Why Letting Go Isn’t the Same as Giving Up

Welcome to Stronger in the Difficult Places. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe. Today we're talking about when you are in a relationship and you can't figure out if you need to let something go, if you need to let the relationship go, or if that just means you're a failure. You've probably been socialized to believe that you just need to try harder, that you need to put in more effort, that you need to be a little more understanding and patient, and it will fix things in your relationship. And if you're struggling with any kind of complex shame, complex shame tells you, I'm the problem. And so if you're the problem, then your solution is to fix you, right? Instead of paying attention to what's happening in the relationship. And so we're going to talk today about what that looks like. What's the difference? What's letting go and what's giving up? And I also want to acknowledge that when someone tells you to let go, like I'm going to do today, it might not feel good. It might not feel empowering. It might actually feel like failure. And that's okay. You have that feeling for a reason, and we're going to talk about it. The first time I consciously recognized that I was grappling with this idea of what's letting go and what's giving up was after my second daughter was born. She was born with a very rare genetic disorder, and we didn't even know in the beginning if she was going to live or she was going to die. And for anyone who is a parent of a special needs child, or if you know someone who's a parent of a special needs child, you know that in the beginning when maybe you don't even have a diagnosis, or maybe you've just gotten a diagnosis, your entire life feels very enveloped in just trying to figure out what's wrong with your child and how to help your child. And I was in that space, and, you know, sometimes that goes on forever, but I was deeply in that space when my daughter— after my daughter was born and we brought her home from the NICU. And I remember walking outside with my younger kids too. They were like 2 and 4, and then I had this baby. And I had recently started a private practice Right before I got pregnant, which was beginning to really grow, and I was so excited. And my plan was to go on maternity leave and come back and continue my private practice. But then my daughter was born with all of her special needs, and I was walking in in the street in my neighborhood, taking a walk with the kids, just trying to get some fresh air. And this song by Kenny Rogers, The Gambler. Continued to play in my head. Why? I don't know. I don't generally listen to Western music. That's what— oh, country. I don't generally listen to country music, but this song, The Gambler, was playing in my head, and it said, you've got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away, and know when to run. There's a lot of other things in that song, but I felt like I was such a failure If I let my practice go, if I called all my clients and said, I can't see you anymore, I'm shutting it down. If I let go of my lease, I had to sell my part of my practice because I had opened a practice with a friend, a dear friend of mine, and she was kind of dependent on me to run this practice with her. And I, in that walk, and with that song playing through my head a million and a half times, I came to the decision that I needed to walk away. I needed to let it go. And the only reason why I could make that decision is because I was finally able to wrap my brain around this is not failure. This is a need that I have right now in this season of my life. This is a need that my daughter has right now in this season of my life, and I need to let it go. And letting go is not the same as failure. And we know we need to know when to do that. We need to be able to decipher in our life, use wisdom, use discernment to know When do I need to walk away? If you don't walk away when you need to, you will create havoc in your life and your relationship. You may think that by persevering, by sticking in it, you are actually benefiting yourself and your family, and most of the time you are not. So let's talk about what that looks like, because I want to be clear at the very top of this: I'm not talking about you leaving a relationship. So you can take a deep breath, a sigh of relief. No, Dr. Zoe's not trying to make me leave my relationship. I'm wanting to help you. understand what are the things I need to let go of and when do I let go of them. Here's a great rubric for you to use when you're trying to make that decision. Giving up says, I'm done because this is too hard. Letting go says, I'm releasing what I can't control, what I can't fix, and what I can't force. Do you hear that difference? Giving up comes from defeat, it comes from avoidance, it comes from disconnection. But letting go comes from clarity, it comes from truth, and it comes from self-respect. That's a huge difference because complex shame tells you to stay past clarity, to stay past truth, to push past peace. And then we call that commitment and we call it loyalty and we call it love. But what it actually is is self-abandonment. So let me give you an example. You're in a relationship. You've asked clearly a number of times for something that you need. You've been really patient, but your partner doesn't do anything about it. They don't respond. They don't hear you. They do not make the changes that you you know need to be made in this relationship. And so instead of asking yourself, is this relationship capable of meeting me, you ask yourself, what do I have to do to try harder? And then every time it doesn't work, and so instead of questioning the relationship, you question yourself. Or it may feel too scary to question the relationship because you feel like, I can't question the relationship because I'm staying in this