The Epidemic of Not Enoughness: How It Shapes Your Relationships—and How to Break Free

Hello, welcome back to Stronger in the Difficult Places. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe. And today I have a guest. Her name is Christina Ketchen. She's a certified life and relationship coach. She's a speaker, writer, and host of the Self-Love Shift podcast. Today, we're going to be talking about not enoughness and how that affects your relationships and what you can do about it. The epidemic of not enoughness. She speaks not only from training, but also from the depths of her own journey, which I'm sure we'll hear about today. So listen in to my conversation with Christina Ketchen about the epidemic of not enoughness. Christina, welcome to the podcast. I'm, I'm really excited to have this conversation with you today.

Thank you so much for having me here. It's a pleasure to be here.

Thank you. So before we get started and talk about not enoughness, I want to ask you, can you share with my audience your win and your fail From whenever? Recent?

We'll go with recent. And, you know, I— it's interesting because I, I find resistance and struggle a little bit with the word failure because I prefer to look at it as, okay, it's, it's a lowlight, but the failure or the lowlight always has goodness in it. Failure or lowlight for me would have been sitting in and witnessing a really Devastating heartbreak last week. My walking away from that had me questioning, did I show up in— was I good enough for this person?

Yeah.

So that was my lowlight. And the highlight that came out of that, or the win that came out of that, was recognizing that checking in and making sure that I was in integrity, I had to count on that for myself. And that— and the win is seeing them him come out the other side and be perfectly okay.

Wow. I, as I sit here, I want to literally jump up and down and clap my hands for you because number one, that's a roller coaster. And number two, that takes a lot of strength and courage and work. And so kudos to you for doing all that work. And thank you for sharing your win and your fail. And I have so many people that have issues with that, which is why, and it's part of my personality, like I want to use those blunt words, win and fail, mainly a couple of reasons. One, and I absolutely honor that you, you want to use a little bit different language, but I also appreciate that you were willing to come on and, and say that because I have had, I think it was only one person who absolutely refused and was like, I don't have fails. Like they don't exist. I'm not going to talk about it. She was so offended by the word. Um, but I use that word because I know so many of us use those words to ourselves when we talk.

Absolutely.

And I want to be able to use that verbiage and turn it into something positive. We mess up, we make mistakes. We do not always, you know, hit the ball out of the ballpark. Sometimes we just don't even hit it anywhere. And so, um, I just want to honor that. But thank you so Thank you so much for sharing that. And what a wonderful segue into this conversation of not enoughness. You talk about your work being rooted in lived truth. So can you share a bit of your journey? How were your own experiences of loss and not enoughness? How have those shaped the way that you help women today?

Oh, boy. Not enough. Well, when I see in my practice that I call it a current epidemic, and actually, I think if you look back in history with all the self-help books, it's been an ongoing epidemic.

Yes. That's just getting worse. It

doesn't seem to be getting better.

Yeah.

That's the way we talk about it, right? We talk about how this state of the current state of the world, and I, anyways, the perspective is a thing too. But in regards to not enoughness, You know, you look back, I mean, how far do we want to go back? You look back on our upbringing and where we learned what love looked like.

Right.

And that meant for me that I was not heard and grew up that way. And stepping into relationship and being married for 20 years and coming out of that and realizing When I, when I really dug into my patterns, and one of our patterns is not, not enough. When I realized that my primary pattern in my 20-year marriage was I was not enough,

hmm,

it absolutely blew my mind because I believed that I'm a, I'm a great human being. I'm kind. I, you know, I had this internal message about who I was and how I show up in the world as a woman. Yet in this one very important aspect of my life, I believed I wasn't and felt and resonated with not enough. So that caused me to dig into a whole lot of work around patterns, understanding self, and this not enough piece and where it came from and how to rewrite it.

How did you figure out that you were living in that not enough space in this relationship? Because I work with so many women who are high-powered women, who are very successful women, who on the outside in the world, they are killing it. They've got confidence. They, you know, have own— take ownership. And yet when it comes to their personal relationships, there can sometimes be a very different dynamic, which feels confusing, right? Especially to people on the outside because they're looking at this quote strong woman. Um, at what point and how did you figure out that that was happening inside of your relationship, even if it wasn't so much in the rest of the world?

There's this undercurrent of, of not feeling seen and heard.

And it's not that—

Right. But in the relationship, right? I mean, we all know that when I don't see— when we don't see the wound or understand it, it most— and regardless, it most definitely shows up in our primary intimate relationship.

Yep.

It's how we learn to love. That's how we learn to show up.

Yeah.

So we show up in that same way. It's so interesting because I looked at this person and I'm like, no, he's completely different than my family. Perfect. I've nailed it.

That's the trick on the outside, right?

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And so I think it's this— the thing that shows up in relationship, at least for me, was this Feeling unloved, feeling not cherished, feeling not important was that general feeling. And then when I started to dig in and work with a psychologist, and I actually went to the Hoffman Institute, that's where that cracked wide open for me. And I'm like, oh my gosh, not enough. What? Not enough? Are you kidding me? What is this? Felt very incongruent.

