They Despised Each Other — Then Something Unexpected Happened

So I discovered this by happenstance in a mediation some 20 years ago between, we'll call them, John and Susan. They were a divorced couple. The amount at stake was $18,000, and both sides had spent over $50,000 in attorney's fees trying to destroy each other. They didn't just dislike each other, they despised each other. Every time Susan spoke, she attacked John, and every time John spoke, he attacked Susan. They were screaming at each other. Out of desperation, I told Susan, "Ignore John's words. Just listen to his emotions and reflect them back." After some practice, Susan Susan's voice turned from acid to neutral, and John started to calm down. We got into a rhythm. John would speak, Susan would say, "You feel..." No arguments, just emotions. We went back and forth for 3.5 hours, both of them naming each other's emotions, and finally John looked across the table at Susan with tears streaming down his eyes and said, "That's the first time you've listened to me in 25 years." They settled the case, and believe it or not, they walked out holding hands.