Ep 1: In conversation with Esmée Gummer

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Welcome to the All Is Wellness Podcast with me, Emma Naylor. Join us in open and honest conversations with wellness professionals and industry experts. Welcome to the All Is Wellness Podcast. This week's guest is one of my best friends, the amazing Esme Gummer. Esme is head of Wellness at Virgin Active, an ultra marathon runner, SAS who dares, wins contender, a motivational speaker, a TV presenter and a fitness coach as. Is there anything that you can't do?

Do you know what? You can't see me right now, but when you were doing that, I was like, have my hands to my face. I was like. I was like, blushing. I was like, literally, like, sitting here, like, with my hands to my face, blushing. Thank you. That was, I think that was up there, Emma, with one of the nicest intros I've ever, ever had. So thanks for that. Good.

Well, Esme and I met over five years ago when she was teaching at a boutique fitness studio in the city of London. After reading about her story and taking one of her amazing and grueling spin classes, I knew that we had to be friends. Ten years ago, Esme was told that she'd never walk again. Despite being told by doctors and professionals, she knew that this wasn't going to be her story. As for those that don't know about your journey, can you please just share a little bit about your amazing story?

Yes, of course. And when you say a little bit, I will, because now I have so much more to say about that. Ten years on this. This was. This is going to be nearly 11 years, you know. Wow. Yeah, yeah, it's the big three zero this year, 30 years old. So, you know, this is. This is. Oh, it might be 12 years, then. Oh, word. There you go, 12 years. So when I was 18, I was actually. I was meant to. I was meant to go to dance college. I'd always been a dancer, always loved dancing and my. My dream was to be a dancer, professional dancer. When I grew up, you know, in the big bad world, and I was due to start dance college and about six weeks before, I had a little hernia, very little hernia in my groin. And for anyone who doesn't know what hernia is, it's basically, in my case, my intestine had popped through my muscle wall, so you sort of get a tear and it pops through and all they do is they push it back in, they put a little bit of mesh over it and sew it up. And like I said, it was very, very small operation, but unfortunately, as I was coming round, I had A reaction to. Well, they say either the anti sickness drugs or the anesthetic, one or the other. And it did leave me paralyzed from waist down. So I, I was, I had to learn to walk again. Basically. I think you kind of said, well, what happened there? No one really knew what happened. You know, it was mad, Emma, because I remember, I remember at one point they were like saying, oh, you might have had a stroke, you know, so they were actually saying like, oh, we're not sure if you had a stroke. We're not sure. All these things. We're not sure if because I seizured as I was going around. And they're saying, oh, we're not sure if you've damaged your spinal cord. There was so many what ifs and question marks. So to be in that position, there wasn't really anything other than what I was in. In that moment, you couldn't go, okay, when am I walking out or when am I going to get better? So it was that side of it where, you know, that's where the question marks were and people saying, we just don't know what's going on.

So from then, as obviously, like, even I've heard you say that story so many times. Like so, so many times at talks or like private conversations we've had. And every time I hear that story, it's just not you. Like, I see the Esme today, like on the spin bike, running ultramarathons, you know, going to Ibiza on holiday with me, like just doing all these things that, you know, 12 years ago you wouldn't have been able to do. How, how did you go from again, as I said, being told you're never going to walk again to now doing all these amazing things that not your average person could do. You know, most people wouldn't ever dream of running an ultra marathon or competing on sas. Who Dares wins?

I don't know. I did either.

How do you feel like. And how did you get there from, you know, being that girl lying in the hospital bed to have done it have been, you know, taking part in all these amazing things that you've done in your life?

