June Webinar: Connected and Content: The Secret to Joyful Living

Thomas, you got a nice background there. Where are you?

I'm in Toronto, sexy. My backyard.

Oh, nice.

I responded to your email, Thomas, with Martin. Thank you for connecting us there.

Okay, you're welcome. Did a, a lady called Lisa Guatney ever reach out to you? Like six or eight weeks ago.

Doesn't ring a bell.

Okay, then she probably didn't. She asked about TIP and I, I think I made a connection with you, Brandon.

Okay.

And I'm surprised she would not have followed up, but Martin will definitely follow up.

Okay, I'll go back through and double check and maybe follow up with her too.

Okay, cool.

Thank you.

Couple more people coming in.

So we ready to go, Maya?

Yeah, we can start right now on the, you know, 1001. And I'm recording, so we're good to go.

Maya's the gatekeeper. If you notice how I ask her before I do anything.

I pay the price afterwards if I don't.

So anyway, so thanks everybody for coming again today. I'm really excited about today because I love what we're, we're talking about, which is relationships and improving relationships. It's something that I'm, I'm a big believer in that, how valuable relationships can be in our lives and if you can improve them. It's just some tips here to maybe help you with that as well. We got a couple of announcements we're going to announce afterwards, which I think everybody will really like, and Maya is going to remind me about those so I don't forget about them.

But anyway, so if you have any questions as we're going along, you can ask them live if you want, or you can send them to Maya for her to bring it up and then she'll then send the question to me or ask me the question.

And again, you don't have to share if you don't want to put in who it is. If you want to just ask questions. So it's whatever you're comfortable with. So we're going to get going to get started. And basically, as you can tell from the, the agenda on this is really talking about how do you really build genuine connections. And I think the value for me as you've all gone through the TIP program, so you know what that's all about. You know my story and, and how I grew up. But I learned so much from my experiences as a child and my experiences as a husband and father. So I want to use a lot of those experiences to sort of share what I think are valuable lessons. And I'm not saying I Had it all right. But I think I've learned a lot about how things work. So when people ask me, what's the most valuable thing in a relationship, how do you build really good connections? Number one thing that I see is understanding. And I'm going to talk a lot more about understanding. You've probably heard that anyway in the, and the TIP program about the value of understanding. But the other one I want to talk about as well is listening and how important listening is. And that was something I had to learn as well. I love what Lou Holtz, the famous Lou Holtz, the Notre Dame coach said. He goes, I never learned anything when I was talking. And I love that saying because it's true when you're talking, you're not learning, you're just speaking. So he, that's what he did. I love that, that comment. The other really valuable thing is learning about sacrifice. And, and I'm going to share some of my experiences, like I said, from my life and what I saw about sacrifice. The other thing is about being truthful. But that's a very tricky thing because people say, oh, you have to be honest, you have to be truthful. Which is true to an extent. And here's what I mean by that. Sometimes you may not want to say exactly what you're thinking in the exact words I love Jeff Foxworthy, what he talked about. He goes, he says, if your wife asks you, does this dress make me look fat? He goes, I don't care if she's knocking lampshades off of for the tables, you never tell her, yeah, I think it does look make you look fat. So honesty is good to a point because you also want to be caring, right? And, and honesty, like I said, is good. Sometimes you may even need to postpone honesty because they're not really ready to hear it. So if they're not regulated and you think, oh, I'm just going to let you, you know exactly what I think you need to know right now. Timing is very valuable. So if you use the right timing, when you use honesty, that can make more of an impact. So sometimes the delay and honesty is valuable.

And then communication, when I say about communication, I'm talking about two way communication because a lot of times you see relationships and there's a really strong person in a relationship and the other person never gets to speak. It really has to be a two way communication because if you're the person that speaks all the time, I can tell you that they're tuning you out.

Because less is more. And so sometimes if you speak too much and you think, well, I say everything. I put everything out on the table. At some point, they're going to tune you out. You can only actively listen so much, and so you want to be impactful with what you say. Some of these, I talk about Winston Churchill. If you listen to some of the audios, one of the things I talk about, Winston Churchill was an amazing communicator, but he was very brief.

So one of the things that they talked about, what made him such a good communicator is he looked like he was just speaking off the cuff, but he was very organized and planned, even though it was brief. So he spent a. What he's talked about. I spent a lot of time looking like it's an impromptu speech because he wanted to give the impression that he was just speaking off the top of his head. But he was very, very strategic about what he wanted to communicate. So when you want to have a really good communication with somebody, right, that's why I'm saying sometimes postponing what you want to say and then setting a specific time to have that communication and then be very strategic on what you want to communicate, then you're going to be heard. So.

The most famous speech I think that he gave was, I think it was a commencement speech when he walked out on stage and just said.

