#116: How to Tackle Your Inner Critic and Unleash Your ‘Badassery’

Welcome to the High Income Business Writing Podcast, helping you propel your writing business to a whole new level. And now, here's your host, Ed Gandia. Hey there. Thank you for joining me for episode 116 of the High Income Business Writing Podcast. My name is Ed Gandia and this is the podcast for business writers and copywriters who want to take their writing businesses to the six figure level or the part time equivalent. As a quick reminder, you can find detailed show notes of this episode and other resources by going to b2b launcher.com Episode 116 all right, so let's get down to reality here. We all have an inner critic. I'm talking about that nagging voice that won't go away. The one who keeps telling us that we can't do something or we shouldn't do something or we're not good enough for that, for that client or to do that kind of work or we don't know enough or we don't have enough experience. And her name, as I recently found out, she has a name. She has a name. Her name is Hilda. Now, none of us are immune Hilda, not even the most experienced professionals. And folks, I am not immune to Hilda. I would say that I'm dealing with Hilda not just every day, but several times a day, every single day. And as you're about to see, the secret is not to try and silence her, which is something, I guess that's her natural reaction is like, go, go away, go away. I can't hear you. Go away, go away. Good luck with that. Right? We've all tried that. So that's not going to work. The key is not to try to silence her. The key is to learn how to tame her, to kind of force an Akita move on her, if you will, to use her strength against her and in your favor. Now, there are some practical ways to do that. And that's the topic of this week's episode where you're going to hear from Coach Jenny, Mustafa Julak. And Coach Jenny is someone who knows Hilda intimately. This is what she devotes so much of her time and her energy to helping people with. She knows all of Hilda's tricks. And she's going to explain what you need to know about Hilda in order to tame and control her. Her impulsive nature not to make her go away. That's not gonna happen. But you can control and tame Hilda. And once you know what her tricks are, once you can identify what she's doing to you, you can have much more control over that inner critic. So Here it is. Let's go right to it. And I hope you enjoy this interview as much as I did. Jenny, welcome to. So great to have you here.

Thank you. I'm thrilled to be here.

Well, you know, we were talking a little bit offline about how just what you talk about and what you write about is so relevant to people like us. We're self employed. We don't have anyone to really talk to most of the times we kind of live in isolation. So this is going to be a very relevant Chad and I can't wait to dig a little bit deeper into the topic. But before we do that, tell us a bit about yourself. You know, specifically your background, what got you into coaching, why your approach is different from the standard fare that you see out there. Because I think you have a great story to tell here.

Yeah, absolutely. Thank you for having me, Ed. So I am coach Jenny and I for 10 years have been the audacity coach. What that means is I help people get out of their own way so that, that they can go out there and shake the world by its shoulders and then I can sit back and watch the world change. In a nutshell, my approach to coaching is a little different from many others. A lot of coaches, in my never humble opinion, are really more of cheerleaders who cheer you on no matter how much you stall and sabotage yourself. I am more of a coach. I'm going to push you to get back up. And I use what I call a cathartic shove. That is my approach where I could nudge you along, but that's not terribly helpful. I want to shove you forward and I promise that the experience will feel cathartic.

Oh, I like that. I think we kind of need a kick. We all do. And there's no reason to sugarcoat it. Right?

There isn't. Now I will say that's not for everybody. And that is a. Okay, right. Like being shoved is not for everybody. But I don't do very well when my support network just cheers me on no matter how much I get in my own way. Right. That doesn't actually do anything for me. What I need is somebody who's willing to tell the truth and put be in my face, in my space and pushing me. And because that's how I like to be shoved, that's how I like to shove others. And I know that people who want to do really great things, who have big massive missions need that kind of help. And so that's what I do. A nutshell.

So I don't need to tell you this, I mean, being self employed is hard, freelancing is hard. Yet one of the most difficult things about working with freelancers as a coach is seeing talent people, talented people, fail to reach their goals. And not because they didn't have what it took in terms of talent or skill, but just because they got in their own way. They were their own worst enemy and they self sabotage. Why do so many of us sabotage ourselves? And why is it so common?