Do you know what? I think that the biggest point you've made there, and it couldn't resonate more with me, is you saying it just doesn't sound like you. And it's funny, when we started this conversation, I said, look, I will only speak a little bit about it because as I said, it has been 12 years, but it's not, it's not how long it's been Emma, It's. It's. I genuinely feel like a different person. Like, I genuinely look at that girl and sometimes I can't believe it. Like, I've got photos and videos of, like, my progress and stuff and I look and think I'm just not her. And the reason for that is I had such a drastic, drastic change and not physically, mentally. I went from being this young girl who I really was heavily reliant on friends and family and I was quite baby. Babyish, which people wouldn't believe probably now if they met me now, but I was actually quite babyish and quite afraid. Not afraid, but I knit to the point where I'd make my older sister come upstairs with me if I had to go upstairs, or I'd leave the bathroom door open and let everyone watch me on the toilet because I just didn't want to be on my own. And I didn't, I didn't. And if I went to, you know, I was only speaking to my sister about the other day, if I went to a family party, I'd be so scared to walk in. Emma. I mean, even now I can think about myself. It makes me feel sick. I used to get dread about walking into a family party. I know my family and I used to need my sister there all the time to help me. And that's where. When I. When this happened to me, right, I'd been 18 by a month. I turned 18 by one month. So had this had happened a month before, I would have been 17 and. And class as a child and I'd have been on a children's ward, But I was 18, so I was. I was classed as an adult. So I was on the adult ward. And when I say, like, that is such a. Such a. A strong moment to remember is being. Being looked at as a child and being looked at as an adult how differently I was treated and how differently my recovery was. Because when you're a child, you're allowed your mum or dad there for 24 hours.

Yeah.

A day when you're an adult is visiting hours and you have to abide by them. Even if you just turn 18 by a month, I still was a child in my head. So that was it for me is when you say you're such a different person or I can't believe it's you. I can't either, because I honestly could say that was the moment in my life where I did become what is classed as an adult, because I had to. And in a way I'm glad that I had to and As a consequence of that happening and having to become an adult and having to deal with a lot of it on my own from 9pm till the next day lunchtime, I was on my own with it. And having to do that then turned me into this person you talk about who runs ultra marathons and goes on sas, who does wins and things like that. Because it shaped me that day. And that was the day that, you know, I came out of there, this new person transformed into, you know, what is class as an adult? But it wasn't. There's adults out there today that maybe still aren't making decisions for themselves and doing things because they don't have. They don't necessarily have the fight or the push to do it. Because I'm glad for what I went through because it excelled my growth and it excelled me to become, you know, someone who wanted to take responsibility for myself and learn and grow and go through hardship and come out of hardship. And that's why. So when people say, why do you do ultramaraphins and SAS and climb mountains and marathons and blah, blah, blah, I said, why'd you do it? And it simply is because I know the best gift I ever had was going through hardship. So if I know that by going through being paralyzed and walking again was one of the best gifts I've ever got, why would I not replicate that again? Why would I not choose to put myself through hardship when I know, and I know for a fact I'm going to come out better because I've done it? So that's why I do it, because I know the reward is unbelievable. It's life changing and it changes you for the better. And this is why I wish everybody could go through some sort of hardship early on so they can replicate it too.

No, absolutely. And I think, as you sort of said, actually, you know, there was the physical side of it, but I think, you know, as we've spoken about it before and as you very publicly spoken about it, is the mental side of it was probably harder than the physical side.

Absolutely. How?

When the doctors told you, when they said to you. When I think of little 18 year old Esme sitting in the bed being told, this is your life, you're never going to walk again. How did you go from that feeling of being told as an 18 year old you wanted to be a dancer, having all of that taken away to finding that motivation to go, actually, this is not what my life is going to be. And I know there is more for me. How did you get there? What sort of journey did you have to go through to be able to go? Actually, I know that there's more out there for me and I'm not going to stop until I get it.

It's strange really, because when I look at it, I remember actually one of the physiotherapists saying. And actually the doctor saying, right near the end when I was leaving, saying, had you not wanted to have done, there's potential that you could have just stayed stuck like that forever. Right. And that resonated with me because I, I understand that. I understand that had I have just gone, well, forget it. That's me. I understand that my body would have just forgotten forever. The longer I'd stayed like that, it would have just forgotten forever. And that that was, you know, it was. Had you have not wanted to. And it's the one, right? It's, it's, it's. That's the word in that I wanted to walk again. And that's the only motivation you ever need. And if anything in life, you don't want to do it, you shouldn't be doing it then, right? It's not your, your calling or your soul's purpose. But it doesn't mean stop there. Maybe you want other things. Maybe you, you. You don't want to run a marathon, but you might want to swim. And what, what happens is what people do is they don't have the want to do something, so they don't do anything.

