I Won Every Argument in Court Yet Lost Every Fight at Home

22 years ago, I was a top-rated trial lawyer, winning just about every argument in court but losing every fight at home. I could persuade a jury, negotiate multi-million-dollar settlements, and argue my way through the most complex legal battles. But when my wife was upset, I had no idea what to do. I thought the problem was me, that I wasn't calm enough or I needed to control my emotions better. I was wrong. In this video, I'm going to show you exactly how I went from being a lawyer who couldn't stop a fight in his own living room to training murderers in maximum security prisons how to become peacemakers to stop prison violence. And I'm not sharing to show up. I'm sharing this because after working with CEOs and law enforcement therapists and even inmates serving life sentences, I discovered something that changed everything. And once you understand what actually works, you can de-escalate any situation in 90 seconds. So let's get started. So after law school, I worked for an appellate judge for a year as his law clerk and then went into private practice in 1978 in a commercial litigation firm. My firm wanted to groom me as a trial lawyer, So they threw me into the deep end of the pool, and in October of 1978, I tried my first civil jury trial. And then in December of 1978, with one of the partners, I tried a $36 million securities fraud case in federal court in San Diego. We were defending a farmer. We won that case, and that's how my career started. 22 years trying cases, hundreds of them—arbitrations, bench trials, jury trials, federal courts, state court, you name it, I did it. Well, what looked on On paper, like a successful career, winning cases, big settlements, respected as a lawyer. The reality was the courtroom wins felt hollow. Personal pain. I argued for a living but couldn't stop fights at home. The breaking point for me extended out a huge long time. I would really took a long time to have to learn how to be with myself. And it wasn't until after I divorced, left the practice of law, and became a peacemaker and mediator that I learned that emotions don't work the way they think they do. But I had no idea that walking away from a successful law practice would lead me to the most dangerous place I've ever been. So here's what happened. In a trial in the late 1990s, I had the thought, "What the heck am I doing here?" And after that trial, I had a vacation, a whitewater trip with friends on the main Salmon River in Idaho. And during that week, I was on my raft all by myself, rowing through these rapids, and I concluded that I had not served very many people and decided that's not what I was going to do anymore. But I didn't know what I was going to do. When I came home, drove out of the mountains to my office and heard what turned out to be the only public service announcement for a new master's degree in peacemaking and conflict Conflict Studies. I decided to enroll, and for 3 years I was a full-time master's degree student, a 3/4 time law professor, and a full-time trial lawyer. I learned so much in that program, it completely changed my life, and I decided that I wanted to become a peacemaker. I had a lot of conversations with my partners about this. None of them were happy about the idea that I wanted to become a problem solver instead of a litigator, and they thought I had lost my mind. Ultimately, we couldn't come to an agreement, so I left. And became a peacemaker and mediator in 2000. 5 years later, I had a breakthrough and I learned something that changed my life and has changed the lives of hundreds of thousands of people ever since. I was mediating a case in Santa Barbara, $18,000 in controversy between two ex-spouses. They had spent over $50,000 trying to destroy each other. They didn't dislike each other, they despised each other. And what I tried changed everything. Instead of having them listen to the words, I had them name each other's feelings. And for 3.5 hours, I coached them back and forth. And as they did that, Susan's voice went from acid to neutral. John's raging stopped and he quieted down and started breathing slowly. And at the end, with tears streaming down his face, John looked across the table at Susan and said, "That's the first time you've listened to me in 25 years." They settled the case and walked out holding hands. You know, that line still gives me chills. "That's the first time you've listened to me in 25 years." Listening isn't what we were taught. It's not about staying calm or using "I" statements. It was something completely different. By the way, I put together a free guide which has all of the common mistakes leaders make when someone's upset and teaches you how to handle them through neuroscience, not something else. The link's in the description. Anyways, back to the story. So I continued to mediate, and then a couple of years later in 2009, my colleague and dear friend Laurel Kaufer called me and said, "Let me read you a letter." The letter was written by a woman serving a life sentence without possibility parole in the largest, most violent women's prison in the world. Asking if they could be trained— they being the lifers— could be trained to become peacemakers and mediators to stop prison violence. Loyal said, "What do you think?" And I thought to myself, "If we can teach murderers to be peacemakers, no one can question whether or not this works." So we said yes, and 8 months later, there we were, standing in front of 15 women— black, white, Hispanic, Asian, 30 to 65 years old— angry, skeptical, cynical, but curious. And