109. Mastering the Pause: How Meditation Unlocks Better Choices

If you're in the ocean and you've got big, huge waves of turbulence, you can either fight those waves, which is exhausting, or you can learn to move with the waves, which takes less energy and might take a little more thought.

Are you a woman in medicine feeling overwhelmed and disconnected from the personal fulfillment that you desire? You're in the right place. Join doctors Joanne and Erin as they rewrite the rules for women in medicine. Let's begin.

In our last episode, we talked about the power of choice. It was a pretty powerful episode. So if you haven't listened to it, it's episode 108. So go back and listen to it. And we wanted to really expand on that concept. That sounds simple, but it can have such a ripple effect and very impactful in our lives. And I wanted to ask you, Erin, my super co host, tell me about that power of the pulse and finding your agency, and talk to us about it from your perspective.

I wanted to use an example of a choice that I made back in 2018. I was looking at my Calm app this morning and I heard from one of Joanne and my coaches and mentors, Brendan Burchard, and he was talking about bringing your A game. And he basically said, if you don't do these things, you are not bringing your A game. And he challenged my way of thinking. He talked about needing to sleep, get good quality 7 to 9 hours of sleep a night. And at that time, I was on either on call or had young kids anyway. It was. It didn't seem like, like that would be possible. The power of exercise, the power of meditation. And I finally decided I would invest in the Calm app, meditation app, and put it on my phone and would tend to do an A meditation that was about 12 to 14 minutes a day. And not only did I make that change, then with time, I started seeing what impact it was having on my life. And what I found is this pattern that if I was having a really bumpy month and going, man, where did the calm Aaron go? I would look at my Calm app and I would see that instead of having maybe 20 or more meditations, that prior month, I'd only had 10 or fewer. And so this was a pattern that arose. And I was like, ooh, I better make sure I don't let that new habit go. And what I found was that this small 12 minute, and then after the pandemic, I decided to kind of double down. And now oftentimes I'll do two meditations that add up to about 20 minutes a day. And that's How I start my morning is by doing that regularly, very small investment, even 20 minutes a day. I have erased countless arguments countless times where I would flip into that reactive mode. And Joanne did a great job explaining how when we can stay in our executive functioning brain by having the power of the pause, my meditations allow me to exercise that agency of the pause so much more frequently. Because our brain wants to go on autopilot, go to that, you know, rat, primitive brain in the back of our heads. And instead, when we can pause and stay in our executive functioning, we are so much better at solving problems. And so that tiny investment that I've made, I was looking at my numbers and, and I have had 2,000. Most of these are my sessions. I've. I've let my. My sons borrow my phone and do meditations themselves. But 2,252 sessions as of this morning, including two sessions that I did today. 379 hours of meditation since the year 2018. And so these are just like little pennies in the bank that are adding up over the years and eventually make it to a million dollars.

Right?

I didn't get here overnight. And yet those tiny little investments, I completely changed the way I maneuver through different bumps in the road than I did before I started this habit. And what I love about it is it not only keeps me calm in the moment, but then there's that cumulative effect over the weeks and years that I've been doing meditation that allows me to dive into that rich bank of meditations in order to get me through some challenging times.

