How to Quickly Recover From Setbacks and Build Unshakable Confidence with Emily and James Williams

This is the I heart my life show. Hey, it's Emily here. And this episode is a really special one actually recorded by my husband and myself. He's a certified high performance coach and we've been working together in a variety of different capacities for the last 10 years. And one of the things that we love talking about is the ability to bounce back from setback. We call it bounce back ability. And, and so a few weeks ago we recorded a masterclass all on the topic of bounce backability moving forward despite challenges and really having resilience in life and business. And regardless of whether you are a seasoned entrepreneur, somebody who's new in business, somebody who's really ambitious when it comes to career, or you're somebody who just wants to know how to be more resilient in life, this is a really beautiful conversation because what we find is that our clients that are the most successful, they have this trait and they've developed this skill set and it truly is a skill set that you can master and a habit that you can start to create in your life. So I'm going to go ahead and share this beautiful conversation with you. It's highly insightful and also something that was really transformational for myself. I didn't even realize there were certain things I hadn't brought to the surface or had an awareness around. And just like you know, every conversation with my husband, he's always so supportive and really helps me to uncover some of my own truths. So I think it's going to support you as well and be really powerful and uplifting as well as give you a lot of food for thought. So let's dive in.

Okay, so welcome everybody. For those of you that are watching the Recording Slower Star, this is one of many webinars to come between me and my, my lovely wife, Emily Williams and business partner. We've been working together for what, 10 years now?

Yeah, crazy.

And you know, we, we've done many of these kinds of things and in the chapter that we're in now, joining forces once more, the growth edge, which is our coaching consulting element, going to be going live and talking about some wonderful topic topics here on LinkedIn. And Emily, as you know, a soup and I'm just blowing smoke here, so I apologize for embarrassing you, but one of the most incredible entrepreneurs, business owners, leaders, influencers that you could ever wish to meet and I get to be married to one and why that's so special for me is as a coach who's got to a point of coaching incredible high achieving leaders and learning what their Achilles heels are and how to overcome those things. Emily, is unintentionally being my test subject because along the way, that drive and that ambition and that relentlessness and the challenges that have come along with that have presented opportunities that have allowed me to learn from and, you know, master my skills as a coach to understand that especially in the world of female entrepreneurship where there's such a, such a greater amount of emotional intelligence which also comes with some challenges. And so we'll talk a bit about that. And the topic really for today though is this idea of disappointment, this idea of over functioning that quite a lot of ambitious leaders have, that they it's never enough. And why that is one of the Achilles heels that's holding you back from not only feeling in flow and feeling satisfied, but actually taking your business and your life to another level and maybe another level that you hadn't even considered before. Why don't you speak to a little bit about that, Emily?

Yeah, well, first and foremost, I mean, you'll never embarrass me by saying nice things, so appreciate it. But yeah, I think, you know, you've also been kind of my secret weapon because we think about things very differently and, and I'm the type of person where I will, you know, work myself into the ground essentially to get a result or move something forward and really, you know, essentially put myself last in many ways, especially when it comes to health. And I'm not a natural delegator and I'm not somebody who, yeah, I just, I like to do all the things. And so you. We never set off to work together and we never set off to kind of support each other professionally as well as in relationship. But that's one what naturally unfolded because we both have such different strengths. And so coming together in the growth edge is a really powerful move, not just for us, but also our clients because we've worked with high achieving women and leaders before together. And the, the combination is really transformational because we bring so many different elements to the table because we are so unique. And I can see it from one perspective, you can see it from another perspective. And so it's really like a beautiful synchronicity for us when we work together as well as, like I said, for the clients who are here to serve.

Right. And to be clear, neither of those perspectives are wrong. Right. We're not talking about wrong or right. It's, you know, we all have strengths, we have different ways of seeing the world. And there's a beauty in at least trying to see a Different perspective so that you can just own your way of moving and understand if there's some pain and discomfort, there's. There's a. There's someone else that can do that, or there's a, there's a different way of you utilizing that strength. Like, I don't believe that we all have to, you know, funnel ourselves down to one way of performing, and there's one way there isn't. Right. We all have a unique way of moving through this world. And I truly believe that the only time we falter is when we're not honoring that, when we're trying to be something we're not or trying to be something we think we should be. Because when we own it, things work out. And I think we felt that in our life. I have a quote here to sort of summarize this call, and it's a question, actually. Have you ever worked relentlessly towards something, only have it to fall flat and instead of clarity about maybe what you've learned, you just get a pit in your stomach and things pause and you judge yourself and you feel disappointed. Have you ever felt that, Emily?

For sure, yeah. And I remember you and I having a conversation about this years ago where you pulled out another quote that was basically, you either win or learn. And at the time, I don't know how I received that, but I've gotten much better at my bounce back and not letting things hold me back and pivoting really quickly and just learning from the failure. That doesn't mean that there is an emotion there, but definitely, you know, my bounce back ability has become much stronger and I'm able to move through that much quicker. And so I know that, I know the power of that because there were times, you know, where things and disappointments used to take me out for days, if not, you know, a week. And so it's definitely something that can be learned.

And you just nailed something. They're really important. The disappointment is a part of leadership, isn't it? It's a. It's just a demonstration of I care. I really care about the work that I'm putting in and the result and the impact I want to make. I care. So obviously you're going to be disappointed. The real trick that you pointed out was how long do I want to stay there? How long am I going to allow myself to be disappointed for? And it seems like a silly question, but you should ask yourself that, you know, the next time you're upset or disappointed, you can ask yourself, how long should I be disappointed for? I can't remember on stage. Emily, do you remember who that was?

