Ep 41 Foundations for a Successful Relationship with Matthew Hoffman

Hey, guys. Welcome to Drew and you. On today's show, I have a very dear friend and brother who I've known for the past 15 years. I actually met him over in Tampa, Florida, and he just blew me away with how articulate he was, how much care, how much compassion, how much love, how much light he holds in his heart and he gives back to the world, especially in the area of his love life with his dear wife, Kim. And I got to witness it every time I was around them. There's just this magnetic chemistry. And he's going to talk today about having that in your life, in your relationship, in your marriage, or if you're in partnership with anybody, these rules, these principles, these timeless things can apply to it. So I'm excited to bring Matt on and dig into his new book. I'm declaring it now his best selling book, even though it's not even out yet. Kick Ass Husband. So without further ado, let's get into today's. I was telling them a little bit about how every room you enter, you just light it up. You're so articulate, you're so poised, you're so on point. There's so much love coming out of you, my brother Matthew. And it isn't any wonder why Kick Ass Husband is. And I already foreshadowed this for you, so you don't have to, but this will be. It'll be a best selling book.

So I. I hope so. That's the goal.

I don't want to.

I don't want just 93 of my friends to have it, you know, with a bunch of copies in the garage and boxes. That'd be terrible.

Yeah, well, I. And it's exactly like if you're somebody who likes to pick up a book and open up to any page like I do, you can find a certain headline, you know, that literally will speak to you in that moment and you can implement it immediately. So there's action steps in this book that you can take away and actually apply because there's a lot of people that read. 95% of books just sit on people's shelves. But we actually like to do stuff. We like to make our relationships really, really meaningful and deep. And that's exactly what this book allows you to do, you guys. So kick Ass.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Yeah, for sure.

It sounds like it could be a good. A good book quote. I don't know. Sounds like someone's been thinking on that.

I got to get that over to you, by the way.

Yeah, I'll Definitely do that. Tell us about the inception of this book, because you explained it, you know, a little bit. But you. You and Kim, your beautiful wife Kim, amazing family that you guys have there. It wasn't always as beautiful, right? It was. And it wasn't dead on arrival either, like you talk about, but it was.

No, not doa. Yeah. Listen, here's. Here's the exciting news, and this is a cool parallel. So the book comes out to the public. You can pre order it, but it comes out November 12th of this year, Drew. And that's our 27th wedding anniversary. And obviously, yeah, this book is gonna be dedicated to my bride, my number one Kim. And what's even cooler, and there's kind of some more symbolism there, my parents got divorced after 26 years of marriage. So I'm coming out with a book on the 27th anniversary going, hey, guys, I made it longer. You know, not. It wasn't right for a lot of different reasons, but has a lot of meaning because I was shocked. I was in college. I knew my parents kind of had a rocky road, but I think when the kid. I was the youngest, Right. So when the kids are out of the house, I think they looked at each other and goes, you know, kids are all gone, and our relationship sucks.

And to make it 27 years, when, what is it, 80% of people are getting divorced now.

Yeah. Marriages. And, you know, and number two, marriages and number three, marriages are even less successful. So people think I'm just in the wrong thing. I'm gonna move on. And, you know, the divorce rate goes up. I mean, every. I think the stat is, Drew, every 15 seconds, somebody's getting divorced just in our. That's tough. So, you know, the reason this book came out, because for a lot of years, you know, I've got an accountability group, a group of guys. I think, you know, some of them, our friend Frank Scheidler, the Frank the Tank.

Why Sage? And he's a dear friend, and he's older than my dad, but he and I are great friends. And he and other people said, you know, Matt, when they would hear what I'm doing or things I was trying with Kim, they said, most guys don't know how to do this, and it would be nice if you wrote a book about it. And when your friends tell you you ought to write a book, you kind of go, yeah, yeah, sure. And that went on for years. And then I just started taking notes one day in a book, and then I started getting chapter ideas. Then I started writing, and I kind of Enjoyed it. I had an opportunity about two years ago when I was changing careers a little bit, always doing real estate development. But I had a chance to really focus and make writing a priority. And anybody that's a writer out there, you have to focus. It is work. It's fun work. It's not just. It's not a hobby and it's not wasting time. So I really took it seriously and I said, okay, I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it. And I set my heart to it, Got an editor, and then the revelation was originally just me writing chapters through. And then when I got close to being finished maybe 60% of the way through, I said, I don't want this just to be a nice collection of stories. And so I looked for a guy in my area. I found my co author, Chris Cambus, who's a licensed marriage therapist. He's Gottman certified. John and Julie Gottman, who are, I'm sure you know, have heard of those names. And they're kind of the godmother.

And.

