5 Emotional States Behind Every Dismissal (And How to Respond)

So what do you do when somebody invalidates you? The first thing you need to do is read them, not the situation. Stop focusing on what they said and ask, "What are they feeling right now?" 5 states almost always drive emotional invalidation, and one or more of them are present when it happens to you. People are defensive—they feel like you're blaming them for something. They're overwhelmed—your emotional intensity is more than they can handle. They're afraid—vulnerability and conflict trigger their own threat response. Frustrated—they want to fix it, they can't, and dismissal is the release valve. And finally, they feel powerless—they helpless. Your emotions make them feel helpless, and dismissal restores their control. Your response to emotional invalidation is very simple. Once you identify it, reflect back their feelings with a "you" statement. What you don't want to do is what most people recommend, which is use "I" statements. You don't want to say, "I feel hurt when you say that." You don't want to say, "I just want you to understand how I feel." Those are triggering statements, and they're taken as blame, not as an attempt to understand. You do want to say something like, "You're overwhelmed and don't know what to do with this." "You're frustrated because you want to help and you can't." Keep it short, and entirely about them.