Well, we were having a conversation with one of our personal friends and mentors, and I won't give away, you know, his information and what happen, but basically he had something set up that was gonna set him, set him and his family up for life, like 50 million dollar deal and the people who were gonna support him with that and the, you know, the, the company ended up just screwing him over and he lost everything, not even the deal, but his entire company that he was selling. And he said he gave himself two weeks to feel upset. And that was really powerful for me because how often do we, we forget to set parameters and we forget to, to be intentional with disappointment. Like we're very intentional with goals, but not with disappointment and setbacks and challenges. We allow ourselves to wallow, we allow ourselves to be taken down instead of, you know, channeling that strength and making an empowered decision about how you want to move forward.

Yeah. And you know, to be clear, this webinar, this live, is not about avoiding failure. It's not about, we have the secret trip to never fail. It's really about what you do next, you know, how long you stay there and how you can learn those lessons and move on. And this person we're talking about is probably one of the most incredible human beings on the planet. And, and so he's an example of what we're talking about, that you can be a deeply passionate, caring, emotionally vibrant person that also has the ability to bounce back quickly. I don't believe that you need to shut down emotion to be successful in business and be cold and emotionless. I think the emotions are a superpower. It's one of the reasons I love working with women because their emotions give them that passion and drive to create amazing things. Learning then that you have way more control over your bounce back than you think is, is the, there's the superpower right there. And so it's about tools. And I think especially when you get to a certain level in your success and this is the people we're talking to where the stakes are higher. You know, I was watching Ryan Dice record a video yesterday and he was talking about this, you know, that, you know, you get to a certain level of success and it may sound good to go from, you know, you know, earning around a million a year to then like 5 million a year. What people don't talk about is the, you know, 4.9 million cost and expenses out of that 5 million year. Right. So it's, yes, more money's coming in. But there's more responsibility and more pressure and so there are tools needed. And don't forget that yes, there are lots of systems that say Ryan, implement helped you implement. But, but there needs to be systems in here as well because this person has to change, you know, who you are as a business owner has to change. And that person needs systems and tools to be able to manage that extra responsibility and that extra bandwidth it's people aren't talking enough about. Yes, earning more money and being successful is great, but guess what? You need to be a different person to handle that, right? If you, if you think you're going to get to this, you know, if you think that your current person is going to get you to a place that then you can sit and relax, you're in for a shock, right? If you really want to ease into that and have it be an enjoyable experience, you have to implement some tools. You have to become the person that is not only capable of getting those results, but holding on to them and enjoying them and having an amazing, beautiful life with your family and your friends and being present. And you know, that really comes from this person. That comes from no matter what the results are, I'm in control, I can handle it. You know, I can find something to be grateful for even on the hardest of days if you can get there, the results you're capable of are huge bounce back ability as we're going to be talking about, it's not about being unaffected by results not coming in. It's really not. It's about being more unshakable. It's, it's being able to handle that. Right? Having a bit more bandwidth. And so today what we want to do is we want to show you how to really shift from that reaction which is very, you know, unconscious and you know, it just happens. It's disappointment to resilience to a level of okay, how long do I want to be disappointed for? What am I learning from this? So that you don't just recover from being shaken, but you actually, you actually become better, you rise from it, you almost then look forward to things not working out because you're going to find, it's in those moments that you find out something that you wouldn't have found out if it all worked out right? Not that we want you to keep failing, but you'll totally and almost, yeah, thrive from it.

I think it's important for people to understand like when they're listening to you speak, it might sound like, okay, well that's amazing. And of Course I want that. And one of the things that I want to throw in there is, you know, when I do a lot of work within my other brands around energetics and money and receiving and the way I like to think about it is you want to prepare yourself to receive the next level. And that's what we're talking about here. It's just like anything else in your life. If you're telling me you want more clients, but we look at your calendar and it's completely full, well, you're not set up to receive the next level. If your, you know, marketing strategy isn't allowing you to receive more leads or your programs are fully booked and they aren't actually scalable, then obviously you're not going to receive more clients. And so we're talking about the energetics as well. Like how do you set yourself up so that you do have the capacity to receive the next level and everything that is there for you and available for you so that you don't, number one, crash and burn, but also so you don't self sabotage because you know, subconsciously, if you're not ready for the next level thing, the next level of wealth, abundance, team, whatever it may be, personal stuff, and you know you'll hold yourself back whether you, it's conscious or not. You, you just will. And so what we're talking about is really essential for next level growth.

Yeah, it really is. It's such a good point. That personal work is expanding you, is expanding the vessel. Right. Making your ability to hold on to more and receive more is something that we're really interested in right now because we've certainly had periods in the business where we've been able to generate massive success, but then things have gone wrong. Not because of a lack of effort or quality from us, but just because of circumstances that are out of our control. And a lot of that I think we've come to realize was at the time, you know, our capacity for all of that wasn't where it could have been. And, and there's also an element of attachment there which comes part and parcel of that when you're really attached to exactly how and when and what should. That's that word again, should happen. Disappointment is much easier to find.

For sure.

You really think about it. The only thing you can actually do is be very intentional with developing the person that's, that's growing in capacity and keeping yourself healthy and vibrant and alive and present and making sure that what you're working on has a purpose that you know why you're doing it, you know, ultimately what the result you want is. And really this is why I love Wayne Dyer for really being at the same time unattached to the outcome. Because we've had many things happen that we didn't think we wanted to happen, but ultimately they, they, they happened for the best reason. And an amazing abundance came from those things.

