482. The Power of Unity in Persuasion

Welcome to episode 482 of the Brainy Business Understanding the Psychology of why People Buy Today's episode is all about unity. Ready? Let's get started.

You are listening to the Brainy Business Podcast where we dig into the psychology of why people buy and help you incorporate behavioral economics into your business, making it more brain friendly. Now, here's your host, Melina Palmer.

Hello. Hello everyone. My name is Melina Palmer and I want to welcome you to the Brainy Business Podcast. Imagine you want to influence someone's decision, whether it's getting your boss to buy in on a new initiative, selling someone a car, getting someone on your team to help with a project when they don't have to, or even getting a family member to change their behavior at the holidays. Possibly the hardest of all, does it matter to first remind them that you say grew up in the same area? Or that you've worked on the same team for seven years? Or that you have kids around the same age? Or that you are both Peloton or CrossFit converts? It may seem like these sorts of things aren't important, that they couldn't possibly change the direction of the conversation, and that bringing them up in this moment is definitely weird. And they obviously know how long you've worked together, so why bring it up when they know it? But it turns out that because we're all busy and tend to forget things in the moment, reminding people of those unity binding elements what makes you a we, and showing that you're on the same team before you ask for a.

Favor or pitch an idea can go a long way.

This episode, which originally aired in August of 2022, is all about unity, Cialdini's seventh principle of persuasion. And since you're a lifelong learner interested in psychology just like me, see what I did there? I know you're going to love it. Don't forget, links for my top related past episodes and books are waiting for you in the show. Notes for this episode, which are found within the app you're listening to and at the brainy business.com 482.

