Doug NollI'm called in when human dynamics are getting in the way of strategic leadership execution.

Stop Asking Questions Say This Instead

20 May 2026 · 1 min

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Instead of asking "Did you mean to insult me?" try saying "You feel insulted." Naming someone's emotion in two words defuses conflict better than questions that trigger defensiveness and activate their amygdala.

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Sometimes you'll get questions such as, "Did you mean to insult me?" "How do you expect me to react?" "How do you want me to respond?" These questions fail every single time because they create a defensive reaction in the other person's amygdala. The moment you add "I" to the expression, it becomes all about you and you lose the battle. So what you really want to do is simply label what's going on. Instead of saying, "Did you mean to insult me?" Say, "You feel really insulted." "How do you expect me to react?" Don't do that. Say instead, "You're angry. You're frustrated. You're upset. You don't feel heard. Simply name the emotion. That's all you have to do. You feel— two simple words. It works every single time.