Yeah, life is going to do it for you some way or another, but you might as well take the reins and, you know, get intentional with it now with what it is that we're talking about today.

Yeah, let's talk about identity.

Okay.

Another thing, I keep unplugging Ryan here, right. One of the things he was talking about was how many leaders. And then you'll resonate with this, Emily. How many leads make their results part of their identity? Right. I win or I lose. That's me. I've won or I've lost. Rather than seeing the data, seeing they, oh, you know, we pumped not enough money into this ad, or we, you know, we failed to communicate with our team in this way, or we didn't quite get the messaging right. Instead of it being data that we measure, like passionate, high performing leaders, they make it about themselves. It's like this was me failing.

Yeah, I mean that one. So you and I like to talk to people, talk with people and work with people who have big missions. And that one's really hard. Like, I'll admit that's hard for me as well because my mission, my professional mission is such a part of, of me and my identity. And I feel like it's maybe not even my identity anymore, but like, it's just such a, a huge part of my life. And so it's very hard not to take things personally or to attach that emotion to it. So that's definitely something that I've been working on over the last few years for sure. And I think it's very like, like you said, we're not talking about things being black or white, bad or wrong here because you need that drive to be able to move the thing forward. Like, no one's gonna care as much about your mission as you like, even that top person in your company. Like, they're gonna care, but maybe they're like one degree less than you and they. So you need that. But at the same time, there's a point, there's a tipping point where it becomes a detriment and it's not actually healthy for you or the business.

Right. So what have you done? Because like you said, I think it's important to have that passion, because I've seen it in you. That's what gives you the drive to be so prolific because you care. So what have you done to shift from making failure about you to, okay, what can we measure here? Like, why did it happen? What does the. What are the numbers say? And. And how can I use all this energy that's now built up and put it in another direction? Because I've seen you do it many, many times. What. How do you do. How do you transition?

I think one of the biggest things that you and I talk about with clients that answers this question is a level of trust. And, and so when you trust what you're meant for and what your mission is, and what, you know, the businesses that you're creating or who you're here to serve, and you have a very clear purpose and you have a very clear understanding of what you're meant for, then you can trust that everything's unfolding as it's meant to. Does that mean that it's easy? No. But you have an abundant mindset, and you know that this is all happening for you and might not make sense right now, but it's happening for you. So. So let me give you an example. Last week, I was feeling, like, really contracted. I was feeling, like, really heavy. Not physically, but just, like, overall. And what I realized is, oftentimes that happens when I'm about to have a big breakthrough, and it's kind of like giving birth almost, which is weird. And I don't know that I want it to happen like that, but that's just how it happens. And so, but when you have, like, that level of trust, you realize, okay, I'm not, you know, being told to throw the entire thing out. I'm not being told, like, this isn't working. There's just something going on energetically. I'm going to ride the waves and I'm going to continue to trust that this is unfolding as it's meant to. And that can be really frustrating because we want things to happen in, you know, two days or two weeks or whatever it is. And of course, there's. There's things that you can implement to speed things up if that's, you know, what you desire. But at the same time, it just comes down to, you know, having that level of trust and recognizing that if, like, you were in true belief that everything you want is meant for you and possible, how would you be showing up right now? And that's what I ask myself. And that eradicates that anxiety that worry that disappointment. Because if you're in full trust, none of that exists.

Yeah. And that, and that's why you're such a powerhouse. Because. And I've written it down here, that's what's taking you from temporary defeat, which, yes, is emotional and hard, and you might metaphorically or really scream into the pillow, to lasting empowerment because of that trust, because of that recognizing, okay, let's just move forward because I know it, you know, I obviously expected something to happen at a certain time in a certain way. It's going to happen. It's gonna, and it has. And there's plenty for you to measure, look back. Right? And that's why we go back to this. The avatar here, the highly ambitious, passionate leader. Rather than get rid of the emotion or thinking that your emotion's wrong, understand that that wonderful emotion is a, is a, is a powerhouse. Right. It's like, it's like an energy factory. But that energy can take you down, it can lift you up. So that's why building. What Emily's doing is. She's building, she's expanding her capacity not only to create, but to deal with those moments of turbulence so that when she's shaken, she's got enough bandwidth to go through that process of. I'm really upset, I'm really disappointed, I'm screaming to empowerment. Okay, what do we do now? How do I redirect my energy? If she hadn't built that bandwidth, then she would have gone down solo. She'd never get back up again. Right. So that's what she's doing. She's building her capacity from the outside. When you're, when you're seeing might seem like when she's disappointed, man, she's. I don't know if she's going to come back from this. That's just emotion. That's as I say about my beautiful wife, she's emotionally generous. It's a wonderful thing. But it's really just exercising. It's better than holding it in. You gotta, you gotta get, you know, conjure that stuff up and then like a master redirect it. This is what you do so well, right? So just.