Don'T ever quit or don't ever give up. He goes, never, ever, ever give up, and walked off. That was. His entire speech was less than 20 words. And the. And what he was telling is don't quit. And that was a great lesson for these students to hear because especially today, and I don't know how all of you guys feel, but today there's, there's a lot, a lot more emphasis on quick, getting a quick experience and learning fast, and when, in fact, sometimes it takes time. So I look at, you know, my relationship. I saw my parents married pretty much their entire life. My brother has been married since he was 21. I've been married since I was 19 in one relationship. And so if we had have quit, it would have been easy to quit. There have been a lot of times we could have quit and you could have justified quitting. Right. And I talk about, I. I really do believe this, that especially in the marriage, in my marriage, and I think in a lot of marriages, the women really put up a lot more sacrifice than the men do. We get. We get away with a lot more. But I think the same time is we have to learn to be patient. And if there's anything And Brandon, who is on here as well, he'll say that one of the things that he's always admired about me is patience. And I think any good relationship, you have to have patience, because sometimes if you hear something and then it puts you on a spin, sometimes you need to take some time and really recalibrate as opposed to responding right away. So if you can be patient in a relationship or even in a disagreement or argument, that is a key. Because if you get mad and you respond and jump at them, that may not. That may, you know, be irreparable. You can say the. The wrong thing at the wrong time. And I think one of the successes in the marriage that I have is we have never said a mean word to each other. We have disagreed, but at no point has it ever become personal. At no point did she ever say, you're an idiot or you're stupid or you're this or you're that. And I've never done it to her. And so we can disagree and we can. Can be completely and not talk for a little bit, but at the same time, it was never a personal attack. It never became personal. And I think that's a key if you want to have a successful relationship, don't. They don't say something that you can't take back because you really can't take those things back. And for Bridget, growing up with a father, he said things like that all the time. He constantly said things to her and her whole family that were just. The damage was done. You couldn't fix that, especially to children. So I want to. I want to share.

We've got some good little videos that I want to share.

I think the. The. Maya, can you show video number one? We're going to just share that, and I'm going to talk a little bit about that where I think this can be helpful.

Okay, I'm going to share the video. Please let me know if everything works properly.

Okay.

I have a dear, dear friend who's going through a very.

I have a dear, dear friend who is going through a very hard time. My friend Maria.

And.

I went to her house for dinner, and she was telling about this awful time she went through. And I wanted to be sympathetic, but at the same time, I was really pissed off that she didn't call me. And I was like, what the hell? Like, I'm here. I love you.

I support you.

Like, you're always there for me. Why wouldn't you let me be there for you? Like, how selfish are you? Like, you wouldn't Let me be there for you. She did. She says to me, I did. I reached out to you a number of times. And I look at my phone, like the text. She goes, want to come over? I'm like, how the hell do I know that that's a cry for help versus every other time you'd ask me over, which sounds exactly the same. And so she read an article that says that when somebody's struggling, all they need is eight minutes of help or support from a friend to get them back on track. And so we came up with a code. We write to each other. Do you have eight minutes? It means I need you and anybody can step out of a meeting for eight minutes to be there for a friend.

I really like that because it's so true. How many times do we just suffer in silence and we don't really ask what we. What we need. And the person who loves you and cares for you don't know. And so that could very easily tear a relationship apart. Because you could say, they never listen to me. They never hear me. But you never asked for what you wanted. You never told him. And especially for us guys, right? We sometimes just assume everything's good. I did that in my marriage, in the beginning. And Bridget, like I said, her. Her childhood was full of trauma, so she had a lot of trauma. The advantage for her was I could be. I could hear her and talk to her, but at the same time, I was like, I couldn't get out of the conversation quick enough because it was like I saw her hurting, and I didn't know what to do, and I didn't know how to help her. Now, I didn't make it worse because I didn't yell at her or I didn't get mad at her. I could listen very carefully, almost like this guy was saying, I was listening to you, but I didn't really hear you. And he didn't hear her because he didn't understand the way she was communicating. She thought she was making it clear he didn't hear it. And then he's now upset that she didn't communicate properly. So I had that with Bridget, where she would be trying to tell me something, but I really didn't respond. I responded good, but not great. I responded with, I get it. I understand it. Right, Got it. Let's move on. Where. What I. So of all the trauma that she had, I didn't really know a lot about it. I didn't know a lot about what she had dealt with, and she really wanted to share it, but I really didn't give her the space to do it and she didn't know how to ask for it. Our relationship was new and we were both still learning how to communicate. And so the key is ask questions. If you're not sure, that's a really powerful tool. So that's what I talked about with listening is why listening? So you can listen, but do you hear?

It's two different things. You can listen to what they're saying, but are you really hearing what they're trying to tell you? And if you don't hear them and you listen, which was what I was doing, I wasn't really helping her. I wasn't making it worse, but I wasn't making it better. So if you truly want to help, I love what he said is eight minutes. If a friend's in need, sometimes all they need is a few minutes. We assume that, oh my gosh, I'm going to get tied up in this thing and it's going to be an all day kind of thing. Sometimes I just want to be heard, want to be listened to. I had a guy that I played hockey with and he called me one night and. And this is a guy that I never talked to a lot on the team. I knew him and we talked a little bit more on the team. And he calls me out of the blue one night and he's talking to me and he's talking about stuff that was absolutely. I was like, why is he calling me to talk about this stuff? It wasn't making any sense and it was just like general stuff. And then I said to him, I said, randy, is there is a reason why you called me? Is there something that I can help you with? And I wasn't trying to be rude. I was just like, I. I've never talked to you this much in my life. And it was only a few minutes. And he said, oh, yeah, he said, I just got home. And he says, and my wife's moved everything out of the house.