Yeah. And so in that lowest space, I mean, obviously you're here talking about it, you're writing about it. How did you get to a place of going from not enough in relationships to seeing your worth and value? And not just seeing it, but actually acting it out?

I talk about this a lot. And for me, it was connecting my head and my heart.

Mm-hmm.

I felt like there's often this differential. It's like, I know there's this inner voice in that relationship that's like, this doesn't feel good. I, I can't share the way I feel. I can't— I don't feel heard. I can't have a conversation or express an emotion. And that felt incongruent. It was just this real struggle inside. So to step— start to step out of that and recognize that Okay, this pattern of not enoughness is primary. I can see where it comes from. I understand who I adopted it from.

Mm-hmm.

And it doesn't belong to me. It's not who I am. It's not mine. It was handed to me and role modeled to me, but that's why it doesn't feel good. It's not mine. So there was a whole lot of work around Recognizing, you know, what are my values? Who, who am I? What do I want in this world? And then starting to honor that. Does that make sense?

It makes total sense. My first question is for the woman out there who's listening and is starting— is really just kind of seeing herself reflected in this or is resonating with what we're talking about. And she's waking up every day with that sense of, I'm not enough. I'm not doing enough. I'm not enough for my partner. I'm not enough for my family. Um, no matter how hard I try, I still can't make this relationship work. What would you say is her first step as she's listening to this and she's hearing and there's some awareness? What would you say is her first step?

Listen to your heart. Listen to your inner voice. That's the thing that we mute because it's when we, if we were to listen to our inner voice, especially in an unhappy relationship, that is Right.

Well, let's talk about that fear because that is the very reason why we don't see it. We can call that denial.

Avoidance.

And we don't want to look at it. We can call that avoidance, right? Sometimes we absolutely don't see it and sometimes we just don't want to look at it. And the main reason is fear, fear of loss, fear of rejection. So many women in codependent relationships fear that if they stop overgiving, they will be left alone. If they kind of stop over-functioning and that, that sense of not enoughness makes us over-function, right? And so if they stop doing that, they fear that they're going to lose love. So how do you break someone from that cycle of feeling like, if I stop this, then I'm, I'm gonna lose the very thing that I, I want, that I'm working so hard to get.

But is it, is it the very thing you want?

Well, the love is. I think the bigger question is, is that going to get you that? Because, yeah, we all— all humans want love. We all want love, acceptance. We want to be seen and valued. And so, that's what she's working so hard for. That's the story. Mm-hmm. The question, I think, isn't, do you want that? Because that's a very valid thing to want as a human. I think the question is, is all that work, all of that effort to prove your worth going to actually get you that thing?

No, because I think, in my opinion, because I agree that we, right, when we can sit in a place where we believe and embody that we are enough and that we deserve connection and that we deserve to be seen, and we start listening to that inner voice, which is No, this is right. I can stop doubting myself. What I need, what I desire, what I dream of and long for is okay for me to dream and want and long for. When we do that, there we no longer go to this place where we are desiring and needing to be chosen, because that's what we touched on. It's that when we sit in that place and we're giving, giving, giving, we so want that person to choose us. But really, when we flip the script and we're like, no, wait a second here. I know my value. I know who I am. I know how I show up in this world. And what I need to do is choose the person who's going to cherish my heart in this lifetime, not this, right? It's a different perspective on choosing.

It's a different perspective. And so we need to talk about what does that look like to choose yourself? And, and an honorable way, right? Because when we're waiting to be chosen, whether it's in a long-term, you know, a dating relationship or a marriage, when we're sitting around waiting to be chosen and hustling, right, for our worthiness, then that actually reinforces our shame. And so what does it practically look like to step into the role of chooser as opposed to someone who's hustling for worthiness and waiting to be chosen.

It often means a lot of goodbyes.

Mm-hmm.

And not necessarily just the relationship itself, but it's saying goodbye to all of those patterns and habits. And, and that often comes with a whole lot of goodbyes. Like, just, it's, it's about boundaries too, right? A part of that package deal when we hear self is boundaries and honoring boundaries, which often can come with goodbyes and letting go of things.

Right. I like that, that concept of letting go and goodbyes, saying goodbyes to some of the hopes, right? That hope that we could change the other, that hope that he could or she could see me in a way that I believe or I want to be seen. So it's saying goodbye. And, you know, in my book I talk about forgiveness and that aspect of forgiveness, which isn't And my way isn't the kind of traditional way that I think about— that other people think about forgiveness is forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past. And often we're attached to a past that may have been in maybe the early stages of a relationship, or maybe a glimpse of something we got. And we're also attached to this hope for the future. Meanwhile, we're suffering in the present. And if we can give up all hope of a better past and not attach that to the future, then we are left with the present and it becomes about acceptance, right? Acceptance of our partner as they are, and then acceptance of ourselves as they are, as we are, and learning how to, like you said, give to ourselves so that we are not always seeking to be chosen.

