In this group coaching video, Doug Noll leads a role‑play that dramatizes a tense conversation between a 31‑year‑old daughter and her mother about the mother’s inability to continue paying the daughter’s rent. Doug assumes the mother’s role (Speaker A) while other participants play the daughter (Speaker C) and a coaching observer (Speaker B). The dialogue showcases the daughter’s frustration, fear, and feelings of failure, while the mother practices affect labeling, reflective listening, and non‑defensive presence. The coach repeatedly labels the daughter’s emotions (e.g., “you feel disrespected, ignored, anxious, sad”) without offering solutions, encouraging the daughter to articulate her needs and explore options. The session also introduces a practical tool: giving advance notice (via email) before a difficult conversation, allowing the other party to prepare emotionally. Throughout, Doug highlights how staying on the emotional content, avoiding problem‑solving, and maintaining a calm, non‑defensive stance helps de‑escalate conflict and fosters deeper self‑awareness. The video concludes with a call‑to‑action to learn more about Doug’s facilitation services for difficult conversations.
Chapters
Hi, Doug Noll here. In one of my recent group coaching sessions, we ended up role-playing a situation between a daughter, a 31-year-old daughter, and her mother. And I played the role of the mother, Attic Labeling, and the mother played the role of her daughter. And let's see what happens.
You're gonna have to start paying your rent next month. I just don't have the wherewithal to do it anymore.
You know something, Mom? I would really appreciate moving forward. I would really appreciate it if you would tell me before you want to have this kind of conversation on the telephone.
So you're upset and frustrated and surprised and would prefer to not be surprised on these kinds of conversations.
Yeah, exactly.
Because you feel disrespected when I do this to you, and you're completely taken aback, and it kind of pisses you off, and you feel like you're ignored and belittled and unappreciated and unsupported.
Yeah.
And it makes you anxious and concerned and upset and sad because you feel disconnected and abandoned and rejected and unloved.
She wouldn't know what to do with it. I don't think I know what to do with it. Uh, yeah, but you took the wind right out of my sails by doing that.
Exactly. And I said, all right, then I will. How would you like me to communicate to you when I— when we have something a little more difficult to talk about?
Well, I'd like you to give me a notice email and let me know that you have something that you want to talk about.
Do you want to know what I want to talk about?
I want to know exactly what you want to talk about.
Okay, so if I wrote an email to you and I said, here, um, financially I can no longer afford to pay your rent and we need to talk about this, how would you respond to that, do you think?
Better.
Okay, I'm happy to do that. I'm happy to give you warning of difficult— of a difficult conversation.
Fine.
Anything else?
Well, yeah, well, now we have to talk about it because I brought it up. So now we do have to talk about it. I want you to know what I'm doing in terms of making money. I'm trying to do this, I'm doing that, I've looked at DoorDash, I'm doing this, and you know, it's just not working.
So you're really frustrated because you're trying to make money and you've just not been successful at it, and you're feeling a little, like, a little bit of, like, you're concerned because, you know, I'm a failure. Failure. You like your failure. You don't feel like you're worthy, and you, you don't—
you have—
you don't feel confident, and it's scaring you because you know you have to support yourself and you want to support yourself, but you don't feel like you've got any power to do that, and it's devastating to you.
So what do I do about that, Mom? So what do I do?
What do you want to do? What do you really want?
I don't know. I have no idea.
Let's think about that. So right now you're confused and upset and distressed, and you really don't have any idea what you want to do. And that's good.
No skills.
Producing just by itself.
Yes.
Okay, so I'm gonna start crying in just a minute. If you— that's okay.
Notice how I stayed right on her. I didn't let her get away. I didn't get defensive. I didn't try to problem solve. All I did was label her emotions. And then we got to the part of the conversation itself, and Mom, as a role play of her daughter, was saying, "A complete failure." Again, I didn't take anything personally. I stayed on it. I continued to reflect all of her emotions. And then as Mom said, at that point in time, she would have started to cry. And that is how you AFIC label a very difficult conversation. Look at the link at the end of this video if you want to learn more about how I can facilitate your difficult conversations for you. Thanks for watching.