Well, and I just want to say, you know, back in the day, I remember being on a group program call when I first started my business. And I was so upset because it was during this period where I had 54 no's in a row. 54 people said no to working with me. And I got on a call with my coach and, and the other ladies who were in the program and I was Crying. And I was saying, this isn't working, and all the things. And I remember years later running into some of those ladies, and they said, you know, we were all texting each other, like, I don't know about this Emily Williams. I don't know if she's going to make it. And I ended up being, like, the top person in the program. You know, hit seven figures in 18 months after, you know, doing all my internal work and figuring things out. And, you know, I'll always remember that because there are people who might look at you from the outside and be like, oh, I don't know what she's gonna. What she's gonna do next, but you get to develop that internal strength to continue to move forward and allow your passion to fuel you. And like I said, like, tune into that level of trust and develop the tools to create more resilience. Like, I remember when we were living in London, there was one time where I don't know what I was going through, but you said, if you really want to scream. Because we were in a townhouse that in Fulham, and you said, if you really want to scream, I'll drive you to an empty parking lot and you can scream in the car. Because I didn't want to scream, even into a pillow, because I was worried about our neighbor who happened to be the world's top male supermodel, David Gandy. I was worried about him hearing me and, you know, everyone else, all of our other neighbors, and you're like, I'll drive you, and you can scream. So, you know, just developing those. Those tools to release that emotion. And I think also, you know, being a parent, like, you're kind of forced to get out of your bubble. And so whether it's finding something else that's of interest to you, something outside of your company and your work that gives you purpose and meaning and joy is really imperative as well.

Yeah, for sure. You know, there is a flip side to that, and I think this is a big one for guys. I know it has been a big one for me. And that time still is. And that's the opposite of all that emotion. And that's what happens if you. You have emotional residue, right? You leave it in. You don't express it. And that causes the same thing as not bouncing back. It's a performance plateau. It's like. It's just you've. You've weighed yourself down with so much unchecked emotion that you have decided not to express. So those people that maybe thought, oh, Emily's not going to make it, you know, maybe they've not given themselves permission to, to express how they really feel. Right. Because they care. I'm sure they care. You know, is there a judgment about, oh, if I scream out loud or cry in front of all these people, they're going to think I'm weak, so I'm not going to do it. So what happens is you hold all that in because you, you think you've got to look strong, whatever that means. Now you're just, you're wondering why you just can't process stuff, you can't perform. It's because you, that unchecked emotion is energy. Emily gets it out and then says, right, what next? And it's a superpower. And it's interesting because it's not that you've ever been scared of being judged, you know, you're human like the rest of us. And I remember we watched one of your old videos, didn't we, the other day when your first ever videos. Right. And I'm so impressed because obviously you weren't the Emily Williams you are now. And it's very robotic. But you, you just did it. I couldn't even watch this. Right, you couldn't even watch it now. And this was 10 years ago.

It was painful.

Yeah, but it's like you did it. The point is you did it, right?

It's, yeah.

You know, emotion and whether you express it or not, there's a lot to do with judgment and how we judge ourselves and we fear judgment from other people. You can't have that stuff if you're, if you're now the high performing leader and you're up there in the, you know, the millions and you've got the big mission. You can't be worried about what other people think about you and you can't.

Be.

You can't be managing how you come across in that way. You know, one of our good friends was talking about authentic leadership recently and she was right. It's, you know, to not be authentic as a leader is exhausting. To try and be something you're not is exhausting. And if people can't appreciate it, maybe they're not the right people to be around you, you know, because that's how, that's one of the ways that you, you build resilience is you really own who you are and you manage it. And I'm not talking about crying on every meeting because actually when you build your bandwidth, you're not going to, but there's going to be times where you've got to show that emotion. Right. So let's. Let's move on to something useful for people. We've talked about, you know, the why, you know, why we're here and how feeling disappointed and down and can be really detrimental to your business and to your bandwidth, which is really what this is about. It's like understanding not only where I want to go, but if I felt, if I bounced back from disappointment quicker and I had more bandwidth, where would I aim? Might be a better question that I'm not currently aiming. There's a framework to all of this. Right. And the framework is really that you can apply to the next time something happens in your life or in your business that was unexpected and it threatens to take you down. Like, you know, you can feel it. For me, it might be the pit of my stomach. I just. Like I was expecting. I was convinced that this was going to be different. There was a different result coming in.

Yeah.

How do we process that?

Can I say one thing real quick? Before you get to the framework, I want people to also understand that this is not just about the big things that happen. You might be experiencing chronic disappointment where you are, you know, for years you've been experiencing success in your life or your business, but you're still not satisfied or you're still not happy. And I know that for me, you know, happiness has always been a bit of an enigma. Even when I moved to London for the first time, the first coach I saw was a happiness coach because I literally did not know how to be happy. And there's like this thing that we wear. It's like a badge of honor as we grow our company and we step into new levels is like, you know, this feeling of I always have to be pushing, I always have to be stressed to be successful. I always have to be wanting the next thing. Like, what if I'm satisfied right now, does that mean I'm not going to be able to be the achiever and the striver and the. The person who's able to create the results. And so I also want people to understand that this framework can be used for, like, if you are in that place and you've been in that place for a long time, like, how do you create that joy and that gratitude and that appreciation for yourself and everything that you do every single day and just who you are in general, even if you haven't yet experienced that or you've been had moments of it, but it's not something that seems to last.

Yeah, thank you for bringing that up. I think we mentioned that on the live the other day, chronic disappointment. Like it's living with the feeling, being disappointed for so long. It's almost a set point. Yeah, that's a really, that's a really, really good one because that, that has even bigger, you know, implementations for your life when you.

Right.

You don't even recognize the how tasty your coffee was that morning or the fact that a, you know, a beautiful bird landed in the garden. And then joy just doesn't exist in your life because you're so in your head with what's wrong. You know what they say, you know, if you look for it, you'll find it right in the world. You know, the, the world is as you believe it is.

