123. From Survival Mode To Prepared: Coaching Tools That Work

Learn to have grace for ourselves and acknowledge what circumstances have I gone through. You can't stop the calamity, but you can stop the downward spiral. And that starts with having grace for yourself in order to better have grace for what's going on in those around you.

Are you a woman in medicine feeling overwhelmed and disconnected from the personal fulfillment that you desire? You're in the right place. Join doctors Joanne and Erin as they rewrite the rules for women in medicine. Let's begin.

I am joined by my Super Co host, Dr. Erin Hurley. And we will be talking about something that's very near and dear to our hearts, coaching. And Erin and I were constantly learning and talking about what are the things that we want to bring to you, all that we will help in this transitions in our growth in our day to day and as professionally as individuals, with our family. And of course we talk a lot about coaching and we were having this conversation of coaching as a important tool, but yet there is still a lot of resistance to it. And as a psychiatrist I talk a lot about the stigma around mental health and sometimes it feels like there's almost a little bit of that in coaching, even in our world of medicine. And the contrast of when I think of other entrepreneurs and people in business who have had coaching as part of their training and as part of their growth and how they can see coaching as a way to level up, as an advantage, as another tool. But yet somehow in medicine, and I can see it, we see coaching as something as if we had to wait until there's something wrong or we're struggling or we're burning out or someone told us that we needed it and that's important for us to recognize. But we wanted to talk about it in terms of a tool to really have available to you to prepare. And Erin was recently at a conference and she shared this statement and I'm going to read it. It says said you can't stop calamity, but you can stop the downward spiral. And it was so powerful. And I and we were thinking this is perfect to talk about how we can prepare ahead of time and how when we have tools we go through life differently and how coaching can help. Anyway, so that's a big, a long introduction. Erin, tell me more about that statement. Statement and let's start there.

Well, as Joanne shared, I recently went to a two day business conference and that statement about you can't stop the calamity. We Joanne and I work with really complex individuals, mostly women in medicine, lots of physicians. And as you know, there's so many changes going on in medicine right now. And then you add on what's going on in your home life, what's going on in your community with natural disasters and all kinds of things. And when you think about the things that are out of your control, do we have to wait until an emergency shows up or can we be prepared for, I don't know when it's going to show up on my doorstep. What if I do the preparation now? Because you know that there's going to be things coming up, bumps in the road for you. And if you can expect that's just part of life, how can I be best prepared instead of being taken completely off guard? And for myself, having worked with a coach now since 2017, so was that like eight years? I recognize when that calamity has struck my life now. Having that coaching, having those skill sets and those habits I've developed have made me so much better prepared that my life didn't fall apart. I was on a strong, strong foundation and, and that allowed me to continue moving forward even when things got really rough. And I'll share, I've mentioned this a few times on the podcast. In 2020, I hit one of my highest highs. It's actually when I met Joanne in person for the first time. I'd been following this personal growth and development leader, Brendan Burchard, since 2017, and there were very few people in medicine. And when I went to this in person mastermind, this collection of about 200 people, that was the first time I found about 18 of us that were for medicine. And Joanne Sotello was one of those individuals. And not only did we go to the trainings together, but we would go to dinner together and forged these connections. And I was so excited that I saw this momentum building of physicians starting to embrace personal growth and development of meeting together outside of medicine and learning from those outside of medicine to develop even stronger those skills we needed to practice medicine. So that was in January of 2020. In February of 2020, Brendon Burchard put on a bigger went from 200 people in his mastermind to a big group of about 2,000 of us at this big conference. And Joanne and Most of those 18 other healthcare providers were at this conference as well. And then after that, it was the beginning of March of 2020, and I led my first retreat for women in medicine on the beautiful Oregon coast. And it was such a success. And I was on this high, these three big events all in a row. And as I shared, the year was 2020. So things start happening, right? We're getting ready for the world to shut down, which we didn't know what was going to happen. And six days after my retreat, I find out my stepdad has terminal cancer, metastatic. He passes 16 days later. And five weeks after the passing of my stepdad, my mom dies of her progression through Alzheimer's, not related to Covid. And I think had I not started at such an elevated position before these events happen and then the world shutting down and all of the other events that happened not just in my life but around the world, I wonder what state would I have been had I not had so much support, had so much energy, and started at such a high point in my life before everything came crashing down? I think I would have had a completely different outcome.