Yeah, right.

And the situation I was in was I had the want to want to walk again. So I tried everything I could, but had I not had that one and I didn't believe I would, or I didn't want to dance again or walk again, then I wouldn't. And, and it sounds so basic, but, Emma, it couldn't be more simple or could it? Had I have not wanted to walk again, then I just wouldn't have. I just wouldn't have. I'd have stayed like that forever.

Yeah, it's so, it's so. It's so simple when you say it like that. I think that even hearing it from you now, as I said, I've heard you speak about this so many times and every time you speak about it, I'm still so in awe. Because, you know, as you said, everyone has hardships that we go through, and I think that there have definitely been times in my life, and I'm sure there's lots of people, people listening to this that have thought, I just want to give up. And just before, just when you're about to give up is when the good stuff's really, really going to happen. So it's so amazing to kind of hear that. And, you know, I always have to remind myself that actually things will get better if I have the right headspace. But if I, if I just accept to give up, I'm not going to get anywhere. So I have to give it a bloody good go. And then if it doesn't work, I can go, okay, I accept defeat, but unless I give it a go, I'm never going to know if I should have just tried.

Yeah, and I think we, we can sometimes be spoiled, right? Is. Yeah, we do go through hardships, of course, and we go through. I say, I call it, you have your minor ones and then you have your major ones and your minor hardships that you go through. You know, they don't necessarily equip you for your major, and you know, it. It's so easy to talk about it and say, oh, I didn't walk, and then I did. But the journey you go through and the pain and the discomfort that you're going through and you know, the mental side of it like we were talking about, what you go through is. It's horrendous when people say to me, oh, you know, I broke my arm. It's nothing like you because you couldn't walk. And I say, no, no, it is. Everybody's, everybody's adversity and hardship is individual to them. Right. And it's how it feels.

Yeah.

And it hurts so much. It hurts when you want something or when you don't want something or when things aren't going to plan or when you really have to fight. But we, we want simple. Sometimes we just want to go, oh, I want this, so therefore I should, I deserve it. And we, we feel like we, we. We've just been accustomed to think that we are deserving of happiness or we're deserving of easy life or we're deserving of things to go away. And that's why we find it hard to push ourselves and work and be resilient. And when you're forced to do it like I was, I had to do that and go through the hardship. Otherwise I wouldn't be where I am today. And that's when you really learn, is when you have no other choice. And to me, I didn't have any other choice but to walk in because I made it my priority to walk again. It was walk or nothing, you know, So I had no choice.

No, absolutely. And I think that as you Said, you know, I think it's very easy to say, you know, I want that, but I don't want to do the work for it. And I'm sure lots of people look at all the amazing things that you're doing and think, oh, she finds marathon running easy. She finds doing SAS easy. But actually, we don't really see the behind the scenes or the struggle.

Absolutely.

That you've had to go through to get there. So, obviously, as I said, you wear so many different hats, but between your jobs and your projects, one of the main things I'm always so in awe about you is just you stay so motivated and organized and, you know, you seem to stay so on top of everything. How do you. How do you do that in order not to burn out? And have you ever been in a stage where you felt, I just need to stop and take some me time? How do you sort of deal with that?

