ED Support and Communicating With a Partner Who Has ED

This podcast is for you. The modern man. I'm Dr. Anne Truong, your host. I'm an intimate health medical doctor and best selling author of the book Erectile Dysfunction Fix. I'll do a deep dive into sexual health and performance and how it affects men of all ages and backgrounds. So let's get started and be sure to visit my website@sexualhealthformenpodcast.com for more information and resources from the show. See you on the inside. Well, hello there, Modern Man. Today we have a special episode. You ever wonder what a man and a woman want when in a relationship, when a man has ed. Well, today I'm talking with Debbie Elzia. She is intimacy specialist, working especially with women. And we're going to hear her perspective, what women perspective when she's in a relationship with a man, with ed. So Debbie, how are you today?

I'm excellent, thank you, Dr. Ann. Thanks for having me here.

Well, I want to ask you a question. So when a woman is in a relationship with a man that has edited what, what, what issues and how can she support him and what, what challenges that they are facing?

Yeah. So it's a, of course it's a, it's a major challenge and it's a growing one. As you know, 40% of men in their 40s will have ED, 50% in their 50s, and so on. So it's a very common challenge that women should almost prepare themselves for as they're, you know, getting older. And so one of the things that I would urge women to do is not to take this personally. It's kind of a biological part of life, right? It's part of the advantage of us now living until our 80s. It might happen to many of us. And it is not to be taken as a personal thing against your desirability, whether he finds you desirable or sexy or not. So I would first, urge, don't take this personally. Second, never shame your man over it. He's already embarrassed and frustrated and such. It doesn't do any good for you to pile on there. So we need to approach it with understanding, deep compassion and understanding. And if your relationship is rocky anyways or full of conflict, then he's probably not even going to be open to you to talk about his problems. He'll probably just shut down and not approach you for sex because he doesn't want to risk the embarrassment of it not working if your relationship doesn't feel safe and loving. So that's just kind of an intro. Where would you like to go from there?

Right. So what, what are ways that, how can, like what I find when working with men with Ed is that with his partner is the last thing he comes with. He doesn't want that. Yeah. Is oftentimes he'll have ED for years before he even talked to his partner. The first thing he's going to do is try to go to the Internet and talk to Dr. Google and find out, you know, what other ways to do supplements or just go on online dispensary and just order Viagra or Cialis and start taking that and that becomes a crutch. And I just feel that that is not the way to treat Ed because it really sat away manhood because that taking Viagra, it essentially just relaxes your muscles. You can get an erection. But an erection really involved from the head going every, you know, six step bone but below the belt to create an erection. So when you take a medication like Viagra, it just goes, you know, to your penis, create an erection. So you're essentially giving up your manhood to a medication. So I, I say men, if you're taking Viagra, you're essentially giving away your manhood and your body's not going to know how to get an erection again. So think about that. So what I'm trying to say is that he, he's not going to approach his partner to openly talk about. It's just an uncomfortable subject and obviously she knows about it as well. So how can she open, open and in a very nurturing way, in non confrontational way, but be able to open that conversation.

Sure.

With him.

Sure. And I would say you have to set the groundwork in advance. Like is the relationship good? There's a whole different ball game. If the relationship is full of conflict and resentment and things like that, then I would say that that's not really, really perhaps the time to even bring up that. Also you're not having sex with me. Also your penis doesn't work. Right. So what would you want to do for weeks and months in advance is to be really, really kind to him, kind to each other, pay your husband gratitudes, notice all the things he brings into the relationship. He is not just his hard penis. Right. So appreciate, share with him things that you love, admire, respect about him, that you find handsome, sexy or masculine about him. You've got to build a level of safety and trust and comfort. And let's say you have that. Right. Maybe you already had that. And maybe the sex and lovemaking is the only real problem. In which case let's have a conversation and how to have a difficult conversation with a man, there's a framework about it and it's about, you know, first process your own emotions about it and make sure that you are not, you know, going to take things personally. For instance, be aware that there may be multiple causes for his erectile dysfunction. And it could be primarily physical, but it might be coming from his head, his heart. It might be stress that's keeping him from it. It might be that he doesn't feel safe and appreciated in the relationship, that he's felt rejected in the past, that the bedroom, the lovemaking is really boring, for instance, we haven't done anything new in years, or he'd been rejected, for instance, for years. So in many ways it's either a performance issue or it's a relationship issue, but it's likely a combination, right? So when you have that conversation with him, first of all, it's always good to ask a man when is a good time to talk with you about this? Like, can I'd like to talk to you about something important. You're not in trouble. It'll take about 10 or 15 minutes or when's a good time for you? So set up the conversation to when it's a good time and then start with a discussion of is it a lack of desire? Right. Or what is desire to you? What does lovemaking mean to you? What is sex to you? What is intimacy to you? Because we've got to expand the lovemaking pie beyond hard penis in vagina sex. Right? And for most women, they don't even orgasm by that anyways. So men need to realize that, you know, that the penis is not the only thing that is essential for her in making love. There are many more ways to make love, and you don't always need a hard penis to have a great sex life.