Oh, I'm glad that you said that. Well, first of all, the fact that it's so common isn't common knowledge. We don't talk about this nearly enough. Right. We all feel like we're the only ones sabotaging ourselves, so there must be something wrong with us. And I'm here to blow the lid off of that. That everybody I've ever met, including the most audacious, ambitious humans in the world, sabotage themselves. And for the freelancers and solopreneurs out there who are working day in, day out by themselves behind their computer, in their little corner of the world, that self sabotage can become even louder because we have so much quiet time. So why do we do it? Because we're human. I know that's not a very sexy answer, but let's be very real. We sabotage ourselves because we can and because it's a part of the human experience. Why we sabotage ourselves forever is because we let it become a habit. And we spend far too much time listening to that inner voice, that inner critic or inner naysayer, inner saboteur, whatever title you would like to give that broad, that voice in your head who is telling you you suck, you shouldn't hold back. This is never going to happen for you. Who do you think you are? That voice. Yeah, we all have that voice. And we spend too much time letting that voice dictate our actions.

You said that everyone faces this and I agree. Have you noticed that if there are certain personalities or certain types of people who struggle with this more than others? Have you seen any patterns?

I have. When I went to research my book, which is all about this topic, I felt, thought, my hypothesis was that everybody would have one particular way that they would sabotage themselves. Primarily, I've come to find out that that voice in your head, I call her Hilda. Hilda is far more sophisticated than that. There is not one. It's not like a one hit wonder, but there are definitely some patterns. So I have found that there's these four different patterns of how we sabotage ourselves. We either decide to believe that we can't or we believe that we shouldn't do that. Or we believe we don't know enough. Or we just don't believe that we want it badly enough. And those four categories, if you will, are the four different ways that sabotage shows up for us. Either we're incapable, we shouldn't do it, we don't know enough, we just don't want to. And I'm here to fix that, to change that. To change that mindset.

You know, I never heard it explained this way. I think I've always heard it explained by the we can't. You know, which is very much fear based. I mean I think they all have fear attached to them. But so that one is pretty self explanatory. Oh well, I can't do that. That's not me. I'm not talented enough. I don't have the right personality, enough experience. But can you walk us through the other three? Because I think the other three a little bit more mysterious. And at first I thought, oh, I don't deal with too much of this. And you started naming some of these and I'm thinking maybe I struggle with this.

Yeah. Yeah. Well. So I can't she this Hilda. I call her I can't Hilda. She starts from the inside out. Right. She's convincing you to feel insecure and has you questioning your capability. I shouldn't. Is more concerned about the outside in. Right. This one, this one is obsessed with the judgments of others and she's making you feel self conscious and she's convincing you to change your behavior so you please other people. Right. So I can't is. It's more like there's something wrong with me. I'm incapable and I shouldn't. Is more like the Kardashian way of going about things, making sure that you're keeping up and everybody. Your appearances is everything. Now the other two, instead of attacking you and who you are and how you show up, the other two, I don't know and I don't want to. Are attacking what you want. So I don't know. Is terrified of the starting line. So she's going to perpetuate indecision and that inertia and that stuck feeling for as long as humanly possible and she's going to convince you to second guess everything. I don't want to. She will start stuff all day long finishing completely different story. She's afraid of the finish line. So I don't want it Is all about justifying procrastination and justifying why you didn't get to it. Yet she makes you feel all unfocused and she convinces you to avoid the things you want more most.

Yeah, it's the. I need to get my business cards, my new logo. I can't really do anything because I'm rebranding and. Right. So I will. I'm working towards that. Or I need to take yet another course because I don't know enough yet to. To go after this kind of work.

Exactly. I don't know. Hilda's got you looking at all the info crack, as you call it, right? That's what I call it. The information products. I'm not bashing them. I have them too. But how many info products does your laptop need to not be opened? And then I don't want to. Hilda is like, oh, here's shiny objects of. Yes, that's great. But what if you changed your entire email system? That would be a good use of your time and energy because that keeps you away from the finish line instead of just implementing and executing with excellence what you know you need to do.

