#226: Romi Neustadt on How You Can Have It All (Just Not at the Same Time)

Welcome to the High Income Business Writing Podcast, helping you propel your writing business to a whole new level. And now, here's your host, Ed Gandia.

Hey there. Welcome to the High Income Business Writing Podcast. I am your host, Ed Gandia, and this is the podcast for business writers and copywriters who want to earn more and less time doing work they love for better clients. You can find detailed show notes for this episode@b2b launcher.com episode 226. Those notes include a summary of our discussion as well as any links to resources we mention during the show. I'm guessing that you became self employed because you wanted a better life for yourself. Maybe you wanted more time or freedom or you wanted to do better financially. Either way, you made a choice most people don't ever dare to make, which makes you more ambitious than most of your peers. But there's a dark side to that ambition, isn't there? You can start out trying to achieve everything and end up under achieving in everything. That's a terrible place to be and a place many of us find ourselves in day in and day out. We're addressing this challenge head on in today's episode. I'm excited to have Romy Neustadt as my guest. And Romy is a mom of two, a wife, a daughter, bestselling author, speaker, entrepreneur, and coach. And what's more is she's achieved these things without a staff of 10 people or the ability to sleep two hours a night or driving herself crazy. She's figured out the key to having it all. And you know what? It boils down to this Priorities. In this lively conversation, Romy provides a simple blueprint for women to figure out what to focus on and what not to do. She explains why saying yes to everything and everyone really means saying no to the things that matter. To your goals, to your dreams, to your true self. And guys, as you'll quickly see, this applies to us as well. Very much so. So don't skip this episode because you think this is a female thing. This is a human thing and a very important one to boot. So I hope you enjoy this conversation. Romy, welcome to the show. Great to have you here.

I'm so thrilled to be here, Ed. Thank you.

I am thrilled as well and I look forward to this discussion. This is always an interesting topic for me, but this is not one we've covered in a long time. Especially not with what you're going to share with us today. But before we dive into that, why don't you give us the Romy story. I'm just curious to hear, you know, a little bit about your background, you know, how you got here, and then kind of fast forward into today and the kind of work you do right now and the kind of people you work with.

Well, I've had a few iterations professionally as I've evolved. I used to be a corporate chick. I started out as a lawyer, a business litigator to be specific. And I don't want to offend anyone listening, but I really hated it.

So many attorneys feel the same way. I think there's more ex attorneys than currently practicing attorneys.

Well, you know, and I tell this story to my kids often because I want them to really, really understand that it's important to know who you are as you make career choices. And I went from a top journalism student at USC and was too scared to try and make it out in the real world as a journalist. So instead I did the safe route and I went to law school. But thankfully, after a few years of recognizing this wasn't lighting me up at all. I transitioned to a career in public relations. And I did that for about a dozen years. And then I got the entrepreneurial bug and I was able to start and grow a business in direct sales in the skin care industry. That just absolutely lit me up. And I've been able to grow an organization that spans three countries, soon to be four tens of thousands of women that I'm able to mentor. And I have had an absolute blast. The books came along because I. I wanted to be able to teach more people how to build a business like I had built much more ed than I could have ever been able to reach individually or even on zooms. I had to put everything I knew into a book. And then the second book came about because I then had to figure out how to live the life I really wanted amidst the success and the kids and a marriage and everything else I wanted to do on earth without driving myself crazy. And I wanted to put all the lessons I had learned in pages and on an audiobook for people to have. Wow.

Well, I'm glad you did because I know you're helping a lot of people through your story, these messages and your advice. How do you spend most of your time today? What would you say is your big focus these days?

So I'm still very active in building my business. I still really enjoy mentoring people to start and grow businesses of their own, whether it's their full time gig or their side hustle. I also do spend time every day writing, whether it's writing for my blog articles that I'm asked to write. And I'm always working on some type of bigger project and sometimes, Ed, I don't even know what it'll turn into. It may end up in a book one day. I'm doing speaking gigs. And I also am very much a busy mom to an 11 year old and a 14 year old. And the older they get, I'm finding they need more and more presence. I mean, really, when you're with them, you gotta be all in because the older they get, the more involved their lives get.

So true. We have a 17 year old and a 9 year old, both boys. Even 9 year old thinks he's a 17 year old too. So it's like having two teenagers. I'm with you 100%. I thought it was crazy when they were, you know, toddlers and just chasing them around the house, but it's like.