I have seven principles. Have the book, you know, for making marriage work.

Yeah, powerful book. And so I really wanted people, guys, husbands, especially boyfriends, to understand why is it important to do the things you do and what's the psychology or the reasoning behind it so that, you know, I don't know about you, Drew, but when someone tells me you have to do something, okay, depending on who they are, they might have a lot of influence, or they may not. I may truly respect them. But as a guy, we kind of want to know why. Why do I do that? Or what happens if I don't? Then you weigh the balance and you go, all right, if I don't do that, it's not going to end up really good, so I better get after it. I want a guy's men to understand the reasoning behind what they do in a relationship that makes it work and makes it last.

And I love the way you do it in the book, where it's, as an example, one of my favorite things to do as well as you. And it's your first thing, but it's watching the sunrise, you know?

Yeah. And then he explains it at the end, Chris does, of why that actually fosters the relationship in a very, very beautiful way.

Thank you. Yeah, well, I put that first on purpose because that was a tough point in our relationship, Kim and I. She was pregnant with our first child. I could say we were pregnant, but most women go, yeah, you weren't pregnant. I had a contributing role for sure. But I wasn't carrying the load. And it was a tough pregnancy. She'd already been on bed rest, and she wasn't happy with her body. She was like, I just want this baby out of me. And, you know, you kind of as a guy, when your wife is pregnant, it's tough to stay intimate and close and in touch because you just don't understand what they're going through. So watching that sunrise, we got up early in the morning, drove out to Davis Islands. Drew, you know where that is? You used to live out there in Tampa.

Yeah. Frank helped. Frank helped me paint that place. I remember that. We spent like a day in there. Frank came over with paint, and you could tell the way he was looking at me. He's like, ah, he doesn't really love this place, but we're gonna make it really nice for him. And I remember Davis island vividly. For sure. One of the best places to watch the sun in Tampa.

Yeah. Beautiful island community. Get to see the sun coming up over the water. We parked out there on a little Honda passport, suv, put the tailgate down. It had nice music. And we just watched the sunrise and said, hey, new beginning. Birth is coming. I love you. Let's connect and kind of reestablish why we fell in love and all the good that we have going on. Because the human circumstance was brutal. She's unhappy, she's not sleeping, she's uncomfortable. Lots of complications with the pregnancy. It was as tough as it could be. So we really needed to kind of ground the relationship and reconnect. We've done things like that many times since then.

Yeah. And I've been privy to receiving letters from you. So when I found that that was the second thing that you wrote in the book, I'm like, it isn't any wonderful. I remember you guys. I would get these. By the way, Matthew's handwriting is the hardest to read in the world, but I know.

I wish it could be better. It is brutal. I should have been a doctor. My handwriting says, be a doctor.

But just the class, though. I mean, I would literally, after spending any time with this guy, you'd receive a letter in two days. And you'd look forward to it because it had the nice wax stamp and just the extra attention that you put into this. And when you. Letter writing is a lost art. You talk about it. How has that served your relationship? And tell us a little bit about that.

Absolutely. Well, it's some of the hardest communication. And today in a digital media world, it's so easy just to send an emoji, a quick text, a video. Technology is great. It makes life convenient, but it kind of allows us to cheat a little bit and cop out on good old fashioned communication. I don't know about you, but when I get a letter in the mail and I see someone's handwriting on it, oh, yeah, I. I don't just take it and open it. I go, okay, I'm gonna do other stuff I got to do. I'm getting a quiet place, and I'm gonna unwrap that letter and read it because I want to enjoy and savor it. So I think the written word, you've got to be really specific about what you choose. And it doesn't go away, right? You've got it. It's a letter, it's a memory. And I've got letters from Kim. You know, love letters, love notes, cards, her expressing gratitude. I go back and I read them, and I've got them from my dad. My dad is 87, and he doesn't write a lot. And his writing, you think my handwriting, his. His is brutal, too. But, you know, he doesn't write much. So when I get a letter from him, it has huge import, and I get excited. And I love. Because you're hearing their voice, right? When you're reading a letter, you're listening to the person's voice as you read those words, and it's an intimate, great way to connect. And, you know, when I speak a little bit, Drew, not as much as you, but when I'm speaking to somebody, I say, everybody, raise your hand if you feel you get too much praise and recognition, right? Whether it's in work or at home. I have never seen a hand go up, right? It's like when you ask somebody, hey, raise your hand if you think you get paid too much for what you do. You're overcompensated. Right, People, no one is going to turn down an opportunity for recognition and praise. And it doesn't cost us anything. I mean, the currency is inexpensive. So it's really time because you're taking the time to do it. And getting that handwritten letter is just a gift. And I try to give that gift to Kim a lot. Not always no letter. I mean, even though I'm home now, my office is in my home, I still write letters to her in the mail. I do post it. I find cards that are meaningful and, like, she may have a tough time or be angry or struggling with something. I'll write her a note, leave it on her dressing table, and she'll just find it and she'll come and she'll say, golly, thank you for that. I really needed to hear that right now. So, to me, it's just kind of staying in touch and in tune with your spouse, your number one, and trying to keep that tank full.

