Doug Noll teaches fathers four levels of listening to connect with upset kids. Mirroring and paraphrasing often backfire when a child is highly emotional. His deeper techniques, Core Messaging and Affect Labeling, can calm an angry child in 90 seconds and build real gratitude.
Chapters
I'm Doug Noll, and I want to talk about the 4 levels of reflective listening. You've probably heard about the first 2 levels, mirroring and paraphrasing, but you and I both know that when we're really upset and angry and somebody tries to mirror us, just repeat back the words that we're speaking, or paraphrasing in their own words what we're trying to say, all we do is get angrier and angrier, and we even feel disrespected because we don't feel heard. So, I developed over the years two deeper levels of reflective listening: Core Messaging and Affect Labeling. When you use Core Messaging and Affect Labeling on your children when they're really emotional, amazing things start to happen. The first thing that happens is your child will quiet down from anger or frustration or rage or sadness in less than 90 seconds. It's really amazing to watch. The second thing that's going to happen is that your child is going to feel so deeply connected to you and so grateful that you were able to listen in a very deep, meaningful way, that your child will be connected to you in ways that you could not ever possibly imagine before. These are very powerful skills. I've developed them over many years of practice as a mediator and a peacemaker, and now I want to share them with dads because I believe dads have the most influence on their children. So, if this is something that you think you might find interesting, check it out. How to become a great dad in 90 seconds.
