When You Feel Trapped In A Relationship You Chose

Hey, brave souls. Dr. Zoe here. Today we're talking about when you feel trapped in a relationship that you chose. But if you're listening to this, you know exactly why you clicked play, right? Because you've gotten to this point. It wasn't always this way, right? Decades ago, years ago, maybe months ago, you chose this relationship. Somewhere along the way, your relationship began to feel heavy, right? Initially, You were attached. You chose this. You wanted this relationship. And I'm gonna talk about some really hard truths today because part of the problem is you telling yourself you're stuck. So I'm gonna challenge you not to shame you, but to actually give you back your power. So I've been there and I know how it feels, that slow ache, that knot in your stomach, that sense of disconnect, that sense of wanting more. You start avoiding conversations because you already know that even if you have the hard conversation, you know what's gonna happen and it's not going to get better. That does feel very insurmountable. And so it's easy to just say, I'm stuck. And in my work, I see this all the time. I see women who tell me all the reasons why it won't work. I see women carrying disappointment. I see the burden. I see the sadness. I see the lack of hope. It's almost like a low-grade fever, right, in your relationship. And decades ago, you wanted this relationship, and you may not even be able to pinpoint when it took a turn, when it went wrong, or maybe there was a big thing that happened that caused a big breach. Either way, it doesn't matter. What you know is that today, right now, this is not the relationship that you chose. Maybe you've changed, maybe they've changed, maybe you've both changed. Maybe there's been a lot of passive-aggressive exchanges that have just worn a hole in that deep affection that you guys once felt. It doesn't really matter, and I don't wanna make you feel guilty by just talking about what happened because sometimes it's something so vague that you can't even really put your finger on it, but you know it, you know it. And so I wanna honor that. You know the feeling. There's that dull ache when you think about the two of you, when you think about your future, when you look at other couples and you see that they're so happy and connected, it can make you feel very sad and jealous. And you grieve that sense, that loss, right, of what you hoped you would have. So I could give you 10 things to do when you feel stuck in a relationship, but I'm sure there's a million places you can find that on the internet. But I'm gonna do something different. I'm going to challenge you and I'm going to ask you some difficult questions and I'm gonna give you some hard truths. So hard truth number 1, you are still choosing this relationship. You choose it every single day. And I wish I could let you off the hook by saying you're stuck, you have no choice, this has nothing to do with you. And I am not victim blaming in any way, shape, or form, but you do need to be able to acknowledge that this is a relationship you choose every day. And that doesn't make you weak, it makes you honest. Because once you get honest, then you can begin to ask yourself better questions. I'm choosing this relationship every day. Why? And they may be very honorable reasons. Your reasons— well, let's talk about a couple of them. Maybe it's commitment. Maybe it's loyalty. Maybe it's finances. Maybe it's fear. Maybe it's children. Maybe it's a belief about whether you even have the right to leave. Maybe it's religious beliefs about faith or marriage. So if you can acknowledge that you're choosing this, Write down your why. Maybe it's a very honorable why. Maybe it's a very codependent why. Maybe it's a little of both. Because in some way, shape, or form, all the reasons that I just gave could be valid and are valid, really. You've just got to do the work of honoring those reasons and admitting to those reasons and acknowledging those reasons, which means that that you are also acknowledging that you are no longer, never were stuck. You're choosing. And choosing is a position of power. Because when we sit and we're disappointed and things aren't the way we want, but we feel like, well, there's nothing I can do about it, that's a position of weakness. When you say, wait, I'm still choosing this relationship every single day, now that's a position of power. Why am I choosing it? And how do I honor the reason I'm choosing it? And despite the fact that there's a lot of pain in the relationship, you are still choosing it every day. And so that choice might be deeply honorable. And so then if that's the case, you need to acknowledge your strength. And that choice may be very codependent. And if that's the case, there's your work, there's your work to do. So when you move from a place of I'm stuck to I'm choosing, then something shifts. It shifts in the way you look at the relationship. Because now you're taking ownership. It can change from I can't do anything to look at what I'm choosing and look at how proud I am that I'm choosing this hard, right? This hard thing. When you choose, your nervous system softens because when you tell your nervous system I'm stuck, it's on alert. It ramps up. It's trying to protect you. It's worried, right? But when you tell your nervous system I'm choosing this, it softens. It relaxes. It goes, oh, okay. She's got this. There's this strange lightness that comes from honesty. There's conviction in knowing your reason and trusting that your reason matters. And your reason is going to be very different from somebody else's reason, and that's okay. You just have to come to it and own it. The next hard truth I want to offer you is the need for acceptance. Not the kind of acceptance, I'll just take this bad behavior. Not the kind of acceptance that says, I'm gonna endure this quietly. I'm going to be the self-sacrificial lamb, right? I'm gonna be a martyr. Not that kind of acceptance. Not the kind of acceptance that asks you to shrink, but the kind of acceptance that asks you to stop trying to change someone and accept them and love them fully for who they are. Now, I know you also want that too, but