Okay, so best card stock. Where do you get it? Where do you get the wax stamp and the best pen? I know? You know these things.

Oh, man. You know, so I have. I do have a wax seal. And to me, I put. It's an H. My last name, Hoffman. Right. And I put that wax seal on any personal letter that I sent to anybody because I want them to know. Ooh, you know, I don't. I've. Let me put it this way. Other than, like, a wedding invitation I've never received at one of my friends, I take it back. Rob Cantor, who's a good friend of mine and Frank's in my accountability group, he has one and he's used it, but it's rare. So it's something special, and it just signifies, hey, this is personal, and it's coming from the heart.

Okay. Now I feel bad because I bought a wax stamp and I have it, and I've never sent you a letter. And Rob is the only buddy that's done this. Like, I need to get on this. Matthew, what is the deal?

Come on. You got to kick up your game. Cannoli.

Come on.

And you've helped me kick up my game a lot in the area of. Of just watching you, witnessing. Cause I wasn't taught this. My dad didn't do this from my mom. But opening up doors for women, pulling the chair out. When you go to a restaurant, going above and beyond, you even talk about flowers. I love sending flowers out. I even sometimes send myself flowers. It's a sick.

Really, I've never done that. Hey, I should send them and include a great note about how much I love me. That's a good idea.

You need it. You can only love somebody as much as you do. Take care and love your. Otherwise, you're pouring from an empty cup. Like they say.

Oh, no doubt. And, well, you say about manners, Drew, my mom, okay, I say. I joke in the book. I say she's the Emily Post. Right? She's not really Emily Post, but even in a lot of our contemporaries, like, who's Emily post? You know, Mrs. Manners, right? I mean, my mom is the one that ingrained that in me. And one of the things I do Drew with Kim and any woman, really, when I'm at A table at a restaurant, and my wife gets up to use the restroom or leave or join the table, I stand and rise. And it is every time I do that, other women go, they kind of give the jab to their husband next to them, right? And they go, did you see that? Why don't you do that for me? And then, so my wife comes back, I stand up, and they stand up again, and they're like, come on, Matt, you're making it hard on me. That simple recognition, right, of any woman. I mean, I've had women blush and go, oh, stop. Don't do that for me. Why not? You're worth it, right? All it is, all it sends a message is, I see you, I recognize you, and I'm aware.

It's a whole nother level when you do that.

Everybody, if there's somebody you love, this is your number one relationship. You got to look for times that you can tell them they matter, they're important, and they occupy that number one slot. You can't do it enough.

And it's that connection. It's always thinking about that person. That's like a through line in your book. If I'm at the coffee shop and my significant other's at the house, bringing them back a latte, or if I'm at the store, thinking about them in those small moments and doing it consistently and that you don't have to be asked to do it, that's a big thing. That builds up the consistency. Feeling safe is huge for women as well. So there's a feeling of safety, like, he has my back. I don't need to think about everything all the time. I can receive. And that's super, super powerful.

It is. It's huge. And it's fun because it's kind of becomes a game because you're looking for those opportunities, right, to fill their cup. As you, you know, as you're talking about earlier and you know, Kim and I have, in our podcast, Kick Ass Couples Podcast, we have a concept we talk about Drew and I don't know if you've ever heard it, called overflow Thinking. And so in what you and I are talking about right now, if my job is to just fill. Kim, my bride, my spouse, my wife, my best friend, so full of love. The goal is, I feel her so full, she can't contain it. So what happens to all that love that spills out, right? It's gonna come out with every single person she comes into contact to. Her family, her friends, her church, our community, my kids, me. She's gonna have so much good. She's gonna be like, I gotta share this because I'm happy and I'm. I'm fulfilled and I'm feeling great. And then she does that back to me too. I feel good because she's filling my cup and loving me so much. I've got plenty to give to somebody else. And you know, when you don't get a lot of love, right, and someone's not just pouring it in you, you get that scarcity mentality, right? I got to keep it. It's mine because I don't have enough to share. Or if I give it all away, I'm not going to have any. I won't feel good because I'm not getting enough love. So. And that's a tough place to live. And it's not just. I mean, I give the most to the people I know and love, but I drive my kids crazy because, you know, I'm talking to the lady at the grocery store checking me out, and I'm telling her about her smile or seeing if I can make her day or something. I'm always striking up those conversations a, because I think it's fun, but I want to make those connections with people because when I do that, they give it right back to me and they smile, even a smile, smile. And saying hello to someone when you're passing them, just. Just those little cues, right?