She's gone. He didn't know how to say that. And it would have been. And I don't know why I asked him, but I did. And this is before I was ever doing what I'm doing now. But that's what he needed. He needed to have somebody to talk to, but he didn't know how to say it. So sometimes if you're trying to be a good friend or in a good relationship, sometimes you have to ask to get the information. Don't assume they're going to tell you. Don't assume They've got the ability to tell you if they're in pain, they may not know. Like this guy Randy, he was in pain. He was probably in shock to come home. And as I talked to him, as I said, what were the signs? I mean, I saw you with your wife and I saw. And it didn't look like there was any. He goes, there was nothing. He goes, I'm being honest with you. We never yelled or argued or fought. You know, we, you know, typical couple stuff. But he goes, I never saw this coming. So his problem was the communication in the relationship. So they were getting along, but neither one of them were communicating. And then what's going to happen is that's why it's so hard. I've got another client that I'm working with, and she's like, I love my husband, but I'm not happy in the relationship. But I don't know what to do. I don't know how to communicate. I don't know how to. So she's just, for the last couple of years, just sort of treading water, waiting for either the relationship to end, right? But she's not going to end it or get better, but she's not doing anything to make it better. So communication is absolutely paramount. And I look back and I think about my parents, and it was sort of funny. I got some funny stories to tell with. With them. My dad and my mom had a really interesting relationship. Obviously, I've told this story many, many times. My brother and sister and I can't ever remember them arguing. They never raised their voice at each other. They just. You knew they loved each other. But my dad was a very.

Interesting communicator. He was very brief in what he would say, but he was very impactful with what he would say. So you really. I really listened to my father a lot, and I think that was probably good for his relationship. But they had a silent communication. It was really funny is. And I never understood it at the time. In fact, I remember this one particular time my mom said, I saw them, they were going out together. And I said, where are you guys going? She says, oh, we're. We're going to Knob Hill Farms. That was a big store, but it's way across town. And I was like, why are you going to Knob Hill Farms? My mom says, oh, they have a sale on peanut butter.

And I was like, how much are you gonna save by driving all the way across town to get a sale on peanut butter? And I didn't understand at the time, but now I Understand what that was all about. That was just spending time together. And that was the way they would be able to do that without having to say, you want to spend time together? But they got to drive and they would go and they would have lunch and they would do all those kinds of things. But they're going to go to Knob Hill Farms to get peanut butter. And that was their communication. And it was really interesting because my dad wasn't a real loving, touchy guy. My mom was the opposite. She was the hugger. She was the one always doing that. My dad was very British, very stiff, you know, but you knew he loved you, but he never said it. And it was. It was interesting. But he loved my mom so much and he loved us so much. He communicated it differently. For example, when my dad passed away, we came in to take a look at all the affairs and what was going on to sort of help my mom. So my brother was going to look after all the finances. And my brother calls my sister and I aside, and he goes, look at this. Look at these letters. And I said, what? From the electric company, from the gas company. My dad was so worried that if he passed away, my mom would be left with all these bills. So these letters were coming in from the utilities, utility companies telling him, stop sending extra money. We can't take any more deposits. Right? You can't prepay that far in advance. He wanted to make sure her electricity never went off, her gas never went off. That was how he did it. And they were literally telling them, like, stop. And it wasn't like he was rich, but he wanted to make sure she was always taken care of. Those are the ways he communicated, and it was a great way to do it. The other thing that was always funny, and I always laugh about this, is I remember one time, this one time in particular, and he'd always do the same thing. My mom says, we're going to look. We're going out to look for cars, for a car. And my dad would go, we're not going to buy a car. We're just going to look. And they come back with a car.

It was the same thing every time. Whenever they were going out to look for something, he'd make the statement, we're not going to buy it. But they would come back with it. So he always wanted to make sure my mom was getting what she wanted, but he didn't want to look like he was a pushover, but he did it. Maya, you have a question?

We got a question in. So I wanted to address that.

Okay.

It says in your email marketing announcing this webinar, you mentioned atmospheric conditions. Can you speak more about atmospheric conditions and how they connect with the topic of the connection and communication?

Absolutely. It's a great question because atmospheric conditions are absolutely critical in developing a relationship. So if you have. What if you remember in the. When we talk about that, if you've had very dark, stormy atmospheric conditions, it's going to be how your mind uses those atmospheric conditions to respond to what's happening now. It's how we protect ourselves. So the brain is always learning how to protect us. So if I've got a good example, I had a mom come in with her son and she said, I went through your program. It was life changing for me. She says, I learned so much. And she says, and I also learned why I want to stop yelling at my son. I love my children, but I yell all the time. And I realized after listening to the TIP program why I did it, her mom yelled at her all the time. So she was always stressed out. And then what. What did she learn about relationships with children is that when you get frustrated, you yell. Now that's subconscious. You don't even know you're doing it. Now, consciously, the conscious mind would be saying, don't yell at your kids. Right? That's not right. You shouldn't be doing that. But it would instantly go into a. A fit of anger because that's what she learned. And so when I sat them both down and we started to talk, what I said, because he was obviously very hurt, and he told her, I don't like it when you yell at me all the time. And she was apologetic. She goes, I know. I'm so sorry. It's not right. I should not be doing that. I'm going to change. I'm working on that. And she has been really well, and it's been working very well for her. But what I explained to him is I took out a book and I said to him, I said, this is the book of your mom's life. These are all the chapters that were written during her childhood on how she learned how to respond. Those were her atmospheric conditions. That's the book of her resources on how to respond. Is it good? No. So she's got a lot of, really a lot of information that's not beneficial in building relationships. But that's the only resources she had because she learned them. Those were her atmospheric conditions. So how do you change it? If you want to change it, you've got to go in and change the atmospheric Conditions, which is what you're doing through tip.