All right, let's talk about Unity. So why Unity? While I've dedicated episodes to several of the initial six principles of persuasion, including scarcity, social proof, reciprocity, and pre commitment, I haven't done them all yet. So why jump to the end with Unity before completing the set, so to speak, There are a few reasons for that. First is because, as Cialdini says, it's an underlying principle that runs through all the others. If you have unity and everything else can come easier. So understanding this principle and technique can be impactful in most any approach, so that's a big benefit. Second, I chose this one because while there's a ton of information out there about the first six principles, as I said, that first version of influence came out in 1984, so people have been learning and sharing about them for a very long time. There is surprisingly little to date about Unity, so I felt adding an episode on this topic would provide the most value for everyone looking to be more influential in their communication and presentation of information. Lastly, it's because I have a whole section on Unity in my new book, what your employees need and can't tell you, which is now on pre sale coming out October 11, 2022. So I I wanted to have an expanded version of an episode to tie back to in the book when it comes out and is officially in print and in your hands coming up here in early October. So win Win Win Win win. That being said, before we jump in, here's a really simple roll call of the first six principles to summarize them for those who aren't yet familiar. First is reciprocity. When given a gift, even something incredibly small, people feel compelled to give back to the gifter. Giving someone a little something can make them more likely to want to do business with you. For businesses, I often use the example of lead magnets. For me, the podcast is a big gift I give out to the world and the freebie worksheet I mentioned for this episode. While I do love just sharing information with people, it's also something that makes it so someone is likely to give an email address to be able to get that particular item. That can lead to future sales and engagement, shareability, whatever else. But by giving first, it makes it easy for people and they feel compelled to give back to you in some way. And it doesn't have to be big stuff. And as I've said in those episodes a lot, I don't do them just to get things back. I don't need to get into that now. Anyway, the next principle we have here is liking. People are more likely to do business with people they like easy enough. We're also influenced by people in authority, even when they don't have any expertise in the area we may be asking about. Your doctor, of course, gives great medical advice, but may do terribly in their investments. So why do we feel like this person of authority would give good stock advice? It's one of many quirks of our brains, authority, especially when someone else is vouching for your experience. Your expertise is a really big influencer of people along those lines. Because we are a herding species, we're very influenced by social proof. These are your testimonials, most popular call outs and star ratings. Especially when we are in unfamiliar territory, knowing what others like us have done in the past helps us to make our own decisions for what we want to do. We're also influenced by items that are scarce. We find them more valuable, our FOMO and loss aversion are triggered and we feel a need to act negative now to get that thing before it's gone. Lastly, we have commitment and consistency. People like to be consistent and do what they have said they will do. They also like to do business with people who do what they say they will do. Showing that you've done this is powerful. When my friend Brian Ahern, who is a Cialdini certified trainer, was on the show recently, he shared about how he uses this in his emails by saying, as promised, the proposal we discussed is attached or something of that nature. As with all these concepts, you may be thinking that's so small it couldn't possibly make a difference, or people should know that, or that shouldn't matter. This is a logical decision. It's not about my personality. Well, everyone who's listened to the show for a while probably isn't thinking that because you've heard far too much evidence showing how all that isn't true and know that all these little things really do matter and and make a huge difference because our brains are weird. And isn't that such a great thing? If people aren't buying what you have to sell, whether it's an idea or a physical product or service or anything else, it doesn't necessarily mean the idea is wrong or bad. It doesn't necessarily mean it's priced too high. It doesn't even mean that they don't want it. You don't need to go back to the drawing board and change everything. You. You can often just change the way you're presenting the information and it can make everything easier. And one of the most simple, compelling pieces of that premise is what we're here to talk about today. Unity. Unity goes beyond liking or social proof, even though it's pretty closely related. And it's in that space of how we are the same, it's not just that I like you, but we are, as they say, cut from the same cloth. When you're part of my tribe, when we are a we, I become more compelled toward whatever it is you're asking for or offering up. I always picture that GIF or gif, depending on how you like to say that. From the Wolf of Wall street with Jonah hill and Leonardo DiCaprio saying, one of us, one of us. When I think about this principle. So that connection is really getting into the unity. It isn't superficial stuff like say we're getting onto the same train right now or we go to the same dentist. And while it can absolutely be meatier stuff like going to the same church or being part of the same sorority or fraternity, it doesn't have to be quite that deep of a connection either. We all have a lot of identities that we flow between throughout the day that aren't quite as weighty as some of those I was just talking about. And a book that I highly recommend on this concept is the Power of Us by J. Van Bavel and Dominic Packer. Dominic was on the podcast talking about the book in episode 178. It's on a very similar wavelength to the concept of unity and how we behave with our groups where we see ourselves as an us or a we, how we treat others who are part of the group that is part of our deeper identity, and how that differs from our behavior toward those who are not part of that same group. Here's Dominic sharing about the different types of identity and how we define ourselves alone and in relation to others in his own words.

One of the things we describe early on in the book is something called the 20 statements task or test, which is sometimes given by psychologists to get a sense of what is somebody's identity. And basically it just involves filling out the phrase or completing the phrase I am 20 times. You know, so you can say I am Canadian, I am male, I am a professor. You know, all would be things that would be part of my identity. And what's interesting about this is first of all that it's actually easy for most people to come up with 20 self defining things pretty quickly off the top of their tongue or top of their head. So there's clearly already multiple aspects to the self. And then when you look at the kinds of things that end up on the list, you can group them in various ways. Some of the things that will get listed as self defining are really personal characteristics. So things that make me as an individual different from other individuals. These are often our personality traits or perhaps unique skills we have or a hobby we're really passionate about. Other aspects of the self will be relational. So it's the roles you have in relation to Other people. So being a daughter or a father or being a student in relation to a professor. Those aspects of the self are sort of defined in relation to specific others, also often very important in our lives. And then the third category which we end up focusing on most, for most of the book, are what we call collective identities or social identities, which are defined by the groups we belong to. And these can be everything from your race, your religion, your gender, your nationality, but also occupation, occupational based groups, or even just being the fan of a, you know, a particular sports team. And for different people, it's different collective identities that matter. But for many of us, some really key aspects of ourselves come from these groups, right? These, these become very important to us. We become very emotionally attached to them and they drive a lot of the way we think about the world, the emotions we feel and the decisions we end up making.

