Unshakeable: How to Build Resilience and Stay Calm in Any Situation

And Doc, we're ready for your magic.

Awesome. Well, I'm out here. It seems like every time we have one of these, I'm traveling. So either we've got a really good, really bad travel plan, or I just like getting out of town. I don't know what it is. So I'm in Phoenix here until Saturday. So I let my and Brandon know ahead of time just in case. If I freeze up, it may be because of the connection out here. I'm not in my place. So if all of a sudden I looked like I went blank, that's what happened. So resilience is a, is a big one for me. I really love talking about resilience. And I, and I talk about it from my own life perspective. You know, I look at my dad. My dad was an incredibly resilient person. I've never really probably met anybody. He was the inspiration. I mean, for me, talking about resilience, he, he was born in, in England. He grew up there, but got very sick as a child and was constantly sick. And they sent him to Canada. That's how he ended up in Canada because he constantly had asthma, bronchitis, and they thought they would send him to British Columbia. I don't know what they were thinking that that would be better, but that's where they sent him. And he loved Canada, never wanted to go back. And his father disowned him because of it and he wanted him to come back. They were all lawyers, attorneys there. And he basically just never talked to his dad again. And so amazing considering because, you know, my life story, how incredible how he changed my life, right? By being the opposite and being very there for us. But he was sick my entire life. I don't ever remember him not being sick. And he went to work regardless whether he was sick or not. He had a bad back, he had arthritis, he had all kinds of things. And yet every single day, never missed a day at work. And I tell the story a number of times. It was sort of.

I remember I had a hockey game one night and I had had like a flu. I still played, I played in the game. And the next morning I was still not. Was throwing up. And I come out of, I come out of the, the bedroom and I've got my, my books and I'm going to school. My mom said to me, she says, oh my gosh, you're going to school. She says, I didn't think you're going to go today. And I said, oh yeah, I got too much to do at school. And she Said to me, she says, there's the best compliment I ever got. She says, you're just like your father. And, and she was in a very positive, like, you have an obligation, you're going to take it.

Right?

That's what he said and that's what he always did. So he led us by example. And, and I joke that there was a. In grade nine, when we had orientation to go into grade nine, one of the things that they talked about is they have an award if anybody doesn't miss a day of school. All the way through high school, you get an award. And you have to know me that you just put a. An award up there, I'm going after it. And so the award was, you can't miss a day of school. You have to have perfect attendance. And I got it. I just never missed a day. And it was that mentality that my dad really had that I think sort of helped me understand it and get there. And that's again, why I wasn't going to miss a day. So that, to me, is what resilience is, is all about, is in spite of. And then one of the things that I have said is it's easy to be resilient when you're not afraid. And that was for me. So I. Even though I feel I'm a very resilient person, it was easy for me because I didn't have the things that my dad had dealt with. He was far more resilient. So if I can ask myself whether or not what's my score? I'd probably say a 9 as well. But if I compared myself to my dad, I would say I'm a three, because I mean that he's the toughest guy I ever met. And so I love that he was able to do all that and he took care of his family. My mom was pretty much the same, but my mom was never sick, so she was always sort of healthy all her life. So what is resiliency? And if I had to put it in maybe one word, I would say it's the ability to adapt to the environment. So if you're. If you're put into an environment, can you adapt? How resilient are you? So you could be in a job that you hate, but you do a great job. That's resiliency. So the person who gets into a job they hate and then just goes through the motions, that may not be what I would consider resilient. Always my belief, and this is the way I was raised, always perform at your highest level, regardless that, again, is another definition of resiliency. So do everything at 100%.

So we have a quiz that we want to show you. And the idea behind this quiz is just to sort of market honestly and what you think you would score. And it's just to get an idea of. We got two of them, but this is the first one. So, Maya, do you want to show the first one?

Absolutely. And I have to say, when we were preparing for the webinar and discussing resiliency, I was completely blown away when you said.

You cannot be resilient if you're afraid. And it got me thinking about all the kids and how much parents are talking about building the resiliency in their kids. And, like, it's a huge movement and question among parents today, but I've never heard it that you cannot. You know, it comes from the safety. It comes from, like, you can't be resilient if you have. Don't have a safe landing.

Yeah.