relationship. I have to be in this relationship, and therefore I can't question it. And that, my friend, is the ultimate mistake. You may be making the decision to stay in this relationship, and that's okay. And you can still question it. You can still question whether it's meeting you. You can still question whether it is healthy. You can still ask the questions. You don't have to be afraid of the answer because the answer doesn't mean now I have to go. The answer means now I've got to do something. And I know that might sound scary, but it's doable. There is health in truth, and often you may not want to tell yourself the truth because you're scared that you have to then do something that you don't want to do. So let's put that one to the side and let's just look at your relationship honestly. So what we know is that we cannot change other people, we can only change ourselves, right? What we know is that your needs matter. What we know is that you need to work on communicating your needs clearly to your partner. And if you've communicated your needs clearly to your partner, if your partner refuses to meet you there, if your partner refuses to be curious, to hear, to be non-defensive, or at least to stick in it with you, even if they feel a little bit defensive, if your partner is refusing Then that is a signal that you need to let this go. And so what does it look like to let something go in a relationship? And so first, it doesn't look like letting go of the relationship. It doesn't look like ghosting them. It doesn't look like stonewalling them, which is when you go cold and you don't talk. It doesn't necessarily mean walking away dramatically. Sometimes letting go means letting go of their approval. Sometimes it means letting go of this idea that you can change them. Sometimes letting go means letting go of the fantasy of who you wish They would be, and who you wish the relationship or what you wish the relationship would be. Letting go means I see what is, not just what I wish it could be. And that can be really hard. I remember being in a very difficult marriage and hoping and praying and trying and trying and thinking that I could do it all on my own. And it was only when I came to that acceptance that I can't control anyone else. I have to let go of this idea that he can be somebody who he's not, right? And for me, of course, you guys already know that meant the end of my marriage. But I have worked with many clients when they get to this place of acceptance. It doesn't mean the end of the relationship. It now means the beginning of a new relationship, of new negotiations. It means the beginning of no longer abandoning yourself, and something in the relationship needs to shift. And it starts with you. Letting go actually means coming back to yourself because giving up disconnects you. Letting go reconnects you to both yourself and the relationship. Because when you're in this space of not letting go, of hanging on so tightly to this idea that your partner will change, you are not connected in the relationship. You are operating in the relationship as this agent of change. You're not loving your partner deeply. You're not accepting your partner. You're not coming to the table in two your interactions in the healthiest way because your focus is on changing them. Your focus is on wanting them to be different. When you're able to let that go, all of a sudden you're able to stay present in the relationship that you actually have. And now you can see what you guys can do together, what you can't do together, what you need to change. But you can't do that when you're in a space of trying to change your partner. And I'm not saying your partner doesn't need to change. It might be true that your partner needs to change in order for you to stay in this relationship, or it might be true that you need to change in order to stay in this relationship. And it's not about bending over backwards. It's not about putting yourself into a pretzel to make your partner happy. It's about changing your expectations. So first, I want you to notice, where am I over-functioning in the relationship? Where am I doing more than my partner's doing? Where am I doing more with this expectation of reciprocity? Am I giving more in this relationship than I need to? And I have to say, I know I'm talking to a lot of women, and a lot of women, that makes you feel like, well, wait, you're saying I need to give less in a relationship? We are nurturers. We love our partners. We love our family and our children. And so our natural response is, let me give more and maybe this will fix it. And I'm asking you actually to pull it back and ask yourself, where am I over-functioning? Because when you're over-functioning in a relationship, there's a reason. And usually it's because you're trying to pick up slack that your partner is not taking on, right? And you're wanting to change your partner. You're usually over-functioning in a relationship because you want your partner to do something, and yet you are doing it instead. So listen to that. You're over-functioning in a relationship because you want your partner to do it. And so then you do it, and then you develop resentment, and then you wish he would change, and you have this pattern. Of over-functioning, thinking that that's good, thinking that that's being selfless, and actually you're damaging the relationship. So where are you over-functioning, and how can you stop? How can you just take a step back and say, "I'm not going to do that today. I'm going to let him come to the table. I'm going to let him take care of that. I'm not going to hold his emotional space for him today." Because if you're doing all of the emotional work, you're actually not giving them a chance to show up, and you're teaching them that they don't need to. You're teaching them that they don't need to change because you are doing all the