Hmm. So good. And my brain is spinning here because you mentioned so many important things that we've highlighted in our show of. First of all, again, the power of the choice of making these small decisions that can create a great ripple effect. Second, of course, that your example is such an important thing, Meditation. We know how. How important and powerful it can be. And I don't know if you hear this when you recommend meditation to your clients or your patients that people say, oh, I cannot meditate, like, my brain won't shut up. And like, no, that's no one even like Buddhist monks that their brains don't shut up. It's more of the power of it no matter what. So, of course, meditation as a beautiful example of things that we can do with a very small investment of time. And then the third thing that I wanted to point out is that you have facts. I love that you have the literal number that the app gives you, and that's just through the app, without Counting the times that you can meditate without the app, because we learn how to really get to that point of like that meditation state, even when we're not listening to one. So I'm sure you, you can do that as well. And how neat. Because our brain, especially for those of us who are very high functioning, sometimes our brain tells us, oh, you're not doing enough. Or like, well, it's not that important. And then it can be like, no, I have literal proof of how many hours I've spent and I can feel the effect in my life. And how neat that you could say, I'm not feeling as great. And then you could go back and then say, hmm, I wonder if, if I had had done more meditations as those other weeks when I felt better and I had more hours. Because you had the facts right, like, you don't let your brain fool you. So how neat. Thank you for that. And so Erin and I talk a lot and like, we're always trying to come up with what are the best ideas that we can share with you all. And, and, but then we also talk about how's life because we're friends and we love each other. And as we were talking about these topics, Erin was telling me about this recent event and I said that would be like a great thing to share here as an example of all of this that we're talking about. So Erin, I would love for you to share what has happened in the last week and how that relates to what we're talking here.

Well, one of the reasons we're recording on a Sunday instead of a Friday is because I had to cancel Joanne and I's previously scheduled Friday session because of travel plans that went awry. So this past week I traveled to California to see one of my clients perform this in this event called Medicine Story. And then the next day I shadowed at her work and did a consultation for her medical office. And everything went smooth sailing, getting down there. And then on the way home, my flight, my connecting flight was oversold, as was the next flight, and all of the flights going from San Francisco to Portland. And meanwhile, the next morning, I had a 7:15 coaching call. Joanne and I were supposed to record our podcast from 9 in the morning until 11. And then I had another coaching call that afternoon, very busy day. And I'm like, okay, take the pause and breathe. And instead of getting frustrated, I started problem solving. Why was I able to do that and not go to again? Anger, frustration, whatever it was, I was able to just go and keep my executive functioning brain and said, okay, what are my options? So I stood by for one more flight and then asked and all the rest of the flights were over, oversold. So I was like, okay, this is not likely that I'm going to be able to do this. What other flights are there? No other flights out of San Francisco. Okay, what other nearby airports are there? San Jose, Oakland. There was one flight on Southwest leaving Oakland at 9:15. So my original flight was supposed to land in Portland at I think like 2:30 in the afternoon. Great. And I was supposed to go to a graduation that evening. That wasn't going to happen. So this flight was leaving at 9:15 at a different airport. So I get my luggage or my, you know, my carry on luggage, get on public transportation takes about an hour to get to the other airport, no problem, get there with plenty of time. Well then the 9:15 is delayed. We don't take off until 11:30 at night, which means I land at 11 o' clock in the morning, don't get home till 3. And my checked luggage made it to Portland before me, but the office was closed at 1 in the morning. So my luggage is still in Portland. I have to go pick it up today. And you might think, man, what? That stinks all, you know, like, why me? This was so terrible. And I was like, it's fine. I took agency. I texted Joanne, hey, can we move our Friday session? I chose that no matter what time I got home, I was going to be there for my 7:15am client and I didn't need to move my afternoon client. So then I just made the choices that made the most sense, using my executive functioning because I never flipped into my primitive functioning brain. I stayed fully functioning the entire time and, you know, rested on the plane when I could and just made the best of it. And when I was working with my first coach, she talked about, you know, if you're in the ocean and you've got big huge waves of turbulence, you can either fight those waves, which is exhausting and might put you under, or you can learn to move with the waves, which takes less energy and might take a little more thought. But when you can learn to move with those waves, those turbulent waves of life, life just gets easier. And so I just realized this is the way it is. Getting angry or frustrated wasn't going to help. I made the choices. What levers can I pull to make my day as easy as possible? And so after my morning, my Friday morning coaching call, I took a nap so that for my afternoon call I would be Better. And then I rested again later than in that day and then got back to fully functioning as quickly as possible and gave myself some grace. And it's like it was fine. And I can look back on this trip not. Oh, my gosh, it ended in a catastrophe. I am celebrating my client who did such an amazing job. I'm celebrating being able to meet with her team and helping her run her office, maybe even that much better, and that I wouldn't change it for anything. It was such a worthwhile trip and I can celebrate all of those wins instead of focusing on the small percentage of the tail end of the trip.