Okay, awesome. So we have a little quiz. As promised. I'm going to show you questions here, and then, doc, you can walk them through this and how this all works.

So the idea is to come up with an event in your life that you can remember that was sort of difficult. This is a difficult event. Doesn't have to be a traumatic event. This could just be something, you know, a. A bad business deal, something went wrong or something, a family relationship. So the idea is, at the time of the event, what did you experience? And you rate it from 0 to 10. So if you were angry, right. You're going to like, did you feel anger? Did you feel fear? Did you only pick one? What was the dominant emotion? Was it anger, fear, or anxiety? And then rate it. So if you say probably of the three of those, I would. I would say anger, but I really wasn't really angry. I give myself a one or a two. Or if you say anger was the response and I was furious, market as a 10. Or fear, was your response to that experience, again, rated from 0 to 10 or anxious 0 to 10, but only rate one of them.

So, for example, if I was in a car crash, which I was, but like, let's say that's an example, my dominant emotion could have been fear, and it would probably been a 10. Right?

Right.

Yep.

Okay, good. So that is our number one question. Let's everybody grade yourself. Pick an emotion, anger, fear, and anxiety related to this event, and then give yourself a score.

You've done that. Raise your hand and I'll see here that I can continue.

Hands Are going up. Awesome.

So now this is after the event. How are you dealing with the event? Did you get depressed? Right. If not at all, rate it as a zero. If you were depressed for maybe a week or less than a week, mark it between a 1 and a 2. If it was up to a month but less than a month, rate it between three and five. If you were depressed for three or three to six months anywhere, but you rate yourself between five and 10, and if it's still ongoing and you're still feeling depressed about that, mark it as a 10.

So which one of those apply and then score it?

Let's do again. When you're done giving yourself a score, raise your hand so I know we can move on.

Cool.

So now this is when you think about the event. Like, how often do you think about it? Every day, rate it between 5 and 10. If it's something that's just continuing to go on, if it's periodically it comes up, you can score yourself anywhere between a 3 and a 5. If it comes up when someone reminds you of it, how intense is it? If it's not very intense at all, when somebody reminds you of it, to zero. If it's really intense, when they remind you it may be a five or you just don't think about the event anymore, then you'd rate it as zero.

Anthony already has his hand up. Thank you. Thank you. Loving the signal.

Okay, you were the. You were the teacher's pet, weren't you, Anthony? You're the favorite in the class.

Okay, so the next question here is. In my mind, the issue was resolved. If it was really quickly, it's going to be a zero. So if you sort of got over it real quick, give yourself a zero. If it sort of took a year, within one year, it can still be a zero. If it wasn't really dominating you and it sort of went away, anywhere between a 0 and a 3. If it took over a year, anywhere between a 3 and a 5. If it took more than five years before you felt it was resolved, an 8 and 10. And if it's still unresolved, give yourself a 10.

Okay, and then we have a final question.

Now score yourself this way. If that event made you less resilient, then mark your or. So this is if. If it made you less resilient, you disagree that it did not make you less resilient. Resilient. You give yourself a zero. If you stayed where you were. If you somewhat agree that it made you less resilient, it's between a three And a five. And if you definitely became less resilient because of it, mark yourself anywhere from a 5 to a 10.

Okay, time for calculators and getting your final score. And now I would love to see that score in the chat before we tell you what it means. So calculate your final number, sum it all up, and share it in the chat. Where have you landed in this first quiz? What's your number?

Jeff is on 25.

Anthony's an 8.

Nice.

Kristen is a 7. Pam 19. Karina 28. Teresa is 9. And Mark is 32.

We have ranges. Jen is 33.

Jamie is 19.

Leslie did it for three events. That's awesome. Her scores are 47, 45, 28.

There's the teacher's pet. There you go.

Called optimizing the opportunity, you know, like, do it right now. We're here to. To grow together. Denise, 22. Okay, Doc, so what are the numbers telling us?

So now what I want you to do is look back at what you originally said your Resiliency fitness score is and take a look. So let's look at the total numbers anyway. So there's a total in there on that next slide. So you want to score low. Obviously, the lower their score, the better.

Right? So for this one, we just have a little list of the scores.

The lower the better.

Screen share.