I hope you're enjoying the episode so far. Before we get back to the interview, I wanted to share a little something I think you'll find valuable. If you're looking for more clarity on what you want in life or feel like something is holding you back, I've created a free Dream life guide just for you. It's a step by step resource to help you get clear on your goals and break through any mindset blocks that might be in the way. So head over to iheartmylife.comguide to download it for free. All right, now back to the conversation.

So when someone is reading the news right now or they're looking at the world and all they're doing is saying, listen, the world's a terrible place. Everyone's bad, everyone's crazy, we're all doomed. That's what you believe. It's very easy to find information that's going to back that up.

Yeah.

If you choose to, to believe something different that goes along with. Okay, sometimes things don't work out the way I want them to. I wonder why. I wonder why. I wonder what there is, what gift there is in that for me. You know, it's. I, I think Emily's right that this isn't just about your business. Because guess what? The people we're talking to, their life and their business are kind of the same thing. Like, if you go out for dinner with me and Emily, you know, we're not going to change the subject to talk about the weather all evening. We're still going to be talking about this because this is what we love. Right. So we can't separate it. And so really it applies to absolutely everything in life. How you sharp in one place is how you show up everywhere. So this, there's two schools of thought about what I'm going to share here, actually. Because I do actually have a framework which is a bit longer, which I'm going to send people to ask for it. It's called the peace lens and it's a framework that you can really live by every day. That would apply to everything, but it's a bit longer. So what I might do is I'm going to throw that seed out there. If you're interested in that, I'll touch on it again and I'll send it to you and I'll teach it to you. We can set up a call and I'll teach it to you. Pretty fun, but I'll take you the, the, the, the bare bones of a framework right now, right, for immediate bounce back. So this one's probably more applicable when in the moment you're recognizing disappointment for whatever reason. It's less of a, a constant life plan. This one's more of a. It's in your back pocket, it's ready to go. The first one is about acknowledgement. Now one of the, one of the things I teach as a coach is persuasion theory, right? It's how to be positively influential. It can be applied to sales, it can be applied to helping a loved one who's going through a hard time make better choices. It's about positive influence. And what we learn through influence theory is the first thing we do in that situation with a person is to acknowledge them. And so that applies to ourselves as well. When you're feeling an emotion is hard, right? Don't judge it, just acknowledge it. Just say I acknowledge. I acknowledge that you feel disappointed that in this day, in this situation, I acknowledge that. I acknowledge how you feel. Even that alone with a breath is really all you want from other people, right? Is. I hear you, right? Don't absorb it, just acknowledge it. Just see it. It's kind of like when we meditate, right? We don't attach to what we're seeing flying through our mind. We just acknowledge they're there, allow the thoughts to pass. And they do. When you, when you learn to own results instead of internalizing them and, and giving yourself shame and self doubt and you know, these, these kind of cruel, you know, ways of treating yourself, instead you just acknowledge the things you're. You've got a much, you don't have so much of a cavern to climb out of, right? You just, you just, you just sit with it for a moment, okay? It's the power of neutral language. You don't go to, to kind of like love loving you. Don't go too hating you. Just be nice and neutral. And, and I'll tell you why. Because neutral language is very soft on the nervous system. Right? We don't want to go. Some people go too hard on faking the positivity. Right? Oh, it's going to be fine. It's amazing.

Woo.

You know what's that do that, that triggers your nervous system to go too high in the other direction and then crashes all the way back down again. It's like the sugar effect, right, for your nervous system. If you keep that emotion neutral and just say, I acknowledge how I feel right now. I acknowledge the result didn't happen the way I want it to happen, rather than I failed. Because if you really think about it, did you fail? Did you fail? You know, there's so much in that. Did you fail? Did the results fail? Is it failure or is it just, is it just a thing where the result happened differently to what you thought it would happen? It's not. Is it a failure? Not really. Neutral. Right. And I see Emily smirking because. Because again, yes, James, I understand that this is a good thing to do, but in the moment, this is why, again, I don't want to make your emotion wrong. Whenever we practice something regularly, it becomes a more set state. Right. The first time you listen to this and you go to step one, you want to acknowledge something without getting emotional about it. It might not work, you'll try to, but the emotion might be really strong, which is why repetition is really important here. Emily. Sorry.

No, it's okay. I'm smirking because I'm just thinking about my own process with this, with the acknowledgment piece and the bounce back. And I think you're completely right. Just observing, not judging it, just getting curious. And also like the thing that works for me now, or at least I've trained myself to kind of shift into, is any sort of disappointment or any challenge I experience, I automatically think like within seconds, wow, this is going to make a really good story. This is going to make a really good email. This is going to make a really good TED Talk. And I remember even like I've shared this story publicly, like getting sued by American express with a 6 week old baby in my arms. I remember feeling like obviously terrible disappointment for a few seconds, but then I was like, wow, this is going to make a really good story because I've realized that my pain actually supports my mission in many ways. I'm not saying I want more of it, but like, sharing honestly, some of the struggles that I've had have been inspiring for People and made people feel less alone. And so I know that I can turn it into a positive, you know, once I've received my own lessons and been able to process it. And that little trigger activator really helps me to bounce back even quicker. And so I don't know if that's the healthiest way to deal with it, but it's definitely something that moves me through the disappointment quicker.