So Bridget and I, and I tell the story all the time, is I would say.

No, I don't like that. And she could tear up and cry. And I never understood why she was crying because I didn't say anything that would have made her cry. But she had listened very carefully to my voice, and that would activate her nervous system, and a flood of information about her father would come in, because that's what her father would do. He would start building and escalating in his. In his tone. And when that tone started to change, that was danger for her. So she had learned to pick up on it very early. And if she heard a little tension change in my voice, she would go into a. A fear response. You're going to have fight, flight or freeze. She would go into fear. And there was nothing I could do to fix it until I got her atmospheric conditions cleared up. What I say is, think of your atmospheric conditions as your resources on how to respond. So if you've got dark storms or filter. If I take a filter and I take water and water our thoughts, and I pour the water through the filter, the water comes out clear. If I put mud in the filter and then I pour the water through the filter, the water comes out muddy. So what was wrong with the water?

There was nothing ever wrong with the water it filtered through the mud. How could it not come out muddy? How could your thoughts not come out not clear? And that's what she was experiencing is her thought. And then she would get angry, was coming from her atmospheric conditions on how she got responded to, and that now became her pattern. So if you want to break the pattern, you've got to change. You got to clear up the atmospheric conditions. And then that's why the audios are so important. The audios are designed to change the patterns and codes that got built while you're experiencing those atmospheric conditions.

So hopefully that that helps with that, and that's really what what it is. So actually, that's a perfect place. Play video number two for us.

Alexa. Play video number two.

Yeah, should be Maya now. Maya, play video.

Well, when my son spilled that water, I knew he was innocent. Whereas before, he would be guilty. Whereas before. Man, watch where you going. You got to pay attention. If you don't pay attention now, you spilled this water all over the place. And then you know how much this cost? I would have went all, you know, how many I can't count to you, how many family gatherings I ruled ruined, how many, you know, theme park outings. I've crushed people in tears. I'm going back to the room because I just. Everything had to be perfect. Everything had to be the way it's supposed to be. And then. You didn't do it the way I wanted. It was. It was hot my way or the highway. But, dude, that moment, he spilled that water, and I was like, oh, man. It's okay. It's all right, dude. Everybody in that table was like.

Are you serious? And my wife looked at me.

She said I was different.

And I knew I was.

After all we've been through.

I'll never forget. She said, terry, you different.

Terry, I'm with you.

She said, I love you.

Child. God. I stuck with you because you were willing to do the work.

And it was.

That's when I knew.

That's when I knew.

And that's one of the biggest reasons why I have to tell it simply because I don't want people to feel like they're alone. I don't want men to feel like they're alone. I want men to feel like it's just them and they don't know any way out. And the whole thing, I said, I have to be vulnerable. I have to share this part so that you know how far I can game.

That's what Tip's all about.

He was able to flip that and not respond with the pattern that he had learned earlier on. Everything has to be perfect. That was his code. And that got ingrained in him probably very early in his life. He probably dealt with the same kind of things through his parents or his father, whatever it was. So now that's the code. He's. He has written the atmospheric conditions and he just responds to them until he realized he had to make a change. That's what Tip's all about. What do you want to change? What do you want to do different? That's what this mom said. She goes, I want to be different. I don't want to have that. And what I explained to her son is, we're writing your new chapters now. So you have a chapter on mom yelling at you for the first 10 years of your life or eight years of your life. I said, imagine what happens now when you rewrite your whole new chapters with your family and it's changed. How are you going to respond to your children? The way you want to be responded to, the way your mom wants to respond to you. But you have to make. You have to do the work and make the changes. But the key is understanding why it happened in the first place. And that's what tip is for. Get to the root cause, what created it, and just going back to relationships. Like I said, my dad wasn't the lovey, huggy, touchy guy my mom was. So we had that balance. But my dad was very, I guess, British, you know, you knew he loved you. He didn't say I love you all the time, but he did all kinds of actions to show he did.

So anyway, Bridget gets into our family, right? And she's like my mom. So she's huggy, lovey all the time. And so she would come in and sit down beside my dad and just cuddle into him and hug him. And he's like.