And Dr. Women that actually orgasm with vaginal orgasm, probably around 10, 15%. So, you know, yeah, penetration, vaginal orgasm for women, it's actually very hard. And so it's about 10% of women with orgasm, with vaginal penetration that you can get 100% orgasm through clitoral or orgasm. So exactly that in mind as well too. But I'm glad you brought, you brought that up. That point is that is there are ways to pleasure a woman that besides just PMV.

Sex.

Yeah, yeah.

And on top of it, what she's probably missing is the touch that, the cuddling, the affection. Because often if a man is afraid that he won't be able to get erect, he's not going to approach her in A way that seems like he's seducing her, so she misses all the attention. Right. And the touch and such. And that is often sometimes just as important, if not more important to the woman, that kind of closeness than actual intercourse. So don't cut that out of your life. Right. So expand the pie of what is sex? What is intimacy for each of you. And he may find out some revelations that, wow, what his woman really loves is some things that he can do right now. You can get all turned on and such and have a great sex life together right now. And, Ann, here's a good one. Just to prove that you don't need a hard penis to have a great sex life. I can prove that in one word.

Lesbians. Yes. Yeah. That is.

Right.

Yes. Yeah.

So.

But. But. Yeah.

Yeah. And the. And here's the other thing the wife can. The. The partner can do is men, even if they're taking the pill, they still need arousal, they still need desire. And a lot of the erectile dysfunction in men could probably be prevented or lessened through pouring on the desire. The man's surveys show that men's top desire is that their woman desire him. Right. She actually want to make love to him, and she enjoy it. She really has a good time herself. So both of those things are under the woman's control. How do you get your desire up? And for most women, you know, especially after a certain age, it's coming from our head and our heart. It's not coming from our genitals saying, must have sex now. It's because we are in the mood. It's because we feel loved. We need some kind of spark of intimacy to turn on our desire for our man, and maybe he's that way, too. A good percentage of men are not spontaneously experiencing desire, like going around turned on, but it's responsive like most women's is. It's responsive to some kind of trigger, whether it be touch or romance, you know, attention and such, that triggers our desire. And about a significant percentage of men, it's the same way they are not walking around horny and turned on, but they need some kind of a spark, a trigger. And ideally, that is their woman showing genuine desire for him and then enjoying whatever lovemaking brings.

Right? And, you know, I always say, well, it's not I. It's from me. It's that the sexual response from research is that the brain is the largest sexual organ, and it starts in the brain. So in order for you to get an erection or even a woman to get the arousal response, or sexual response. It starts in the brain, and then the brain receives messages from the visual. Your eyes, your. Your smell, your taste, your hearing. And then it sends messages to the brain to increase arousal and sends hormones and releases neurotransmitters and send the emotions and interaction through the brain cells. And then it goes to your nerve and your spinal cord in the base of your neck, and it sends down messages to your blood vessels, and then the blood vessel bring in more blood flow down to your genital area, and then the genital area start to get, you know, engorged. And that's how the sexual response is. So it's all start in here. And guess what? A man, for a woman, you got to be in a relaxed state, you know, in the right mindset in order to start all that cascade. But if you're stressed and if you're distracted, you're thinking about the next day, thinking about the kids, oftentimes you're not gonna be able to get into that state. And I just read a recent study that, you know, with COVID With COVID that sex is on the decline and that men with COVID infection are actually at risk for ed, because we know that Covid is an inflammatory disease and it affects blood vessels. So, men, if you find that your performance or not what it used to be, make sure you do take a. There's a questionnaire called the International Erectile Function Test, iief, or you can go on my website. There's the sexual assessment. Take the questionnaire. It can determine whether you have ED or not. And ED is just not whether you cannot have an erection. It ranges from longer to get an erection to having whether you have a firm erection or not as well, all the way to no erection at all. So it's a myth that men think that they don't have ED if they still have an erection. That's not true at all. And like you mentioned earlier that if you're in the age range of 40 to 70, 50% of men actually will have ED, and 60% of them do not even know that they even have ed. So having said that, what.