As Dominic shared there, the way we identify with a group can shape the way we see the world around us and the decisions we make. That may bring up the question about how things shift throughout the day and how you may consider leveraging the idea of unity and how presenting the right information just before a decision point can be so powerful. In case you're wondering how often we transition from one identity to the next throughout the day, here's Dominic explaining that a little bit more.

But the key, or a key idea is that even in the same person, during the course of a single day, different aspects of ourselves will come in and out of focus, right? So we wake up in the morning and you know, you're preparing your kids breakfast and it might be self as parent that's particularly salient to you. And then you get in the car and you're listening to the news and it might be your political identity that becomes salient, right? You hear about a politician doing something you agree with or something you think is really stupid, and you're thinking about the world through the lens of your politics. And then you go to work and it'll be your occupational identity that's going to drive most of your behavior throughout the day. And then you go home at the end of the day, you're a parent again and maybe a romantic partner and so on. And we're all aware, I think at some level that our behaviors are not exactly the same at those different points in the day when we're operating through these different identities, and that our preferences might be a little bit different and even our goals and our decision making might be a bit different.

Again, as a reminder, the full episode with Dominic Packer discussing the Power of us was episode 178, which is linked for you in the show notes for this episode and can also be found@the brainybusiness.com 178 so with that in mind, let's tie this back into Unity with an email conversation I recently had with Bobette Gordon, who's Vice President of New Product Development at Robert Cialdini's Organization Influence and at Work. We were emailing about Unity in preparation for this episode and she had said to me, a key to Unity is finding what is central core or defining to both people. So it's not that you both like pineapple pizza. It's more like you and the other person belong to the same church, have been professionally trained in ballet, are cancer survivors, have fought in the army at the same time, are single parents of teenage girls, practice family law in Chicago, graduated from Georgetown, volunteer for Doctors Without Borders, both play jazz piano or have the same name. Once you read Unity, I'm sure this will all make more sense and I'm sure you'll see applications all around you. After all, we're both Aggies. Fortunately, I already really like and liked Bobette at the time of this email and didn't need any extra nudge in our connection. But if I was on the fence or unsure or this was our first interaction, this little eggy mention could have helped me to realize that we are on the same team. It's also interesting to note that she wasn't asking me for anything in that moment. In reality, I had asked her for a favor, but that shows how the Unity principle can go beyond the short term priming sort of example where you leverage it at a key moment just before asking for something. If it can also be an investment in future connection and making it so that other person is thinking of you proactively as someone on their team, as part of their we to think about this at work. If there's someone who you know has a lot of influence that it would be valuable to have think fondly of, you invest a little time in getting to know them and learn what they care about. Bringing it back to Brian Ahern, when he was on the show last talking about his third book, the Influencer, he talked about the principle of liking and how instead of looking for ways to get other people to like him, he looks for things he likes about those he interacts with. When you find something that you like about someone else, it creates a connection that makes them in turn like you more. It's a bit of reciprocity in there. And my recommendation would be to look for the things that unite you, that are part of your identity and who you see yourself as. If you can connect on that level with people, it makes all your other interactions easier. And that list from Bobette does a really good job of showing the wide range of things that can be core or central to how people define themselves. It could be based on professional training or school affiliation, a favorite sports team, or maybe even a book or movie series you really identify with, or a favorite band if you've been to a lot of their concerts, or you use that as part of identifying who you are. And as you heard from Dominic in that first clip about the 20 statements task people have a lot of different identities they flow between throughout the day. If your I Am list would include a Beatles fan or a wine aficionado, if someone came and asked you if, say, you watched McCartney 321 yet, or if you mentioned that you too are a member of a specific vineyard's wine club, that can trigger the connection where they think of you as an extension of their own identity. One of us. One of us. This shows the benefit of getting curious with other people and genuinely listening to what they care about and what defines them. Don't do it only to get something from them. Instead, ask good questions and know that there will be some commonality to that will help you to find them more interesting and engaging and give you something to talk about and that it is possible that they will think of you more fondly as well as long as you aren't totally self serving in the way you interact with them. Also know that when you need to ask people for things, your own existing affinity groups or people who you would say are part of your I AM group are a great place to to start because they are most likely to say yes to you. And if you're wondering what that looks like, why you would want to do that, what the benefit might be, and how it would sound without feeling super over the top. Here is a little snip from Dr. Cialdini when he was on the podcast in episode 157 sharing a personal experience of leveraging the Unity Principle when interacting with one of his colleagues.

