118. How to Talk to Kids About Difficult News Without Creating Fear

It's not about having the perfect words. It's about being present, being human, and letting them know that they are loved and that they are not alone, that they are safe. And that's where actually our presence becomes the best medicine.

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In this episode, I will be interviewing my co host, Dr. Joanne Sotelo. You may not be aware she lives in Central Texas. And at the time of this recording, there have been devastating floods in Central Texas, devastating Camp Mystic. And Joanne has been interviewed several times about this topic over the last week for different news outlets. And we thought it would be a good topic for a listener to have some information about how we can share information about this with our families and how we can process when tragedy strikes. Because as Joanne and I were talking before we started recording, we've talked about hard issues several times over the last year that we've had this podcast. And so it's never. I don't think you can ever have enough information on being prepared for hard times. Joanne, thank you so much for being willing to talk about this tough subject today. And I would like to hear from you. How is this tragedy affecting Central Texas?

Thank you, Erin. We are usually very excited and high energy when we're recording podcasts, and this one comes with a different tone, but like you said, so important. And Texas is grieving right now, and for the families who lost their children in the flooding in the Camp mystic, which is what we've been seeing a lot in the news, it's, of course, a grief that's unimaginable. I cannot even imagine. And my heart goes out to them. But a lot of people were affected with the floods. Many people lost their homes and their businesses, and many other people passed away. So it's definitely huge tragedy. And the emotional weight is heavy. We can't ignore the ripple effect of trauma because it. It also reminds us of how quickly life can change. And we're also trying to make sense of something that's just horrible and devastating. The other thing that I've seen is this incredible spirit of support even in the middle of the grief. There's also this wave of togetherness and connection, and I believe that's where the healing starts. So that part has been very moving as well. And hopefully the efforts continue. As we know, there's a lot of movement right after trauma, and then it kind of evens out. So we're hoping to create more awareness to keep the help going. Wow.

And one of the most vulnerable populations to being exposed to this trauma or our other children, not only because there were children as victims in this flooding, but also because of their developing brains. And I would love to hear from you. How do we talk to kids about tragic events like this?

Yes, Erin, as. As you well know, as. As a pediatrician and a psychiatrist, we're definitely resources of expertise in this area. And when we talk to children about tragic events, the most important thing is to start with simplicity and honesty, but then also tailored to their developmental age. As we know kids who are younger than 9 or 10 years old, regardless of how smart they are, their brain is still in the developmental stage where they have a really hard time with abstract concepts. So we have to talk with them more concretely, kind of black and white, so we can say things like, there was a horrible accident and some children were. Got very hurt and didn't survive. It's to the point and clear. For older children, we can have more details. And of course, for teenagers, we can also assume that they're seeing a lot of it. So it's more asking them what have they heard and then checking into how they are feeling, not just what they're thinking. When talking to children, the three most important things is to validate their emotions, reassure their safety, and then keep the conversations open, let them know that they can ask questions. And sometimes it takes them a while. I love saying, in times like this, it's not about having the perfect words. It's about being present, being human, and letting them know that they are loved and that they are not alone, that they are safe. And that's where actually our presence becomes the best medicine.

That's so powerful. Joanne and I imagine many of our listeners are busy physicians, busy professionals. And in the busyness of life, sometimes we're not slowing down to just open up space and capacity so that our kids or our teenagers might be able to check in with us or even our spouses. And so just a reminder, don't forget to slow down and even, you know, checking in with how you're doing, but opening up some space for thoughtful checking in and deepening conversations that can be hard around the busyness. I'm also wondering, what sign should parents be watching for in case their child is struggling?

And this is a great question because this is a good information to have because this weekend, generalize this to other things, not just as response to trauma or tragic events. Because as you know, as a pediatrician, you can talk about this way better than I can. It's not, we don't see anxiety and depression as we see in adults. We will see changes in mood, but it's usually more irritability or it's. They, they might seem restless. We also see changes in behaviors like they might be acting out, withdrawn, or actually kind of more of what we would say regression. So things that they had furthered in their development kind of going a little backwards, like they might get clingy or they might even do some bedwetting or behave as if they were younger. We also see some other more common symptoms like changes in sleep or appetite. They might seem more distracted, they might be having nightmares, difficulties with, with their nighttime routine. And we, this is also important to, to recognize that frequently when we see changes in moods, especially in kids, they'll show up as physical symptoms as well. They must start complaining about stomach upset or headaches or kind of just overall not feeling well. I, I like to mention too that this is not uncommon to have some kind of mood behavioral change if something happens, but if it persists for more than a couple of weeks or it starts to get worse, or if it interferes with their day to day their functioning, that is a good time to check in with your pediatrician or even contact a therapist or, or a psychiatrist.