It was like so uncomfortable. He'd be like, okay, okay, we're good, we're good. And she would just like, keep hugging on him and keep doing that. And. And it was the funniest thing you've ever seen is she transformed him. We would then come over and he'd go, where's my hug? Right? And I was like. I said to her one day, I said, that's not my father. You've totally changed him. But he loved it. But he grew up in a home that if he wanted to speak to his father, he had to set an appointment. Can you imagine? I mean, that. And yet he didn't raise us like that. I could speak to my dad anytime I wanted to, but he deliberately, intentionally made the changes he wanted. How he did all that, I don't know. He didn't have tip, but he definitely learned that. And the story that I tell is like, what Terry Crews was just talking about, how he would get angry if something went wrong. Those were his atmospheric conditions. So when I don't. Again, I don't know how my dad did this, but I was about 6 years old, and I think I've told this story, if you've heard it before, but my dad was writing out his bills, and I sat down with him and I said, you know, what are you doing? And he explained, I'm paying the bills. And he thought, this is a good learning experience. And he shows me how he writes out a check and he takes the bill and he's having me help him put the bill, you know, in the envelope, put the check in the envelope. And then I'm sealing it up. I had the sponge, right? That was when they were self sealing. And then he gives me a stamp and I use a sponge and put the stamp on it. And then he tells me, run down to the mailbox on the corner and Mail it for me. So I do. I'm all excited because I'm working with dad. I run down, I put it in the mailbox. I come running back and he's not at the desk, but I see all the other bills and all the other envelopes. So I just start stuffing bills into envelopes, sealing them, stamping them. And I remember I took a stack of them like this, and I run down to the mailbox and I stuff them all in the mailbox. I come running back and my dad's there and he goes, where are all the bills and where are all the envelopes? And I said, I mailed them for you. I'm all excited. And you know what he did? He laughed and he says, I don't think I explained this very well. He didn't yell at me, didn't hit me. Was he right? Yes. He didn't explain it very well to a six year old. I got the message that you stick envelopes in paper, right. And you stick stamps on them. I got that message. He didn't say there was an order to them, so. But that was the world I grew up in. So I never had fear in my home. If you have fear in a relationship, you're never going to communicate. So my dad was able to communicate very well with me because I was never afraid of him. Even though he wasn't lovey huggy, he didn't have to be because there was no fear. So anytime you have fear in a relationship, you don't communicate. And that was my wife. They didn't have communication because her whole family didn't communicate because they were all in fear. That is not a way to live. It's not the best place. So.

Were there any other questions you?

Well, actually, I have one.

Okay.

As you're speaking, I mean, I get to sit on this as a, as a alumni, right? Yeah. We went through the TIP program. You know, we're aware of our atmospheric conditions. We understand them. And I see how understanding our own atmospheric conditions helps us understand the filter that we see the world through. But what about trying to build a deeper, stronger relationship with someone that's maybe not ready to tell you about their atmospheric conditions or is not ready to share the trauma the way Bridget shared with you. Yet we still want that relationship and we want to deepen that. How will we go about that?

There's where I talked about patience, being patient.

If you are careful and you're patient and you listen, they aren't feeling safe if they're not telling you what they're feeling and what they're experiencing, then chances are you haven't made it safe enough.

So you need to focus on how do you make this relationship safer so they can do that. But you have to be patient. You got to say, well, I, you know, I was trying to be very careful way I said things and, but they still didn't communicate. Be patient. Keep doing what you're doing to create that safety and allow your time, Allow the time to give them the ability to speak, especially if somebody has had, like I, I, I talked about one lady who had very bad sexual abuse as a child. She never told her husband. So her husband is living with all of that trauma and has no idea and can't understand why his wife is responding the way she's responding. So who's at fault? Neither one. She didn't feel safe enough in the relationship to communicate the abuse she had when she was a child. And he didn't know how to ask or how to get her to open up so the relationship is going to stay stuck. She went through the TIP program with me. We worked on three of those events that she, she had multiple events. She goes, I mean, in fact, she said to me, after we finished doing three traumas, she says, well, we're going to be here all night because I've got a lot of these. And I said, well, we don't need to go through any more. Your mind will start resetting all of that data. But then I saw her a month later in a store, and she said to me, she goes.

When I went home that night, she says, for the first time in my life, I sat down with my husband and I told him what happened to me. This guy must have been going, now I get it. Now I get why this was happening. And that was happening. And she says, and it was an amazing experience. It was a bonding experience. My husband was very understanding. He listened very carefully. And she says, and it's changed our entire relationship. So had she not gone through tip, she may not have had the courage to be able to share that. He didn't know how to ask. He just accepted that this is the way life is. Right? My wife responds like this, I respond like that. And.

Another good experience or another good example is a husband and wife that were really struggling. They were losing their house. The marriage was literally on the rocks. It was about to fall apart. And she went through the program. He didn't want to go through the program. She went through it. She had a lot of abuse as a child, cleared all that up. And Then about a month later, she said. She called me up and she said, I have loved the last month. This has helped me so much. And she says, but I do have a problem. And I said, what's the problem? She goes, my husband doesn't like it. I said, doesn't like that you're better? And he goes, no, he really doesn't like that I'm better. He can't push my buttons anymore. So they were. They were both, you know, Latin. So they both had that. She had a real fiery temper. So it. And he didn't want to talk. He was a typical guy that doesn't want to talk about anything. So all he had to do was push her buttons. She'd explode. And then he would go, you see, we can't talk. You just get mad all the time. So that was his excuse to get out of talking. But now he's pushing. She goes, he's pushing and pushing and pushing. And I'm like, okay, tell me how you feel about that. Tell me how you feel about that. He couldn't take it because that's not the way they used to fight. The good news is, is that he eventually went through the program. Their. Their marriage survived. They lost their house, but they still stayed together despite all of that. So what was the difference? Communication, being able to talk. Now, I've had other relationships where it's the opposite. They realize I'm not in the right relationship. It's time to move on. They. That happens as well. A lot of times we see that even with business, we've sort of talked about that somebody will go through the program and then quit their job because they go, I'm not in love with my job. I don't love what I'm doing. I want to be passionate about what I do, and they'll find something else. I had a gentleman who. He was a pharmaceutical rep making about a quarter of a million dollars a year, doing very well. But he said, I'm an entrepreneur at heart. I want to be an entrepreneur. But that scares me, he says, because I like having my bills paid. He goes, and my wife likes the bills paid. He says, but if I could become an entrepreneur, that's my passion. Six months later, he gets into a business and is flourishing now. He said, I could never have done that before. I'd have been too afraid to do it. So the purpose of going through the TIP program is to get to the root of the issues that you've been dealing with. Reset them. Reset your atmospheric conditions. And then the audios are Designed to say, how do I want to do things now? How do I want to communicate? And then it will just do it. So let's look at video number three, because I want to share some stuff. This is the talking about the essence of communication, how important it is.