What.

In the relationship. What, what. How did women like to be treated? What do women want in relationship? And then after that, what do women. Men want in relationship? How would. How would women like to be treated?

Oh, well, that's a. That's actually a harder question to ask in many ways than how would men like to be treated? Because in my coaching for women, I emphasize your man has simple needs. Do these three things, and he will Be your king, right? Your prince will turn into your king. So I, I do think that men have simpler needs. Not that they are simple, but that, you know, they're more direct, which is, I say to my women, I help them. Here's what your man wants. He wants you to be happy. He wants you to show up relaxed and in a good mood. And when you do so, do you ever notice how magnetically drawn he is to you? Right? So I help the women show up less stressed, in a good mood, using positive psychology techniques and such, and take care of themselves. Right? It's often a woman feels like, I'm not happy, it must be you. When truly it's really largely coming from within us. And we are the ones that have the big impact on changing how happy, how resilient we are, how stressed we are, how we show up. So the second thing is to celebrate your differences. So your man is not you. He is not a big hairy woman who is misbehaving. He views life, love and sexuality through a masculine lens. And we've got to respect that. We've got to build our man up if we want to get the best from him rather than, you know, kind of tear him down. Masculine energy merged with feminine energy creates this great attraction. So that will help you in your intimate life if your man feels confident and loved and safe and respected by you. And men love feeling respected and what's disrespect, criticism, nagging, nitpicking, even showing up very frumpy looking, knowing that men are visual. So it's quite easy to shift in this area to become, I say it, become your husband's girlfriend again, even though you're married. There's an energy of being a girlfriend that is just irresistible to your man and it makes him want to be your man and be your hero. Makes sense.

Yeah, yeah, like, like to, to, to act like you first dating. Tony Robbins used to say, you know, in relationship, act as if you first started dating and the relationship will not, will never end. To make it interesting and like, you know, make it like you were when you first started. What about a woman? What, what, what, what does a woman want in relationship?

She wants a lot of safety, right? She wants to feel chosen, special, nurtured, desirable, beautiful. Right? So if a man can make his wife feel that way, you know, she's going to be loving on him regardless of what's happening in the bedroom, and it'll increase her desire for him. But so much of our desire, the sexual desire for a woman is not really coming from the man. It's coming from within her. I like to say, what turns a man on a woman, right? How simple is that? What turns a woman on feeling really sexy and desirable herself. So that, again, is within the woman's purview more than it is the man. How are you showing up? What are you doing to take care of yourself so you're not feeling run down and stressed out and all up in your head? What are you doing to make yourself look and feel good so that you can show up in a better mood? Are you able to get out of your head and into your senses? Have you processed any issues you have of negative past conditioning, body image issues, all these other things that might cause you to not show up sexy and wanting to be a playful, loving partner? Because your role, if your man has ed, is to create this atmosphere of safety, but also sexiness, playfulness. And I think what happens is a lot of women when their husband has ed, they're like, ooh, I'm not going to approach him. I'm not going to be affectionate. I'm not going to be flirty, because that'll just put pressure on him, and I don't want to pressure him. So in the meantime, he feels your lack of desire. He feels that is your lack of desire for him. And then that's not going to do anything to help you connect intimately in the bedroom. And when the bedroom is dead, then it's not just like most couples are like, oh, yeah, we never have sex anymore, but we're so loving and fun and playful together. No, it usually goes hand in hand. If you lose that sexual connection, that sexual bond, which is so special, which is something you can only get with each other, right? Most things like companionship and partnership you can get with in other ways, but you can only get this bond with each other. If you lose that, then you also frequently use the affection and the, the romance and the quality time. So it's important to keep that up regardless of what, you know, life and aging and such is putting in our way.

It's surprising that you mentioned that, you know, is the woman that can actually be a part of treating the ED for the man in being, presenting at being, being, you know, positive being, presenting, hotel, the arousal arouse him. Because instead of being the opposite, right? Because instead of trying, like, oh, you know, I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to, you know, I want. I don't want to bring the, the uncomfortable issue to him and just avoid it, but to kind of like bring, bring relationship to be more of a positive state and, and try to make her bring the positive light and maybe perhaps arouse him. Because there's a study that shows that a partner can help treat ED by just positive reinforcement for the man with ed, you know? Yeah, yeah.