That'S physically exhausting, right? The physical part is, but as they get older, it's more of the mental and interacting. And I'm so grateful that I've spent so much time with coaching, coaching others and learning myself because I apply almost everything to the kids.

T that's great. Wonderful. So I find that so many of my listeners and so many of my coaching clients start out trying to achieve a lot. And I mean, I find this certainly with both men and women, but I see that with women they have this idea that they have to do everything and in the process they end up underachieving in everything. So I'm curious to get your take and maybe this is a good way to kind of open this discussion. How can we figure out what to focus on? Because at some point you burn out and then you get discouraged and then now you're trying to figure out, okay, what did I do wrong? Or is there something wrong with me? So give me some thoughts around that and we'll see where that takes us.

Well, Ed, that's exactly where I was in my life seven years ago. And what I found is that it's not just me. This is an epidemic condition of unrealistic expectations that, yes, does plague many women. Men too. But I really saw it with women. You know, we're trying to be all things to all people. Do everything, be everything, look amazing while we're doing it? And our to do lists keep growing longer and longer and longer. And God forbid we disappoint anyone and we end up being exhausted, stressed, feeling like a failure, and never getting to the things that are really important to us. And so Many of us don't even know what's important to us. And I think it's even more compounded in this carefully curated, insta perfect world we live in where, let's face it, looking at everybody's highlight reel and everything they're doing on every front can make us feel less than. And so seven years ago, my business was growing like crazy. You know, the little kids were growing like crazy. I wanted to devote time to my marriage. I'm married to an amazing guy. My mom was getting older. I was involved in a whole host of extracurricular activities. And from the outside, yeah, it looked like I had it all. Well, then why was I having a breakdown? I literally felt like my life was running me instead of the other way around. And I knew that if I didn't recalibrate, if I didn't figure this out, all of the success, achievement, healthy kids, marriage, it didn't matter because I wasn't going to enjoy it and I was going to get sick. And so I gave myself the greatest gift I could have. Then I stepped out of my life for a couple days. I gave myself the gift of quiet and peace. Now I ran away to a hotel. Now, I'm not suggesting my wife keeps.

Threatening to do that.

Well, you know, and it's not, honestly, I encourage you to turn it around and say, go ahead and do it like my husband did. Take some time. Even if it's a day in your own home where you close the doors, you put a post it note on the outside of the door that says out of the house and take that time for you. So what I did during that time is I was armed with my laptop and a journal and some books and quiet, which so many of us rarely get. And I started to really think about what my life looked like and why I felt this way. And I happened upon an article which led to some epiphanies. You know, Ed, at 42 years old at the time, not once, not ever in my entire life had I taken the time to figure out what my priorities were. In fact, my entire life, I had been confusing priorities and goals. And in that hotel room, I discovered they're very different things. You know, I've always been a goal setter. My mom jokes. I came out of the womb setting goals and going after them and achieving them. But once we get really clear on what priorities are, what hours are at any given time in our life, then we're able to figure out the relationship of goals to our priorities. So I'd love to walk you through the difference. Because this was life changing for me.

No, in fact, I was hoping you would, because I know that the challenge with. Well, first of all, a lot of people confuse them. You're right. And then the challenge with setting priorities is that everything feels. It sounds good theory, but in practice, everything feels important. So I'd like for you to address both of those.

Okay. So priorities are the things that are so important to us right now in the present tense, that not serving them is simply non negotiable. And for everyone who's listening, who tends to be a type A overachiever. I see you. I feel you. I imu. We can only have 2 to 3 priorities at any one time. So, for example, Ed, right now in my life, my three priorities are I make healthy choices every day. I know one of my priorities always has to do with the health of my body, my mind, my spirit, or everything else goes to pot. Okay. Another priority for me is, is I am present in the lives of those I love every day. And I spent too many years not being fully present. And that really helps me make goals, set goals, and create habits that help me be there for my family. And then the third one revolves around my professional realm. And for me, my priority is I help women design the lives they really want. And so everything to do with my professional life falls into that. So once you have your priorities, then you set goals that serve them. A goal is something that in the future, that is important enough for you that you're willing to invest the time, effort, and energy to achieve it. But it's not present. It's something that's going to happen. Now, here's the kicker. When we set goals that aren't aligned with our priorities, that's when we feel stressed, scattered, unfulfilled, overwhelmed, and we are not actually getting to the stuff important to us. And so I go through this process every year. I revisit it every quarter of, making sure I understand what's most important to me right now. The two or three things. And then I set goals that I ensure are serving those priorities. And if they don't, they're really not a goal of mine. I'm allowing external voices, external pressures, or the negative voices in my head to influence it. Or Instagram to influence it.