She may say, you don't tell me enough that you love me. And he may say, my whole life is for you. I work every second for you. My every existence is for you. And she said, but you don't tell me the words I love you. And he's saying, what do you need to know the words for? Don't you see my life, I gotta do more. And this couple could be married for 50 years.

God bless.

And there's a block. They could be talking, but they're missing something. Because the essence of communication is not what you say in the way you speak. The essence of communication is the humility to speak in the way that they hear it.

When you can understand how somebody else hears something and speak not in the way you speak, but in the way they listen, that is the way you can communicate. And you can have a couple, and they're wonderful, God bless them their whole lives, saying, I show you I love you by my action. And she's saying, I want to hear it in the words. And they will stand on ground until one of them says, I speak this way. But that's not communication. If I really want to communicate, I need to speak in the way you hear, not in the way that I speak.

That's really powerful. Have you ever asked your partner or any relationships you're in, how they're hearing you, how they want to be spoken to? Because if you don't, you'll never know. And then you'll miss the mark. It's like you're speaking a different language. And the Zulu tribe, and I love this, this is one of these I. I loved about learning about them. The Zulu tribe have a saying, it's called subana. So when they meet each other on the street, they say subana. And Subana says in their language, I see you.

That's how they say, hello, I see you. And the response back from the other person is yaba subana, which is, I see you seeing me.

That's what people are looking for. That's what relationships are built on. People want to be seen and heard. And if they don't felt, feel like they're seen and they don't feel like they're heard, they're listening, but they're not hearing. And that's the key they can listen to you, but do they hear you? And it's the key to all communication.

By understanding this. And this is one of the things that I. I talk about. So when people say, well, this person did this to me, and this person hurt me, and you talk about how I just need to understand that it couldn't have happened any other way. If you remember in the program, you hear, it couldn't have happened any other way. So my wife, Bridget, could never forgive her father. Everybody told her, you need to forgive him, and then you're going to heal. She wanted to. She tried to. She couldn't get there. The key was to getting to understanding that he couldn't have been any different based on his atmospheric conditions.

So you filter through your atmospheric conditions to produce your thoughts if you've got somebody. And that's what she understood now, is that he must have had some very dark, stormy atmospheric conditions that he filters through to respond to his family. And then he's just a tyrant. Is it okay? Absolutely not. Just because you understand that they had a bad life doesn't mean you're okay with it, doesn't mean we're letting him off the hook. It just means now we understand why they're doing it. Here's the biggest issue with relationships. People take it personally when somebody attacks you. This is why, if you can get to understanding, understanding, you don't need to forgive. You just need to understand that they filtered through their atmospheric conditions that produce the thought to do what they did. Is it okay that they did it? No. Are we letting them off the hook? No, we're understanding it couldn't have been any different based on their atmospheric conditions.

That's how you heal.

Because healing is for you, not for them. You need to heal internally because.

A lot of people who have had trauma, especially in childhood, feel like, what was I doing wrong? What could I have done differently? Or even in a relationship, what did I do wrong? What could I have done better? And it may not have been about you. So often. A lot of people who've gone through the program, when I sit with you, I'll ask you, what does it mean about you that that happened? And a lot of times it'll be, well, you know, I wasn't this, or I didn't do this or I didn't do that. No, it's about them. It's not about you. It's about them and the way they respond to their atmospheric conditions. And so TIP is designed to clear up your atmospheric conditions, not everybody else's.

And that's why, if you remember one of the things I asked you, is it okay for you to be okay?

And then sometimes I have people say, well, no, because everybody else is hurting. Well, when you're okay, everybody you love and care for are better. You're not responsible for them. You're responsible for you. That's why I used the story about Sully Sullenberg, who landed the plane, the Hudson River. And the metaphor in that story is the most remarkable part about the story about him landing the plane in the river was not landing the plane in the river. I didn't know you could do that. I've talked to pilots who said, I didn't know you could land a plane in a river that size. Most remarkable part about the story was how calm he stayed and how he communicated to the crew and to the passengers with that sense. So in a crisis situation, he communicates with his crew to say, here's what I need you to do for the passengers. I'm going to land the plane in the river. Here's what you need to do. He communicated very clearly, very calmly. Then he talked to the passengers and said, here's what I need you to do. I need you to follow the instructions of the crew. Help each other. This is what I'm going to do. And then what did he do? He didn't have to worry about the crew and the passengers because he had communicated what he was going to do. And in this crisis, now he was going to land the plane if he was worried about them. He tips the nose, tips the wing, tips the tail, crashes the plane. 100% of his focus and attention was on landing the plane. And that's the metaphor for your life. Just land your plane. Everything else will take care of itself. If you're staying calm, you're communicating really well.