I can tell you an instance where the Unity Principle worked for me after I recognized its power. I was writing a grant application and it was due the next day and I realized as I was reading through it there was a gap in it. I didn't have some data that I really needed to make this point. I was claiming in there. But I knew that a colleague of mine had the data in his archives, so I wrote him a little email saying, Tim, not his real name. I. I have this due tomorrow and, and I could really use your help with this. Could you go to your archives, get, get the data out, send it over to me so I can. And I'm going to call you and explain further. So then I did call him, and he was. He's a kind of irascible guy. He's known to be difficult. And he said, bob, I'm sorry, I can't be responsible for your poor time management skills. The answer is no. And before I read the research on unity, I would have said, come on, I really need this. I got this thing due tomorrow. He'd already said no to that. I said, come on, Tim, we've been members of the same psychology department now for 12 years. I really need this. And I had the data that afternoon.

Wow. Isn't that just an amazing example? I still love the simplicity of this and how impactful it is. He mentioned something that was a known entity. By all accounts, this colleague, Tim knew that they had worked together in the same department for over a decade. So why did it need to be said? And why did it have such a and impact? First off, remember, we're all naturally cued by the triggers all around us all the time. It could be the people or a place, or an action, or an image. We transition between these identities naturally and effortlessly, without conscious thought all day long. And it colors our actions and the way we think about things. So bringing one particular aspect of your shared identity to the front of their mind at the right time, making that particular shared identity salient at the right moment is key for using UNITY in your life and work communication. Expanding on this, Bob has another example. He's used to talk about the power of adding a simple sentence before an ask. This story is of a young woman who was asking people on a college campus to donate to United Way. When she said, I'm a student here too, before asking for the donation, her contributions more than doubled. Now, once again, that's bizarre, right? I mean, if you're a student at a school and there's a person around your age who's on the campus asking you to do something, sign a petition, volunteer, donate to a cause, wouldn't you assume they are a student there too? It seems pretty much implied, right? I mean, people should know that.

So.

