Doug NollI'm called in when human dynamics are getting in the way of strategic leadership execution.

Why "I Statements" Actually Make Arguments Worse

13 Apr 2026 · 1 min

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Doug Noll, who works in prisons handling high-conflict situations, argues that "I" statements like "When I see this, I feel X" backfire. They soothe the speaker's anxiety but ignore the upset person, making conflict worse. Validation works better than self-soothing.

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But here's what shocked me the most about working in the prison: "you" statements. Most listening advice, active listening or nonviolent communication or compassionate communication, talk about the use of "I" statements. "When I see this, I feel X." And none of that works in escalated high-conflict situations. It only makes things worse. The reason is when you're using an "I" statement, you're trying to soothe your own anxiety unconsciously. You're trying to create distance, which is a mistake. And you're not focusing on validating the speaker, who's the person that's really upset. So that speaker is still escalating while you're sitting there saying, "I, I, I." Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye. Doesn't work.