Doug NollI'm called in when human dynamics are getting in the way of strategic leadership execution.

Never Say This During a Fight (It Always Backfires)

10 Sept 2025 · 1 min

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Doug Noll explains why "I understand how you feel" backfires in arguments. Instead, reflect their feelings back with "you" statements like "You're frustrated because this keeps happening." This activates their thinking brain and de-escalates the conflict.

Chapters

One of the quickest ways to blow up an emotionally tense conversation is to say, "I understand how you feel." When someone is upset, their brain is emotionally flooded, and they don't care what you think, they just want to be heard. But the moment you say "I," you make it about yourself. That makes them more upset. Instead of saying, "I understand you're frustrated," try, "You're frustrated because this keeps happening." Neuroscience research shows that when you use "you" statements to validate emotions, you activate their thinking brain, and as a result, they will calm down in seconds. Stop saying, "I hear you," and start proving you hear them by reflecting what they're actually feeling. Share this video with the first person that comes to mind.