Dysfunctional Teams

I've worked with teams, business partners, and family businesses who were literally at each other's throats. And what I've seen are 3 dysfunctions: people don't feel heard, people don't feel respected, people don't feel safe. I've watched business teams shout, insult each other, talk over each other, make fun of each other, use sarcasm. Bully the weakest members, or just retreat into silence, just like they did when they were kids. And I am never surprised. Think about it. Family therapist and psychologist Virginia Satir once said 96% of families are emotionally dysfunctional. For example, many parents believe that children should be seen and not heard. It's okay for Mom or Dad to be angry, but it's not okay for children to be angry. In fact, angry children are sent away from the dinner table. It's not okay in many families for a child to express emotions or needs or desires. Children are punished for feeling. They are emotionally invalidated. Children are expected to be obedient and respectful even when their parents are not required to be respectful of them. When you grow up in a culture or household where emotions are evil and bad, and you see emotions causing fights, you cower in fear. Emotions are dangerous. Imagine as a kid when you hear two people who are the most fundamental persons in your life arguing and fighting and making you feel unsafe. Imagine what that does to a kid. Do you learn how to resolve disagreements peacefully? No way! When you grow up in a cruel hypocrisy where you're expected to obey while you're not respected yourself, do you learn to respect yourself enough to respect others? No way! When you're ashamed for having feelings, do you develop healthy emotional skills? No way! You do the opposite to avoid the hurt and pain of emotion. You see, when you tell a child's brain the story long enough, it doesn't become a story anymore. It becomes a belief. And so children form beliefs that emotions are bad, painful, and hurtful. They shut down, they numb out, and they become emotionally unavailable. It's the only way they can protect themselves. They disrespect themselves, feeling deep shame and worthlessness, covered up, of course, by becoming a perfectionist or a pleaser, or an overachiever, an addict, or deeply self-absorbed. And this is how the Imposter Syndrome is created. And here's what's even worse: they are completely unconscious about their inner shame. As a consequence, dysfunctional families produce dysfunctional adults. When your team members grow up in homes where emotions are evil, or bad, or irrational, or weak, and they see their parents arguing and fighting instead of calmly working through any disagreements, do you think your people will be emotionally mature? No way! As developmental psychologist Gordon Neufeld describes it, they become emotionally stuck. They are children living in adult bodies. They associate emotion with danger, evil, and weakness, even though to be mature means mastery over emotions. Not suppression or repression. They have never become emotionally competent, and those dysfunctional people bring all of their dysfunction to work, which is why there are dysfunctional teams. I've learned that there is an antidote. The antidote is you, the leader. When you know the real secret to creating safety, deep listening, and respect, The dysfunction goes away almost overnight because your team members unconsciously crave emotional validation and will do almost anything to get it. I've been working with dysfunctional teams, family businesses, and business organizations for over 20 years. My work is based on neuroscience and on decades of fieldwork that has sometimes carried me into the darkest places on the planet. Maximum security prisons and into the lofty purchase of the government, the Congressional Budget Office. I'm a very rare breed. I'm a lawyer turned peacemaker, and I've specialized in helping leaders turn dysfunctional teams into high-performance teams. And I've turned down assignments where the dysfunction started at the top and the leaders didn't want to grow or change. The secret is learning how to listen people into existence. And the secret to that is learning how to listen to emotions instead of words. When you master this skill, you'll learn that emotions are power. Emotions are what people care about. Emotions motivate people. And emotions make people cooperate and collaborate. Emotions spur creativity and imagination. And emotions create trust, loyalty, and dedication. The new insight is that none of this is possible with rational thinking. The leadership skills that you thought would be effective aren't and never have been. For you to lead a team out of dysfunction, you must become emotionally competent, and I can show you how.