it's important for you to recognize that, especially if you've been in a relationship for a long time, Your partner is not going to change for you. They might change. There may be circumstances in life that cause them to change, but it's not—you're not going to be the catalyst of that anymore. No matter how much you nag, how much you threaten, you're not going to be the catalyst for real change. There might be temporary change, but real change—you've got to let them do that if and when they're able. And so, what your work is. Is how do I accept them? So how do you accept something that you hate? It's not about approving it. It's about finally being willing to acknowledge what it is. Because when we're in this place of trying to accept our partner or change our partner, I should say, when we're in a place of trying to change our partner, we're not really accepting who they are because we've convinced ourselves this is gonna change. I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna endure this, but it's because he's going to change or she's going to change. When you can finally get to the point of accepting they're not going to change, And so now what? It's not agreement. It's not permission. It's just finally accepting that that painful thing is not fine and it's not gonna go away. And that's not— and that's the place where you get stuck, right? Because you think, okay, I have accepted it and that's why I feel stuck. Well, you've told yourself you're stuck, but you haven't accepted it, likely. Because acceptance has nothing to do with the relentless hope that if you do better, if you hustle harder, if you change, then you're going to make them change. And finally, one day they're going to see right now you're stuck, but one day, right? When we let go of that one day and we ask ourselves the hard questions and we acknowledge the hard thing that this is who they are, and now how do I deal with this on a daily basis? And most people think acceptance is giving up, but it's actually not fighting with reality anymore. It's not distorting reality. Because that's where you start to feel this cognitive dissonance, which means there's a part of your brain that knows and another part of your brain that's saying no. And you've got these 2 competing parts of your brain, and that cognitive dissonance causes emotional exhaustion. And then you get to that place of, I'm just stuck. And so if you've been trying to change your partner for years, you're probably living in a state of chronic disappointment. And acceptance is a place that takes you out of chronic disappointment because you're not hoping anymore. You're accepting, and this requires a reckoning because instead of asking yourself, how can I fix this? Right? How can I make this better? How can I fix it? The question is, how can I accept it? And then you've got to ask yourself the hard question, which is probably what you're avoiding, which is, how do I move forward? Do I want to move forward in this relationship if this never changes? Because I've accepted that it's not, and I'm not pushing you to end a relationship because I know that that question makes people go, oh. Ending the relationship's not an option. Okay, I'm not asking you to end the relationship. I'm asking you to ask yourself a very real question: if this never changes, now what? So when you finally stop trying to change someone, two things happen: you grieve or you set yourself free. And you can do both too. You can grieve and set yourself free. Once again, I'm not trying to get you to end the relationship, but you do need to end your relationship with hope. And I know that sounds hard because in ending the relationship with hope that they will change, now you can grieve the loss, the very real loss, instead of keeping yourself in this, um, uh, limbo, right? Keeping yourself in this limbo where you're waiting and hoping and hustling and telling yourself the change is going to happen. You're in limbo and you're very disappointed and you're also very dysregulated. And so in order to get to a place of freedom and regulation, you've got to grieve. And grief is just acknowledging a loss, the loss of the fantasy of what you wanted for this relationship, the loss of the hope that this relationship could be anything different. And it sounds sad, but grief and being willing to grieve is actually the vehicle towards freedom. So when you're ready to grieve, then you can ask yourself better questions. How do I stop over-functioning in this relationship? What boundaries do I need to put in this relationship? How can I get these needs met outside of this relationship? Now when you've accepted and you're beginning to grieve, who can I process this sadness with? How can I continue to choose myself in the quiet moments when I'm not getting the things that I want? How can I quiet those phantom critic voices that tell me that I'm not good enough, that there's something wrong with me, because if I could be better, then I would get my needs met? So when you feel stuck in a relationship that you've chosen, it's time to start asking bigger questions. It's time to start acknowledging what that you are choosing, continuing to choose. It's time to kind of come back to yourself. There's no right or wrong answer. It's about honoring the reasons that you're staying, honoring the reality that you're choosing, and then being able to accept your partner as they are. Or figure out if you can't, and then what you need to do from there. You are not trapped. You are choosing, and you can choose again, and you can choose differently, but this time with open eyes. And that brave soul is where dignity lives. You've got this. If this is an episode that you feel might be helpful to a friend, please share. Don't keep this to yourself. There are a lot of women feeling stuck or trapped in relationships that they've chosen, and there's hope. And there's a way out, not necessarily out of the relationship, but out of the stuck point, out of feeling disappointed. There is freedom to be had when we start actually acknowledging what's happening. Reach out to me if you need some help. I'm Dr. Zoe, and I will see you next time on Stronger in the Difficult Places. Have a strong week.