Doug NollI'm called in when human dynamics are getting in the way of strategic leadership execution.

Every Fight You've Ever Had Is About ONE Thing (And 2 Words Fix It)

14 Apr 2026 · 1 min

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A mediator describes a divorce case where Susan and John had spent $50,000 fighting over $18,000 in assets. Instead of standard listening techniques, the mediator had them name each other's feelings for 3.5 hours. John told Susan, "That's the first time you've listened to me in 25 years," and they settled and left holding hands.

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I was mediating a case in Santa Barbara, $18,000 in controversy between two ex-spouses. They had spent over $50,000 trying to destroy each other. They didn't dislike each other, they despised each other. And what I tried changed everything. Instead of having them listen to the words, I had them name each other's feelings. And for 3.5 hours, I coached them back and forth. And as they did that, Susan's voice went from acid to neutral. John's raging stopped and he quieted down and started breathing slowly. And at the end, with tears streaming down his face, John looked across the table at Susan and said, said, "That's the first time you've listened to me in 25 years." They settled the case and walked out holding hands. You know, that line still gives me chills. "That's the first time you've listened to me in 25 years." Listening isn't what we were taught. It's not about staying calm or using "I" statements. It was something completely different.