There's one that I struggle and I'm wondering, I think I know where it falls, but I'd like to get your take on this. I'm not alone here. Which is the. Well, of course she did that. I mean, she's not married, she doesn't have kids, she doesn't this, she or he doesn't that. Right. Where does that fall? Because I see a lot of this and in my own life for sure.

That'S in the I shouldn't space because that's where you're not keeping your eyes on your own paper. You're comparing yourself to somebody else who has different life circumstances. And then you're giving yourself a get out of jail free card because the reason that she or he can do it and you can't is because their circumstances are just set up better. And it builds in these I shouldn't excuses that keep you small. Because see, all of these things, all of these voices I'm talking about, I know it's kind of silly, but I make it silly so that it's relatable. But all of these voices in your head, all of these messages in your head are designed to keep you safe and small and to make sure you don't do anything big or too big for your britches. And so the one you're talking about there, where you're looking at what everybody else is doing instead of just executing what you need to do and making it about you, is another form of self sabotage. It's A massive distraction that's holding you back.

Yeah, it's a big one. And I know I've struggled with that a lot. I still struggle with it. I know a lot of people that I work with definitely struggle with that one. All right, this is a problem. Let's. Let's start talking some solutions and definitely would like to walk away with some practical actions people can take to at least start moving in the right direction. My first question here is, can you truly silence Hilda? Can you truly silence your inner critic? I feel like I can do this many times, just long enough to kind of reach a new milestone. And once I do, that new place becomes my new normal. So anything at that level or below is now off limits to my inner critic because I've already pushed past that. But then I try to get to a new level, and here she comes again. How do you deal with that? It's, like, never ending.

Yes. And I have to admit this. When I started writing my book, I was on a mission to become the Hilda Slayer. I really was hopeful. I didn't know how, but I was really hopeful that there was going to be some answer where we kill Hilda forever and we achieve a certain level of success where that no longer shows up. And I came to find out that that is just not true for most of us. It's not. There's a story I share in the book of J.J. abrams right after he has become the director of Star Wars. I can't think of anything that's a bigger pinnacle of someone's career, how he was struggling with Hilda. He shared this story in an interview he did where he was talking about screening for the very first time the UN special affected video of the new movie to the four top Disney executives, the guys with the money. As soon as the screening was over, they raved about it. They told them how much they loved it and how excited they were about this new franchise and how it was going to go. And he walked away thinking with his Hilda saying, yeah, they have to say that they spent $4 billion on it. They don't actually mean it. It sucks. So one of the reasons that I bring up the story is it points out that, no, we're never going to get to a place where we don't hear this voice if we're doing things that matter. So, yeah, we can try to silence Hilda. What we want to do better is handle Hilda. We want to have techniques and tools in our back pocket to shut her down in the moment so that we can move forward. One of the things you said a little bit ago, Ed, is this idea of, like, I get to this place and then I'm at this new normal, and the inner critic can no longer bother me with anything that's below that new normal level. Right. I love that. But here's the problem. Here's what Hilda can do to you if you're not careful. She can look at everything ahead of you as though you have to leap the Pacific Ocean. And everything that you've ever accomplished, she can belittle to feel like you just stepped over a puddle, even though the last leap was over the Atlantic Ocean. Right. So what we have to do is make sure that Hilda doesn't belittle all of our past experiences. So, yeah, you can quiet Hilda. We can tuck her into the closet, we can tie her up, we can send her out to coffee. When we start recognizing that all of those messages in your head are not yours. They are collected by this crazy woman I call Hilda. Apologies to anybody named Hilda is collected by this inner nascent inner critic voice and designed specifically to keep you small. And as soon as you start differentiating her happy nonsense from what's actually true, you're halfway there. That's the first step. So what I want people to do is recognize when they hear this naysaying noise in their brain that it's not their truth, it's Hilda spinning a story.