Everything will get better, but you're not responsible if they don't respond the right way. You can only do what you can do. Does that make sense?

Right. Yes. Maya.

We got a few more questions in. And unfortunately, because we're close to 11, we won't get to all of them. But I think this one is. Is really good. It says, if we were to fix a certain relationship in our lives through better communication and connection, what would be some actionable things we can do right now?

Perfect. Great question. So these are some tips.

When you're communicating with somebody.

Did you hear what they said? So here's one of the ways to do this. Repeat back what you heard. And so the way you can say that is, and. And I do this actually in the sessions because I want to make sure that I'm clear on what I'm hearing. I'll say, I've been listening very carefully and very closely to what you said. Let me share with you what I think I heard. And then you say that back to them, and they may turn around and say, that's not what I said at all. And you'll go, okay, good. So I'm glad. I understand that I didn't hear that properly. Then the next statement is, can you help me to understand what you're trying to tell me and why those words are so powerful is you're taking on the responsibility of hearing it. They didn't make a mistake. They commun. In their mind. They communicated it very clearly. So you're saying is you don't want to say to them, well, you didn't say that. You didn't communicate that the right way. You want to say, help me to understand what I missed or what I didn't hear. That doesn't get them into a position of defense that allows them to then communicate better with you. Help me to understand what I could do. Help me to understand better, because I really want to learn. I really want to understand. And take the time and be patient. You may not like what they tell you, so now you really have to show patience. They may say something that you just didn't like, and they may be even wrong with what you believe they're saying because they could turn around and say, well, you always do this. And that's why I said, that may not be true.

So if you want to improve a relationship, you have to be willing to. To get uncomfortable.

That's a key. Are you willing to get uncomfortable because you may hear things you don't want to hear? You may not like what you're going to hear, but you can't fix something if you don't know what the problem is. So if you communicate, can continually communicate the same way, misinterpreting the language and the communication, you're never going to improve it. You're just going to continue on the same path. So if you want to fix a relationship, you may have to overhaul it. And that's the only way. And that's going to get real uncomfortable because we're creatures of habit, where we like. We don't like uncertainty. The number one fear for the mind is uncertainty. So if you can create certainty, certainty is created through habits and behaviors, what I call codes. So you operate with these codes because it's safe.

It may not be what you want, but your mind sees it as safe. So if you want to break the codes, get uncomfortable and break the codes. And don't be afraid to be vulnerable. That is the biggest thing. Be vulnerable. I. I didn't understand that. I apologize if I've hurt your feelings. Don't be afraid to say those things. Don't be afraid to be open. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable.

Asking for their help is really a key. And be sincere about it as well. Like, just don't say, all right, so, okay, tell me what I did wrong. How's that going to go across? Right? It's not right to say, I really want to know. I really want to understand. Right. And it's the words in the music. So if you listen to the audios, you've heard the audios on words and music, they may be saying this, but the music is different.

So the music may be saying, you can listen. Have you ever listened to a song and then afterwards somebody tells you what the. What the song was all about? You go, oh, I didn't hear that. I just love the tune. So the music is saying one thing. Oh, I really like this music. But the words are bang coming at you hard. And then you hear the words, but don't hear the music. They just may not be a very good communicator.

So listen for the music, because the music is the intent. The music is what they're trying to say. They could be saying, I love you, but the way they say it doesn't come across as I love you. And then you get hurt. So take the time to try to figure out. And there's where the communication comes in. Help me to understand what you're trying to say. And then you can also say, here's what I heard. Right? Was that correct? That's why when you send it back to them, you'll actually get a response from them, and they may say, that's not what I was trying to say at all. Say, oh, good. So I really want to understand what you were trying to tell me. Those are the keys to successful relationships and communication. Maya, you have anything else that you wanted to.

No, I think we're good on the.

Meetup or the webinar portion of it. We did promise the exciting announcements at the beginning.

Show one more video, though. Before we finish, I want to show this one video, video number six.

Okay, so I've got. The gatekeeper has allowed the gate to open. So let's show video number six, and then we'll talk real quick. About it. I love this video though.

University of Pennsylvania did a study, 22 year study, 350,000 people, and they found that a thinking pattern began to emerge over a 22 year period that was what they called predictive of success. So wouldn't you want to know if there was a way you could think that was, it would predict success? What was the thinking pattern? Guess what it was. It was optimism. They, they noticed that the optimistic people, it became a predictor of success. Now here's what's interesting. Two characteristics they found in these optimistic people. One is that they had an unrealistic expectation that they were going to succeed. An unrealistic expectation. And by the way, let me, let me, let me pontificate for a minute. This is an academic studying you, right? They're studying Eric Worre and they're over a 22 year period and they're thinking to themselves because you're telling them, you know, you're, they're doing the study, I'm going to accomplish this and this and all this visionary stuff. And guess what? They're thinking that's unrealistic. Unrealistic to who? To in this case, to them or maybe even unrealistic in the world. But it's not unrealistic to you. You're willing to go for it and chase it. That optimism or that visionary part. Second characteristic is they, they would try new things until they succeeded. So most people persist until it gets hard. They persist until the customer quits. They persist until the team member leaves that team quits. They persist until that point where these, these optimistic, visionary people will say, I'll just persist until I succeed.