And it's so uncommon, which is interesting because on an energetic vibrational level, the more we do that, the more it obviously comes back. But if you love your neighbor as yourself, you love God with all your heart and you live by those two rules. And you literally are a conduit for God's love pouring through you everywhere you go. It's amazing what shows up in your life, how much easy, how much effortless everything is when you live that way. And you're a living demonstration of that. I've seen you do that over and over again. And this book is just a guidebook too. Hey, maybe you've done a few of these things, but like standing up at the table, I've never done that. I learned that in your book. And now you better bet your booty I'm going to be doing that. Because it's just a whole nother level of respect. And in the small things, it doesn't cost anything. It's not like I'm buying a thousand dollar what have you. It's literally there's so much meaning in the smallest things that don't have to cost anything at all.

Absolutely. And you know, a lot of people Drew say you got to be 100% better. 100%, 110%. You know what? I'll take a hundred things, 2 or 3% better than one thing. 100. Because A, you can't really unless you're pretty bad. It's hard to improve one thing 100%. But if you do a lot of tweaks, think of the impact of doing 10 things in your relationship that just a couple percent better. They're going to get noticed and it's going to build up, right? It's that accretive effect. You're building that foundation and you keep adding those things. And you know, really just we all have to learn how to give our best to our spouse, to our number one. And it's really about prioritization. Where your priorities lie. Are they self based or are they based on other people and somebody else? And you know, you've heard the expression seeking your own in another's good. And I'm a firm believer in that. And I got to tell you, in my 54 years of cruising around this rock, I've never been shortchanged or felt like I don't have enough. And I'm learning, right? I make mistake. I am not the perfect husband. My wife will tell you that. I'll tell you that I have feet of clay and I make mistakes every single day. But it's. How quick do you recover? Mistakes are going to happen. I put my foot in my mouth. I was on a ruck with Kim. Let me give you an example. She and I have the weighted backpacks, the Goruck Nation. We're part of that thanks to a good buddy of mine. And we have £25 on my back. And we're hiking for an hour and 15 minutes. And it's talk time because we're hoofing, we're doing, you know, 15 minute miles with weight. And so it's a good workout, but we can talk and it's our time to connect. Towards the end of that ruck, we were having a really deep, intimate conversation and my phone rang and I looked up just to see who it was. And it was somebody, a friend who called me and I didn't call him back. So boom, the guilt came in. I'm like, okay, I better just take this call. And I totally blew off my wife in this deep conversation we were having. And I'm finishing up the call and she just looks at me and she goes, I can't believe you took that call. We were having a really deep. And I was like, oh, you idiot. Right? I was like, oh, open mouth, insert foot. And so we got back, and I said, let's go finish our conversation. No, no, no. I said, no, I screwed up. Give me some grace.

I don't know why I did that. I think the guilt overcame my common sense. But we went down, sat on the porch together, finished our conversation. I gave her a hug. I said, thank you for giving me the grace to try to recover. Yeah, I owned it, right? I mean, it's. We all going to screw up, but the sooner you can own it and step to it and say, I messed up, give me some grace. Because that's not the guy I am or I want to be, right? And she did, and we moved on. And it wasn't. She didn't. Wasn't mad at me later in the day or that she didn't withhold love from me because she knows that's not who I am. But it helped that I owned it in the moment, for sure.

Owning it. I think that's the biggest thing when you do mess up instantly, hey, I messed up exactly like you did. And it frees to be vulnerable, to be that vulnerable and, like, show your heart. It's hard for a lot of men. It's hard for me, specifically, because back in the day, I was abused, tortured as a kid, and being in trouble meant you're getting hit with the belt or whipped or beat or whatever it is. So it's hard to admit that you were wrong sometimes, especially with the person that you love the most because of that mama, the very first person that we enter our experience, it. And you referenced a good book in this. The Body keeps Score, which is super powerful. But one thing. Learning how to be vulnerable in those moments and just saying, you know what? I sucked back there. Like, that's not the best version of me. I like what you said, too. Asking for grace from your partner, because it's not you. You know, you were busy doing things and understanding. And one of the things you reference in the book is understanding your partner's language. So knowing how to speak to your partner's language, preferably, even if you're entering a new relationship, getting those conversations out of the way, like, those are the most important conversations to have. How do you feel loved, which you reference. Walk us through that a little bit.