So that's actually, I think, a very practical first step. It's just recognizing being aware. I think many of us might understand that it's happening, the feelings are there, but we're not calling her out. Right. It's like she's nagging us and we're going, oh, my God, here she is. As opposed to, okay, she's there. I recognize it. She's sitting right there in the living room with me. That's a big difference.

It is. It's a huge first step. And the reason I call her Hilda is because it was the silliest name I could come up with. So name your Hilda whatever you want. I recommend not naming it, like your mother in law's name or something like that, but pick whatever name works for you and humanize that voice as something external to you. I know it sounds silly and goofy, but it really works.

Yeah, it's kind of like people who take a thought that's just. That's bringing them down, and they'll write it down on a piece of paper and they'll burn it. You know, that kind of thing. Right. You're. You're. You're making it Physical, tangible. Okay, so recognizing is definitely the first step. Can you give us a few more steps to absolutely managing Hilda appropriately?

Yes. So here's what happens when Hilda plants one of these messages in your brain. You have a thought. A thought leads to a feeling. A feeling leads to an action. So when Hilda is successful, you think, who do you think you are? And you feel like an imposter. Less than. Like, you can't really pull this off. Any moment people are going to find out about you, and you feel scared, and so you have a ton of self doubt and you feel all insecure. And then you act based on that feeling. Your job. Now that we've realized. Wait. That thought isn't my thought. That's what Hilda thinks is to hit her with a comeback. So what I want you to start doing is recognizing and literally write down some of the thoughts that Hilda is planting into your brain and notice how quickly that thought makes you feel something. So you do something. And usually the action is inaction. If she has her way so she can sit around and eat bonbons, she's happy. We're safe. What we want to do is hit her with a comeback. So the next time she says, who do you think you are? You don't instantly go to that feeling of insecure. You're like, wait a minute. Let me tell you who I am, okay? I'm the person who earned this. I'm the freelancer who totally kicks tail. You know, I. I'm the person who doubled my income this year or whatever that is. And start recognizing who you are. Answer that question when Hilda says to your brain, oh, this is too hard. Why should I even bother? Okay, let me answer that. Here's why I'm going to bother. And notice just by responding to these messages. I know it sounds silly, but the feeling is different. Because now the feeling, the thought that you're having is what your feeling is going to be based on. And then your actions are going to be based on that feeling. So you think, huh? You know, this is who I think I am. I think I'm somebody who rocks, who has a lot to offer, somebody who's going to close this sale. Because I've done it before, and I have a lot of evidence to the fact that Hilda's wrong. How do I feel? Empowered. Excited. And what am I going to do? I'm going to get to work. I'm going to hustle. I'm going to ask for this business. You see how that works? It's a work. I'm going to Hustle. I'm going to ask for this business. You see how that works?

Oh, I love it. I love it. I was already thinking of a situation, and in my mind, I was thinking about the comeback, and it shifted my thinking completely. And as I was thinking about it, I felt my chest sticking out like, you want to mess with me? Let me just tell you.

Yeah. And it's kind of playful. That's why I use the language. Come back. See, and here I want to point out this is why this is different from the traditional positive thinking stuff. Typically, the life coaches of the world tell you just when you have a negative thought, just put it down and have a positive one. And it kind of sounds like I'm saying that, but I'm not, because that doesn't actually deal and handle and manage that negative thought. See, Hilda is all of those negative thoughts she's putting in there. I like to think of her as like, this demented documentarian who's been collecting messages your entire life that every time that message made you feel bad. Yes, I'm going to file that away and bust out a screening of your demented documentary. Anytime you're getting too big for your britches or I'm feeling unsafe, our job is to remember that she's only showing us that portioned out, crappy part of the documentary. So, for example, maybe she's like, oh, you're going to embarrass yourself. Let me show you this piece of the documentary where you embarrassed yourself. Now, do you remember when you were crying on the ice? Embarrassed here? Yeah. That's why you shouldn't ice skate. And you're like, wait, I'm not trying to ice skate. I'm trying to close the deal. So that has nothing to do with each other. And you're not showing me the rest of the story because I got up, dusted myself off, and kept going. And I'm going to do it again here. So that's what we want to do, is we want to shut down that stupid documentary that she's been feeding us and replace it with memories and evidence and comebacks that shut her up.

