new year, same old me

Everybody loves throwing around the phrase New.

Year, New me, but how many people.

Actually stick to it?

I wouldn't be able to tell you because that's certainly not me. My name is Eunice and my goal for this year was to create with intention, but that's just not what I've been doing. It's almost the end of February and I have three scrapped videos in high hundred more scrapped ideas. I'm constantly creating and making, but with little to no direction. This small road bump is really putting me in a creative rut.

In a way, this is a reflection of my life on a larger scale. The other day I decided to journal and the prompt was, what fears do I carry and why is it holding me hostage? And I wrote, I'm scared by the fact that I feel quite directionless. I don't have a definitive job title or end goal, and that scares me. I don't think anything is necessarily holding me hostage from doing anything, but I'm scared that this directionlessness will bite me in the back down the road.

Upon reading this again, I realized that I wasn't scared of being directionless, but rather putting in the work for something that I might not even achieve. But this is a good thing. Fear is good. Fear is an indicator of what we have to do. So this is a sign for me to keep going. I need to keep reflecting on my life and my motivations, and I do this through videos. But there's a slight problem.

I have a lot more camera shy than I thought. Like I have a very awkward stage presence.

Someone once told me the depressing truth that time starts to move faster and faster because it becomes a smaller, smaller and smaller proportion of our entire life. Time moves fast, a lot faster than we'd like to think.

It's been two months since New Year, two months since I made these promises to myself, and with a little bit of courage and motivation, I'm sure I'll get through it.