Well, it's interesting you brought. You say two points. Drew and I want to. You know, you talk about your family of origin. Right? I know that you. It didn't start out great for you. And some of the people we've interviewed on a podcast, you never know what you're going to get right. And people get intimate and they share. So we, I. Kim always says, you got to go back to go forward. And she also says, grandpa's in your bones, which means we are all shaped and formed by those family of origin experiences. What did love look like growing up to our moms, our dads? How do they love us? How do we perceive their relationship? And so that stuff you got to deal with and you got to come clean with your partner because you got to say, hey, I need you to understand my origin. And I struggle with some things, and here's why. And if you don't have those conversations either right now, I mean, ideally before you start your relationship, because, man, you know, why is Matt stuck up on this? Why is he so hard? Why is this keep coming back? I didn't have those conversations with my wife about my family of origin, which I have. Then she has no context. She might take it personally, she might take it the wrong way, but she goes, oh, yeah, I know this is a real hot point for Matthew because of how he grew up or what his dad did or didn't do, or his mom. Right. She has no context. That's really difficult. So having those conversations about your family of origin is huge because you're opening up. And there is nothing my wife doesn't know about me. Nothing. And I tell you what, it wasn't always that way. Three, four years ago, we had some conversations that I hadn't told anybody. Things I was ashamed of, things that happened to me when I was younger, you know, coming of age stuff. And, and, and, and she looked at me and she said, I'm not going anywhere.

Nothing. You know, there's nothing you can say that's gonna make me turn the other way. She made it safe. And I had that. And so that was kind of the first thing that you talked about. The other is love languages, you know, and there's a well known book by Gary Chapman, the Five Love Languages. And that's a good start, the good foundation. But man, if. If you're loving somebody the way you want to love them and it doesn't speak to them, that's horrible. Right? Because you're spending all. You might think, oh, gifts, gifts. I was thinking about you. I got this gift now that's. It's nice to know someone was thinking about you. But, you know, gifts are not important to me. You know, my number one love language is probably time words of affirmation and touch. So when I hear and experience those two things from my wife, when she puts her hand on my shoulder and goes, you know what? I'm so proud of you. You know why I love you so much? I just go, oh yeah, lay it on me. Pour it out, baby. And she does. And, or she'll look at me and she'll, you know, just the other day we were at a concert together. We took a little day trip to Boston. We took the train down Drew from, got on Amtrak, wrote in business class and went down to Boston, got a hotel for the night and we went and saw Zach Brown band. It was 24 hours basically. But we had a ball and she put her hand on me during the time we had together. She goes, I am the luckiest woman. I'm so lucky to have a guy like you and I, you know, and that, that, that filled my tank. I mean just, just those comments. And so she knows my love languages and she works hard to speak and Bill and I do the same thing for her. And it's not a, it's not drudgery, right? It's not. And it's fun because you know, you don't do it because you're going to get back. But you know the law of attraction and you know, sowing retro reap, another principle that we talk about, it's huge because it's going to come back to me in spade. It always has.

I love that. I love that you referenced the five love languages too. I feel like there's more than five. I feel like there's specific love languages for individuals as well. And they work not only in your romantic marriage or partnership, they work in relationship in general with other people. So if there's any employees or anybody that you love and you spend a lot of time with, maybe it's a best friend. Understanding their love language is key because a guy like Matthew like gifts really, they don't mean much. I mean he is infinite opulence in whatever he wants. You can create it. So it's the words from other people, it's the love that they have to share. And you've had the same love languages ever since I've known you. We talked about this like eight years ago. Quality time was your highest one. I remember the phone call. I was on the phone with you and I had just moved and we shared a heart to heart. And that was your biggest thing was quality time and spending time as brothers way back then. And it hasn't changed.

Well, it's funny and as I Grow and get more mature. Experience, experiences, time with people doing fun things. I'd rather have the memory of that time than a thing to remember the time. Because, you know, that experience with my wife, we. It was. There were so many good things about it in, you know, 24 hours that we created and did and stepped out and some little different things. And it was that experience. We shared so much together because we both went through it. We both have slightly different viewpoints on it, but we also have so much in common. And, you know, whether it's a great meal. Right. You know, create making a meal. I know you do that. You share, you open up your home.

I'm nowhere near the chef that you are, though, right?

No, it doesn't matter, though. It's my hobby, though.