Love it. Love it. So recognizing the hitting her back with a comeback, what would be something else we could do?

Another thing you can do is actually process your fears. What do I mean by that? When we experience a fear, we feel it and obsess about it without thinking it through. So what I would ask your listeners to do is say, okay, I feel fear. What am I afraid of? I am afraid of. Of what I don't know I'm afraid of the unknown. Awesome. Write that down and pretend you can take your feelings and put them on the shelf for five minutes and ask yourself these questions. What's the worst case scenario? Like, really let your imagination go there. Like, is the worst case scenario you're living outside by the dumpster? Probably not. Like, the worst case scenario is what?

Well, let's take an actual situation. Let's say, all right, going after this big prospect, right? It's like, wow, I'd love to go, oh, but I'm afraid I'm not good enough. What's the worst that could happen if you went after them?

The worst case scenario is these people are going to say no. Not that your reputation is going to go into the tank. Not that the world is going to end or your mom's no longer going to be proud of you. The worst case scenario is they're going to say no. Awesome. So we have that piece of information. Now do the opposite, which, no, nobody ever does. What is the best case scenario? What if this goes your way? Right. So, Ed, what if this goes your way? What's the best case scenario for this prospect?

Best case scenario is they say, yeah, I would like to talk to you. And that leads to a conversation which leads to an engagement, a project.

Yeah, exactly. So now that we know that and we know the best case and the worst case, it's time to look at our role in it. And what I mean by that is ask yourself these three questions. Where do you have complete control? Where do you have influence? And where do you have no control? So just to give this example a little bit of detail quickly, you have no control over what else is happening in the world right now. You have no control over what other investments this particular prospect is currently making. Right. You have no control over that. You have complete control over your pitch. You have complete control over being on time. You have complete control over how well. Well and prepared you are. And then you have a heck of a lot of influence in between. Right? You have a lot of influence on how on point your marketing is and how well you ask for the sale and how well you go over the details in influencing their decision. Right?

Correct.

Once you know those three things, right, you know where your role is, and you know the best case and worst case, pick up those feelings and put them back in and. And ask yourself, are you really that afraid anymore, or do you know exactly what you need to do?

Oh, that changes it totally.

It does, right? It completely changes the game. Because now that fear has gone from 10 to maybe three. It's still there because this is exciting. Fear and excitement go together. They should, but fear can't drive. Excitement should.

Yeah. Before is paralyzing. Now it's doable.

Right. Because before you were feeling it but not thinking it through. And now we've analyzed that fear said, okay, fear. Okay, Hilda, I get that you're scared. Let's look at it. Worst case, best case, where do I have complete control, where do I have influence, and where do I have no control? As soon as you have all that data right, then you can say, okay, what am I going to do about it?

That's fantastic. And what I love about that is, you know, I'm seeing people do this all the time, even with things. In this example I gave you with sending a warm email, which is really an email pitch I teach people how to do. And it's funny how you're not even having. You don't even have to pick up the phone in that scenario. But people are so afraid to just send out that email to see if there's an opportunity that, gosh, I think this really puts it in perspective. So I love it.

It does. And if I may, it even goes to the tiniest step of that I can hear what the Hilda's are saying when you give them that challenge. I can hear their Hilda saying, oh, man, but they're too big league for me, or I've never pitched something this big or I don't have enough experience or I've never worked with a woman in that league or whatever. And Hilda starts spinning these crazy, ridiculous stories to make you feel bad as quickly as possible so it sabotages you. Instead, now that you have these tools, you'll be like, wait, Hilda's wrong. Let me think about what I really believe. And that little pause, which it takes practice, but that little pause will quiet Hilda down enough that you'll be able to make those sales calls that you know you want to make because you know you want to make those sales.