So why does saying it have such a big impact? It's because people are busy and their brains are Even busier. Reminding someone of that important detail at the right moment can have a massive impact. And as with all behavioral science, they likely wouldn't even notice that their behavior would be different from one condition or the other. What I mean by that is if you were in the group who was asked to donate with the mention of being a student and you said yes, you wouldn't really register that the statement had any influence on the choice you made or realize that you acted any differently than you would have in any other encounter. We don't realize or categorize how we respond to things like this and how this one time was different because of X, Y or Z. In fact, we likely forget the vast majority of those actions as they all become a blur of things we did yesterday or five years ago. And again, that identity of the type of person that we are. Even if you never agree to this sort of ask, but this time you did, it likely won't register too greatly on your brain or how you think of yourself in the way you respond to requests like this. There's a little bit of the peak end rule in here, and it also ties back into the commitment and consistency principle from Cialdini. We form form an idea of who we are, what we're about, and the brain is really good at explaining why every action supports the way we see ourselves. I've talked about cognitive dissonance on the show before, which is when the brain is presented with a conflict of some kind and wants to resolve it. Say if you believe you are an ethical person, which most people do, and you do something against your personal moral code, you, you may feel some discomfort at that point. This is something Dan Pink and I discussed when he was on the show recently in episode 214, talking about his fantastic book, the Power of Regret. While not all cognitive dissonance results in regret, and it definitely isn't all long lasting, we do feel some discomfort when we do something or are presented with information that goes against what we believe at the core of who we are, what we're about, and anything along those lines. And the brain is amazingly skilled at rationalizing why that behavior, whatever it is, still fits into our box. It's really good at resolving that dissonance. And we will often reframe the way we look at our own actions so that we still see ourselves as a good, moral, ethical person who made this one decision. Because whatever we need to tell ourselves to resolve that dissonance in a way that makes us feel good. And if someone who was in one of our shared identity groups. The person we would say is of us did the same thing. We might rationalize their behavior as well in a way that we would not for someone who is in the out group, who's not of us. This is called fundamental attribution error and it leans on this basic benefit of the doubt that we get for this unity principle. The long term benefit of people knowing that we're in that same group so that they're going to give us that benefit of the doubt. If anything ever goes a little bit wrong, or when you ask for a favor or anything else, they just see you in a more positive light. And it's important to know that you have this going on in your own brain all the time in the way that you're looking at people, whether they're in your in group, whether they're part of your unity circle or they are outside of that. So it's important to keep all of that in mind. As I said, the unity principle and all of these concepts really I've talked about in the episode are featured in my book what your employees need and can't tell you, which is coming out here October of 2022 and is now on pre sale. So I am really passionate about all of this. I have a lot more to say, but for now I'm gonna just put a pin in that and know that there are links to all these past episodes and books in the show. Notes@the brainybusiness.com 216 the other main point I want to make before we close out the show is that our busy brains have a lot going on. And when you're asking for something or offering something to someone, the way you present that information matters. And one reason is because the brain will assume that whatever you bring up is being brought up for some reason, and it has a lot of weight on the decision the person makes in that moment. One mistake a lot of people make when they're asking or offering things is they let their own discomfort about asking cloud the ask itself. If you feel uncomfortable and hedge around the conversation, it can prime the other person to feel like they should be uncomfortable too, and that something is wrong. They might not be able to articulate it, but they don't feel good about making the decision. Not because of what you were asking for, but because of how you asked your own focusing illusion can cloud the whole experience and make people say no when they otherwise would have said yes and been happier about it going back to the student asking for donations on the college campus. Often when people give to charity. They feel good about themselves and have a bit of a glow from their actions. So theoretically, asking with the UNITY statement up front made it so they changed their behavior in a way that made them also feel better about themselves. It's pretty cool, right? And in the spirit of behavioral economics, no one is forced to do anything. So those who hate that particular charity or don't have the money to give or whatever else are under no obligation and may not do the requested thing based on the Unity statement. But maybe they end up forming a new bond with someone who they didn't already know and add to their own in group of people, which I think is a pretty great thing too. If that's the worst thing that happens, I think we're in a good spot because in my opinion, the world needs more people who are thinking kindly of others and giving them the benefit of the doubt. If we all seek to find some of the ways we are like others and have more deep human connection, I say it's just a win across the board. In that spirit of human connection, unity is an amazing concept that can help you relate better to those around you and have a higher likelihood that things will just flow better and be easier for you. And in everything that you do, it's really a powerful tool and one that doesn't really have a downside. So here is my challenge to you, which you can practice and go through and use with the free worksheet for this episode on the Unity principle@the brainybusiness.com 216 so the first thing for you to do is the 20 statement challenge Dominic talked about in the snip from his episode on the Power of Us you're going to write out. I have prompts for you Those I am 20 times. Fill in the blanks. I am a mother, I am an author. I am an Aggie, I am a Ravenclaw and by proxy a total nerd. Make your list on that freebie worksheet and do at least 20 of them. Next, pick three people whom you can practice on finding a new opportunity for UNITY with. Now, I don't recommend starting with your best friend or someone you already know you have a lot of positive connections connection with. You also don't have to go to your work nemesis or anything like that. Maybe someone you've wanted to get to know better, that is maybe someone new on your team at work or someone you've seen at the dog park. It doesn't really matter. With each of those three people, take the initiative to do that initially scary thing and start a conversation. Being ready to ask some good thoughtful questions. Not in a I'm checking things off a list until I find our point of connection and can move on sort of way, but real thoughtful questions where you listen to their answers. You can start with questions that might lead you to some of your own I am statements if it helps, which is why I had you do that first. That being said, it would be weird for me to walk up to a stranger at the dog park and say, hey, which Hogwarts house are you? Unless maybe their dog had a Harry Potter leash or something. So you might start small and work your way up to that. But using the wisdom of Brian Ahern, you are looking for things that will help you to like someone. So you can ask about things that you like, but again, don't make it all about you. If you ask enough questions and find something the other person is passionate about, you can usually find something that you can connect on. This is an investment in your long term relationships and having the unity principle work for you just sort of in the grand scheme of life. The second challenge you could take on is to look at the short term. If there's someone you need to ask for a favor from or to pitch something to. Ideally this is someone who you're nervous about asking or feel like it almost never works out like Dr. Cialdini's notorious, notoriously difficult colleague. What's the thing you could say before asking for whatever that thing is that will trigger the unity principle? It could be as easy as modifying Bob's example of we've worked in the same psychology department for 12 years and saying we've been working on the same team here at ABC for six years. Or if there's a different type of connection, you can of course use that. Remember, it doesn't have to be some massive new connection that you're finding. You don't have to do this whole, you know, mining exercise I was talking about in the first long term connection attempt to be able to do this. Now it can be something simple, but you need to pick something that ties into their core identity and who they are. Give it a try when you make the ask and see how it goes. If you expected that they were going to say no anyway, what have you got to lose?