I love this book, you guys. I had a. I remember. I gotta interrupt you here, Matthew. I remember it was my birthday, and literally, this guy knows I love pasta, right? Spaghetti and all these things. And I show up to his beautiful house in Tampa and. And it brings tears to my eyes now, but I remember there was so much thought put into making three different types of pasta and every kind of noodle you could ever imagine. And just the detail of making my favorite meal at that time blew me away. And I know you talk about it in your book with Steak Diane, which really made me hungry, by the way, because I'm like, I gotta make some of this just again, I mean, we're. I'm killing it for all the husbands out there that are, like, listening to this and, like, gosh, this is really a whole nother level of relationship. So there's. That.

Food is great. Food is. I mean, everybody has to eat, right? And why not make it a pleasurable, fun experience and, you know, learning your spouse's favorite meal, I mean, you may not. If you're a guy out there that does not cook, like, you're the grill master, maybe you don't even do that. You order out, right?

Yeah.

But taking the time to learn how to do something that your spouse loves. One of the couples, Rob and Gabrielle, that we interviewed on our podcast group, she said, hey, honey, I want to go do sunrise yoga. We have to be there by six on the beach. And he said, all right, let's go. And he did it. And he said, they had a great time. She was happy because she was doing something that she wanted to do, and they did it together. So they undoubtedly had that experience. But, you know, doing things that your spouse wants or that your spouse appreciates, even if you. He didn't know how to do yoga. He'd never done that before. Or maybe very limited. Yeah, but, you know, stepping outside your comfort zone and being willing not to maybe be great at it. I guarantee you guys, if you're a lousy cook, you try to make your wife's favorite meal, you learn how to do it. I help. My dad's got a buddy, he's an optometrist, and this is. My dad had a stroke. Drew. I think he knew that. And, you know, it was right brain stroke, so it really affect his left side when that happened to him. An optometrist from the town he lived in. They didn't. Were acquaintances. Sought my dad out and said, you got to go to Rick in Chicago and get all this stuff done. And this guy has become a friend of mine. He said, matt, my wife's favorite dish is cacio e pepe, which is an Italian cheese and pepper dish. He goes, will you help me learn how to make it? I said, of course, Jack. And I did. And he did a trial run for my dad. He just sent me a text last week. He goes, matt, I made the cacio e pepe for Linda, and she loved it. And he was so excited. And she texted me, oh, thanks for teaching, Jack. I mean, so he created this little experience for her. He learned how to make her favorite dish, which is not easy because he has had a stroke too, but he did it. Did a trial run, and, man, it blew her away. And she said, I can't wait till your book comes out, because I can tell you who's getting a copy.

So. But he made the effort. I'm so proud of him. And that's all it takes, the willingness to make the effort.

Beautiful. Another thing you referenced in the book Matthew and I love, this is the bucket list. You share it together. Tell us about that and how that's changed your life and Kim's.

Oh, absolutely. So we all have. Well, everybody probably, if you don't have it written down, a list, maybe. At least it's filed in your brain. Right in the back file drawer there. Things you want to do or you think would be fun. And Kim was communicating these to me, and I said, you know what? One of them that you're talking about, she loves Celine Dion, and I do, too. She dragged me to a Celine Dion concert in Tampa, and I hadn't seen her before, and I thought, oh, no. You know, love songs, gushy, not guy stuff. And I was not real excited. But when I saw her in concert for the first time in Tampa. I said, this woman is talented, beautiful voice, great lyrics, great band. And so my wife goes, you know what? I want to see your live show in Vegas before she leaves. And that would be in my bucket list. And I said, well, why? I said, why are we waiting to do these things? And so I wasn't making a ton of money at the time when this happened and, you know, was trying to start some new stuff, but I said, I took those frequent flyer miles. I got tickets, I got a hotel room at the Bellagio, Companion, airfare, you name it. I was pulling out all the stops, and we went to Vegas. I'd never been. And we were there for three, four days, and I got tickets to Celine Dion at Caesars. And I tell you what, the concert was amazing and went to some great restaurants while we were there. But the cool thing about it, Drew, she knew nothing about it.

Yes.

So Wednesday night, I had my cousin fly in with his wife to take care of our kids and the whole school routine. And so Wednesday night, I go. I gave her a card to open up, and I go, I guess the price here. She's like, oh, okay. She opens up. She goes, what?

Vegas? I go, tomorrow morning, early fight, babe. She goes, well, what about the kids? Done. What about the dogs? What about. What about. What about? I go, done, done, done. I go, you just have to pack because we're leaving in the morning. Well, you know. And she wants to know outfits and what do I have to bring? And da, da, da, da, da. And I said, you just worry. You got to worry about packing. And that was hard for her because she's an organizer. She's a planner, but we went and had a awesome time, and it was one of the things on our bucket list. And I have done another one, too. She want to go to the Kentucky Derby, and my dad and his wife have really good friends that live in Kentucky and are kind of on, I don't know, some committee or something in the planning of it. So we did that as well, but she knew about that. But we got to go. We sat in the box, had a nice. You know, we saw it and went to all the parties and mint juleps, those nasty drinks.