Wow. I'm like, here thinking this is such a beautiful formula, right? Of pausing, zooming out so you can look at the big picture, making the best decisions, listening to what you really need. And again, it's the decision. It's what we were talking about in the last episode of. We might not be able to choose the circumstances, right? Like, the flights were canceled, the flights were delayed. Why spend mental emotional energy getting mad at that? It is a human thing to react, right? It's not like we're going to knock down, of course we're going to be, like, frustrated, you know, maybe even a little bit upset, angry. Like, say, like, oh, no, what's going to happen? That's all very appropriate. And then that pause where we choose, I can stay there just cycling those negative emotions, or I can decide what's a different way that I can look at this situation and then from that calmer place, then we can make those better decisions. That's perfect life formula right there, there with that example, I had a very similar experience recently where I had. I was taking an international flight and it was delayed three hours. So there was. I had, like, this very slim opportunity of making my connecting flight, and I literally ran through customs and security again and literally sprinted to the gate and they had just, literally just left. I almost made it, but I didn't. And then I was like, okay, yeah, was not meant to be on that plane today. And then very similar to what you're saying of I was a little bit upset and I was worried about exactly what you said of everything that I had scheduled that now I had to reschedule. And then saying, okay, I can stay upset or I can just be with it. I don't have to be happy, excited about it, right? Like, we're not saying go to the extreme opposite emotion and be excited that you missed your flight or. But we don't have to stay upset and calm. And I And it was interesting to have this work and be able to observe how other people were in that same situation and be. It almost felt like a spectator, like. And of course, with a lot of compassion. Because, you know, it's not easy, especially if you're traveling with your family. Right. Like, it's. I was by myself, so it's a little bit easier to reschedule everything, but then. And then being so grateful for this work because like you said, it's not like overnight, it's we snap our fingers and just feel better. We can then say, okay, these things that I've learned along the way as a psychiatrist and as a coach and listening to you, all that then I can then now say, wow, I'm very grateful that I can give myself permission to feel what I need to feel and then still make that decision and that pause to move forward. So how cool to hear you talk about all of this with such grace. That's really neat. Great example for us to hear and to expand in this topic. Erin, why do you believe this is so important for us, especially for women in medicine?

Women in medicine have so many demands on their plate for most of them, not just in their complicated careers, but. But also at home, because the research says they're doing more with, if they have children, more with the childcare duties and also with the household duties. And so we have limited capacity. And so if you can think of the difference, if you have a little fire breakout, we can either add fuel to the fire, get angry, not engage our executive functioning brain, or we can get the fire extinguisher out and put the fire out. And how much more damage is going to be done if instead of putting the fire out, we add fuel to it? And so when I was dealing with missing that flight, there was another couple who missed the flight. And the woman was distraught. She was crying and tearful. So now the. Her partner, whoever was traveling with her, he was there consoling her, trying to make her feel better. Like he was putting all of this time and effort into trying to help her recover over missing this flight, flight. And I was meanwhile already searching what are my options. And so it just really kind of highlighted same circumstances. We, we all missed the flight. And again, I tried to put that fire out as quickly as possible. And, you know, her response was to take even more energy and put it into that fire. And now she. They've got two of them trying to deal with it instead of kind of saying, okay, what can I do next? And so if you think about how complicated Your life is. Can you afford to waste time? How much time can you afford to waste? And how more, how much more quickly can you right the ship? How much more quickly can you get back on course instead of wasted time? And one of the biggest examples I have of this, one of the second time I realized that when I only meditated 10 times or less a month, it gets me into not great situations. I was ready to, you know, divorce my husband. I was so frustrated. We had so much going on. We had purchased some property and we were having to flip a rental property and the timeline was all messed up and there was just friction everywhere. And I was like, this is not. I was not happy. I was upset, angry, shorter fuse. And again, that was the second time I looked at my. Com app and I went, oh, maybe this isn't all my husband's fault, my family's fault for not pitching in. How am I choosing to show up differently when I haven't fully meditated, put in, putting the reps in? And I thought, like, how much time did I waste arguing with my family over getting this rental property ready versus had I shown up a better version of myself and been able to maneuver through these more complicated conversations, that was me. I know I could have done a better job. So then I'm learning from that in order not to repeat that mistake. And I know that those, you know, however many hours, hundreds of hours that I put in meditating, the return on that investment of time is probably multiple exponential times greater than that in the time I've saved by not having an argument, by finding other ways to problem solve. So to me, the return on investment is so big that I don't imagine not meditating for the rest of my life because it's such a powerful tool to save me time and energy.