So what's. What's interesting on this, though, is this is one event. So this may have been the event that you came up with, may have been something that you still want to do a little bit of work on. If you scored fairly high on it, it doesn't mean that you don't feel like you're resilient. But this particular event. That's why I asked you to come up with just one event. When we first talked, it was, what's your overall score? So you could still feel like you're an 8 or a 9, but this event seems to be something that is maybe still in your way. Or if you had a really low overall score and you had a low score, like 0 to 5 or 5 to 10, you're pretty resilient, pretty hard to come up with 0. It really is for anybody, let's face it. I mean, obviously it would be great to be if everybody was a zero, but then you probably would just be, you know, not very engaged in life. Life keeps coming at us. So it's not a good or a bad. It's not a right or a wrong. It's just sort of to start looking at what you can do to improve or what Kinds of things are still the event. For example, the event that you picked, let's just say it was a personal event, you know, a relationship event, then what you may want to do is start taking a look at how are you handling relationships. Maybe that's something that you need to focus on or get better at, or this just may be one big event that happened. But everything else, you're pretty resilient. So it's not to be critical of yourself. It's just to sort of give yourself a chance to look at everything and see where you stand. One event still needs some work. Overall, I'm still really good. So we have the resiliency audios in the the Tip Today app. So I always encourage people to go back in there and listen to stories about people who have been resilient. Because that sort of motivation, when you hear stories because you think, wow, I'm pretty resilient. And then, you know, I. If I said, you know, how resilient am I? I'm going to come up with a nine. And then you say, oh, tell me about your dad. All of a sudden I'm like, oh, yeah, okay, that was the real resilient guy, right? I feel resilient, but I didn't have his life. So my high nine is based on my life. And so. And that's fine, and that's good. So it's good that I feel good and resilient at a 9. I look at his life and I go, wow, for him, I would give him probably a 9 or a 10. So it's all relative. It's the same thing with trauma. So when people say to me, oh, you know, I never really had any trauma, or, you know, I hear about some of these cases that you guys work on, you know, like Boston Marathon, you know, bombing, stuff like that. I never had anything like that. It's all relative. The same way this resiliency is relative. So you may have had a setback in your life that really has a big impact on you. Take a look at the event that you just chose and make a decision on where that sort of fits in and rate yourself based on that.

So that's the webinar. We'll give you a few tips on how we can build this skill, because resiliency, as we always say, is a skill. And no matter where you are currently on the scale, it can be improved. And there are specific action items you can take to help yourself become more resilient or help those around you become more resilient. Speaking of surroundings, Doc, you Shared an incredible new study that just came out that talks about the importance of the stability of our environment. The famous marshmallow test.

Yeah, actually, it was done a little while ago, but it was still. The marshmallow test was done quite a few years ago. Has everybody heard that story where what they did is. It's a study. They took children. I think they had 90 children in the study. And what they said is, we're going to give you one marshmallow now, or we'll give you two marshmallows if you wait 15 minutes. And so they studied. It's who took the marshmallow right away. And then the kids that were willing to wait and get the two marshmallows from that study. And there was a big study. They actually wrote a book on it and everything. It became pretty well known. What they said was the kids that took one marshmallow.

Not be as successful.

As people.

Can you hear me?

You lose me. Okay. All right, so go back.

We're. We're back to. Yeah. Understand her experiment.

Yeah. So the children, what they did is they studied them over about, I think it was 25 years. The children that took the one marshmallow tended, on average, not everyone, but on average, tended not to be as successful. And the kids who were willing to wait for the two marshmallows tended to have more success in their life. So what they established was willpower is a great factor in determining success. And so, as you guys know, a lot of the stuff that I do when I work with people with addiction, what I say to them, it's not about willpower. I'm not a big person believing that willpower is. And so this new experiment they did, they increased the number of children in the study, and they did the exact same study. And this was, I believe, in 2012, that they did it. And so they took 900 children, did the exact same thing. But now they looked at all the factors, and what they realized is it wasn't about willpower. The children that were willing to wait had a much more stable environment that they were living in. And so they didn't get broken promises. They didn't get lied to. There was an abundance in their life. They knew that if they waited, they're probably going to get the second marshmallow. But the kid who had very little. Right. Was like, I'm grabbing the one now. Right. That was the world they were growing up in. It wasn't about their ability to wait.

