What If YOU'RE the One Who Shuts Down? Here's What to Do

What happens if you're the one that's shutting down? You're the one who becomes emotionally unavailable? Well, you've got to recognize that you are emotionally dysregulated. So you got, maybe you're racing hard, or your ears get hot, voice gets louder, or maybe you just shut down and crawl inside yourself and nobody can reach you. There's a mature alternative. First of all, if you have to take a break, say, "We need a 5-minute timeout," and all you're going to do is use that time to breathe and calm yourself down. Then what you're going to do is label your own feelings using an I-statement. Remember I said no I-statements? Well, that's only to the other person. When you're talking to yourself, you use an I-statement. I'm feeling angry. I'm frustrated. I feel all alone. I'm lonely. Just say that to yourself silently and you'll calm down. No threats, no punishment, just emotional self-regulation. And when you calm down, which will take a minute or two, you can come back to the conversation and say, "Hey, I'm ready to talk."