This is so, so important. And I love the all the important things that we talked about today in terms of the pause and the reminder of the power that we have of choice and decisions and then those patterns that where we can recognize. And as we talked in the last episode of where are we feeling stuck? Where were things not feeling great? And then saying, is there something that I can do here in your decision some years ago of saying, let me try this thing called meditation and living the benefits of it right now, and we talk also about that this is not just something that will feel better, but this is physiology as well. It's brain activity. Knowing when we're not well, our brain doesn't function as well. That's why when we're nervous we can't remember the pin to our phone, something that we do so automatically. And it's also why sometimes we can help someone else in the same situation and give them great advice, because we're not emotionally invested in it. We can be calm. And sometimes we have to remind ourselves, okay, how can I find that pause to really check in and give myself what I need? And I love, love, love the analogy of turbulence, because how often does our life feel like that? I used a similar analogy, too. Even with my patients that I said, we write like I tell my patients when they're. Especially when they're feeling better. Like I say, to have compassion. Like, you're. There's waves still in your life, but you're riding them. Sometimes there'll be big and they'll make you fall. And then we get back on the wave again and rewrite it versus just trying to fight it. That. That's a very, very good, good visual. And then your. Your life formula that I love, the having the choice, asking for help or, like, levers that you can take, take an inventory for what you need, always with grace and compassion. And then also the other thing that I heard in your example was the importance of really checking in so that we can rest and recover and recharge. Right? Because we don't. We don't do that enough and that you can see how much better you can show up for yourself and those around you. And then celebrating. We need to talk more about celebration. So I love, again, all this and, like, how you mentioned the cost when we don't. Right? Like, that's the other big insight here of the things, right? Like, we cannot afford to wait any longer. So, Erin, give us, like, a little extra nugget here that we can take.

With us as physicians. I think we often overcomplicate things, and we don't need to do that. So another example specific to meditation, I stayed with my brother while I was down in California, and he was talking about, he can be kind of edgy when he's at work or edgy in circumstances. And so I shared with him this example about how meditation had helped me. He actually has the Calm app on his phone. And so I chose in the moment to say, hey, this is what. You know, I was role modeling. This is how meditation has helped me take the edge off and be less grouchy and irritable. I wonder what might happen. And so he says, well, you know, I. If the person's voice, I don't even know how to do it. And so we both got our phones out and I pulled up the. Com app and I said, okay, here's the two I listen to. What do you think of this voice? Nope, nope, that doesn't work. Okay, what do you think about this voice? Yep, that one will work. I said, okay, this is one of them I listen to every day. Just give it a try. 12 to 14 minutes. So I'm going to have to follow up with him and say, hey, what do you think? And again, can we take one small choice and or help somebody? My goal was I wanted to lower the bar and make it easier for my brother because I'd already solved that problem problem. And I thought if I help him take the edge off of his irritability, how's that going to affect not only his work but his relationship with my amazing sister in law and how might that change the trajectory by that one small change? So my hope is, is encouraging him over the next few weeks, hey, hold him a little bit accountable and see if he has similar results as I did.

Love, love, love that. And talking about choice. If you liked this episode, if you're learning, please share with someone else in your life that you believe can benefit from all this content that we're creating for you all. This is how we get in front of more people and expand our mission. And with that, stay tuned because our next episode is coming right up.

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