So I just love Theresa's expression. I could totally see this getting Incorporated into Bright Heart learning.

Yeah. So the, the key to that whole test was to say the kids that are having. And I give myself and Bridget, I use the two of us. And this is sort of a great example is I grew up with all of this nurturing and love and, and sort of about. My parents weren't rich, so I'm not saying that our. We didn't have everything we ever wanted, but I never remember there being a scarcity like of food or something that we needed or clothes. Right. We didn't have an abundance of everything, but it was always there and food seemed to be always there. And when I met Bridget, she was blown away by that because she said, like they had six kids and when groceries came in the house, it was like a scavenger, like jumping on whoever could get the food. I mean, they're feeding six kids, so there wasn't an abundance. She was so impressed by coming to my house and seeing, you know, cupboards full of food and pantries and all of that kind of stuff. She never had that as a kid. And so the same thing came down to if I said to. You said to her, you know, I got you this really nice present for, for your birthday. Oh my gosh, what is it? Is, is it something I would wear? She couldn't stop asking me about it. She was determined to try to find out what it was because she was used to being disappointed. So you could say, oh, I bought you a present, but you're not going to get it for six months. I'd never ask you again. I was fine. I'd wait the six months. Was that willpower or discipline? No, it was my environment. I knew it's coming. I wasn't worried that wasn't going to show up. Right. But the kids growing up in that world where, okay, tomorrow it's going to be better, or they're constantly promised things, sometimes with the best of intentions, and then the parents can't deliver. That kid's going to take the one marshmallow. Of course he would, because he doesn't know whether or not the second one's even going to come. They've been let down so many times. So the reason I wanted to point that out is again, there comes into resiliency. Right. The environment that you're growing up in is going to determine your resiliency. But my resiliency was easy to develop. And it's not that I didn't have some disappointments and things like that, but I always knew that I was safe and I always knew That I was loved. And I always knew that tomorrow there's going to be breakfast on the table and there's going to be whatever I needed. So when you look back at your life and obviously this is what we do with our whole program tip is talk about that. Those experiences in your life are going to continue to run through.

Your mind to produce your thoughts on how you operate now. So I just thought. I wanted to share that because I thought it was really fascinating, the changes. So anybody have any questions on it or any thoughts on it?

Yes, there is.

Okay.

I am blown away by finally hearing science that backs up this. All of your work, all of our work, it's to actually have studies that validate what we're seeing. It makes so much sense because when.

You did the first half of the.

Story, I was like, oh, yeah, I've heard this before. Willpower definitely contributes. Right. But then you do the second part, and my mind is blown this morning.

I.

So, so good.

Yeah. And that's exactly what we're talking about in, in these cases. So as long as those experiences, it's really coming down to your environment that you're growing up in is going to determine how you respond. It doesn't mean that they're not disciplined. They could certainly be disciplined and still take one marshmallow. They could certainly have willpower and take one marshmallow. It was just basically on their experiences. So all of those experiences will have a major effect.

What about. You mentioned the really interesting point in terms of resiliency and honestly, other character traits are like, skills, and that is labeling. How do we deal with labeling and resiliency? Or like, where does this power of words fit in here?

It's, there's. There's a famous study done back, and it was in the 70s again, Dr. Rosenhan, he did a. A study on the psychiatric world. So what he did is he got eight other people, including himself, to admit themselves into a psychiatric ward. And so they basically, basically said that they feigned schizophrenia. So they all determined that they were going to go in, get evaluated, and they really only had. They just said they heard voices and so. And they all had the same story. So they heard voices, and it was a repetitive voice. So they got admitted into the psychiatric ward. So they all get admitted in there. And so as soon as they get in, what they were told to do then is act normal. Don't start acting like you have schizophrenia. Just act normal. And the thing that's fascinating about it is that the staff that were doing all the reports on Them basically had them already labeled. So they saw all their normal behaviors through the lens of them being schizophrenic. So whatever they were doing fit the label. So they were writing that these people are pacing a lot. Well, they had nothing to do. They're just walking around. They're pa so they're saying they're pacing. They were taking a lot of notes. So the, the staff were reporting that these people are very paranoid. They're writing everything down. They were viewing everything through the lens of schizophrenia. And when they kept saying they felt like they should be released, they were, they discussed that these people are delusional. And that was sort of the idea behind it was to prove. And so the average stay, the shortest day was 19 days. The longest day was 52 days before they got out. And what was really fascinating is the staff never ever picked up on the fact that they were fake. But the patients did.