Yes, Erin, I'm here in connection with you emotionally. What a difficult time. Thank you for sharing that. And I vividly remember meeting you as well, and then remember talking to you years later and having actually a conversation at an airport. I'm having a flashback about it and you talking about how difficult it was and yet how you were able to tap into those resources and those tools.

Right.

It's like recharging our batteries, even when we're not out of batteries, but just in case. And then things happen and we need it and we didn't know that we would need it. And then we're so grateful. And in the power of coaching, you shared so many times how incredibly helpful it's been throughout your life, how you started showing up differently as a mother and of course, as a professional and as a spouse. And now then deciding these are tools that we all need. How can I spread the goodness? And how you then started your work as a coach and how you're helping so many other women in medicine now. It's so powerful. And talking about that, why is it particularly important for women in medicine to have this concept of let's prepare for it, let's have tools ahead of time?

Our lives are so complicated. As a woman in medicine, we think about the roles we take with patient care. Many of us, many of the women I coach are leaders in medicine or they own their own practices. So they're taking care of not only their patients, but their staff and leading their staff as role models. And then at home, the women still take care of more of the household and childcare duties. So many roles, so many hats. And if we are constantly performing from depletion and survival mode, we are not functioning at our best. And I think of the power that I gained not only from working with a one on one coach, but working in a group program with Brendon Burchard, who has coached Oprah Winfrey's team, who has coached presidents, who's coached Olympic athletes. And he's coached me and he's coached Joanne. And I think the caliber of education that I've chosen, just like going to a top medical school or going to a top residency, Joanne and I have sought out top world class training so we can be prepared for calamity. And that was Brendan Burchard's statement. You can't stop the calamity, but you can stop the downward spiral. And by working with a coach or several coaches, it helped me become a better decision maker. And think about all the decisions you make as a healthcare provider, whether it's this patient needs me to make a decision to help them stay alive, to help benefit their health and for your own family, as probably a leader in your family. And I think about a key decision that I was able to get to because of my coaching. And this was after my stepdad had already passed. I had just returned to work and my sister calls and she says, hospice called. They said, mom's in her last stages of Alzheimer's. She might last two days, she might last two weeks. I'm moving to her, to my house, and if you want to come, now's the time. And I was working from home that day again. I had just returned. I was onboarding a new physician and I was like, I am not. I've given up so many events in my life. My step grandmother's 90th birthday celebration and her 95th birthday celebration. And I made her wait till she was a hundred before I went to her birthday celebration. And I was like, I'm not going to miss this. So I gathered my kids, I said, hey, here's the deal. I'm planning on flying to see Grandma. If you want to come, let's go. I called my husband, I need you to come home. And packed in about 30 minutes as I'm calling my boss and saying, hey, I know I just returned after the passing of my stepdad. I'm going to be there for my mom. And so all of this is in motion. And now I got to find a flight for me and my two kids who were going to come. And I looked at the flights and I was like, ah, I don't think we can get out until tomorrow morning. And my daughter, who I think was in, in junior junior high school at the time, she's like, mom, you need to find us a flight today. I was like, okay, let me look one more time. We found the last flight of the day to get us in at, say, 11 o' clock at night. And this is during COVID when, you know, things are. The world is shutting down, the airports are bare, there's not restaurants open. Like, things have changed. And yet I listened to my daughter, I listened to my heart saying, you need to be there for your mom. Called my husband, you need to come home so you can stay with our youngest who is going to stay behind. And I found that flight for the three of us and we literally had about 30 minutes to get out the door because the flight was leaving in about an hour and a half and we live an hour from the airport. So we grabbed, threw stuff in our bags, we raced out the door. We made it happen. And because I was so good at making quick decisions and listening to other members on my team, like my daughter, we got to the airport just in time to catch that flight. We made it to my sister's house, and my mom only made it for 36 more hours after we arrived. And yet, because we had made it there, when we did the one lucid time my mom had in her last day, we were there for it. I got to make eye contact with my mom. I got to have some silliness and help her smile and engage and have some lightness on her last day on earth and witness the power of the hospice team. The hospice nurse's name was angel, who came to help us figure out how to support my mom. I didn't know how long she had, but that was her final day. And I think had I not had that skillset that I had honed in from working with a coach at that time for three years, from listening to Brendon Burchard and growing myself for three years, for building the relationships with my husband to be able to say, I need you to come home right now. I'm leaving. And we literally passed each other on the street as I'm headed to the airport and he's headed home. All of those things made it. So I was there to support my sister and my nieces and nephew and my own kids and my mom in her final day. And it made this event that could have been so stressful, so heart wrenching and painful. And it was, and yet also beautiful because we made the decisions that were in the best interests of ourselves and each other. And out of love and out of caring, not out of being frantic, I was able to engage my frontal lobe and, and make really good decisions and not be in panic mode because I was so prepared, even though calamity had been happening to me and my family for the past five weeks or six weeks with my stepdad's passing.