Sure. Yeah. The shoulds and then the Joneses, right?

That's right. And once you have this ad, what you've got, you've got a roadmap of where to spend your time, where not to what to say yes to, what to say no to and it's life changing.

So, Demetrius, to make sure I understand, you started with getting really clear about your priorities. You also said that you can't have more than two or three or are you going to be back to where you started and then once you've condensed those to two or three, then and only then can you start setting goals that are aligned with those priorities. And I'm assuming by align, meaning that your goals can only fall under the three priorities in this case. Right. So if there's a goal that's not about one of those.

Key word is. And I ask myself this question all the time when I get requested to do something or I'm thinking about setting a goal. All right. Does this serve my one or more of my goals and do these goals served my priorities?

Got it. Makes sense. All right, so a couple of follow up questions then. Do you evaluate your priorities every year? You said you do this every year. So it's not just your goals but you take a look at your priorities and see if any changes are needed.

Absolutely. Because as you well know, as we grow and different times in our life, our priorities are going to change. And it's also important to check in and revisit them at least quarterly. Because sometimes things can change even in the course of a year.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. You know, all kinds of events can, you know that you could have a plan. But as we've seen. Yes, as we've seen, you know, next thing we know, it's like different world. So I like this. Now, within another follow up question, within these priorities, do you get hung up on which one comes first, first, second and third or do you kind of treat them as all equals?

Well, see, here's the beauty of it. If you're only focusing on two to three things at any one time, those are the things that are most important to you right now in your life. You don't have to assign a hierarchy because you can serve all of them. It's manageable. It's manageable. Now I will say, as I mentioned to you before, I'm a big believer and I'm married to a naturopathic physician. I've always believed that health is the foundation for everything. If we're not healthy, we can't do all the things that we were put here to do. And so I always remember that that always is the foundation for me. But I'm able to serve all three of, and I usually have three, three of my priorities at any one time because it's manageable even without the superhero cost.

Yeah, I like that. But I do agree that, you know, it's kind of like put your mask on first before you put the mask on the child. Like the airplane briefing, safety briefing. If you don't take care of your body, then the other two things can't happen. So it almost feels like that one always has to come first in a way that one will probably never change for you. Maybe that's another way to think about it. Like, you're reviewing this every year, but I can't imagine the next year you're going to say, you know what? I'm going to take a break on the health thing for a year.

You're absolutely right. One of my perennial priorities always has to do with health. Sometimes the wording is a little bit different. The goals have changed to serve it. But absolutely the most important part of this whole exercise and what dawned on me seven years ago in that hotel room was, well, the reason why I was a basket case was because I was trying to do it all. And we absolutely can't. And once we acknowledge that and then have the tools to set the framework, the roadmap of where to spend our time, then we can get off of this very destructive and deflating cycle.

I know that a lot of people have trouble saying no. We feel like we have to say yes to everything. But as you've demonstrated, that's just going to keep you unhappy. Stress, it's going to lead to burnout and all kinds of bad things. Do you find that women tend to be worse about that than guys just want to please everybody. And I'm not trying to point fingers. The only reason I'm asking this, Romy, is that awareness is the first step, right? So do you find that that's the case? Am I wrong? What do you see?

I think you're absolutely right. And in fact, I've seen all these years of over a decade working with all of these women and being a woman myself and a working mother. I think one of the biggest problems is we don't say no enough. And it's all these yeses, all of these things we're putting on our plates that really shouldn't be there is what exhausts us. It keeps our focus away from what's truly important to us, and it keeps us from actually achieving the things that we really want to do. Now, I've spent a lot of time, not only for myself, but for the women that I mentor, digging into the reason why. I always want to know, okay, we have this behavior, but why? And you hit the Nail on the head. It's because we're trying to please everybody. We are afraid to be judged, and especially when it comes to mom guilt. So many moms will say yes to chairing the PTA committee or running the fundraiser or saying yes to be classroom mom, even if it doesn't so serve one of their goals or priorities. Not because we think we're doing wrong by our kids and not being good moms, but because we're afraid to be judged by our fellow parents or the teachers or the coaches. And the more we are secure in our priorities, our choices, who we want to be, what we want to accomplish, the easier it gets to say no to things that aren't serving us. And if we're secure in what we're doing in our choices, we don't give a darn what other people think about us because we're living our truth. And my goodness, is there anything better to show our kids than how to live your truth?