Yeah, acceptance is a thing. I think with, you know, in regards to your question earlier about How does— what does a woman do if she's sitting in this place right now? I think one of the most helpful things is to recognize that what the relationship is right now is what it is.

So if you say that again, right?

If seeing that the relationship today is truly what it is, it's— we can sit and hope that for it, like you said, to be something else, but when we can accept, okay, this Is what it is. Is this what I want my relationship to look like one year from today? Because if there's only— especially if there's only one person evolving and changing and growing and looking at it, it's— I need to recognize that this is what it is right now. And is this okay for me? From that place of choosing. I remember when that question was put on me when I was in quite an unhappy relationship, and I knew the answer immediately. I looked at her and I said, no, this is not— definitely not what I want to be in. She's like, well, I guess it's time to start to say goodbye. So acceptance and seeing it for what it is, is— it's a nugget.

It's hard to do. Hard. It's— yeah, it's so hard to do because we— and, you know, I just put out, I think my last week's episode was, what do we do when we want our partner to change and they won't? Right?

Yeah. Listen to that.

Yeah. And That's what it comes down to, is being able to accept the people in our lives just as they are, um, and then figuring out where do they belong in our lives. How can I approach this relationship with this person just as they are instead of the hope of what I want them to be, right?

The only thing in life we have control over is self.

Yeah, yeah. Is ourselves, right? That's, that's so true. That's so true.

We can, we can hope to change somebody and we can hope that the relationship will change, but the only thing we can count on is what, how we feel, how we show up, and what we choose to do. That we know.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And so for the woman listening, and you've said before that our healing journey does not have to be heroic, but for the woman listening who feels very overwhelmed by this, who feels stuck, Because I know that, you know, there have been plenty of times when I've heard, oh wait, it's up to me? Like, I have control of this? Or I should have control of this? Or there's nobody else to blame but myself? That makes me angry. And it has made me feel stuck because I want to say, but what about this person? Or what about that? It's so much easier to blame a situation or blame a person because it absolves you from having to do anything. And it can feel very scary when you take ownership. And so for a woman who's listening, and this may be her healing journey, or, or where she is right now hearing this, it feels overwhelming. What's one piece of hope or permission that you want to leave her with today?

You know, it makes me think of Byron Katie, that everything is figureoutable.

Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah.

When the moment presents itself and you need to manage it and handle it, you can and you will. And I think also recognizing when you're in this and you're either starting to discover that you're feeling unhappy in your relationship or you're years into feeling unhappy, that it is a process. And when you're ready, you will make the moves that you're ready to make and to free yourself of All of this, you know, sitting in confusion and I should and, and the fear. And it's just being honest with self, you know, journaling, talking it through, and recognizing that this will unfold as it will, and I need to trust that process and be okay with where I'm at. Again, it goes back to acceptance. Acceptance is the biggest gift. The biggest gift.

Yes. And being able to accept and being able to own your history of not enoughness and being able to walk into a place of being enough. All of that does not mean that you have to lose any parts of yourself. And it doesn't necessarily mean you have to lose your relationship. It means that your relationship will change 100%. It has to because it's simple relationship physics. When you change any part of a system, the other part of the system changes. It has to respond with change. And you yourself will change. And that's also a good thing. And a lot of times we fear change, but in order for us to get the thing that we want, if you wanna move from not enoughness to feeling a sense of, of confidence and self-worth, change is required.

Absolutely. Which is uncomfortable.

Yeah, it is. It is. And you don't have to take any big leaps or steps. As you know, I'm just talking to the people out, out there who are listening. Small ones work just fine, and small ones eventually get you there too.

And I've also learned that the hardest decisions we have to make are often the best decisions in the end.

Amen to that. Amen to that. And I also think the hardest decisions that we have to make, we know what they are, we just don't want to make them.

Inner voice.

Yeah, that is okay. It's okay that we resist change as humans. Um, And it's okay that you take really small steps. Thank you. Thank you so much, Christina, for being on the show. Can you tell us about a freebie that you're offering to our audience?

Yes. Yes, you— I'm hoping that you'll share a link, but you can find it at christinaketchen.com/masterclass. And it's a little dreamscaping exercise, which can help people. It's on point for people who are feeling some sort of sense of unfulfillment. And it's also on point and can help people who are, hey, I keep telling myself I'm not enough, or I need to be more, or I should, should, should. And it speaks to how to take a look at what's going on under the, under the covers and how to start changing those neural pathways with a really interesting little exercise. So it's, it's a, it's a great little freebie that I'm offering up to anybody who's listening today and wants a little support or guidance or an actual tool to a tangible piece that they can look at, move through.

Wonderful. And I will be sharing that in the show notes. Thank you so much for coming on to the episode to share your wisdom, Christina.

Thank you. Thank you for having me. It was really, really lovely to speak with you today.

Wonderful.