And what I'm hearing you say too, that kind of overlaps with what I hear a lot from other women physicians is that we're so programmed to put work first and, and have that stress and all the things and how quickly we tell ourselves, no, I cannot do that because I have patience. I cannot do that because there's no one covering. I cannot do that because that's going to burden a partner. And doing the work ahead of time and feeling life more balanced and of course our work is always going to be important. But then saying what do I need? What does my family need? And not that we do this all the time, but when it. It's important, I can put work aside, I can ask for help and I can do what I need to do for myself and for my family with the trick. And I'm going to add this without guilt, right? We cannot beat ourselves up with guilt because that inner critic can get very loud and then to be able to years later share it with us with Rylan. And I can feel you with some so much emotion and yet gratitude as well that you were able to have those moments. We can't get that back. When we think of our values and what's important and making decisions around that. But that's work that we have to do ahead of time to have the awareness that's like what we talked here before. I help a lot of my coaching clients with this of we have to do the pre work to do the work. We need to have the awareness of our values, our priorities. We what's important in this season of our lives because sometimes we're. We do the work, but we're running with kind of like an old programming or per. Or worse programming given to us by someone else. And that you had been able to do some of that work already to then say wait a minute, no, this is time for a pause, zoom out, look at the bigger picture and then say this is where I'm needed right now. This is what's important to me. And then the aftermath, of course, of my goodness. I can only imagine losing parents back to back important people in your life in the time of COVID when we don't have the same resources and the same backup. That's not easy. And to struggle is appropriate. But it's very different when we have all the backups.

And to compare and contrast when you talk about doing this without guilt. Years before, when my 19 year old son was 4, he was hospitalized with juvenile rheumatoid arthritis, Systemic juvenile rheumatoid, rheumatoid arthritis. A really scary time. And during the time he was in the hospital, I was charting on my own patients, reaching out to the team, because I was a leader and a supervisor in a big healthcare organization. I'm reaching out, asking my team, what do you need from me when my son is in the hospital bed next to me and he needs me, my husband needs me. And this was before I was working with a coach. It took another seven years before I started changing how I did life. I look back at those times and I feel so guilty. And I don't want other physicians, other healthcare providers to think I don't have a choice but to chart on my patients when my own child is in the hospital or when I'm in the hospital. I know another physician who was charting on her patients when she was in the hospital. And I think that is not okay. And yet during that time when I had to tell my boss, I need time off again to be here with my mom and then to support my sister with dealing with my mom's affairs, I was very strategic in two things. Number one, I had a physician colleague who'd only been working at my clinic for a year. I'd built a relationship with him and I trusted him even with all the calamity that was happening during the pandemic. And I empowered him and I said, you've got this. The only piece that I'm going to own for work right now is if you have an urgent thing, you can reach me, but you get to do the patient care. I'm onboarding a new physician. So I made time for a phone call per day to meet with her so that she was, she was brand new to the organization and we were figuring out onboarding remotely. It was a chaotic time, but I had my wits about me to say, I'm going to take this one little piece and I'm going to delegate the rest. And I know you can figure it out. And so years later, when he took over my job as the medical director, how much better prepared was he because I empowered him during this chaotic state to make decisions in all the changes that were happening day after day during March and April of 2020. It was a lot to ask of him, but I had learned to trust others, not micromanage like I thought I needed to do back when my own son was in the hospital. Huge difference.

