Doug NollI'm called in when human dynamics are getting in the way of strategic leadership execution.

Humans Are Emotional, Not Rational

21 Jan 2026 · 2 min

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2:13

In this short multi‑speaker discussion, Speaker A critiques the cultural bias that devalues emotion, arguing that society has not trained people to listen to or practice emotional awareness. The conversation frames this bias as a need for ‘re‑programming’ to recognize humans as fundamentally emotional beings. Using the context of divorce coaching, A emphasizes that divorce is one of the most intensely emotional, traumatic experiences, describing the typical emotional states—anger, frustration, betrayal, abandonment, and feeling unloved—that clients experience. The speaker advocates for the therapist or coach to help clients process these feelings through affect labeling, a technique that names and validates emotions. Speaker B asks how self‑righteousness fits into this emotional landscape, and A explains that self‑righteousness is a defense mechanism rooted in a sense of entitlement and victimization, allowing a person to assert they are right and others are wrong to protect themselves from deep hurt. The dialogue highlights the importance of recognizing and working with emotions rather than assuming rationality, especially in high‑stakes, emotionally charged situations like divorce.

Chapters

But because our culture is so biased against emotion, we have not been trained in listening to and practicing emotions. So that's— this training is all designed to counter-program you, reprogram you, and get you thinking about, oh, we're emotional beings. Like, you guys, Marnie and Peggy, you're working with divorced couples all the time. You're divorce coaches. And have you ever had a divorce that wasn't highly emotional? No, that's one of the most emotional, deeply emotional traumatic experiences a person can go through. I know I've been through it and I'm a pretty skillful guy and it was hard. Uh, there are people who are emotional, they're not going to be rational in a divorce. That is foolish to think that. They can't think clearly. They won't think clearly. They are going to be angry and upset and frustrated and rejected and betrayed and abandoned and unloved. That is just going to be their state of being. And your job is to sit there and help them process those emotions by affect labeling.
Where does self-righteousness come into that emotional play?
So self-righteousness is, is a sense of entitlement, victimization. You feel like you've been treated really unfairly. You feel like you've been victimized, offend— you've been deeply hurt and offended. Self-righteousness is a defense mechanism, a defense feeling to make myself feel like, um, yeah, I'm right and you're wrong.
That, um, you know, it's those defenses, those defense mechanisms really are very triggering to people, right? And so you've gotta, you gotta really stop yourself from reacting to them because you can't, you can't react to them.