Well, that's actually beautiful mastery to step two. Right. Because as I said, in that moment, rather than going into the disappointment and the I failed language and the judgment and the shame and the self doubt, the acknowledgement you acknowledge, but you've got this big ball of energy that wants to. Wants to go somewhere, right. Previously, it might have gone to shame, disappointment and disappointment. It wants to go somewhere. So what do you do? You redirect it. And that's what you did in that moment. You felt the disappointment, but you very quickly masterfully redirected that energy towards. This is going to make a great story. Right. So that's step two is really reconnect with the intent. Right? What, what were you actually aiming for? The thing, whatever it was that you deemed as unsuccessful or failure or whatever it was that disappointing. Reconnect with why you wanted the outcome you wanted. Right. What was the purpose behind it? Because it was probably a good purpose. Right. And what Emily did is redirected energy towards something that's really in alignment with that purpose. Still something that's going to support it going forward. Right. If it was a business result or if it's a thing, it's like this is going to help me, you know, support more people. Wow. This thing that's happened that may seem terrible is going to help me continue to do what I do. Thank you. You've just given me some wonderful story. Right. So rather than from what just happened to why did you. Why did you start in the first place? Like, what if this is a business thing that didn't work out the way you wanted it? Why did you start this project or this mission or this goal? Like, why reconnect with that? Right. Because it's really being connected to our purpose in process that gives us the energy to manage ourselves during these road bumps or these redirects, Right. Because the purpose is always the most important thing. Right. You're going to have many finishing lines in your life and the thing that's going to light you up is not going to be what happens at the finishing line. It's in process. Because you're going to be in process most of your life and be very few finishing lines in comparison to the process. Right. So when you anchor yourself, and this is a good lesson for how you live, rather than just in the moment of disappointment, anchoring yourself in the mission and not the moment in those, in, you know, when it comes to these things is. Is really important because everything is in alignment with that. Right. How the reason I show up this morning for my daughter, no matter how she's feeling. Right. No matter how I'm feeling, the reason I show up for her is because there's a purpose to being the best father I can be. Right. So no matter what, if, you know, something's happened, that meant, you know, let's say she was sick for the day, and that meant I had to cancel a load of sales calls. Right. It doesn't matter, because my purpose is to be a great father and there'll be other sales calls.

Yeah. And I think the thing that you just helped me realize as well, which is why I call you my secret weapon. It's, you know, that the main purpose and reason why I started was to inspire people. And sometimes my challenges do that better than my successes, you know? And so to shift to, like, I tried. I showed up. I did. It is very powerful versus, like, the shame and the disappointment. And I wasn't planning to get emotional on a LinkedIn webinar, but, like, that's what's happened, obviously, because I'm talking to you and just having the aha. That some, like, what if your challenge and the thing that you're disappointed about is actually going to have a bigger impact than the successes or you achieving in that moment?

Yeah. You know what, Emily? There's a. There's a. There's a thought, and I've heard this before, that if you're having chat, if you're having more challenges than seems fair right now, that's just kind of the universe's way of giving you extra fodder because maybe the thing you're aiming for isn't big enough.

Yeah. I remember reading that in, like, a Kevin Hart book, of all places. He was like, the bigger the challenge, the greater the reward. And he has, like, the stories to prove it, but I've always kept that in my back pocket as well.

Yeah. It's like, you know, it's a subtle redirect. It's kind of the same in our bodies. Right. Let's say we're not living the healthiest that we could live. After all, your body starts giving you signs, Right. It might give you pain somewhere. It might give you other, other immune system challenges, but you know, your body will give you signs if you're not treating it the way, you know, the way it deserves to be treated. And the world, your mission, your reason for being here will also give you signs if you, if you need a bit of a nudge. And sometimes those nudges, they hurt. And how you manage your redirect in those moments is everything, right? It's absolutely everything. So before we go to step three, let's just reiterate, right? Those moments of disappointment come in neutral emotion, just acknowledgement. I acknowledge that I feel this way. I acknowledge that this result wasn't what I expected. I acknowledge it, it was the result number two, just reconnect with the purpose. Why did I aim for that in the first place? What's the overall thing here? Because it was aiming for something bigger. I know it's bigger than me, right? Let's just stick with that. And what can I gain from this? The third one is very dependent on the depth of the disappointment and the emotion in the moment, right? How much this hit you. And through that, as quickly as you can, you create yourself what I like to call a reactivation plan. So our friend that we spoke about, he gave himself a big amount of time, two weeks to recover from what was an epic thing that happened. You know, losing millions and his and his business. It could be anything from a 24 hour to two weeks. But I've written down 72 hour activation plan, create a reactivation plan. What that is, that's an intentional, that's an intention in the moment to do something for your energy to get yourself pointed in the right direction using all that energy that's built up that you could decide at one iteration of your life. That's disappointment, but really it's just energy. Use that in the next two or three days to reactivate yourself. So you move from what most people do, which is ruminate in disappointment and feel sorry for themselves. You move from that to direction. What am I going to do with all this energy? I'm going to move it somewhere, I'm going to get fired up. And even intention there you'll feel in your body, you'll feel yourself start to get passionate and say, right, what I'm going to do with this? Well, I'm going to realign with the purpose of me doing what I'm doing. I'm going to realign with the process, see where it can be, you know, adjusted and moved and, and changed and not just be focused on the prize on the outcome, Right? Because if all of your energy is on the outcome, it's not in the one place that's going to get you the outcome, which is the process. It's very logical when you think about it. If you're constantly thinking about how much I'm going to get, how much am I going to get, when's it going to win, when's it going to win? If your all energy is going there, you're denying the process the goal. You're denying the process the creative part of your brain that is going to come up with magic. And it's also going to have the bandwidth to make slight adjustments when these little things happen that are unexpected along the way. Okay, so really the takeaway here is resetting, which is what we're talking about here. Reset setting is a skill. It's not just the theory that I'm talking about. It's a skill. And like any skill, it must be practiced and practiced and practiced. Right? That, people, is what your competitive advantage is. Right? That's what's going to set you apart. You think it's your content or your, your qualifications or your certifications. It's not. I guarantee you there are plenty of people out there doing exactly what you do, probably not as well as you do it, and they're way more successful because they know how to reset from disappointment. They know how to get back up on that horse really quickly. It's. It's the number one essential must have for those very ambitious people who really want to go big and really want to make a difference. You must have a reset scratch strategy. You must have that skill nailed down, you know, to not only survive, but to thrive. Okay, Emily, any, any thoughts on that?

