourselves that bring us down, it's time to kind of hug it out and say, I'm okay, I'm, and I can be better. And I might not be perfect, but I'm perfectly imperfect. And I'm working on that road to get better and be better for myself and those I care about and those around me, you know, and that, that's really a powerful distinction, is understanding that there's still always something more that we can look at, look forward to. But be happy in the perfect now too. Be happy where you are. The fact that you've come to somebody to seek help. The fact that last week maybe you were 5% less of a optimist, you know, or 5% less of like you're feeling more self doubt, like look at it in the other direction. And if you're veering and not using that exit and you want to go somewhere else because that was where you had the accident. No, that's an awareness of like, maybe I'll take a safer route because there's always congestion here. Right. Those are making powerful choices. And the more people understand that you have a choice, the more empowered they become. And that starts right here with you, with me and many other practitioners out there in the world that are here to support you and hold space for you, to guide you, to see what you don't see in yourself. Yep.

And, and I love your hug it out because that makes a lot of sense, you know, when you explain to people that when you hug somebody, the longer you hug them, the more oxytocin that you right in your brain. Why does a hug feel good? It's not just because you think it feels good. It's actually physically changing your body.

It's the love hormone. And the beauty of that is that it's a coincidence. But it does play into havening as well because you are self hugging. Hugging. When you are doing the havening touch, when you're crossing your arms, going from your shoulders down to your elbows, when you are doing a light hand movement, like you're washing your hands or just touching your face, you are self hugging, you are self applying, you are self regulating, you are self havening, you are providing yourself with that hug and that oxytocin. If you don't love yourself, how in the world can you expect anyone else to?

Right?

It begins within.

So true.

Yeah.

Well, Hillary, we could probably talk for four more hours.

Like a session?

Yeah, like a session. Yeah. I have a tendency. I could go for four hours with you, but that's probably not too. It's gonna be too much. So I appreciate you coming on. So first of all, I want you to be able to share what with our audience. Right. How can they reach you or what would you like to share with them? Right.

Well, for. For those of who are tuning into your podcast, I want to graciously offer an opportunity, a little bit of self havening. And I am offering a free video download. So if you go to Hillary russo.com that's 1L2S's/purpose. I have a video on how to find your purpose with Havening. Because a lot of times it comes back to finding your purpose. But I'm also going to be doing a hug it out challenge during the latter part of November into December, which is going to be 14 days with learning how to get unstuck, get in alignment with who you are and really learn some power powerful tools on a day by day to really stress less and be the powerful person you deserve to be. And then I'm also starting a weekly self havening on Sunday mornings that'll be a really beautiful way to self care on my YouTube channel. And that's going to be starting in early December. So there's a lot of stuff going on and most of that can be found out just by going to my website or following me on social media.

At Hillary Russo well, I encourage everybody to do that. This is just information and it's so powerful for what people can heal. Right. And you just need to understand just you just bring in the right people, show you the right and you can absolutely do it.

Absolutely. Thank you so much for the time and I'm looking forward to having you on holistically speaking on my podcast as well. And that that weekly podcast is trauma to triumphs through health, healing and humor. So I'm really excited to have you come on and share more about you and everything you do with my audience.

That sounds great. Well, thank you again Hillary and thanks everybody for listening to another episode of you must be out of your mind. And there it is.