I love that. Joanne, one other piece that I think is important. I love that I'm seeing different parenting recommendations out there about more, a more gentle parenting where we're meeting the kids where they're at instead of firm lines of discipline. And Joanne and I both have a very strong trauma lens and I think trauma informed parenting is so key, especially during these times. And that may mean we need to let up a little bit on things, you know, not be so hard on our kids if they're struggling even to do their chores. As Joanne was saying, sometimes they can have regression or they just, just may not have it in them to follow through. Or if they're distracted, maybe you're having to tell them six times instead of three. So I would encourage you to really consider that soft aspect of parenting, to provide loving support and meeting them where they're at to make sure that they are feeling supported, not just criticized if they're not being able to meet expectations. Talking about exposure to trauma and with our ability to know what's going on around the world within moments of when it happens, and being exposed not just to the trauma that we can experience in our own lives in real time, we have historical trauma and real trauma from around the world. So Joanne, I wonder what's your advice to on media exposure when there's so much of it around these tragic events?

Again, great question to have about so many things. For very young kids, I think the default is limit exposure as much as you can and with the reminder that they are exposed to quite a bit already at the school, their camps, or even listening to our adults conversations which can already be overwhelming and scary. So make sure to have an awareness of what they've known. Now, for older kids, unfortunately, we can't really control all that they are exposed to. So they have. We have to make the assumption that they know that they've seen a lot, that it's in their phones, that those are conversations that they're having with their friends and just approach them and ask them what have you heard? What are some of your thoughts or worries about it in those. I have older kids, I mean 21 and almost 17, so obviously they're not kids anymore. But that was a conversation I had especially with my younger son and he's actually a camp leader right now with church. And it was so neat to hear him. Not neat, that might not be the best word, but it was interesting to hear him talk about it and then also hear him talk about it with his conversation with some of the younger kids that he's leading for in this camps and listening to his perspective of how scary it is for a lot of kids. And you're scared because you might know someone who's a lot of the families have around me either know someone or they were affected personally. Again, this is something that Central Texas is feeling quite heavily. But it's again, we can't minimize what they're going through and it's important for us to just hear what they're saying and yes, let them know that it might not be good for them to keep on looking at it. And this is something another piece of information that's important for all of us, not just for kids, but when we have ongoing repeated exposure to something that's traumatic, especially when it's visual, it can re traumatize our brain. It's almost like we're experiencing the emotions over and over and that can deepen the anxiety. So we should all be careful. And. And again, this is true for all these horrible things that are unfortunately happening in the world that we are exposed to.

And I think knowing what kind of person we are, what kind of kids we have, I know for myself I'm very visual and I remember I Don't watch that much news these days, but I have some visions from this current tragedy. And I remember when the 911 tragedy happened, just over and over, watching the buildings fall. And I can still picture those in my mind as if that just happened. And that was so long ago. So remembering, you know, once you see it, you can't unsee it. And just being sensitive to how your own kids and how yourself, how you process things and making sure you're taking that into account as you filter what's coming in. And I wonder too, Joanne, why is it important to acknowledge grief, especially for kids?

Grief is such an important topic to have in mind and talk about. And I, when I think of grief, I think of grief as a platter of emotions that can have a full range and back to back one with the other. And there's not necessarily, you know, stages that you check off and then, then you move on. It's not linear and it's not doesn't always look like sadness, especially for kids. So again, they might just be a little bit more readable, act out and it might not come out at all initially. They might have time to process, it might come out later. So it's, it's something that we need to be aware of. And then as parents and caregivers, we need to model emotional expression. It's okay for our kids to see us sad, to see us cry, and we just need to reassure them. But this is why we need to normalize these conversations and like I always like to say, make mental health support accessible or like we can bring this back also to the importance of the mental health overall and grief is included. And then the other thing I want to say that we, Erin and I talk so much about in this podcast, which is so important to us, we heal in community. So we need to show up, we need to be present and especially let kids know that they are not alone.

I love that you've shared so many powerful things to remember about what happens when tragedy strikes, just about the emotional heaviness of it, about how we can talk to kids and validate what's going on for them. Things that parents can look for when grief and mood changes don't always look typical like they do in adults, about limiting exposure and opening up time for conversations, and then the powerful importance of taking care of our mental health, including addressing our grief. And I wonder, Joanne, is there any additional nugget of wisdom you would like to share with our listener on this topic of dealing with tragedy?

I want to take the opportunity to say thank you for all the outreach and all the help that this community is receiving from all over. And a lot of people ask what else can they do? And there's plenty of ways to help. But I also want to say I believe in the energy that we put out in the universe. And if we show up as better people, more loving, give someone, especially our kids, extra hugs and love. That's the best way to show up and bring more love and kindness to this world.

Love is almost always the right answer. I love that. Thank you so much, Joanne, for your wisdom. So powerful. And with that, if you have appreciated any of our podcast episodes, if you would think someone else you know or that you don't know might find it beneficial if you haven't yet given us a rating and review, if you can take a pause and do that now, it helps get our podcast in front of more physicians, in front of more individuals who could use the information we share. And with that, we would love for you to stay tuned because our next interview with Kim Downey is coming right up.

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