No, I love that. I think it's so great. And I think how often do. Are we not having this conversation? You know, I was just thinking, we were chatting. We advertise this for people who get disappointed. And I was thinking how many people were probably not wanting to admit that they get disappointed and sign up for this? Because on LinkedIn you have to actually ticket and register, right? And it shows your face. How many of us don't want to admit that we've gone to that place or that we're chronically disappointed despite the way our life looks or what we've achieved so far? And so I think just normalizing this conversation and actually saying, like, you, you have to have a plan because this is part of the human experience. And it's okay, there's nothing wrong with you, but there are tools And a plan and a framework that you can use to support yourself with. This is crucial.

Yeah, yeah. And, you know, that's a lesson for us. Like, yeah, maybe the way that we labeled this webinar wasn't as effective for bringing people in as it could have been for that exact reason. But, you know, it's a great test because those who have shown up, kudos to you.

Yeah.

And those who watch it, it's a, you know, be an interesting one. It may be largely down to schedule. Right. But, but it is, you know, it goes back to emotional generosity. As we said earlier, what you're willing to own up to will take you a long way. Because if you can't sign up for a webinar because you don't want to admit that you might feel disappointed, then you might not even be coachable.

Well, that's the thing. Like, I remember just my example with showing up and crying on that call. I remember thinking to myself, yeah, this might be a little bit embarrassing, but my dream is way more important than five minutes of embarrassment. Like, I have to move through this and get the support that I'm craving in order to go to the next level. And I'm willing to look like an idiot or fool or emotional or whatever those people thought for a second. And that's not my truth. They might think it is, but I'm willing to show up and be vulnerable in order to get to the next level and live out my big purpose.

Yeah. And it's very inspiring because you're, you're giving people permission to say, it's okay, I'm a human being. I have tear ducks. There is a reason that this happens. You know, I'm not, it's not weird. Right. So I want to reiterate this term bounce back ability that we're talking about here. Leaders that win long term are the ones that recover quickly. That's the simplest way I can say it. Right. Leaders that wing long term are the ones that recover quickly because they will all. And you will all have things that don't work out the way you want them to at times in your life and in your business. That's life. Okay? So it's very logical. The quicker you learn to bounce back from disappointment, the quicker you move on and learn and thrive. Which makes resilience. Not about personality type. You hear so many people say, oh, she's just more resilient than me, or he's just more resilient than me. Resilience is a skill and some people learnt it when they were Very, very young with the way they were brought up. Some people have to learn it later in life, but it's a skill and that's great news because skills can be learned. There's slow ways to learn them and there's faster ways to learn them. I know the fast way to learn it. Right. It's what I teach. And so it's really important to understand that anything that's a skill, that's a wonderful thing. If all you're missing is resilience and you're trying to manage without it, it's a skill, you can learn it, That's a good thing. Okay. There's ways to build it, right. That you know, your environment really matters. Right. But that's also why we have, you know, mentors and peers and coaches. We have people that can help us not only learn a skill, but identify the skills that need to be learned in the first place. Right. That's how high performing leaders accelerate their bounce back is they, you know, they, they get help. They get help identifying areas of struggle. Resilience isn't putting up with something that's taking you down, by the way. That's what I've seen a lot of leads. It's like, yeah, it stresses me out. I'm always stressed, but that's just part of leadership. It's just my sacrifice. No, you don't have to suffer for your success. Sure, sometimes you have to work hard and sometimes it is hard and sometimes it hurts. But that's not a prerequisite. That's not, that's not a requirement. You don't, it's, you don't have to put up with that. There are skills you can learn to bounce back quicker so that there are less times of being taken down so that you actually, you're so confident in going big because you know you can handle. If it doesn't work out, you'll go bigger, right? And if you go bigger, there's more, more coming your way. Okay, so what's the identity shift here? The identity shift is from pressure driven achiever to purpose driven leader. There's no reward or medal for being stressed at the end of your week. You don't get a reward for that. You know, no one's gonna, no one's gonna say, I'm really proud of you because you're always stressed. Because I know that that's a thing. Right? A lot of people get brought up like that. It's like you're not allowed to sit and do nothing. You're not allowed to be happy and Relax. Because that means you're not working hard enough. Right? That's a lie. It's not real. In fact, if you really want to, if anyone's ever told you that, then you've had an opportunity to really inspire them with what's. With what's possible. By being the happy, peaceful, thriving leader who knows how to put your feet up at the weekend and turn your phone off because you got it handled. Because your bandwidth is so big that even though loads of things went wrong and loads of challenges happened that week, you didn't absorb them. You acknowledge yourself, you moved on, you came up with a plan and you and that plan is being implemented. Mini takeaway. Resilience isn't a reaction, it's a way of being. And like, like I said, if it's a way of being, you've got to learn to be that to skill. Right. Sometimes I feel like there's a harshness with that word, resilience. Right. Really, it's just, it's just. It's actually quite a softness, I believe. I think resilience is a softness. It's a. I don't need to carry around my heavy armor all day. It's wearing me out. That's fear. That's fear of things are going wrong. So I feel like I need to be in fight or flight. Resilience is knowing that actually you don't need that. You know, that. That you can be soft and then when things hit you, they don't. It doesn't. Nothing breaks. It just kind of bounces off a little bit and you recognize, you acknowledge it and you move on. Okay, so, Emily, unless you've got any more to say, we'll close this off with a message. Did you want to reflect on any of that before we close off?