The patients were saying, you're not crazy, right? So the patients were picking up on it. But the staff are trained, right, to see what they're told to see. And this is why I'm so big in what we've got to stop labeling these people. Oh, you've got this, you've got that right. It's not necessarily accurate, but it just shows you how the bias comes in when you say to somebody that this is what they've got. Now here's the other thing is, after that experiment, one of the hospitals that it rocked the psychiatric world because they were saying, you know, now what do you trust? And so one hospital put this doctor to the test and said, okay, now that we know that you did that, we dare you to do it again, right? And you send in the people, do the same kind of thing, and we'll be able to pick it up this time. We know that. We'll be able to pick it up and we'll know which one was the fake. So they did the same thing. So what they did is all the evaluations that were coming in the hospital, I think came up with 41 people that they thought were fake that were coming into their hospital. The doctor sent no one.

Now, they were looking for the opposite of who was faking it. And nobody came in. The doctor didn't send in one person. So he didn't try to fake them out at all. But they were looking for the fake now, and they determined that 41 of them were the fakes.

I think it was 150 or something that came in. So you see what you're looking for.

So as long as we start continuing to label kids and label people with these things, we're going to see what we want to see. And not only that, the way you talk to yourself, I'm this. Right. And so what we're doing with addiction is basically saying.

You'Re not an addict, you experience symptoms of addiction, you had the symptoms of addiction. However you've recovered, you're not in recovery. I've never liked the AANA model. I, I respect what they do and I respect their passion and mission, but I don't like the idea that they've labeled somebody that for the rest of your life you're an addict. Because just listening to that, doesn't that make sense? That if I tell you you're an addict and you'll be an addict for the rest of your life, how are you going to view it and how's everybody going to view you? You're an addict. So we've got to get rid of that constant addiction and the way that we're labeling people.

Is that Sunny?

Yes. I, I can't, I don't know how to raise my hand, but this has been really interesting. Glad I was able to join. I'm joining from Ireland, so it's almost 4 o'. Clock. Anyway.

This is called cognitive bias in the legal arena. And they realize that when they're collecting evidence in a, in a case and a person's accused of something that they actually try to find what proves what they think they're looking for rather than, you know, being neutral. So this is a big problem in many areas. And also I'm so glad that you object to the, to using these labels because we work with people that are always labeled as having.

What do you call that that you helped us with, you know, from trauma, post traumatic stress, ptsd. Right. And as soon as you tell somebody, oh, you have ptsd, they're like, oh, okay, that's what I have. And you know, that's it. They, they actually accept the label themselves and, and become that. And it's, it's very.

It'S very non productive, not helpful to use these labels. The other thing though, I did not know about the follow up to that study. I've known about a lot of people didn't and that was terrific. The insight really, it's really your product. So much of your environment, it's not necessarily about willpower and we've noticed that so much that.

Children who are brought up in a, in a stable home, you know, where they are loved and provided for, do so much better than the ones that went into care or the foster system or, you know, group homes. So much better. And I guess that's because they have the support and they have the knowledge that what they need will be provided. It's not like you have to grab it while you can. And. And that's something actually I had to get over in my own life was that. That I call it deprivation mentality.

Right.

That, you know, if something comes along, it might not come along again, so you better grab it. You know, I'm not going to wait till you say, I'll get another one in 15 minutes. No way. You know, I'm going to get it now because it might not come back in 15 minutes. And so that was very interesting insight. I really was impressed with that.

I'm so glad to see you, Sunny. For the people who don't know who Sonny is, Sunny spent, what, 17 years on death row and incarcerated for a crime, murder that she didn't commit. Her husband was executed on death row. And there's been stories done on you and plays done. And Sonny went through our program a number of years ago. We met her through the Innocence Project. And I know Anthony's on here as well. Amazing organization and what Sonny's doing to help people who were incarcerated, wrongfully accused, doing amazing work. You got the Sunny center down in Tampa and then seeing people in Ireland who are coming in who have just changing lives. And Sunny is probably. Her name is absolutely true. She is. Considering what she's gone through, she still has this sunny belief in life and everything else. So it's amazing story, and I love that you came in and shared here today, and it's always been just an honor to work with you.