Yeah. So powerful. And if we wanted to have specific tools that we can use to do this, what would those be? We shared some already, but what else can we do?

Okay, you're going to get tired of me saying this, but I always talk about meditating. By the time 2020 hit, I had been meditating for two to three years. That was time for me and it didn't take a lot of time, 12 to 20 minutes. So meditating, sleeping. As Joanne says, let's get back to the basics. I had been investing in sleeping more and making sure I prioritized that I asked for help. I had been working with a one on one coach for three years. I continue to work with coaches in my life. I'm like, I do much better when I have an outside perspective to help me. So getting that help, and it may be a coach, a therapist, a friend, a mentor, let's stop doing things by ourselves and build the community of experts and also social community that we need to support us and cheerlead us on when we don't have that ourselves. I think those are the main things. Keeping it simple, right? But what did I need to do to refill my tank? For me, the beach is a healing place. So after the passing of my mom this the again, there were so, so many magical things that I can look at. I grew up in California. I was at my sister's in Southern California when my mom passed. And we decided to stay for at least a week to help put the affairs together. And we knew we needed some healing. And so we pile into the car and we go to the ocean and walk on the beach. And the water looked really red and murky. And so we asked somebody who was working there and they're like, oh, it's the algae. Tonight there's going to be bioluminescence. And so we drove home, we came back that night and I had, you know, left. Lived many decades in California, had never seen this before. As the waves are crashing along the ocean after the sun had set and darkness came out, the entire wave is lighting up this iridescent blue color magic bioluminescence that I had never witnessed before in my life. And why did we experience that? Because we asked ourselves, what do we need in this really tough time to pour back in so we can manage our mom's affairs, so we can lean in as a family, so I can be a better sibling, so I can bring my best self. I'm going to come to nature. And I'm going to witness this phenomenon and pour back into myself so that I can recalibrate and get back to a higher space. Right. If I had started in a deficit when this whole process started, if I didn't continue pouring into myself, I'd be completely depleted and not able to bring my best even when the most, you know, the worst of circumstances had happened. And you can do the same. It's not rocket science. I'm not a genius. I just learned to listen to other people and saying what's going to help me do better and how can I make it for my life as a woman physician, leader in medicine, as a parent, as a spouse. And if I can do it, I'm sure you can, too.

So many important things I like to think of how I like the backups, like the mental backup to build that mental flexibility, the emotional backup by processing in real time. And then that physical backup that, like you were mentioning, the getting back into the basics of sleeping and eating well and the rest and all the things and the tools and, and again, going back to. We can't control that things are going to happen, but we can control how we show up. We can control the way we approach the situations, what thoughts we choose to feed. And those are all tools that you can practice. And coaching can be a very powerful tool for that. Erin, any nugget to live us with today about all of this?

I wrote down the word grace. We can be so hard on ourselves and we spend 247 with our own mind. And when we can learn to have grace for ourselves and acknowledge what circumstances have I gone through, let's not minimize those and say, of course you're exhausted. Think about the week you had. Of course you're irritable because of all the things happening. So give yourself grace instead of, you know, you can't stop the calamity, but you can stop the downward spiral. And that starts with having grace for yourself in order to better have grace for what's going on in those around you.

Beautiful words. And for all of you, if this was helpful, please share this podcast with someone else that you believe can benefit from all of this. We show up from our hearts and with that, stay tuned because our next episode is coming right up.

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