work. So I want you to pay attention. Where am I over-functioning in the relationship? Next, you've got to stop agreeing with shame. You've got to stop agreeing with the shame messages that say it's you, you're the problem, you didn't try hard enough. When you start to hear those messages, you need to say stop. That's shame talking, and I'm gonna speak truth. The truth is we're both coming to this relationship. The truth is, yes, I have my own issues and so does he, and it takes two. You're gonna tell yourself the truth because the truth is you are not the problem. You may be part of the problem, and it takes two people to work it out because you also cannot hold the problem completely yourself in a relationship. You've got to give some of it back to your partner so that you guys can work it out together. Next, you've got to get honest about your reality. You've You've got to ask yourself, how do I respond to what's actually happening right here in my relationship, to how he's actually showing up, not to how I wish he would show up, not to my fantasy of what it could be? How do I respond to this right now? Next, you've got to pay attention to your limits. If your partner is constantly coming home and criticizing you about something that's happening in the house, or you two both work a full-time job but he's asking you to do all the things instead of pitching in and being a part of, you've got to know your limits. And your words are, this is what I can no longer carry. And I'm going to be honest with you, that can make you feel guilty. It can make you feel like you're going to be rejected if you put up a boundary and say, hey, we've actually got to both take the trash out today. Hey, we actually both have to have these conversations with our children. Hey, I need you to show up and have the difficult conversations with me when I have something that's bothering me in the relationship. And once again, You can ask. And if they choose not to participate in the relationship, what you don't do is then take up that slack. If that's a conversation he should be having with his child, you need to let him have the conversation with the child, with your child. Now, it might mean that you're going to have a different conversation with your child, but what you can't do is ask for what you need, set a boundary and say, I will no longer do this, and then pick up the slack. You set a boundary and say, I will no longer carry it, and you give it back to him. You know, the hardest thing about letting go is this feeling of, I'm not gonna get my needs met if I let go. It's being worried about rejection. It's feeling like if I let go, I'm giving up and then I will never get what I need. It's a natural feeling and it's actually wrong because when we let go, we actually develop some confidence that's attractive. When we let go and we're not constantly begging and pulling and pushing, someone to change, their natural response is actually going to be to come towards us. It's this crazy psychological thing, and I know there's a part of you that knows about it. And it's not about playing games, it's not about playing hard to get, it's about deciding, I will no longer take on more than I should. I will no longer continue to expect you to be someone you're not. And so I'm going to show up with the knowledge of who you are And I'm going to move my life, even though I may be in the midst of this relationship, I'm going to move my life in a direction with the assumption that you will no longer be doing these things because you probably never have been, or at least you haven't for a while. And when you take on that stance, it is likely that your partner will come to you if there's any health left in the relationship. But I understand that it's scary and I understand that it's hard and I understand that the fear is that it will make things worse. But the reality is, by not letting go of these fantasies essentially that you have about your relationship, you are making things worse, not better. Now, I know a lot of women have come to me and said, but I need my husband to show up. I need him to speak to me well. I need him to listen to me and pay attention to the things that matter to me. I need him to show up more in my children's lives. I need him to take leadership and multiple things in your relationship. And I get that, and you do need that, and you ask for it always. And when he doesn't give it to you, you accept who he is and what he's able to give you. And then you have decisions to make. You don't keep living in the fantasy that he will be different. And maybe he will one day when you continue to truck on your own, but it's not likely to happen because you are pushing. And so the answer isn't, I'll take up all the slack. That's not acceptance, that's codependency. The answer is How do I structure my life now? How do I find other people in a healthy way, obviously, to partner with me in things that I need to get done because he's not doing it? Not how do I try harder and take on all the work on my own? So if you're in this space of questioning, do I keep trying or do I let it go? I want you to hear this: letting go is not the end of love. Letting go is the end of abandoning yourself. And that's where everything begins to change. If that hits something in you, you are not alone, and that is exactly the work that I do. And your first step is to stop agreeing with that voice that tells you that you are not enough, that you are the problem for wanting more, needing more, or seeing clearly. And remember, the most important relationship you have is the one with yourself, because that is the relationship that sets the tone for every single relationship you have in your life, including your relationship with God. So work on getting that relationship right. Work on accepting what is in your life, because of course your other relationships matter too. You got this.