But we had a good time. So we've done two things on her bucket list, and I'm sure we'll do some more.

Oh, I love that. And it reminds me of when Rebecca and I were together. I knew she loved Stevie Nicks. She was the biggest Stevie Nicks fan ever. Stevie Nicks ambassador. She would literally be part, like, the one running the club for Stevie Nicks.

Oh, wow.

They came to San Diego and I was like, I gotta figure out how to get tickets to this. And of course, it's like the week before last minute. So I'm like praying, I'm like praying to get tickets. Somehow, some way can we go to this thing? And sure enough, front row seat tickets actually show up. And I get the tickets. I surprise her. I took care of absolutely everything for her so that we could go. And we're literally. It's like a dream moment. It's so surreal. She still talks about it today. We're sitting there and Stevie sees her and she points at her waves and like, does the whole Stevie Nick smile during the whole Fleet concert. I get it all on video. So of course I captured this whole entire night. And it literally. It's one of the most memorable things that we have together. It was super powerful, brother. So you reminded me of that. It's going on.

Kudos to you.

Yeah.

Yeah. You had fun doing it?

Yeah, it was like the best. I think doing those experiences are more fun than anything you could ever do for yourself. How do I do that more for my partner and create memories for them and for us together? Because like you said, I think as men, we're like a laser beam. Our attention is very focused and the woman has this innate ability to defuse the laser and spread it to every single person. She comes in contact through her beauty, through her essence, through who she is. And I think that's super powerful. I love that. When you were sharing it, I had that visual. I'm like, this is exactly it. And that's why 27 years, you're crushing it. You're beating the 26 year record. And you're going and you're setting new destinations, you're breaking whatever type of family stuff that. That was up in the past. And. And that's powerful, brother. I. I admire what you're doing. And one of the biggest things you do every day, not only do you do it for me, because I feel it when you do this, by the way, but you pray for your partner.

Absolutely.

You pray for.

Yeah, you have to.

That's the biggest thing you can do.

It is my mom, when I was young, my mom would say the kindest thing or the nicest thing that you can do for anybody is pray for them. And she helped me understand. I try to kind of lay it out in the book a little bit. So people, you know, and if you're not religious or you're not of A specific sect. You go, I, you know, I wasn't church really praying for somebody. If I think the easiest way I could describe it is that you're choosing to see somebody else with God's eyes. Yeah, that's, that's all prayer is. Or, you know, you're not taking your own perception or looking at a human picture and saying, they are this, because this is what I see or what I feel or what I know. But you're just saying, all right, if God made this person in his image, how does he see them? And then I'm going to choose to see and relate and lift up and support them in that same way. So anybody can do it. It's just like anything else, right? It takes practice and commitment.

Yeah. Frank told me once he looked at me and he did his whole Frank move. I call Frank Father Frankenham, by the way. He's just so much love. And he's got these piercing blue eyes, you guys. It's like he sees all of you. He's sees your soul when he talks to you. And he put his hand on my shoulder and he said, drew, he said, I'll never see more of God than I see in you right here, right now. And when you apply that level of sight into your partner, into the people that you love and you're seeing them as God would see them, it's a whole other type of love that opens up for you. And Frank saw that in me and it changed my life in a second. And you do the same thing because when we're having our brother lunches or whatever, it's that type of love that is beyond the human, the mundane, TikTok world love. And that's what we get to bring more of on the planet. And I think this book, Kick Ass Husband actually allows people the opportunity to do that. It's like training wheels for any relationship that you're in. And it's tangible, it's not real heady, you guys. It's like actionable stuff that you can get into and apply right away.

I'm excited to see anybody that's listening to this. Maybe it's writing a letter and tagging Matthew and I on social, Instagram or Facebook. And we're going to leave all his info in the show notes as well. But let's see how many letters we can get out there to significant others. Just take a photo of it or a daily active service, something that you did for your partner and how it's working out for you. And also they have to pre order the book too, like that's one thing absolutely to do. And when's the book come out? November.

Comes out November 12th. It's available to the public on that day. But if you pre order the book, I've got a whole bundle of stuff. You can go to our website, matthewphoffman.com and you get a bunch of stuff. Not only do you get a hard copy of the book, but you'll get a, you'll get a copy of the ebook that you can have or share with somebody else. And we developed these really cool cards because, you know, I say write a letter. So we have, we have kick ass husband note cards like they're oversized postcards. And you get a free pack of those. You get to take the assessment. You get a bunch of things that take it over, like $100 value for 30 bucks and it's worth it. I encourage everybody to check that out on, get your pre order in.