I love that. Because it's the same thing with relationships. If you really want to make something work, be optimistic about it working and don't quit. If that's an important relationship for you, fight for it. Do whatever you have to do to make it work and be optimistic that you can make it work. And if you carry that optimism, it's contagious, contagious in the relationship.

And then so if you sit down and the other person is like, you don't do this. You never do this. You never do this. All right, you want to fix it, let's do it. Right? I'm throwing in all the chips, let's go. Let's do it and be optimistic about it and make it work. Whether that's business or relate, we're talking about relationships here. So that's really what I'm sort of putting it to. But it also applies in business, right? You Want to be successful, be optimistic, and don't quit.

So, Maya, back to what you we wanted to finish up with. We're right on the time. So.

Am I sharing it? Are you sharing it?

Go ahead. I won't.

All right, so there are some new audios that. They're not new audios. They're the same audios, but we have now added a new technique to it. It's a surround sound. So when you listen to the audios, right, it sounds like it's going all around and it's a really different way. So it's a new way to listen to the audios. I'd love for you guys to try them out, see what you think about them, if you like them, right. And then on the next webinar that we do, I'd love to hear your feedback on what you think of them. So far, what we've had is people seem to really like them, but it's a small group that we've been testing it with. But it's just a different way to hear them. So those would be. They're available now, right, Maya?

Correct. So these are your regular tip audios, the original 30 that you went through when you completed our program or the four hour session. They are in your Kajabi app. I hope that everybody here has the app on their phone. If not, download it on the app store, get in with your usual tip credentials, and then we want. I would love to get all your feedback, but I also want to ask Dr. Wood, aside from this sounding extremely cool, because I was one of the testers and it kind of feels like he's moving all around your head. Tell us a little bit what it does to our brain and why are these, aside from cool, so good for us?

Well, the. What I like about this is the. The original videos or audios that you listen to have binaural beats. And they're all designed to calm the brain down into a restorative mindset, which is great. Binaural beats are basically just calming the mind into an alpha brainwave state. But by having the sound going all around really gets the mind to have to focus even faster. So it moves you faster into that alpha brainwave state because the mind is now starting to go. Because binaural beats are changing the frequencies in the ears. This is now not only changing the frequencies, that's designed. Binaural beats are designed to make the mind focus because if you got 10 hertz in one ear and 4 hertz in the other ear, it's going to calibrate it at 7. And then the brain will equalize the sound at 7. That's alpha. But now what it's also doing is saying, where's this coming from? And it starts to try to focus now on where this sounds. So it's like a surround sound. So it just speeds up the process. So I'd love to get your feedback and tell me what you think. The first time I heard it, I just. I loved it. So it was. It was really cool. And we're going to try to get more of the audios in that surround sound. And you don't have to. You can listen to either way. The other thing is, and I don't know if we've announced it, but we're going to have our own app with all the audio. So now you won't have to use Kajabi. It'll just be your own. Our own app that you'll have everything on. And that's just being finalized. Probably in trouble now because I said it right, Maya, you're going to say you're not supposed to tell anybody until it's finished.

Exactly. That was not the second thing. But.

No, that wasn't the second thing.

Yeah, that's coming soon. It's going to be extra exciting. But so just to repeat, your audios are within your tip audios, 30 days of audios, the original stuff you went through. Test them out in the surround. Let us know what you think. And then the second major update is, I don't know how many of you were on our previous webinar when we announced a couple's retreat that we're hosting. After that webinar, we got a lot of messages, a lot of phone calls, emails, asking about whether we would host something like this specifically for couples. So we decided to do that, to organize a TIP couples retreat where we'll do exactly things that we covered today. Talk about connection communication, improving these through our tip program so your relationship can excel. I will add the link into the chat here so you can all check it out. But it's happening in October, October 18th to 20th. And take a look. Let us know if any of you are interested. As always, you guys have the first, you know, access to everything that we're building and creating. New. This hasn't been announced anywhere yet. So the first crew to know is literally, you guys have to call. Then I'm going to email this to the inspired Nurse Circle. If you are very close partners, it will not be advertised anywhere else because we want this to be really exclusive.

And if you just even want to come on your own and learn, that's fine as well. So either way, it works either way. So if you can't make it as a couple, you can at least come and learn a lot more things and techniques and how to do stuff. So it's open to anybody who wants to come, and we're offering it first to our own inner circle if anybody wants to come.

Well, thank you again. We went a little over today, and I always try to keep it on time. Any. Anybody have anything else that they want to ask before we finish or we're good till next time.

Oh, very good. Thanks, everybody. Have a great month until we see you next time. Take care.

Thank you.

Great session. Have fun and be well. You, too.