the process started. I expected that we would have resistance. I expected that we would not have much in the way of success. What I found was something completely different. I found women who went from being blackthorns to beautiful mountain roses as they got in touch with their emotions. I find women who became absolutely committed to the idea of stopping violence and fights and arguments in their prison community. I found women who were totally engaged and got excited about the idea of making peace. It was absolutely an incredible experience for me. And what I learned was that Lieberman's seminal study in 2007 showing why ethic labeling works actually proved out. We He learned by watching these women change and transform that affect labeling rewires the brain in real time. So the seminal study was published in 2007 and came out of Matthew Lieberman's lab at UCLA. Lieberman's subjects were put into functional magnetic resonance imaging machines, FMRI machines, to see how their brains functioned when they were distressed and then their feelings were labeled. And what he found was something fascinating. When you name somebody's feelings, you inhibit the emotional centers of the brain associated with negative emotion, and you activate the part of the brain called the right ventral dorso-lateral prefrontal cortex. This is the part of the brain that's involved in emotional self-regulation. So it's like it's a switch, one on, one off, and people calm down. And in my experience, calm down in 90 seconds or less. Incredibly powerful. And it's exactly what we had witnessed. Science confirmed what I discovered a couple of years before in that Santa Barbara mediation between that ex-couple, those ex-spouses. But here's what shocked me the most about working in the prison, you statements. Most listening advice, active listening or nonviolent communication or compassionate communication, talk about the use of I statements. When I see this, I feel X and so forth and so on. None of that works in escalated high-conflict situations. It only makes things worse. The reason is when you're using an I statement, you're trying to soothe your own anxiety unconsciously. You're trying to create distance, which is a mistake. And you're not focusing on validating the speaker, who's the person that's really upset. So that speaker is still escalating while you're sitting there saying, "I, I, I, I, I, I, I." Doesn't work. What does work is the 90-second reset protocol. I developed. It's really simple. Ignore the words, read the emotions, reflect the emotions with a simple "you" statement. Two magic words: "You feel." So, somebody's upset or angry or frustrated. You feel really overwhelmed and ignored. You don't feel appreciated or supported. And you're really frustrated. And you're really worried and concerned. When you do this, you calm the emotional centers of their brain associated with negative emotions, primarily the amygdala and other related systems in the limbic system in the center of your brain. And you activate a part of the brain that's in charge of emotional self-regulation. The right ventrolateral prefrontal cortex. It happens in seconds. Not minutes, not days, not hours— in seconds. And every human being on the planet is hardwired to calm down when their feelings are named. This works anywhere. Of course, maximum security prisons, college campuses, the Congressional Budget Office, corporate executives, corporate offices, schools from primary all the way up to high school, law enforcement, in my own family. The context changes, but the technique doesn't. So if you're a high performer who's tired of letting other people's emotions control your day, I have a weekly newsletter that has the same techniques that I've used to train people just like you—CEOs, executives, leaders—in all different kinds of industries. The link's in the description. So where's this gone since the prison project? Cumulatively trained over 10,000 inmates in prisons all around the world. I've trained CEOs, other executives, school administrators, teachers, parents, grandparents, mediators, judges, senior analysts at the Congressional Budget Office, therapists and coaches. I mean, there really isn't a profession where I haven't had a client come to me to learn these skills. My book, "De-Escalate: How to Calm an Angry Person in 90 Seconds or Less," was published in 2017. It's now in 4 languages. It's gotten over 350 5-star reviews, and those reviews are just absolutely amazing. My mission is to help high performers just like you stop fights and arguments forever in your life. And of course, this matters more than ever because of the toxicity in our culture and the polarization that we all experience. Here's my guarantee: if you do this work, you will never have another fight or argument again in your life. And I'll work with you until you've mastered the skill. So if you made it this far, you're serious about this. But here's the reality: watching this video is just step one. Mastering this skill requires practice, feedback, and accountability. You need a coach. That's why I've created a comprehensive training program. It's the same one I've used with everyone from inmates to executives. If you want to try exploring this together, I offer a free discovery call, just a conversation to see if this is the right fit. And I'll give you some value out of this and help you figure out what's going on. The link's in the description. Click it, book a time, and let's talk. Because when you master this skill, it's worth every bit of effort. Thanks for watching. I'll see you in the next video.