So what got your brain buzzing as you learned about UNITY today? For me, I always think of that story Bob told me when he was on the show about the curmudgeonly colleague who always said no and in fact just said no in kind of an aggressive way, and then with the simple reminder that they'd been on the same team for that specific number of years.

He completely changed his perspective. He said yes and followed through.

And assuming that Bob didn't use that as an open invitation to just keep asking for more and more stuff, I'm guessing their relationship actually improved a bit after that because they might like each other a little more, and Bob then wants to reciprocate and do something nice for his colleague and it can all start this really wonderful virtuous cycle. They don't have to become best friends.

Of course, but there can be positive.

Momentum, which in many cases is enough. Who's that person you struggle to connect.

With, who you can't get to budge no matter what?

Invest some time in understanding what you.

Have in common, where you're a we.

And not just in superficial ways, and.

See how you can open the door.

And be kind first. What can you do to support them a little? And then how can you reinforce where you're a we? And if you want to learn more about how to make this actionable, you will love my conversation with David Robson, author of the Laws of Connection, which is coming out in just a couple days. It's a great opportunity to transform your network and connections, so if you aren't already subscribed to the Brainy Business podcast, now is a great time to do so. To ensure you don't miss that or.

Any other episode as we close out.

The show, don't forget about those show notes with links to my top related past episodes and books and more.

It's all waiting for you in the.

App you're listening to and at the brainy business.com 482 and just like that, episode 482 on unity is done. Join me Friday for a brand new episode with David Robson, author of the Laws of Connection. It's going to be a lot of fun. You don't want to miss it. Until then. Thanks again for listening and learning with me, and remember to be thoughtful.

Thank you for listening to the Brainy Business Podcast. Molina offers virtual strategy sessions, workshops and other services to help businesses be more brain friendly. For more free resources, visit thebrainybusiness. Com.