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Well, yes, yes. Yes to all of it. I'll start with the first thing. The first thing is, you know, staying motivated. And. And for me, it's one word. It's anchors. I have anchors. I have my anchors. And whenever I feel like I'm slipping away or I'm. I'm not going where I'm meant to be going, or I feel demotivated, I don't want to do something, I have my anchors. And anchors can be anything. You know what? For me, feeling demotivated means I'm feeling down and I'm feeling a bit depressed, and I'm going actually down that way. And I think, okay, what are my anchors? And I have little things. So one. One is walking my dog Sachet. That's like, you know, I've got my dog walk. That's an anchor. Get. Get him on the lead and get outdoors because he'll get you out. And you never know. A bit of fresh air, you might bump into somebody. You might see something that inspires you. That's an anchor. Working out is an anchor. If I've not moved that day, and it doesn't have to be drastic. Hit crazy workout. It could be movement. It could be dancing around my kitchen. It could be walking to the shop. If being active is another anchor. I asked myself, have you moved today? No. Move and then come back. And my other one is getting into bed at night early, right. Which is. Sounds random, but I go, okay, tonight, get into bed. Get into bed about nine. Just get into bed at nine. Some people listening. How's that? It's late for me. And I think, get into Bed and just be in bed. And they're my free anchors, my main ones. I'd say that. So in a day, if I'm ever slipping, losing motivation or coming off you, I go through my three things. Have you walked Shay? Have you moved and have you rested? Have you got into bed and shut off everything? And if you can't say yes to them as, I don't want to hear it. Almost like I'm. I'm talking to myself. Almost like I'm coaching myself. I literally turn around to Ezra G in the mirror and say, if you ain't done those three things, I'm not bothered. I'm not bothered. Right? And. And then say, scrap them through. Say, that's not worked and I'm still down that slippery slope. I use this thing that I love that I call halt. H A L T halt. Never make a decision if you're hungry, angry, lonely or tired. I love that advice. The decision could be, I'm feeling really rubbish. I'm not gonna do my task that I meant to do or I'm not going to complete that or I'm. I'm not holt. I'm going to cut that off. I'm going to cut that out of my life. I'm going to cut that person hold. Are you hungry, angry, lonely or tired? Nine times out of ten, I'm one of them. Mainly hungry.

Yeah, I can relate. I can relate as.

And it doesn't matter if you are, though. It don't matter if you answer yes to hungry, angry, lonely, tired. But what you do answer is no, I won't make a decision decision. It's not, wait until you're not hungry, not angry, not lonely and not tired. It's more of a. If you answer yes to any of them, then the answer is no, don't make a decision. And that. That's another sort of like reality check I have and. And burning out. And then now we're on level three, right? Stage one is the anchor. Stage two is whole. Hang on a minute. Stage three is right, you've burnt out. You. You it. Right? And my. The way I work is I'm very. I'm very on it and this. And the reason I'm so motivated and on it is because I have my anchors and my tools and things like that. So my body's going sometimes, well, when are you gonna have a breakdown? We're waiting to have a breakdown. And you keep using your anchors like, forget shy, stop working out. Just have a breakdown. And I'm like, okay, right? And then what happens is I'm staying on track. I'm staying motivated. I'm using my anchors and I'm holding and I'm doing this and I'm doing that. Then my brain, Emma, what it does is it feels and feels and feels. And the only way I can describe it is it feels thick. My. My brain is thick and so heavy my head that I cannot absorb anything else. I can't take in a text message anymore or a phone call, a TV show, or a song lyric or a person speaking. I can't let it in. And I go, okay, we've. We've took it too far. And I've been. I've burned out in many different ways. I've burned out with the extreme fatigue and got very, very unwell and got glandular fever. I've burned out in an emotional state where I've not been able to get out of bed and not stop crying. I've burnt out where I feel just thick. I feel like I can't think anymore or talk anymore. I've lost. You know, I've burnt out in so many different ways that each time you learn a bit more, don't you? And look, I'm going to be really honest with you. I ain't sitting in sunshines and rainbows saying if you do all of these steps, you will never burn out. I'm telling you, you have to burn out. Like I was saying, my body is going burn out because we need you to reset. And that's what I look at as a burnout. As when you burn out and you throw. You fall to the ground and you burst into tears and you say, my life, that is called the reset moment. And it is the most important moment of your life. It is one of the most important. Not the successes, not the completions, not the promotions. They're not important. The important is them. Because how I look at it, as you go for a burnout and you go for a bit of pain and you go through a bit of despair and you go for a bit of discomfort in order to callous and come back out of it. And when I have a burnout, I look at it as my body and my mind going, we need to have a little burnout now because you're going to grow. You're going to grow into the next version of you, and it's going to be painful. And if you don't have this, you're going to remain. And I almost imagine if I was being re. You know, if I was growing into a new version of me, My next self. It's going to be painful, right? Imagine, like, imagine you're breaking off your armor and then this new person's coming out. It's going to be painful. It's going to be discomfort. It's going to be discomfort. You're going to feel a bit vulnerable. That's how I look at it, is a burnout to me is, yes, we're having a burnout. We're going to grow. We're going to be better. Because without those burnouts, every time I have one, I learn I have one in January. No, December. Around December. January, recently. A couple of months. It's horrible. And I will be honest and say it was the worst I've felt because every time you have one, they're worse than the 1 4, aren't they? Because you're bigger and you're stronger and you're better and you've got more going on. And it was such a really hard one. And I just remember thinking all the time, oh, God, this is going to be a lovely rebirth then. This is so painful and so horrendous where I don't want to get out of bed and coach it. I was. Emma's coaching myself for an hour to get out of bed, you know. You know those times it's taking me an hour just to get up and everyone's going, oh, you're so motivated. I'm like, yeah, you didn't see the ad for. They put that on me and stuff.