Yeah, I saw. I heard something. I'm just looking for it because I wrote it down because I thought it was so beautiful. So, Gabby Bernstein, I was listening to an interview that she did recently with Lewis Howes, and she said the shift that she made is that she's still on top, but she's trusting. And I thought that was so powerful because she was talking about, you know, how she was such a stress head and no one could do it as good as her. And, you know, her team would see her get upset and, and get annoyed so easily, but now she's shifted to like this new level of trust and like you said, a softness, but she's still on top, she's still powerful, she's still living out her mission, achieving all the things but, you know, there's a level of trust there. So how can we shift from on, from, you know, this like. Like we've described this whole time, chatting to someone who's on top but trusting.

Yeah, it's so beautiful. She's amazing. I mean, it's so logical as, well. Anything that's rigid will crack under pressure, but anything that's soft, it just absorbs the pressure. So, you know, we're not talking about softness in terms of. It's not weakness. It's actually way stronger. Right. We could get all philosophical with Bruce Leed, who talked about being water. Right. Water's the same thing. Right. It sounds silly, but it's so true. Like, you can't break water, but it's the most powerful element. I mean, it's so powerful. There's an. There's a truth in that. He said, be like water. It's so old and repeated now, but there's so much truth and power in that that you can. There's a softness that allows you to be resilient because you can absorb so much and. And let it. Let it, you know, bounce off you. So let's close this off and just offer something here. I wrote this down, and I don't know if the word broken resonates with everyone, but I wrote down, you're not broken. You're just between breakthroughs. You're not doing it wrong. You're not, you know, you're not failing. You're between breakthroughs. I think that's an interesting message because as we said, anytime that things just don't seem to be going your way and things maybe are more challenging than you're used to, there's a breakthrough about to happen. And if you. If you listen to what we're saying and, and maybe you get in touch and you learn about building resilience in this, in this way, then you're going to have the energy to figure out what that is, what that breakthrough is, and how to move towards it, rather than try and avoid. Really determined how fast you move forward. Right. Slowing down enough to sort of like acknowledge and, and build that resilience is going to make the path forward so much smoother and easier.

Totally. Yeah. And I think people. I want to make sure people understand that we're here to support you through that breakthrough. We offer breakthrough sessions specifically for that reason, because you don't have to do this alone. And we've been doing this for 10 years and worked with thousands of people around the world. And sometimes you need that other perspective in order to get that result. And so I just want to invite everyone. You can go to thegrowthedge.com book and you can book an initial consultation call with us so we can take a look at what's going on, see how we can support you and make a suggestion. Maybe that's a breakthrough session. Maybe it's a full immersive VIP day with us. Maybe it's a year of amazing support with both of us. We'll see what's the best next step for you. But I just want to make that clear that you don't have to do this alone and we are here to support you and guide you through this implementation. So, yeah, go to thegrowthedge.com book and you can book a complimentary consultation and then we'll see what the right next step is.

Yeah, do. It's a conversation. What I'd love to do. For anyone listening to this, I'd love to teach you the piece the Peace Lens, right. Which is a more in depth version of this, you know, this resilience builder. It's, it's a really beautiful process. I'm happy to teach that to you and, and send you the PDF afterwards as well. So, you know, booking a call, let's have a chat, let me hear about what's going on, what your big dreams are and we can very quickly make those dreams way more attainable and maybe even something even, even bigger than you could ever think possible. Right? There's a lot of, there's a lot of amazing people that are holding themselves back because their focus is so outside of them. You are the weapon, right? You're the superpower. You're the thing that's left over when you take away all the processes that will be different next year anyway. Everything that's in your business right now is going to be different next year. Right? So it's not them, sure, you need them. It's you. You're the person that makes the decisions, that hires the people that, that delivers whatever it is you deliver. So therefore it's you that gets to implement your own internal processes and skills that, that helps you realize how much more powerful and resilient and incredible you could be. All while both being very happy and present and enjoying this life rather than waiting for some result to enjoy life. You can do that along the way. Okay, so as, let me say, just, just let's talk, go to the, go to the growth edge or you can contact me here on LinkedIn, send me a DM, just say, hey, send me a message. My profile page has all the booking links in there as well. So unless there's any any more to conclude. Emily, I appreciate you coming on as well. You've been in such an inspiration for me. I know we've been tag teaming it our whole relationship but you know, I appreciate my wife's a very busy person so I appreciate her, you know, joining me on this and we're going to do more.

Yep, it was amazing. Thank you. And thanks for everyone who's watched and tuned in.

And if anyone wants the recording, send me a DM and I'll get you the recording. All right, take care everyone. Speak soon.

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