When Someone Passes A Rude Comment At You, Do This Instead

Today we're going to talk about how to respond when someone attacks you or starts arguing with you or just out of the blue starts insulting you. What do you do? Well, for most people, the initial reaction is to defend themselves or to counterattack. And of course, we know that never works. It just makes things worse. So what do you do? You're obviously going to be caught off guard, almost always surprised, at least until you learn some new skills that I'll be sharing with you. Do you defend yourself? Do you walk away and let it roll off your back? Or do you try to persuade, use logic, defend yourself, appease? No, None of it works. You know that, I know that, and it gets us into a lot of trouble. But there is a third way that is extremely powerful, very easy to master, and changes everything. It's a 3-second response that sets boundaries, protects you, and calms the other person in seconds. It's easy to learn. All you have to do is watch the video. I'm Doug Noll, a professional warrior turned peacemaker, and I teach people how to stay calm in fights and avoid arguing forever. My promise to you is learn these skills and you will never have another fight or argument again. If you want tools to handle strong emotions and stop fights and arguments forever in your life, I'm going to ask you to subscribe to this channel and hit that notification bell. And if you have any questions or comments, go ahead and throw them in the comment section before, and we will definitely get back and answer them. So the first thing to understand when someone gets in your face, they want to pick a fight, they want to argue, they want to disrespect you, insult you, is to understand what's really going underneath. It's not about hurting you so much as it is a test. And what the other person is trying to do is figure out what's your emotional temperature. What triggers you? How can they get power over you by making you dysregulated? Can they destabilize you? And if they can, will you confirm it by defending against it or by defending yourself? The moment you start justifying yourself or rationalizing or explaining, you've just given away your power and you've passed the test that the person who's provoking you wanted you to pass. So defending against an insult or an argument doesn't let you win. It forces you to fail. Think of it as a card game. The other side plays a card. You can play it back or you can fold. When you play it back, escalation loops and someone loses. But you can also choose to fold and walk away, not because you're weak, but because you refuse to play the game. So why do our instincts and the kinds of things we've learned since the time we were children don't work? Well, the idea of staying calm doesn't give you a script to work with. If you use I-statements like in Active Listening or Nonviolent Communication, it makes it all about you, and that doesn't help either. Active Listening is too slow, and it doesn't address what's driving the attack. None of these techniques or skills that have been promoted for over 60 years and don't work address the underlying problem. They fail to address the the emotions that are driving the argument or insult or disrespect. So what is driving disrespect? When someone speaks to you with contempt, the words are the surface. Underneath, they're almost always in one of four emotional states: frustration, where they're blocked and they're directing outward; disrespect, they feel unseen or dismiss themselves and are projecting; fear, they're worried about something that you have over them, maybe power, or they're afraid of a decision you're going to make, or they're afraid of some action that you can take, or maybe perhaps a status that you have over them; and abandonment, they feel left out of the loop. They They don't feel heard. They feel invisible. They feel excluded and irrelevant. Your job isn't to argue back. It's to identify which of these emotions is driving the insult in the first place. So what are some common statements? Something like, "This is the kind of thinking that holds us back." Well, that's frustration or fear about outcomes. "I expected better from you." That's disrespect or the feeling of being let down. "If someone had done their job, we wouldn't be here," which is a feeling of being abandoned, betrayed, rejected, left behind. When you can read which layer is activated, you know exactly what to say. You stop being the target and become the person who sees what's actually happening. And that's a completely different dynamic to be in. And by the way, if you want to learn more deeply on how to handle conflict, I have a weekly newsletter when I talk about topics related to arguments, fights, losing control, and how to handle them. It's completely free. The link is in the description. How do you respond to these insults? And what's the right response? And why is it that being wrong helps you? So the first secret is to identify the most likely emotion that this insulting person is feeling at the moment. Not, "I feel attacked by that comment." Not, "I hear that you're frustrated." You do want to say, "You're frustrated. You feel like your concerns are not being taken seriously." Two simple words. You feel, and then name the emotion. That's all you have to do. And that will take the wind out of anybody's sail who's insulting or disrespecting you. The key is you don't have to be right about this. You don't even have to be right about the emotion. If you say, "You're frustrated," and they say, "No, I'm