Yeah. And I know that judgment is real, so I don't want to say that. Well, yeah, that's kind of all in your head. I know it's real, and I think.

It'S in our head. It is in our head because we're human. And we women are wired, I believe, to want to take care of everything and do for everybody. And I think we are inherently wired to be more wary of being judged. Not to say that there aren't men that are as well, but I think recognizing that and calling it out for what it is and the fear behind it is the fear of judgment, well, then you can act on it. And I've talked to so many women who have said, well, God, I want to say no, I get it. I'm doing all this stuff that isn't serving my goals and priorities, but I literally don't know how to say no. They don't have the language. And so they either say yes or they don't respond, which is, they know, horribly rude.

Yeah, that's not good either. I think you're. I like that, because I think if you don't have the language and you don't practice, because that's the other thing, you could have language, but if you don't practice executing that, it's not going to be effective. So what are some things or some language that you have found to be very effective and easy to implement?

Well, this is always so fun to teach, and I found it so useful and over time, really easy to do in my own life. So, first off, when you get any kind of Request, you do have to take a moment and ask yourself, run it through the questions, okay, is this serving one or more of my goals and priorities? And if the answer is no, then you must respond as soon as possible. Don't let it sit there because it just hangs over us. And yes, it is rude. And my God, how great would it be if everyone just responded openly and honestly to requests for things. We weren't out there waiting. Right. All right. So the other thing you have to remember is when you do respond, you're going to do it without apology. So the phrase or the word, you know, I'm sorry or sorry will not be a part of it, because, let's be honest, you're not sorry for living your truth. Right. So, for example, I say no more than I say yes. I recently had a request come in to be one of the organizers for a conference. And I ran it through my analysis. Nope, this wasn't going to serve what I needed to serve. And so I responded back quickly. Thank you so much for thinking of me. I'm really flattered and honored. I don't have the bandwidth right now, and this really doesn't fall into what I'm focusing on this year. And this deserves someone who can give it their all, and that's not me. But I wish you so much success, and I know you'll find the right person for it. Now, that was entirely honest. And I have to tell you, you know, the request came from someone I respect very much. They play in a sandbox where I want to be held in high regard. And I could have convinced myself, well, maybe this is something I need to do because of this group of people. But the response, as it always is. Ed came back. You know, I'm so thrilled that you really understand what it is that you want to do and that you have boundaries, and I applaud you for it. And good luck with what you've got going on. And that's what I hear all the time.

That's such an elegant way to respond. I especially like the. This deserves someone who can give it their all because you are furthering, respecting what they're doing and understand that this is important as opposed to. I know I've seen some responses that kind of diminish the request or what the other group is trying to do. And that could certainly. I mean, it could work for you, but it might turn the other person off where this approach. You just said they might be disappointed, but they are going to respect you.

That's right. And everything you say when you say no to something. Be entirely authentic, which I always am. I don't BS anybody. I say exactly as I feel. And I really meant everything I said. And it makes you feel good. It makes you feel empowered and remind you that you have control over your life and your time. And it's also respecting the other person and what they've got going on.

Yeah, I love that you mentioned a word that we've kind of danced around, but I feel that so much of what you're sharing with us today is about this word. Boundaries. Right. So establishing boundaries that stick with clients, with friends, and with family. I know this is a huge topic. We could probably spend a whole day talking about it. But any other ideas on establishing and maintaining boundaries with clients, friends, and family, especially when it's really hard? I'm thinking of, for instance, your best clients or with a family member. What are your rules of engagement there in situations or. We have to maintain those boundaries.