And.

And I'm so glad that we had an impact on your life as well.

You did indeed. And. And on others, too, because you worked with a number of people that we had here that were suffering from ptsd. And immediately, I mean, that very night, they. I slept. I slept for the first time. I slept through the night. And it had an immediate impact, which was great. And of course, I took it myself first because I had to make sure it was okay.

Yes. And we've had an ongoing relationship ever since, and going through your program was very helpful to me. When I came down to Florida.

Well, I'll tell you, this was perfect. I didn't know you were coming on. But if we. If we label this thing resilience, there it is.

Well, that's. I had.

I can. If I had a mic, I'd drop it Right now, it's perfect. The perfect example of resilience.

And, you know, Peter passed away. It's two years ago now, and that has really been a test for me.

Yeah.

Been a big test. Yes. Trying to keep everything going because, you know, when you're a team, you share the work. And I'm good at some things, and he's good at some things, and now I have to do the things I'm not so good at. So it has been definitely a test of resilience. And I found myself really tested. Really tested. Just because you come through something before doesn't mean that, you know, it's going to be a snap the next time you have to work.

You met Peter. Peter. You married Peter, and Peter was also incarcerated. You met Peter through. After, you know, you went through everything and lost your husband, and then you met Peter and married Peter, and he became, you know, your new partner going through this. And he was also incarcerated. Right. Wrongfully and almost executed.

Yes. Yes. Which was amazing that we both met. I think we're still the only actual couple that were both wrongly convicted and sentenced to death and.

Then exonerated. So, yeah.

Yeah. It's hard to believe it's been two years. But again, nothing would surprise me about your resilience, Sunny. So I know you absolutely go through it, and what an inspiration to come on here and share this.

Thank you. It's a pleasure to be able to do it.

Really. Yeah. No, I'm so glad. I didn't know you were coming on.

So, yeah, I did register, but it was late, I think. Anyway, it's great to be able to share with you. Continue to share with you.

Awesome.

Yeah. Thank you.

Well, thank you so much. All right. What a treat. What a treat.

We have another question. Hand in the air, Rita.

Okay.

Yeah. It's kind of hard to speak after that.

That was.

Yeah, I read. I listened to her story online on your website, too. I was just going to say some people do feel relief after they get a label or a diagnosis because they finally can hang their hat on how they were feeling, you know, know, for so long, and. And everybody was saying, nothing's wrong with you, or. And they couldn't get a good perspective on what they were feeling. So sometimes, I mean, I don't think a label is great at all, but sometimes it helps people get direction on what to do, and then they might also hang on to it for a little too long. But I do know people who feel better after knowing, you know, if it's PTSD or whatever it is. So they can get some help.

No, that's a good point, Rita.

Right.

Yeah.

Because sometimes people are just important is that we take that as diagnosis of a symptom rather than a mark or a trait of your. Who you are or character.

Yeah.

Like, Dr. Always talks about like, anxiety is a symptom, addiction is a symptom. Like whatever the label or diagnosis that was given, it's not something that we have to embrace as this is who.

We are as a self identity. Yeah, I get that you don't want to identify with it. And also there's a. There's a belief system that, you know, if it happened in the past, it's the past. You know, and each day is a new day. You know, you clean the slate and start again. It's kind of hard to do when there was a major trauma, but if you can accomplish that and just leave it in the past as something that happened and it's over, you know, that's. It's a good practice. I think it's a difficult one, but there is that.

Cool. So we have another question. Is it Tony?

Yes.

Oh, Tony, you're still on mute. Can you just unmute your mic real quick?

Yep.

Sorry about that. So we work with the. Actually we just got an agreement with working with the prison system. And one of the things that's really ingrained in them is that whole thing, I'm in long term recovery. They introduce themselves, I'm in long term recovery and stuff like that. What's your suggestions on flipping that. That mentality to, you know, state that I was, you know, having a problem and a struggle and now I'm moving forward. But for them, it's so ingrained that to say I'm in long term recovery because I I 100. If we're constantly saying I'm in.