Absolutely.

But one thing I knew for sure in that moment I'll finish it on that. Is that burnout was, like, wicked excellent as. Because we're gonna be even better. We're gonna be better after this.

So, yeah, no, I love. I love you talking so honestly about the burnout, because I think that often when we think of burnout, we think of it as the end.

We think failure.

Yes, absolutely. And I often feel that a burnout means I'm not capable of doing things. But actually, exactly as you said, is after that burnout comes the really, really good stuff. And you realize, actually, I can get through that. And I'm going to be stronger and better, obviously, you know, just to kind of make it a little bit more current. We are in the third lockdown in the uk. I know that so many people are struggling. You know, I've definitely found it hard adapting to, you know, not leaving my house and being at home and not being able to see friends and family. We spoke a lot about motivation, and I think that's something that, you know, myself Included, I'm definitely lacking. What would be your one piece of advice? I know you said about kind of the different stages that you go through, but what would be your one piece of advice to our listeners to. To help them get through the rest of this lockdown and just sort of stay motivated and be kinder to themselves?

Yeah, absolutely. My. My. My favorite mantra I live by every single day is, you can lay it, ruin your lunch, but don't let it ruin your dinner. Right? And what my point about that is, is I'm fed up with people saying, be positive. Be positive. Be grateful for what you do have. When you're feeling back down, be grateful. You know, we've been in lockdown and people go, yeah, but just be grateful that you still have a job or you still have it. You think? No. Off. I just want to be in a mood. Just let me be in a mood. I know that I've got food and shelter and things like that, which I am forever grateful for every single day. I wake up every morning saying thank you to the world, but I ain't talking about that. I'm talking that right now, I'm in a mood. And that's where I say, let ruin your lunch. Don't let ruin your dinner. Have a moan, get pissed off, slag it off. Call a mate and slag it off. Write on a piece of paper, slag it off. Whatever you do, just get it out. Cry in the shower, scream about it, Feel victimized. Literally. Write a list of how victimized you are by the world. Poor me, poor me. Lift. And then screw it up. You've ruined your lunch with that bit. Now it's dinner time. Let's have a laugh. Let's have some fun. Let's look at the positives. So I think my advice is don't be positive all the time. That's not positive. Oh, happy, happy, happy. Pretend it's not there. No, it's bloody there. Get annoyed about it, chuck it out, and then move on and have a lovely dinner.

Thank you so much. Thank you so much for being the first guest on the podcast.

Honestly, so excited for you.

I couldn't have chosen a better person to be the first person, Honestly, like, just even listening to you and talking to you, just like I'm smiling the whole way through. So, honestly, thank you so much. And I'm so, so excited to see all the amazing things that you're going to do this year and the year after. So if you want to see a little bit more about what Esme's doing, head over to her Instagram to see how you can work with her to see what she's up to. Her Instagram handle is and you can see all the amazing things that she is up to. Thank you so much for listening and have a wonderful week. We hope you enjoyed this week's podcast. Please leave us a review. If you did, head over to our Instagram page, alliswellnesspodcast and let us know what you think. We look forward to welcoming you next week for more open and honest conversations.