And on top of it, she can allow him to please her, you know, just, he can have the fun of giving her orgasms and pleasure and touch and holding her and stroking her and cuddling her. There's a wonderful book called she Comes first that is about, you know, the importance of turning on your woman and pleasing your woman. So that would also be bonding them together and so give that the opportunity. Don't look at that as a defeat. Looking that, look at that as something to celebrate.

Right, right. And yeah, so in that aspect, what are the main thing to create an atmosphere of safety in the relationship? What the main thing that you would suggest?

Well, I suggest to women that they are aware that their man's natural state is not to be like open and vulnerable. We are descendants, he's a descendant of a hunter and a warrior. And, and to get a man to be open and vulnerable, we have to earn that with him. We have to earn our way into his heart and especially with an issue that is as sensitive as sexual dysfunction. So what do we do? We have to create this atmosphere of safety. Noticing the good things about him, not focusing on his flaws, paying him compliments, being respectful, taking care of our own selves so that we can show up in a good mood and able to be pleased. So that is creating an atmosphere of safety. From there, how do you become sexual explorers together and explore things that are outside the box the way you've always done them? Maybe for instance, tantric. I'm a sacred sexuality specialist and tantric can involve making love for extended period of time. It's deeply conscious with like a lot of conscious energy put into it. It's very heart connecting and it doesn't rely upon a hard penis. And it's also not orgasm focused. It's about enjoying the moments, enjoying the pleasure, enjoying the journey. Rather than what we typically find in the west, which is goal oriented sex. I get my orgasm, then you get yours, it's done. It's a success if one of us does an orgasm and it's not a success. And you know, I mean, so that is goal oriented sex. So why not take that off the table and become just pleasure seekers? So what is pleasure to each of us? What is intimacy to each of us? And it just can be much Broader than, you know, PIV sex.

Well said there and well said there. So where can our listener find more information about you and some of the resources you have?

Yes, thank you. I call my business more intimacy. And I deliberately chose that word because when women hear the word intimacy, they're like, yes, I want more of that. It's that special kind of closeness and caring and vulnerability. But when men hear intimacy, they frequently think sex, yes, I want more of that. And I often say, don't blame your man for the way he's made. You know, he's. That he's frequently and very sexual focused. And woman is, don't blame your woman for the way she's made, which is that she just very much desires to be seen and cherished and you know, your affection and attention, that's kind of the way we are. And then with sex is an opportunity for both of us to get what we need because it's often the time, you know, making love is when your man opens his heart and becomes more vulnerable and such. And conversely, when you have a warm, loving, caring relationship, that's more putting more the woman in the mood to make love. So, you know, no matter what the circumstances, don't let yourself not be lovers because you will also lose this kind of intimate connection. Oh, I digress. My website is more intimacy.net. i have a Facebook group for women called More Intimacy in Marriage for Women. And this is a regular topic in our group. And you know, I help women get over the blocks to intimacy again for ed. If you show up sexy and being enabled to be like easily sexually pleased with a number of things that could turn you on or give you pleasure, then your man's going to get more excited and that's going to work on his head and his heart, which will drive his penis, which, as you know, that is a large part, part of fixing erectile dysfunction is getting a turn on, going, getting genuine desire. And there's nothing more sexy than a turned on woman for a man.

So I love it when you say that.

Overcome her own blocks.

Yeah, I love it when you say that. And in fact, you know, I've said this like it's easier. It's very, it's actually easier for me to treat ed. The physical part of what causes ed, which is mainly blood flow impairment, it's actually harder to restore and readjust the brain and the emotional adjustment that need to be done in order to restore the pathway again, which I mentioned was the brain and the emotion. I can take care of the hormones and the blood flow restoration and the muscle restoration. Again, that part is actually easy. I told the man, you know, take care of yourself first with, you know, eating properly, sleeping, exercise, and. And take care of your partner. Those are the main four things. Take care of that. I'll take care of the rest. And, you know, your sexual function will be restored. He said. He looked at me, he goes, is that easy? I go, yeah, and it's that easy. But you got to put in the effort on that part of that. You know, the first four component of that. But having said that, well, Debbie, thank you for being here today and sharing your wisdom. I'll put the resource. She shared a very great article with me. I'll put the resource of that in the show note as well as her website and her Facebook as well. And I'll actually be showing up in her Facebook to do some Q A. I'm looking forward to that. And we will see you in the next episode. All right, take care. Thank you.