Doug NollI'm called in when human dynamics are getting in the way of strategic leadership execution.

Fight The Urge To Fix Things

22 Jan 2026 · 2 min

Watch on YouTube

2:07

This content was created by Doug Noll. This content was uploaded by Doug Noll. This is a YouTube video titled "Fight The Urge To Fix Things" (created 2026-01-22) containing a short conversational excerpt in which Doug Noll speaks with another participant (labelled SPEAKER A, who addresses “Marnie”). Doug Noll provides interpersonal/counseling advice about resisting the impulse to fix others' problems—especially a parent's urge to fix an adult child's distress—recommending affect labeling, holding a safe space, and allowing the child to process emotions before problem solving. The excerpt reads like an advice/counseling segment between two speakers.

Marnie, it's everybody. It's everybody.
And let's explain why we have an urge to fix. It comes down to something very fundamental. You're trying to soothe your own anxiety around your daughter's distress, and what your brain is unconsciously telling you is that if I can fix this problem for her her distress will go away and I won't feel anxious anymore. Yeah, that's right. And this is a problem many, many, many people face. They go to immediate problem solving to soothe their own anxiety. And there are a couple things to think about. Number one, it's not your problem to solve. It's her problem. She's an adult. She can figure it out if she wants or not. Number 2, all you can do is hold a safe space for her to process her emotions, and you can't solve her problems. And if you try to solve her problems, you're just going to make matters worse. As you know, it happens every single time. So you're not doing it to fix her, you're doing it to soothe yourself. So there's a better way to soothe yourself than to try to fix things, and that is to affect label. When you affect label, you're in a place of total equanimity and calm and peace. You are helping your daughter process her own emotions in a very positive, healthy, co-creative way. And once she has processed all of these emotions— and it might take a number of phone calls for her to do this— she's now going to be in a place where she feels emotionally safe enough with you to start talking about problem solving, and she will solve her own problems. But she's so ramped up emotionally, her prefrontal cortex is completely offline. There's no way she can solve her problems right now.
Not— no chance in