worried this is going to fall apart," you haven't failed. They've just given you You know the answer, so repeat it back. "Oh, you're just afraid this is going to fail." The correction is the de-escalation. They move from attacking to explaining, and the insult goes away. You win without arguing a single word. So, watch for the body gests: a nodding of the head, a verbal response like "yeah" or "exactly," a dropping of the shoulders, and a sigh of relief. That's when you know their brains have quieted down. So let's take a look at this in some real-world situations. Example #1: "This is exactly the kind of thing that's been holding us back." The defensive response would be something like, "That's not fair. I've been working on this for weeks." The affect labeling response —where the response that's going to calm people down is, "You're worried that we're going down a road that hasn't worked out before." And the result? They pause. The room pauses because you've named the concern without becoming defensive. Here's another possibility. Maybe in an email you get this sort of thing: "I'm disappointed you didn't deliver on this. I expected better." The usual response that doesn't work: "I did my best under the circumstances. Here's why it was late." The better response: "You're disappointed with how this landed and you expected more. Let's talk about what happened and find a way to fix it." Result? A door opens instead of a door slamming shut. Here's a third situation involving involving passive-aggressive behavior. So, let's suppose you're in a team meeting and somebody comes up and says, "Well, if somebody had actually done their job, we wouldn't be right here right now." The wrong response that escalates is, "Are you talking about me because I did everything I'm supposed to do?" The de-escalating response is, "Sounds like you feel let down by how this all played out. Let's talk about it after the meeting." The result: no public escalation, and your team watched you handle it with aplomb and empathy. If you want a complete breakdown on how to do this, I've put together a free guide that talks about how to stop "Stop Any Fight in 90 Seconds." The link is in the description. Okay, so what are some of the common questions that I get from my clients that I coach in this stuff? Here's one from Sarah, Vice President of Marketing. "Doug, what do I do when my boss criticizes me in front of my team? I freeze up and I can't think what to say." Well, Sarah, the freeze is normal. It's a threat response, not a character flaw. What you need is a script practiced before the moment, not invented during it. The response is, "You're frustrated with how this turned out. I'd like to talk to you about this after the meeting." That's a boundary and a de-escalation in 2 sentences. Notice "you feel." You feel frustrated about how this turned out. That's all you have to do. Have it planned ahead of time. Think about every single time somebody has confronted you in a meeting and how you froze. And now write down, using "you feel," the emotion that that person is expressing when they challenge you, and just have that in the back of your head ready to fire off if somebody comes at you. Here's a question from Michael, who's a startup founder: How do I handle passive-aggressive emails without sounding defensive? I always sound like I'm walking on eggshells. Well, eggshells come from trying to manage how they think. The method that I'm talking about manages how they feel. It's called Nervous System Leadership. You feel. Their email would say something like this: I'm surprised this wasn't prioritized. Guess it wasn't important. The wrong response is: It was important. Here's why it was delayed. Now you're getting defensive. The better response is: You're disappointed that it was delayed and you didn't get it sooner. "Let me walk through what happened." One sentence names the emotion. The next statement asks a question that invites resolution rather than conflict. How do you set boundaries without escalating? First of all, reflect the emotion with a "you" statement. "You feel frustrated with how this is going." Acknowledge the concern. "You're worried this is going to repeat what happened again." "I need us to have this conversation privately, not in front of the team." Why is this order important? Validation comes first, then the boundary. When they feel seen, they calm down, and now they can hear you. A boundary delivered before validation doesn't land. It be heard. A boundary delivered after validation lands as leadership. So the next time someone attacks you in a meeting or in an email or in front of your team, you're going to remember these 3 things: 1, ignore the words, read the emotions. 2, reflect it back with a "you feel" statement, not "I" statements, and don't ask questions. And number 3, and realize that "I feel attacked" makes it worse. Validate instead of defending. And that's how you respond to disrespect and insults without losing your cool. Now, if you never want to have a fight or argument again, I work with leaders who are serious about mastering this. We build systems together so that you can walk into any room, no matter how intense, you can be attacked by anybody, you can be insulted in any situation, and know exactly what to say, how to say it, with calm, confident compassion, and know that within 90 seconds, the room will be cool and people will be listening to you like the leader that everyone wants to follow. The link's in the description to book a call with me. All right, I'll see you in the next video.