I love that you asked this, because this is so important. Boundaries are essential in order to get to what you really want in this life. And I like to think of boundaries in two different buckets. So there's protecting our time. That's really important, and that's part of boundaries. And then there's also protecting our emotional emotions and our energy. Right. So first, let's talk about protecting our time. One of the biggest reasons why we don't know where our time goes and we allow other people to snatch it up is because we're not being proactive enough, organized enough, to dictate first where our time is going to go. I have been able to do the things I want to do to truly have my all in my life, because I am religious about scheduling all parts of my life. And that includes a weekly practice that I do, a daily practice that I do to make sure that I am in charge of my schedule first and foremost. And I am always putting the things that are most important to me to accomplish first. And I get to that, and I get to serving my goals and priorities before anybody can get at me. Okay. And when you get into that habit and that mindset, it will trickle into everything you do. I learned that whenever I'm having a client call or a coaching call, I don't have conversations unless they're scheduled. I won't just automatically pick up the phone when I see a client calling. I have to have everything scheduled. Even if something is an emergency, I will let it go through to voicemail. And then when I'm done with my current task, I will Pick it up. And when I get on a call with someone for business, I always start the call reminding how much time we have. Okay, Mary, I'm so excited to dig into what we've got going on. We've got 15 minutes today and I set that parameter. And you and I both know sometimes it's really easy to get off track, to get diverted into other things. In my business, it can be very easy for a coaching call to turn into a complaining session. And it's really important to get the conversation back to what's on task. I keep this phrase always in my back pocket for professional conversations. Okay. We're not here to talk about problems. We're going to use our time to figure out solutions. We're going to talk about possibilities and little things like that that can get things back on track. So there are things that you've got to do for time. Now, the other bucket about protecting your emotions and your energy, especially for those of us who have to pour into not only people and projects, but creative things. We have got to have the energy and the positive emotions in order to accomplish it. And if we are allowing people and tasks to suck our energy, then we have nothing left to create or to pour into others. And so I've had to. Right. So it's protecting your ways yourself in so many ways. Even from the minute I wake up in the morning, I have learned that my smartphone cannot serve as my alarm clock. I had to go back old school and have an old time alarm clock and have my phone nowhere in my bedroom because I needed to preserve that time when I wake up on setting intentions, on giving gratitude and getting up and starting my day before I pick up that phone and am immediately bombarded with emails and texts and my calendar and everything else, because that was agitating me. And I don't want to start the day that way.

Yeah, it's robbing you of the emotional and creative energy that you really need to direct toward something important. Right. It's robbing you.

That's right. And it also means that we have to either recategorize or sometimes even eliminate from our lives the people that suck the energy out of us. You know, I want to constantly be around people who elevate me, not people who drag me down. And I've had to learn over the years to limit the time I'm spending with the people that don't make me better, who don't make me feel better about myself. And that can be really hard, especially if those are long standing relationships or people we are told we should be.

Close to or a parent or, you know, or a parent or.

Well, and it's incredibly difficult with family.

Yeah.

But I've had to learn that in order for me to be the person that I want to be and serve the people I'm here to serve and create the things I'm here to create, I have to guard my heart, my head like a hawk.

I couldn't agree more. And I know that it's easier said than done, but if you make it a, like you said, a priority, if you know how important it is, then you will start taking steps in that direction. Doesn't it get easier? Right. When once you make the decision and the commitment and you start moving in that direction, that first initial step is hard. Making that decision is hard. But once you start moving, I have found that it becomes a little easier.

Well, absolutely. And it's even understanding. And this is what I love coaching on the questions to ask yourself so that you can analyze really what the relationship dynamic is. What part are you playing in it? Because, you know, look, we can all play a part in dysfunction or negativity, but to go through a list of questions and figuring out what you need to do, whether it's re categorize a relationship or to let go, and then what kind of conversation to have if you need to have one.

Romy, this has been fantastic. You've opened my eyes to some things that I. I kind of knew that I probably needed to pay attention to, but haven't. And you've inspired me to. I mean, above all, I just really get clear on my priorities, which I'm embarrassed to say are kind of all over the place and they're not as clear as they should be. So thank you for coming on today. I want to make sure that listeners know where they can learn more about you and where they can learn more about your books. Where should I send them?

Well, the best place to go is my website, romyneustadt.com and on there you'll find information about my books and about my have it all sisterhood community where I love to share my experiences and tools and wisdom and all the ways that I'm a work in progress and constantly learning how to live this gift of a life better.

Wonderful. We'll make sure to include that link in the show notes and I'll invite not just the ladies, but the guys there because I know this has resonated with me. I suspect that a lot of guys listening are nodding their heads as well. So thanks again, Romy.

Thank you so much.

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