Yeah, absolutely. And I don't mean to, you know, demean or kind of make people feel bad about having these fears because we all have them. It's all relative. But my point was that that even with a very. Something that might feel very small to me can be massive for somebody else and vice versa.

Right. Well, and this is my point. You know, we talk about, is it big? Is it small? I am. I'm not demeaning that either. But this is the point of my work. Everybody has these thoughts and feelings and almost Everybody I've ever met thinks that they're the only ones that have these thoughts and feelings and just recognizing that you are not back crackers. You know what I mean? This is what the most ambitious people alive think and feel because you are doing something that matters to you. You don't have these thoughts when you're going to the grocery store unless you're some five star chef. And that really matters to you, right? Like you have these thoughts when it's. When it's. You putting your work and your heart on the line and when it's exciting and terrifying and audacious and necessary to you, that's when Hilda's showing up and is the loudest. So here's the last tip I want to give everybody. When you start recognizing that Hilda is loud, that that does not mean there's something wrong with you. Quite the opposite. It means you're freaking her out because you are shaking the world by its shoulders. You are doing something that matters and Hilda is going to be as loud and sophisticated as she can to try to sabotage you. So every time you start hearing her, slowly but surely, that's going to feel really good. When you're like, oh, Hilda, that's so cute you're back. Huh? I must be on to something.

That's. That's a great way of looking at it. So instead of feeling horrible about it, just go, you know what? I must be on to something because she is going. She's pulling all the stops.

Exactly. And like I said, if, if she's. As if she follows even JJ Abrams up there when he's, you know, directing Star wars, good grief, then she's with all of us. And it doesn't mean there's something wrong with us. It means that we are living a big life. And freelancers who want to write their own ticket and make a living doing what they love and they do best without reporting to the big boss are seriously audacious humans. And because you're seriously audacious, and again, you have so much time by yourself, Hilda's going to get loud. But hopefully now that you've met Hilda and you have a little perspective on her, you're going to be able to get her a little quieter and keep moving forward without sabotaging yourself nearly as often.

And you know what, Jenny? This is why I love being self employed. Because in order to stay successfully self employed, you have to become better and you have to learn how to deal with the Hildas of the world. I think when I was traditionally employed, I was in sales. So I had some of this that I had to work on, but not quite like I do when I'm completely on my own. So I think it's a gift. You know, I see these problems as a gift because they force you to get better. And this certainly is no exception.

Agreed. 100%.

Awesome. So before we wrap up, we've talked about the book a couple of times. You've mentioned it briefly. Tell us about the book and how listeners can learn more about you, the book and your work.

Absolutely. So the name of the book is Hilda and the subtitle is tackle your inner naysayer, get out of your own way and unleash your badassery. And you can check it out over on Amazon. Or if you would like to get the whole story, check out hildathebook.com and if you want to learn more about me, I'm coach Jenny. J E N N I E Coach Jenny with a y is a different chick. So coach Jenny.com is where you can find me and coach Jenny on all social media platforms.

Wonderful. We'll make sure to link to all of those in the show notes. So guys, check it out. And just a little bit of background. I was telling Jenny that Hilda came highly recommended by a couple of people in my tribe right around the same time. And you know, when somebody, one person comes to me with an idea, I pay attention. But when with two of them come to me with an idea and a recommendation, I really pay attention. So I am glad that they introduced me to you. This has been a wonderful discussion, Jenny, and I know it will be very helpful to our listeners. So thank you so much.

Oh no, the pleasure is mine. Thank you, Ed.

Hey guys, one quick thing before you head out. I've uploaded a really handy worksheet on the show notes page for this episode. How to silence your inner critic. This PDF resource is courtesy of Coach Jenny. It's five pages. It will guide you through five very specific steps through a series of questions that will help you identify and tame Hilda. So I invite you to check that out. You can Download right on b2b launcher.com forward/episode116. Enjoy and take care. The high income business writing podcast is a production of B2B business launcher. Learn more at B2B launcher dot com.