Yeah. So the assessment, obviously you get the book. I think what would be cool is after the book launches, let's say December, mid December, December 15, something like that, anybody that buys the book, I would be willing to. And I know you, you probably would be too. But we're just discussing this now. I could have brought this up before the podcast, but maybe we jump on a 30 minute live and we take questions about the book from anybody that buys the book during November to the December 15th date and we can post details about that. We'll just jump on an Instagram live. We can address any questions you guys have or how the book's actually working out for you. I think this is life changing.

Well, thank you, we'd love to do that. Yeah, we're going to have lots of great conversations. So I mean, Kick Ass Couples Nation is going live in September. That's our membership site and the whole goal of us setting that up. We've got Chris Campbell, my co author, another female Gottman certified therapist. And we've got a couple, Jeff and Jessica Jennings, who have their, their, their steal is greatest marriage ever. And we're going to talk to people that are in relationships or out of relationships and say, how do we do it? We're going to look at our 13 pillars, focus on all those qualities and just really try to go deep dive a couple times a month with questions and webinars and do everything we can to give great resources to couples that want to, you know, anybody that's imperfect, that wants to level up, we can help. And that's why I'm doing what I'm doing. And I feel called and so excited about the opportunity. And, Drew, you're a blesser.

You're someone who's.

You are. You spread that love. And, you know, I'm the cio, Chief Inspirational Officer. You heard me say that before. Of kick ass, kick ass couples Nation. So we want to have those conversations and excited to do that with you, Drew, and talk about the book and how you're using it or maybe obstacles that might get in the way of being more effective.

Mmm. Beautiful, buddy. So. Matthewphoffman.com you can head over there, get the book. I think you can pre order. Do you have it set up on Amazon yet?

We don't yet. You can pre order right now, and then we'll fulfill it probably through Amazon when it comes out to the market. So that's an easy thing to do.

Yeah. So we'll leave the link there. Anything you want to leave with somebody who's maybe they're in the second phase of the relationship where they've tried a few things, maybe they've talked to a psychologist or they have an expert in their corner, but for whatever reason, the relationship is just kind of like, maybe they're still one foot in, one foot out. What would you say to that person today?

You know, gosh, I think one of the biggest thing is we have three Cs that we think are kind of foundational commitment, communication, and conflict resolution. And you got to start with commitment. And, you know, Chris says he's a marriage therapist. He goes, if a couple comes to me and they're not committed or there's questionable commitment, he will not take them on as a client. He says, it's your peeing in the wind. Right.

Wow.

Is your. And so it. You got to really address commitment first. Both spouses. And if you are if. And that means Drew, it means no plan B. Yeah. You can't say, well, you know, if this doesn't work out, then I can always do that. No, you. You got to burn the ships and burn the bridge. There's no going back. Because if it's a lifetime commitment and you're in it no matter what, come what may. Right. When someone else we interview go, I'm in this come what may, That's Chris Canvas, my co author. You got to be committed. So if you're both committed, you can solve anything, and the rest is just is opportunity and learning. But if you're not both 100% committed, I'm in it no matter what. It's hard to get beyond that. That's. That's a good place to start.

And I think there's freedom in commitment. I think that's.

It gives you freedom to screw up, right? If. If I didn't know my wife wasn't committed to me and I made that mistake on the walk the other day, she could. I could have been in the doghouse or she could have been out, or it could have blown up into something else because. And it wouldn't have been that moment. It wouldn't have been that issue. She would say, you know what? That's the last straw. That's the. That's the straw that broke the back of the camel. Because I realize you're not committed to me. You're committed to everybody else or everything else, but not me. And that was it. Boom. But I had safety because I knew she's committed to me. Drew, she's going to say, yeah, you're. That's really not who you are. You're right. And you owned it. So let's move on. So you can. If you can be committed and have that commitment unquestionable, no plan B, then you can. You can have those fierce conversations that are tough and work through.

So be committed. You guys. Commit to getting kick ass husband. Matthewphman.com Go check it out. This has been a beautiful podcast, my brother. It's good to see you live in the flesh on this zoom. We need to. We get to do this more. So blessed.

Yeah. And thank you for having me. Love what you're doing and support the work that you are. You're. You're a blesser and you're in that business. And. And we're working parallel traz, my brother. Hello, Parallel path.

Yes, we are. I'm excited to see what's to come. I mean, this is going to be. It is already a big bestselling book, so get it. Check it out. And. And the retreats and everything, too. I'm excited for your overall plan of. Of what's going to take place in the next 12 months. Pretty powerful.

Lots of good y. Thank you.